🔥 Episode Overview

In this powerful first episode of Marriage Intervention, Hasani and Danielle answer real, raw questions from couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity.

From raising a child conceived during an affair… to the emotional toll of constantly checking a spouse’s phone… to the deeper question of why people cheat—this conversation goes beneath the surface and addresses what couples are really struggling with behind closed doors.

This episode isn’t about theory—it’s about truth, healing, and practical direction for those in crisis.

💔 What We Cover

1. Navigating an Affair Child

• How to emotionally survive when a child is involved
• The importance of boundaries with the former affair partner
• Why transparency and structure are critical
• Supporting the child without destroying the marriage

2. Phone Checking & Trust Issues

• Why obsessively checking your spouse’s phone is trauma-driven
• The difference between transparency vs. control
• How secrecy fuels suspicion
• The real way trust is rebuilt

3. “Why Did They Cheat?”

• Can someone truly not know why they cheated?
• The danger of blame-shifting
• The 3 core reasons behind infidelity:
• Personal factors
• Relational factors
• Social influences

4. Sex Wasn’t the Problem

• Why frequent sex doesn’t prevent cheating
• Understanding addiction, novelty, and unmet emotional needs
• Why infidelity is rarely about the betrayed spouse

5. “I Need Space” – What It Really Means

• When space is a red flag vs. a real need
• Emotional burnout and disconnection
• Push vs. pull behaviors in relationships
• How to fight for your marriage the right way

🧠 Key Takeaways

• Triggers are emotional reactions—not the actual problem
• Transparency reduces anxiety, secrecy amplifies it
• You can’t heal what you don’t understand
• Affairs are always deeper than the surface explanation
• Fighting for your marriage requires strategy—not just desire

💡 Notable Insight

“Trust is not built when you have access—it’s built when you no longer need it.”

🚨 Who This Episode Is For

• Couples dealing with infidelity
• Betrayed spouses struggling with trust
• Unfaithful partners trying to understand their behavior
• Anyone questioning whether their marriage can be restored

📌 Next Steps

If you’re in crisis and need clarity on what to do next:

👉 Book a Discovery Call:

https://app.gohighlevel.com/v2/preview/KMVHbHjAqodMCE6UILTT

(00:23) >> One of the things you can ask yourself is like, what is the worst thing that would happen if I didn't do this? And now I'm not doing anything wrong, but you can't look at my phone. >> And every time you check the phone, either you're going to find something or you're not finding something. That's trauma. >> It's trauma.

(00:55) And I'm getting right into it. The first question is, the affair ended in a child. I want my husband to have a relationship with this baby, but I don't know how I'm supposed to emotionally survive that. How do people live with that reality? M this is this is um let me just say what a miracle for the betrayed spouse to say >> I was thinking I want my my husband in essence to have a relationship with a child because this is one of the hardest most challenging things.

(01:45) I think one of the biggest things that you two have to come into agreement about is determining what role the spouse, the former unfaithful partner has with the parent of the child. Because think about it, we were just in an affair. Now we have a kid, which means that we still have to communicate. We still have to make decisions together.

(02:35) >> Hassani, this husband has everything to gain if he does it right. because the fact that she is willing and wants him to have a relationship with an illegitimate child, that is humongous. And it's interesting because I recently there was a conversation that I had with a wife who absolutely did not >> want her husband to have anything to do with a child. This is illegitimate.

(03:28) But, you know, it's important for this husband to understand that it needs to be literally like almost like a family affair. Like there can be no decisions made in isolation, right? Um, and often times what you'll see is, and I don't know if it's good intentions or secretive intentions, but I guess it could be both, but uh the the father of the illegitimate child will just completely divide everything, right? And so your wife doesn't know what's going on, doesn't know what kind of interaction you're having with the

(04:15) And so I think it's really important for the husband to get the support. Get some counseling. Bring your wife into how we're going to do this. Number one, thank her. Let's start there. >> Let's Yeah, let's start there. Thank her. >> Thank her for having the willingness to be able to to have the capacity to open her heart up to an illegitimate child outside of her marriage.

