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00:02:42 Emotional Regulation

00:10:02 The Life Cycle of an Emotion

• Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to create genuine feelings of positivity.

• Rather than creating good emotions and getting rid of negative ones, we can practice emotional self-regulation and become conscious masters of our own ever-unfolding emotional experience.

• What makes an emotion good or bad is the context and our own goals and values. We regulate when we decide which emotions to attend to, when, how, and for how long.

• Emotions have a life cycle, and we can manage those emotions at any point in the cycle—before the situation, during the situation, with our attention, with our cognitive appraisal, and finally, with our emotional response. Generally, the sooner you intervene, the easier it is to modify the situation.

• Ask, “Is the way I’m thinking about this problem working for me right now?”

#CognitiveEvaluation #EmotionalOutcomes #EmotionalReality #EmotionalRegulation #EmotionalResponse #GratitudeJournal #NegativeEmotionalRegulation #NegativeThinking #ToxicPositivity #VulnerableEmotions #OneUnderappreciatedWayToGenuinelyFeelBetter #NickTrenton #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #StopNegativeThinking

coming to you from Atlanta this is the science of  self where you learn to improve your life from the

inside out the this is your host Russell  and today is Thursday February 23rd 2023.

today's episode comes from Nick Trenton's  book stop negative thinking and in this

episode one under appreciated way to genuinely  feel better we learn how to practice emotional

self-regulation so that we can decide which  emotions to attend to when why and for how long

Toxic positivity is not really about feeling  good feelings—it’s more about the desire to

feel good feelings, or even the expectation  and entitlement to those positive feelings.

It’s this unrealistic expectation  that makes encountering real life

even more unpleasant than it would ordinarily be!

If we have a vision of what life should look  like (do you catch the distorted thinking?),

then we are at risk of labeling even normal  or neutral events as “negative” when they

aren’t—they just don’t match up to some artificial  image of what we think positivity looks like.

So, we may wake up one day to a completely  normal and ordinary life, but because we are

not super energetic and enthusiastic,  our work doesn’t light a fire in us,

and we don’t happen to be madly in love with our  partners that day—we think something is wrong.

In a way, toxic positivity has an unfortunate  side effect: it makes us ungrateful.

We may be permanently dissatisfied if  we compare our lives to an unrealistic

vision of the glittering and eternal  contentment we feel we’re supposed to have.

If you genuinely want to feel happier, though  (right now, not when all your pesky problems

are solved and you are finally perfect), then  try to focus with gratitude on what you have.

It sounds too simple to work, but it does.

Start every morning with a list of five things  that you are grateful for in your life right now.

Sometimes, we already have  wonderful and positive lives—we’ve

just become desensitized to our blessings  and begun to take it all for granted.

Right now, can you think of five things that are

perfectly “ordinary” in your life  that are, in fact, wonderful gifts?

Emotional Regulation

As we become better at recognizing  negative and distorted thinking,

and as we learn to guard against fake,  unrealistic “positive thinking,” we find that

we are developing a skill that goes far beyond  positive and negative: emotional regulation.

When we are capable of emotional regulation,

we become conscious and capable masters of  our own ever-unfolding emotional experience.

We can reuse to engage in destructive or distorted  thinking, while at the same time know when to

tolerate and “hold” negative emotions, asking  ourselves what good we can extract from them.

We are likewise aware when we are feeling calm,  content, joyful, hopeful—and welcome that too,

being fully aware of how to cultivate and  enjoy those emotions when they happen.

Consider the emotion of anger.

Is anger a “positive” or “negative” emotion?

Well, it really depends.

If you’re at work and dealing  with an irritable customer,

you cannot freely express your anger  or let it get the better of you.

Instead, you have to notice the anger,

choose not to succumb to it, and  act as professionally as you can.

However, if someone in your personal life

insults you and attempts to violate a  boundary, you would feel anger, too.

In this case, though, expressing some of this  anger may be exactly the right thing—since

it clearly communicates your  limits, asserts your dignity,

and lets the other person know to back off!

Anger is a normal and natural  emotion to have in both situations.

However, in the first, it’s much less  useful to express it than in the second.

In both these cases, there is a higher  awareness that is taking control and asking,

“What am I feeling?

Why?

