What if your breakup or divorce isn't a failure, but an opportunity to rediscover who you truly are?

We've been conditioned to believe that love should last forever and that the end of a relationship means something went wrong. But what if every relationship serves a purpose, regardless of how long it lasts?

In this solo episode, I explore how outdated beliefs about love, childhood patterns and the stories we tell ourselves can make heartbreak even more painful. When we stay attached to blame, resentment and other people's expectations, we lose sight of the opportunity for growth.

I'll share three truths that can help you navigate breakup and divorce differently, release the stories keeping you stuck and reconnect with your own inner wisdom. This ending doesn't have to define you. It can become the beginning of a more empowered, authentic chapter of your life.

In This Episode We Explore:

• How fairy-tale conditioning shapes our expectations of love
• Why a relationship ending doesn't mean it failed
• The connection between childhood patterns and relationship struggles
• How blame and resentment keep heartbreak alive
• Why taking ownership of your patterns changes your experience
• The influence your response to divorce can have on your children
• Why other people's opinions shouldn't determine your next steps
• What becomes possible when you stop filling the emptiness and turn inward

3 Truths That Will Change How You Navigate Breakup & Divorce

1. Stop Feeding the Story - Release blame and resentment, and allow yourself to feel what's underneath the pain.
2. Other People's Opinions Are Not Your Truth - Let go of outside expectations and trust your own inner wisdom.
3. Go Into the Void Rather Than Fill It - Instead of escaping the emptiness, use it to reconnect with yourself and grow.

Your Practice for This Week:

Notice when you're feeding the story of your breakup or letting others influence how you feel.

Rather than seeking reassurance or distraction, allow yourself to feel your emotions and turn inward.

Ask yourself: What is this experience teaching me about who I truly am?

Your relationship may be ending, but a new chapter of self-love and possibility is beginning.

Starting Over Weekend - October 23-25th (8-10am pacific daily)

A weekend of deep connection, inspiration - and an opportunity to rewrite your story as you navigate this significant change in your life.

Click the link to register: https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/startingover

Website: https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/

About the Host:

Kate Harlow is the founder of The Unscriptd Woman, the creator of The Expanded Love Coaching Method, and host of The New Truth podcast - ranked in the top 1.5% globally. With over 15 years of experience teaching, coaching and facilitating transformational retreats worldwide, Kate has helped hundreds of thousands of women break free from outdated relational patterns, old patriarchal ways of thinking and unspoken rules to live by.

Her infallible methods guide women to release the deeply ingrained scripts that keep them stuck- empowering women to step into their highest, most magnetic, and fully expressed selves. Through her coaching, retreats, podcast and upcoming book The Unscriptd Woman, Kate is redefining what it means to be an empowered woman in today's world, showing women how to stop waiting for permission and start creating a life and love that aligns with their deepest truth.

Known for her rare ability to see exactly where women are out of alignment with themselves, Kate offers a path back to unwavering self- trust, meaningful joy and true fulfillment. Her work is a revolution - one that liberates women from societal expectations and invites them into a life of radical authenticity, thriving relationships and unshakable self-worth.

Thanks for listening! It means so much to us that you listened to our podcast! If you would like to continue the conversation with us, head on over to our Facebook group, the New Truth Movement at https://www.facebook.com/groups/209821843509179/

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If you have a story still that you're attached to

that you shouldn't have got divorced and that you should

still be married and look at everyone around you, they're

making it work. Why can't we? Right. So many women feel shame.

They feel like failures. They even I hear people use this

language constantly about divorce. They say our marriage

failed. Your marriage did not fail. Your marriage came to a

closure and a completion. It did not fail. That is a perception.

Okay, a miracle is a shift in perception. You can look at

something through your small self, through your conditioned

self. If you get divorced, it's a failure, and that you should

stay married no matter what.

Hello, my loves. Kate Harlow here. Welcome to the New Truth

Podcast. Welcome any newbies to this beautiful place where you

get to remember who you are and what's possible. And you know,

as we dive into this week's episode, the three truths that

will change how you navigate divorce and breakup. My hope for

you is that you bring a totally new perspective into this

painful time that you're walking through right now. Now, going

through breakup and divorce really is universal, except for

if you're a nut, you know, for nuns and monks and people that

never get into relationship, which is such a rare thing. Most

humans will experience heartbreak in their life. Most

most humans will experience divorce or breakup or you know

really painful endings. And the whole point of the New Truth

podcast is to bring new perspectives to that which we've

done in the past, to bring intention and love to the places

that we normally create suffering and angst and so much

pain, and to create a whole new reality based on whatever life

is bringing us, whatever what I call your curriculum is at the

time. So I'm sending so much love to your heart if you are

walking through a painful divorce. Maybe you have kids,

and it's really messy and scary, and you know feels like life is

just rocking you right now. Maybe you're going through an

unexpected breakup. Maybe someone left you, or changed the

agreement, or didn't hold up their end of the bargain, and

and so I just want to send so much love to your heart and your

journey as we walk through this conversation today. It's an

incredibly painful time going through a relationship ending.

We go from knowing someone so deeply, so being so connected,

having that person be your person-the person you bring

stuff to, the person you share your vulnerabilities with, the

person you, you know, share your tough day with-and all of a

sudden, that person, in many cases, becomes distant or cold.

