We're back. I put on makeup today. Seriously, that's where we are right now.

I took a break — a self-imposed silent hiatus you probably didn't know about, because I had a backlog and I'm nothing if not someone who runs her mouth into a microphone first and asks questions later. But the break is over, and I was not ready to come back today. I was very, very not ready.

And yet here we are, because I can do things scared, and apparently that includes walking downstairs and getting in front of the microphone when all I wanted was my best friend. (My kids confirmed my best friend is my bed. They weren't wrong.)

In this episode, I'm talking about:

— Odin, my 175-pound Great Dane who has exactly one person in this house and it is not me. Until he got scared. Then it was very much me.

— A listener question from Talia in Berkeley about how you grieve versions of yourself you never got to become — the careers, the relationships, the risks you didn't take.

— My dad's passing in 2016 and what happened in the four months after: every service line that was paying our business's bills disappeared. Every. Single. One. The universe was done with that chapter before I was.

This episode is 18 minutes. It's also a little unplanned, a little raw, and exactly what it needs to be. Come back with me.

CHAPTERS:

00:00 — War Paint On: We're Back (Armed with Makeup)

01:30 — What Counts as a Break When Your Brain Never Stops

02:09 — Content Brain Doesn't Take Vacations

02:50 — I Was Not Ready (But Here Anyway)

05:44 — Odin the 175-Pound Great Dane Who Only Loves Me in Crisis

09:02 — I'm the Safe Parent, Apparently

09:55 — What It's Actually Like Having Giant Dogs

12:24 — Small Talk: Grieving the Life You Didn't Live

Mentioned in this episode:

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I have makeup on my face that is somewhat of a victory

because I have not done that in a while because I've just wanted to sit

in a comfy hole of my blankets. I do not want

our children to have a preferred parent. That said,

all of the dogs should like me better because I am better.

Can you go away for a minute? Hey, stop bullying me. Stop. You're bullying me.

I don't like it. Hi, everybody. I'm Lauren

Howard. I go by L2. Yes, you can call me L2.

Everybody does. It's a long story. It's actually not that long a story, but we'll

save it for another time. Welcome to Different Not

Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that. That

there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken, and the

reality is you're just different, and that's fine.

So we took a little bit of a break, which doesn't reflect the

episodes that have been posted, because if there's one thing I'm fairly good

at, it's talking. When you put a

microphone in front of me, I tend to just do that. And so we had

a backlog of episodes so that we could post. But I took a bit of

a break because the last couple of weeks, months, years, this year,

past year, five years, decade, something like that. Every

time I try to quantify what part of my recent life has

been wild, I keep having to go back further. Last

month, well, probably the last two months. Mostly this year.

Well, since 2016, it's kind of

hard to, like, figure out what the stopping point is. But we did take a

break, which, if you have the capacity to do, I highly recommend doing it

because it was good to have less to think about for a short

period of time. And let me be honest, like, less to think about is like

saying there are fewer drops of water in the ocean. Like,

by magnitudes, not that much. But it did take a couple of

things off my plate and also turned off the part of my brain that is

constantly generating things. Like, once you start. If you've created content,

you know this. Once you start creating content, everything has

the potential to be content. And then there's just a part of your brain that

is, like, constantly mining for it and just being able to say to that part

of my brain, like, take a nap. Did release

some stuff, so that's good. But I will be very honest, and

I think it's probably important to say this, because I'm sure there are

other people in very similar situations. Maybe not with podcasts,

but with jobs. And responsibilities and family

and all the other things that are probably more

important than podcasts. I was not ready to come back this morning. And

by come back, I mean walk down the stairs to where I keep my

makeup and put that on my face and get in front of the microphone

and start recording. I was not ready. But I also

knew that once we started, I would feel more like myself

and I'd really like to feel like myself. That'd be so great. Oh, my gosh.

So I really had to, like, push myself hard. I've pushed myself hard for

many, many things. I push myself every day with work because I always have

way too many things to do. But I'm also not a person

who, like, deeply dives into this idea

of, like, you can do things scared, but that doesn't mean you have to do

things you don't wanna. Like, if your gut's telling you not to do something,

if your body's screaming at you and you're trying to do something, maybe you don't

need to do it. So I fall somewhere between there. So not to say that

I have not forced myself to do many things that I need to do as

a grown up adult in my life, but the fact that I was able to

see through the fact that all I wanted to do was lay in bed, that's

all I wanted to do. The other day I was walking upstairs,

it was Friday night, and it had been a really long day. And I said

to my kids, I'm gonna go spend some time with my best friend. And

my oldest said, your bed? And I was like, yes.

