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Episode #156 - Unlearning & Becoming Tolerable, Curious Individuals: An Interview With Dr. Lulu
Episode 1613rd October 2024 • Speaking From The Heart • Joshua D. Smith
00:00:00 00:49:56

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Throughout time, it has been stereotyped that anyone that has a differing thought about a person, concept, theory, or even the world, was ridiculed and thought of as a "radical thinker." Even inventors, philosophers, and other composers have been heavily criticized for their level of forethought and ability to think of ideas that challenge what the traditional, "conservative" thoughts are that society (or culture) have. However, are they really "radical thinkers?" Have we lost our touch, or ability to rationalize in a way that creates curiosity? Today's impactful, eye-opening episode with the Owner of Dr. Lulu's Coaching & Consulting Lounge, Dr. Lulu, who has been featured on notable programs such as Oprah Daily, CBS This Morning, NBC, and other networks, describes what it means to have challenging thoughts and still be accepted by those around us. If we are willing to challenge the status quo, and be willing to have open conversations that shift perspectives, it can challenge many of the debates that we are having today about society, ourselves, and even the world for that matter.

*PLEASE NOTE: Speaking From The Heart, from the very beginning, is accepting of all backgrounds, viewpoints, and perspectives. This episode features discussions of transgender, LGBTQ+ rights, and other related conversations that are openly accepting, and does not discriminate or tolerate hate. We are appreciative of the viewpoints that are always covered on our show, and encourage you to seek out ways in which you can learn from today's episode how to have conversations about these types of subjects with your loved ones.

Guest Bio

Dr. Lulu is a multiple award-winning Queer, Nigerian-born pediatrician, LGBTQ+ educator, corporate consultant, CEO of Dr. Lulu’s Coaching & Consulting Lounge and chief host of Moms 4 Trans Kids Podcast. She is a mother of 3, one of whom is a transgender young adult woman. In addition to her family-centered gender-affirming coaching & consulting practice; Dr. Lulu’s PRIDE Corner (which helps families navigate the psychosocial aspects of raising gender-diverse youth), she also helps support employee-parents at the workplace. Her “Allies in White Coats” program trains culturally competent physician-allies to help mitigate health inequities plaguing the LGBTQ + community. 

@Drlulutalkradio on Instagram

@Drlulu69 on Twitter

Website: https://www.dr-lulu.com

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Transcripts

Intro:

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 156 of Speaking From The Heart.

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Today, we have Dr.

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Lulu, and Dr.

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Lulu is a multiple award winning queer,

Nigerian born pediatrician, LGBTQ plus

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educator, corporate consultant, CEO of Dr.

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Lulu's Coaching and Consulting Lounge, and

chief host of Moms for Trans Kids podcast.

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She is a mother of three, one of whom

is a transgender young adult woman.

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In addition to her family

centered, gender affirming coaching

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and consulting practice, Dr.

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Lulu's Pride Corner, which helps

families navigate the psychosocial

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aspects of raising gender diverse

youth, she also helps support

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employee parents at the workplace.

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Her quote, Allies In White Coats

unquote, program trains culturally

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competent physician allies to

help mitigate health inequities

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plaguing the LGBTQ plus community.

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I have to say, I haven't

had somebody like Dr.

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Lulu on my show yet, and she certainly

proves her worth, given the fact

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that she's been featured on so many

other shows throughout her time.

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Some of those things include being on

Oprah, CBS This Morning, NBC, ABC, all

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the different types of platforms, has

allowed her to have a voice unlike any

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voice that I've had yet on the show,

and you're going to find that some of

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the topics that she covers really dig

deep into some of the things that we're

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even talking about in today's society.

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Regardless of your viewpoints,

regardless of what you might

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consider as some of your challenging

beliefs about some of the topics Dr.

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Lulu covers, I think that she really

digs deep into something that we really

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need to start having a conversation

about, which is learning how to foster

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our own different opinions, beating to

our own drum, being a radical thinker,

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and sometimes, knowing when the limits

are, but inviting in new information

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so that it can come out, because when

we are able to come out, just like what

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she has even mentioned about her one

child today, it might actually rethink

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your personal journey towards not only

developing yourself, but also the best

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version of everyone else around you.

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But with that, let's go to the episode.

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Alright, we're here with Dr.

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Lulu.

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Doctor!

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Thanks for sharing your

heart with us today.

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Dr. Lulu: Thank you so much

for having me on the show.

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I appreciate it.

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Joshua: Absolutely.

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I appreciate you taking some time

out of your very, very busy schedule.

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I am really excited that you're here.

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We were just talking about that before you

even started about many of the things that

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you got going on, and I really appreciate

you carving this out, but before I

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even start with my first question, I

want to tell you, thank you so much for

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your military service to our country.

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It's very much appreciated.

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Dr. Lulu: Thank you.

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I only did four years and I got out,

but there were four good years, and

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I showed up every day with my full

chest, like we say in Nigeria, so it

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was fun while it lasted, and then,

sometimes it's time to move on, so I am.

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Joshua: Absolutely.

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It is always time to find the

new adventure, but nevertheless,

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those are four years that you

sacrificed, so I appreciate that.

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Dr.

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Lulu, I really want to dig into actually

you being Nigerian born, and then coming,

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and living in the United States and

even serving in the military, so I was

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wondering if you could talk a little bit

about your background at a high level,

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and kind of what led you into living

in the United States for that matter.

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Dr. Lulu: I think I was probably, I

don't know, born a rebel; the first

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grandchildren of many, very, very many.

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My grandfather had eight wives, and I

don't know how many children, because many

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of them also passed away with childhood

illnesses and stuff, and I just happened

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to be the first one, and I was raised by

my parents who are Catholic; traditional

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Catholic, but my dad was also a little bit

more enlightened Catholic, even though he

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was still a Catholic, but he kind of let

me push boundaries a little bit, so I grew

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up not really having too many boundaries

when it comes to my imagination, or what

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I want to do with myself or my time,

so with that as a backdrop, I wanted

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to become an architect, and then my dad

was like, "Well, maybe you should do

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something more feminine, like pharmacy."

