Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

Laura and Xhafer put their four episodes' worth of Crusade knowledge to the test. Meanwhile, the Excalibur crew explores an abandoned world with absurdly placed data crystals. Galen confronts the Technomages' dark past and Gideon asks: "What's in the box?" in Crusade: Episode 10 - The Memory of War.

Hello and welcome to Who Are You?

2

We're the Babylon 5 watch cast by a

couple of former strangers who are

3

now friends and still getting to know

each other over one of their favorite

4

shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

5

I'm Laura.

6

Xhafer: And I'm Ja'far.

7

Laura: And today I think we have a quiz.

8

Xhafer: We got a little quizzy do.

9

Laura: Yay.

10

I'm so excited.

11

All right.

12

About a show I've only

seen four episodes of.

13

Xhafer: Yeah, this is a

Crusade specific quiz.

14

And I haven't read all of the

questions, but my screen has up

15

through number three and it's about

an episode we haven't watched.

16

So I'm not expecting us

to do particularly well.

17

The average score is 13 out of 20.

18

Laura: That sounds tough, too.

19

Or maybe it's a show problem.

20

Xhafer: this quiz was last

21

Laura: Who was

22

Xhafer: way too recently.

23

Laura: Well, you know, maybe that

was somebody's pandemic thing.

24

Like, maybe they got into Babylon 5

and hit Crusade real hard, and then

25

they had to go update some shit.

26

Xhafer: Yeah.

27

okay.

28

I got, I'm going to read

some questions here.

29

This first one I already know the answer

for because I did all the planning.

30

So it's how many episodes of

crusade were filmed and aired.

31

Laura: Filmed and aired.

32

They're not the same number, right?

33

Xhafer: You're correct.

34

But the number of aired episodes

was only five in America.

35

I'm assuming that this was

done by someone not in America.

36

Laura: Oh, okay.

37

Xhafer: In which case the number

of filmed episodes was 13, which is

38

Laura: Yeah, I was gonna say

it's 13, but only 5 aired.

39

Okay.

40

Xhafer: Yeah, our options

are 11, 16, 13, and 8.

41

So, we're gonna go

42

Laura: We got this.

43

We got that one.

44

Xhafer: The first five episodes

filmed were the last five aired.

45

Now, this is in not production

not DVD order, right?

46

Laura: huh.

47

Xhafer: And the answer to this is yes.

48

Laura: was just a yes or no question?

49

Xhafer: a yeah, it's a true or false,

um, and I'm pretty sure it's a yes

50

because I remember there being lots

of complaints about the show's quality

51

dipping after it aired and the first five

episodes produced being the strongest.

52

And one of the advantages of

the watch order we've chosen

53

is it breaks up those episodes.

54

Laura: Yeah.

55

Yeah.

56

Yeah.

57

Okay.

58

I could see that.

59

Knowing,

60

Xhafer: Racing the Night.

61

Galen quotes a phrase from the

Bible and Gideon identifies

62

this book this quote comes from.

63

What book is it?

64

Solomon?

65

Job?

66

Judges?

67

Or Song of Songs?

68

I'm not a Bible person.

69

Is Song of Songs a book of the Bible?

70

Laura: I'm not sure.

71

I know there's the Song of Solomon,

72

Xhafer: Yeah.

73

Laura: heard.

74

Xhafer: There's Psalms.

75

I know that's a book of the Bible,

but that's not, that's with a P.

76

That's not what this is.

77

Laura: yeah, but Psalms are

songs, like, yeah Song of Songs.

78

I'm just going to pop

that in the old Google.

79

Yeah, no, that's, that's a

book in the Bible, apparently.

80

Xhafer: a book of the Bible?

81

Okay.

82

Laura: Yeah, I really wish I knew context

about the episode, because I feel like

83

there's, like, Job is referred to often,

so, and there's like the struggles of

84

Job and whatever, so I, I don't know,

I'm just going to go with that one.

85

Xhafer: I will take your word for it.

86

Laura: I have no context of what the

episode's about, so I can't really go

87

any closer, but I, people love to talk

about the Book of Job, so, why not?

88

Xhafer: yeah.

89

Alright, what is the name

of the ship in Crusade?

90

Is it

91

Laura: Oh, there's the Excalibur!

92

Xhafer: it's the Excalibur, yeah.

93

But our options are Crusader,

Antares, or the Rotaran.

94

The Rataran being a Klingon

bird of prey, if memory serves.

95

Laura: Yes, yes.

96

I forget which series it's from, but yeah.

97

Xhafer: Which Babylon 5 TV movie

provided the backstory for Crusade?

98

Laura: Call to Arms, we've

been through that, yeah.

99

Xhafer: Okay.

100

In the episode, The Well of Forever,

which is not one we've watched, Galen

101

says a eulogy for his dead beloved.

102

Part of what he says is a

quote from a Shakespeare play.

103

Which one?

104

Our options are Romeo and Juliet,

Sembeline, Hamlet, or Othello.

105

Laura: Can't be Hamlet, right?

106

Xhafer: That would be a weird choice for,

107

Laura: would be weird, too.

108

Xhafer: well, so it is a eulogy though.