(05:12) open. Do everything that you can to make sure that this goes well so that she doesn't later on resent her her decisions to be a supportive wife in this. >> But the the and that's everything you just said is spot on. The heart of her question is how do I emotionally survive through this? I've made the decision that he should have a relationship with this child because there's a child involved. They need a father.

(05:56) Because if you make the trigger the thing, then you will always be a slave to the thing. The trigger is the emotional reaction to the thing. Like side note, there was a couple where the spouse cheated on their wife with the next door neighbor. So every time they left the home, the spouse left the home or came back to the home, she's looking at the next door neighbor's house and she's constantly triggered.

(06:52) on the outs as she's watching two people who were once sexually emotionally connected uh co-parent a child that that that she's kind of separated from. So there's a lot here. >> I there's so much here. And to the to the second part of her question, which I think is important, you know, um the main the main thing is that she has a husband that understands there needs to be protocol, right? Because I could give this woman 10 things to do.

(07:39) I could tell her all those things, but if her spouse doesn't have a standard or a way of being, all of that's going to go out the window. She's going to be stressed. She's going to feel isolated. She's going to feel disconnected. Um it's for them to decide in some kind of control therapy how they're going to move forward.

(08:16) >> It's not just about the wife anymore, not just about the husband. There's an affair partner now that needs to be brought into this. And we don't know her mindset. >> Yeah. Because truth be told, sometimes the affair partners feels cheated on when the husband goes to his wife for decisions and counsel and all.

(08:54) You know, this isn't just a typical affair. Now, there's another human being that matters that's involved. This child is innocent and this child matters and this child needs to be treated with respect and this child deserves a father. >> Okay? Right? This child doesn't suddenly not deserve a father because somebody made a horrible mistake.

(09:40) going through. So, I would number one seek um some kind of a group therapy or some kind of a support group. I'm sure they're out there um other women who have experienced the same thing, but that really would help her get through it emotionally as she goes through this this journey that probably is going to be very very tough in the beginning and maybe it could get a little bit easier as they go, you know, through this process with rules in place and, you know, get kind of getting used to this.

(10:25) Um there's there's a lot of questions that need to be asked here, right? So, are there things taking place in the marriage that cause you to feel still feel unsafe? Why you are still checking this phone or is this something that you're just dealing with on your own? Um it's a habit that you've created. You haven't stopped.

(10:58) And I think um one of the things you can ask yourself is like, "What is the worst thing that would happen if I didn't do this?" this, you know, there's a thing called catastrophizing it to the worst case scenario so that you have get to a point of reality, right? So, I'm I keep I have this routine.

(11:34) the worst thing that's going to happen is I'm going to find nothing. I'm going to find no clues because I've been doing this for 5 years and I haven't found anything. But on the flip side of that, in the event that every time you're checking his phone, you find something. >> It's the reason why you keep going to the phone and checking because you keep finding something.

(12:13) But at the end of the day, the buck stops with you. You've got to make some decision one way or the other. >> I got a solution. >> Okay. The best way to keep your spouse from obsessing about your phone and constantly checking it is to do this, >> right? As long as I keep my phone from my spouse, it creates this insatiable desire to know what it is that's in my phone.

(13:02) Because at the end of the day, people who have nothing to hide hide nothing. And so the affair is over, but yet I'm still secretive. The affair is over, but yet I'm still clandestine. The affair is over, but yet I still live in a silo. But if I am open and honest and transparent, like I know somebody who cheated on their spouse and they made the decision that I'm not going to live a life where you don't trust me.

(13:45) she no longer felt com compelled to have to know. And so that's one one of the ways that you do it. Live an open transparent life. >> And and and to that point, you know, and we only can make assumptions here, right? Because it says that even when things are going well, right? So there's a lot to be read into that. But if you are in a situation where you have a spouse that is hiding from you, of course you're going to be triggered, right? Because they're withholding information from you.

(14:30) And every time you check the phone, either you're going to find something or you're not finding something. It just depends on what's happening. It's I mean if you check the phone and you've been doing this week after week, month after month and you're still not finding something and you find that that's not happening right that you're not having a less need, you know, it it should there should be some timelapse distance between it.

