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The Hidden Weight of Rank: How Well-Intended Improvement Sessions can Drive Teammates Away
Episode 923rd December 2025 • Stories on Facilitating Software Architecture & Design • Virtual Domain-Driven Design
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In this episode of Stories on Facilitating Software Design and Architecture, we are joined by Paul Rayner, a seasoned consultant and expert in Domain-Driven Design and EventStorming. Paul shares a candid "war story" from his time as a tech lead that completely changed how he views leadership and influence. He recounts a well-intentioned refactoring session where he publicly critiqued a team member's code, aiming to teach better practices. The result was unexpected and severe: the developer felt shamed by the experience and quit shortly after.

This experience served as a harsh wake-up call about the "unseen authority" leaders wield and how easily the "blast radius" of our actions can damage team psychological safety, even when our motives are pure. Paul opens up about the "dominant blindness" that often affects technical leaders—where we fail to see how our rank amplifies our words, turning a simple suggestion into a crushing directive.

We dive deep into the power dynamics of technical leadership, exploring why simply having the "right" technical solution isn't enough. The conversation covers how to move from "fixing" people's work to facilitating their growth, why resistance should be treated as a valuable resource rather than an obstacle, and how methods like EventStorming can help externalize conflict.

Key Learning Points:

  1. The Gap Between Intent and Impact: Why "I meant well" is never a sufficient excuse when a team member feels alienated or embarrassed by your actions.
  2. Dominant Blindness: How leaders often underestimate the heavy weight of their rank and the pressure it puts on colleagues, especially when navigating contractor-employee dynamics.
  3. Resistance is a Resource: Instead of pushing harder against pushback, view it as a signal to understand the underlying fears, threats, or misunderstandings driving the resistance.
  4. Challenging Mental Models: Recognizing that when you criticize code, you are often challenging the deep-seated mental models and hard work of the person who wrote it.
  5. Externalizing the Problem: How using visual tools like sticky notes (e.g., in EventStorming) can shift the focus from "me vs. you" to a collaborative discussion about the problem on the wall.

Transcripts

Andrea Magnorsky:

Hello and welcome to Stories on facilitating

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Software Design and Architecture.

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today we're here with our

guest, Paul, who will introduce

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himself in a, in a, in a minute.

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We're also here with, uh, the normal,

our normal crew, uh, which is of course,

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Kenny, Andrew, and myself, Andrea.

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So Paul, how about a little, a little

intro about who you are and what you do.

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Paul Rayner: Sure.

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Uh, I've been.

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Developer most of my career and consultant

more recently, over the last decade and

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a half, mostly specializing in domain

driven design and event storming.

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So I do training and

facilitation in those things.

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And then also probably more known

in the United States for starting

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the Explore DDD conference,

which runs in Denver every year.

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And uh, I'd give talks at conferences

and we're here in Melbourne.

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Just having wound up and taught an event

storming workshop together yesterday.

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Andrea Magnorsky: So,

which was really fun.

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It was really nice to work with

you in running this workshop.

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Thank you for, you know, working together.

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Um, so today, uh, Paul is

gonna share a story with us.

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so Paul is, what's, what's your story?

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Paul Rayner: Yeah, well, yeah.

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I was talking about this a bit

with Kenny and I think a good war

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story is maybe one that we could s.

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Lead off with.

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So, I was a kind of architect, architect,

tech lead on a project that, um.

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This was, I guess, late two thousands.

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Um, and I'd been working with a team.

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We had, uh, I was based in Colorado

where I am now, and we had developers in

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Chicago and also in, uh, Buenos Aires.

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And we were working on a

very complicated system.

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It was the first.

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System where I'd actually tried to

apply to domain driven design and test

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develop, test driven development and

a lot of these kinds of techniques.

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And, uh, I thought it would be a good

idea to get all the development team

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on a call and pick some code and, and

kind of talk through how to refactor

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code and how to improve it and make it

more expressive at the domain concepts.

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So we did that.

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I got, we got everyone on a

call and me as the tech lead.

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Um.

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You know, walk through, I'd pick

some code and, and just sort

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of started doing extract method

refactorings and showing how to do

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a bit of test driven development.

