Being the Last to Leave Didn’t Make Me Amazing: Boundaries I Wish I Set Earlier

In this episode of Counselor Chat, I’m continuing the series on things I wish I had done earlier in my school counseling career — and this one is all about boundaries.

For a long time, I thought staying late, saying yes, and being endlessly available meant I was dedicated. But looking back, I can see that being the last car in the parking lot didn’t make me a better counselor. It just made me tired.

In this episode, I’m sharing the boundaries I wish I had set earlier, including time boundaries, emotional boundaries, role boundaries, communication boundaries, and personal life boundaries. I also reflect on why school counselors often feel guilty setting limits — and why boundaries are actually what help us stay effective, compassionate, and sustainable in this work.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why overworking is not the same as being effective
• The difference between being dependable and being endlessly available
• Why school counselors need role clarity
• How guilt shows up when we start setting boundaries
• Simple scripts for saying no or pausing before saying yes
• Why leaving on time does not mean you care less
• How boundaries protect your energy, family, and long-term career

Takeaway:

You can care deeply about students and still have limits. Being a good counselor does not require burning yourself out.

Reflection question:

What would change if you believed you could be a good counselor without being endlessly available?

Grab the Show Notes: Counselingessentials.org/podcast

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You're listening to the Counselor Chat Podcast, a show for school counselors looking for easy to implement strategies, how to tips, collaboration, and a little spark of joy.

I'm Carol Miller, your host. I'm a full time school counselor and the face behind counseling Essentials. I'm all about creating simplified systems, data driven practices, and using creative approaches to engage students.

If you're looking for a little inspiration to help you make a big impact on student growth and success, you're in the right place. Because we're better together.

Ready to chat?

Let's dive in.

Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Counselor Chat.

I'm Carol, your host and today we're continuing this little summer series about things I had wished I had done earlier in my school counseling career.

And today we're talking about something I think so many school counselors struggle with,

and that's boundaries.

Or more accurately,

the boundaries I did not set,

or the boundaries I did not even realize I was allowed to set.

The boundaries I thought would make me seem less helpful, less committed,

less dedicated, or maybe even less amazing at my job.

And the title of this episode says it all.

Being the last to leave didn't make me more amazing.

Boundaries I wish I set earlier because, friends, let me tell you, for a long time I thought that being the person who stayed late meant something good about me.

I thought it meant I was dedicated and that it meant that I cared.

Or it meant that I was going above and beyond,

that I was a team player.

And maybe in some ways it did. But looking back,

I can also say this.

Being the last car in the parking lot every night did not make me a better counselor.

It made me tired.

And if I'm being really honest, it also taught other people that my time was endlessly available.

And that is a hard sentence to say out loud because I do not say it with blame.

I do not say it as if other people were bad for asking.

I say it because I did not understand that if I never communicated limits,

people would assume there were none.

And that's something I wish I had learned much earlier.

Now, before we go any further, let me say this.

Boundaries do not mean you don't care.

Boundaries do not mean you are lazy.

Boundaries do not mean you are difficult.

Boundaries do not mean you're not a team player.

Boundaries do not mean you're abandoning students or staff or families.

And boundaries mean you understand that your energy,

your time, your attention and your well being are not unlimited resources.

And if we are going to do this work for the long haul,

we have to stop pretending that they are.

Because school counseling is a lot of emotional,

heartfelt work.

It's problem solving work, it's crisis work,

it's classroom work,

it's family work, it's teacher support work, it's data work, paperwork work. And it's the kind of work where you can always do more.

I mean always.

There is always another student to check on. There's always another teacher to help.

There is always another parent email to answer or another lesson to improve,

or another group to plan,

another form to complete,

another crisis plan to revisit,

another referral, waiting five more kids to see.

Don't forget about them.

And this is the part that makes boundaries so hard because the work is never,

ever really done.

You don't finish school counseling the way you finish washing the dishes.

And honestly, even the dishes are questionable in my house.

But you know what I mean.

There is no moment where you get to say, okay, every student is emotionally regulated,

every conflict is resolved, every teacher feels supported, every family has what they need, and every piece of documentation is finished,

filed, and my inbox is empty because my friends, that moment,

it's not coming.

And because it's not common. We have to learn how to leave anyway.

