Welcome to the first episode of the first season of the sci-fi, comedy audio drama: Squad Car 22. Join Officer Steins & Holloway as they try to breakup an underground bum-fight arena. This episode stars Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Pedro Gonçalves, and Maelle Jayet.

Listen to other audio dramas by Deep Drag at deepdrag.com

[Police Radio] Complaints on a 647 at the Virginia Hotel.

[Officer Steins] Are we rolling?

[Officer Holloway] I mean I just put in new batteries.

[Officer Steins] Is it recording.

[Officer Holloway] Maybe.

[Police Radio] Got a call on a 507 down at the Sage Room.

[Officer Steins] Should we start the intro, or what?

[Officer Holloway] It looks like the tapes rotating.

[Steins] I'm Officer Stein's.

[Holloway] And I'm Officer Holloway.

[Steins & Holloway] You're driving in Squad Car 22.

[Steins] Tonight we're gonna take you on the streets your mama told you not to turn down.

Tonight we're going to introduce you to a little murder, a little mayhem.

Holloway tell our listeners what you have planned.

[Holloway] Well, I mean, I was hoping before we got started we could you know stop by the

Jack in the Box.

They got a promotion on these these new milkshakes.

They're called Oreo Flurries.

[Steins] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Your gonna make us sound soft.

[Holloway] Sorry, I meant to say, We're gonna buy some Oreo Flurries!

[Steins] Hey, what'd I just say?

[Holloway] You don't you don't think that sounded virile.

[Steins] There's nothing virile about picking up milkshakes.

[Police Radio] We've got a 374 B in-progress near the abandoned bridge off Mulberry.

[Holloway] What's a 374 B?

[Steins] Maybe it's new.

[Holloway] I'll just ask her.

[Steins] W-w-wait, we can't do that.

[Holloway] What's the big deal?

[Steins] Everybody will hear you.

I mean we just got upgraded from bicycle cops.

They just gave us this car.

We can't have them thinking we can't handle ourselves.

[Police Radio] Squad Car 22 please confirm your location.

[Holloway] This is Squad Car 22.

We're about two blocks from the abandoned bridge.

[Police Radio] Copy that.

Can you check out the 374B?

[Holloway] Ten-four.

[Steins] Great, just great.

[Holloway] I didn't have a choice.

[Squad Car 22 speeds down the road.]

[Holloway] It shouldn't be so difficult.

The only people living under the bridge are a couple of vagrants.

[Steins] That's it.

They want us to break up an underground bum-fight arena.

[Holloway] A what?

[Steins] Don't you watch the news?

They set up these fights all over the country.

[Holloway] People watch homeless folks fight?

[Steins] Nah, rich kids pay the bums to let them kick their ass.

And other rich kids bet on it.

I can't believe they finally set one up here.

[Holloway] If that's the case, they're not going to let us just walk in.

[Steins] You're right!

We're gonna need disguises.

[Holloway] Turn this boat around.

We just passed two homeless guys by that burning barrel.

[Squad Car 22 fishtails as it turns around] [Steins stops the car, and unrolls the window.]

[Steins] How'd you like to make a little cheddar?

[Vagrant #1] Wait, what'd he say?

[Vagrant #2] I think he wants to give us some cheese.

[Steins] Look you loan us your clothes and we'll pay you each $5 dollars.

[Vagrant #1] $5 dollars my ass.

[Vagrant #2] Yeah, I don't know what kind of pervy stuff you're into but I ain't giving

up my threads.

[Holloway] It'll only be for an hour, probably less.

[Steins] Fine we'll pay you ten each.

[Vagrant #1] Make it 20.

[Vagrant#2] What?

No, no, no, I'm not standing around naked for an hour.

[Holloway] Here I'll throw in half a Big Gulp.

[Vagrant #2] Is it Dr. Pepper?

[Holloway] Mountain Dew.

[Vagrant #2] Who mixes brandy with Mountain Dew?

[Steins] The deal is $20 dollars each and half a Dew, you in?

[Vagrant #2] You're coming back in an hour?

[Steins rolls up the window.]

[Steins] You better start stripping or I'm gonna keep on driving.

[Vagrant #1] All right, all right, all right.

[The vagrants start taking off their clothes.]

[Vagrant #2] Hey this ain't no peep show, turn your heads.

[Steins] Just hurry it up.

[Holloway] Man at rate the bum fight's gonna be over by the time we get there.

[Steins] You got some cash on you?

[Holloway] Me?

You're the one that offered them $40.

[Steins] You know my wife counts every penny I make.

