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Today’s story is “A Gnollble Quest” by Lappi T. Fox and Geo Holms, who are a bardic fox and mischievous raccoon, respectively, both who get into quirky transformation hijinx and occasional collaborative writing works. Their stories, collaborative and otherwise, can be found on their respective FurAffinity pages at LappiFox and GeoHolms.
Read by Solomon Harries, the Cuddly Badger Dad
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/a-gnollble-quest-by-lappi-t-fox-and-geo-holms
Transcripts
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:This is Rob MacWolf,
Speaker:your fellow traveler,
Speaker:and Today’s story is
Speaker:“A Gnollble Quest” by Lappi T. Fox and Geo Holms, who are
Speaker:a bardic fox and mischievous raccoon, respectively,
Speaker:both who get into quirky transformation hijinx and occasional
Speaker:collaborative writing works.
Speaker:Their stories, collaborative and otherwise,
Speaker:can be found on their respective FurAffinity pages
Speaker:at LappiFox and GeoHolms.
Speaker:Read by Solomon Harries,
Speaker:the Cuddly Badger Dad
Speaker:Please enjoy “A Gnollble Quest”
Speaker:by Lappi T. Fox and Geo Holms
Speaker:Hoofbeats echoed through the trees as the knight rode swiftly through the forest.
Speaker:Sir Arthur was tasked with a crusade that would bring honor to the whole kingdom.
Speaker:The nefarious scoundrel Winfrey had stolen some of the sacred scrolls of laws that bound the realm from falling into chaos,
Speaker:so it was the knight’s job to bring her to justice.
Speaker:Doing so would earn him the king's favor,
Speaker:and would allow him to take on more duties in service of his royal highness.
Speaker:But in order to do that, he would have to consult the reclusive wizard
Speaker:who lived deep within the enchanted glade.
Speaker:He’d heard tell of the wizard’s wisdom in all matters.
Speaker:To gain the wizard’s insight,
Speaker:one only needed to be pure of heart and ask the right questions.
Speaker:Or so the legends told.
Speaker:He followed the instructions of the faded scroll to the letter:
Speaker:whisper into the brightest daffodil, sample a mint’s morning dew,
Speaker:scruffle the trunk of the oldest oak,
Speaker:before taking the path of good intentions about two leagues south,
Speaker:taking a left at the statue of an ambiguous beast,
Speaker:then seeking the number.
Speaker:Upon reaching the end of the long and winding road,
Speaker:the knight came upon what appeared to be the largest tree he’d ever seen.
Speaker:Nestled within a small clearing,
Speaker:the tree had a trunk as wide as a castle turret and taller than the biggest giants of the north.
Speaker:Etched into the bark just above eye level
Speaker:was the number “24.”
Speaker:Dismounting from the horse,
Speaker:the knight cautiously approached the tree,
Speaker:when a booming voice came forth:
Speaker:“STATE YOUR BUSINESS.”
Speaker:“I am Sir Arthur! I seek counsel from the powerful wizard that dwells here!”
Speaker:“DID YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?”
Speaker:“…no?” The voice sighed.
Speaker:“TAKE A NUMBER AND A REPRESENTATIVE WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY.”
Speaker:Sir Arthur blinked and looked about.
Speaker:He noticed a small unassuming contraption standing nearby,
Speaker:a slip of parchment sticking out of it,
Speaker:emblazoned with bright ruby ink.
Speaker:The knight cautiously took the parchment,
Speaker:which slipped out easily,
Speaker:revealing the number 30 printed upon it.
Speaker:Upon taking the number,
Speaker:a section of the bark began to glow brightly,
Speaker:before fading, revealing a hitherto hidden entrance into the tree.
Speaker:The knight took a deep breath
Speaker:and entered the tree.
Speaker:Arthur had seen nothing like it before.
Speaker:A large room full of hard chairs,
Speaker:with a table in the middle covered with strange, thin books of some kind,
Speaker:and the beige walls decorated with the strangest tapestries he’d ever seen,
Speaker:painted images of species paired with words.
Speaker:Whether the words were spells, riddles, or general phrases of wisdom,
Speaker:Arthur’s perception did not roll high enough in the moment.
Speaker:In the corner of the room at a desk sat a rodential creature,
Speaker:working on some kind of mechanical device that translated button presses into text on a page.
Speaker:Emblazoned on her shirt was the name Cynthia.
Speaker:Something about the creature struck the knight as possessing some matter of authority in this domain.
Speaker:Strange, for such a diminutive species.
Speaker:He stepped over to the desk with purpose.
Speaker:Before he could inquire, a slight ding sounded from the device.