Maybe they become mean. There's some sort of cutoff or really,

really big, significant change in the dynamic, and I feel like

that's that's a huge part of what makes relationships so

challenging. It's like, how could you go from having so much

love, assuming you had love? Obviously, some people get

married and get into relationships for other reasons,

and we can chat about that too. But to go from something that

felt so pure and so beautiful and so kind and loving to one

day it becoming the opposite of that, and so I want to start

with a bonus truth first because the way that we do breakups is

part of the setup of what we were taught in relationships

that sets us up for relationships being so crazy and

painful, so the fairy tale story that we were all fed, that we

were all taught from a very young age when we were our

brains were developing, we were watching Disney movies, we were

watching fairy tales about Prince Charming coming along and

and you know sweeping me off my feet one day. And whether you

think about that consciously or not, whether that you believe

that affected you or not, it did on some level. I actually was

doing my warm up every time I do a podcast. I sing to help warm

up my voice, and I was singing. I just put on a random playlist

of vocal warm-up songs in my Spotify, and every single song

was about fantasy, love, or heartbreak. It was really

interesting, and I thought, how perfect!

Before teaching this podcast episode and diving into this

conversation with you, because this conditioning-when I say

conditioning, it's like the programming. If your mind, so

when children are age zero to seven, our minds are sponges.

Dr. Bruce Lipton talks about how we're actually in a hypnotic

state because we're so present and so connected to our hearts,

to our souls in the present moment that. Everything that we

see and hear goes into our subconscious programming, and

then we believe it to be true. And then, of course, this

programming continues for the rest of our lives. So, whatever

messages you are have throughout your life and are consuming

about love is determining how you do love. And of course, on

top of that, you've got patterns, which we'll talk about

later too. You've got your own patterns you developed for

patterns of protection when you were little, navigating the

world, and also that affects your your relationships as well.

And seeing you know whatever family relationships were

modeled to you. So this is how we learn love. Love is fast and

furious and exciting, and it's a high, and you feel this crazy

chemistry, and it's this crazy intensity, and you can't stop

thinking about the person, and and you just want to get them,

and you just want to conquer it, and you just want to finally be

chosen by them, right? This is in every movie, every Netflix

show, still to this day, every song, every you know, people are

watching that new Netflix series. What's it called? The

one with the the podcaster. It's the the podcaster, and she and

her sister are doing a podcast, and then she marries a rabbi, or

she gets into a relationship with a rabbi. Oh my gosh, what's

it called? Anyways, it'll come back to me. So that new Netflix

show, I saw so many people post about it, and they were like,

"Finally, conscious love. This man gets her. He sees her. But

if you actually go back and watch that show, they're in

absolute fantasy. They rush everything. They're like

constantly rushing to get to the next phase, get to the next

phase, get to the next phase, it's still the old paradigm,

right? It's still not a woman who's deeply rooted in her heart

and soul, who's deeply connected and satiated in her life, and

then getting into a relationship, not needing him to

fill something, right? That relational dynamic is he's

filling something for her in that story. She's not that

happy. She's she's kind of miserable and doesn't really

believe in love. And then this guy comes along, and all of a

sudden she believes in love again because he's a good man.

And you know, I think that we're still starving for that story of

fantasy love. And even when it's disguised, it's like, oh, they

go to therapy and they talk about their feelings. So all of

a sudden we think this is an evolved relationship, but it's

still it rooted in this old paradigm idea of I'm moving

through my life, I don't feel good, but once love comes along,

then everything will be good, and then I get swept off my

feet, and then I'm constantly wanting the next thing. You'll

see in the movie, she or in the show, she's always wanting the

next thing, she's wanting a commitment. She's wanting to

move in together. She's wanting to get married, and then now

left with this predicament of whether to become Jewish or not.

So this, I'm like, really wish I knew the name of the show, but

it's with Kristen Bell and Adam Brody from the the OC TV show.

So it it is still rooted in the fantasy, right? Because most

people only know the fantasy love story. It's like I have

clients all the time who are so rooted in themselves, in their

hearts. They're loving their lives, and all of a sudden they

meet someone, and they're like, "Kate, like I don't feel

fireworks, but it feels like really good, but it's like

moving really slowly, and I'm like, yes, perfect. That's how

it should be, because when you're rooted in yourself and in

your soul, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe

I'm planting seeds for your future self.

The more you root and deepen into the truth of who you are,

and all of my work in this entire podcast is all guidance

on how to do so. But the more that you root into true into who

you truly are and the depth of your own being and your own

soul, the less you need anything. So things feel really

grounded, even when you're doing something that is amazing. You

don't get high off it like a drug. You feel rooted. You feel

satiated. You feel present. But it's a very grounded feeling.

It's very different than the old paradigm where I'm constantly

searching a high from the vacation, from the night out

with the girls, from the the date, from the guy you know that

I'm being chosen by, and we're constantly chasing feeling good,

but then we never get to feel good long term. That is the old

paradigm. That thing from your patterns, not from the sovereign

woman that is inside of you, your soul. So over time, you

will get what I mean if you don't get what I mean now. But

everything looks differently from that place. So back to the

truth that will change how you navigate divorce. The fairy tale

led us astray because in the beginning, if somebody else is

responsible for my pleasure, right? If I meet someone and I'm

like, oh my god, I feel so happy. I feel so. Alive, I feel

so turned on. I can do anything, and I'm so high on life because

I've been feeling bad because I'm disconnected from my soul.

The only reason you ever feel bad is because you're

disconnected from your soul. Ever, you think you need a

relationship, you think you need a new job, you think you need to

move. It's simply a disconnection from the truth of

who you are. So, so for me in my journey now, when I feel bad, I

know I'm not connected. So I let my small self feel, and you

know, move the energy, and I come back to that present

connected to my deeper self, and then I feel good again, no

matter what, no matter where I am. That is a learnable skill.