109

Laura: Okay,

110

Xhafer: So, I mean, I could see a little,

is the last poor Yorick, is that Hamlet or

111

Macbeth?

112

Laura: hamlet.

113

Xhafer: Okay, yeah, so that's the

one about death being is death

114

an endless slumber to, or is

it dream and heaven and stuff?

115

Like, there's stuff in there that I

could see in that monologue that you

116

might, if you're, if you're Galen,

you might work into a eulogy.

117

Laura: I really want it to be that,

and I want it to be that speech, but

118

I want it to be him talking about,

I'm assuming a beloved woman, some

119

sort of beloved, and him just saying,

Alas, poor so and so, I knew you well.

120

Xhafer: Do we just want to say Hamlet

121

Laura: Yeah, let's go

with Hamlet, why not?

122

Xhafer: Okay, well, speaking of

that person, what is the name

123

of the person Galen is mourning?

124

Isabelle?

125

Susanna?

126

Ernesta or Morgan?

127

Laura: I really want it to be Ernesta.

128

I don't think it is though.

129

Mm,

130

Xhafer: I'm disappointed.

131

Laura: mm hmm.

132

You think the beloved is a techno mage?

133

Xhafer: Oh, it's Galen.

134

It has to be.

135

Laura: Mm, okay.

136

I mean his parents were,

so I could see that.

137

I think, I'm feeling

Susanna for some reason.

138

I don't know why.

139

Xhafer: You thinkin that uh, Dark Tower?

140

Maybe.

141

Laura: I don't know.

142

Xhafer: Alright.

143

What crusade regular was 5?

144

We talked about this the other day.

145

They haven't shown up

yet, but it's Lockley.

146

He's in the main credits.

147

Laura: Give me some more Lockley.

148

Xhafer: what is unique about

Lieutenant John Matheson?

149

Laura: Telepath.

150

Xhafer: Yeah.

151

Laura: Cheekbones.

152

Xhafer: Cheekbones.

153

The other options are Technomage,

Blind, or all of the above.

154

Laura: Yeah, a blind techno mage telepath.

155

I love it.

156

Yes, give me that guy.

157

Xhafer: Which actor had his

father play a major guest

158

character in one of the episodes?

159

Laura: Oh, was it

160

Xhafer: We just talked

about this on the Discord.

161

Yeah.

162

Galen's actor Peter Woodward

is one of the options.

163

The others are David

Alan Brooks, Daniel A.

164

Kim, and Marjean Holden.

165

Laura: Yeah, we didn't clock

it in that episode where he

166

Xhafer: We didn't, but the

Discord saved us on this quiz.

167

Laura: Yeah, thanks Discord.

168

Xhafer: Thank you!

169

How many years does the crew have

to find a cure to the drach plague?

170

Laura: Five, right?

171

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

172

Laura: They have a five year mission.

173

Xhafer: Um, which character

has a sister trapped on Earth?

174

Hmm.

175

Laura: Sarah Chambers.

176

Xhafer: Correct.

177

Our doctor.

178

whose ex wife do we meet in

the course of the series?

179

Laura: Probably Sheridan's.

180

Xhafer: Right?

181

Well,

182

I

183

Laura: technically,

184

Xhafer: Yeah, he's not on the list though.

185

We've got Galen, Captain Gideon,

Lieutenant Matheson, or Max Eilerson.

186

Laura: feel like Max Iverson

has got to have an ex wife.

187

Xhafer: A string of ex wives that, in

that guy, you can tell he's the type.

188

Laura: Yeah.

189

Yeah.

190

Gideon might too, but Max Eilerson,

I don't know that any one woman could

191

put up with that for her whole life.

192

Jesus Christ.

193

Xhafer: Speaking of Max

Eilerson, what is his specialty?

194

Laura: Linguistics.

195

Yeah.

196

Xhafer: Yes, that is one of the options.

197

Cooking, painting, and navigation

were the other choices.

198

Laura: mean, he could be

good at cooking and painting.

199

We just don't know at this point.

200

Xhafer: We got 5 questions

left, we're on 15.

201

Well, I guess 6 questions left then.

202

When Galen visits Darina in her

quarters, he asks her why she

203

has made everything so small.

204

What is her reaction?

205

1.

206

She attacks him.

207

2.

208

She laughs.

209

3.

210

She tells him to leave her

quarters and never return.

211

Or 4.

212

She's made everything the right size.

213

She tells him she's made

everything the right size.

214

Laura: I mean it should

definitely be number three.

215

This man should turn around and

go away and never come back.

216

But I feel like maybe it's number four?

217

I don't know, this is a weird question.

218

Xhafer: It is.

219

What sci fi series is the episode

Visitors from Down the Street a spoof of?

220

Is

221

it Star Trek, Babylon 5, Lost

in Space, or The X Files?

222

Laura: I feel like it's gotta be

like X Files or something, right?

223

Like,

224

Xhafer: That seems right.

225

Laura: this is a very

X Files y kind of show.

226

Like, we're a lot more mysterious.

227

Xhafer: Yeah.

228

Um, How did Gideon come to be in

possession of the Apocalypse Box?

229

Laura: Okay, we need to talk about

the Apocalypse Box, but that is

230

the end of this episode, my guy.

