Gayla Grace is the author of Beautifully Blended, 101 Devotions to Encourage Couples in Blended Families and co-author of Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul.

She is an international speaker and serves on the FamilyLife Blended® team, encouraging and equipping blended families. She holds a master's degree in Psychology and Counseling and hosts a popular livestream, Women & Blended Families, with a special guest each month.

Gayla and her husband, Randy, have been married since 1995 in a "his, hers, and ours" family that has grown to include five adult kids, two daughters-in-law, two sons-in-law, three grandchildren and another grandchild on the way!

Gayla and Randy enjoy life as empty nesters in Conway, AR.

Learn more:

• Family Life Blended
• https://www.gaylagrace.com/

FB:

• https://www.facebook.com/gaylagrace1
• https://www.facebook.com/familylifeblended

Welcome to 12-Minute Converse with Jesus Believers.

God chose first to have a conversation with us, his creation.

Our prayer is that this listening space brings growth and transforms your life forever.

Praise God for you, Gayla.

It's a great pleasure to connect with you.

What part of the world are you in today?

I am in Arkansas.

This is where I live, so deep in the south of the United States.

Tell me about how, I think the most recent event was the BAB conference, right?

Which is, what was it?

Blended and something?

Blended and Blessed, yes.

Yes, so that's a marriage

conference that is put on by Family Life, which is the non-profit that I work for,

and it's specifically for blended families and those who are navigating life in a blended family,

but it's all about trying to strengthen marriages because blended families come with challenges,

and we want to encourage and just offer hope through strengthening relationships and inviting

Jesus to be a part in our homes.

Every home a godly home is the motto of Family Life.

So yeah, that was the most recent event that I spoke at.

Please express the definition of what is a blended family.

So it's somebody who at least one person in the couple comes in with children, one or the other, does not have to be both, and it can be as a result of either death from a former marriage, maybe somebody, a spouse passed away, or it can be divorce, or it can even be where maybe it was a couple who were cohabitating, but they had a child together, and then that relationship broke up.

So there's been some kind of an ending of a relationship, and a new marriage comes together, and one, at least one, of the people in that marriage bring children into the marriage with them.

What is your specific scenario?

So my husband and I both brought kids in.

We had both walked the road of divorce and came in.

I had two kids.

My girls were three and five, and he had two kids.

He had a son and a daughter that were five and ten, and we both had primary custody of our kids.

So we went from two kids to four kids overnight and trying to understand how

to navigate a family with those kind of dynamics, and so it was complicated, and I was raised in a

traditional family and really didn't understand a lot about blended families and the differences

and how you need to parent differently and just so many dynamics, and I wasn't that familiar with,

so definitely a huge learning curve.

It's almost as though you had two children and a twin as a family now, right?

Because the both of them were five.

Yes, they were only six weeks apart.

My daughter and my husband's son were only six weeks apart, but they hated it when they got asked if they were twins because they weren't, and then they had to explain their family, and they didn't like that.

What is responsible for you being someone that faces a challenge and then decides, hey, I'm going to do what's necessary to get on the winning side of this?

You know, I was brought up in a Christian home, and so I became a believer at a very young age,

at eight years old, and I have followed the Lord my entire life, and I knew that through those

challenges, if I went back to the Lord and asked for His guidance, prayed for wisdom,

sought answers through the Bible and through the Holy Spirit, that I knew we could, even though we

walked through some murky waters and difficult times, I knew that we could come out on the other

side and be okay, as long as we stayed embedded in our faith.

My husband and I are both strong believers and chose, you know, intentionally to raise our kids in a Christian home and in the church.

And I'm not going to say that it was easy because it wasn't.

Especially our first decade, really, was there were just a lot of challenges, but we were able to be on the same team, my husband and I, in regards to just our faith and how we would incorporate it in our home.

And I think that's really, I give God the credit.

We've been married 30 years now, and yeah, I mean, I'm just, you know, we now, so we ended up having a child together, my husband and I did, six years into our marriage.

