Most of us didn't learn self-criticism from a magazine. We learned it from the people who loved us. In this episode, Erica traces her own story from a family of well-meaning critics to the time when she discovered that her Human Design chart told her something she would have ever believed before – that the second half of her life is truly about Self-Love.

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Welcome to The Unfolding Podcast, a

space where we explore what it looks

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like to really trust yourself, say

no without guilt, and live your life

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like it actually belongs to you.

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I'm Erica Voell, a decision mentor and

Inner-Trust guide, and I help women

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in midlife untangle from the life

patterns of shape-shifting and keeping

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everyone else happy claim how they're

uniquely designed to make decisions

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and understand their unique strengths.

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Using human design as a lens, we clear the

noise of conditioning so their no feels

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powerful and their yes feels true, and

they can move forward without self-doubt,

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guilt, and the pressure to prove anything.

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On this show, we have honest conversations

about self-trust, boundaries, energy,

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and identity, especially for women

in midlife who are done living by the

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shoulds and second-guessing themselves.

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If you've taken every personality test,

followed the recommended path, and still

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can't shake that feeling that you've

been spending your whole life trying to

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fit in when what you really wanted was

to belong, you're in the right place.

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You'll hear stories, insights, and tools

rooted in human design and real life.

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Not to tell you what to do like

another self-help book, but to help you

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really hear yourself so you can stop

overthinking and start making decisions

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that feel grounded, clear, and true.

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In my last episode, I talked about

what inspired this summer of self-love.

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It was one comment from a woman named

Michelle on a client panel, and it's…

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It really sparked this whole thing.

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But I wanna take a step back even

further because there's a reason

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that her comment hit me so hard.

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There's a reason I started ugly

crying when I heard her talk about how

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human design helped her love herself.

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This has been part of my life's

work, learning to love myself,

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learning to understand that I

have worth just for being alive,

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and it's always been a struggle.

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I could never quite understand why

other people felt so self-assured,

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and wondered what was I missing.

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What did they have that I was missing?

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In the last ten years, some things

have started to surface that have given

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me some real insight into why this

has been such a hard thing for me.

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I grew up in a family of critics.

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It was all meant out of love, but

my brain and my body took it as that

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there was something wrong with me.

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I felt I needed to get the good

grades to be worthy and to be loved.

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I needed to look a certain way, to be a

certain weight that was different from

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what was naturally happening in my body.

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I needed to dress differently

than what felt most like me.

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The women in my family were,

and still are, professional

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criticizers of other women.

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It's part of our family stories.

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My great-grandmother, who died at

ninety, when she was in her eighties,

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she was at a restaurant with another

family member, and she commented that

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the waitress needed a girdle, and

everybody laughed about it afterward.

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And it was told like this endearing

thing about her, how she couldn't hold

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her tongue, how she was brutally honest.

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But what we never ever talked

about was how that criticism became

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part of our family conversations.

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And I honestly, I learned from the best.

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I learned to take that

criticism of other people, and

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I turned it inward onto myself.

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Because if they thought that there

was something wrong with those other

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people, then I thought that they must

think those same things about me.

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My grandmother telling me to stop frowning

when I was just focused on something Being

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told to stand up straight so my stomach

didn't pooch and I didn't look fat.

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Being told that I should be part

of a certain group of people, and

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when I didn't pledge a sorority, my

grandmother wondered if, how would

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I even make friends in college?

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She even had the audacity to tell

me that if I got a pink sweater,

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maybe people would like me better.

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I loved my grandmother, but her

criticism really, really shaped

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a lot of how I felt about myself.

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She was also constantly on my

aunt's case to lose weight, and

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so I saw my aunt, who was heavier,

and I saw myself, and I thought,

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"There's something wrong with me."

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All of that criticism

became self-criticism.

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And when I did get in with a group

of popular kids, it was only for a

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little bit, and then they turned on

me at a slumber party, or they would

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betray me in some way, and each time

it became a further validation that

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there was something wrong with me.