So even my kids know. But the fact that I managed to pry myself away

from my best friend in the world, my bed, and come

downstairs and put the war paint on my face and

get here to yap into this microphone for

whatever reason. And to be clear, I have zero idea what's coming out of my

mouth today. None. There is never a plan.

Which is kind of impressive when you consider how much content I have

recorded without a plan. That really shows you my capacity to

just run my mouth into the ether and hope that somebody listens to it

eventually. But there is no plan. But we are back.

Because these are small steps to get back to

feeling like my normal self, who,

regardless, all of the shit I like to talk about her, I kind of like,

this is just one of those things. So if you're still here. Thanks, man.

And if you've been listening for the last couple of weeks while I've been on

self imposed silent hiatus that you didn't even know about.

Thanks. Appreciate you a lot. And we have a lot more

cool stuff coming up, but also, like, we're gonna talk about some

tough stuff because first off, I know I'm not the only person there.

I won't pretend like I ever have any idea what episode is coming out

when, like, I literally just run my mouth into a microphone and

then forget that I did it. And until I listen to the next

episode, which I actually do. And I can't believe I do, but I actually

do, because if I don't, I don't have any idea. Like, I have

zero recollection of what we recorded or what was said.

So much so that I'll be listening to it and I'll be like, oh, man,

I really wish I said this after the thing that I'm saying currently.

And then immediately say it and go, oh, like, good job, me. Good job. Past

me, who? I have zero recollection of doing this. We were on the

same page when things come out. I don't know. But

we're here, and we're doing it because we can do things scared and we can

do hard things. I have makeup on my face. Whether you can see that or

not. That is somewhat of a victory, because I have

not done that in a while, because I've just wanted to sit in a

comfy hole of my blankets.

Two nights ago, I'm laying in bed, and Odin. Odin

is a very sweet dog, and he will take affection from everybody, and he is

very, very snuggly. But he is bonded to my husband.

He is bonded to my husband in ways that I am not bonded to my

husband. Like, that is his person, and

so he will come hang out with me. But the second my husband comes along,

he's like, fuck you. I'm out. And he runs away, which, like,

I've just gotten used to. Whatever. It's fine. I can. It's not fine.

It breaks my heart every time because I say this a lot. I do not

want our children to have a preferred parent. They should know that

they can come to both of us about everything, that we're both there for them,

that we support them unconditionally, that we love them unconditionally. There is

no difference in the quality of parenting that they will

get from either parent. I want them to know that. And we spend a lot

of time working on that. That said, all of the dogs should like me

better because I am better. The dogs should like me better.

I am the superior person. The dogs should like

me better. So it Breaks my heart every time that this dog runs away to

my husband. And for everybody who does or does not know, Odin is

175 pound Great Dane. So you don't passively

snuggle with Odin there. It is a contact sport. But

he's a very sweet boy and we like him a lot. So anyway, all that

to say he never, never comes to me first if he's looking for somebody to

snuggle with, he's like, where's my dad? And then if he doesn't find Kyle, he's

like, all right, whatever, man. The other night I was laying in bed. This is

like two nights ago. He runs upstairs without stopping,

jumps up on the bed and snuggles up to me, which does not happen

usually. It's like, if he jumps on the bed, he's like, where's my dad? My

dad's not here. All right, let me see if

I can get comfortable on this king size massive

fabric that I, as a dog, should not be allowed on. But I get three

quarters of because I'm a giant dog. So he has to, like, decide where his

spot is. He has to get comfortable. He. And sometimes it's like

he's, like, laying on top of me, but often it's just like,

you are. You are the substitute human, and it's fine that you're here, but

I need to rest. Right? Except that is not what happened. He ran right

upstairs, jumped on the bed, snuggled up right next to

me, like, on, like, next to me. Like I needed to protect him

or like he had been waiting for me all day. Would this does not happen.

So I was like, well, that's weird. But also, I was tired and I

didn't think that much of it. And then he was next to me, like, basically

on top of me the whole night. So I didn't really think anything of it.