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I'm like, "Why?", and he said, "Because

your cousin is a pharmacist.", but

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my cousin who is a pharmacist has

a big sister who is a physician.

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Why would you pick the pharmacy?

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I was like, "Well, if I'm

going to do anything medical, I

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might as well become a doctor."

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He was like, "What?"

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I said, "Yes."

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He's like, "Oh.

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I'll double dare you."

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I said, "Okay!"

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You could triple dare me,

and something like that.

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It was a conversation that was fun

and daring, and now it's like, "Wait.

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If I'm not going to become an architect,

and I become a physician, I didn't

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really want to become a physician.

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I don't think I like blood or anything

like that.", and then I fell in love

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with pediatrics and then I became a

pediatrician, so I think sometimes you

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don't know who you're going to become,

or what's going to come out of something.

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I just moved here.

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I don't know, under a month ago, and

I was having a conversation with the

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people at the front desk today, and

believe it or not, when I moved here,

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I looked at this beautiful apartment,

and I said, "They have more than 500

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employees here, and I'm a life coach.

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It's a freaking buffet, but how

do I tackle it?", and so I told

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her, I said, "I have an idea.

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I'd like to offer life coaching

to the residents.", and she

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was like, "Let's do it!",

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Joshua: Wow.

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Dr. Lulu: So the secret about it is, I

read somewhere on Instagram, they said,

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'It's not so much in people believing what

you're saying, is people believing that

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you believe what you're saying.", and so

I learned, I was like, my mind was blown.

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I was like, "Wait.

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What?", and so I told her, I said,

"I would like to teach you CPR

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to the residents, those who have

children.", because a Nigerian

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musician called Davido lost his child.

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The child drowned in the pool, and nobody

could do CPR, but that was an idea, and

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she was like, "Whatever you want to do.

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No one's ever asked.", and one

of the things I learned as I

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became an entrepreneur is to

just always ask for what I want.

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The worst answer I'm going to

get is "no.", and no means next

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opportunity, or next one, but

you know, the funny thing though.

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Many people say yes.

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Too many people say yes.

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I have more people saying yes to me

asking, even though I read this book

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called Go For No, and I'm usually

going for no, and so now when they

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go for no, I'm just like, "Okay.

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Let me just get the no out of the

way, because I know that there's a yes

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waiting.", and so I've always been like

that, so growing up, I was kind of like

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that; not as much as I am now, because

that there's something that comes with

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getting older, and I said to you, when

I turned fifty 5 years ago, I ran out

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of fucks to give, so when you get older.

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You also become bolder.

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There's this musician called

Sade Adu, who is half Nigerian.

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When she turned 40, she was

interviewed, and they said,

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"What do you think about life?"

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I was, I don't know, maybe, I don't know

how old I was when I read that interview,

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but Sade said, "I don't think life gets

better, but you get better at life."

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I was like, "Wow!", so I know that as

I've gotten older, I've gotten better

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at life, at my life at least, I have now

decided I'm going to live for me, and

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I'm going to dance to the beat of my own

drums, and however they beat, if I make

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a mistake, I'm going to live with it.

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Do I want to make a mistake?

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No, but if I make one, I just own it,

and move on, and so I think growing up

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in Nigeria, in a country that was very,

very patriarchal, a lot of misogyny, a

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lot of child marriage, religious, all the

things, homophobic to say the very least.

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Someone like me who read a lot;

I just was a ravenous reader.

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I was always teleported to a different

place, a different time, a different

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imagination, and that is where I

found my future self as a traveler.

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I knew then, when I was a little

girl in my father's house in

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Nigeria, I knew that there was a

bigger world, because I read a lot.

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I read comic books.

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I read newspapers.

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I read stories.

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I read geography, whatever.

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I just read, read, read, and I knew

that there's a bigger world out there,

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and it's for me to go conquer, and so,

even though I didn't know how, it didn't

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matter, and that's why I believe in the

laws of attraction, because I didn't

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know how, but I didn't need to know how.

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I just needed to know what.

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What is it that I want, and I think

that's what I love about coaching.

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What do you want?

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How do you want to feel

about what you want?

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Let's go get it.

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Let's go get it.

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Joshua: I want people to go get

it too, so I feel like we have

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that commonality with that.

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Yeah.

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Dr. Lulu: No, no, that's fine, but

that's how I ended up coming to America.

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I told my dad, I said,

"I want to go to America.

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Did you know that in America,

you only have to do residency

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for three years, as opposed to

Nigeria for seven to eight years?"

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My dad was like, "Really?

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But you don't know anybody in America."

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I said, "I know, but residency is

three years in America.", and so

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my dad and I went back and forth,

and then my dad said, "Okay."

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I think he said, "If you raise half

of your ticket fare...", something

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like that, "I'll let you go."

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I raised three quarters.

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Joshua: Wow.

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Dr. Lulu: But that was after I had

taken the exams and passed and gotten

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accepted to come and do residency at

Howard, and that's another day's story.

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You don't have enough time on this show

for that, but I did mention it in one

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of my books, the World Women Project.

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I talked about that in that book,

but anyway, the point is I've

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been dreaming big for a while.

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I've just always just had a very ravenous

imagination and I'm grateful to my parents

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for allowing me to imagine, to dare,

because I know that there are many girls

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who were born in the same country as mine

who got married off at 13, and had babies,

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and their life changed, but I went to high

school and I went to college and then I

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wanted to come to America soon enough,

so I got here within the first three

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years of graduation from high school.

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I did my residency.

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I got married.

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I still had a wild imagination.

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It was just bigger than my

ex-husband, bigger than my ex-wife.

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It was just bigger.

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I just knew there was a bigger world,

and so finally, I told the kids,

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I said, " When the baby goes up

to college, I'm going to move from

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Texas.", and they're like, "Mom!

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Where are you going to go?"

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I said, "I don't know.

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San Diego."

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That's what I said, and so everybody

knew San Diego, and then last

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July, I came to Atlanta for a

mastermind and I discovered Atlanta.