[Holloway] Fine.

[Steins] Here's your cash.

[Vagrant #1] Man, you got a blanket or something?

[Steins] Nah.

[Steins rolls up the window and speeds off]

[Holloway] Man these clothes smell authentic.

[Steins] [laughs] It's like the pissed in some mud and rolled around it.

[Holloway] Or broke into a sewage plant took a swim.

[Steins] Really, If you think about it, we did them a favor.

[Holloway] Umm-Hmm.

[They get out of the car and stroll up the street.]

[Steins] You brought your gun, right?

[Holloway] Gun?

I brought this bad boy.

[Holloway pumps a shotgun.]

[Steins] Good call.

[An odd sound echoes in the distance.]

[Holloway[ What the hell was that?

[Steins] Sounded like it came from over there.

[Holloway] What, from that dark doorway in the side of the bridge?

[Steins] Come on.

Let's check it out.

[Steins & Holloway march through an underground cave.]

[Holloway] So what's our backstory?

[Steins] Say again?

[Holloway] Like my bum's name is Leroy.

And I'm thinking he fell on hard times when his girlfriend left him.

[Steins] They're not gonna ask us for a resume.

[Holloway] If I'm gonna play Leroy, I need some motivation.

[Steins] Yeah whatever.

[Holloway] So Leroy's girlfriend, her name's Emily, she left him.

And after that he just kind of gave up on life.

Every time he'd looked over at the guest bedroom he'd see the crib, and he'd know that's where

their baby would have slept.

I'm thinking...

[The odd sound is louder, closer.]

[Steins] We're getting close.

[Holloway] To what?

[Steins] Some sick shit!

[Holloway] I can't believe people pay for stuff like this.

[Steins] That's the difference between me and you.

I did a semester in college.

[Holloway] What, so you're more worldly?

[Steins] No, I pledged a fraternity.

[Steins] There's a light up ahead.

That must be where they've got the arena set up.

[The odd sound reverberates through the large chamber.]

[Holloway] What the hell is that?

[Steins] It's huge.

It's, it's like half pig and half squid.

[Holloway] I think it's looking at us.

[Steins] Get down!

[They drop to the floor.]

[Holloway] What is it?

[Steins] It's like if an eight-foot-tall squid fucked an eight-foot-wide pig.

[Holloway] Should we should we call animal control?

[Steins] What?

We just got promoted from bicycle cops to real ones.

You want to be known as the cops who can't handle their shit?

[Holloway] Okay, let's slowly get up and peek over the ledge.

[Squid-Pig] [Rattles Chains.]

[Holloway] Look, it's chained to the wall.

Someone's keeping it captive.

[Mad Scientist] Well, I see you have found my radioactive Squid-Pig.

[Holloway] Hey, didn't your mama tell you, it's rude to sneak up on people?

[Steins] From the white lab coat to the Glock he's pointing at us, I would gather he's a

mad scientist.

[Mad Scientist] Soon the world will know my wrath, after I unleash my army of giant squid-pigs.

The world will bow before me.

No longer will I have to listen to people like you.

I will be the authority.

I will be the one in control.

[Holloway shoots the Mad Scientist.]

[Steins] Man good shot.

[Holloway] I couldn't listen to another second of his socialist BS.

[Mad Scientist] I... will... have...

my... revenge.

I... will... take... over... the... world....

[Steins shoots the Mad Scientist five more times.]

[Holloway] Wow, quick thinking.

[Steins] Yeah, you saw him.

He was just about to jump off the floors come at us.

[Holloway] Commie sucker.

[Steins] Check it out.

The Squid-Pig... It's

[Holloway] It's it's on the loose.

[Steins] What's that?

[Holloway] I think it's a portal.

[Steins] To another dimension?

To a place where other squid-pigs live?

Populated by tentacles and corkscrew pig tails?

[Squid- Pig slides into the portal, which closes behind her.]

[Steins] I guess that's that.

347 B solved.

[Holloway] Man, I could really go for some Jack in the Box, maybe some jalapeno poppers.

[Steins] Next stop drive thru, milkshakes on me.

[Credit Music]

[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins as Officer Steins, Nathan Feuerberg as Officer Holloway,

Martin James Grapengeter as Hans, Pedro Gonçalves as Pedro, Maëlle Jayet as Max.

Sound Designed by Joshua Holloway, directed by MJG.

created by Nathan Feuerberg.

[Narrator 2] Like what you hear?

Why not subscribe and support shows like Play Date, Squad Car 22, and Flies in the Jar.