231

We have to save it.

232

Xhafer: Yeah.

233

I didn't know that's what

it was called, but here

234

Laura: I think that's what it is, yeah.

235

Xhafer: It has to be it.

236

Uh, Did he win it in a game of poker?

237

Was it given to him by his father?

238

Did he steal it, or did he

find it on a deserted planet?

239

Laura: It's probably a

deserted planet, like,

240

we're going to a lot of

those for some reason, yeah.

241

Xhafer: Yep.

242

Which Babylon 5 character appeared in

the episode, Each Night I Dream of Home?

243

Was it Garibaldi, Delenn,

Veer, or none of these?

244

Laura: I mean, it could be Lockley.

245

Xhafer: I, I think it's none of these.

246

Because I, well, um, I'm pretty sure

we know, Call to Arms is the last

247

thing Jerry Doyle did in Babylon 5.

248

I remember that being a thing.

249

Laura: Okay.

250

Xhafer: I don't remember D'Len

or Veer showing up in Crusade.

251

I know Veer

252

Laura: Has directed.

253

Xhafer: but I don't think he

shows up in episode I don't

254

recall D'Len showing up either.

255

Laura: Okay, so let's just say none.

256

Xhafer: I think that might be

the episode that Franklin is in.

257

But

258

Laura: okay.

259

Xhafer: I'm not certain.

260

Laura: Alright, go with none.

261

Xhafer: we're

262

Laura: You've convinced me.

263

Xhafer: Complete the quote.

264

There's always hope.

265

It's the one thing and then our options.

266

You can rely on nobody's

figured out how to kill yet.

267

I truly believe in or that all races,

alien, and human have in common.

268

Laura: It's either that one, or the

one thing we haven't killed yet.

269

Xhafer: I

270

Laura: it to be that one.

271

Xhafer: I like it that one, yeah.

272

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

273

Xhafer: And uh, what was the

name of the last script completed

274

for the show, but never filmed?

275

Laura: Oh, we have that, right?

276

Thank you.

277

Xhafer: We have this.

278

Appearances and Other

279

Deceits, uh, which is a filmed episode.

280

End of the line.

281

Tacking into the wind.

282

Or the changing face of evil.

283

Laura: Well, you're the one

who has it, so you tell me.

284

Xhafer: I don't remember.

285

Laura: Oh no, crap!

286

Xhafer: Um, I, end of the

line seems appropriate.

287

It's probably not, but

we'll, I'm gonna hit submit.

288

Are we good with these answers?

289

Laura: I'm great with all these answers.

290

Let's find out how we did.

291

Xhafer: Okay.

292

Oh, we did good.

293

Laura: Yeah?

294

Yeah, better than average?

295

Xhafer: We got 16 out of 20.

296

13 is the average score.

297

Laura: Oh

298

Xhafer: so the ones we got

wrong do you want to know?

299

Because they're spoilies.

300

Laura: that's fine.

301

Xhafer: The Shakespeare

quote comes from Cymbeline.

302

Laura: Okay.

303

Sure.

304

Xhafer: Care no more to clothe and

eat, to thee the reed is as the oak,

305

the scepter learning psychic must,

I'll follow this and come to dust.

306

All lovers young, all lovers must,

consign to thee and come to dust.

307

Laura: Okay.

308

Xhafer: Uh, And that was

for Isabelle, not Susanna.

309

Laura: Damn.

310

Okay.

311

Xhafer: Um, and then, how many

years does the crew have to

312

find a cure for the Drak Plague?

313

Four.

314

Laura: What?

315

Xhafer: we s The Drak Plague

takes five years but they only

316

have four years to find the cure.

317

Laura: Oh, cause you gotta

like, manufacture it, I guess.

318

Xhafer: Apparently, after that,

Gideon promised the alien government's

319

Excalibur will return to Earth in

order to enforce the quarantine.

320

And it quotes an episode

that hasn't happened yet.

321

So, I don't feel bad about

getting that one wrong.

322

Laura: Yeah, no, me neither.

323

Xhafer: And then finally, how

did Gideon come into possession

324

of the apocalypse box?

325

Laura: Oh, do tell.

326

Xhafer: We got it wrong.

327

I don't Um, I don't know

that I'm going to tell you.

328

It,

329

Laura: though.

330

Okay, listener.

331

The apocalypse box.

332

Did you watch the episode, listener?

333

Because the, the highlight of

this whole episode for me was at

334

the end, when Gideon sits in his

quarters and talks to his magic box.

335

But I think that the episode

where he gets the magic box was

336

never filmed, is what Eryn said.

337

It

338

Xhafer: no, it's, it's episode

four, the path of sorrows,

339

Laura: Oh, okay, okay.

340

Xhafer: we will be watching as our second

episode back after the movie break.

341

Laura: Okay.

342

Xhafer: So we won't find out for until

Oh God, that episode airs September 11th.

343

But.

344

That's when we'll find out where

the apocalypse box comes from.

345

Oh, no,

346

Laura: Oh, I can't wait to see

347

how

348

Xhafer: frame it in these very

specific criteria, it feels very bad.

349

Laura: so excited.