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That I was not worthy,

that I was not acceptable.

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I did so much to try to feel

worthy, to prove my worth.

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I would work so hard to be

somebody that I wasn't, only to

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feel fake and still not accepted.

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So it was like this double rejection

from others and from myself.

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And as I got older, I decided I would

do some body image and self-image

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workbooks, and hoping that they would

help me learn how to love myself.

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I'll never forget being on vacation

and my mom saying, "Well, you don't

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have a negative body image, do you?

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You're so cute."

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I was 22.

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I didn't wanna be cute.

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So in addition to those self-image,

body image workbooks, I started

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to also read self-help books.

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I spent so many years trying

to find my people, trying to

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feel like I belonged somewhere.

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I would have friendships that would

fizzle or I would move to a new city

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or something would change and I always

kept coming back to the same idea,

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that there was something wrong with me.

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Either there was something wrong

with my personality or that it was

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something with the way I looked

or that I wasn't warm enough.

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When I was knitting, I would

knit things for people.

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I would knit socks and blankets and

sweaters for their babies, hoping that

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that would help them like me more.

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I was an over-giver because I felt

like I needed to earn their love and

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acceptance, and it was exhausting.

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And then I met my husband.

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And for the first time in

my life, I didn't feel like

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I needed to prove anything.

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I didn't have to do

anything to win his love.

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I had never felt that before and

it was so comforting, but it was

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also unsettling at the same time.

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I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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I was waiting for something

to happen, and it didn't.

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Four months after we met, he said we

should get married, and I had been through

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a horrible breakup three years before.

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I was not ready to commit to anything

long term, so I told him I didn't

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feel like I knew him well enough.

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And then three months later, he

asked me again, and I said yes.

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But even after moving in together,

the wedding, moving to another city a

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year later f- for graduate school, the

crazy thing is, is I still felt loved.

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It was a really strange sensation for me.

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But the hard thing was

I didn't love myself.

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I was my own worst critic.

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If my pants were too tight,

it was another reason that I

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and my body were unacceptable.

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When I didn't get into library school

on the first two tries, I found

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so many things wrong with myself.

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I didn't take it as that there were others

who were a better fit for the program.

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I took it as a personal rejection,

that there were things about me as

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a person that were so unacceptable

that they did not want me.

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What I did not know at the time

that I know now is that for me,

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the right timing is everything.

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The right things in my life

happen at the right time.

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It's actually a significant

part of my human design.

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But I didn't know that yet.

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After that second rejection,

I worked so hard to prove I

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was worthy enough to get in.

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I applied again, and still I

had that chip on my shoulder

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that I needed to prove my worth

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I also, in this, all of this, became

a master at deflecting compliments.

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Someone would say, "Erica,

I love your dress."

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And I would say, "Oh, thanks.

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I got it on sale.

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It was at Target."

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Instead of just saying, "Thank you."

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Every day I found myself

comparing myself to others.

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Someone was always thinner.

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Someone was always more attractive.

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They were less scattered.

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They had a better job.

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They made more money.

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It got so bad that I didn't even believe

my husband when he told me I looked good.

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I would think he was saying

it because he felt he needed

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to, not because it was true.

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The only thing I felt that I had

that was good enough was my husband.

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He was, and still is, amazing!

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And almost every time I saw my mom after

we moved back to the same city, she

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would say, "It looks like you've lost

weight," as if that was a compliment,

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and much of the time I had not.

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And when I hadn't, it

started to make me sad.

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Was I not okay if I gained weight?

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Was I no longer worthy of love?

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I remember my mom buying me a dress

as a teenager that was a size too

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small because it was an incentive

for me to work out that summer.

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The store didn't have my size,

so we bought the smaller dress.

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I did not lose the weight, but

I still somehow managed to fit

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into the dress at a later time

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And when it did, when I tried it

on, it did not look right on me.

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It was the wrong dress for my body.