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I was like, "Wait.

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What?"

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I've been coming to Atlanta

my whole life, and I've never

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been here as an entrepreneur.

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I've been here as a wife, as a mother,

as a friend; all the things: for a

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wedding, for a funeral, but I never

came as an entrepreneur, and I saw

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the possibilities, and I said, "Guys.

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Guess what?

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I'm moving to Atlanta."

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They're like, "Mom, wait!

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What about San Diego?"

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I said, "Fuck San Diego.

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I'm moving to Atlanta.", because

I went to San Diego, I spent three

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weeks, I saw two black people, and

I came to Atlanta and I spent three

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weeks and I saw all their cousins.

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Joshua: Yes.

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Dr. Lulu: So I said, "Okay.

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Atlanta is where I need to go,

because they're black people, but

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also because of the work that I do."

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Joshua: Mm-Hmm.

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Dr. Lulu: I'm a life coach.

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I'm a parent coach.

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I work with parents of LGBT kids.

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I am LGBT.

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My kid is trans.

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I was like, "I need to go to a place where

there are lots of black people, period.",

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and then Atlanta has a lot of gay people,

but I really want to go for parents,

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so I think it's a great combination

of humans, and so I'm in Atlanta, so I

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moved here, and that's how I got into

this chair that I'm sitting right now.

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That's a broad overview of the story.

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Joshua: Well, I love that you took us on

that adventure, and I purposely did it

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so that you had that time to expand it,

because I know that coming from another

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country, first off, I don't have any

experience doing that, and I've told

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you that too, like, Pennsylvania born

and raised, and many of my listeners

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know that too, but being able to have

that different perspective, first off,

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you bring in something that for many

people, it blows my mind sometimes,

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because it's really cool to see, "Hey!

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This is how I've been raised.

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This is what I was taught.", but

other people don't get to see that,

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or understand that for that matter,

and how that creates the opportunities

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that we have, but then you say, "Oh,

well, I've been moving around, and

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then I finally found where I need

to be.", and that's something in

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itself that some people can't say.

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We sometimes get stuck in where we are

at, and we don't want to do anything

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about it, but with you saying that,

"I just create those opportunities."

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I'll tell you.

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There are people that don't want to

create those opportunities, because

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they don't even know what the first

thing is to say, so I'm wondering-

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Dr. Lulu: But the danger, the danger of

that is not listening to your inner child.

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I really believe in my heart

that I gave myself permission

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to retire from medicine at 52.

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All my friends were like, "Wait.

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What?"

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I said, "Listen.

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I said I was going to practice

medicine for 30 years.

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It's 30 years.

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That's it.

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Any other job after 30 years, you've

done a good job, so why do I have to keep

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practicing medicine?", and everyone's

like, "Wait, so what are you going to do?

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So you're just going to throw

away medicine?", and I realized

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that it's their own fears.

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It's their own fears that they're holding

onto, because they cannot imagine a world

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without being doctors, but that's on

them, and that's okay too, but I just know

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that as I saw patients for 30 years, I

saw pediatric patients every single day.

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I knew that I had a bigger world than the

little office that I was practicing in.

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I just knew that there's a bigger world.

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I just knew it.

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It was just deep in my heart, and I

was reading this book recently by P.

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J.

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DiNuzo, who says, "If you want something,

you need to harness the feeling of a

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small child on Christmas morning, every

day about that thing, and then the

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universe will go crazy, trying to put

all the things in the right place to make

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it happen for you.", and so, why not?

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I told the kids, I said, "Listen.

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I'm moving when the baby goes

off to college.", and the baby

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went off to college, and I moved.

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Now, I didn't move right away,

because their father passed away

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the day after he graduated from high

school, so there was a little damper

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in the plans, and I was like, "Okay.

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I'm going to wait six months, and

then I'm still going to move."

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At one point, I almost didn't want to move

again, and then my kids are like, "Mom!

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Listen.

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You've wanted to do this for so

long.", so that's also the power of

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telling the right people your dreams.

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It just so happens to be my own children

who are just as radical as I am.

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I raised them to be radical thinkers.

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Not necessarily extroverted like

I am, but they have me in them,

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so I know they will take decisions

that people will be like, "Wait.

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What?", but I give them permission

by giving myself permission, and

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so my children were like, "Mom.

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You've wanted to do this for so long.

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What do you mean you don't want to

move anymore?", and I was like, "Well.

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Your dad died."

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Our dad was going to die.

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From all my limiting beliefs, they're

like, "Well, he was going to die anyway."

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He had cancer, and all those things,

but the point is that they did not

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allow me to think myself out of it,

and that's what I want to talk about.

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A lot of people think

themselves out of it.

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Joshua: Yes.

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Dr. Lulu: And so if you look around your

room right now, everything you see was

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somebody's thoughts, somebody's idea,

that they did not think themselves

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out of; whoever made this cup, whoever

made the size of this cup, whoever made

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the cup with the shape, whoever made a

mouse, who made a mouse pad, they found

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the solution to a problem, and they did

not think themselves out of it, so why

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should I think myself out of my idea?

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I see myself speaking in

front of 10,000 people.

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I've seen that for a long time.

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I'm wearing mustard colored pants.

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I don't own mustard colored pants,

but I see clearly, so what I do

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is keep on doing what I'm doing-

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Joshua: Mm-hmm.

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Dr. Lulu: Because the

universe will show up.

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Joshua: It will.

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Dr. Lulu: Show up.

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Joshua: It will, but it's something

you said about radical thinking, so

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how do you become a radical thinker?

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I mean, you taught this with your

kids, so how do you do that yourself?

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Dr. Lulu: You truly just honestly

have to get out of your own way.

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If you get out of your own way, nine

times out of 10, that equals radical

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thinking, because someone who is

called a genius today, yesterday was

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a crazy person, had a crazy idea.

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It was crazy when Galileo said, "The

earth was round.", and then suddenly,

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became a scientific genius, right?