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And that, not long after that call,

one of the developers quit, and

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uh.

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I didn't know what I'd done, but

it, it should be pretty obvious.

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What I'd actually done is, um, one of

the contractors in our team in Chicago

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was actually the code that he'd written

and he felt very embarrassed and

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shamed by what I'd done because it of

implied to the rest of the team that

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the code that he'd been involved in

was not up to par and, and, uh, and so.

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I reached out to him and

apologized and, and then

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apologized to the rest of the team.

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And, uh, and fortunately he uncut came

back and, and, you know, was a, he had

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been a, a key team member and continued

to be a, a core team member and.

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And I remember at the time thinking

I was doing everything with the right

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intentions and you know, the right

motives, but I just had a complete lack

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of understanding, I think, of how that

would be perceived by the person that,

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that had done that and, and how my.

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Misuse of my power and authority actually

cause someone a lot of embarrassment and

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shame, even though it was unintentional.

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So, know, it, it was a real wake up call

for me about and, and, you know, being

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aware of other people and the power that I

wield and, and, and also how to go about.

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Cha changing hearts and minds and, and,

and, you know, coming alongside people

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to, uh, try to show different ways

of doing things instead of, you know.

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Taking an approach like I did, which

was clearly not a good way to go.

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So that's my war story.

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and I learned a lot that.

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And it doesn't mean I haven't

made mistakes since, but yeah,

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that was one of my bigger ones.

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Andrea Magnorsky: I, I think it's,

it's also that you're, you're

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talking about, um, not just.

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The practice and you know, we, I think

it's clear to see for us here, the, not

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just like the, the intention, but also,

uh, the, the, you're like, oh, the, the,

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you're, you're bringing to the force.

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Something that I think, uh, it's

a lot to do with decentralization,

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which is understanding power, uh,

and power dynamics in an organization

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and, and how important they are.

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How impactful they are when,

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When, you know, when you have

more, especially the more authority

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you have, the, the more careful

you need to be about Yeah.

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That effect.

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And, and also why it's good to

decentralize that so that these things are

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have, less damaging to, to certain degree.

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Um, so I guess, I guess

that's the question.

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Do you think in a, in a more

autonomous teams, like in teams

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that work in a more autonomous

way, do you think this would've.

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Been different if, if they had

more, kinda not just to do what they

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need to do, but also responsibility

for the actions that they take.

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Paul & Andrea: That's a good question.

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It's hard to say.

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I, I mean, I haven't really

thought through an answer to that.

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I haven't been asked that question before.

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In terms of decentralization

and autonomy, uh.

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I look back over it, I mean,

I had a lack of empathy.

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I did not take the time to think, how

would I feel if somebody did this to me?

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And I don't know that if the

team had been, I mean, the team

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was fairly autonomous and, and

power was fairly decentralized.

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And I, I thought of myself as,

as like one of the peers, There's

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other dynamics as that were in play.

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Like I was an employee,

he was a contractor.

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Mm.

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Right.

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Yeah.

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And, and that adds another,

uh, complication to that.

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then, uh.

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don't know.

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I've been in situations that,

that were decentralized, where

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there was still a lack of empathy

and, and people said things that

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they didn't really think through.

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uh, maybe the blast radius is less.

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Mm.

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Yes.

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Uh, but I don't, I I, yeah.

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I wish I had a better answer.

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And I think it's, it's good's a question.

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We're exploring.

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We're exploring this theory.

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This is.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler:

I, I have a thought there.

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So you say lack of empathy and I think

I, I struggle a little bit in that.

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I, I agree with the, the.

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With that, but you can

never have enough empathy.

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So it's very hard if you, you work with

different cultures, if you work with

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different people, like you say, I, I

wasn't aware of it, but if you look

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back at their experience, was there

any point that you, that that person

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signaled in a way they didn't agree?

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Right, because it's two way on one hand

I hear you were dominant blind, right?

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You were blind to your, to your rank.

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On the other hand, I always ask myself a

question when that happens to me, is that

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what, what are some signs or something

that you can think back of like that

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that person didn't agree, could act on?

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Paul Rayner: Yeah, ahead of time.

