If you struggle with keeping conversations going in English - like you feel as though your English vanishes when you're trying to talk with an English native speaker, then today's episode is for you!

I'll share a simple to use strategy that will remove all the pressure from you to carry the conversation, AND, as a bonus get the person you're talking with to actually think you're pretty cool!

The quotes I mentioned:

“The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. If we talk to people about what they are interested in, they will feel valued and value us in return.” Dale Carnegie.

A single question that could make a huge difference in your conversational skills is “Tell me more.” Or “Tell me more about [something the person was just saying.].”

Here's what we cover:

00:00 Unlocking the Art of Engaging Conversations

00:38 Welcome to Speak English Fearlessly Podcast

02:08 April's Theme: Speaking English Fearlessly

03:14 The Challenge of Speaking Without Fear

03:58 Strategies to Overcome Conversation Freezing

08:23 Mastering the Art of Asking Questions

24:17 Avoiding Conversation Stoppers: Don't use "Do" or "Does" questions!

29:08  Listener Q&A Segment

31:54 Closing Remarks and Invitation to Subscribe

Links mentioned today:

Dale Carnegie quote: Become a more interesting person.

From upworthy.com "Stanford expert shares the number one phrase that people who are good at small talk always use."

From the Listener Q & A session: A link to the Canadian Immigration Website talking about visitor visas.

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Mentioned in this episode:

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Well, hello there and welcome to the Speak English Fearlessly podcast. This is the podcast This is the podcast for motivated English learners who want to speak English fearlessly and learn practical tips and strategies to conquer the CELPIP exam. I also love to feature encouraging interviews with regular people, people just like you, who are working towards becoming fluent in English so that we can learn from their experiences together.

Who am I? My name is Aaron Nelson and I've been an English teacher for over 16 years and I now help students prepare for the CELPIP exam through online classes. If you are new here, I just want to say hello and welcome. Thank you so much for dropping in. I hope that you will sit back and relax and enjoy today's episode.

If you have been a long term listener, thank you so much for coming back to listen today. You are welcome here too. And I am so glad that you are here. And I also hope that you as well. Thank you so much. sit back and relax and enjoy this episode. If you are in an environment where you can sit back and relax, like if you're not driving or at work or yeah, I just hope that you enjoy today's episode, wherever you might be.

So this month, the month of April, it is upon us already, isn't it? April is here. This is when this episode goes live. It's April the 2nd and uh, Well, I'm excited to launch this month's theme. We're going to be focusing all on speaking English fearlessly. Imagine that! The name of this podcast, and I don't think we've ever really done any focused work on speaking in English fearlessly, aside from focusing on the speaking section of the CELPIP exam.

But, uh, we've never really talked very much about things that you can be doing in English fearlessly. on a daily basis that will help you improve your speaking skills in English. And I was just thinking about how weird that is that I haven't done that yet. So that's what this episode and the next three or four episodes are going to be all about.

Helping you take your speaking skills to the next level. Because I know that that is something that is so important to all of us. If you're learning a new language, being able to speak without fear is something that, well, it means a lot because when you're trying to speak in English or in any language that you're trying to learn for the, for the first time, or even for the hundredth time, it can be a very stressful sort of feeling because you never know if you're going to make a mistake or if the person that you're talking to will say something and you get kind of lost.

And then you have that moment of. What do I do? Panic. And you freeze. And yeah, so learning how to speak English fearlessly is something that I am passionate about because I know exactly how painful that can be. So if you have ever had the experience of trying to hold a conversation with somebody, maybe a native English speaker, and you suddenly, freeze because you're so nervous or you forget what you want to say next because you're so nervous Then this is the episode for you if you are struggling To connect with someone using your English, speaking, especially, right, you need to be listening to today's episode and the next couple of ones that we're going to be doing, because I think that they will help you a lot.

So, freezing. Freezing in the moment of having a conversation with a native speaker or even with someone else who's just an English speaker trying to learn English like you. I don't know if they'd be an English speaker. Yeah, they'd be an English speaker whenever you're trying to use English. And you find yourself getting stuck because you get so nervous.

That's a big problem, isn't it? It's, it's freezing. That's what it's called when you freeze and you forget what you want to say. It's like all your English words suddenly vanish. They evaporate from your mind. Having those experiences. One is completely normal. Everybody goes through those experiences. And if you're around people who say, Oh no, that never happens to me.