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So that was the first 40 years of my

life, and something started to shift

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around the time my daughter was born.

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She was born shortly before my

40th birthday, but I remember being

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with the women in my family, and I

noticed how much criticism was just

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a natural part of our conversations.

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I had learned to be

self-critical from the best.

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But that day, as I was holding

my daughter and they were

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talking, something came up in me.

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I never, ever wanted my daughter to feel

the way I felt when I was growing up.

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And I decided from that day on, I made

it a point that I would never comment

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on her body's shape or her size.

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I would compliment her on what she's

done, hitting that ball out into the

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outfield, running fast, conquering

the monkey bars when she was five.

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And not once have I heard her criticize

her body, except for she's noticed some

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freckles popping up on her cheeks this

summer, and she's frustrated with her

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hair being a little frizzy on humid days.

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But it's not this personal

attack that I know so well.

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It's like a, a situation.

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I'll never forget when I had finally

had enough from my mom hearing that

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it looks like I have lost weight.

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We were at the Grand Canyon.

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My daughter was sitting

at that table with us.

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We were all on vacation, and I said to my

mom, point-blank, "Please don't comment

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on my weight, whether it's good or bad.

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You can say I look strong, but I don't

want you to comment on my weight again."

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That was eight years ago, and

there's only once that she has

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slipped, and she caught herself.

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And I love my mother dearly,

but this is one of the things

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we have worked on for years.

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And a few years ago, my daughter asked

me on the ride home from my parents'

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house, she asked me what skinny meant.

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She said, "Grandma and Aunt said

that I'm so lucky I'm skinny.

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What does that mean, Mom?"

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I explained to her what skinny

was, but she was so confused.

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Why did her size make her lucky?

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No matter how much we talked it

through, she still couldn't understand

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why her size made her lucky.

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And I had to ask my mom and my sister to

please not tell my daughter she's skinny

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or to not comment on her body again.

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It has become my mission as a mom for my

daughter to not have external critics that

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are so strongly shaping her inner voice.

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And I know that those inner

voices are gonna come f- up for

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her as she enters her teen years.

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But I don't want those voices to come

from people who love her because body

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criticism done in the name of love

is never, ever internalized that way.

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For me, it has always landed

as a flaw that I needed to fix.

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And that spiral, when I get in

it, can get very, very dark.

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So why the Summer of Self-Love?

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Why am I taking it beyond Michelle's

comment on a client panel?

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Human Design has been a huge part of

helping me heal things around self-love.

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I felt like there was something wrong with

me and my body for my, most of my life.

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And Human Design has helped me

understand that I am perfectly designed.

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And then about six months ago,

I had this huge aha moment.

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I was studying my Human Design

for a recent certification, and

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I was learning about two areas

of the chart called the nodes.

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When you look at the chart, they look

like little horseshoes on the sides, and

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they mark the points in the sky where

the sun and the moon's orbits intersect.

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They're actually where

the eclipses happen.

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The bottom one is the south node, and that

represents the themes and the environment

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that shape the first half of your life.

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The top one, the north node, reveals what

you're moving into in the second half.

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And when I read mine, I had chills.

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My South Node is in Gate 15,

which is the Gate of Extremes,

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and I learned through extremes.

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It's all about embracing variety and a

full spectrum of what life has to offer.

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But on the shadow side, or the challenge

side, it carries a restlessness and

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a self-doubt when you feel pressured

to maintain the same routines as

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everyone else, feeling incompetent

for not f- keeping the same schedule.

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And for me, it also created this intense

way of seeing things in extremes.

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I was either not good

enough, or I was too much.

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It carries a lot of shame about being

different, and I felt like a lot

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of times I was too weird, or like

I didn't belong, and it didn't feel

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safe in my family to be my true self.

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My uniqueness was only okay if it fit

into a box that I was expected to be in.

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And then the real aha moment for me

was when I heard about my North Node.