Speaker:The rat creature lifted some shiny metal tube and spoke into it. “WILL NUMBER 25 PLEASE PROCEED THROUGH PORTAL 2”
Speaker:said the voice Arthur had heard outside.
Speaker:After completing the announcement, she looked up at Arthur
Speaker:looming over her desk.
Speaker:“Hello, sir-” “Sir Arthur!
Speaker:I’ve come a great distance and faced trial and tribulation in my journey to arrive here!
Speaker:I must beseech thee to have audience with-”
Speaker:“Do you have a number, sir?”
Speaker:Cynthia asked, with her own steadfast purpose,
Speaker:unmoved by the knight’s attempted declaration, which caught the knight off guard.
Speaker:He blustered a moment before saying, “...
Speaker:“...yes.” “Very good, sir.
Speaker:Now, if you will please take a seat and listen.
Speaker:When your number is called, you will proceed to the stated portal.”
Speaker:“But I-” The rat focused her attention back onto the device
Speaker:and started clicking away at its strange button array.
Speaker:Taking a seat, Arthur noticed some of the other beings who followed the path from throughout the land.
Speaker:An orc seemingly nursing a tuskache.
Speaker:An elf with a fish of some kind caught on the tip of their pointy ear.
Speaker:Two halflings arguing while a respective finger each was caught in a strange tube-like trap.
Speaker:A kobold holding a small golden statue depicting a dragon,
Speaker:giving it caring rubs.
Speaker:After a short time, the knight glancing between the respective creatures and Cynthia,
Speaker:Arthur slipped back up to the desk,
Speaker:clearing his throat multiple times before the rat paused using her device and looked up at him.
Speaker:Arthur leaned forward,
Speaker:lowering his voice to an authoritative whisper.
Speaker:"Are you aware, miss,
Speaker:that there are fearful creatures in your midst?"
Speaker:Cynthia’s expression gained a very cold edge,
Speaker:which she kept focused on Arthur until the knight gave a nervous gulp and retreated.
Speaker:Obviously, he had underestimated the rat’s advantage in this strange realm.
Speaker:From merely that look, she had solidified her power
Speaker:and Arthur couldn’t help feeling guilty for even bringing up what he’d thought had been an acute knightly observation
Speaker:of the room’s occupants.
Speaker:The knight sighed as he sat back down,
Speaker:adjusting himself,
Speaker:his armor clanking.
Speaker:The sounds of Cynthia's device returned,
Speaker:signaling she had turned her cold focus off the knight.
Speaker:His attention wandered from his noble quest long enough to notice one of the strange tapestries across from him.
Speaker:It consisted of a picture of a smiling hyena creature
Speaker:in leather armor giving a thumbs up and winking at the viewer,
Speaker:clearly very amused at whatever they were doing when this was painted.
Speaker:The caption below the creature read:
Speaker:“GNOLL YOURSELF: Be the hyena you want to see in the world.”
Speaker:Arthur grumbled. What self-respecting wizard would have a tapestry centered around gnolls?
Speaker:In fact, the nefarious scoundrel Winfrey hired gnolls to do her dark bidding.
Speaker:Flea-bitten dumb brutes, the lot of them.
Speaker:Once Arthur possessed the wizard’s insights, he’d send those gnolls running back into the pit from whence they came, tails between their legs.
Speaker:Arthur chuckled at the thought.
Speaker:He refocused his attention back on his quest.
Speaker:His attention wandered back to the tapestry a short time later.
Speaker:What even was the tapestry's intent?
Speaker:Did gnolls wander through here frequently enough to require such an item of motivational intent?
Speaker:Arthur hadn’t noticed his armor getting tighter.
Speaker:“NUMBER 26!” As the orc wandered over to a portal and disappeared through its glimmering horizon,
Speaker:Arthur remained staring at the tapestry.
Speaker:From his point of view,
Speaker:the gnoll’s dopey smile was seemingly mocking him. What did “gnoll yourself” even mean, anyway?
Speaker:What would a gnoll even get from that phrase?
Speaker:Did a gnoll do anything besides be a dumb gnoll?
Speaker:Arthur suspected he might be giving this tapestry more thought than intended.
Speaker:What good did thinking too much about anything do anyway?
Speaker:Much better to just sniff at stuff to investigate,
Speaker:then claw on or bite on or mark territory on as necessary.
Speaker:Something about this conclusion struck Arthur as odd,
Speaker:however, he couldn’t quite figure why.
Speaker:He scratched at his neck,
Speaker:his fingernails having shifted to claws making this action all the more satisfying.
Speaker:His new claws deep into the fur pelt that spread across his neck.