I totally do fine when I'm using English. And even if it's not their first language, like if they're going on and on and saying how easy it is for them, don't pay attention because it's not true. Everybody struggles with that. Even native speakers have moments where they forget what they're gonna say, where they get nervous when they're about to say something maybe to a new person and they freeze.

It happens to this guy. It happens to me all the time. And, and so what I wanted to do So yeah, freezing can lead to terribly Embarrassing moments, can't it? I bet you've been there. I've been there. And it, those are the kind of moments that you want to avoid. And if you've had it happen to you recently, probably the thing that's going through your mind is this.

That was awful. That was horrible. I felt so embarrassed. And I don't want to do that again. I don't want to put myself in that situation again. And that's the result. of going through one of those moments of freezing and you forget everything that you know in English, you kind of get on this journey of, I don't want to do that again, so I'm just going to avoid having conversations with people, and you know what, that line of thinking, although totally understandable, totally understandable.

logical in some ways. I mean, you want to take care of yourself and protect yourself, right? So why would you expose yourself to that sort of an experience again? I get that, but here's the thing. If you fall prey to that line of thinking, can you guess what's going to happen? to your English skills. I know you know the answer to this.

If you suddenly put yourself into like a cone of silence where you're not going to be using English at all because you don't want to put yourself in those moments of feeling embarrassed again. If you put yourself into that kind of a silent space where you just refuse to use English in conversation, then your English skills are not going to grow.

They're going to freeze where they are, or if they're still growing. They're going to go super, super slow, like turtle slow. And instead of you developing your skills. In a matter of, you know, a year or two, you're going to be at this for way longer. You're going to be at this for decades. Like I've shared before in other episodes, we have friends who have done this, that they've surrounded themselves with other people who speak their first language.

And so their English skills are at an elementary level, even though they've been here. for a long time, a long time, like decades, 10 years plus. I don't want that to happen to you. So that's why this episode I hope will be useful and helpful for you. And that will give you one strategy that you can use to help you navigate those Moments when you need to use your English when you're talking with someone else and how to engage in a conversation without fear.

So for me, this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart because I am an introvert. That means I find it super hard to meet new people. I prefer to be Around a small group of people. I don't like being in large crowds. I don't like going to parties where, you know, you might bump into people that you don't know.

I don't like doing any of that stuff or I do, but just on my own. a very little scale. You know, I don't like doing it all the time. For me, just being around my small circle of friends is totally better for me. At least it feels better. It feels safer. It feels more natural for me. So I'm an introvert and I find it so hard to meet people for the first time.

How do you feel about that? Are you good at meeting people for the first time that you've never met before? Do you feel comfortable doing that? Even in your first language, are you good at it? For me, in Spanish or in English, I am not good at it. Or, maybe, let me rephrase that. I've become good at it. but only because I force myself to do it.

Like every time, like if you see me, if you get to know me in real life, like face to face, and you see me in a group of people, if you see me talking to somebody who is not my family or my circle of friends, meeting somebody, maybe for the first time, if you see me doing that, it's not because I feel naturally inclined to do it.

It's because I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone to make it happen. I have to do it for my work. I'm always meeting new people. And so I'm always having the opportunity to push myself beyond my comfort zone. It doesn't come, it doesn't get any easier for me, is what I'm trying to tell you. It's, it's still hard for me to do because my natural instinct or my natural way of being is just, I'm an introvert.

I like people. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not good at meeting them. I'm not good at carrying on long conversations with someone that I'm just getting to know. Those things come hard for me, but one of the things that I've learned that has helped me that I think will help you as you are working on developing your speaking skills is this simple trick.

Instead of you saying, Coming up with everything to talk about, what if you tried your best to ask someone that you're meeting for the first time a few questions so that they become the person who does most of the talking? I'll say that again. Instead of you being the one coming up with everything to talk about, Switch it around in your mind.

Try to be the person who comes into the room with lots of questions for someone that you're getting to know for the first time. Get the other person talking about themselves. The result is that they're going to have a great time because they're talking about themselves. And probably you're going to have a better time because you're not the one with the spotlight on you all the time.

You're asking great questions. and you're listening. You're paying attention to what the other person is saying. And so the result is a more comfortable situation because you're not under pressure. You're just listening, paying attention to what they tell you, and maybe asking follow up questions to what they're saying to keep them being the one doing the talking.