We have to learn how to pause, we have to learn how to go home and just leave.

And we have to learn how to say, this matters and I'll come back to it tomorrow.

That took me a long time to learn.

I used to think if something was important,

I had to do it right now.

And if someone asked, I had to say yes.

And if a teen needed me, well, I was going to be there.

And if administrator had a request,

I was going to drop everything and I was going to figure it out right then and there.

Same with a teacher. They need support.

Drop everything,

I'm helping.

And also if a parent emailed,

I needed to respond quickly,

or if a student needed me,

I had to drop everything and be right there.

And again,

some of that comes from a really good place.

It comes from caring, it comes from wanting to help. And it comes from wanting students to be okay.

It comes from wanting people to know that they can count on you.

But there's a really big difference between being dependable and being endlessly available.

There's a big difference between being supportive and being self sacrificing.

And there's a difference between being committed and being consumed.

And I didn't always know the difference.

One of the stories that really stands out to me happened shortly after the birth of my first son.

So we're going back a few years here.

And this is one of those stories where I look back and I just want to gently shake my younger self and say, sweetheart, what are we doing?

Because just days,

Days after having my first baby, my principal and team came to my house,

my living room,

to work on schedules for the following year.

And at the time,

I think I thought, well, this is what you do.

This is what being helpful looks like. This is what being committed looks like.

But now,

Now I look back and think, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I did not need my principal and my team in my living room just days after giving birth.

I did not need to be working on schedules while I was healing, adjusted,

exhausted,

and holding a newborn.

I didn't need to prove my dedication in that moment.

I needed rest.

I needed privacy.

I needed space.

I needed to be with my baby.

And I needed someone to say,

hey, Carol,

this can wait. We've got it.

You're on leave. Be with your family.

And maybe somebody would have said that if I had set the boundary,

maybe they would have understood.

Maybe they would have respected it.

Maybe this simply.

Maybe they simply did not realize what they were asking because I had not communicated that it was too much.

That's the thing about boundaries.

Sometimes people cross the lines because they are inconsiderate. I mean, that happens. But sometimes people cross the lines because we never drew them.

And I had not drawn them.

I had created a pattern where I was always available,

always willing,

always trying to be helpful, always saying yes.

And so when I look back on that story,

I don't want to sit in resentment.

I want to sit in learning.

And what I learned is this.

If I do not protect certain parts of my life,

the job will take up as much space as I allow it to take.

It's kind of like when I was growing up,

my grandmother always had goldfish.

And she would keep her goldfish in this little kiddie pool in her basement.

Now, those goldfish would grow to the size of that pool.

And that's the same thing.

If you don't protect them,

the job is going to take up as much space as you allow it to.

Those goldfish were taking up a lot of space because they were allowed to take it up.

School counseling can take up a lot of space.

It can take up your evenings, your weekends, your drive home,

your family time,

your sleep, your mental energy.

It can take up your heart.

And sometimes, because this work matters so much,

we allow it.

We tell ourselves, it's just this one time.

Just answer this one email.

I'LL just finish this one last thing.

I'll just stay late today.

I'll just take this home.

I'll just make this exception now. Of course, sometimes we do have to make exceptions.

This job is not always neat and tidy.

There are crisis.

There are emergencies.

Sometimes they happen right at 3 o' clock when dismissal happens.

And there are moments when we stay late because a student's unsafe or a family needs support, or something serious has happened that's real.

And I'm not talking about those moments.

I'm talking about the everyday pattern where everything starts to feel like an emergency.

Where every request becomes urgent,

where every need becomes ours to carry.

Where we start to believe that if we don't do it,

no one will.

Maybe sometimes that's true,

but even then we still have to ask,

at what cost?

At what cost to our health, to our families?

At what cost to our ability to be present?

At what cost to our patience or to our joy?

And at what cost to our longevity in this profession?

Because when we ignore boundaries long enough,

burnout doesn't politely knock,

it comes right in and sits down.

And sometimes we do not even recognize it. At first we just think we're tired or cranky or less patient.

We're more emotional or less creative.

We're more resentful or more overwhelmed.

And we start to dread things that we really used to enjoy.

We start to feel irritated when people ask for help.