Speaker:He smelled something odd coming from the corner of the room,
Speaker:as a strange machine filled a pot with a murky brown substance.
Speaker:What fanciful machines this wizard had made.
Speaker:Arthur’s nose seemed to jump off his face at the smell of this
Speaker:“dee-calf.” And with a wide toothy smile, he thought about what other things might smell nice once he got past the portal. “27!” He needed to refocus on his mission.
Speaker:Arthur shook himself,
Speaker:a mane of scruffy fur floofing out the back of his head and down his neck,
Speaker:causing his helmet to fit weirdly on his head.
Speaker:The mission. The mission. Yeah. Something with a mission.
Speaker:About that Winny person.
Speaker:Yes! Of course. Going to ask the wizard about
Speaker:the best way to…bite…the Winny person.
Speaker:A brushy tail snaked its way down Arthur’s mail,
Speaker:swishing as he thought about all the ways he could bite!
Speaker:Wait… Bite and claw!
Speaker:“28! 28 please!”
Speaker:Arthur tapped his claws on the pommel of his sword.
Speaker:Sword? Why did he need a sword when he had stuff like jaws and claws?
Speaker:He pulled the sword out from its scabbard,
Speaker:giving it a curious look.
Speaker:The blade was polished and shiny,
Speaker:so that when Arthur looked into the metal, he saw his face reflected back.
Speaker:In time to see eyes shifting to an ocher color,
Speaker:along with the other gnollifying features.
Speaker:“Gah!” He shout/growl/yelped,
Speaker:temporarily causing Cynthia to look up and give him a shushing finger motion.
Speaker:He attempted to calm himself,
Speaker:giving his reflection a closer look,
Speaker:adjusting the sword’s angle.
Speaker:This couldn't be real. An illusion maybe?
Speaker:His nose had become wide and black on top of a long broad snout,
Speaker:he pulled off his helmet to reveal waggling rounded ears.
Speaker:And his whole head was on top of a very long neck.
Speaker:Bits of his armor popped off when he tried to move,
Speaker:his arms puffed out and swelled with muscle,
Speaker:breaking open the now comparatively tiny steel tubes,
Speaker:and his breastplate landed with a clang when he turned to look back at the odd tapestry,
Speaker:the depicted gnoll still smiling with the thumbs up,
Speaker:as if approving of Arthur's now exposed fluffy belly.
Speaker:He was a monster,
Speaker:he was a brute, he was…
Speaker:handsome? Arthur struggled to get his mind to accept he was a monstrous beast.
Speaker:Cursed into a strange new form!
Speaker:It kept shifting his opinion of himself,
Speaker:insisting he was a fine looking gnoll.
Speaker:Properly intimidating and scruffy and strong and…he
Speaker:needed to get himself together.
Speaker:He was a gnoll, not a gnoll.
Speaker:No, no, wait, he was absolutely a gnoll.
Speaker:Come on, he needed to get past this enchantment, was a gn-gn-a, a hu- “29! 29 please proceed to the portal.”
Speaker:Distracted from his internal conflicts by the announcement
Speaker:his attention fell back upon the tapestry.
Speaker:Gnoll Yourself.
Speaker:Something something.
Speaker:The words kinda muddled after that point.
Speaker:The painted image of the smiling gnoll did relax Arthur.
Speaker:He just needed to be a gnoll.
Speaker:Yep. Gnoll himself.
Speaker:Whatever that meant.
Speaker:He did like the vibe of the tapestry. Made him
Speaker:feel all warm and fuzzy and ready to bite and tear into stuff. “30!”
Speaker:“Thur-dy?” he said,
Speaker:making some gestures with his paw as if attempting to count,
Speaker:before coming to the exclamation,
Speaker:“That me!” Brushing past what appeared to be a rogue arguing with Cynthia about the wait time,
Speaker:Arthur stumbled towards the portal.
Speaker:Further armor pieces began falling off, and with his legs far thicker than he was used to,
Speaker:Arthur tripped, falling head first through the portal.
Speaker:He tumbled through the ether for what felt like an eon,
Speaker:long enough for perception of up and down and reality to grow fuzzy,
Speaker:before suddenly landing in a room,
Speaker:somehow standing.
Speaker:A man with glasses and a combed white mustache sat behind a desk.
Speaker:Was this the wizard he’d been seeking on his epic quest that turned out was actually more like faffing away an afternoon?
Speaker:“My, what a handsome young gnoll in my office today!
Speaker:How can I help you Mr…”
Speaker:“Ur…thurr? Urrthurr! Urrthurr!” Dang it, Arthur,
Speaker:why couldn’t he say Arthur!