(15:06) This is a you problem, right? True. >> We have proven ourselves, right? Things have changed. Even when things are going well is what this thing says. And I'm still doing it. Is anything ever going to change? It changes when you change. >> Facts. >> What is the worst thing that can ever happen if you stop checking the phone? And you know, this gets into counseling stuff because it's like, well, what is your desire? you know, like do you desire to stop checking the phone? Is that a a a need that you have? You know, if you have a strong enough desire, then

(15:58) And my desire often times is shaped by my belief. And if I believe because you cheated, you know, once to cheat, always to cheat or you're always going to do this or you're never going to change. If that becomes my deeply embedded belief system, then guess what? For the rest of our lives together, I'm checking your phone because I'm never going to try.

(16:36) And so because of this offense, I'll never And so because of that position, yeah, you're going to constantly be in the phone. So that's why it requires internal >> and that's trauma. >> It's trauma. >> I mean, that that's hypervigilance and that's trauma. And that again is a you problem. You've got to work on your trauma.

(17:17) Like I only begin to develop my trust muscle when I no longer have it. I don't need I don't need trust and faith if I have it. Yeah. I've got confirmation. I've got evidence. And so we have to really understand what trust building actually is and the process to get there because you'll never have it as long as you always have this particular phone.

(18:00) My contacts are in this phone. My secrets are in this phone. Everything is in this phone. So, if we learn to untrigger the phone by creating boundaries and parameters around this, we can get to a healthy place. >> Let's go to question number three. We have a call in. Let's see what the question is. >> My wife has told me several times she doesn't know why she cheated.

(18:43) In any case, it can leave a betrayed spouse stuck because they don't know what to believe. And so, let's just start with the one who thinks they know. If they think they know without getting any help, they may know on a surface level. And oftentimes what they think they know is very accusatory because the reason why I cheated is because of you, right? So we talk about this all the time.

(19:30) >> Absolutely. And I think often times you know you there are many reasons why we're blaming right so it seems valid right I cheated because you didn't do or you did do so or I'm getting revenge. There are valid reasons that the person can give as to why they think this is the reason why they cheated.

(20:13) If you have no integrity, you have no integrity. And so oftentimes, it's really about helping a person recognize or draw a circle around their own two feet and recognize their own faults, flaws, and issues before they can have a clear understanding of their why. So, I mean, going to the question, it could be true that they really don't know the why.

(20:56) What he's saying is I can't move forward without truly understanding. And this is critically important. Often times, even in the full disclosure process, when you've given me all the details about what you did, it's not the details that keeps that holds me up. Is understanding the why behind those details that keeps me >> that can take days sometimes just breaking through on the why.

(21:36) There's always three reasons why a person cheats, why they do what they do. In the book, Moving Forward After infidelity, there's a chapter entitled Why People Cheat, and it talks about the three factors. Factor number one, personal factors. It has nothing to do with my marriage. It has everything to do with me.

(22:11) So there are actually 25 different personal factors that we give in the book. But number two, there are relational factors. It's true. Listen, you didn't make me cheat, but there were some relational dynamics that were happening that created a vulnerability for me to make that decision. It didn't happen in a silo. So maybe it was how you showed up and how I show up and this mix that just hasn't worked.

(22:56) But when we look at it, it's always 50% of the why is always me. 30% of the why is always potentially us. 20% of why I did what I did is social. And when we look at it in those percentages, it forces me to take personal responsibility and accountability for me at the end of the day. M >> and so um I think couples understanding this will help the person who's cheated to never cheat again cuz now they know the root.

(23:42) So now I'm questioning everything like was it ever about me? >> What do you [laughter] I'm asking a question, you answering it. >> Yeah. I mean, you know, there's a always a more another question to be asked. I mean, it sounds like this is somebody who's in a relationship that um felt that maybe more sex was going to cure some other problem that was in a relationship, right? So like we we're having the sex every day.

(24:33) There is an insatiable desire. Okay? And so that means that you can put a thousand different techniques, styles, desires into this bucket, but because there's a hole at the bottom, >> it falls out of the bottom and it never fills the the bucket. >> This person is always in a need. And so when So this is typical for somebody who struggles with addiction, and this is us making assumptions on this question, but this is typical for someone who suffers from addiction to play the blame game.