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That's exactly what Beyonce's

husband said the other day.

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They first call you crazy, crazy,

crazy, then they call you a genius.

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Joshua: Yep.

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Dr. Lulu: But do you call yourself a

genius, or do you stay thinking that

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you're crazy, because I do know that

a lot of times the words are the words

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we've been told when we're children;

the words we've been told as kids.

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I get that, but then do you

keep on believing it, and

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then, you stunt your growth?

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I think, honestly, since moving here,

I wish I had done it sooner, and we

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almost always end up saying that, "Oh!

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I wish I had done it sooner."

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"I wish I had believed in myself sooner."

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"I wish I had moved sooner."

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"I wish I hadn't stayed in that

marriage a little bit longer,

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because it wasn't working out."

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:

Whatever the thing is, if you want it

with that want, that need of a small

337

:

child on Christmas Day, go for it.

338

:

Go for it now, because

you're not promised tomorrow.

339

:

You're not promised tomorrow.

340

:

Joshua: Well, and I even made

this remark, you being on TEDx,

341

:

I've had people on that stage.

342

:

I've had people that have done all

kinds of different types of interviews,

343

:

but you've been on CBS This Morning.

344

:

You've been on Oprah Daily, you've been

able to be in the Washington Post, NBC,

345

:

all these different places, you've been

able to advocate exactly the radical

346

:

thinking that you're talking about here.

347

:

Do you think that there is a need in

today's world to have this sort of fire,

348

:

because I don't know, for me, personally,

like I've worked with clients thus far.

349

:

I told you like I'm just a budding

individual compared to what you have

350

:

accomplished, but I have noticed, even

in some of my interactions, that some

351

:

people just don't know what that means

to be able to advocate, talk about

352

:

yourself, sell yourself, be willing to

get yeses instead of no's, and even if

353

:

you got the no's to keep moving past that.

354

:

I mean, do you think that we

have a self confidence crisis, or

355

:

what kind of crisis do we have?

356

:

I don't know.

357

:

I mean, maybe crisis is

too much of a strong word.

358

:

I'm throwing a lot at you there, doctor,

but I feel like there might be something

359

:

here that you're saying that is so

important that people are not recognizing.

360

:

Dr. Lulu: I mean, that's a lot of

questions, a lot of words in succession,

361

:

but I think you will always get

100 percent "no" if you don't ask.

362

:

That's a sure no, and what you've

done by not asking is answering on

363

:

behalf of the person, whether it's the

universe, or your father, or your child.

364

:

If you don't ask for what you want,

you're 100 percent going to get a no.

365

:

If you ask for what you want, you

might even get a yes; however,

366

:

comma, sometimes the answer is no.

367

:

Sometimes the answer is not yet, and I

say that, because, if I hadn't maybe done

368

:

some things I've done in the past, I may

not be doing the things I'm doing now.

369

:

Advocating for my child is a no brainer.

370

:

My child is transgender,

for goodness sakes.

371

:

I was at the Georgia Capitol

talking to the senator about it.

372

:

I was at the same Georgia Capitol,

testifying in front of the House

373

:

of Representatives, so not everyone

is going to be a radical thinker.

374

:

Not everyone is going to be an activist,

because even the best activist needs

375

:

what we call king makers, or the

wind beneath their wings, or the

376

:

people who are fanning their flames.

377

:

Everyone has their own role, and

so for me, it's not about everyone

378

:

becoming a radical thinker.

379

:

I just need you to believe your own

thoughts, and get out of your own way,

380

:

and then you can call it what you like.

381

:

You don't have to call it radical.

382

:

That's a choice of word that I

used myself, but somebody else

383

:

might not think it's radical.

384

:

I just think it's radical,

because I think it is.

385

:

I stand at the very weird

intersectionality of Nigerian born

386

:

queer; that makes me obviously black,

physician, mother of a transgender

387

:

young adult, who is also affirming.

388

:

There are many, many Nigerian

physicians who are not queer.

389

:

There are many, many Nigerian

physicians who are queer.

390

:

There are many, many Nigerian physicians

who are not queer, but their parents

391

:

are queer kids, and there are many

physicians who are not affirming.

392

:

I just happen to be all of those things,

and I'm also affirming, but it helps

393

:

that I happen to be a pediatrician,

so I know a thing or two about

394

:

paternal or maternal acceptance and

support of any child, we're not even

395

:

talking about LGBT, just any child.

396

:

I know the power of an affirming

parent, because I'm a pediatrician,

397

:

so maybe not everyone has to be

radical, but I just want everyone to

398

:

remember what you wanted as a child.

399

:

Go for it.

400

:

When I was young, I used to use a pen

to be like a microphone, or hairbrush

401

:

to them, so I've always wanted to speak,

and so maybe not necessarily sing, but

402

:

I can sing a tune or two, so what is

it that you wanted to do as a child?

403

:

What happened to that dream?

404

:

Where is it?

405

:

I loved writing, so it makes sense

that I've written seven books.

406

:

I'm just saying.

407

:

It's whatever you like to do, do it.

408

:

I had a radio show when

I was in San Antonio.

409

:

It was called The Parent Hour.

410

:

In that radio show, the only qualification

was you have to be a parent, but the

411

:

only condition to come on the show is

you cannot talk about your children,

412

:

and it was so hard for these parents."

413

:

"What am I going to talk about?"

414

:

I said, "I don't know, but you're

not going to talk about your kids.",

415

:

and then we start talking about,

"What did you want in high school?

416

:

What were you like as a young adult?",

and then they're like, "Oh my God.

417

:

I used to love knitting.",

or, "I used to love whatever."

418

:

"So, what happened to that

when I had kids, and then, what

419

:

are you telling your children?

420

:

Who are you telling them to be If

you cannot be all of the things

421

:

that you want it to be?", you know?

422

:

Joshua: Mm.

423

:

Dr. Lulu: So it's just a matter

of rethinking and un-learning,

424

:

right, and then learning.

425

:

A lot of people say unlearning,

and then relearning.

426

:

That's actually incorrect English.

