Artwork for podcast Squad Car 22
Episode 1 - Squid-Pig
Episode 111th December 2019 • Squad Car 22 • Deep Drag
00:00:00 00:11:49

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Welcome to the first episode of the first season of the sci-fi, comedy audio drama: Squad Car 22. Join Officer Steins & Holloway as they try to breakup an underground bum-fight arena. This episode stars Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Pedro Gonçalves, and Maelle Jayet.

Listen to other audio dramas by Deep Drag at deepdrag.com

Transcripts

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[Police Radio] Complaints on a 647 at the Virginia Hotel.

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[Officer Steins] Are we rolling?

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[Officer Holloway] I mean I just put in new batteries.

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[Officer Steins] Is it recording.

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[Officer Holloway] Maybe.

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[Police Radio] Got a call on a 507 down at the Sage Room.

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[Officer Steins] Should we start the intro, or what?

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[Officer Holloway] It looks like the tapes rotating.

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[Steins] I'm Officer Stein's.

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[Holloway] And I'm Officer Holloway.

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[Steins & Holloway] You're driving in Squad Car 22.

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[Steins] Tonight we're gonna take you on the streets your mama told you not to turn down.

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Tonight we're going to introduce you to a little murder, a little mayhem.

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Holloway tell our listeners what you have planned.

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[Holloway] Well, I mean, I was hoping before we got started we could you know stop by the

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Jack in the Box.

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They got a promotion on these these new milkshakes.

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They're called Oreo Flurries.

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[Steins] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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What are you doing?

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Your gonna make us sound soft.

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[Holloway] Sorry, I meant to say, We're gonna buy some Oreo Flurries!

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[Steins] Hey, what'd I just say?

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[Holloway] You don't you don't think that sounded virile.

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[Steins] There's nothing virile about picking up milkshakes.

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[Police Radio] We've got a 374 B in-progress near the abandoned bridge off Mulberry.

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[Holloway] What's a 374 B?

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[Steins] Maybe it's new.

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[Holloway] I'll just ask her.

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[Steins] W-w-wait, we can't do that.

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[Holloway] What's the big deal?

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[Steins] Everybody will hear you.

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I mean we just got upgraded from bicycle cops.

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They just gave us this car.

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We can't have them thinking we can't handle ourselves.

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[Police Radio] Squad Car 22 please confirm your location.

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[Holloway] This is Squad Car 22.

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We're about two blocks from the abandoned bridge.

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[Police Radio] Copy that.

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Can you check out the 374B?

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[Holloway] Ten-four.

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[Steins] Great, just great.

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[Holloway] I didn't have a choice.

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[Squad Car 22 speeds down the road.]

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[Holloway] It shouldn't be so difficult.

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The only people living under the bridge are a couple of vagrants.

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[Steins] That's it.

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They want us to break up an underground bum-fight arena.

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[Holloway] A what?

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[Steins] Don't you watch the news?

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They set up these fights all over the country.

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[Holloway] People watch homeless folks fight?

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[Steins] Nah, rich kids pay the bums to let them kick their ass.

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And other rich kids bet on it.

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I can't believe they finally set one up here.

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[Holloway] If that's the case, they're not going to let us just walk in.

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[Steins] You're right!

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We're gonna need disguises.

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[Holloway] Turn this boat around.

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We just passed two homeless guys by that burning barrel.

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[Squad Car 22 fishtails as it turns around] [Steins stops the car, and unrolls the window.]

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[Steins] How'd you like to make a little cheddar?

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[Vagrant #1] Wait, what'd he say?

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[Vagrant #2] I think he wants to give us some cheese.

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[Steins] Look you loan us your clothes and we'll pay you each $5 dollars.

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[Vagrant #1] $5 dollars my ass.

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[Vagrant #2] Yeah, I don't know what kind of pervy stuff you're into but I ain't giving

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up my threads.

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[Holloway] It'll only be for an hour, probably less.

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[Steins] Fine we'll pay you ten each.

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[Vagrant #1] Make it 20.

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[Vagrant#2] What?

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No, no, no, I'm not standing around naked for an hour.

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[Holloway] Here I'll throw in half a Big Gulp.

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[Vagrant #2] Is it Dr. Pepper?

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[Holloway] Mountain Dew.

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[Vagrant #2] Who mixes brandy with Mountain Dew?

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[Steins] The deal is $20 dollars each and half a Dew, you in?

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[Vagrant #2] You're coming back in an hour?

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[Steins rolls up the window.]

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[Steins] You better start stripping or I'm gonna keep on driving.

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[Vagrant #1] All right, all right, all right.

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[The vagrants start taking off their clothes.]

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[Vagrant #2] Hey this ain't no peep show, turn your heads.

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[Steins] Just hurry it up.

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[Holloway] Man at rate the bum fight's gonna be over by the time we get there.

