For Dr. Emily, a difficult realization of adulthood was that every decision we make means having to grieve the loss of every decision we can no longer make as a result. In this Emotional Push-Up, Shoshana Berger, global editorial director at the design firm IDEO, joins Dr. Emily to talk about how growth and grief are intertwined and how learning to grieve is an important skill for ongoing emotional health.

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Ready to break an emotional sweat? Welcome to Emotionally Fit with me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. As a therapist, I know that staying mentally healthy takes work and repetition. That's why I'll share Emotional Push-Ups, short, actionable exercises to help you strengthen your mental fitness. From improving your friendships to managing stress, let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

Hey there, Fit fans! I'm here today with Shoshana Berger, global editorial director at IDEO. Shoshana, it's so great to have you here today.

It's great to be with you, Emily. Thanks for having me.

Today we're going to be talking about the importance of everyday grief. When I've been thinking about grief lately, I think when you say grief, often what comes up is the feelings we have about things we've had and lost. But also I think about grief for the things that we'll never have. I know for me, one of my really difficult but important realizations in adulthood has been the idea that there aren't actually right or wrong choices to make most of the time. There's just these different paths that we can take, which means that every single choice we make actually requires us to grieve the loss of every single choice that we can no longer make as a result. So in this way, growth and grief are super intertwined, and learning how to grieve is this hugely important skill for ongoing emotional health. I'm curious about your thoughts on this idea of grieving the things that we didn't have, that we didn't choose.

I love that insight. Every moment presents a possible future to us, and we're constantly making decisions about what we'll do and where we'll go and how we'll respond. And there is a moment of grief when you're in transition where you have to say, I am deciding not to make that choice, and I have to let that go. So there's a feeling of being in this liminal space between things. I am leaving a possible future behind and I'm stepping into something new.

And it's actually almost a moment of identity formation where you're deciding this is more me, and this is less me. That's what that choice means. I think about this all the time on the organizational level as leaders, how we to strategically decide we are going to be this and not that. And then we have to convince everyone at the company that our vision is the right one to pursue. And as individuals, we're doing this constantly and we don't acknowledge it. So I think that's really a beautiful insight that there are these micro moments where we have to let things go and step into something new with confidence. And that is a bit of a moment of grief.

Oh, I love the way you put it around identity formation, because it's true in every moment we are becoming, and it's complicated because for those of us who weren't really taught how to grieve, which I think is most of us, it's not really modeled super well, we don't really know what that means necessarily. What does it look like to allow yourself that grief? And what I have found is the more I do let myself feel things about whatever I'm moving away from, the more authentically I can step toward the things I am choosing.

So that ties into our push up today, which is about practicing this everyday grief. So step one of this push up Shoshana is to think of one small loss that you've had in the past few weeks, and maybe we can focus on the loss of something that was necessary to lose in order to move toward whatever you did feel was more you.

So maybe you had to say no to something you really wanted to say yes to because there was something else that you wanted to say yes to a little more. Or maybe you had to pass up an opportunity because you didn't have time for everything, and you had to make a choice. Or maybe it was even out of your hands, an event you were excited about got canceled, and you had to move forward without a thing that you thought you really wanted to do or that you intended to do. So for those listening in, feel free to press pause while you think of your example or listen on to hear what Shoshana chose.

So Shoshana, what is a small loss that you might use for this push up?

This is going to sound funny, Emily, but this is actually both a loss and a game. So a friend of mine decided her husband was out of town and she decided she was going to throw a spontaneous party and have all of her girlfriends over. I was just coming back from three days with my team on an offsite. I was completely exhausted and running on gas fumes, but I knew that it was really important for me to show up for this friend. And so I had to make a decision in that moment. I am going to put my friends' needs and the value of this friendship above my own personal needs, and I'm going to show up. I know I'm depleted, but this is important to me.

And I showed up in a way that was not necessarily my best self. I showed up in a way where I was depleted. I didn't have a lot to give to people. I didn't feel like I could really engage with people the way I usually do. And so I just had to kind of accept that I was in a state of not being my best self. And then I had a moment at as I was about to leave, where people felt like they hadn't checked in with me and hadn't really heard from me during the party. And so in front of these 15 women, they were like, 'Shoshana, before you leave, give us the headline on how you are.' And I stood before them and I took the opportunity to be perfectly candid and admit that I am really not feeling like my best self, and I feel like I'm depleted and running on fumes and in a state of really searching for what's next for me. So the moment of grief was feeling like I am not taking care of myself in the way that I need to be in order to show up for people.