In fact, it's inherent. It's your nature. When you were

little, you were only living from your soul, and as you went

through life, you adapted yourself. You you adapted this

programmed, conditioned version of yourself that you think is

who you are. Your personality, Joe Dispenza says it's your

personal reality you developed in order to survive your

childhood, in order to fit in, to belong, to feel loved, to

feel safe, to feel accepted. But that's actually not who you

truly are. So if I am not connected to that infinite

source of my own divine being and my own divine love that

lives inside of me. I'm existing in my conditioned self, in my

personality, in my small self, which I call your saboteur and

the little wounded girl. Right, the little girl who went through

your entire life many times, being shut down for the gift of

who she is, being told that's not right, that's not good

enough. You got to be more like this. Being measured against all

of her classmates, measured against all of her siblings. You

know this little girl who is constantly brainwashed to

perform, to be a good girl, to behave. Right. Meanwhile, you

shut down all these parts of yourself because they didn't

feel safe, and so who you really are is inside of you, just

waiting for you to come back home to her. But you've been

operating in this programmed version of yourself, which I

call your saboteur. Now, as a child, that was your protector.

You needed her. You needed to create this alter ego of

perfectionism or self-sacrifice, people pleasing-you needed to

develop that in order to be safe as a child. But now, when you

are living from that part of you, you are empty inside,

right? You're hurting underneath. The little girl

underneath doesn't feel lovable, doesn't feel worthy, doesn't

feel good enough, and if that's the part of you that's heading

out dating, and she's looking for love to try and get love to

feel good enough, to feel lovable, to feel worthy, then

the fairy tale love story, the extractive old paradigm of love,

was the setup of this relationship to begin with,

right?

Not saying you did anything wrong. You didn't know what you

didn't know, but that was the setup. So if I made this man or

this woman responsible for how I feel in the beginning, and most

people feel really good in the beginning, sometimes not.

Sometimes we, you know, put blinders on and are like, "Oh,

this guy's rich. I'm just gonna pretend I have feelings for him.

You know that happens too. But for the most part, we we feel

really high on the fantasy or the idea of where this

relationship is going, and then our pain starts to creep in. And

what does your saboteur fantasy addict do when the pain creeps

in? The fantasy addict part of your saboteur is like, oh, I'm

starting to feel insecure. Maybe I need to get him to commit to

me. Maybe, maybe we should move in together. I'm starting to

question his love for me, right? Because, and that's what

happened in that TV show with Kristen Bell. She's constantly

questioning his love for her and wanting him to do some grandiose

thing to make her feel more loved. And he listens, and he's

really kind, and so he does those things. But that's the

wounded little girl. The wounded little girl will never feel

loved from that place because nobody else is responsible for

your love, nor can somebody else's love fill a bottomless

pit. The wounded little girl believes she's not good enough.

She's not worthy, so she's never going to stop seeking for her

external environment to reinforce her lovability, her

worthiness, and her her enoughness. Right, the little

wounded part of you will seek that in friendships, will seek

that in jobs, will seek that in every facet of your life to try

and prove that you are worthy, that you are lovable, that you

are good enough. Now you might not relate to any of this on the

surface, but this is what's happening for everyone

subconsciously. And so we get into this fairy tale love story.

It's so grand. It's so great in the beginning. We feel amazing,

and then we're constantly chasing that high. In the box,

getting to the next phase of the relationship, and there's a

promise of the future, right? Once we marry, right? So, for

those of you who are navigating divorce, this is for you. Once

you marry, you sign a contract with a promise of the future.

Now, that notion alone is a flaw in the system of the old

paradigm of love, because how am I sitting here? Even if I feel

so amazing, even if I feel so safe, this relationship is so

healthy. It's honest. It's open. We're both sovereign. We're both

taking care of ourselves. We're both responsible for our

feelings. Like even if you walk into the relationship being

super self-aware and rooted in your soul and divinity, what I

call your heroine. Even then, you cannot know your future

self, right? So the idea that we promise a future with someone

when we can't know, you can promise to always be honest. You

can promise to always grow and be willing to look at your stuff

and be willing to take responsibility for your pain and

your pleasure, you know you can you can hope to grow together

forever and ever, but you cannot know that to be true. You know,

I think of how many couples go through like crazy,

heartbreaking life experiences, and then often that sets them in

completely different directions. Like, God forbid, losing a

child. I think that's probably one of the most horrific,

painful things you could ever walk through in your human

experience. And yet, when people walk through that, the

statistics are super high that that relationship falls apart

after walking through. Sometimes people deepen in intimacy

walking through something like that together, and sometimes

they go their separate ways. Sometimes even you know, a man

loses his mother, and then all of a sudden, he like completely

goes through a midlife crisis, and everything changes. Like

everything is up for possibility. Like there are 10

gazillion ways this story can go. So the idea that the setup

in the beginning is I will choose you till death do us

part. You can certainly agree to I will love you forever. I love

all of my former partners.

That's absolutely a possibility because if you are self aware,

you're not going to turn your former partner into the bad guy

and the villain in your story. If you're self-aware, you're

going to learn from the experience, which we're going to

talk lots about today. This is an opportunity to learn about

your own patterns, to learn about your side of the

relational dynamic, and what was your part. But the fairy tale

story doesn't even talk about that. The fairy tale story is

like, oh, you just arrived, you meet the person, you find that

like, and women are programmed from such a young age. Like

that's our goal in life, right? Men have to become something.

