How do we keep kids safe online without creating fear, shame, or disconnection?

In this important conversation, Tammy sits down with Kaylin Peete, Program Specialist at the Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI) and former educator, to discuss the growing challenges families face in today's digital world.

From social media and online gaming to AI chatbots and screen time, technology is shaping how children learn, connect, and develop their sense of identity. But while many parents worry about what their children are doing online, Kaylin explains that the real solution isn't stricter rules—it's stronger relationships.

Together, Tammy and Kaylin explore the importance of open communication, trust, empathy, and human connection in a world where young people are increasingly turning to technology for support, guidance, and even companionship.

They discuss:

• Why conversations matter more than control

• The surprising ways teens are using AI chatbots

• The risks of online grooming, bullying, and exploitation

• How parents can create safe spaces for difficult conversations

• Why curiosity works better than interrogation

• The role of parental controls and digital boundaries

• How technology impacts self-worth, identity, and mental health

• Why many children feel safer talking to a chatbot than a person

• The importance of breaking generational cycles of disconnection

• Practical ways families can strengthen relationships both online and offline

This episode is a powerful reminder that while technology continues to evolve, children still need the same things they've always needed: connection, trust, understanding, and safe adults who are willing to listen.

About Kaylin Peete

Kaylin Peete is a Program Specialist at the Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI) and a former educator. Her work focuses on helping families, educators, and young people navigate the digital world safely while building healthy relationships with technology.

Drawing from her classroom experience working with marginalized youth, Kaylin is passionate about creating spaces where young people feel heard, supported, and empowered.

Resources & Links

Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI):

https://www.fosi.org

LinkedIn:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/kaylinpeete/

Contact FOSI:

[email protected]

Call to Action

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a parent, teacher, caregiver, or anyone working to support young people in today's digital world.

And if you're interested in learning more about emotional resilience, nervous system regulation, and creating stronger connections with the children in your life, visit Tammy's resources and coaching programs.

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Welcome back.

2

Today we have with US Kaylyn Pete.

3

She is a program specialist

at the Family Online.

4

Safety Institute and a former educator.

5

She is pass passionate about

supporting young people and

6

helping families build open, honest

conversations around digital life.

7

Drawing on our experience working with

marginalized youth in the classroom,

8

I actually have a book that I wrote

and it's about dis reaching out to the

9

disconnected youth in the classroom.

10

It's all about empowering the children

with just connection and love without

11

having to single, single them out.

12

So talk about, well, let's just, I'm

just gonna jump in and, and ask you

13

a few questions, but before we get

going, what was it, your teaching

14

career that made you realize how, how

disconnected and how unsafe and how un.

15

Unconnected, I guess some

of these children were.

16

I think so.

17

I mean, I think the classroom, it provides

a specific, I guess, perspective that you

18

wouldn't get outside of the classroom.

19

And it, it helps me approach my

work today more humanistically,

20

which I think is a really important

component that a lot of people miss.

21

You know, when you teach, you

see firsthand how tech impacts

22

kids and their wellbeing.

23

I think it really gave me the

chance to see how these social

24

dynamics are playing out.

25

I taught ninth through 12th math.

26

So teaching, you know, teens

math is also just an interesting

27

journey in and of itself.

28

But you really see how technology

can open the doors for some

29

and close the doors for others.

30

Absolutely.

31

I think the biggest thing I saw is

that there is a disconnect, right?

32

So there's a disconnect between

what kids are experiencing, what

33

parents think they're experiencing,

and also kind of what educators

34

think that kind of both parties,

how, how they kind of fit together.

35

And so some of the ways that kids

were using tech, whether it was in

36

positive ways, you know, as homework

support or even negative ways, right?

37

Something kind of as bad as bullying.

38

Parents weren't really aware

of this, sometimes gave their

39

teen a phone, and that was kind

of the end of the conversation.

40

It wasn't what were you

doing on this phone?

41

What apps do you have on this phone?

42

You know, how are you

interacting with peers?

43

It was just kind of, here you go,

you're 13, you know, happy birthday

44

and we, you know, we'll, we'll talk

about this a few years down the line.

45

So it, it really is,

conversations were missing.

46

Absolutely.

47

And do you find that kids.

48

I think this is one of my biggest fears

right now is that kids are reaching

49

out and I think I just read an article

not too long ago about a kid that was,

50

or a parent that was suing one of the

ais because her child had actually

51

befriended, quote unquote, the chat GTP

and GPT, and it ended up hurting himself.

52

Yeah, because you know, because

it was like, I, I can only imagine

53

that children, they use Google.

54

Like they're talking to a person,

55

right?

56

They do.