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I think I was just to.

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The, the dynamics in terms of

employee and contractor and, and,

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you know, I, I wasn't really his boss

necessarily, but, but you know, kind

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of a certain seniority on the team.

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And, and then think related to

that, just a lack of understanding

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of how to people to change.

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you know, I, I at least was trying to show

rather than tell, but it wasn't done in a.

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way that would actually have led to that.

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I mean, it came up in today's

hands-on session this afternoon

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of I'm, I'm teaching the same

techniques today that I, I was trying

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to get across all those years ago.

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And the same questions come up from people

like how, you know, my team is reluctant.

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They, they, they wouldn't

understand the value of this.

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How do I convince them?

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And, and I told the same story.

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I'm like, well, don't do this.

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Right.

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Um,

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Andrea Magnorsky: well listen,

at least there's a, a, a story.

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You got a lot out of.

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As in, it would be sad if that

had happened and you would've

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not learned anything from it.

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Right.

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So I think the fact that not only

you learn from it, but you're willing

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to share it shows like, uh, sure.

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It's like a good thing.

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Multiple, not just learning and

sharing the, so other people learn it.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: I

think about the empathy.

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That's why I'm saying it, even though

you learned, I, I had that many times

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happening to me and it, it still happens.

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Right.

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And I think the important part, what I

hear from you is that you didn't step

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into to your cognitive dissonance of

Yeah, but I had the right intention.

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And I think that, that, that was a

big learning point for me as well.

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I'm not sure for you as well, but, but

being that, being in, in that way, right?

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I try to have the right intention

because that's what usually happens when

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people step up to the, to the plate.

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They're also propagated then in a way,

and you'll make mistakes, but then.

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You can do two things, right?

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You can say, well, but

you wanted this, right?

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So you can, you can go that

route or you can go to the root

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of, okay, how can we improve?

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This is a very tri tricky slope

from, let's say you are in a team

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coding and it's rather exact, right?

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Coding is rather exact.

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There, there's a, a solutions, and,

and then you step up to that plate

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of technical leading something,

and then there's all this flakiness

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going on there because people.

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Yeah.

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Paul Rayner: I,

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yeah, I'm, I'm really not, not sure.

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I, I think that, I mean, this was

a while ago, so I don't remember my

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initial reaction, but, but certainly.

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I, I expect that my initial reaction

would've been, well, I had the

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right intentions, but then at the

end of the day, the other person

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responded the way they did, and now

I need to, and whether or not they

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overreacted is, is another question.

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But I think certainly got my attention

and, and, and then, you know, I, I

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was working hard to make it right.

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And, and I think that's,

that's a pattern that I.

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I try to do, it's like, okay,

I'm going to make mistakes.

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And if you are in leadership,

you're going to make mistakes.

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Yeah.

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You're going, you know, you're

going to do things that people

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are going to misinterpret or, uh,

you might do the wrong, the wrong

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thing with the right intentions.

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I mean, these, these things happen

and I think part of it then is,

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well, what is, how, how do we fix

things when we, we do make mistakes

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and how do we, uh, prioritize those

relationships and, and go about.

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reconciling and, and, and so, you

know, actually giving a proper apology

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instead of just, I'm sorry, you feel

bad, but actually like, no, I was wrong.

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I did the wrong thing.

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No, I'm sorry.

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You feel the way.

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Right.

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And, and then, uh, actually.

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Thinking about, okay, well how wide

is the blast radius of this socially?

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And it, well, it's the whole team,

so I need to apologize to the whole

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team, not just to this one person.

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Andrea Magnorsky: Right.

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Yeah.

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'cause obviously this person quit,

but other people might have also.

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Paul Rayner: Everyone else was there.

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Andrea Magnorsky: Yeah.

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Paul Rayner: So they

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: Yeah.

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Andrea Magnorsky: might have left

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some of them

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: It's

always when someone has a

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feeling, someone else in a group.

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But what, what I'm mostly curious

about is you, you went in, get

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into a solution mode, right?

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So you say, well, let's do this.

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So that got that person embarrassed.

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You solved that on

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emotional

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level, but was it solved on,

because it can still form

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tension if that person still

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didn't agree

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with the approach you took.