And this is a really interesting quote that comes from a guy named Dale Carnegie, and he wrote a really famous and well known book called How to Win Friends and Influence People. Maybe you've heard it. of that book, how to win friends and influence people. And one of the things that Dale Carnegie has to say is this.

The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. If we talk to people about what they are interested in, they will feel valued and value us in return. I'm going to read that one more time because it's a really important thing to think about. The royal road to a person's heart.

is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. If we talk to people about what they are interested in, they will feel valued, and value us in return. I don't know if you're catching that, but the idea is

Yeah, I don't know if you're catching that, but the idea is that the more we help a person to talk about themselves by asking really good questions, which I'm going to share a couple of ideas with you, uh, as we go along here, but as we get them talking about themselves, something interesting happens from their point of view.

One, most people that I know like talking about themselves. There are a few who don't like talking about themselves, but most people are. Oh, they're, they're looking and waiting for someone to actually listen to them. What if you became that person, even if you are the one learning to use English, even if you don't consider your English skills to be, you know, like an expert, you can still pull off a wonderful conversation by just.

asking a few really good questions, listening to what the person says and continuing to engage them on the topic of themselves. And that's powerful because people, like I said before, most people do enjoy talking about themselves. And what's even more interesting, according to what Dale Carnegie has to say, is that people feel valued when they have the opportunity to share what's important to them, but also.

It's like a double win because when they're feeling valued about themselves because they're having this opportunity to share something that maybe, maybe no one has ever taken the time to listen to them that much, as they are sharing those things with you, they're starting to see you, the one who's asking the questions, they're seeing you in a really different light.

They're seeing you as being a very interesting person. And I was looking for this. Online so I could add it in and I'm going to keep looking for it to see if I can find it later. But if I find it, I'll put it in the show notes. But I've read some studies that back this point up. That's not just Dale Carnegie writing about this, that people look at you differently in a more favorable light.

They like you better if you help them to talk about themselves. Isn't that interesting? Like, you're not, you don't have to do the heavy lifting of the conversation. All you have to do is come with some questions that can help the other person do most of the talking. So I will include a link to that quote because it comes from an article that you might enjoy reading.

And I'm also going to link to another article that will start us off with a list of some questions that maybe you could consider. Maybe you're writing down on a cue card or writing in your phone. If you have like a, like a note taking app on your phone and just write some of these questions down or come up with one that you feel comfortable using on your own.

But the idea is this have a set of like five or 10 questions that are good conversation starters. ones that you can ask someone to get them talking about their life, about their interests, about what they're passionate or excited about. And then maybe a couple of follow up questions that you could use to help the conversation keep.

So this next article is from a website called Upworthy and the title of the article is how to make small talk. How to make small talk. And this is the quote. It's, well, it says that, uh, that there is a single question that can make a huge difference in your conversational skills. And that is: "Tell me more." Or, "Tell me more about..." And then

something that the person was just saying. So like if the person was telling you, Oh, I, I, I just finish studying for my master's in business. You could follow that question, that statement up with, Oh, could you tell me more about what that was like? What was that like to finish your master's degree? And then they could just start talking to you about what it was like.

I'm sure they'll have a lot to say because a master's program is an intense program. So I'm very sure that they'll have lots to say on that topic. And all you'll have to do is pay attention to what they're saying. So according to the writer of that article, studies show that this phrase. tell me more or tell me more about, and then you add the detail that they were just talking about.

Using this phrase is a powerful and effective tool because it support, it, it, It is a support response, which means it draws more information from the person who is talking instead of a response that shifts the attention away from them and on to you. And that's something that you need to try to avoid.

Actually, as I was reading this article, it reminded me of something that my, my, uh, my teacher, when I was being trained as an English teacher, I, I remember something that my trainer said to me, he said that make, like, when you are teaching, imagine yourself as being on a stage, your goal, As an effective teacher is not to have the spotlight on you.

Every time you feel the spotlight on you, meaning you are the one doing all the talking. That means it's time to very quickly switch the attention over to your student. Try to get them to be the ones doing most of the talking, because it is all about them. They're the ones here trying to learn how to speak English.

So, if you're the one doing all the talking, guess who's not doing the talking? It's them. So, always make sure that you know where the spotlight is. I remember him telling me that. Make sure you know where the spotlight is. If it feels like it's on you, try your best to move it over to your students again, as soon as you possibly can.