57

And it, it's a bit concerning.

58

We actually just did some research

on this, you know, a month or two

59

ago, and we found that nearly 60%

of teens are using AI every day.

60

Right.

61

So that's a very, very large percentage.

62

And as you spoke to, some are kind of

using this as homework support or, you

63

know, for academic support and others

are kind of leaning more into this,

64

emotional aspect and so, you know,

they're creating these relationships

65

with chatbots and, you know, depending

on their age, some children, you know,

66

if they're, you know, as young as let's

say seven or eight, or as you know,

67

as old as teens, they're not able to

make that distinction that this isn't

68

a person, this doesn't have feelings.

69

And this doesn't necessarily

have my best intent in mind.

70

Especially when they're in situations

where they're in a mental health crisis.

71

And you're talking to chat.

72

That doesn't have medical training,

and so it really kind of hits a wall.

73

Absolutely.

74

I can only imagine because I see some of

the chats and I'm like, oh my goodness.

75

I guess that's the problem.

76

I guess there is that disconnect with the

human and so they feel like, especially

77

kids in these hor, not horrible, but even

disconnected lives from their parents,

78

from their teachers, from their peers, you

know, going through some kind of crises.

79

And you know, we spoke with teens,

at a community center a few weeks ago

80

when they said that when they talk

to a chatbot, it feels like there's

81

less pressure, there's less judgment.

82

And so they can ask these deep

questions or talk about these deep

83

emotions, in a judgment free zone.

84

And, you know, whether that chatbot

responds appropriately as, you know,

85

something very, very different.

86

But, you know, I think

what we're lacking is.

87

These comfortable spaces for teens

to have these conversations with

88

real people, whether that's a parent,

a caregiver, or even an educator.

89

It really shows that these spaces

haven't been created and they need to be.

90

And I remember when I was teaching, and

I taught first grade for a little bit,

91

but in the school there was always what

they called, I think they called it like

92

the safe zone or some kind of zone where

if you had a question, had a problem,

93

needed to tell somebody something,

you would go into this certain room.

94

I remember always thinking nobody's gonna

walk in that room because the minute you

95

got seen going in that room, you know,

it's almost like I was like, they should

96

have like an anonymous box and say,

Hey, meet me here, like with a teacher,

97

because nobody would walk in the room.

98

Because that's the problem is there's so

much shame and stigma around what's going

99

on in these children's lives that they

feel like they can't talk to anybody.

100

And you know, I think that's

a perfect example of how, you

101

know, the intent was there.

102

We want to create these safe spaces,

but it kind of has the opposite effect.

103

And like you said, no one is ever

gonna go in that room and so these

104

conversations aren't going to be had.

105

And so, you know, I think conversations

are what we really like to tell parents.

106

You know, if nothing else, just a simple.

107

You know, effective conversation

of what are you doing online?

108

You know, what friends are you talking to?

109

What apps do you have on your phone?

110

It kind of opens that door.

111

And so again, you don't want it to feel

like you're interrogating them, right?

112

Because if it's a team

that's not gonna work, right?

113

But just opening the door to those

conversations, you know, that's step

114

one in creating those safe spaces.

115

And that continuously builds right

as you have more and more and

116

continue to engage with your child.

117

And, turn them, literally flipped

the girl against her parents.

118

And then she, I guess he asked

for a picture and so she sent a

119

picture and then once she sent

that picture, it was all over.

120

Yeah.

121

And she was like, don't do this to me.

122

And he literally, it ended by him

saying, you did this to yourself and.

123

I like to watch the, the faces

of the kids in the room that are

124

like, wow, that that could be me.

125

That started so innocently.

126

Yeah.

127

You know, and that brings a good point.

128

You know, I think that kind of in this

space we have this struggle with, you

129

know, educating children, but trying not

to use that kind of fear-based rhetoric.

130

And so, sometimes.

131

If you don't evoke a little bit of,

worry, a child might not listen,

132

but it sounds like, from your story

that after watching that, kids were

133

like, oh my gosh, this is real.

134

This can happen and it

can happen to anyone.

135

And so it's really

walking that balance okay.

136

Of how can we meet kids where they

are and how can we get them engaged?

137

Because when you say you wanna talk to

'em about digital safety or extortion,

138

you know it's in one ear out the other.

139

So it's right.

140

Where, where can we meet

them, where they are?

141

Right.

142

And it was just kind of a, it was a

obviously something they had to do.

143

Their class was all brought in there.

144

Yeah.

145

But it is, it hopefully invoked more.

146

So then it, it was left up to the

teachers because you could see on

147

the faces of the children, like.