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Was, was it that they also didn't

agree on the approach you took?

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Because that can be an another level of.

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Messiness.

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Right?

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Because if, if now you reconcile,

but you still go your way, that can

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end up with sort of like, even though

your your way might be the least

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worst solution, I always say, right.

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It it, it can, it can.

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How, how did you cope with that?

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Did, did you, did you his ideas in,

or, or how did you get him to go along

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Paul Rayner: You know,

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: see?

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Paul Rayner: so honestly

it was so long ago.

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I can't remember now.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: do it

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Paul Rayner: I'd like to,

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: how would you

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Paul Rayner: like to think I

said, so what do you think?

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And all of that, but I

really, I, I don't remember.

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That would be more my

preferred approach now is to.

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solicit advice and, and you really

want people to change, you have to meet

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them where they're at and, and kind of,

and, and really hear their concerns.

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And so I would try to

do that more these days.

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If someone's pushing back, then I.

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Why are they pushing back?

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And there's a, there's a

great article by Dale Emery.

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Uh, resistance is a resource where he,

uh, elaborates why people resist change.

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And, and so being able to

what is the resistance?

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Is it somebody who's feeling threatened?

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Is it somebody doesn't understand?

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Is it, you know, any one of these

number of reasons that, that somebody

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might be, be pushing back that.

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That article does a great job of

explaining that that's actually

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a signal that you should,

uh, understand and mm-hmm.

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And, and explore as a way of moving

forward, rather than just detecting the

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pushback and then pushing back harder.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: I've, I've heard

a Dutch anthropologist say resistance

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is just someone else's opinion.

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Paul Rayner: Yeah.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: Yeah.

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Paul Rayner: Yeah, I think so.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: That's it.

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Someone's just propagating, wanted

to propagate their opinion usually.

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That, that was really learned for as well.

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This concept that you, that you're

saying was really learned for me as well.

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Yeah.

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Andrew Harmel-Law: I think there's

one thing I was wondering about, um,

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Paul, the, because this, so this,

one of the things that interest

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me a lot about software is I.

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Fundamentally, like we're all, we, we

have all these mental models and then we,

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we are understanding of what the problem

is, and then we turn that into code.

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And at an architectural level that's

kind of easier because there's less in

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the current ways of doing architecture,

there are less people at the top

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who are doing architecture, right?

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And then they kind of do their

work and they pass it down to.

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Pass it down, like with the stress and the

word down to like the development teams.

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And they kind of just do it,

but they don't just do it.

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Right.

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They have their mental models.

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They have like, you know, this

person had their ideas of this

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code that, that they'd created.

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Right?

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And they obviously, what they

had in their head probably

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largely reflected what they did.

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And there were probably other

people who did other bits.

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I think it's 'cause one of the parts

of architecture is kind of trying

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to come to the shared mental model.

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But as, as you've been saying, right, the.

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Trying.

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Challenging people's code is one thing,

but challenging their mental models that

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turned into the code is another thing.

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And then kind of trying

to facilitate that thing.

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That's a big, especially if you're

emotionally related to your code, right?

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Like, I thought really hard about this and

this is my best solution to this problem.

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And then you're like,

here's a different way.

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Or even maybe not a different way, maybe

even a worse way, but a way that we more

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all commonly understand in which DDD is a

great way for getting to that kinda stuff.

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Do you think.

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How much do you think you are

challenging this person's?

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Again, maybe it was quite a long

time ago, but like when you see this,

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'cause I've seen this in the past.

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How much do you think you're fundamentally

challenging this person's, maybe not

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worldview, but their understanding of

the problem and all of the work that

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they've done to try and get to this?

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'cause I feel I see this a lot, right?

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It's very easy to do architectures.

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And the less you engage with

the people who are gonna build

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it, the better, because they're

not gonna push back on you.

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But what you really wanna do is

collaborate with them and get all of

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that pushback, and then get it into the

code and get that pushback and stuff.

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Paul Rayner: Yeah, I agree.

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Andrew Harmel-Law: What's the.

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Paul Rayner: uh.

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think of the five dysfunctions

of a team and the idea that just

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going for consensus really people

are saying yes when they may no.