When we start to feel like we are failing even when we are doing more than enough,

we start to lose the parts of ourselves that made us good at the work in the first place.

And that's why boundaries matter.

They're not just about protecting time. They're about. They are about protecting the counselor.

They're about protecting our ability to show up with compassion, creativity, and clarity.

And they're not about.

They're about making sure we do not become so depleted that we have nothing left to give.

Now, I think one reason boundaries can feel so hard in school counseling is because our role is already a little squishy.

And by squishy, I mean that not everyone fully understands what we do.

Some people think we're there for the scheduling.

Others think we're there for the testing.

Some think we're there for the behavior,

for maybe the crisis.

And some think we're there for every crying child,

every angry parent, every conflict, every attendance concern,

every sel lesson, every data meeting, duty and random task that clearly doesn't belong to anyone else.

And when a role is misunderstood, it's very easy for the role to expand in every direction.

And if we're not careful, we become the catch all.

The person who says yes because we want to be helpful,

the person who absorbs the overflow,

the person who fills every gap.

And when we wonder why are we exhausted?

And I have said this before, and I probably will again,

school counselors are helpers.

But we are not the school's junk drawer.

We cannot be where every leftover task gets tossed.

And that does not mean we're above certain tasks.

It means we need to protect the work we actually are trained to do.

Because when we're doing everything else,

we can't do the most important things well.

And that's a boundary, too,

a role boundary.

And it's one of the most important boundaries school counselors can learn to set.

And it's okay to say that's not the best use of our counseling role.

I can support this,

but I cannot own the whole process.

I can consult with you,

but I cannot take over.

I'm not available at that time.

But here is where when I can meet,

I want to help.

And I also need to keep my scheduled lessons.

I can respond tomorrow during school hours.

I'm on leave,

and I'm not available for a work task.

And that last one is the one I wish I had known.

I'm on leave and I will not be available for work tasks.

Imagine that.

Imagine saying that and meaning it.

Now, I know someone listening might be thinking, that sounds nice,

but my school would never allow that.

Or my principal expects me to be available,

or my team relies on me,

or if I set boundaries, people will think I'm not doing my job.

I want to be honest here.

Some environments make boundaries harder than others.

Some administrators are more supportive than others.

Some schools have healthier cultures than others.

Some teams respect time better than others.

So I'm not going to pretend that this is always easy, because it's not.

But I will say this.

Small boundaries are still boundaries.

And you do not have to start by overhauling everything.

You can start with one area,

one limit, one sentence,

one practice, one shift.

Maybe you stop checking email after 5.

Maybe you put on an auto reply during breaks.

Maybe you schedule documentation time and treat it like an appointment.

Maybe you stop saying yes immediately and start saying,

let me check my calendar and get back to you.

That sentence alone is a lifesaver.

Let me check my calendar and get back to you.

Because sometimes we say yes before our brains have even caught up.

I know I'm totally guilty.

And someone asks us something in the hallway and suddenly we have volunteered to run a lunch group,

cover recess, organize a kindness week,

supervise picture day, re rewrite the crisis plan and build the parade float.

Okay, maybe not the parade float, but. But honestly,

maybe the parade float.

So one of the best boundaries we can build is the pause.

The pause between the request and the answer.

We can say, let me think about that. I need to look at my schedule.

I want to make sure I can give that the attention it deserves.

I cannot commit to that right now.

I can help with one part of that.

Not able to take that on,

but I can suggest another option.

Those are all boundary sentences and they can feel a little awkward at first,

especially if you're used to being the yes person.

But when you first start setting boundaries, it can feel like you're doing something wrong.

Your nervous system may not even enjoy it.

You may over explain, you may apologize three different times.

You may want to send a follow up email that says actually nevermind, I can do it.

No,

don't do that. Or at least try not to.

Boundary setting is a skill and like any skill, it takes practice.

I know I've told you this on the podcast before.

I do not check my my email when I'm at home.

My work email goes off and is only checked at work.

And my phone number,

I don't carry my cell phone with me throughout the day and I don't give my my number to all the teachers because I don't want them texting me. I have a phone in my office.

They can call my my office phone if they really need to get ahold of me. And if I'm not in my office,

they don't need to text me because obviously I'm doing something else and that's a boundary.

Like I said,

boundary setting is a skill.