148

The kids that had clearly probably

sent some pictures and selfies and,

149

and so I really approached it because I

think that's the biggest thing too, is

150

approaching it with no guilt and shame.

151

Approaching it with, if this has

happened to you or you see a friend this

152

happening to you, it's not your fault,

it is human nature to respond the way

153

you did, but now let's, we, you have

to fix it because it's, it's dangerous.

154

And so whether that's creating webinars

with both parents and experts, whether

155

that's using our research to create

resources for parents, we've had

156

resources about notification app.

157

Which are becoming, more

popular now with the rise of ai.

158

We've had, you know, just digital

wellbeing, conversation starters,

159

kind of, we run the gamut of, you

know, what parents are looking for.

160

We also talk with parents

and children directly.

161

So I was speaking to you.

162

Earlier on in our conversation, we had

an event at a community center where

163

we were speaking directly with teens,

directly with parents, because we

164

wanna hear what they're dealing with.

165

Right.

166

You know, you can Right.

167

Kind of assume and try to guess,

but unless it's from the parent

168

and from the teen, you're, you're

never gonna know if you're, you're

169

solving or helping the problem.

170

And what would you say the

average screen time is for, say,

171

a ninth grader or a high schooler?

172

Yeah, it, you know, it depends.

173

The American Academy of Pediatrics,

says that it's between, I

174

believe six to 10 hours a day.

175

Yeah.

176

Which again, at first glance, there's

only 24 hours in the day and you

177

know, eight of those are sleeping.

178

So that sounds a bit, scary.

179

But I, you know, I think it's important.

180

We, we typically don't like to use

the term screen time because screen

181

time can include education, right?

182

So a lot of schools these days,

all the work is done on a laptop.

183

And so that alone can mount to like

five or six hours of screen time a day.

184

You know, maybe it's some type of, video

for a hobby that a child's learning, you

185

know, or they learning to play the piano.

186

Is it the guitar?

187

And so not all screen time is equal,

is what we like to say, right?

188

Right.

189

So I guess I'm thinking more.

190

Just the scrolling, the looking

around, the being curious.

191

I mean, my son learned, taught

himself how to play chess several

192

years ago, and I think he played

chess online 18 hours a day.

193

Every waking moment.

194

He was playing chess and teaching himself.

195

Wow.

196

And I couldn't really be angry about that.

197

I'm like, you know what?

198

He is a high school boy.

199

He could be getting in a lot

more trouble than playing chess.

200

But I also know this is the

same child that at five years

201

old was playing Minecraft.

202

Mm.

203

And when I found out that the

average age of Minecraft users

204

was 35, I was blown away.

205

Yeah.

206

Yeah.

207

I, I, I think that's a common concern.

208

I think there's a number of, similar

to Minecraft, there's a number

209

of kind of online gaming spaces

like that these days that young

210

kids kind of really enjoy playing.

211

Mm-hmm.

212

But you know, while there's this group

of young kids that play, it's also

213

a platform that's for adults, right.

214

Several of these have both adults and

young people, and so I think that's

215

when it's really important too.

216

When parents allow their child to

play these games, you really have to

217

look at what the game is, what the age

range is, and to your point, who is

218

the main group that's on this, right?

219

Because even though a lot of them have

parental controls or, certain settings for

220

kids under 18, just to be safe and just

to make sure you're covering your bases,

221

you've gotta do the research before.

222

Talk a little bit more about that,

about the online safety because.

223

A good example is I remember asking

my son, how do you have this account?

224

Like, I think he was 10 or 12 or whatever.

225

I'm like, how do you have this account?

226

Oh, I've had it for four years.

227

I signed up for it when I was

eight and just said I was 18.

228

I know also I'm more concerned

about the other people getting

229

to him than him reaching out.

230

But I think that's where.

231

I think that's where the

confusion starts, and that's where

232

the, the danger of it starts.

233

Yeah.

234

Talk a little bit about that.

235

I, I completely agree, and I think the

number one thing that we hear from parents

236

is that they're overwhelmed, right?

237

And so, for example, in your son's case,

I mean, there's probably several gains

238

that he wants to have on his laptop or his

phone, or, you know, for a teen's case,

239

there's probably several social media

platforms that they wanna have downloaded.

240

And each of these spaces.

241

Poses different benefits,

but also different risks.

242

And so for some of them, you know, it

maybe it requires, parental consent for

243

you to create an account and for others,

you know, to your point earlier, maybe

244

your son can just say that he was born in

245

And so we really like

to tell parents that.

246

The first step is always conversation.

247

Second step is parental controls.

248

And so whether that's, you know, parental

controls, let's say on, a phone or a

249

desktop, you know, that helps to, it's

kinda like the first line of defense.