427

:

If you unlearn something,

you should not relearn it.

428

:

You unlearn something, and then you

learn, so it's a new information.

429

:

"Re" means you are doing again.

430

:

Joshua: Yes.

431

:

Dr. Lulu: So it's not unlearning

and relearning; it's unlearning,

432

:

and then learning the correct thing.

433

:

If your child says they're transgender

and you don't know, you ask questions

434

:

so you can unlearn what you thought

you knew, right, and then you can

435

:

learn the correct information.

436

:

You don't relearn what you thought you

knew, because you're basically back

437

:

where you were, so it's just a matter

of giving yourself permission to be all

438

:

that you can be, and that, in and of

itself, will give other people permission

439

:

to be also all that they can be.

440

:

Joshua: Dr.

441

:

Lulu.

442

:

How do you learn, or how do you get

parents or even others to learn, how

443

:

to accept children, especially if they

feel that they're transgender, that

444

:

they are going through, and they're

trying to learn what their identity is.

445

:

I feel that there is so much hatred

as it comes to this that I hear

446

:

all the time, and it's sad for

me, and I'm not even transgender.

447

:

I'm not gay or anything like that, and I

affirm you being that you're an advocate

448

:

for it, too, but how do we get over

this cycle of people not understanding,

449

:

and being able to understand that

there are differences like that.

450

:

Is there any advice you can give to

my listeners as it relates to that?

451

:

Dr. Lulu: I mean, we just

talked about learning.

452

:

You just learn.

453

:

Now, that said, I'm not

here to save everyone.

454

:

Even Jesus said that.

455

:

Jesus said, I am a physician,

but I've not come to save those

456

:

who do not want to be saved.

457

:

I'm not going to incinerate

myself to become a martyr.

458

:

No!

459

:

I'm not going to do that.

460

:

I'm here for those who actually want to

affirm their kids, and want to know how.

461

:

I'm not here for those who do

not, if that makes any sense.

462

:

8 billion people on Earth, which

is 800 million million, right?

463

:

I'm not trying to save all of them.

464

:

There's always been hatred on this Earth.

465

:

There's going to continue

to be hatred on this Earth.

466

:

Everyone gets to choose how

do they want to show up.

467

:

Do you want to show up

with hatred, or do you not?

468

:

Everybody has the wherewithal to

choose that, so if somebody chooses

469

:

hatred, I'm not going to try to

teach them to not hate, because no!

470

:

I get to choose who I want to

work with, and I think that's

471

:

a beautiful thing about life.

472

:

In today's world, I get to choose who

I want to work with, and it's okay if

473

:

I don't want to work with someone, just

because I don't want to work with them.

474

:

Now, if the parent wants to

affirm their child, great!

475

:

This is a good thing, then let's

talk about that, and so my first

476

:

question usually is, what are your

thoughts about the queer community?

477

:

What are your thoughts about

being a parent of a queer child?

478

:

Where did you get the information from?

479

:

If you got information from your pastor,

who is a homophobe, that's incorrect

480

:

information, because just like you said,

you're not trans, and I'm not trans.

481

:

I am cisgender all day, so when I tell

someone that I'm cisgender and they

482

:

don't accept it, that's not my problem.

483

:

You see that?

484

:

Joshua: Yeah.

485

:

Dr. Lulu: That's their problem, and so

if I told you I'm transgender and you

486

:

don't accept it, that's not my problem.

487

:

That's your problem.

488

:

Everybody's whoever they were born to be.

489

:

I love the movie Rustin.

490

:

In the movie Rustin, the gentleman

said, "The day I was born black was

491

:

the same day I was born homosexual."

492

:

The kids didn't become transgender.

493

:

They've always been trans, and if you

ask a transgender person today, they

494

:

will tell you, "I've always known.

495

:

I knew when I was two.

496

:

I knew when I was three.

497

:

I knew when I was four, but I

didn't understand it.", and so in my

498

:

second TEDx talk, I make a case for

rethinking the closet; inviting in,

499

:

versus coming out, and I tell parents

it's not enough for you to say, "I

500

:

want to understand what's happening.

501

:

I need to understand.", because,

sometimes, your child doesn't

502

:

understand what's happening, but

it's okay for you to be in the know.

503

:

I want you to just be okay with knowing

that this is what your child is, and then

504

:

educating yourself about it, as opposed

to, "You're not who you say you are."

505

:

You can't tell me I'm not who I am.

506

:

You just truly cannot, and that's all

about control, and patriarchy, and

507

:

colonization and all that, you know.

508

:

Just because people are doing

it doesn't make it right.

509

:

Joshua: Yes.

510

:

Dr. Lulu: Slavery was practiced

for so many years, and there are

511

:

people who believe that slavery

was good, and they defended it with

512

:

the Bible, so just because they're

doing it, doesn't make it right.

513

:

Joshua: It doesn't.

514

:

It doesn't.

515

:

Dr. Lulu: So we all have the ability

to know what's right from what's not,

516

:

and the ability to unlearn and learn.

517

:

You get to choose, and

we've all made decisions.

518

:

We know how to make decisions.

519

:

You made a decision to

come on this podcast today.

520

:

You decided to start a new podcast.

521

:

You decided to buy headphones.

522

:

We've been making decisions our

whole life, so when you say,

523

:

"I don't know.", that's a lie.

524

:

Joshua: And I don't regret it.

525

:

Dr. Lulu: Yes.

526

:

That's your brain offering you a way

out, and I don't know is never an answer.

527

:

Joshua: It's always about having

that curiosity to be able to learn

528

:

and unlearn whatever it is, because

you need to be able to just be

529

:

able to have that growth mindset.

530

:

I say that so many times, even my clients.

531

:

It's about growth.

532

:

It's about not accepting that

this is the answer today.

533

:

It doesn't have to be

that answer for all time.

534

:

Dr. Lulu: Yeah, and that's why I

said to you, I mean, as a coach, you

535

:

know this, is all about our thoughts.

536

:

Joshua: Yes!

537

:

Dr. Lulu: Our thoughts create our results.