350

We get

351

Xhafer: Well, we've got a lot of crusade

to talk about before we get there.

352

So, why don't we get started on that?

353

We've got our fourth episode of

coverage, the tenth episode in

354

DVD air order, the memory of war.

355

Laura: a great in media media open.

356

More

357

Xhafer: I love it in media media.

358

Laura: It's one of my favorites.

359

We get the ISN news

lady we've seen before.

360

She's talking about we've got economic

collapse due to this pandemic.

361

That checks out.

362

That seems legit.

363

Orbital transport has been banned.

364

We talk about Pope Bernadette II,

which I feel is a very optimistic

365

view of how things are going

to go for the Catholic Church.

366

And Dr.

367

Franklin is appearing before the

Senate to, to presumably talk

368

about the pandemic and stuff.

369

Xhafer: The crew has found a planet

that looks like it got plagued.

370

Laura: Hmm.

371

Xhafer: But, Before they can

start to investigate, Galen

372

shows up to warn them off.

373

That they're all going to die, probably.

374

Laura: Where's Galen been?

375

Cause I didn't realize he was gone, but

you know, these episodes are not in like

376

Xhafer: Yeah, he comes and goes.

377

Uh, He, he boards the ship

in a sequence that I can only

378

describe as Zoolander esque.

379

Laura: yes, there is a little

Zoolander energy about this man.

380

Xhafer: Yeah.

381

Laura: I like it.

382

Xhafer: They, the senior staff meets

to discuss this planet as Galen is

383

dramatically walking in, in what has to

be the smallest boardroom in history.

384

Like.

385

They have infinite basketball

courts, but not a meeting room

386

that has a seat for Galen.

387

Laura: Yeah.

388

Well, you've got to have your priorities.

389

Like basketball courts, very important.

390

Meetings, not important.

391

Could have been an email.

392

Yeah.

393

Xhafer: You know, that's so optimistic.

394

I really appreciate that, actually.

395

Laura: Yeah.

396

They make it sound like they have been

looking for this planet specifically,

397

like something in a previous episode.

398

was leading us here.

399

But Galen is not happy with it.

400

He doesn't think anyone will

survive if they go down.

401

Xhafer: But it doesn't matter, because

the uh, the crew's going anyways.

402

They're excited to learn what they can.

403

I mean, they take this from a

very, like, measured approach.

404

Like, well, We can learn what didn't work.

405

That might be helpful both in

managing, like, the population

406

and the crisis on Earth, and then

also, like, the plague itself.

407

Like, there's more to learn

than just, possibly, like, a

408

potential lead on the cure.

409

Yeah.

410

Laura: we come back from Thiem.

411

They're talking about how this planet

was wiped out by the same virus.

412

Mm hmm.

413

Or appears to have been wiped out

414

Xhafer: A similar virus, some,

some type of similar virus, yeah.

415

Laura: Mm hmm, yeah.

416

Galen is being very sassy.

417

And so we're still in new uniform

territory in this episode.

418

And I know I gave them a lot

of shade in the last episode.

419

Maybe they look better now.

420

I'm It's growing on me.

421

I'm okay with it.

422

Xhafer: Yeah.

423

So, I think because it's episode eight

in air order that got the new uniform.

424

So, anything after that is

gonna be the new uniform.

425

So, we're gonna be in new uniform

land for a while and then with

426

our watch order, we go back to

old uniforms towards the back end.

427

Laura: Yeah.

428

I knew it was going to be weird, but

I'm like, okay, it's growing on me.

429

I like it better.

430

Gary Cole's doing his

best to fill that thing.

431

Xhafer: Yeah.

432

Yeah, it doesn't feel as Galaxy Quest

when it's actually being worn by everyone.

433

And also, his is a little

different because he's got

434

that, like, captain motif.

435

It's a little different, so.

436

Laura: Everybody's gotta,

like, have a little extra

437

pizzazz on the captain, right?

438

Xhafer: If you're the captain

of a starship and you don't have

439

an action jacket, are you even

the captain of the starship?

440

Laura: Great question.

441

Yeah.

442

So Max Eilerson is all enraptured

by the idea of all this new alien

443

technology that might be down there.

444

Xhafer: hmm.

445

Laura: But Galen is still being very

weird and says all the Technomages

446

know this place is bad and diseased.

447

Ooh, haunted maybe, you

448

Xhafer: Yeah, ooh, this place sucks.

449

Don't go.

450

Why are we doing this?

451

This is dumb.

452

Laura: Yeah, he says the last Technomage

who tried to go to this place died.

453

Xhafer: But fuck it, the

crew are going anyways.

454

And uh, They will uh, Try To, at the

very least, learn something here.

455

Laura: Eylerson is an idiot, though.

456

His logic.

457

As he preps his whole team to

go down, is stupid and bad.

458

Xhafer: Yeah.

459

This is just the dichotomy here, of

like, Eilerson's all like, I'm bringing

460

y'all with me so they have to rescue me,

and Gideon being all like, here's what

461

happens if I go down, here's the plans.

462

You're captain.

463

Laura: Yeah, Eilerson sucks.

464

Xhafer: Yes.

465

Laura: and he was all mopey in

the last episode about getting

466

somebody killed, you know?