Women just have to meet someone. You know, once you have your

guide, then you're set. That's what we're taught, and it's such

a setup. It's such a setup. A relationship is a living,

breathing thing. An individual is a living, breathing thing.

We're always changing. We're always evolving, even when we're

not on the growth path. So, especially if you're listening

to the Nutrient podcast, or you're, you know, reading

personal development books, or you're going to therapy, if

you're here to grow and evolve as a soul, and to not just be in

your conditioned self, absolutely, your relationship is

going to change, and you're going to change. You do not know

your future self. You don't know who you're going to be, what

you're going to desire, or how you're going to feel down the

road. So, to make a promise to someone that you cannot

necessarily keep up is the flaw in itself, right? And I don't

say this like you didn't know what you didn't know. And for

those women who are, you know, maybe you're listening to this

podcast and you're walking down the aisle next week, maybe

rewrite your vows, right? Could you say something that's more

real and authentic? What feels true right now doesn't mean your

relationship can't keep growing and evolving and becoming more

and more and more like fine wine, where it gets more rich

and more beautiful and more juicy over time. That's 100% a

possibility. In fact, I know couples who've experienced that.

It's more rare, especially if you don't have any relational

skills and you don't have any self awareness and you're not

devoted to owning your side of the street. It's pretty rare to

have a relationship that not just lasts. Of course, we've

seen everyone's been to their grandparents, you know, 50th

wedding anniversary. Who don't even like each other. That was

my grandparents. It's like we celebrate longevity in the old

paradigm rather than an actual successful, thriving

relationship where people are growing and evolving and

supporting each other and becoming individually, but also

becoming together. Right? That we don't have a lot of models of

that, and yet every relationship serves a purpose. So that's the

first truth I want to want to really really highlight for you

is our setup when it comes to. Relationships is where the

problem is because if someone else is responsible for my

pleasure, they're also going to be responsible for my pain. So

the moment in that relationship, I stop feeling beautiful, I stop

feeling attractive, I stop feeling like he's vying for my

attention, I stop feeling like I matter or I'm the center of his

world, which most people make each other the center of each

other's world in the beginning. Another old paradigm way of

being, right? If you are so rooted and you're the center of

your world, you will not make someone else the center of your

world. It's not possible. You'll have amazing connections and so

many people that are important, integral parts of your world.

But if you are not the center, then someone else will be right,

and that's the old paradigm. We're taught to make someone

else the center of our world. I hear women say all the time, "He

stopped prioritizing me. I wasn't his number one priority.

My love, you should be your number one priority, and he

should be his. And from that place of sovereignty and of

taking full responsibility for everything inside, you have so

much more to give, and also a relationship shouldn't be

everything. Like that's also the nuclear family model. We get

into relationship, we have children together, and then we

do everything together.

We go on double dates, we spend time as a family, and everything

we do is with each other. You know how many shapeshifters get

into relationship and then stop investing in their friendships,

and yet women need women more than we need men, and we don't

just need women who gossip and complain with us. We need women

who are deeply connected to their own hearts and evolving,

just like we are. If you were on this path of evolution, and

you're here, so imagine you are. So the fairy tale gives us the

promise of the future, and then the moment that expectation

dissolves because the future is no longer here. You know, maybe

someone sideswiped you and they left you for another person.

Maybe you found out they're not who you thought they were. Maybe

the love eroded over time. Maybe your bitterness and resentful

was so strong it just you couldn't come back from it.

There's so many ways that relationships end, and yet

ultimately our mass disappointment is that the story

didn't go how we thought it was supposed to go. That you had an

idea in your head based on the old paradigm of love. That once

I sign a contract, this is forever. That this relationship

was supposed to keep going and going. That all relationships

that are amazing in the beginning are the one. Right.

That's why even that notion, oh, I've met the one. That statement

is basically an assumption that I'm at an arrival point. There

is no arrival point. You are the one. Your soul is the one, and

we love to date other people and to be in relationship because we

get to feel the ignition of our soul, little activations in our

soul. And then you go to a salsa dance class and you feel

activations there. And then you go to a women's weekend and you

feel activations there, like your soul, many things on this

beautiful, extraordinary planet will will ignite and activate

your heart and your soul. But the old paradigm of love tells

us it's just supposed to come from a man, and when it stops

coming, it's all on him, and we gotta blame him. Poor men, we're

so complicated and different and emotional and connect. Like we

are so different. What women require in relationship is so

different than what men require. That's why we need to surround

ourselves with a with a tribe, with a coven of amazing, sacred,

intuitive, emotional, connected, heart-centered women. Then you

will need way less from your partner, and probably the

relationship will have way more space to grow, to evolve. Life

will be breathed into it because you're you're feeding your heart

and soul in other ways, and then you come home and you appreciate

what they do and what they are for you. So there is a whole new

paradigm of love. This entire podcast is is devoted to that

and to a whole new paradigm of life and of womanhood and of

sisterhood, and so we have to rewrite the story in order to

experience something different. But what broke our hearts in the

divorce? What's breaking our hearts in the divorce is this

idea that it should be different. So if you are a woman

right now who's experiencing any shame, that it's going how it's

not going how it should be going. I'm here to tell you, my

love, this is exactly how it's supposed to go. If you have a

story still that you're attached to that you shouldn't have got

divorced and that you should still be married and look at

everyone around you, they're making it work. Why can't we?

Right. So many women feel shame. They feel like failures. They

even. I hear people use this language constantly about

divorce. They say our marriage failed. Your marriage did not

fail. Your marriage came to a closure and a completion. It did

not fail. That is a perception. Okay. Miracle is a shift in

perception. You can look at something through your small

self, through your conditioned self. If you get divorced, it's

a failure. Where do we learn that? I'm sure religion. I'm

sure religion taught us that if you get divorced, that's a

failure, and that you should stay married at no matter what.