538

:

Our thoughts create our feelings, they

create our actions, they create our

539

:

results, so, my first question goes back

to, what are your thoughts about the queer

540

:

community, and what are your thoughts

about being a parent of a queer child?

541

:

The answer lies there.

542

:

The answer lies there.

543

:

If your thoughts about the queer

community is that they should burn

544

:

in hell and die, well, there you go.

545

:

That's why you have this situation.

546

:

If your thought about being a parent of

a queer child is that, "All your friends

547

:

are going to run away, and woe is me."

548

:

You're making it about you.

549

:

You should be making it about your child.

550

:

If your child had autism, or epilepsy,

or retinoblastoma, you wouldn't

551

:

be like, "Well, I don't know.

552

:

My pastor said....", It wouldn't be that.

553

:

You'll go and investigate and learn

everything you can about that.

554

:

I'm asking you to do the same

thing for your child, and so my

555

:

brand new practice is called Dr.

556

:

Lulu's Pride Corner, so in that practice,

it's a family focused, gender and

557

:

sexuality affirming, coaching practice

because I learned from my youngest child.

558

:

One day, he said, "Mom.

559

:

You do know I went from a big

brother to a big sister, right?"

560

:

I said, "Yes."

561

:

He said, "You never talk about that."

562

:

I said, "What do you mean?"

563

:

He said, "We never talk about my

journey.", and I forgot that when

564

:

my eldest child is transitioning,

the whole family is transitioning.

565

:

It's a family affair.

566

:

We're all transitioning, and so my

youngest child also had to transition,

567

:

and so now I decided I won't be

working with just parents anymore.

568

:

I want to work with the whole family, and

if I can't work with the whole family, I

569

:

can just educate people and still have a

lucrative business just as an educator,

570

:

just like coming on podcasts and just

teaching people about the basics of LGBT.

571

:

What do those terms mean?

572

:

What does it mean to be two spirit?

573

:

What is genderqueer?

574

:

What is gender identity, versus

gender expression, versus

575

:

sexuality, versus sexual expression?

576

:

What do all those things mean, and

because, a lot of times, ignorance

577

:

is the reason that we are afraid.

578

:

We don't know what it means.

579

:

You can look it up, of course.

580

:

Joshua: Yep.

581

:

Dr. Lulu: I can also teach you, and

they say, "Smart people learn from

582

:

their mistakes, but smarter people

learn from other people's mistakes.", so

583

:

you don't have to do what I did and be

unaffirming, because I already did that,

584

:

and the truth is it's anybody's game.

585

:

One of the things I say is every

black, transgender adult was a black

586

:

transgender child hiding in plain sight.

587

:

I'm obviously biased towards

black kids, because I'm black.

588

:

My kid is black, and I'm a pediatrician,

so my focus is on kids, but also

589

:

my hyper focus is on black kids.

590

:

No one is talking about black kids, so

I'm going to talk about black kids, and

591

:

so they used to hide in plain sight.

592

:

We didn't know who they are,

because gender identity is

593

:

a very personal journey.

594

:

It's this deep, internal sense of self.

595

:

You, alone, know your gender identity.

596

:

No one else does, and so a lot of

people will remain transgender in

597

:

silence, and never tell anybody,

because it's just not safe.

598

:

Joshua: No.

599

:

Dr. Lulu: You don't believe

me, look up Nex Benedict.

600

:

If you don't believe me, look up

every single black trans woman

601

:

who gets killed every single day.

602

:

My daughter is a black trans woman,

so don't even ask me why am I a

603

:

radical like this, because my child-

604

:

Joshua: Yes.

605

:

Dr. Lulu: Could be next.

606

:

Joshua: Yes, and I appreciate you

not only creating that context, Dr.

607

:

Lulu, for others to be able to

have that discussion with you, but

608

:

to also educate just like you did

to me, along with our listeners.

609

:

Dr.

610

:

Lulu, we're out of time, but

before I wrap up- I know.

611

:

I know it was such a good conversation,

and I really would have kept going

612

:

with it for sure, but I want to

give you the last few moments.

613

:

. People are interested, you

have a business called Dr.

614

:

Lulu's Coaching and Consulting

Lounge, maybe you can share a little

615

:

bit about where they could access

that, how they could get in contact

616

:

with you if they're interested

in continuing this conversation.

617

:

I'm going to give you the last

few minutes to do all of that.

618

:

Dr. Lulu: Well, I appreciate that, so Dr.

619

:

Lulu's Coaching and Consulting Lounge

is a big umbrella company, and one

620

:

of the branches is the Allies In

White Coats where I help physicians

621

:

become culturally compassionate

allies for their LGBTQ patients,

622

:

especially the transgender patients.

623

:

Another branch is my ABC Connection,

which is Ally Bridge Connection, where

624

:

I help organizations support parents

of gender diverse kids, parents of

625

:

LGBT kids, because they're coming for

us and calling us groomers, right?

626

:

They're coming for us, and

then, of course, there's Dr.

627

:

Lulu's Pride Corner, which is

the practice, which is a coaching

628

:

practice, so all three of them

are in my website, dr-lulu.com.

629

:

I'm also a speaker.

630

:

I do media, and education, and all

that, so I would love for them to go

631

:

there, check out the website, and fill

out the contact me form, and we'll

632

:

contact you, and then we can start

the conversation, so dr-lulu.com will

633

:

be one place, one stop shop, and of

course, there's also social media.

634

:

There's my Facebook.

635

:

I have a Facebook group, all kinds of

things going on, but all my websites

636

:

you can pretty much get everything.

637

:

Joshua: Awesome, and I'll put all

that in the episode notes in case

638

:

my listeners do want to check

that out, but I have to tell you.

639

:

I feel more informed tonight, and I

feel like I am empowered by a little

640

:

bit more of understanding that I need

to unlearn, and then I can learn so

641

:

many different things, and I think

that's so important, and you're

642

:

sprinkling the pixie dust right now.

643

:

I just see it because that's what I

feel like it is for me, so thanks.