250

And then second to that is the.

251

App specific or the game

specific parental controls.

252

And so I know that again, parents

are overwhelmed and to go through all

253

of these steps just to make sure a

child's safe is a little bit daunting,

254

but, you know, that's the most

kind of safe and sure way to do it.

255

Well, and I think it's, parents especially

stand back and go, they don't, a lot

256

of parents just don't understand.

257

We, they didn't have the internet

growing up, so they're, they

258

don't understand the dangers.

259

They don't understand the whole,

I mean, I was on the, the side of

260

working for a company that did human

trafficking and, and help protect

261

human traffick victims, victims.

262

But the number of human trafficked

victims that were literally

263

groomed online is astronomical.

264

And so it's, but people say,

well, it couldn't happen to me.

265

I have those controls in place.

266

I have this in place.

267

What would you say is the best way for

parents to really know that they have

268

them in place and then also kind of hold

those boundaries with their children

269

without it being a constant battle?

270

I think that that second part is

especially a bit difficult because even

271

if you have, control specific to your

household, as soon as a child hangs

272

out with a friend or as soon as they

go into a school environment, and if

273

everyone has the app and they don't.

274

So, we like to tell parents that once

they've tried an application or a

275

game and they've made the decision

that yes, this is right for a family

276

to have the conversation as to why

this is right for your family and

277

if it's not right for your family.

278

To not make it a strict boundary, but

more, this is not right at the moment,

279

you know, let's speak again at this

point in a couple months, maybe, you

280

know, to give them a little bit of

wiggle room because when you tell a

281

child no and that's it, you're, they're

typically not gonna respond well.

282

You know, make it a conversation

that bridges a gap instead of just

283

a, kind of a, a hard concrete wall.

284

And I think that's with everything,

because if kids don't feel like they

285

trust you to, to have the conversations.

286

They're not gonna have

the harder conversations.

287

And that's a typical, seemingly

easy conversation compared to

288

some of the hard conversations

that they're facing at school.

289

And I think, you know, as.

290

Kids get older when they

reach those teen years.

291

Like another thing that we like to

tell parents is to, to kind of make

292

sure that you're really balancing

this kind of control versus trust.

293

You know, I think that's really

important because it's kind of, you

294

know, completely understandable that

parents wanna lean towards, you know,

295

something that's completely controlled

when they ex experience something online

296

that's, you know, unfamiliar or risky.

297

And so.

298

We really tend to implement this

control and not give a reason as to why.

299

And again, a kid doesn't really understand

these reasons behind this control, and

300

so they just get better at hiding it

or they find ways around it and that's,

301

you know, not what you want both in

the digital space, but then also just.

302

As, you know, in-person

relationships with your child.

303

You know, I think that's

a really important thing.

304

Sometimes people like to think that

the digital world and the real world

305

are distinct, but they're kind of

reflections of each other, so absolute.

306

You know, they're very interconnected.

307

Absolutely.

308

And I can remember my kid, you know, my

daughter being like, mom, just trust me.

309

I don't trust the people

on the other side.

310

Exactly.

311

You know, and I tried to get her to

understand that, like, it's not you.

312

I know you're not reaching out looking

for 30 5-year-old men at 12 years old,

313

but, but that 16-year-old girl you're

talking to could be a 30 5-year-old man.

314

You just don't know.

315

And so what do you.

316

What answers like, I guess in

the schools, what are they doing?

317

Obviously they're teaching people about

online safety, you're working with

318

parents, you're doing that kind of thing.

319

What blocks or anything do they have?

320

Because I know there used to be, you could

barely get onto anything when you were in

321

a school, but now it's like phones are,

are part of the day and it's, it's nuts.

322

Answer is really district specific.

323

I do think that there's kind of

a wave right now towards banning

324

phones in schools, which a lot of

parents are beginning to support.

325

In the report that I was talking

about earlier, we surveyed US

326

parents, and almost 60% of US

parents support a ban in schools.

327

Because they're finding this technology

is, a bit distracting and might

328

not be conducive to kids learning.

329

So that's one thing is that some

schools are trying to remove phones.

330

Another thing is that, we talked

about this a bit earlier, is that

331

some schools are blocking ai, because

kids are not using it as a tool,

332

but, hey, write this paper for me.

333

And so it's really kind of

hurting that learning and

334

those critical thinking skills.

335

Right.

336

And then again, teachers have classroom

specific kind of tech rules and so that,

337

I guess just depends, you know, what,

how a teacher views tech either as a

338

positive thing or a negative thing.

339

I don't remember the whole story,

but I remember the parents saying,

340

I think this is ridiculous.