And like a skill, it takes practice.

We don't expect students to master coping skills the first time we teach them.

We teach, we practice, we reteach, we model, and we reinforce.

We need to do the same for ourselves.

So let's talk about a couple real specific boundaries I really wish I had set earlier.

And the first one is time boundaries.

This is the one we've been talking about with being the last to leave.

I wish I had created a more consistent end to my day.

Not every day would have been perfect.

Again, this is school counseling.

But I wish I had made leaving on time a normal thing instead of treating it like a reward I had to earn,

because that's kind of what I did.

And I'm also going to say it also took me a While to learn to be respectful.

Respectful of my counselor, my co counselor,

who did leave and set those boundaries of time on time.

It took me a while to realize she wasn't less of a counselor and she wasn't trying to get out of doing what work.

She was just really trying to keep a healthy boundary for herself because she also had a family and she was putting a priority on that.

So make leaving on time a normal thing.

My friends don't think that you can only leave if everything's done,

because everything is never done.

And I did that all the time. I stayed and I stayed and I stayed.

And the truth is,

living on time doesn't mean that you don't care.

It means you're allowed to have a life outside of school.

You are allowed to go home,

you are allowed to eat dinner.

You are allowed to rest and be with your family.

You're allowed to really be a whole person now. The second boundary I wish I had set earlier is emotional boundaries.

And this one is hard because we care about our kids.

We carry their stories and we worry about them, and we think about kids after school and we replay the conversations and we wonder if we did enough,

and we wonder what's happening at home and we wonder if they're okay.

That is part of being human in this work.

But I wish I had learned earlier that caring does not mean carrying everything alone,

that there's a difference between compassion and taking full responsibility for outcomes we cannot fully control.

And that's a hard lesson,

but it's a really important one.

We can support students.

We can connect them with resources. We can advocate and we can listen, we can document, we can follow protocols, we can consult,

we can involve the families and teams and community supports.

But we cannot personally control every outcome.

And when we act like we can, we break our own hearts over and over again.

So emotional boundaries might sound like,

I care deeply,

and this is not mine to carry alone.

I have done the next right thing.

I will follow up tomorrow.

I can be part of the support system,

but I can't be the entire support system.

And that last one, it's important.

You can be part of the support system,

but you are not their entire support system.

And the third boundary I wish I had set earlier is role boundaries. And like I said before, we need to protect our roles.

And that means being clear about what school counselors do and what we are trained to do.

It means aligning our time with student support,

counseling curriculum, small groups, individual planning, responsive services,

consultation,

collaboration, and program work.

It means noticing when we are pulled into tasks that consistently keeps us from serving students.

And it means learning to say respectfully,

I can support this through a counseling lens.

Here's how I can contribute.

This may need to be handled by another team.

This is outside the counseling role, but I could help problem solve. Who might be the right person?

We had a teacher who thought that every single one of her kids needed counseling.

It was a supported learning class, so a special ed 811 class.

And granted her kids had some special needs,

but her kids really didn't need a school counselor.

They needed a behavioralist.

And I could have easily said, yeah, I'll see all the kids,

but I said no, here's how I can help. This is what I can do. But this is really what your kids need. Let's figure out away how to get them the support that they really need and deserve.

Now the last boundary, or the fourth boundary is community is communication boundaries.

I wish I had been clear about when and how I responded to emails and messages.

Now sometimes I know we do this because we finally have a quiet moment or because we're trying to get caught up, or because we think, I'll just send this quickly.

But over time it creates an expectation and even if no one else expects it, we start expecting it of ourselves.

So simple communicate.

A simple communication boundary might be I'm only going to respond to emails during school hours or I will get back to you within one or two school days or if this is urgent, please contact the main office.

And that kind of clarity, I think it helps everyone.

Now the fifth boundary is family and personal life boundaries.

And this is where that living room story comes back.

I really wish I had protected my family time more intentionally.

I wish I had understood that being on leave meant being on leave.

And I wish I had known that my baby did not need to share my first stay homes with next year's master schedule.

That sounds funny now, but it also makes me sad because I missed the chance to fully honor that time and I do not want that for our newer counselors.

I do not want you to feel like your life has to fit around your job in every season.

There is going to be times when your family needs you.

There are going to be times when your health needs you.