644

:

Dr. Lulu: Think about it though.

645

:

You cannot build a house without

first excavating the dirt.

646

:

That's the unlearning part, and then you

pour in the concrete as the foundation, so

647

:

that's the learning part, so you have to

do the un-learning first, and what you're

648

:

un-learning is what I call untruths;

untruths, and I came up with that acronym.

649

:

My first name is Uchen, and my last

name is Ume, so it's U squared, so I

650

:

use this U squared method is un-learning

of untruths so that you can learn,

651

:

which is my middle initial is L, so I'm

going to put everything to that now.

652

:

Joshua: Well, with all those

initials, thanks so much, Dr.

653

:

Lulu, for being on

Speaking From The Heart.

654

:

I really do appreciate

our conversation today.

655

:

Thanks for sharing all that

insight to me and our listeners.

656

:

I really appreciate it.

657

:

Dr. Lulu: No problem.

658

:

Joshua: Again, I want to thank Dr.

659

:

Lulu for being part of the show,

and sharing her expertise, because

660

:

there's so much that we can unpack

and if I had more time with Dr.

661

:

Lulu, I would have certainly given it

to her, because there were so much that

662

:

we had that really explains a lot of

different concepts, a lot of different

663

:

opportunities to get your voice heard

out there, and even with some of the

664

:

things that she did talk about, we

can easily dive into one of these

665

:

subjects, especially being of cultural

significance, and digging into why it's

666

:

so important to speak from the heart.

667

:

I've always believed on this show

about the importance of being

668

:

able to see multiple viewpoints.

669

:

Many of my listeners, long

term, have understood this.

670

:

They have really followed along, and

for those people, I want to thank you

671

:

so much for being part of this, but for

many of you that are joining for this

672

:

episode, I want you to know that for Dr.

673

:

Lulu to express her background, to

understand why it's so important to

674

:

be accommodating of other people, is

something that I really want to touch

675

:

on with this wrap up of today's episode,

because how you're raised, how you grow

676

:

up, those are all different types of

considerations that we need to have.

677

:

It's allowing us to push forward,

when sometimes, it's not very

678

:

easy for us to have that level of

engagement, to have that consideration

679

:

of connecting with each other.

680

:

Do you know what it means to

feel like we're connected?

681

:

Do you understand what it means to

get involved with someone, especially

682

:

if they do have different types

of things going on in their lives?

683

:

Maybe it is having a

child that is transgender.

684

:

Maybe they are confused about

what's going on in their life.

685

:

Believing in what you're having to

say, though, in order to move forward,

686

:

being asked what I want, is simply

what we really want to hear, and Dr.

687

:

Lulu's story certainly exemplifies

the fact that sometimes

688

:

we don't have that voice.

689

:

We need to find that voice.

690

:

We need to be able to speak up,

and many of my recent episodes in

691

:

my monologues even talk about the

importance of being able to feel like

692

:

we are connected with each other.

693

:

Sometimes we do need to live by ourselves.

694

:

We have to beat to our own drum.

695

:

We have to also be teleported into

different types of planes of existence

696

:

by being able to read, listen to other

podcasts, travel to new countries,

697

:

new adventures that we can have.

698

:

Many of my earlier guests, even some of my

international guests, quite squarely put

699

:

it on our laps of why it's so important to

be able to have that different worldview.

700

:

That's what creates the law of attraction,

and why we are so interconnected with

701

:

each other, and I think that even

with what we had to talk about today,

702

:

it allows us to see what the limited

potential we have if we just stick in

703

:

our own mud, and only look at what we

have surrounding ourselves, instead of

704

:

looking at the bigger, broader picture.

705

:

Sometimes for people like that, it means

that we often have disgusting comments

706

:

about what we might have towards each

other, and regardless of what you might

707

:

say about that, it means that then,

you have to figure out what are some

708

:

of the ways, especially with people

that have those differing views, that

709

:

we can encourage them, we can engage

with them in a more polite manner.

710

:

Who is helping you?

711

:

Who is that circle of influence that is

allowing you to see your inner child?

712

:

To see the ways in which you once

viewed the world, because if you

713

:

were able to view the world with

curiosity, especially with what some

714

:

of my recent guests, including Katie

Santoro, talked about, would allow us

715

:

to keep pushing that needle forward?

716

:

It will allow us to harness what we

can believe will make a difference

717

:

in so many other people's lives, but

we have to challenge the status quo.

718

:

For many, many hundreds of years,

thousands of years that humans have

719

:

existed, you have to understand that many

different types of schools of thought have

720

:

existed on how we can become a radical

thinker; how we can speak to ourselves

721

:

through different types of conversations;

how we can get out of our own way; how

722

:

we can make sure that we keep on growing

means that we have to radically shift what

723

:

our thought pattern is today to change

and encourage what the future can hold.

724

:

Now, it doesn't mean that you have to have

this extreme opinion, but it does mean

725

:

that maybe you can start thinking about

ways in which you can tolerate others.

726

:

It doesn't mean that you have to stoop

to a lower standard, nor am I encouraging

727

:

you to take the beating that some

people like to give when it comes to not

728

:

having that great thought, perspective,

or any other type of visionary

729

:

activity that they think is visionary.

730

:

No, no, no.

731

:

Stop yourself right there.

732

:

Sometimes they are not ready to have that

kind of radical thinking, and that's okay.

733

:

It's okay to take a step back.

734

:

Being able to understand what

we're actually looking at first.

735

:

Asking those bold questions.

736

:

Having that curiosity to challenge the

status quo, but also, learning how we

737

:

can become the best versions of ourselves

by learning how to think differently,

738

:

but it starts with being practical.

739

:

It means that we have to practice.

740

:

Maybe it means going back to our

childhood, finding the curiosity, being

741

:

able to understand what we wanted to

be, and then getting back to square one,

742

:

so we can build ourselves up to square

ten, one hundred, square one thousand,

743

:

regardless of what that level is, we

can get there, but we get to choose,

744

:

and I had to say that to a client a

number of months ago that I had that

745

:

didn't quite understand that they did

have the choice to make a conscious

746

:

decision on how they handled a situation

that was very personal in nature.