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Mm.

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Andrea Magnorsky: Or silence

when they may like, oh my god.

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Paul Rayner: Right.

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And I think that's part of

what you're describing and I.

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I, I think it's much better

now to hear people's concerns,

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to validate their concerns.

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To the real collaborative aspect of

modeling is, uh, Eric Evans would

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always talk about, like, model it three

different ways, that's something I try

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and emphasize in when I teach domain

driven design is, okay, you come up

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with an idea, so try to look at it.

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Three different ways, or if you have

disagreement between two people, over

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two different approaches, then at least,

at least come up with three different

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options on the table, because then it's

not, you know, me versus Kenny, right?

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In terms of his approach or my

approach, or me versus you Now.

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Now we've got options on the table that

we can consider, I've actually found that

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to be a really good diffuser of these

types of things because It's, and, and

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event storming is like that as well.

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Like we were talking yesterday, there's

something about externalizing those

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internal mental models sticky notes and

then being able to stand up together.

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Yeah.

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At a wall and, and, and a con looking at

a very concrete, looking at something and

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pointing at something and saying, well,

what about this and what about that?

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And what if we rearranged it this way

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Andrew Harmel-Law: Yeah,

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Paul Rayner: this doesn't make

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Andrew Harmel-Law: but this is it, right?

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Like it is, like Andrea said, it is

like, this is, I think, the genius

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of events or one of the geniuses.

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It is concrete 'cause it's on a

sticky note on a wall, but it's

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written in someone's handwriting

and you might have three things that

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are similar and different types of

handwriting and it's sticky notes

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so you can like move them around.

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And I think it, like, it

confronts that head on right.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: Well, there's

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Andrew Harmel-Law: This is what we

think, oh, we, we all think different

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things and like, oh, like that's.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: also

a meta to event storming, so

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with which I've seen, right.

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Because event storming also propagates

that you're doing it in one way, which

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maybe someone doesn't, isn't, isn't

able to express it in an event storming,

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but with, with a storytelling, right.

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So I, I once was at a conference

with three facilitators in one group,

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and we all each used our own tool,

but it worked in the end because.

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What you're saying, Paul, it

wasn't about the approach, it's

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about, oh, we can interact with

the model with each other's models

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Front.

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their way.

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And, uh, I've seen that happen often

on the meta level as well, that

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we say, no, we, you really need to

do this in an event storming way.

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Well, but I want to do, okay, let's on.

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As long as you visualize it was, uh, yeah.

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Paul Rayner: Yeah.

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One of the best things I ever heard

was, I, I remember years ago teaching

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a DDD class in Paris, around the

time of DDD Europe, and one of the

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attendees said, you know, this event

storming thing, I mean, it's good,

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but I much prefer domain storytelling.

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And uh, you know, and I'm

like, great, well at least now,

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you know, post I don't care.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler:

You're collaborating.

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Paul Rayner: Right.

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Like,

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: Yeah.

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Paul Rayner: know.

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Andrea Magnorsky: Yeah.

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But I think that there's a, that's

a really valid thing, but at the

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same time it's like knowing both.

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And at some point maybe they prefer

that and at some point they might

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go, you know what, I prefer them

domain storytelling, but for this

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group when coming is gonna work.

397

:

Yeah.

398

:

Really?

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'cause I, I also have

referenc them swap over time.

400

:

Right.

401

:

Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: So, so my, my, my

wife, uh, has a background in anthropology

402

:

and, and about this, uh, thing right where

you meet someone of where they are and she

403

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said, told me from a culture perspective,

and that really settled with me, right?

404

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You, you can, people are okay with

changing as long as it's a different

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:

differentiator of themself or a

differentiator of their model.

406

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But if you like, really change the model.

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Like there, that's not acceptable.

408

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So you want to meet them here

instead of what, what you are saying.

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And, and that really by me, right?

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People can, if they are really doing

something with UML, okay, let's start

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doing UML, but then collaboratively in

another way because, well, that's what

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Right.

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:

doing, so let's do more of it than, uh,

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Andrea Magnorsky: I think, I think

actually I have, have a slightly

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:

different mental model when it comes

to that and that mental model is that

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people will, uh, will be okay with

certain level of change as long as

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you don't attack their core beliefs.