And then last night I went to go to bed and I was like, well,

where's the dog? And he was doing the thing where he was like, I definitely,

like, he was definitely looking for my husband. So I was like, well, I guess

I'm old news. Whatever. So Kyle happened to walk in and I was like, do

you have any idea why Odin was, like, all in for Snuggles last night and

acted like he had been looking for me? And he goes, oh, yeah. I got

mad at him because he was eating the other dog's food and he ran away

scared. And I was like, oh, oh, so I'm the one who

protects him is what it is. And he was like, no, Definitely. He was looking

for protection. He was. He was scared that he was in trouble and he was

being a chicken shit. And so he ran upstairs and jumped in bed with you.

I was like, oh, so technically he does like me better.

That's fine. I'll accept that. Everybody in this house comes to me when they're in

trouble because I'm supposed to get them out of trouble. They come hide underneath the

covers of me because apparently I am the protector of all small things

and my husband is the enforcer.

Having Great Danes is an experience. Like, obviously, they're giant dogs. They're human

sized dogs in the house. So that is an experience. I tell people, like,

imagine you're walking through your house and at any moment,

like, a transparent knee wall pops up and

you just. You just go knee first

into something that was not supposed to be there.

And all of a sudden it's there and it doesn't move. It doesn't respond,

it doesn't react. It does no damage. It just, like, looks up at you.

Like, that's what it's like having great dates. Because they have no spatial

awareness. They have no idea where you are in reference to them.

They have no sense of urgency for anything. The only time

they get scared is when, like, something. Well, they get scared all the time, I

think is more the point. But it's always, like, stuff that shouldn't scare them. Like,

if they see the neighbors, they get scared and bark. And I'm like, what are

you gonna do? What are you gonna

do? Like, you, you. You would get close to that person and be like, can

I have your pets? Like, why are you barking?

Why are you alerting me that the neighbor is there? Because

you're gonna protect the house. That's not gonna happen. You are the last

thing in the world that is gonna protect the house. You can't even protect yourself.

Who are you gonna protect? We had a bullmastiff when I was a kid, and

this dog was huge. He was like 160 pounds. My dad used to say that

he got so big because they had the same attitude about exercise,

which is that if you get the urge, just roll over until it passes. He

just, like, got bigger and bigger. I will never forget. We moved into a new

house and this repairman came over and the dog ran down the stairs,

took one look at him and was like, nope. And ran up to the third

floor and was like, nope. So that's our guard dog, right? But these dogs, like,

they will. They will at least go through the show of barking and Then I'm

like, what are you gonna do? There is no part of you that is a

guard dog. You might be an alarm, but you are certainly not

gonna tear anybody up. That's our 160, 175 pound dogs,

right? The 30 pound dog will read you for

filth and tear you to shreds. We've had so many shar peis

that I've been like, you probably shouldn't be allowed around people. Let's go

move you away. They're mean. It might be why I like them, but

they're mean. We had one dog who passed away last year that if anybody knew

how many times he had bitten people, I would be uninsurable. Our

homeowner's insurance would just nope out. They'd be like, nope, get rid of the dog.

That dog lived with my brother for an extended period of time. There was

a time period when he saw my brother when he wasn't living with us. He

saw him at least weekly, but likely much more

frequently. He was very well acquainted with my brother and he

still bit him every time he saw him. So anyway, if you want a guard

dog, not the big ones, make another choice. But if you want a dog that

will run to you when it's scared and is scared 97% of the

time, something over 120 pounds will probably do it.

And now we'll go to Alison, who has this week's

small talk. We have a question from Talia in Berkeley,

California. I feel grief for versions of myself I never

got to try careers I didn't pursue relationships I

avoided risks I didn't take because I was just trying to survive.

What do you do with that grief when there's no one to blame? Why do

you need to blame anybody? That's the point. There's nobody to blame. Sometimes

life is life. I'm in a group with some mentors and I have

bonded really well with one of them specifically. And we were texting the other day

and I was talking about some consulting work that I have gotten lately and how

consulting has changed so much since 2023. Beginning of

2023, when Ukraine was invaded. Basically,

like instantly all of the venture capital money dried up or it became much

harder to get. It went from being like, we're gonna go raise capital to like,

is anybody gonna be able to raise capital? And people still have. But it

has really changed the space that I exist in as a professional

because it has changed completely. Changed what

contracts look like, what engagements look like, the length of contracts, the Amount of

contracts, what people are willing to contract for, how long people

are pre revenue, how long. You know, that basically means how long people

don't have money for and can't afford somebody who does what I do.

It's just totally different. And I was saying to her as we were

chatting, I was like, this is just. It's really hard to go in and

do this every day knowing that it's so different. And

it was like this before, and now it's not.