So yeah, you want to make sure that you are using responses to what a person says that will encourage them to talk more about themselves, not shift response over to you. Like an example with that of that would be, Oh yeah, that happened to me too. Or I totally know what that feels like. And then you start talking about something that has happened to you.

I mean, there are some times where that will be a good and appropriate response, but this whole strategy is for you, those of you who struggle. with feeling the pressure of carrying a conversation in English. These questions are meant to help you shift that spotlight over to the person that you're talking with and not have it be sitting on you so that you feel like you have to carry the conversation forward.

Alright, so I've got four other really good conversation starter questions for you. Are you ready? Here they are. Number one, where are you from? Where are you from? That seems like a kind of basic thing to say, but do you know what? You can start off a really good conversation with somebody just by asking them.

So where are you from? Instead of the classic, what do you do? That one's like a classic one and it's overly used, but I suggest that you try. Where are you from? I've had so many cool conversations with the residents that I work with that I serve. I serve seniors. My job is to get to know them. And one of my favorite questions is to ask, where are you from?

Because the majority of people like I, on my hand, I can count the number of people who are actually from the city and town where we live right now. Now in Victoria, the vast majority of the people that I've met and I've served, uh, close to maybe 300 people in, in the different residences where I work out of all those 300 people, there's probably around five of them who are from here.

Most of them come from other countries or other places inside of Canada, and it's just, it just opens up the door for an amazing storytelling session for them to tell you where they're from. And then the follow up question would be, well, how did you end up over here? And it just leads to this really fascinating conversation.

Fascinating, at least for me, I love hearing people's stories. So a good conversation beginning point is where are you from? And another one kind of related to this one is where did you grow up? If you know that they're not from here, uh, you can ask them where did they grow up and maybe they'll start talking about a town or a city or a community.

That is what you're looking for. Where did you grow up? Where was your childhood spent? And then, related to the location, you could say, what do you like the best about living in Toronto? And then state the name. Maybe if it's, if it's in the past, if you're wanting to talk about their home country or the town where they grew up and you could say, what did you like the best about living in, and then you state the name of the place where they were from, that's another great follow up question.

And then finally, the, the tried and tested, but very helpful, uh, conversation starter could be, what do you like to do for fun? or what do you like to do in your free time or what do you like to do as a hobby? This one, this one has the potential to open up a lot of great doors, especially if you find something in common with that person or if you're If you find them talking about something that is so unusual and strange that you are curious to find out more, that is, that is the perfect situation on what you're looking for.

As these people are talking to you, you'll know that you've hit on something that they're excited or passionate about because they'll have like a twinkle in their eye. in their eyes as they're talking, they'll get excited or animated about what they're talking about. Those moments are gold because you don't have to do hardly anything except for be interested and carry the conversation along with them by asking follow up questions to what they're sharing with you.

So the questions once again, The very first one I shared with you, tell me more or tell me more about, and then fill in the blank with something that the person that you're trying to talk with has just said, the next question that you can ask is, where are you from? The next one, where did you grow up? The next one.

What do you like the best about living in, and then you put the name of the place that they're from or where they're living now, and if it's in the past, what did you like the best about living in the place where you were from? And finally, what do you like to do for fun? I encourage you to try those things out.

Now, I've got a warning question for you. Stay away from this kind of questions. Can you guess what it might be? And no, I'm not talking about religion or politics, although you might want to think twice about going into a conversation like that. But be careful about using questions that begin with do or does! Be careful about starting questions with DO or DOES.

Can you guess why? I'll give you a second to think about it. Why should you avoid questions that begin with DO or DOES?

So if you're the kind of person who doesn't like to have the spotlight on them, starting a question with do or does is the worst thing that you can possibly do. And the reason is, is that it is a question that someone can answer yes or no. or no to, and not offer any other explanation. For example, do you like fish?

No, that would be my answer to you. If you asked me that, Hey, do you like fish? I would say, no, I don't like fish. Guess what happened there? I answered the question and then the intention or the spotlight is quickly back on you and you're stuck with. Carrying the conversation forward again, coming up with another question.

I imagine it as being like a game of tennis. You know, if you ask do or does styled questions, it's like you get stuck. batting that ball over the net and only getting served back simple yes or no answers. At least that's the risk. I mean, some people will give you more information than that, but boy, the risk is high that you will get a yes or no answer or a very quick answer, which will very quickly put you in the place of having to come up with the next thing to say.