341

They can't have their phones on

them because if I need to reach

342

my child, your child is in school.

343

And I'm like, go back to old school

where if you needed to reach your

344

child, you called the office.

345

They went, they got you.

346

They brought their child to you.

347

Link.

348

And it was so funny, and I think I

was the only one in the whole group.

349

They were like, I think that's ridiculous.

350

And they kept saying, if my

kid needs me, if your kid needs

351

you, she can go to the office.

352

She can go, like I, I was, I was

the only one in the whole group.

353

And I, they were like,

well, what do you think?

354

And I'm like, I think I made it just fine

without a phone when I went to school.

355

Yeah.

356

You know, you bring up

a really good point.

357

I mean, I think it's a very,

very heated issue right now.

358

Mm-hmm.

359

Because you've got some parents like,

like yourself, that are like, we

360

didn't always have phones in school,

so you know, why do we need them now?

361

We did well before.

362

We can do well now.

363

And then you've got the other

half of parents that, again,

364

they make it more a safety issue.

365

Given some of the political stuff

going on right now, you know, gun

366

violence, all that stuff, I think.

367

You know, it's hard because each,

each part, you know, has some

368

validity and so it's, how do you

found, find that middle ground?

369

I know at the school that I

was working at, there wasn't

370

necessarily a phone ban per se, but.

371

When kids would come through the

front door, they would have to

372

check their phone into a pouch

and the pouch locked for the day.

373

And so the only way that they could unlock

this pouch is at the end of the day where

374

teachers put it on this like magnetic,

kind of bar and it would pop open.

375

But then kids started cutting into

the pouches and all that good stuff.

376

But you know, in theory it

was, it was an effort, right?

377

It was trying.

378

Yeah.

379

But I mean, it's, and, and you have

to trust, I mean, I was kind of one

380

of, I, and I was a teacher and I

one of one of those people that was

381

like, Ooh, when my kids go to school.

382

I try to either reinforce or undo

what was, you know, as my parenting

383

and yeah, it's definitely something.

384

But I think the big picture, and I

think going back to what we were talking

385

about is you don't want kids, kids are

going through so much right now, and

386

that's the big thing is we need to have.

387

Personable connection.

388

Like I feel like we need to rebuild

that personable connection part of it.

389

We do.

390

And I think it kind of goes back to

what we were saying that, you know,

391

when you create these relationships

with your child in the real world, it's

392

going to reflect in the digital space.

393

And so they don't have to

be too distinct domains.

394

And so it's creating that trust,

creating those conversations,

395

creating those values.

396

Understanding that that relationship

building, I mean, just as a parent, as

397

a caregiver, as an educator, I mean,

that's a crucial part, you know, to, to

398

making sure that kids trust you and that

they, you know, they grow up and that

399

they have these, you know, productive

lives that we want them to have.

400

It all begins with relationships.

401

Right?

402

And I would love to see more done in

the schools because unfortunately,

403

I mean, I come from a background

of having two very emotionally

404

unavailable or abusive parents.

405

So I didn't trust my, I would've

gone to my parents with nothing.

406

Nothing.

407

And you know, that's, I to say that's

things that get, things that be left

408

unprocessed are what do the damage.

409

Traumatic events can happen all day

long and if people are processed and

410

can deal with it and, and get it outta

their system and talk about it and

411

have trusting community or family.

412

To deal with these things.

413

It doesn't nec it doesn't have the

same impact I, in my belief, yeah.

414

It's the things that don't get processed.

415

So I agree.

416

And I think a big part of that is just

breaking those generational cycles.

417

Mm-hmm.

418

You know, I think a lot of parents.

419

Today are aware that they

wanna do things differently.

420

They almost have to do things

differently, from how they were raised.

421

And so if that intention's there,

you know, that's the first step.

422

And it's just figuring out, okay, how

do I want this to look in my household?

423

Because you know, how you were raised

generationally doesn't mean that's how

424

your children have to be raised and

how their children have to be raised.

425

Like you can be the one

to break that cycle.

426

And so I had this mailbox

and kids could draw pictures.

427

They could have their brothers or sisters

write a letter, and it was anonymous.

428

So every day we would pull out of the

mailbox and we would show the pictures,

429

but they didn't know who wrote 'em.

430

And then we would talk about it,

whether it was a question, and there

431

was some pretty serious questions.

432

And I could tell by looking at the

kids' reactions, but it was like they

433

built their own little communities

because they could see who was

434

kind of like, oh yeah, I get it.

435

You know?