467

And he's like, nah, you two

peons are coming with me.

468

Nevermind the danger, like, and

he gets the one of them killed

469

in this episode, doesn't he?

470

One or

471

both.

472

Xhafer: Mm hmm.

473

Laura: God, he sucks.

474

Xhafer: He is the worst.

475

Before they head down, Galen shows up

in Gideon's quarters to try and guilt

476

him into not going because he'll miss

them and making new friends sucks.

477

Laura: No, but that's real.

478

Xhafer: So real.

479

I feel, I felt, so felt.

480

Laura: It's so hard.

481

Oh, man.

482

Yeah, but, yeah.

483

Xhafer: Uh, He shares

the uh, The last words.

484

Genius Loki, the spirit of the place.

485

As Gideon and crew grab some mobile

infantry and head on down to the planet.

486

Laura: Galen disappears in his, like,

traditional Technomage mysterious

487

way, and we have, like, some

space wind, and I really, really

488

missed, at this moment, the lens

489

Xhafer: Uh,

490

Laura: I needed those, so we could

have some, some tinkling of the, the

491

wind chimes as he space winds away.

492

Mmm.

493

Xhafer: they launched all these probes

early in the episode and when they get

494

down to the surface they found that

they're charcoal now for some reason.

495

It is never explained.

496

Laura: Yeah.

497

And no one is worried that the virus

could still be active here in some way.

498

Like, I guess maybe the

probes told us that.

499

I don't know.

500

Xhafer: Darina explores and

finds a cool light bridge that

501

leads to the most inconveniently

placed data crystal in history.

502

Laura: Yeah, what is going on here?

503

Like, why is this there?

504

Or are they all Is everything

just in the blockchain?

505

And you just, like, take one

piece and you've got it all?

506

I don't know.

507

Xhafer: That is not, you know what?

508

Fuck it, that's how

blockchain works, nevermind.

509

Nevermind.

510

Laura: I just want it to be okay.

511

It's the cloud blockchain, but yeah,

it's like on the side of a building.

512

Xhafer: Those words don't

go together like that.

513

I

514

Laura: The look on his face as

he like dies, as I say, just

515

dumb words and put them together.

516

Xhafer: had to deal with

cloud strike yesterday.

517

Laura: I'm sorry.

518

I should have been more sensitive to year.

519

experiences.

520

Xhafer: okay.

521

It all turned out okay.

522

It wasn't that bad for

523

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

524

But like, why, why do we put this

data crystal on the side of a building

525

that is like way up in the air?

526

Just so we can have this little

light bridge, like, oh god, it's

527

gonna come up, it's gonna stop.

528

Xhafer: You know what?

529

Actually, in my notes, I questioned this

a ton, but literally after yesterday, why

530

do we push an update at 1am that breaks

any computer that's running in the world?

531

I'm not gonna ask these questions anymore.

532

Maybe this is a safe

place to hide something.

533

It's out of the range of the Wi Fi,

so Windows Update can't break it.

534

Laura: And then, What turns out to be

on it later, I think, is even more like,

535

why is this on the side of a building?

536

Xhafer: Oh, it makes no sense whatsoever.

537

Laura: yeah, it's just the worst.

538

Oh, did you catch that the

Starship Troopers helmets are back?

539

Xhafer: I did.

540

The guards maybe see something

while Max decodes the crystal.

541

Laura: Eilerson gives her

shit about bringing back just

542

Xhafer: heh.

543

Laura: uh,

544

she definitely would like to

push him off a bridge here.

545

And I'm all for that.

546

Go ahead,

547

Xhafer: Yeah, just put him on the bridge.

548

Also, why does the bridge stop working

when she pulls the data crystal?

549

Also, why does the bridge

retract instead of just failing?

550

Laura: Instead of just,

551

Xhafer: It's made of light.

552

That doesn't make any, ugh.

553

Oh

554

Laura: worse the more you think about it.

555

Xhafer: no.

556

Laura: Then we see a security guy gets

got while patrolling the perimeter.

557

Xhafer: Um, it's okay.

558

I have to, this guy gets got and we cut

back and forth with Max Eilerson, right?

559

At this point, Beth walked in the room,

560

Laura: Uh

561

Xhafer: Looked at the screen,

and goes, why is Michael Bolton

562

listening to alien Edgar Allen Poe?

563

Laura: He does have a

big Michael Bolton vibe,

564

Xhafer: And done.

565

Laura: Yeah.

566

Very astute observation.

567

Xhafer: For more critical insight like

that, listen to the coming podcast,

568

Cool Girls Don't Look at Explosions.

569

Laura: Yeah,

570

Xhafer: Coming soon from the Who Are

You family of Wahaba Her podcasts.

571

Laura: Pew, pew, pew.

572

Pew, pew,

573

Xhafer: Where pew pews are pew pews.

574

That's our slogan.

575

Laura: Yeah, I like it.

576

Xhafer: God, you can tell

it's like 11 o'clock at night.

577

Okay.

578

Laura: late.

579

Xhafer: your fault.

580

Heh

581

Laura: Yeah, so Eylerson is decoding

the last message of one of the planet's

582

inhabitants that was on the side

of this building for some reason.

