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Not In The Fart Kind of Way
Episode 27 • 1st December 2025 • QUEERNECKS • Queernecks
00:00:00 01:03:02

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We don't have any excuses for the batsh*t flow of conversation in this episode. We somehow laughed and cried both, overshared about our bodies, and talked about food like we had never been fed in our lives. Sorry in advance for what you're bout to hear, by which I mean, you're welcome.

Free Palestine

F*ck ICE

FDT

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Transcripts

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Welcome to Queernecks, the podcast that puts the Yehaw in y'all means all. I'm your host, Beck, and I'm your host. Dash. Welcome to today's episode.

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I think that's how old the scraper it. So it's kind of like, you know, you know, like brushing your teeth when you've got a really old toothbrush sort of going through the motions

that I, luckily my neighbor's a talker, so I just started the car and then let her talk for a while and turned around and it was a little melted.

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And it's,

I, I love it.

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of stuff. But, trash Day is [:

and I was like, this is gonna be a problem if we're, you know, by the end of winter, which is April here, we, it is, um, several feet of packed down snow and ice and that.

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When they're trying to say clear a parking lot or flatten it down, it's really what they're doing. They don't bother plowing. They, it's more about flattening it down and you just take your chances. If your car can do it, then it can do it, but by the end, then of those piles of when they move it, it'll be three, four stories high.

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I'll put on some Nico case in my headphones or Kate Bush, and I'm just outliving my Victorian dream. but that's one thing, right? If, if I'm forced to say like, okay, you gotta be at work at eight o'clock, and it's like that outside. No,

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coat. So at least I have

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Shana Salt in the road or salt in the sidewalk where she works and they're not even getting snow for another like 10 hours and they're out salting and it's like, a grip,

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That was wild.

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It didn't cause any damage, but

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once we moved to Kentucky, it was all 25 w back roads. And so he was coming out of our driveway, which was blind, pretty blind at the time.

th ways and all of the cars, [:

That that traffic, had gone and he didn't, it didn't occur to him that if there was somebody coming from the other direction from our right, he wouldn't have been able to see it because of the line of cars that had gone by. Like it would be hidden behind it. And so he pulled out and there was somebody in a truck, just redneck ass flying down 25 w and there was, there we were in our minivan, all of a sudden pulled out in front of him and miraculously this man stayed in control of his vehicle, swerved around us and came to a screeching halt kind of facing us.

so sorry. Um, I'm sorry. And [:

And I was like, you are the one that fucked up. Don't you dare get in a fight right now over the fact that you were a shitty driver. Like, do you want the cops called here for once in your life? Shut the hell up. And so here we were sitting in the middle of 25 w, which is a highway

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And I was like, oh my God, just let this man go about his day. You almost killed all of us. It,

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Thinking back on it, I can't believe he didn't get in a fist fight. If he hadn't been with us, he probably would've.

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And it didn't occur to her that she should take into account traffic turning left at the light, coming at her as she was coming outta that. so we like slammed on the brakes and, and came within inches of hitting her and she panicked and then she was trying to get up into the light and was bound behind a car.

So she reached a point where she couldn't go any further, so she was stopped and here we were coming at her in a Honda. What's the big one? C rv?

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She went. Like that because the girl I was with was honking at her and was like, oh my God. Trying to warn her. And so she was like,

but something about a child [:

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Change the way it feels to [:

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So I went, it was like a quarter of a mile and I was doing like 15 miles an hour

and they stopped me and they're like, do you know why we stopped you? And I was like, no, but you're about to find out why it was a good idea. And she goes, your license plate's obscured. I had left the tailgate down on my truck 'cause we were sitting in it

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And I said, yeah. And um, she said, well, would you come out here and do a sobriety test? And I said, you don't gotta do all that. Please just take me to jail.

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exercise.

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I

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my friends up in, town they're vegans. so I get to try all these different kinds of foods when I eat with them. there was this thing called Satan.

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And so I was like, it's, it, it's more like sledding than driving. You just kind of hold steady and, 'cause the roads don't curve. You just, every time you, you bite in, happen to happen to catch a patch of road in the ice. You course correct,

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So take a shower, like by the time I was done, the water would be up past my ankles. It was disgusting. And I didn't bring any of my stuff over there because I was, I knew that I was gonna move down here in March. And also it was shitty outside. And so I didn't wanna be carrying my TV over there. So since it was a dorm room and it was the, the me or the beds that are, you can stack 'em.