(25:24) It needed to be three times a day. Well, that wasn't enough. It needed to be on demand whenever he needed. And this woman was doing everything she could to try to keep up with this. And it was never enough. >> And guess what? He cheated. >> Multiple times. The the fact is is no, it wasn't ever about her. >> It really never was about her.

(26:16) >> I'm not outrightly saying there's anything wrong with that if it's natural. >> Well, what I'm saying that typically happens at the beginning when a relationship is initiated, but once you get into a committed relationship, that tapers off and dies down. There's I mean when you look at the statistics right for the average American couple they're engaging twice a week.

(26:56) >> Exactly. And also more questions that need to be asked is also what season of life are you in? Because I mean when you've got kids, you know, babies and all these things, no one's able to have sex every single day, multiple times a day, you know, day in day out, morning, noon, and night. Like that is an impossibility for most healthy relationships.

(27:35) Was there porn introduced into their lives at a at a younger age? Was there any type of sexual trauma or abuse that they experienced at an early age that is influencing this drive, this insatiable desire that cannot be quenched? Right? Those are the things that we need to discuss because the way that you handle that in the recovery process for a sexual compulsion type of an affair is different than an emotional attachment.

(28:20) And I need someone else to satisfy this desire for new, right? I need novelty. I need new experiences. I need the in love feeling. Yes, we love each other, but it seems like I don't know the the the pitterpatter, the the the the thing that we used to have no longer is there, and I'm searching for that.

(29:06) " >> Is that usually code for something else? >> Yes. >> Okay. You know, listen, I don't believe in absolutes because any absolute that I give you, you can give me a scenario to prove my absolute wrong. But in 18 years of marriage, when I hear somebody automatically go to the I need space, I need time to think. I'm just not sure.

(29:50) And that's what this sounds like. It sounds like she's looking for an out. >> Yeah. Um when I hear this question, I I'm hearing um I'm hearing that this this person is is trying to fight against something and they may not understand what they're fighting against, right? Because not in every scenario when a woman says that she needs space does this mean that she's having an affair or does this mean that she wants out even um there are many scenarios where it is exactly that that a woman needs space.

(30:41) We don't know if there's been neglect. We don't know how long she's been alone trying to fend for herself, you know, handling business on her own, raising a family on her own. We don't know enough about this woman to know if she's having an affair, or if she's even ready to step out, right? We just know that this husband is observing that there is something wrong with his wife and she is saying that she needs space.

(31:28) I'll go through the ups and the and the downs. You know, we used to say this when we were younger. You know, we will if we have to do nothing but eat peanut butter and jelly. There there goes that peanut butter and jelly sandwich again. If we have if we have nothing more than peanut butter and jelly, I'm sticking with you, boo, cuz we're going to do this dream, right? We're going to live this life.

(32:10) A lot of times when women get to this place where they're quiet and they're disconnected, um, and when a spouse inquires and a woman is honest, she gets nothing but defensiveness. You know, he's so defensive. Well, I'm doing this and I'm providing. And, you know, she's complaining about basic things. I just want more time with you.

(32:46) >> And that's what he's seeing. She needs space means I need space away from you to build a life that resonates with me cuz what you got me trapped up in is no longer resonating with me. >> Wow. That that was powerful. Wow. I I would also say, Danielle, that it may be true that he's fighting for his marriage, but he may not know how to fight for his marriage.

(33:30) And so knowing your partner and listening to your partner truly understanding their heart and knowing what they need. Maybe space is fighting for the marriage because you need to give them space to hear, to to pray, to get the clarity that they need because, you know, there are certain environments in a in a home which are extremely unhealthy.

(34:18) you want is a restored relationship and that should be the focus. So I think what you said was spot on and if people take the proper steps, they can get the results that they're ultimately wanting. I all I can say is we deal with three types of couples. Couple number one, they both want the marriage.

(34:55) They're trying to discern, do I want this? Can this be possible? and the journey that we take them through helps them to get to a place of clarity about what those next steps are. So, if that's you and you find yourself in one of those situations, we encourage you to reach out so you can get the help that you need.