583

I just want to stress that so hard.

584

Stress

585

Xhafer: It's just this alien's live

journal entry just hanging out on

586

the side of a building that is only

accessible by a retracting light bridge.

587

Also, if the only way for this thing to

be there is when the crystal is on the

588

other side, how did they put it there?

589

Heh heh.

590

Laura: So

591

Xhafer: There was no ledge over

there for them to stand on to

592

put it in in the first place.

593

Heh heh.

594

Laura: Why would, why

isn't it in your room?

595

Were you worried about somebody

finding your last will and testament

596

when everyone on your planet is dead?

597

Like, can't let anybody see my,

598

so as he's doing this, one of his

linguists also gets God to commercial.

599

So way to go.

600

I listen.

601

Xhafer: Yeah, it starts with

the screaming, and the dying.

602

Uh, They send bodies up for autopsy uh,

which the doctor performs while talking

603

to Galen, and the doctor knows that

they have all died, very differently.

604

Uh, Galen taps into the

probes uh, while Dr.

605

Chambers actually solves

the fucking riddle.

606

It's a nanovirus that is impacting

other people and making them

607

kill the less infected ones.

608

Laura: Yeah, so not the Drak Plague.

609

Xhafer: yeah.

610

And while they're looking at the

nanovirus, Galen sees a sigil.

611

Laura: Hmm.

612

Xhafer: Letting him know

the origins of this thing.

613

But yeah, Dr.

614

Chambers goes on.

615

It's the least infected who are dying

and the more infected are killing them.

616

deduces the attacks come at night

because the solar interference

617

during the day prevents them.

618

Laura: Oh yeah, the nanobots

can't function with the sunlight,

619

basically.

620

Xhafer: because it's a multi star system,

and there's a bunch of electromagnetic

621

interference that fucks with them.

622

Um,

623

Laura: analog?

624

Maybe werewolves.

625

Xhafer: Space, I was going to

say Space Vampires, because

626

they can come out any night.

627

Werewolves only come out specific

628

Laura: Oh, true, true.

629

I wasn't thinking of vampires as like

causing wanton destruction though.

630

So we've really just like merged the two.

631

Yeah.

632

Okay.

633

Cool.

634

Xhafer: he deduces that there must be a

control center broadcasting the commands.

635

Laura: Yeah.

636

Away from the sun and

any solar interference.

637

Xhafer: So he uh, heads down to

the surface to find this thing,

638

uh, and he does not let Gideon come

with him when he goes to find it.

639

Laura: Smart move.

640

If Gideon is infected and goes

down into the, away from the sun,

641

he would be a problem, right?

642

Xhafer: Exactly.

643

It makes sense, which is why when Gideon

immediately takes care of the people

644

back at camp and then goes anyways,

it's like, bro, you are the problem.

645

You are the wild card here.

646

Laura: Yep.

647

Xhafer: Ugh.

648

Galen finds the Technomage AI that's

doing all of the killing, and this thing

649

is just set on being a fucking menace.

650

Laura: Yeah.

651

There's a lot of Technomage

shade going around.

652

I love it.

653

Xhafer: Yeah.

654

This Technomage AI is the guy

who dressed up as Keith Ledger's

655

Joker for six Halloweens in a

656

Laura: Uh huh.

657

Yeah.

658

Yeah.

659

Xhafer: He's just not someone

you want to associate with.

660

Laura: Yeah.

661

No.

662

No good.

663

Eylorson back, we're like cutting

back and forth between the Technomages

664

and what's happening with Eylorson.

665

barricaded himself in a room, and now

he's got the zombies pounding at the door.

666

So, the consequences of your

own actions coming at you.

667

Xhafer: Right?

668

Doreena, who's been gone

for like 40 minutes, finally

669

shows back up to kill Galen.

670

But uh, Gideon is like, actually

completely useless here.

671

Mm

672

Laura: of completely useless,

Eilerson gets the classic, here's

673

Johnny, from his other linguist guy.

674

Breaking down his door at the same time.

675

Xhafer: Yep.

676

Galen saves the day by sacrificing

his staff to kill the AI.

677

Okay.

678

Laura: at this point, do we?

679

No.

680

Xhafer: I want to bitch about this.

681

Laura: Because he seems very attached

to this thing, but we don't know a

682

Xhafer: We get a whole monologue

about how this staff was a gift.

683

It's a source of power as a Technomage.

684

It's keyed into him, but it cancels

out other Technomage stuff, and

685

you needed a Technomage thing

to break a Technomage thing.

686

All this shit.

687

It's so important.

688

I sacrificed so much.

689

And then Darina walks in with

it 30 fucking seconds later.

690

This is the opposite of Chekhov's gun.

691

Laura: Yeah,

692

Xhafer: Uh, I'm gonna go ahead

and coin a literary term here.

693

This is Abram's Droid.

694

Thus named after the Rise of Skywalker.

695

Laura: Okay.

696

Xhafer: they set up A ton of characters

for growth through sacrifice.

697

C 3PO can like, read the Sith

Artifact if they reset his memory.

698

And he loses all of his adventures

and all of his memories of all

699

nine fucking movies, right?

700

And they're like, it's this whole thing.