That's like some some family roots you have. Maybe there's

some evangelical roots.

Like my my grandma and grandpa, bless their hearts, they're on

the other side. They actually passed away five weeks apart,

which is kind of comical because they did not like each other.

They did not get along. My grandma was so insecure. My

grandma constantly was nagging my grandpa and like wishing for

him to be different, and every time like she'd meet a boyfriend

of mine that was sweet and kind, she would be like, "You better

marry him, and but she would never get divorced because she

grew up Baptist, and that was like illegal in her religion,

and so she never ever considered leaving this man who reinforced

her wounding over and over and over again. Meanwhile, my

grandpa was just like doo doo doo, like in his own world, not

paying attention to the impact because he was never responsible

for it to begin with, right? But my grandma didn't know what she

didn't know. Not nor did my grandpa, and they were wound

mates. They were in this little cell together in this little

life that they built together, and they were wound mates. My

grandma watched TV all day long, and you know, even when I went

to visit her, she would still have the TV playing in the

background. Like she and you know, I love her. She's so she

was so so sweet. I'm not saying any of this to in from judgment

whatsoever, but that's the old paradigm. Never in a million

years did she consider divorce because it was a sin she was

taught from a very young age. Her her father, my grandfather,

was a preacher at an evangelical church, and so there you go,

right? Like the religious religious programming ran so so

so deep, and I don't say this to put down religion either. But

there's so much indoctrination. There's so much conditioning

that comes from so many different places: from our

family system, from our social system, from the media, from the

government, from the all these industries-the beauty industry,

you know, the fashion industry. Like we are programmed, what our

life is supposed to look like, what we are supposed to look

like as women, what our bodies are supposed to look like, what

our houses are-we're just programmed, and we're either

just living in the program, ignoring our souls, or we're or

we're waking up and choosing something different. And I know

you're here to wake up because you're here, so the breakup, the

shame, the divorce shame, right? The the I'm a failure. Our

marriage failed. Your marriage didn't fail. It came to an end,

and most relationships will come to an end. Every single

relationship serves a purpose, even the really painful ones

that seem so toxic and so challenging are here to teach us

something about ourselves. Are here to activate something.

Maybe it activates you using your voice at the very very end.

Maybe it activates you finally walking away. Maybe in that

relationship you were here to learn deep love. Like I think of

my last relationship, Patricio was, you know, there was there

were elements that weren't in alignment, which is why the

relationship came to a completion. And I really just

believe it. It it ran its course, but there were so many

beautiful elements about that dynamic. Like he loved me, and

he was such a words person, so he was constantly in awe and

reflecting his celebration of me, his love for me. He was

constantly reflecting my beauty, even when I didn't feel

beautiful. Like it was so sweet, and I feel like on some level

that relationship was really healing because right before

that relationship, I had a relationship with someone who

was quite emotionally disconnected, and even though he

did really cool things for me, he couldn't tell me how he felt.

So there was something beautiful about this next relationship

that gave me something I wasn't able to receive in the

relationship before. So every relationship, when you look back

in retrospect, has a gift, has lessons, has is part of your

hero's journey. We are all here, like every movie is the hero's

journey, the heroine's journey. You're all here on a heroine's

journey, right? We're all here to discover who we are, to

become closer and closer to our truth, our hearts, our souls,

our light.

To remember who we are, because we knew when we first came into

this human experience, and then we were trained away from

ourselves, and now we seem to be believing who we are as this

conditioned version of ourselves. So, the the first

truth. So, I I gave a bonus one is really the fairy tale and the

the whole and even like how we're taught. Hold on, I'm not

done that one yet. Breakups. Okay, we learn love is high and.

And this exciting chase, and it's like I finally got the one.

I finally was chosen, and we learn that about relationships

in the movies, in the songs, in the TV. Think about how we learn

breakups. How many love songs are about heartbreak and are

about the other person being responsible for our pain and

about torment and being tormented by love being taken

away, you know the movie The Breakup with Jennifer Aniston

and Vince Vaughn was so painful and distant and cold and

dramatic. So if you are doing your breakup dramatically, my

love, the problem isn't the breakup or the divorce, right?

People say, I mean, this is a. I feel very strongly about this

because I've over the years I've coached so many women going

through divorce, and that's been my primary audience that I've

attracted. The the majority of women that I've helped shift

into their hearts and souls and reclaim all those repressed

parts are women who are going through divorce, and most of

them have children, and there is this there is this saying or

this statement from the old paradigm that is like divorce is

bad for children; it's harmful and toxic to children. So, so

many people stay in a toxic relational dynamic. They don't

work on it for the most part, right? Maybe they try therapy,

but most part people don't work on their relationship and try

and make it better. But they carry a belief that a divorce is

worse for children. But here is my belief: what is harm?

Children are adaptable. What is harmful to children is who you

are being, not what you are doing. It's who you are being.