So avoid do or does questions. There are other questions that can end. or that can have the person say a yes or a no to quickly. I hope that that helps. And, uh, I want to challenge you. to make it your goal to come up with at least five questions that you can carry around with you. Practice them. Practice them so that they feel natural to you.

If you've never tried one of these questions on before, I encourage you to steal one that I shared with you today. Use them. Try them, but the whole idea is carry it around with you somewhere that you can refer to it. If you need to refresh your memory on it, maybe write it down on a cue card. Or like I said at the beginning on your phone, if your phone has a, a phone app or a phone app, of course it has a phone app.

If it has a note taking app in it, you could write down the questions that you'd like to use there, but don't just write them down. I challenge you to pick one person today. or this week that you're going to use some of these questions with. I want you to see them in your mind right now. Who are you going to talk with and use some of these questions with with them?

Do you have that person in your mind? I want you to imagine them. Imagine yourself going up to them and starting a conversation with one of these conversation starters and see what happens. See how it feels. Does it make you feel more comfortable when they're the one doing the talking and you're the one doing the listening and asking follow up questions?

Or do you find yourself feeling uncomfortable being the one? listening, pay attention to those. I I'm willing to bet that if you are shy and if you find having conversations with people, especially in English, to be a challenge, this will make a huge difference for you.

And as an extra bonus, , I just want to repeat what, uh, what we can learn from that Dale Carnegie quote, because it's really important. If you tried to keep the other person talking about themselves and you show interest in what they have to say, according to Dale Carnegie, this will help you in two ways.

You'll make the other person feel important and valued. And they, in turn, will magically think that you are important and valuable as well, which means they would like to probably like to talk with you again. And if you are working on building friendships with people, if you are new to Canada, for example, and you are having a hard time trying to make friends, this is gold for you.

If you, Can engage in a conversation and get someone talking about themselves. Not only will they feel good about it, but they'll feel good about talking with you and they'll probably want to do it again. And that could lead to making a friend.  

I would like to launch a new segment. If and when it comes 📍 up a listener Q and a segment, and I actually do have a question from a listener that I didn't even know came in. I was looking through, uh, one of my podcast apps that actually has a poll feature or a question and answer feature that I didn't really pay attention to before and I noticed that there was a question from a kind man named Rudolph who asked this question like maybe three or four weeks ago.

So I'm sorry, Rudolph. I didn't notice this until just yesterday, but his question is this. Could you share your opinion about Canada's recent visitor visa changes towards Mexican tourists and if these changes will affect their PR applications? Uh, Rudolph, I just, first of all, want to say I am not an immigration consultant and I'm not an expert in this at all.

Far from it. So I will do my best to share my advice. To you, this is what I would do. If I was you having this question, I would double and triple check the Canadian immigration website. And I found a link for you that might be helpful. It might help you to answer your question directly. I'll put that link in my show notes.

If you're listening today, I hope that you're here and that you didn't give up on me because I didn't answer your question. But, um, this is what. An article said that I found, uh, it says that if you've been approved for PR already, you need to watch for the government to send you a PR visa, a permanent resident visa.

And that would either be on paper or electronically. And you should also be watching for something called a COPR, a confirmation of permanent residence. If you have your PR already, You can use it for travel to Canada, and you don't need to apply for a visitor visa or something called an ETA. Just make sure you bring your COPR with you when you travel.

Bring that document with you. I'm reading directly from the Canadian government website, the Immigration Canada website, and I have put the link for you in my show notes. So Rudolph, I hope that that answers your question, or at least we'll point you in the right direction to find your answer. I am not, like I said before, I'm not an immigration specialist.

I have no idea what is the best advice that I could offer you aside from pointing you in the direction of. The most authoritative resource that I could think of the government of Canada. I hope that this helps you well That's it for today's episode I just want to invite you today if you haven't already to please sign up for my free weekly newsletter You can do so at celpipsuccess.com/subscribe, and you will get a new newsletter every Tuesday that will give you a deeper, a deep dive into what we've been talking about in today's podcast episode, or it will explore another topic related to the CELPIP exam or learning how to speak English fearlessly. If you haven't subscribed yet, why wait?

You should do this, man. It's totally free. Again, it's at celpipsuccess.com/subscribe, and I will see you again next Tuesday. Bye bye.