436

And when we would talk about things

and, and it was really like those

437

were the connections and then we'd

do a big group hug and you know,

438

I'm like, oh gosh, none of that

would've probably gone over right now.

439

But you know what?

440

I would love to, like I always

said, I wish there was a magic

441

mailbox in every single classroom.

442

Yeah.

443

Yeah.

444

I used to bring it in when I substituted

high school and I'd be like, come on guys.

445

Humor me.

446

And they're like, oh, come on, miss me.

447

We don't wanna do the

magic mailbox for this.

448

Yeah.

449

With the stuff that they would

put in that mailbox anonymously.

450

Wow.

451

And then the class would be

like, and the empathy and the

452

compassion in those classrooms.

453

Was unbelievable because for every person

having a situation, there's nine more in

454

the classroom that are having almost a

very similar situation, but there's just

455

eight people that won't talk about it.

456

I think that's what we're missing today.

457

I think we're missing that magic mailbox.

458

And we're kind of struggling

to understand what does that

459

look like in the digital space?

460

And like what does that look

like at the classroom level?

461

It's hard because young people

today are really building their

462

sense of, identity very differently.

463

Their sense of worth, their

sense of what they value.

464

And a lot of this is happening sometimes

in broken home structures and then they go

465

online and this is amplified, by negative

kind of bullying or, negative messages.

466

And so it's, where is their safe space?

467

How do we create this for them?

468

Where do they go?

469

Right.

470

I think that's the question everyone

is trying to find but I know, it's

471

funny and I was like, my whole life

I've been kind of trying to figure

472

out how do I reach these kids?

473

And when I started my coaching and

everything, I was like, I'll write a book.

474

So I wrote a book, specifically

a guide for younger, like sixth,

475

seventh, eighth, very simply written.

476

And it was called Surviving

Alcoholic Parents.

477

Hmm.

478

And so I was like, I don't have to talk to

children about having alcoholic parents.

479

I can just talk to children about when

you need someone to talk to or teach

480

them resilience, teach them emotional

coping skills, that kind of thing.

481

But then I kind of laughed to myself.

482

I'm like, oh my God, can I, I can't

even imagine being like coming home

483

and being like, Hey mom, there's this

girl coming to school to talk, and

484

she's talking about alcoholic parents.

485

You know, so it's like, how do you get

this message to the kids that need it?

486

It's difficult, but, you know,

I think to your point, I think

487

that kids need that authenticity.

488

I think that kids sense it, you know,

they, they, five or six kids in the

489

classroom that were like, wow, I'm

going through this exact same thing.

490

And so I think, you know, it's a balance

of figuring out how do we reach kids?

491

How do we bring our authentic

experiences, and how do we do it in a

492

way, I guess that's appropriate, right?

493

It's like, what can we say in

the classroom or like, what

494

can we say in the workspace?

495

Because sometimes those things are very

competing when they, they shouldn't be.

496

Right?

497

'cause we're all, we're all

working towards the same goal and

498

I think we lose that sometimes.

499

Right?

500

And so all you can do, like as a

teacher, I just tried to build community.

501

I just tried to teach empathy and

compassion and you know, right

502

from first grade, I always said,

if you see someone and they're sad.

503

They didn't wanna be sad,

they didn't wanna wake up sad.

504

So if you see someone and

they're sad, something happens.

505

So instead of saying what's wrong

with you, say, can I help you?

506

Or find a way to make 'em smile?

507

And I started that right in first

grade because you could see like, I

508

truly believe children wanna be joyous.

509

They wanna learn, they wanna do all this.

510

They don't wanna be unhappy.

511

So.

512

Yeah, it's, it's, it's a, it's a struggle.

513

I mean, I know pretty much they

say one in four children in, in the

514

school has at least one parent that

that is addicted to some substance.

515

That's so, and that's, I mean, we're on

a, on a podcast called Adult Child of

516

Dysfunction, so that's one dysfunction

that's not even all the other stuff.

517

Like we said, I didn't, when

I was a kid, I didn't have to

518

worry about school shootings.

519

But now there's so, like, I'm sure

there's people that are very traumatized

520

and scared and they can't, if they can't

talk to anybody, that's the big picture.

521

They have to be able to trust someone.

522

And I think to your point, it seems

like present day, those dysfunctions

523

are almost amplified, right?

524

It's like you can't find reprieve, you

know, if there's dysfunction in the home.

525

You go to school, like you said,

there's shootings or you go online

526

and you're hearing, you know,

heavily political things or another

527

tragedy that's happened in the world.

528

And so it's heavy.

529

I mean, as an adult, sometimes I

don't even like to read the news

530

because, you know, it may impact

how my day is for you, right?

531

So imagine it as a child

going through this.