I put the mattress in the floor floor and then made like a little cubby under the bed and I hung my laptop up there so I could lay there and watch movies. Um, and the cats were miserable. I was miserable. It sucks.

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It just feels so good to be able to be a good provider, you know?

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But it heats the whole room up too. And so I went upstairs to do something and I came back down here and I was like, good god. I mighty it's an oven down here.

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Do you have a copy [:

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Email us. But I try, I look for every, I put everything together. So we've got Batman and Robin, and you let me know first when we go through this. You let me know if you've seen it or not. So

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Oh, that's a fucking Reddit post.

l address to read IMDB. Come [:

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uh, it's like basically the gag is, um, what all those movies that are about, you know, evil, inbred rednecks that murder people in the woods. What if they were just vibing and it was y'all that fucked everything up by coming into the woods and not knowing how to survive. So, um, it's that basically, and it is hysterical.

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Um.

From 97, it is very high camp, and it's the one that's got, um, George Clooney as Batman. That was his only turn as Batman. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy, Chris O'Donnell as Robin, Alicia Silverstone as Bat Girl, and of course Arnie Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze. And each and every one of these performances is just high, stupid camp drag, basically.

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campy, that's different. You know what I

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It's very much in that post nine 11. Um, women should be in the home, women should be Right, like building up the American ideal. Like it appeared in the midst of all of those taming the shrew style movies. Like, how to Lose a TI Guy in 10 Days. The proposal. She's just not that into you. Failure to launch a lot of blonde, white women.

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So also a strong choice, but so I'm gonna say even it's against type for you. Even our strongest contenders are two sort of comedy horror movies.

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Um, Jennifer's body has Megan Fox and a Amanda Seyfried. I never know if it's Seyfried or Seyfried.

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What do I need to do to prepare?

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Is it a noir? Stuff like that. and so just get, just decide like what kind of feel. Is the easiest way to put that the movie has. And then, I sit with my notes, right? I just get a little notepad and watch it, enjoy it. But look for things that stand out, look for stuff that you're like, this is a thing that, for instance, makes this movie work.

We'll go through plot beats and when we hit on something that you took note of. You bring it up and then we discuss it,

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I'm, every five weeks at this point, it stays looking the same.

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e harder to control than cis [:

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Like if you get on like the Reddit, like the ftm Reddit or whatever, there's like, there's always threads of dudes having meltdowns of like, what do I do about this goddamn smell? I smell like a onion. You left in the car.

It's such a specific smell too.

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[:

so there's some nerve death. And I just remember thinking like, do you know how conflict averse Minnesotans are? Like she, how she must have been. So to get a mis, a Minnesotan to lodge a formal complaint, she must have been fit to be tied. so I was like, really? And she goes, yeah, I was really nervous about it.

I'm like, what do you think they're gonna do? Bless your heart. Usually everything just goes right, doesn't it?

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I think I mentioned before, I developed a strategy of just kind of suckering your average family practice doctor into being my prescriber for testosterone. 'cause most of them won't do it. They'll go, I'm not an expert. Um, I had a gyno one time tell me they weren't an expert. I said, you are not an expert in, can I have that diploma off of your wall because I walked in here with the VY and you have a doctorate in VI jv and they're not similar enough for you to be able to figure this out.

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I mean, just tell the kids now, right? We, we do Please do your, your screenings. we do our best to, but we fall down sometimes. And your doctor is not like, you know, gonna be mad at you because you skipped to the last one. They just want you to come in for the next one. Right. So just,

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Whatever. Call them back and say, all right, let's try this again.

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remember you were that big.

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And so the goal, you know, to get, to get them as small as possible.

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? You get to stay covered up [:

Put your shirt on,

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So, you know, I mean it was flavored, but whatever. It's fine.

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It's cheaper than going to Kroger.

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I don't drink tea. I don't drink coke. I don't drink soda unless I'm eating Taco Bell. And then you have to have a Mountain Dew that's just a requirement. Or tutors if you get tutors. But I don't ever get tutors, so.

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I didn't, fall in love with it until I gave up beer. It's kind of a beer replacement for me.