What is the cause of this emotion, and  what will be the effect of me acting on it?

What do I want to achieve here?

How can I help this emotion move on?”

This is the voice of emotional self-regulation.

It is not merely a case of “upregulating the  good feelings and down-regulating the bad

ones,” but rather a meat-emotion that allows  you to be aware of and take charge of your

emotional state—and then take action in a way  that makes sense for you in any given context.

So, what makes an emotion  “positive” or “negative” is a mix of

1. our own goals

2. our context

3. the values and principles we’re living by

If we are not in control of ourselves, not aware,

and not acting with a mind to our  goals and values, then even if we

feel “positive” emotions, we can’t really  be said to have mastered self-regulation.

First things first—emotional regulation  is NOT the same as repression,

toxic positivity, or ignoring how you really feel.

Rather, it’s about consciously choosing

• which emotions we pay attention to and encourage

• when we have them

• how we express them externally

• how we experience them internally

Note that there is no option to “choose  whether I feel emotions or not."

We all do!

Emotions are a fact of life.

But we do get a lot of say over  when, where, and how we express them.

We choose all the above in  relation to our goals and values.

For example:

On receiving a terrible birthday gift, “I  choose not to express disappointment right

now because I value my friendship with this  person and don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

Before heading into an important job interview,  “I choose to drastically dial up my feelings of

confidence and enthusiasm so I can impress my  interviewer because my goal is to get hired.”

During some alone time with your journal on a  Sunday morning, “I choose to explore and express

my sadness right now because I want to process  and release these feelings and grow as a person.”

Goals and values provide a framework.

Together with our awareness, they  help us decide on the intensity,

quality, and duration of our emotional response.

So, we saw that Craig was in the grips of toxic

positivity and was being emotionally  inauthentic with himself and others.

But what would it have looked like for him  to demonstrate emotional regulation instead?

Intensity – Craig could have faced his  sadness but altered how much of it to

show to himself and others  depending on the situation.

He could have allowed himself to be completely  vulnerable and expressive during therapy,

moderately open with his friends, and honest  but more guarded with his work colleagues.

Quality – “Sadness” is a pretty big emotion that  contains lots of subtler shades and nuances,

which Craig could play up or  down depending on the situation.

With his New Age yoga friends, he could express  the bittersweet and wistful sides of mourning,

but with his mother, engage more on the level  of death being an incomprehensible injustice.

With his therapist, he can focus on the raw,

unapologetic feeling of grief and  explore childhood memories of his sister.

With a colleague, he can  express a more formal sentiment.

And so on.

All these expressions are “real”—it’s  just that Craig is choosing for his

own purposes to focus on each  of them in different moments.

Duration – Craig can also put himself in  charge of how long he engages his emotions.

In conversation with a close friend, for  example, he might allow himself to reveal

plenty of vulnerable emotions, but he consciously  chooses not to let this expression go on and on.

Instead, after a few minutes, he steps out of  the limelight and allows his friend to talk, too.

If it seems a little weird to have  so much control over your emotions,

consider the fact that emotions themselves are  often short-lived and context-dependent anyway.

Remember that emotions are there for  a reason and serve a function—there

is nothing wrong with consciously stepping  in and choosing what that function should be!

Likewise, all emotions are  brought into being through

and with our cognitive evaluation and  the activation of our core beliefs.

This happens whether we realize it  or not—so why not choose the core

beliefs we want to guide this important process?

The Life Cycle of an Emotion

We can imagine that all  emotions play out on a timeline:

There is (1) the initiating event or situation,

followed by (2) our conscious  attention on that event.

This is followed by (3) our own  unique appraisal of that event,

and (4) it’s this appraisal (not the event  itself) that results in us feeling an emotion.

From there, the emotion may die  down naturally or be prolonged.

It may prompt action, or it may  get repressed and sent into “the

shadow” ... perhaps to burst free at a later time.

So, for example, you have a long-haul  flight booked for the following morning.

You make an appraisal (“I hate flying!

What if the plane crashes?”), and the resulting  emotions are anxiety, panic, and fear.

We can step in to regulate our emotions  at a few points in this process.

Here’s how it would look if you were  trying to regulate the anxiety you

faced when thinking about your upcoming flight:

Situation selection – This is  where we choose which situations

to enter according to the emotional  outcomes we can expect for doing so

(occurs before we encounter  1, the initiating situation).