There is going to be times when your grief needs you and there are going to be times when your rest needs you.

There can be times when your own children,

your partner, your parents, your friends,

your Pets, your home,

or just your own soul needs you and the school can survive you. Having those boundaries doesn't mean you're not important.

You are important,

but you are not the only person who can hold everything.

And if the whole system depends on one exhausted counselor never saying no,

that's not a healthy system.

Now I want to talk about guilt. Because guilt is usually the thing that shows up when we try to set boundaries.

Guilt says you should do more.

They need you. You're letting people down.

Good counselors say yes.

Other people are staying late.

What if they think you don't care?

What if something happens?

And guilt.

Guilt can be really loud.

But guilt is not always telling the truth,

because sometimes guilt is just the discomfort of doing something differently.

And sometimes guilt is the withdrawal system,

the withdrawal symptom from over functioning.

Sometimes guilt is what happens when we stop abandoning ourselves.

And that's a line worth sitting with.

Sometimes guilt is what happens when we stop abandoning ourselves.

So if you start setting a boundary and you feel guilty doesn't automatically mean the boundary is wrong.

It might mean the boundary is new.

It might mean you're learning.

It might mean you are stepping out of an old pattern.

And that's okay.

You can feel guilty and still set the boundary.

You can feel uncomfortable and still protect your time.

You can be kind and still say no.

You can care and still go home.

And you can be dedicated and still rest.

And I want to give you some practical ideas that you can actually use.

Let's start with the boundary scripts,

or a few of them,

because sometimes we need the words.

And so here are a few you might want to tuck away.

I want to help,

but I'm not able to take that on right now.

I can meet with you tomorrow during my available time.

I'm not checking my email after school hours, but I will respond when I'm back in the building.

I can support the student, but we need a team approach.

I am on leave and will not be available for work tasks.

I can help with this part, but I cannot coordinate the entire project.

That's outside my role.

But I can help you think about who might be the right contact.

I need to keep this time protected for student support.

Let me check my schedule and get back to you.

And my personal favorite for recovering over committers.

That sounds important.

And I need to think about whether I have capacity.

Capacity.

Such an important word.

Because not everything is about willingness.

Sometimes people ask, can you do this?

And technically, yes,

you can.

You're capable. You can figure it out. You could squeeze it in you could stay late. You could make it happen.

But the better question is,

do I have capacity?

Do I have the time,

the energy, the attention, and the emotional bandwidth to do this well without sacrificing something essential?

And that's a totally different question.

And school counselors, we need to ask it more often now. Another practical strategy is to create a tomorrow list.

I wish I had done this earlier, too.

At the end of the day, instead of trying to finish everything,

write down the three most important things to pick up tomorrow.

Not 33 things,

just three.

This helps your brain close the loop.

It says, we're not ignoring this. We have a plan.

Then you can leave.

And when your brain tries to remind you that it's 8:47pm While you're trying to watch show or fold laundry or eat ice cream,

you can say, it's on the list.

We're handling that tomorrow.

Another strategy is to schedule protected work blocks,

documented time,

lesson planning time,

group planning time,

follow up time,

and then treat those blocks like real appointments,

because they are.

If we do not protect time for the work,

the work spills into our personal time.

And then we wonder, why are we always behind?

We also need to normalize, asking, is this urgent?

Or is this important but not immediate?

Because those two things are not the same thing.

A crisis is urgent.

A student safety concern is urgent.

A scheduling preference for next month may be important,

but it's not urgent.

A teacher needing help with a classroom pattern may be important,

but maybe it can be scheduled.

A parent concern may need a response,

but not necessarily within six minutes.

And when we treat everything like an emergency, we burn out.

And part of boundaries is sorting urgency from importance.

That's a skill.

Another boundary practice is having a transition ritual at the end of the day.

This can be simple.

Close your laptop,

write your tomorrow list.

Clear one small space on your desk,

take a deep breath,

say, I did what I could today.

Turn off the light and leave.

It sounds too simple,

but rituals help our brains transition.

And in a job where we absorb so much emotional content,

we need transitions.

We need a way to signal to ourselves, the workday's ending.

I'm allowed to put this down.

I will come back tomorrow.

Now I want to say something to the newer counselors that are listening.