So if you are inside of this divorce and you are hating your

ex, and you are creating drama, and you are gossiping, and

complaining, and blaming, and in animosity, and fighting, and so

much more is possible, stick with me to the end, and I will

guide you there. But if you are just trapped in the story that

this other person's wrong and bad, or that this shouldn't be

happening, and you're constantly in the drama of your saboteur's

small self's perspective of what is happening in your life right

now. That is harming your children, and I don't say that

to blame you in any way, but more as an incentive for you to

do it differently. This is an invitation from life, from the

universe, to awaken. This is a catalyst for a new beginning, a

new chapter. Our lives are filled with chapters, and are

you going to take the call to rise? Is this is a call to rise

into the heroine of your life to become the leading lady who

loves herself rather than is seeking love? Right. Most women

get out of a relationship and then they're dating right away,

trying to fill that void. It's like, oh, my relationship was

dead for many years, and we were fighting, and it was toxic, and

I wasn't. We weren't intimate anymore. So they become single,

and then all of a sudden, they're dating constantly,

trying to fill the void with the attention and the validation and

the sex and the the. But like, have you even stopped for a

minute to get to know your own soul, to to learn how to love

yourself? That this is the invitation. The greatest gift

you can give your children is to learn how to love yourself, to

learn how to heal your own heart, so you're no longer

entering into relationships from the old paradigm of expectation

and disappointment and blame and fantasy, right? You get to be

the woman who changes your family system and changes how

your children will end up one day treating themselves and

their partners by doing it differently. So use that as

incentive to take this invitation from the universe to

go on a journey inward.

This is the invitation to go inward. Your small self will

want to lead this breakup, this divorce, and she'll want to

dramatize it, and she'll want to just gossip with other people.

So that's actually the first truth that is essential to

transforming how you do your divorce and breakup, so you

experience a completely different result. And the first

truth is, stop feeding the story-the story that you're

telling to your friends, to your family. You know, if you're

co-parenting with someone, I've coached so many women over the

years who are co-parenting with a narcissist that they're

divorcing, and there's all this perspective that narcissists are

the big bad guys. And now I'm like, I'm the victim, and now

I've you know got to talk to my friends about it every time I

have to deal with him. My friends are gonna, my friends'

saboteurs are gonna get off on hearing the story and the drama

and the whatever, and this is actually connected to last

week's episode about resentment. This is what keeps the

resentment going. This is what keeps you in animosity. And and

like I said last week, if you heard that episode, that is

drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. You are

hurting yourself by feeding this story. And my friend Thespis,

hi, my love. He listens to the podcast. He loves it. He said

something so brilliant to me on a phone call this morning. He

said, "Toxicity is in all of us. It's not in some of us. It's in

all of us. So you might be looking at the people around

you. You might be looking at the president of the United States,

or your boss, or your partner, your ex partner, as you're

navigating this journey, and call them the toxic one. But

that is a victim mentality because you have toxic behaviors

too. All our saboteurs do, and I don't say that to blame you, but

to give you an invitation to do something differently, because

you can choose to do it differently, and to become

empowered in becoming the observer of the story, the

observer of the victim mentality, becoming the observer

of the part of you that wants to constantly feed this story about

how he broke your heart, he hurt you, or this shouldn't be

happening, or you guys should be together. The universe has a far

greater plan for you than your your small mind ever could. So

your mind is going to tell you a whole lot of ideas as to

whatever is happening in your life shouldn't be happening. But

that's not true because it's happening, so it should be. Even

if your mind and and a part of you believes you're supposed to

be together forever, if that's true, you're meant to go on a

journey right now, and perhaps that journey is going to lead

you back to each other, and you're going to have a much

deeper, more richer, beautiful relationship. If you haven't

heard Jackie Jade's episode, I'm going to plug plug that again.

Jackie Jade Gilstrap, go to beginning of June. It's a should

I stay or should I go episode, and or when you're questioning

leaving or something along those lines, she tells her love story

about how she did a year working with me, coming to the immersion

in Greece, unleashing her true self, learning how to love

herself deeply, learning how to hold herself through small

moments and painful moments, and then her relationship absolutely

transformed. And her husband didn't even do anything. Like

it's not, and of course he's evolving in his own way. But

like she's the one who shifted the dynamic. It takes one person

to change a relational dynamic. The person who's got the most

consciousness in the relationship can change the

dynamic. So you're even how you're divorcing. I've worked

with so many women who, you know, their their partner was a

nightmare when they started working with me, but the partner

was a nightmare because they were participating still in the

saboteur dynamic, even through the divorce trial, even through

the lawyer meetings, even through you know the

co-parenting. It's like you can do that differently. You can do

anything from your heroin, and I promise you, you will get a very

different result when you're doing it from your heroin and

you're no longer participating in your side of the dynamic.

Which means you have to be willing to look at your side of

the dynamic. I have a weekend coming up called the Starting

Over weekend, if you're if you're feeling this and you're

like, I want to know more. I want to know about my part. I

want to know how to do it differently. Join us october 23

to 25th. Move mountains to make it happen. It's just two and a

half hours each morning, eight a.m. to 1030 a.m. Pacific,

Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Obviously, if you live somewhere

else in the world, it's not morning. I live in Kenya, so

it's 6p.m. for me. But it's such a beautiful weekend of deep

healing, of sisterhood, of connection, of intimacy, of

everything every woman's longing for, and a much more empowered

way to do a completion of a relationship. So it actually can

become an opportunity to heal, as opposed to a reinforcement of

your patterns, right? If you are doing your divorce from your

patterns the same way you've always done every breakup,

wherever you go, there you are. You're just going to keep

bringing them into the next relationship, and the next

breakup, the next relationship, the next breakup. Something else

is possible here for you, and you are being called forward,

you are being called to rise. This is such a beautiful

opportunity. So we create the chaos. You think the chaos that

you're experiencing is what's actually happening, but it is so

much more of what you're telling yourself and telling other

people that is creating the chaos you're experiencing in

your life right now, going through breakup and divorce and

the heartbreak and the pain, it's so much more the stories in

your mind about the thing than the thing itself, right? If we

actually just felt our feelings without a story, we would move

through things much quicker than with the story. The story keeps

it alive, so you've got to tend to the feelings underneath the

story, right? This isn't to say negate your feelings, but the

feelings are underneath the feelings of rage, of of sadness,

of betrayal, of frustration, of of you know deep despair,

whatever you're feeling. Feel it, but don't feed the story.