In our example, this could  look like simply avoiding

situations we know will trigger and worsen panic.

We decide not to watch an episode  of Air Crash Investigation and

deliberately avoid a friend who  you know shares your anxiety and

will only work you up into a froth if you  talk to them too much before your flight.

Another possibility is that,  knowing how we’ll respond,

we avoid the trip entirely or find  another way to get to our destination.

Situation modification – This is where we choose  to change or alter the situation in some way

(this is during 1, the initial situation).

In our example, let’s say you do go on the flight.

The situation can be modified  to cause less anxiety, though.

You take a mild tranquilizer and get an aisle seat

and bring plenty of distractions as well  as air-sickness medication if you need it.

You practice breathing  exercises and calming mantras.

Attentional deployment – This is where  we choose to focus our attention on

specific aspects of the situation (this is  during 2, where we place our attention).

In our example, let’s say you do get the flight,

and despite your best efforts,  you are still anxious.

You consciously choose in that moment  not to focus on and magnify the stress.

Instead, you try to talk to the person  next to you, play an immersive game,

or try some challenging brain puzzles that  take your mind off things—you only have a

fixed mental bandwidth, and you’ll have less  available if you spend it all on another task!

Cognitive change – This is the choice  to consciously modify the meaning we are

ascribing to various aspects of the situation  (this occurs at 3, when we make our appraisal).

In our example, the thoughts surrounding  this flight might be very negative:

“You can’t avoid this, but it’s unbearable."

“You’ll probably die."

“You hate flying more than  anything else in the world."

But you can choose to make a different appraisal.

“I am being really brave facing my fears  right now,” or, “Ha ha, look at me!

Isn’t this silly fear of mine ridiculous?” or  even, “Flying is annoying and uncomfortable,

but it’s far from the end of the world.”

Response modulation – This is choosing to  change the way we respond to our emotions

physiologically, experientially, or behaviorally  (this occurs at 4, the final response).

In our example, you still may  find yourself enormously anxious.

But you can still choose how you  respond to this response itself.

Let’s say you notice your panic,  but you are compassionate about

it and accept it for what it is  without judgment and resistance.

Fearing a panic attack coming on,

you call a flight attendant and  discreetly explain the situation,

asking if there is a private place onboard you  can go for a few minutes to gather yourself.

As you can tell, the point at which  one aspect of the emotion ends and

another begins is not clearcut, but  this is not especially important.

What is important is that you are aware and  in control of the emotion as it unfolds,

and taking steps to master that emotion  at whatever stage that happens to be.

The above process may seem  complicated when laid out all at once,

but it’s rather simple to learn it yourself.

Here’s how:

Become aware

Ask yourself some of the following questions:

What am I experiencing?

Why am I experiencing it, or what came before?

Is this emotion helping or hindering me?

What effect is it having overall?

What are my goals and values in this situation?

How does this emotion play  into those goals and values?

Consider context

Emotions don’t occur in a vacuum.

They’re part of an unfolding  situation in the external

world and usually plugged into a  social and physical environment.

Look at the situation you’re in  and ask the following questions:

How does my emotion fit within this context?

Is any aspect of my situation changeable?

How?

Can I make any changes that will help me  achieve my goal or align with my values?

Modify the situation

If the situation itself can’t be changed, it  can usually be shaped and modified somewhat.

Become curious about how.

Ask:

Would it be to my benefit to  share my emotion with others?

If so, how best should I share it?

What changes to the situation would serve me  best right now, given my goals and values?

Can I remove or introduce an object, a person,  or an idea to change the dynamic in my favor?

Put your focus where you choose

Don’t just look at the situation, but look  at how you’re looking at the situation.

What are you focusing on and what  are you not paying any attention to?

Become curious and notice what’s happening  both inside and outside your head, asking:

Where is my attention primarily going?

Is this focus helping or hindering?

Would it help me to focus on something different?

What is there currently in my situation that,

if I focused on it, would help me increase  positive emotions or reach my goal?

Is there anything that can distract  me from a negative emotion right now?

Modify the way you’re  appraising the situation

The way you are feeling is a direct result  of how you are thinking about the situation.