Speaker:The trip through the portal had recentered his resolve.
Speaker:He was a knight! And though he was a gnoll now, he wasn’t supposed to be a gnoll!
Speaker:And though he couldn’t quite put a claw on what he was supposed to be besides a gnoll knight,
Speaker:he knew this wizard would know something was wrong and be able to help him.
Speaker:He was certain of it.
Speaker:He felt a buzz of happiness from this conclusion.
Speaker:“Wow, Urrthurr, from the wag of your tail,
Speaker:I can tell you’re really pleased to meet me,
Speaker:I’m the wizard you’ve been seeking, you can call me Feeny!”
Speaker:Thrown off at the wizard's nonchalant reaction to his now monstrous gnoll form,
Speaker:Arthur was shocked into silence, allowing the wizard to ramble.
Speaker:“Are you amazed by the whimsical devices I keep around here?
Speaker:I gazed into the future one day and what I saw astounded me!
Speaker:Yes, they really know how to do things in the far off year of 1997!”
Speaker:Arthur tried to articulate the nature of strange situation he found himself in,
Speaker:but speaking with this big snout and teeth was proving incredibly difficult. “Sum-thing’s… wrong.” "Definitely
Speaker:something wrong here. That armor!
Speaker:Terrible fit. Scavenge that off a troublesome knight?
Speaker:No problem if you did. This is a judgment free zone, and between you and me,
Speaker:I feel as if knights can tend to get a little high and mighty and full of themselves.”
Speaker:After he said this, Arthur could swear he heard the laughter of a group of people nearby.
Speaker:The wizard seemed to notice this too.
Speaker:“Ah, don’t mind that.
Speaker:I can go ahead and turn that off temporarily so we can focus on you.”
Speaker:Feeny picked up and closed an open can on his desk,
Speaker:cutting off the lingering chortles.
Speaker:“Anyway, I’ve gotten off thread, let's see here.”
Speaker:The wizard took out a wand.
Speaker:“We can get that armor fixed up here with a tailoring metalwork spell just for this occasion.
Speaker:Thinking we'll make it a bit looser for proper mobility and think a loincloth arrangement might work better, right?"
Speaker:As Feeny twirled the wand about in Arthur’s general direction,
Speaker:the metal that made up the gnoll knight’s remaining armor seemed to liquify.
Speaker:No longer held back by their iron dam, his muscles and gut popped free as the mercurial substance traveled up to his shoulders,
Speaker:forming guards to keep any pointy objects away from his arms and neck.
Speaker:His undergarments seemed to shift too, becoming looser and looser.
Speaker:What was once a pair of braies unfurled into a simple loincloth.
Speaker:Arthur wondered if gnolls could blush, and if anyone could see it.
Speaker:“There we go, Urrthurr.
Speaker:Is that better?” “Urm…”
Speaker:Arthur started, still collecting himself from the sudden refitting,
Speaker:it all highlighting the new body he found himself in.
Speaker:“I’m sure you didn’t come here merely for armor refitting.
Speaker:I’m sure you want the full rundown, checkup included.”
Speaker:“I… am Gnoll, not gud!”
Speaker:he exclaimed, frustrated at the linguistic eccentricities that came with this new-fanged-led maw.
Speaker:“Nonsense, you’re a great gnoll!” the wizard exclaimed back,
Speaker:“Didn’t you see the poster in the waiting room?
Speaker:The gnollivational poster, if you will.”
Speaker:A quiet laugh filtered into the room.
Speaker:Feeny picked up and tightened the can.
Speaker:The wizard magicked up a large comfy couch, then knocked Arthur off his feet and onto his back onto said couch.
Speaker:Feeny walked around the desk, over to the gnoll to give a closer look,
Speaker:moving his wand about, tapping parts of Arthur, as if checking out stuff rather than casting a spell.
Speaker:“Let’s see here… Big, check. Furry, yep. Breath…
Speaker:stinky. Yep! Tail, responsive.
Speaker:Don’t think we need to do temperature for now.
Speaker:Seems you’re in perfect health for a gnoll your age!”
Speaker:the wizard bounced about,
Speaker:literally going over Arthur’s fur with a fine-toothed comb which he’d conjured up.
Speaker:“Honestly, you’re one of the best gnolls I've examined in a while,
Speaker:you’ll do your clan proud!”
Speaker:The words seemed to cut through all of Arthur’s thoughts and fears,
Speaker:down to a part of his mind he didn’t tread often.
Speaker:He had always thought of himself as a valiant knight,
Speaker:but something about the good wizard’s words brought a wag to his tail.