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The North Node reveals what we're moving

into in the second half of our lives,

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what we're meant to see, what we're meant

to be surrounded by, and mine is in the

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Gate of Self-Love, which for those of

you who know Human Design, is Gate 10.

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And when I read that, I had chills.

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The first part of my life was in

the Gate of Extremes, and the second

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part is in the Gate of Self-Love.

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And the more I read about it, the

more it made sense about what I'm

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here to do and who I am here to be.

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Not just embodying and in loving

myself, but helping others see

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how they can love themselves, too.

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And I started to see it play out in

real life, in making sure my daughter

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doesn't feel criticized the way I did.

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In taking steps to reframe things

for myself, in starting to use

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Human Design as a way to love myself

rather than a reason to fix myself.

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And then I heard Michelle on that

client panel in May say human

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design helped her love herself, and

it was a huge aha moment for me.

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Like, like I said earlier, I had some

really ugly, full-on crying tears

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because I had experienced that too.

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And then the next morning I

was meditating, and I heard it,

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the summer of self-love, and it

could not be more appropriate.

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I don't have this all figured out,

but I knew if I needed this reminder

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for myself, that there are others

who need it for themselves, too.

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That loud inner critic, the one who was

so quick to comment when something doesn't

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go great, she's actually started to mellow

out as I've learned my human design.

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And a lot of times now it's turned

into a recognition of where this is

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a challenge that's showing up for me.

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When I want things to move faster,

it's a reminder that, that things are

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actually moving at the right pace.

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My life's work is about divine

timing, and when I push to make

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things happen, they don't work out.

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I need to be patient.

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Human design has helped

me reframe so many things.

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Giving myself grace, knowing that

when I try to figure things out

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in my head, it just turns into

overthinking and ruminating.

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It's given me so much

of an, "Oh, that's why."

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And instead of getting so deep in

my head that I'm failing or that

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I'm a bad person, it makes me pause.

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Because I've seen it in various

places that no matter how much

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you try to beat yourself up, this

is not a motivator for challenge.

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That loud inner roommate still shows up.

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She's a lot less angry right now, and she

isn't blaming or mean like she used to be.

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I think some of it is also reflecting

back on how much time and energy

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I spent beating myself up, and

all it got me was miserable.

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Burnout four years ago was

a huge wake-up call for me.

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I know my time is finite.

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Being critical doesn't get me anywhere,

and I've started asking myself,

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"What would it look like to shift the

thoughts to a more loving stance?"

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Others have said to talk to yourself

the way that you talk to your best

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friend, and for me, the question became,

"Would I say this to my daughter?"

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That's been a huge shift for me.

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Now, do I still have negative

thoughts about my body?

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Yes, of course I do.

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I'm a woman.

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I grew up with a healthy amount of

conditioning, as do many women my age.

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I mean, I just saw a headline

the other day that said, "Super

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skinny is back with the rise of

Ozempic and weight loss drugs."

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And social media makes it so easy to go

down the path of beating yourself up.

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So this is the story behind

the Summer of Self-Love.

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It's not because it's a feel-good thing.

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It's because I know I am not alone

in this struggle to love myself.

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It's a constant reminder.

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It's constant work to not repeat the

patterns of the past in my family

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so that my daughter grows up feeling

good about herself, knowing that she

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is strong and capable and smart and

beautiful, and that no one, no one needs

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to comment on her body or make her feel

like she is anything that less than.

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I'm so excited to share the stories

of midlife women this summer with you.

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We're gonna hear about their journey

through individual profiles, in

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Substack lives, and in articles

throughout this whole season.

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I can't wait for you to meet them.

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I am getting them, and I am just

so amazed at their beauty, and

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I'm so touched by their stories.

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If this episode resonated with

you, I would be so grateful if you

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click the plus sign to subscribe

and share it with a friend.

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You can also find me on Substack, where

I publish articles, host workshops, and

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share about human design and midlife.

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Thanks for joining me.

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Be well