Once you become aware of how  you’re framing the situation,

see if the following questions  can bring some insight:

Is the current way you’re thinking about  this situation helping you achieve your goal?

Can both the emotion and the  situation be looked at in another way?

Is it really that bad (i.e., have you correctly

and usefully appraised the  intensity of the emotion)?

Modify how you’re experiencing  and expressing this emotion

The way you express your emotion will have  an influence on the people around you,

your environment, and the situation itself.

Ask:

Do I want to share my experience—and if so, how?

If I don’t wish to share it, how  may I make that easier for myself?

What do I wish to change right now?

As you can see, with these questions, you  are moving along the timeline of the emotion,

looking for opportunities and  areas along the way where you

can intervene with action or reframing  that speaks to your goals and values.

You might do this before an anticipated situation,

after the situation has already played  out, or during the situation as it unfolds.

Naturally, you will have more  options the sooner you intervene.

It’s worth noting as well that it may be easier

to take control the earlier  along in the process you are.

If the emotion is well underway, you may  have to spend far more effort to modify

it than if you had carefully  avoided it in the first place.

Prevention is always better than cure.

Not every situation will have an  opportunity to make significant changes.

Some situations will vary in how much  you could possibly do at each stage.

But, if you follow the above basic process, you  are taking control of your emotional reality

and steering it in the direction that suits you  best, whatever the difficulties and limitations.

To recap:

1. Become aware of your emotion,  your values, and your goals.

2. Consider your context and see  how you are interacting with it

3. Take steps to change the situation

4. Notice where your attention  is going and make changes

5. Modify the way you’re appraising the  situation and the meaning you’re giving it

6. Take steps to change the way you are  experiencing or expressing the emotion

As a brief example:

1. You become aware that you are experiencing fear

and self-doubt after being asked to  give a presentation the following day.

You value bravery and confidence, and  your overall goal is to do well at work.

You are well liked at work and  being offered more responsibility.

Your fear, however, might cause you to  shy away from some of these opportunities.

3. You become aware of what you  can change in the situation—you

could refuse to do the presentation,  but that may create a bad impression.

4. As you prepare, you notice that  your thoughts tend to catastrophize.

You deliberately steer your focus to other  things—for example, the favorable reports

you’ve received so far and evidence from  colleagues that you are doing a good job.

5. You deliberately choose to re-appraise the  situation, going from: “This is a threatening

“I am being given  an exciting opportunity—how lucky for me!"

6. You decide to briefly confide in your boss,

explaining your nervousness and asking for a  day or two more to prepare the presentation.

You express your fear very strategically,  however, and express it only so far as to

convey to your boss that you take the  presentation seriously and want to do

it properly (rather than treating the  meeting as a mini therapy session!)

Usually, it is Step 5 that will have the most  powerful impact, so if you can remember nothing

of this process in the heat of the moment,  try to remember to ask yourself simply,

“Is the way I’m thinking about this  problem working for me right now?"

This alone will often open up  doors of insight into other

ways you can make modifications to the situation.

When we become good at  mastering emotional regulation,

we learn that our emotions  are not in control of us—but

it’s not exactly true to say that we are one  hundred percent in control of them, either.

Rather, our emotions emerge as  part of a broader situation,

and they’re caused and sustained by  our beliefs and thought processes.

Strictly speaking, we can never “control our  emotions,” but we can always take steps to

control our environment, our thoughts, our  reactions, and how we manage our emotions

both internally and externally—which  in turn will influence our emotions.

Summary

•Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way  to create genuine feelings of positivity.

•Rather than creating good emotions and getting  rid of negative ones, we can practice emotional

self-regulation and become conscious masters  of our own ever-unfolding emotional experience.

•What makes an emotion good or bad is  the context and our own goals and values.

We regulate when we decide which emotions  to attend to, when, how, and for how long.

•Emotions have a life cycle, and we can manage  those emotions at any point in the cycle—before

the situation, during the  situation, with our attention,

with our cognitive appraisal, and  finally, with our emotional response.

Generally, the sooner you intervene, the  easier it is to modify the situation.

•Ask, “Is the way I’m thinking about  this problem working for me right now?”

you just listened to the science of self this  is your host Russell thanks for being with us

today be sure to join us next Thursday for  the next episode of the science of self