And so we raised five kids and we now have two daughter-in-laws and two son-in-laws and three grandbabies and another grandchild on the way.

And it's just, I'm just so thankful to the Lord about how He's grown our family.

He's matured our relationships.

But again, I don't take credit for it.

We really looked to the Lord and asked for answers along the way, because if we'd done it in our own strength and coming up with our own answers, we would have failed.

I mean, it's just not natural to raise kids that are not yours.

And so to have love for stepchildren and perseverance, and it just doesn't come as naturally as it does for your biological kids.

And it really takes some effort to blend a family well.

But I'm thankful for how, you know, God walked with us every step of the way.

Hindsight is definitely 20-20.

So what are things that you didn't know that you know now that you would tell someone who's starting off they should definitely begin to do?

I think particularly for those who come in with biological children, they need to recognize that you're going to be tugged toward favoring your biological kids, even over your spouse at times, because you have a longer history with those kids than you do the marriage.

But it's not going to serve you well, if you choose to really focus on and favor those children, you've got to nurture the marriage and make sure that it is the foundation of the home, even when at times, you want to really be more committed to your kids.

And it's not to say that you don't stay very well connected to your kids too, because you need to and they have walked through some kind of grief, they have had a huge loss in their family, just as anybody who comes into a blended family, there has been loss of some kind.

And so particularly with kids, they can't express themselves the same way that adults can.

And so sometimes we need to help them really help them process their emotions and be empathetic with what they are going through.

But at the same time, stay connected with your spouse and being careful that you are keeping a focus on a very strong marriage and nurturing the marriage, because especially with kids and step kids, it can undermine the marriage and you can have disharmony in parenting much more easily in a blended family, because you didn't learn to parent together.

Somebody came in already as a parent.

And that's very different than what happens in a traditional family where you began your parenting journey together and you learn to parent together.

Because of the intentionality, I would imagine that is almost impressed on you, specifically if you desire to excel.

Have you seen other families that are not blended and natural families would naturally be the correct term?

Yes, yeah, it can be used that are traditional.

Yes.

Traditional families.

Have you seen inefficiencies in the model that you can offer expertise because of the fact again, that you're so intentional, you're looking you're it's not your children, right?

You're you have to be mindful of what's happening.

Is there times when you've looked over at a traditional family and seen inefficiencies or deficiencies?

Yes, I think especially in this day and age, the way that technology has just overtaken us and, and also the way that activities drive the home so often kids activities, kids can be involved in so many activities and parents don't choose to put any boundaries around it.

And so they're instead of having intentional family time at home, they are even on Sundays, they choose to do sports and other things that take them away from going to church and building relationships, being more intentional in the home of making sure that that is where relationships are formed.

And if we don't put some boundaries around what our kids are allowed to do, how our kids are allowed to use phones and technology, it'll get out of control.

And then relationship building doesn't happen because there's too many other things pulling at the attention of the kids and the parents.

And I think that's one of the biggest things is, is the technology and then just the activities that kids can be involved in it.

And somebody has to put some boundaries around it.

And that's the parents, the kids aren't going to do it, especially if they're social children, they, it's, it's fun to be involved in all those things.

So just intentionality around the goal is to stay connected with these kids.

And then, especially as they move into teenage years that, and they start driving, we have to find even more creative ways of being sure that we stay connected to them and they don't just begin to have all these relationships outside the home that they are influenced by.

All right, let's do message in a bottle.

So five years from today, you're listening to this conversation.

What's a message you'd leave for future Gala listening?

In every season, continue to trust God with whatever circumstances you're in.

This has been a great pleasure.

In closing, is there anything else you'd like to share with our amazing audience?

I don't think so.

I think we've covered it.

I'm thankful for what you're doing and just pray that it is a blessing for others and just encouragement specifically for, for me, for those who are in blended families to not give up even when it's hard.

Gala, Grace, a pleasure.

I treasure.

Thank you for being on What Is Inspired by 12 Minute Converse.