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I was always a Mountain Dew head growing up, and I gave that up when I was an undergrad. I used to buy it by the 20, by the Cube. I don't, I don't know if they still make cubes, they, I used to buy it by the cube. Um.

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tes different with that much [:

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You're in the groove if you're repeating something. And so for people with a DHD quitting a repetitive thing like smoking or drinking or, I don't know, mountain Dew, it's harder. so I've noticed times when like my A DHD is really outta control. If I don't have a fucking seltzer water in the fridge, I legit feel anxious.

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is dedicated to my Aunt Josie, who passed away last night.

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When she said she prayed for you. it meant, she intended to speak to the manager of the universe on your behalf and not to tattle on you. She passed on not too long ago. Quietly beside the terrifying hound you knew to be a reformed sinner, she'd save with just her love and encouragement. From now on, you won't be quite the same, but soon enough, you'll notice birds landing closer.

The breeze is lingering longer, and every now and then, when you find yourself alone against some foe, you'll feel the gentle pressure of a hand on your shoulder. Like she's reminding you to look both ways. Before crossing the road in life, she welcomed everyone to her table. Queer kids runaways, the neighbors feuding with their own kin.

ess you, send you home. With [:

You know the old saint is near when you smell white rain hairspray on a windless day, when the cicadas quiet down all at once so you can think straight for a second. she shows up when your tire goes flat, but not until you're safely in the Dollar General parking lot. She shows up when you're scared, when you're tired, when you're trying to love yourself in a place that doesn't know how to love you back.

She is never here to judge. She's here to keep watch. She's here to hum hymns in the background while you sort out your own salvation. However it may look, she's here to love the ones who need it most, and the ones who think they don't. so here's to the old saint, to the holler.

Gone to glory, but still on duty.

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weird experience. can. put, she can get a littler one and set it on top or something. Just of a pepperoni.

yeah.

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she ate

or like do a poly shore bit where you like ramble forever, but never say an actual saying.

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Like, like Life of Brian or Holy Grail.

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trying to teach those French [:

He said they don't even need to speak English to mock me.

So sometimes you just, you regret going outside.

I might become a snowshoer though. I'm considering it. Yeah.

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So you'd come up that driveway and there'd be a half inch or a half foot of snow or of ice at the top. And didn't have a four wheel drive before I was gone, you know? So as soon as it would snow, until it was like May, when that ice would finally fall out, you'd have to walk from the bottom of the hill all the way up to the trailer and Oh, you had to carry every book bag, every grocery, every pizza, every, everything up that hill.

I hated it.

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Some things you just to keep with you.

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Okay. Each.

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Did you get out there?

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Um, no. Here they're like, okay, we're not coming. Hope you got everything you need.

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At least the one in Toledo does. So we got free, hot and ready, like they were amazing. Just melt in your

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there. Have you had snicker

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Have you ever had a donut cheeseburger? I've never

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Like I don't want to put something like that in my stomach and not be in control of where I can lay down next.

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for science.

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So for $15 you can make a whole crock pot full of cheese dip.

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Sometimes I'll order Amazon, my Red Bull, and they'll have it here in five hours, same

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g. I like we are at opposite [:

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you need to call the police. ' cause that's a signal that like, they should follow your car.

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Wouldn't believe how many, how many stories I've read of people just getting followed around in stores, you know, getting followed outta

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Now, even though

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Listeners, if you know, or if you feel like Googling it and letting us know, I'm hap please, please do. But, um, I saw a comedian recently do an experiment like that live. She was doing crowd work. like immediately when I realized what she was doing, I was like, oh my God, you're putting your, that's not safe, right?

Because you're about to expose these men. But she said like, men, what's the, what's the worst thing you can think of happening on a, on a first date? And they all said, catfishing. Um, and she was like, really Catfishing? That's the worst thing, right? Like, she shows up not looking like her picture, right? What, what if she's gained some weight?

aw it out, to give them more [:

And so when she finally says, girls, what's the worst thing that can happen to y'all? And they all go, he'll fucking kill us. And I was like, oh shit. that is gangster.

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And I was like, somebody, please walk this bitch to her car,

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I had one kid recording my lectures under the desk with his phone and sending them to his dad. Like, I had to put a special clause in my syllabus not to record my lectures because of that semester.

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but you talk a lot about privilege and

power lot of overlap in, in methodology, in theory.

Yeah. So you're giving the same lectures, but very different audiences.

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