532

With not as much support as they need.

533

Right.

534

Yeah.

535

It's hard.

536

It is.

537

And for the parents out there listening

that are like, oh gosh, you know,

538

I haven't had those conversations.

539

Start having 'em Now.

540

Don't start with the big, big heavy ones.

541

If you've never had a conversation

or you've never really, truly.

542

Had those small conversations with your

children, just about how was your day?

543

And then don't leave it.

544

How was your day?

545

Good.

546

Well, tell me something

good that happened.

547

Just keep those conversations

going because eventually they will

548

trust you to be like, not so good.

549

Okay.

550

Well, when you're ready, come to me.

551

You can come to me.

552

Like even opening, just opening that

door a little more and if it wasn't

553

open for the first 10 or 12 years of

their lives, start to open it now.

554

It's never too late.

555

Never too late.

556

So I love that, right?

557

It's not a race, you know, even if

you know things haven't, been great

558

at home life, there's dysfunction,

all that stuff, you know, today can

559

be the start of something different.

560

You know, I think it's also

really important too, the goal.

561

Isn't to raise kids who, completely

avoid the digital world, who

562

are scared of the digital world.

563

The goal is to raise kids who

can move through both the digital

564

and the physical with confidence

and awareness, and that trust.

565

And so again, it's not the

destination, it's the journey.

566

So if you had to give parents

some tips, you can kind of do it

567

broadly or in certain age groups.

568

What are some tips, strategies,

tools that you can recommend?

569

Absolutely.

570

I would say the first

is just to be curious.

571

Curiosity always builds that openness.

572

And if kids see that you're

curious, they respond well to that.

573

I would say secondly, don't make.

574

Talking about their online experiences,

kind of like one big tech talk,

575

something that's very daunting and heavy.

576

It should be continuous, it should

be something life, you know, as you

577

said when you spoke to your son,

oh, you know, how was your day?

578

Oh, you know, did you talk to, it can be

something that's, you know, piecemeal.

579

It doesn't have to be something that

you build up to and that lasts hours.

580

'Cause that's not good for anyone.

581

No.

582

I would say, also kind of as we

noted in our conversation earlier,

583

just check out parental controls.

584

You know, I know that there's a lot,

they're on devices, they're on apps, but

585

just, you know, kind of get your feet

wet and, and figure out, okay, which ones

586

would work for my family, for my kids?

587

Just make sure that you're

modeling the correct behavior.

588

I think we sometimes underestimate how

much our kids are watching us and so if

589

you're on your phone, you know, during

dinner, it's hard to ask your kid to

590

get off their phone during dinner.

591

So just make sure that you're modeling

some of those positive behaviors as well.

592

Yes, human connection.

593

I work in a restaurant at night and.

594

Literally a family of five, three kids,

all five of them will be on their phone.

595

Yes.

596

Or kids on the iPads, mom

and dad on their phone.

597

And you're unavailable at that point.

598

You're unavailable for

conversation even if your kids

599

wanted to have a conversation.

600

That's what I think people miss.

601

I've heard people say, oh, well

we don't even go out to dinner

602

anymore because we don't even talk.

603

We just sit on our phones.

604

Well put your phone down.

605

Yeah.

606

Make the change.

607

Make the change.

608

Like nobody can change that.

609

Yeah, it's, it's okay if, if,

you know, sometimes that happens,

610

but you know, if that happens six

days a week, maybe one day, right?

611

That can be the starting point

where everyone puts their phone

612

away and has a conversation.

613

It's just small baby steps.

614

Or we don't bring it to dinner.

615

We just don't pull it out while

we're eating or we don't pull

616

it out while we're in church.

617

Exactly.

618

I mean, to be in church and

watching everybody, I'm like,

619

seriously, we're on, isn't it?

620

I'm like, you know, God's watching.

621

Right.

622

He sees that you're not giving

him your undivided attention.

623

Yeah, but I mean, there's no easy answer.

624

The best we can do is the best we can do,

but it's a different world we live in and.

625

We need to kind of embrace it

and look at it from a safety

626

aspect, from an educational

aspect, from all different things.

627

Because there are blessings and

there are curses to every single

628

new thing that comes into the world.

629

And I think part of that is

also giving young people credit.

630

You know, sometimes I think that we

don't understand how brilliant young

631

people are, how deeply they think about

things, how deeply they understand things.

632

You know, they're creative,

they're deep thinkers.

633

Making those conversations in these

kind of boundary setting more of

634

a collaborative effort through

discussions instead of, this is what

635

I think is best for you, and so this

is what we're gonna go with, allow

636

them the chance to express themselves.

637

Yep.