But then there was also an opportunity in that moment to just be honest about what is real and that to show up in whatever state you're in. And that moment of honesty created an openness and a space for all of those women to, I saw a lot of vigorous head nodding, and many of them opened up and said, "I've been feeling the exact same way. I would love to talk more about this. I feel like this is the state we're all in and we're not talking about it."

So there's something really beautiful in that moment where you're making a choice that feels important to you. And even if you feel like you're not showing up well, or there are things that you expect of yourself that you can't deliver and that's causing grief for you, how do you kind of think about reframing that moment as an opportunity to just connect with people on a deeper level, acknowledge what's real and show up in a different way?

I love this example so much because I think what it illustrates is exactly the deeper point I'm hoping to make here, which is that grief feels like this really shitty thing that we avoid. We know it's not going to feel good, so we don't do it. We turn away from it. But that actually grief is a process that clears space for the things that we do want. When we allow ourselves to feel through the things we no longer have or can't have, we are much more able to allow ourselves the things that we can have. So in facing that you weren't able to show up for your best self, you allowed yourself to show up as you were, which created opportunity for people to meet you there, which it sounds like is what you really needed.

And so that's really what I'm trying to get across here, is that in these moments that we turn away from our grief, we might actually be cheating ourselves out of a really beautiful opportunity to move toward the things that we want.

So to that end, step two of this pushup is to carve out a little bit of time, whether it's 10 dedicated minutes right now, or whether it's a half hour later, or whether it's a full day next week, whatever's possible, to feel into the loss, to allow yourself the grief. Perhaps you journal about it, or sit quietly, and think about it, or call up a friend and talk about it. But the goal is to feel the disappointment or sadness or anger or whatever it is that's true about your loss without telling yourself that the loss isn't big enough to deserve those emotions, which is one of the ways that we turn away from our grief. We tell ourselves that we don't deserve it, or that it's not fair to feel that way or whatever it might be. So Shoshana, I'm curious, what emotions come up for you around your example that you shared today?

I think for me, the biggest one is that we are social animals and we need people. And the more that we isolate in grief, the more trouble we get into. The more that we think that we are independent, this myth of autonomy, and that we can just exist on our own and take care of ourselves, and I think it's hurting us. And the more fractured we become in the internet era where we have these very flat social personas that seem like they're being open and honest and transparent, and that we're sharing our deepest thoughts, but actually there's a lot of social peacocking and not showing up in the place where you really are.

I think it just robs us of this exact opportunity that you were just so articulate about where we can actually make this a moment of connection and of just acknowledging the pain and grief that we're experiencing as humans right now and as a species right now. And getting to that place with people I think it just can be so healing and so nurturing. And again, we're hardwired to be in community and to be social creatures. We are not meant to live in isolation and to deal with these things on their own. And so I would just encourage people to remember that if you're feeling it, many people are feeling it, and it's an opportunity to seek people out and find your people.

Yeah, find your people. That's so important. And I think also just getting comfortable, putting a little time aside to feel into our genuine reactions about things. When we do that, we prevent ourselves from caring those emotions with us in every moment. One way I like to think about it is that our emotions prefer to be travelers than residents. And if we honor and acknowledge them, they're a lot more likely to pass through and move on. But when we ignore them and pretend they're not there, they stick around and they cause trouble until we do pay attention.

So I just so appreciate you flexing your feels and breaking an emotional sweat with us today, Shoshana. And for those listening in, if you want to hear more from Shoshana, join us for our Taboo Tuesday episode, which will air next week where we will talk about being intentional and proactive when it comes to thinking about our own death and the death of loved ones. So I will see you all there. And Shoshana, thank you so much for being here today.

Thanks [inaudible 00:11:42].

Thanks for listening to Emotionally Fit hosted by me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. New Push-Ups drop every Tuesday and Thursday. Did you do today's Push-Up alongside me and my guest? Tweet your experience with the hashtag #EmotionallyFit and follow me at @DrEmilyAnhalt. Please rate, review, follow and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts. This podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health, where you can take live, therapist-led classes online. From group sessions to therapist matchmaking, Coa will help you build your emotional fitness routine. Head to joincoa.com, that's join-c-o-a.com, to learn more. And follow us on Twitter and Instagram at @joinCoa. From StudioPod Media in San Francisco, our producer is Katie Sunku Wood. Music is by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!