You do not have to earn your worth by overworking.

You do not have to prove you care by being the last to leave.

You do not have to say yes to everything to be valued.

And you do not have to respond immediately to be helpful.

You also do not have to sacrifice your family your health or your peace to be good at this job,

you are allowed to be a good counselor with boundaries.

And actually only I would argue that boundaries help you become a better counselor.

Because when you're rested, you think more clearly. And when you're not resentful, you're more compassionate.

And when you're not stretched in 17 different directions,

you're more present.

And when you protect your role,

you serve your students more intentionally.

When you have a life outside of work,

you bring a healthier self back into the building.

And that matters.

And to the veteran counselors listening,

I want to say it's not too late.

Even if you have been the yes person for years,

even if everyone expects you to stay late,

even if you have trained people to come to you for everything,

even if you have built your identity around being the dependable one,

you can still make changes.

They may feel awkward.

People may notice.

Some people may not love it at first.

And that doesn't mean the boundary is wrong.

It means the pattern is changing.

You can start small.

You can choose one area.

You can practice one sentence.

You can protect one block of time.

You can stop answering one kind of email after hours.

You can leave on time one day a week and build from there.

Small boundaries count.

And I also want to name something important.

Boundaries are not only individual.

Sometimes they need to be systemic,

because it's not fair to put all the responsibility on individual counselors to protect themselves in systems that are asking for too much.

We need administrators who understand the role.

We need realistic caseloads. We need supportive pop, we need supportive policies, we need coverage for crises.

We need mental health teams,

and we need clear protocols.

We also need districts that value school counseling enough to protect counselor time.

So, yes, set personal boundaries,

but also,

when possible,

advocate for role clarity and systems that do not depend on burnout.

Both things can be true.

We can work on our own boundaries. And we can also recognize that schools need healthier systems.

And as we start to wrap up, I want to go back to that younger version of myself,

the one who thought that staying late made her amazing,

the one who thought saying yes was the safest answer.

The one who let work into her living room just days after having a baby.

The one who confused ability with value.

I have a lot of compassion for her.

She was trying. She cared. She wanted to be good. She wanted to help.

She wanted to be seen as dependable.

She did a lot of good work,

but she was tired.

And I wish I could tell her,

you do not have to do it this way.

You can care and still have limits.

You can be excellent and still go home.

You can be trusted and still say no.

And you can support your school and still protect your family.

You can be a school counselor and still be a person.

And maybe that's the message someone needs today.

You are allowed to be a person.

Not just a role,

not just a helper,

not just the calm one,

not just the person who handles the hard stuff,

but a person with needs with limits, with the family,

with the body that gets tired with the motions, a home and dreams,

and with the future.

And with a life outside the school, school building.

And that life matters.

So here's your reflection for this week.

Ask yourself where am I confusing overworking with being effective?

Where am I saying yes when I need to pause?

Where is one boundary I wish I had set earlier?

And what is one boundary I can start practicing now?

And what would change if I believed I could be a good counselor without being endlessly available?

And that last question I think is big.

Because what would change if I believed I could be a good counselor without being endlessly available?

Maybe you'd leave earlier.

Maybe you would stop checking email at night. Maybe you would ask for help.

Maybe you'd protect your planning time.

Maybe you'd say no to something that's not yours to carry because exhaustion, it's not a badge of honor.

Being the last to leave is not the goal.

Sustainability is presence is effectiveness is joy is being able to keep doing this work without losing yourself in it.

That's the goal.

So let this be your gentle reminder.

Go home,

Close the laptop.

Let the email wait.

Put it on tomorrow's list.

Protect the leave.

Pause before saying yes.

Ask whether you have capacity.

And remember,

being the last to leave did not make me amazing.

And it will not make you amazing either,

because you're already doing meaningful work.

You don't have to prove it by burning yourself out.

So until next time,

I hope you have a really great week.

Bye for now.

Thanks for listening to today's episode of Counselor Chat. All of the links I talked about can be found in the show notes and at counselingessentials.org podcast. Be sure to hit follow or subscribe on your favorite podcast player.

And if you would be so kind to leave a review, I'd really appreciate it.

Want to connect? Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram at Counseling Essentials. Until next time. Can't wait till we chat.

Bye for now.