Because as long as you keep the story alive-that he's wrong, or

that this shouldn't be happening, or that you should be

together, or that he's a narcissist-like whatever the

story might be-you're missing the grief underneath that just

needs to be felt, and just needs to be processed, and just needs

to be moved and met. Once you move and meet that feeling, you

come back to trusting life's orchestration, trusting that

this is exactly how the spores story is supposed to go. Even if

there's going to be a cameo later with that person, even if

there's going to be a reunion, you don't need to know if that's

coming or not coming. It's only your small self that wants to

know because your small self, aka saboteur and little you, is

scared that life isn't going to go how you think it's supposed

to go, how you've been taught it's supposed to go, is scared

that you're never going to have love again, is scared that

you're never going to fit in with everyone else because

everyone else is married or whatever the story might be.

It's only your small self that fears the unknown. Your your

sovereign soul is just in the experience, and excited for the

next one, and excited for the next one, right? This is

happening right now, and it makes no sense to your small

self. But zooming out, this is going to make so much sense

later. You're going to be like, oh my god, thank God he had the

affair with that woman. I've had so many women I've worked with

who feel this way now. Thank God that affair happened a year ago.

Kate, I was heartbroken. I was so angry. I hated men. I was,

you know, in absolute agony. I hated myself because I felt like

there was something wrong with me because he chose to be with

another woman or many other women, and yet, when I sit here

a year later, after I've awakened who I truly am, became

the heroine of my story, started to live from my heart and soul,

not my conditioned small self, I sit here a year later and go,

"Holy shit!

Thank God he had an affair. Right? Can you imagine that? If

you are sitting in the grief and the pain of that, I imagine you

can't imagine that. But this too shall pass. However, if you stay

in your patterns and you stay in your victim's story of this

thing happened to me, and this man is a bad person, and he did

something to me, and all men are bad. And you start to build that

story. You go gossip to your friends about it, and you go

build the story more and more and more. If that's where your

focus is, this will not be a catalyst for for the life that's

meant for you. This will be a reinforcement of your small self

leading your life. So this is a call to rise. I'll say that 10

million times. Toxicity is in all of us. Blame keeps you in

captivity. Own your side of the street, right? Own your

expectations you had on how the relationship was supposed to go.

Get to know what part of you is being called forward right now.

You're being called forward to step into your queen, who just

like leads her life from her sovereignty and knows that

everything's always working out, and that this is exactly how

it's supposed to go. Maybe you're being called into

listening to the sage. These are aspects of the heroine, the

sage, the part of you that knows, that's intuitive, that

has gut feelings, that can actually trust the moment and

stop painting a fantasy of the future with anything, with

business, with like your life's purpose. You don't have to paint

a fantasy of the future. You don't need to know where you're

going. In fact, if you know where you're going, probably

you're just in your conditioned self and you're controlling your

reality, and that means you're missing the boat on an epic,

magical life that's meant for your soul. So the second truth,

I know the first one was a bonus. So technically, I guess

there's four. Technically, the third truth is other people's

opinions about your divorce, about your breakup, about what's

happening is a projection of their own limitations and their

own thinking, their own programming around

relationships. So if you have people that are like, "Oh my

God, I'm so sorry, like this is horrible, or you have people

that that are feeding your shame, like it's something

wrong, and you should have worked harder, and you should

have challenged, you know, you should have gone to therapy, or

maybe you have people in your life who are encouraging you to

date and to put yourself out there. Don't listen to other

people's projections right now because they're projections

about themselves, right? So if you're talking to a friend who

hates being alone, who's disconnected from her heart and

soul, and who's married for all the wrong reasons and staying in

her relationship, and then she tells you to go date, a she's

probably trying to live vicariously through you. Bless

her heart, she's doing it from love. I'm not saying that your

friends are being vindictive in any way. They don't know what

they don't know. But most people are in the old paradigm of love.

So if your friends are looking through the outdated lens of

like a woman shouldn't be alone and you shouldn't be single and

you got to go find someone else now and you got to fill the

void, right? If your friends are pushing that narrative, they're.

Feeding your small self, so be really mindful who you whose

advice you take right now. This is a great time. That's why join

us for the starting over weekend, so you can start to to

to surround yourself with women who are choosing to use this as

an opportunity to grow. This is a catalyst. Breakups and divorce

are one of the biggest catalysts for growth. That's why so many

women I work with are walking through that because it's like

you have so much power, energy to change your story. It's like

it's kind of like a rock bottom, right? If you've hit that rock

bottom and you're like, "Fuck, I don't want to do that again.

You don't want to shut down from love, but you also don't want to

don't want to get into a relationship from your patterns

again, and you want to start living your life and feeling

that aliveness with or without a partner, like that aliveness

that the fairy tale promises us, but we only get in the beginning

because it's a fantasy that you can have just from living a life

that's in alignment with your heart and soul, becoming the

heroine, the leading lady of your life, of your story, this

is your call to rise. This is an opportunity to grow, and you get

to choose whether you do that or not. So, starting over weekend

will be linked below this episode. It's also on my

Instagram, Kate Harlow, the Unscripted Woman. It's also on

my website, The Unscripted Woman. It's $22. It's so cheap,

and it's going to be a beautiful, intimate time on Zoom

with amazing women who are also walking through a huge

transition in their lives and who are really ready to take

their power back and do it differently. No matter what your

story is, my love, this is an opportunity for you to do it

differently. So stop turning to your friends for advice, right?