638

Because they are full of thoughts

and opinions and those are valid.

639

Well, we had that conversation

one time at a school and a teacher

640

said, well, how long do you

think you should let your kid on?

641

And she goes, well, I don't know.

642

I just told her an hour

a day and that's it.

643

And I'm like, well, again, have that

conversation, with your child and let them

644

have some input, because when they own it,

then all of a sudden, believe it or not,

645

kids will own closer to your boundaries

for them than you think they'll Yes.

646

They know right and wrong

in their, in their brains.

647

And they wanna do the right thing.

648

They do, they want mm-hmm.

649

They do the right thing.

650

And sometimes, you know, even jobs and

rule, you know, things that we set for

651

our children, we don't give them enough

credit and they will come up with some

652

of the good answers, but you have to

give them a chance to explore that.

653

so if anyone is interested in learning

more, if you go to which stands for

654

the Family Online Safety Institute.

655

We have, a gamut of parent

resources, resources for teens,

656

resources for younger children.

657

That parents can use as

a starting point, right?

658

So if you wanna make today,

the day that you start these

659

digital conversations, foci.org

660

has all of those resources necessary.

661

We also do some in-person

things with community centers

662

as well as events in schools.

663

So if you're interested in those,

you can reach out to me directly.

664

At our press, at foci.org

665

email.

666

Okay.

667

And I will put that in the show notes

so that people, if they're driving,

668

they don't have to think about it.

669

They don't have to be like,

what did that stand for?

670

Family speak?

671

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

672

It's confusing.

673

It's, it's, and I know

people listen to podcasts.

674

I don't ever write anything down, but I'm

always like, crap, what was that thing?

675

So I just like to go

back to the show notes.

676

So I will have that all in there for them.

677

But I appreciate you coming

because I think it's a topic that.

678

Many people kind of are like,

I don't wanna get involved.

679

Teachers say one thing.

680

I'm saying another thing

so have a resource.

681

She's giving you a resource.

682

So go there, find out, get the tools

and yeah, I would love to continue

683

this conversation in five years.

684

I think having people indoors for 24

hours a day for even a short period of

685

time, wreaked havoc on the amount of

time that we spend with human connection.

686

It's like that was taken away from us.

687

Yeah.

688

So we built these habits and it doesn't

take long to build a habit of, if I

689

wanna ask something, I go on Reddit,

if I wanna do this, which, you know,

690

some of these things, some of these

places that kids and adults are going.

691

There's a lot of information

on the internet, but there's

692

a lot of misinformation too.

693

I think during that dark scary period,

we established this relationship with

694

technology where we became, a little bit

too reliant and so we continued that.

695

Now that we're all back out

in the open and, I think our

696

relationships have struggled so.

697

You know, just have an in-person

conversation today is what I

698

would suggest, if anything.

699

And don't be scared of technology.

700

Because it is the wave of the future.

701

I mean, we didn't used

to have cell phones.

702

We have cell phones now we have ai and

whether we like it or not, it's here.

703

So learn how to use it responsibly.

704

You learn how to use it for good and not

for bad, and just know it's another tool.

705

Just like your voice is a tool

to use with your children.

706

So, okay.

707

Look at it that way.

708

But Calin, you are not off

the off the, a hook here.

709

I want you to give the listeners,

if you had to give one piece of

710

advice, some words of wisdom or a

big picture idea that they can take

711

with them today, what would it be?

712

You know, I would say it goes back

to what we were talking about earlier

713

about some of those generational values.

714

These conversations that they're having

with their kids, can bring up, you know,

715

memories, good and bad of them growing up,

and those experiences and what boundaries

716

looked like and how communication worked.

717

And so just make sure you're reflecting

on those appropriately and making the

718

changes that need to be made, you know,

for your kids, for your students, so that

719

the same mistakes aren't repeated and that

it's just going in a positive direction.

720

Thank you so much, Tammy.

721

This has, this has been great.

722

Yes, you're very welcome.

723

And for everybody else out there

listening, you heard it, there's safe,

724

responsible ways of using technology,

of using your phones, of using ai.

725

There's definitely ways that you

can do it, but the big picture

726

is maintain that human connection

with the people that need you.

727

That is the big picture.

728

There's nothing more important and

sacred and and vital than having

729

human connection, human trust, human

attachment, whatever you wanna call it.

730

And you wanted it when you were younger.

731

And these kids want it.

732

They just don't know where to look for it.

733

So be that person for them.

734

Be that light, be that knight in

shining armor, or light in the

735

dark, or whatever you wanna call it.

736

And until next week, you have a

blessed one and we'll see you back.

737

Bye.