701

They build you for this emotional moment.

702

They do it.

703

He reads the thing.

704

And then R2, like five

seconds later, just dies.

705

plugs in and gives him his memories back,

706

Laura: Nah.

707

Xhafer: thus undoing all of the

sacrifice that would have let

708

these characters fucking grow.

709

It never fucking mattered.

710

It is a It, like, if Chekhov's gun

is the plot device that you set up

711

early to use later, Abram's droid

is the plot device you build very

712

quickly and then make completely

fucking pointless within 30 seconds.

713

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

714

Xhafer: so much about how

important Galen's staff is, after

715

he just sacrifices it, only for

him to immediately get it back.

716

It is fucking worthless.

717

It is a waste of dialogue.

718

Laura: Yeah, this is something that, and

I was trying to give it the benefit of

719

the doubt that like, okay, maybe since

we're watching things out of order,

720

like, maybe it's been set up earlier that

721

like, Oh, the Technobage

staff is super important.

722

They didn't plant any seeds any earlier

in the episode than this, for sure.

723

And you would think that if this is the

first place it's gonna come up, you would

724

do it earlier in the episode, right?

725

Uh, But we did not.

726

And I do like Darina getting to like,

have the last word of like, I'm so

727

much fucking better than you guys.

728

Go away.

729

Like.

730

Xhafer: There's no way anyone

could possibly retrieve it.

731

And she's just all like, here you go, fuck

732

Laura: Yeah.

733

Yeah.

734

Maybe there's no way any man

could retrieve it, but she's not.

735

did we, did we talk about

how Gideon shot Darina?

736

Like I guess Gideon wasn't so infected

that the sunlight didn't totally

737

Xhafer: I mean, he could have been.

738

He could have just been so

infected that he shot Darina.

739

That's how the virus works.

740

Doesn't

741

Laura: point.

742

I thought he did it because

he was on Galen's side, but

743

that's not necessarily true.

744

Okay.

745

Okay.

746

Xhafer: Yep.

747

Very ambiguous, and doesn't matter.

748

Laura: Oh, we didn't talk about how

when this machine fucking explodes.

749

There is a giant fireball with

the Tectomages face in it.

750

Did you see that?

751

Xhafer: How absurd.

752

Laura: It's so absurd.

753

It's like, what?

754

Why?

755

Were you trying to make

me feel something here?

756

Because the only thing I feel

is laughter coming out of my

757

belly because this is hysterical.

758

Xhafer: Yeah.

759

so after all this wraps up, Dr.

760

Chambers has taken the nanomachines

and adapted it to allow it to

761

protect someone from getting

infected on earth for 48 hours.

762

Laura: Yeah, so we have like a little.

763

Nanosuit we can put on and

maybe go help people, maybe?

764

Xhafer: Yeah, you can go down there

for two days and maybe do some

765

experiments or see a loved one,

but there's a very limited supply

766

of it, so you should probably be

very careful with how you use it.

767

Dr.

768

Chambers, totally not going to

go visit your niece or something.

769

Um,

770

Laura: You should have you should

have been able to hear Ja'far's

771

eyebrow when he said, see a loved

one, because it was pretty loud.

772

That's all I'm saying.

773

Xhafer: got a lot of forehead

for them to go up on.

774

Lots of, lots of space up there.

775

Yeah, it's a bit much.

776

It's cool though.

777

Hey, it's cool.

778

It's

779

a

780

Laura: idea.

781

Yeah.

782

Maybe that can be made to work

better somehow and longer.

783

Cool.

784

Xhafer: Yeah.

785

Laura: Gideon comes by asking

Galen if he's gonna stay on board.

786

Oh, Galen has, like, little

nanobots himself that are,

787

like, repairing his moons.

788

Xhafer: Yeah.

789

Laura: So interesting.

790

Xhafer: That's very techno magey.

791

Laura: Yeah.

792

But this is when he's, like, having

his huge bum out about the staff

793

being destroyed in the machine.

794

Xhafer: Yeah.

795

We wrap this episode up with a

scene with Gideon and Gideon.

796

In his quarters.

797

Talking to what I can only

assume is the apocalypse box.

798

A chest within a chest.

799

Laura: Yeah, it's like got a glowing

thing in it, because of course.

800

Xhafer: Laura, I have to ask you.

801

Wahapa her?

802

Laura: Well now you know and I don't.

803

But this fucking magic box.

804

I was like, up until this point,

like, I was like, okay, this

805

is an okay episode, I guess.

806

And then at the magic box, I

was like, what the fuck is this?

807

What the fuck is this?

808

He

809

Xhafer: What is going on?

810

Laura: magic box that is

talking to him and glowing.

811

And I was like, well, I'm sold.

812

This, this is why we

should reboot Crusade.

813

Because I, this is so fun.

814

But the magic box also

doesn't trust Galen.

815

Xhafer: No, don't trust Galen, ooooh,

816

Laura: Yeah, why, why

can't we trust Galen?

817

I have to know.

818

Xhafer: ooooh, it's

819

a

820

mystery.

821

Hahahaha

822

Laura: and he turns on his playlist

as he's gonna like chill out and

823

fly away somewhere else in space.

824

And it is full out.