747

:

We get to choose what we get to work with,

who we affirm our thoughts with, whether

748

:

we have certain spheres of influence that

allow us to show up, every single day,

749

:

and beat to our own drum, as even Dr.

750

:

Lulu alluded to early on in our

interview, but we have to have the

751

:

invitation to come in, and sometimes we

need to also have the invitation from

752

:

others to come out, and I think that

even coming out, even with what Dr.

753

:

Lulu had to experience for herself,

and even for others, means that we

754

:

don't have to always feel criticized,

condemned, or complained, because we

755

:

had something different on our mind.

756

:

It doesn't mean that we have an excuse

to be cheated on, trashed on, shitted

757

:

on, regardless of what you might feel

about somebody else, or what they might

758

:

be thinking, it doesn't give you free

will to walk all over them, because they

759

:

had a different thought than you and boy,

oh boy, in this ever contentious debate

760

:

season that we're in, especially in the

United States, I can understand why some

761

:

people just completely go silent, why they

don't want to participate, and why it's

762

:

so important for them to just be excluded,

pretending that they're never there.

763

:

Is that really helping the bigger

cause that we need to have as a

764

:

society, as a culture as a whole?

765

:

Sure.

766

:

Many of you might be packing up your

bags, leaving for another country.

767

:

Maybe you're going to go to a secluded

part of the United States that isn't

768

:

settled yet, and trust me, there

are plenty of those types of places

769

:

if you're willing to find them, but

your personal journey, and how you

770

:

move forward, depends on whether you

want to run away, being scared of

771

:

what change looks like, or you really

are curious, and want to investigate

772

:

what truth really might look like.

773

:

That's what I find so interesting

about our interview today is that

774

:

truth is in the eye of the beholder.

775

:

It doesn't mean that even

my truths align with Dr.

776

:

Lulu's, and by all means, it

doesn't mean that I'm giving

777

:

her any disrespect whatsoever.

778

:

I really do trust that she believes what

she is preaching, and it doesn't mean that

779

:

I always have to agree with what other

people, let alone my guests, have to say,

780

:

but can we be a little bit more tolerable?

781

:

Can we be a little bit more understanding

of why that is so important to them?

782

:

Can't we just open the floodgates to the

types of conversations that we should be

783

:

having, instead of nitpicking, condemning,

putting down, throwing away all the

784

:

different types of progress that we have

made in this world, whether it's been

785

:

something of cultural significance or not.

786

:

Why can't we just learn from our past

mistakes, learn how we can be better

787

:

people, political animals, as the

late Aristotle would put it, so that

788

:

we can have a more thriving society

instead of condemning each other?

789

:

Especially when it comes to the

transgender debate, I will never

790

:

understand why we have to create that

hate in this ever changing world,

791

:

because that is not making progress.

792

:

That's not changing anything.

793

:

It's making us revert back to our old

cavemen, cavewomen days of not even

794

:

respecting each other in the first place.

795

:

I think Dr.

796

:

Lulu has a point.

797

:

I believe that in order for us to

move forward, not only do we have to

798

:

live for ourselves, but we also have

to also challenge the status quo.

799

:

If we can challenge that status quo, if we

can be able to consider all the different

800

:

things that we can learn and foster and

develop, and we can even challenge what

801

:

has always been, quote unquote, the way

that we've always done these things,

802

:

well then I think that we can create

the biggest difference in the world.

803

:

We can be the radical thinkers.

804

:

We can change what our society looks like.

805

:

Sometimes, it's not ready for that kind

of change, but we can start to practice,

806

:

just like a small child practices, when

they first learn that when they put

807

:

their hand over fire, it burns them.

808

:

Well, my friends.

809

:

The fire is here, and you're letting

it burn you over and over again

810

:

when you don't believe in the power

of thoughts, and for those that

811

:

do believe in everything that I'm

trying to say, be the advocate.

812

:

Be the leader that stands boldly outside

of your comfort zone, and is willing

813

:

to say that it's okay to think this

way, but let's grab a cup of coffee.

814

:

Let me understand why you think

that, and answer some questions

815

:

for you that might be able to

help you move that needle forward.

816

:

We have to be more curious, and I

think that by being more curious, we

817

:

can choose who we want to work with.

818

:

We can choose how we can move forward.

819

:

We can choose who we invite in and

who comes out, and we can be the

820

:

private investigators of our lives to

challenge what we have as the ultimate

821

:

destiny, not only for our culture

and society, but for our future as

822

:

well, so join me in that adventure.

823

:

Let's grab that cup of coffee.

824

:

If you don't believe in anything that Dr.

825

:

Lulu said, or even some of my other

guests, let's have that conversation

826

:

today, because trust me on this.

827

:

I believe in you, and what you have to

say, but if you don't believe in what you

828

:

can potentially hear from others, and get

them to help you become the best version

829

:

of yourself, well, maybe you will be stuck

in where you are right now, but it doesn't

830

:

mean that I don't disagree with you.

831

:

It doesn't mean that I don't like you.

832

:

It just means that maybe I'll

just be a little bit more

833

:

patient until you're ready.

834

:

That doesn't mean that there's

an invitation to hurt you,

835

:

discriminate, or even put you down.

836

:

My door is always open,

because just like in Mr.

837

:

Rogers Neighborhood, I'm always

welcoming of all people, all backgrounds,

838

:

regardless of where you're at.

839

:

You're always welcome, even if

I have my red vest shirt on.

840

:

I will always have some water, coffee or

tea, soda to help you, to even refresh

841

:

you, and maybe a small little bedtime

snack, because this is a safe place,

842

:

and this will always be a safe place

for everyone to help challenge and

843

:

become the best version of yourself.

844

:

Thanks for listening to episode

number 156 of Speaking From the

845

:

Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

846

:

Outro: Thanks for listening.

847

:

For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

848

:

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

849

:

Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

850

:

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

851

:

See you next time.

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