418

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Obviously nobody has their core

beliefs printed on a nice, handy,

419

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you know, list on their forehead

or, or their arm, unfortunately.

420

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But person might have been, my core

belief is that I hate testing or not.

421

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Who knows?

422

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Or the, I love this

pattern and this language.

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And by doing that, you, you touched

on, or you said something that

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touched on their core beliefs.

425

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And I think, I think I like to

think of Thomas Coon and the

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:

structure of scientific revolution

and you know, this is the person

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that thought of paradigm shifts.

428

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You talked about how people

changing and, and someone to change.

429

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They need to change their core,

some aspect of their core beliefs.

430

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Some, some, some of them are like

really close to like being alive

431

:

and other ones are like professional

life, emotional life, and they have

432

:

less or more levels of, of depth.

433

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But I think when you talk on one of those,

you, they need to do the, the work of

434

:

wanting to want that belief to change.

435

:

and, and they do that, that movement from.

436

:

don't like Let's say this

person didn't like testing.

437

:

I'm completely making it up.

438

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So let's say they were like testing.

439

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I don't like it because reason, they,

they saw it and this really annoys them,

440

:

and in fact, really being annoyed by it.

441

:

have been the reason why it was okay and

they learned about testing, et cetera.

442

:

So this might have been a tipping point on

being ready to change their core belief.

443

:

Or maybe it was like, I think everyone

that does testing is horrible and

444

:

turns out that you were really

nice to them, and that is like, oh,

445

:

actually that's not true anymore.

446

:

So I need to reevaluate that

core belief and move it.

447

:

So this core belief idea is kind of what

helped me this behavior in some ways.

448

:

Like, well, if I was really attached to

this idea and it was part of who I am.

449

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Which is similar to what

you're saying, isn't it, Kenny?

450

:

Um, thing of how do you move forward

on something that is something that

451

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is nearly your identity, right?

452

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: It's

a different model, a different

453

:

Andrea Magnorsky: Yep.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: which I agree

455

:

Andrea Magnorsky: Yeah.

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Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: Going back to

457

:

Andrea Magnorsky: Yeah.

458

:

It might be useful to, to other people to.

459

:

Andrew Harmel-Law: Yeah, that's, and

that actually reminds me there's a talk.

460

:

I think it's not my, my most famous

blue sky skeet, I think that's what

461

:

they're called, which isn't very famous,

but it's been like retweeted a lot.

462

:

It's just me quoting Gien

I'm gonna say that wrong.

463

:

Apologies.

464

:

Heen, but Heen at for quite good, right?

465

:

Heen at, um, did a talk about

decision making at, uh, new Craft

466

:

in Paris last week, I think.

467

:

And it was basically like

the thing we should spend the

468

:

most time on is the context.

469

:

It's not the solution,

it's not the options.

470

:

It's like where do we all start

and where does the problem start?

471

:

We don't, 'cause we're like, let's fix it.

472

:

And like, but spending time.

473

:

Um, and like just judging by the number

of people who've reshared that people

474

:

are like, yeah, that's, and it's true.

475

:

Like, we don't, I don't do it.

476

:

I'm like, let's get past this

boring context piece where

477

:

we actually are right now.

478

:

And like the actual, like, let's

forget understanding the problem

479

:

because that's probably less exciting.

480

:

Let's figure out how to solve it.

481

:

Kenny (Baas) Schwegler: I think that's it

482

:

Andrew Harmel-Law: And, and, yeah.

483

:

Yeah.

484

:

Andrea Magnorsky: Think that, do

you have any closing thoughts or

485

:

something you wanna share with us?

486

:

We, without them to kind of take it away.

487

:

Paul Rayner: Well, just grateful to be

here, uh, grateful to do the workshop

488

:

with you and thanks to, uh, both of

you for, uh, the time to talk today.

489

:

This is, this is really great.

490

:

Andrea Magnorsky: Well, thank you

so much for coming and well, super

491

:

good to do the workshop together.

492

:

Great to see you too as well.

493

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And see you next time.

494

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I.

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