Like stop feeding the stories of your mind that this is a

failure. This is something wrong. This is a completion.

It's an ending because something new is meant to be born within

you and in your life, and that might not feel good right now,

but it will later. I promise you that if you use it as an

opportunity to grow. So the last call to rise is to, or the last

call to rise, the last truth to help you navigate divorce and

break up differently is to go into the void. Go into the void,

rather than fill it. This is the time that everyone tries to fill

the void. People go through breakups and they're like, "I'm

going to starve myself and get a revenge body and go get a bunch

of Botox and look differently and brag about you know how

perfect my life is on Instagram. Meanwhile, feel miserable,

starving on on the behind the camera behind the the phone,

right? Like this is not your time to let your ego saboteur

take the wheel. This is your time to rise. This is your time

to grow. This is your time to deepen in love for yourself. So

go into the void. The void is you, and your soul lives inside

of that void. I say to my clients, it's the cave of

wonders. When you learn how to actually surrender to the cave

of wonders, it might be dark in there. It might feel scary when

you're coming around a corner and you cannot see, but all of a

sudden these phosphoruses are lighting up the sea, and there's

treasures and gold and jewels and all these magical things

that you'll find in the cave of wonders. That's inside of you.

That's your soul. But if you're filling the void with Netflix

binging, Instagram binging, you know, social media doom

scrolling, or you're filling the void with dating. That's very

common. Going to get little hits of validation to feel good about

yourself and try and like feel like you still got it or

whatever. It's like that is empty, right? It might make you

feel good. You go drinking with your friends. You feel good for

an hour because you're getting attention. You've got your

revenge body, and I think all of that stuff is ego, ego, ego.

It's empty underneath, so you're going to feel your pain worse

and worse and worse. Right? This is a time where you either rise

and deepen into the soul of who you are, or you sink deeper into

your patterns. Right? You sink deeper into your conditioned

self-that's only living on the surface of life, that's only

living by based on everyone else's perception of your life,

rather than the ignition of your soul. When you're ignited in

your heart, in your body, in your soul, you no longer care

what other people think of your life. It's not even a a thought

ever, because you're in your life, but most people's lives

are a performance for everyone else's approval. This is your

call. This is your opportunity to do it different. So go into

the void.

This is divine, and this is an opportunity to to feel the

grief, to feel the rage, to feel the pain and to know that

underneath that are treasures, are gold, are jewels. There's so

much magic inside of you. It's connected to the gifts that you

have inside of you, connected to the life that was meant for you.

Go into the void. Let yourself sit with yourself. Sit in

meditation. Invest in. Work with a mentor. Take go on retreat.

Like use this as an opportunity to deepen your relationship with

yourself. But you have to be willing to feel the emptiness,

to feel the spaciousness. Right, your small self is terrified of

that, and she's going to try and stuff it with food, stuff, numb

it with alcohol, numb it with disassociating behaviors. But

this is an opportunity to deeply root into who you are and life,

like the the the promise of the fairy tale. You actually get to

live all the magic and adventure and beauty that your mind tells

you is in the next relationship, or tells you is in you know the

thing outside of yourself when you're home, like that's how you

get to feel every day. It's incredible, and you also you

also like learn to be in relationship with your small

self and your feelings, so that you can you can navigate

anything. Because life is always going to rock us. Life is always

going to bring us unbelievably challenges, challenging

circumstances and experiences, and either we're growing through

them and we're evolving and expanding as we go through each

challenge life brings, or, like I said, we're falling back into

our patterns. We're deepening into the the pain and the the

the life that is so much suffering. That's all created by

the narrator of your story, which is your saboteur, the

voice in your head telling stories, gossiping, complaining,

blaming, being a victim of the thing. You get to do it

differently, my love. This is an opportunity to deepen in

self-love, to learn how to love yourself fully. What does that

even mean? It's a learnable practice, and it's an

extraordinary gift to be able to love yourself through everything

that life brings your way. So something is different,

something is new. This is an opportunity to do your divorce

and breakup differently. And if you have children, my love, this

is the time in that that's who you're doing it for. You're

doing it for the little girl inside of you, who is repressed

and shut down, and this is your reclamation. This is your call,

your opportunity to do it different for her, and then for

your children, so that you can actually have a kind, loving,

compassionate relationship, even with the narcissist, even with

the bad guy of the story. I promise you something is

different. I am working with an amazing heroine right now who's

navigating divorce, and she's deep in the meetings and in the

lawyer stuff, and she's doing it so differently. And her partner

already has a new partner, and she said to me the other day, "I

can't believe I don't even feel triggered by him being in a new

relationship anymore. It just feels neutral. She's not

triggered at all because she's living from her soul now. She's

no longer in the victim mentality, in the small self,

and she's growing so much from every meeting, every message,

every every situation that used to trigger her. Now she looks at

as an opportunity, an invitation, an expansive place

to practice being the heroine instead of the saboteur. So this

is possible for you too. Reach out to me if you want to know

more about how to go deeper one on one with me. But also join us

at the starting over weekend. $22 october 23 to 25th, eight to

1030 Pacific daily, and it's going to be super beautiful. And

can't wait to see you there. Spread this episode to every

woman you know who's going through a rough time with

divorce or breakup, and I will see you on october 23. Much

love.