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[Steins] You got some cash on you?

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[Holloway] Me?

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You're the one that offered them $40.

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[Steins] You know my wife counts every penny I make.

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[Holloway] Fine.

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[Steins] Here's your cash.

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[Vagrant #1] Man, you got a blanket or something?

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[Steins] Nah.

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[Steins rolls up the window and speeds off]

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[Holloway] Man these clothes smell authentic.

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[Steins] [laughs] It's like the pissed in some mud and rolled around it.

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[Holloway] Or broke into a sewage plant took a swim.

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[Steins] Really, If you think about it, we did them a favor.

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[Holloway] Umm-Hmm.

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[They get out of the car and stroll up the street.]

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[Steins] You brought your gun, right?

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[Holloway] Gun?

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I brought this bad boy.

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[Holloway pumps a shotgun.]

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[Steins] Good call.

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[An odd sound echoes in the distance.]

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[Holloway[ What the hell was that?

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[Steins] Sounded like it came from over there.

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[Holloway] What, from that dark doorway in the side of the bridge?

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[Steins] Come on.

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Let's check it out.

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[Steins & Holloway march through an underground cave.]

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[Holloway] So what's our backstory?

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[Steins] Say again?

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[Holloway] Like my bum's name is Leroy.

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And I'm thinking he fell on hard times when his girlfriend left him.

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[Steins] They're not gonna ask us for a resume.

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[Holloway] If I'm gonna play Leroy, I need some motivation.

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[Steins] Yeah whatever.

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[Holloway] So Leroy's girlfriend, her name's Emily, she left him.

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And after that he just kind of gave up on life.

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Every time he'd looked over at the guest bedroom he'd see the crib, and he'd know that's where

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their baby would have slept.

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I'm thinking...

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[The odd sound is louder, closer.]

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[Steins] We're getting close.

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[Holloway] To what?

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[Steins] Some sick shit!

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[Holloway] I can't believe people pay for stuff like this.

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[Steins] That's the difference between me and you.

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I did a semester in college.

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[Holloway] What, so you're more worldly?

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[Steins] No, I pledged a fraternity.

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[Steins] There's a light up ahead.

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That must be where they've got the arena set up.

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[The odd sound reverberates through the large chamber.]

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[Holloway] What the hell is that?

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[Steins] It's huge.

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It's, it's like half pig and half squid.

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[Holloway] I think it's looking at us.

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[Steins] Get down!

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[They drop to the floor.]

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[Holloway] What is it?

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[Steins] It's like if an eight-foot-tall squid fucked an eight-foot-wide pig.

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[Holloway] Should we should we call animal control?

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[Steins] What?

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We just got promoted from bicycle cops to real ones.

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You want to be known as the cops who can't handle their shit?

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[Holloway] Okay, let's slowly get up and peek over the ledge.

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[Squid-Pig] [Rattles Chains.]

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[Holloway] Look, it's chained to the wall.

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Someone's keeping it captive.

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[Mad Scientist] Well, I see you have found my radioactive Squid-Pig.

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[Holloway] Hey, didn't your mama tell you, it's rude to sneak up on people?

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[Steins] From the white lab coat to the Glock he's pointing at us, I would gather he's a

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mad scientist.

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[Mad Scientist] Soon the world will know my wrath, after I unleash my army of giant squid-pigs.

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The world will bow before me.

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No longer will I have to listen to people like you.

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I will be the authority.

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I will be the one in control.

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[Holloway shoots the Mad Scientist.]

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[Steins] Man good shot.

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[Holloway] I couldn't listen to another second of his socialist BS.

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[Mad Scientist] I... will... have...

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my... revenge.

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I... will... take... over... the... world....

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[Steins shoots the Mad Scientist five more times.]

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[Holloway] Wow, quick thinking.

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[Steins] Yeah, you saw him.

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He was just about to jump off the floors come at us.

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[Holloway] Commie sucker.

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[Steins] Check it out.

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The Squid-Pig... It's

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[Holloway] It's it's on the loose.

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[Steins] What's that?

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[Holloway] I think it's a portal.

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[Steins] To another dimension?

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To a place where other squid-pigs live?

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Populated by tentacles and corkscrew pig tails?

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[Squid- Pig slides into the portal, which closes behind her.]

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[Steins] I guess that's that.

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347 B solved.

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[Holloway] Man, I could really go for some Jack in the Box, maybe some jalapeno poppers.

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[Steins] Next stop drive thru, milkshakes on me.

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[Credit Music]

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[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins as Officer Steins, Nathan Feuerberg as Officer Holloway,

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Martin James Grapengeter as Hans, Pedro Gonçalves as Pedro, Maëlle Jayet as Max.

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Sound Designed by Joshua Holloway, directed by MJG.

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created by Nathan Feuerberg.

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[Narrator 2] Like what you hear?

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