And she just looked at me in my face and said, why does this matter?

Like, why does it matter? Why does 2023 matter? We're not

there anymore. We're now in 2026. Why beat yourself up over something

that you had no control over? Like, sure, it was that way before. Things

change. And so, yes, you absolutely. You can grieve that version of the

life that you thought that you would have, or you can grieve the things that

didn't come to fruition. Like, that's. That's valid. Grief is

a real thing. And not especially in those situations, but I think in those situations,

we're kind of taught that, like, you're silly for having feelings about it. And the

reality is, like, you're probably honoring yourself better by letting yourself have

the feelings about it. But just because it didn't happen then doesn't mean it can't

happen now. It doesn't mean you can't find new opportunities or new things that you

can engage in now. Also, like, who knows what the outcome

would have been if you had done those things. If you believe that life

is a string of events that all lead to one another and that

everything's a little bit random and also somehow connected.

You might not be living this life at all if you

didn't have that life. You know, what happened in the past matters in that it

gives you experiences, it gives you

expertise in things, it gives you

stories to tell. It gives you memories. In some cases, it gives you trauma that

you get to keep all for yourself. It's like a gift

from the universe. But the fact that it didn't happen then

doesn't impact what is happening now. What you're in

control of now, what you can do now. Those words which she said ring

in my head constantly. 2023 doesn't matter. We're in

2026. I always want to go back and like, well, it worked before. Let me

try to do it again. And then if it doesn't work again, I feel like

I've failed. And it's like, well, it worked before, so it's not a failure. Maybe

other things have changed. Maybe the universe has changed. This is sort of the

opposite of what you're asking, but it's something that sticks out in my head as,

like, the way the universe, or if you're a faithful person, how your

faith kind of drives you in that direction. But my dad passed away in 2016.

I ran his practice for, like, 10 years before that. And we.

For the last couple of years of his life, he did mostly consulting, mostly

forensic consulting, utilization review consulting, helping other people build their

practices. And we built a really, really successful practice doing that.

We still had a handful of patients, but we. You know, it was getting harder

for him to go to the office every day, but he still wanted to work.

His brain was still working. So we built a different kind of practice. Obviously, I

was sitting around grieving for my dad, but I was also grieving for, like,

this practice that we built that was. That was very niche. I

don't know that anybody else could have done it based on the opportunities

that we had come to us, based on the people who we had interacted with,

et cetera. Like, I don't know that anybody else could have done it the way

we did it. And it was super successful. I was really hung up on the

fact that I didn't get to do it anymore now that he was gone, because

I really enjoyed what we did. I always make friends or colleagues with clients

so that when they know, when they need something, they just reach out to me

and I'll have it for them. And so I had fairly good

relationships with the people who we worked with. We would chat, they would

check in. Within probably between four and

six months after he passed away, all of the programs

that he worked in generating all of our revenue for the company

closed or changed status in a way that we would not have been able to

do them anymore. And I certainly would not have been able to, like, open a

new practice with someone else who could do those things. Literally

every single service line that was paying our bills through the work that he was

doing changed. Some of it was insurance changes. Some

of it was one of the companies just shut down their review departments.

They were all gone. And so it was like the universe was saying,

like, it's time to move on. This isn't an option anymore. We're moving

in a new direction. You can't fight with that. Do I miss it? I still

miss it. To this day. I still. It was some of the most fun I've

ever had in my career. Doing that work, working with attorneys all over

the country and building out cases for them and building out practices for people. It

was a blast. But things end. Things don't happen the way you think they

will. People die. Not only did we close down our practice because my

dad died, but within four months, the way that we were running our practice anyway

would not have existed. We couldn't have done it. And

I could have stayed there, stuck and sad that we lost all these things, or

I could have taken it as the sign that I think it was to just

say, like, time to move on in a new direction. And

now it's been almost 10 years, which is terrifying,

horribly terrifying. And we do new things now. If there's

something back there that you want, go get it. Otherwise,

that doesn't matter. You've got today. Thanks for being here,

guys. Have a good day. Love you, Mina.

He knows I'm talking about him, so his head's, like, right underneath my microphone right

now. Can you go away for a minute? Hey, stop bullying me. You're rude. Stop

bullying me. Stop. You're bullying me. I don't like it. You're loving me

too much. Hey, I love you a lot, but I also want you to go

away, which is how you could define every relationship I've ever had with any

living being. Somebody needs to come get this

dog.