825

Of tribal beats.

826

This, this is the music they have

chosen to end this episode on.

827

Just like tribal drums.

828

Xhafer: You couldn't even get,

like, Nine Inch Nails Ghosts.

829

Like, you can tell me that that's

all Technomages ever listened to was

830

the Nine Inch Nails Ghosts albums.

831

And I would 100 percent believe you.

832

That makes perfect sense to me.

833

It's like all that survived for them.

834

It's all like, all their brains

are interested in comprehending.

835

Is, is just fucking

instrumentals from Trent Reznor.

836

It's all they want.

837

But no, we get.

838

Really weird tribal beats.

839

Laura: To theme.

840

That's the end of this episode.

841

So, Ja'far, I really want to

know how you rate this episode.

842

Xhafer: We We said one out of four.

843

Er, yeah, one out We have to pick a number

of main guns ranging from one to four.

844

Laura: Mhm.

845

Xhafer: Implying that one is the floor.

846

Heh.

847

Um, look.

848

I had fun making fun of this episode.

849

Laura: Mhm.

850

Xhafer: That does earn it some credit.

851

From me.

852

It is not a good episode, um,

but it's absurd and every, every

853

opportunity they had to do something

that makes sense they chose not to.

854

From the very start of the

episode to the very end.

855

Laura: Mhm.

856

Mhm.

857

Xhafer: And uh, Abram's droid,

as I've coined it, has been a

858

long standing pet peeve of mine.

859

So I really don't want to give this, this,

this anything, but if I do give this the

860

two out of four main guns I'm going to.

861

It is solely for the entertainment

value of our conversation, and not

862

for actually watching the episode.

863

Laura: That is the same logic that

I am applying to this, but I'm

864

giving it all four main guns firing

865

because I had, I I, was fucking

wheezing at the end at the

866

magic box and the tribal drums.

867

I could not stop laughing

for like 20 minutes.

868

I was like, I cannot wait to

talk to you about this fucking

869

magic box and these drums.

870

And that is what I'm getting out

of this show is like this stuff.

871

is bonkers.

872

Some of it is, some of it is not

entertainingly bonkers, but some, most of

873

it so far is just hilarious to talk about.

874

Xhafer: yeah, it was, it's

so funny, it's so absurd.

875

Laura: Last, the episode before

that, cause we watched, Aaron and

876

I watched these two right in a row.

877

So we had Kevin and then we had

the magic box and the tribal drums.

878

And I was just like, this is fun.

879

I love talking about

this show with my friend.

880

So it really got me.

881

This episode got me good.

882

Xhafer: Okay.

883

Well, let's hope we get something

like that out of the next episode.

884

We've got Crusade episode

11, The Needs of Earth.

885

Ben, my uh, podcasting padre over on

Last Time On uh, is gonna be joining us.

886

And uh, the episode synopsis

is succinct, even for Crusade.

887

Laura: Oh no.

888

Xhafer: Gideon conducts an illegal raid.

889

To free a fugitive with

information that could save Earth.

890

Laura: Well, we know Gideon doesn't

play by anybody else's rules.

891

Xhafer: But he gets the job done.

892

Laura: gets the job done.

893

He's like the bad boy of earth

force science exploration.

894

Xhafer: Him in jail.

895

Good old jail pipes

always gets the job done.

896

Oh, all right.

897

Well, I'm looking forward to watching,

I haven't watched that one yet, but

898

uh, I'm looking forward to watching

it and talking about it with you.

899

Laura: Yeah, it's going to be double

the fun, because there will also be Ben,

900

so Eight main guns firing, pew pew pew!

901

Xhafer: Well, let's hope so.

902

But before we get to those main guns

firing, we do have to, of course,

903

thank a handful of people who have

had an impact on the podcast that

904

are not here to thank themselves.

905

Laura: To accept their thanks.

906

Xhafer: Good answer.

907

Jeremy Siegel.

908

Thank you so much for

composing our theme music.

909

We appreciate the hell out of it.

910

You can find more of Jeremy's work

at Jeremy Siegel 42 dot Bandcamp.

911

com or on streaming services as Nuclear

Jaguar where he just dropped some music.

912

He's about to drop some music.

913

I think he's about to drop some music.

914

Maybe by the time this

airs, it will have dropped.

915

Laura: Yeah.

916

Yeah.

917

You've got some time.

918

Xhafer: Yeah.

919

Yeah, this is a couple weeks still.

920

Laura: Get it out, Jeremy.

921

Okay.

922

Okay.

923

Xhafer: to it.

924

Laura: And thank you to Angry

Duck Time Machine on Instagram

925

for our podcast artwork.

926

Yeah.

927

Xhafer: this podcast and

making it sound coherent.

928

We really appreciate it.

929

Laura: And thank you to you, the

listener, for being here with us.

930

If you're enjoying the Crusade coverage

and have Crusade thoughts, you can always

931

share them at whoareyoub5 at gmail.

932

com or uh, join our Discord

and share with the group.

933

There's a lot of fun people over

there who are really cool and chill.

934

Xhafer: It's the truth.

935

Love our Discord community.

936

Alright, we'll see you

next week, Internet.

937

Laura: Bye!