Speaker:A rush of pride at bringing honor to his clan.
Speaker:Even if he couldn’t quite recall his clan.
Speaker:No, wait, he didn’t have a clan. Right? What would a gnoll be without a clan?
Speaker:Something about this wizard’s words paired with his gnollness seemed to be obscuring everything that had previously been clear in his mind.
Speaker:He had felt a sense of duty before,
Speaker:but what use was duty to a gnoll?
Speaker:He felt certain things begin to slip away.
Speaker:His training as a squire began to feel like a distant dream.
Speaker:Language was even harder to remember.
Speaker:Words and thoughts too hard to pronounce with a snout floated away.
Speaker:Even his name, what was it?
Speaker:Arthur… Arthurr… Urthurr…
Speaker:Urrthurr. Rolled off the tongue better that. Urrthur. The wizard seemed to be studying closely,
Speaker:making the occasional scribble in a conjured notepad. “Urrthur? You seem to be thinking hard about something.
Speaker:Must be careful with such things, my good gnoll, will give yourself a headache.
Speaker:Anything else I can assist with?” “Qwest! I had qwest!”
Speaker:he barked, thinking, remembering
Speaker:something about a mean human with a shiny cap saying something about
Speaker:a quest for honor and
Speaker:king, but the particulars escaping him.
Speaker:“Oh, you need something to do!”
Speaker:Feeny said, pulling out a scroll from some nook,
Speaker:“Well I know that there are many people hiring strapping young gnolls like you!” Urrthurr’s ears perked.
Speaker:“Ah, this Ms. Winfrey.
Speaker:Seemed to be a good sort.”
Speaker:Inquiring growl. “Yes. Has a liking to gnolls and treats them well.
Speaker:Full benefits. Dental. Health. Plus non-necromantic resurrections,
Speaker:which are hard to come by in the dark magic sectors.
Speaker:And full carrion rights for any carrion run across during the course of the job.
Speaker:job.” Just kept sounding better and better.
Speaker:He leaned forward.
Speaker:Interested growl.
Speaker:“Here’s what I can do for you.
Speaker:That portal you came through can go wherever I desire,
Speaker:so I’ll write a letter of recommendation and send it along with you right into Winfrey’s ranks.
Speaker:I’m sure you’ll fit right in!”
Speaker:Heck yeah, sounded like a great idea.
Speaker:Excited growl! “I can tell how happy you are!
Speaker:What a good day this was, a new job, a clean bill of health,
Speaker:lots of potential new friends in a new clan.
Speaker:Plus, that meanie king was going to get what’s coming to him.
Speaker:Look out world, here came Urrthurr!
Speaker:With that the gnoll knight tramped through the portal into the new adventure.
Speaker:“What a good kid,” the wizard thought, sitting back at his desk chair. Something did puzzle him though. Ever since putting up
Speaker:that motivational poster,
Speaker:they’d been a notable uptick in gnoll patients.
Speaker:Did he get the enchantment wrong?
Speaker:All the visiting hyenas seemed to need a confidence boost due to their positions as minions in this reality,
Speaker:so he thought it was a good idea to get gnolls who came to think better of themselves.
Speaker:Since he’d put the enchantments in the poster, there’d been more gnolls,
Speaker:perhaps more listless and confused than before.
Speaker:Could it be, perhaps, he'd configured the enchantment wrong?
Speaker:Did it make everyone who gazed at the poster think of themselves as better gnolls, no matter their respective species?
Speaker:Motivational magic results seemed to be a bit fiddly around the edges at times.
Speaker:Magical motivation tended to be, well, motivated to make those it tried to “fix” fit the parameters of the magic cast.
Speaker:He rubbed his mustache in thought, considering this possiblity.
Speaker:Feeny wasn’t a wizard who minded having more gnoll patients either.
Speaker:They were easier to diagnose, more appreciative, and, at least in the wizard’s esteemed option, cuter than the average patient.
Speaker:Did he really want less gnolls to visit him? Eh,
Speaker:he’d have to ask Cynthia if she saw anything out of the ordinary at some point.
Speaker:In the meantime, another gnoll dressed in an ill-fitting thief’s outfit came tumbling out of the portal,
Speaker:looking confusedly at their giant paws.
Speaker:Seems like it’s going to be a busy day for motivatiognoll speaking!
Speaker:This was “A Gnollble Quest”
Speaker:by Lappi T. Fox and Geo Holms, read for you by Solomon Harries, the Cuddly Badger Dad.. You can find more
Speaker:stories on the web at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:Thank you for listening
Speaker:to The Voice of Dog.