For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

When things go wrong, it’s tempting to point the finger — at your partner, your boss, even your kids. But blame doesn’t solve problems; it creates distance.

In this powerful episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores "The Blame Game" — a hidden habit that damages relationships and keeps us stuck in conflict.

With help from AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah, Alastair unpacks why we blame, how it affects those around us and what you can do instead to build understanding and connection.

Key Takeaways:

-Blame is a defence mechanism: It often shows up automatically to protect our ego from discomfort, but it only deepens disconnection.

-Awareness is the first step: Simply noticing when you’re blaming — even in your own mind — opens the door to a different response.

-Own your part: Taking responsibility for your contribution, no matter how small, shifts you from victim mode into growth and empowerment.

-Practice empathy over accusation: Asking “Why might they be acting this way?” builds understanding and defuses conflict.

-Let go of “shoulds”: Rigid thinking about how things should have gone only fuels resentment. Focus on what can be done now.

-Communicate to connect: Use “I” statements, listen actively, and validate feelings to create safer, more productive conversations.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle

angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System

When was the last time something went wrong for you?

Maybe it was an argument with your partner, maybe it was how you reacted to your children, or maybe it was a project at work that went sideways.

No matter what it was, how quickly did you think something like, well, if only they had done something different, or how could they do this?

If you can relate to this, then you know the trap of blame.

Blame gives you a momentary sense of relief, like handing off a heavy weight.

But the truth is, it doesn't make the problem lighter.

It just shifts it and often drives a wedge between you and the people you care about most.

If you listen to this episode that already says something important about you, you want real change, and you want anger management tools that work.

Welcome to episode 47 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Duis, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.

In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with.

With the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.

Today, I've enlisted the help of my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss what I call the blame game.

The blame game is a common trap that that many of us fall into when we're feeling overwhelmed or frustrated.

But by understanding this game better, you can develop strategies that allow you to pause, reassess, and respond to situations in a way that aligns with the kind of person you want to be calmer, more constructive, and truly connected to the people you care about most.

Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to take the next step to control your anger once and for all.

With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive on the blame game.

Have you ever been in that moment when something goes wrong and without even really thinking, your mind just races to whose fault it is?

You're pointing fingers, maybe just in your head or maybe out loud, before you've even fully processed what happened?

Maybe it's something at work, a project that kind of went sideways, or, and this is probably the most common one, right?

An argument with your partner.

Do you ever catch yourself just dwelling on what they did wrong?

Yeah.

What their part was, exactly.

What their contribution was to the whole mess.

Instead of maybe taking a Beat to look at your own part in it.

It's such a common human thing, isn't it?

That immediate jump to blaming someone else and you nail it.

It has a name.

We call it the blame game.

The blame game.

Okay.

And what's really interesting as we've looked into the psychology behind conflict, is that it's often, you know, an unconscious habit.

Right.

Not deliberate.

Not usually.

We just kind of fall into it.

It's like a default defense setting.

But this deep dive today, it's not just about spotting the problem.

No.

It's about giving you the insights, the actual practical strategies to consciously, you know, step away from it.

And making that shift, it's so crucial for healthier relationships.

Absolutely.

With family, friends, partners.

All of it.

All of it.

And that's really our goal today.

We're going to pull back the curtain on this whole blame game thing.

We'll dig into what it is, maybe why our brains are so quick to go there.

And then the really important part, Give you some solid, actionable ways to get out of it for good.

Yeah.

Tools you can actually use.

Exactly.

So let's unpack this, get into some maybe surprising ideas, and give you those tools to kind of transform how you handle conflict.

Let's do it.

Okay.

So to really get how to escape this blame game, we first need to spot it when it's happening.

Right.

Recognize the pattern.

Let's paint a quick picture.

Imagine a couple, they're both tired after work and dinner's not ready.

Okay.

And one partner just snaps.

Like, why is it always me?

You never think about dinner?

Oof.

Yeah, the always and never.

Big red flags.

Totally.

Or maybe after a fight about money, one says it's your spending.

That's why we're always in this mess.

See that, that immediate finger pointing, that.

Quick assignment of fault, does that sound.

Familiar at all in, you know, your own life?

I think most people can relate on some level.

And psychologically, the blame game, really, at its core, it's when someone puts all the responsibility for something bad onto someone else.

Right.

Completely offloading it.

Exactly.

They're trying to kind of wash their hands of it.

Think of it like a shield.

A shield?

How so?

Well, our research into behavior shows it's often subconscious.

It's about protecting our ego, our self esteem.

Okay.

Admitting we messed up even a tiny bit can feel like an attack on who we are, our competence.

So the brain which hates discomfort just quickly points outward.

So it's not just.

It's your fault?

No, not always that direct.

It can be more subtle.

Like focusing on past stuff.

Right?

Oh, like bringing up old arguments.

Yeah, yeah.

Or saying someone was too sensitive or overdramatic about something totally different that happened weeks ago.

It's all about shifting that uncomfortable feeling, that guilt or responsibility, away from yourself.

And here's where it gets.

Well, really interesting.

When you play the blame game, nobody actually wins.

In fact, everyone loses.

Our look into conflict resolution shows this again and again.

It doesn't solve anything.

It makes it worse.

Right.

It usually escalates it.

You point fingers, the other person, bam.

Instantly defensive.

Their walls go straight up.

Yeah.

The fight or flight thing kicks in, their logical brain kind of dims, and they're not listening to understand anymore.

They're just listening to defend themselves or maybe even blame you back.

Totally shuts down constructive conversation completely.

Any chance of figuring out why it happened or how to fix it together, gone.

You just get stuck.

Or worse, spiral down.

Yeah.

Deeper into this cycle of blaming and feeling resentful.

You're just tightening the knot, not untangling it.

Which is why breaking free isn't just, like, nice to do.

It's essential if you want a relationship to actually work.

Okay, so if this blame game is so unhelpful, so destructive even, how do we actually stop doing it?

Especially when it feels almost automatic.

Yeah, it's instinctual sometimes.

It's definitely a tough habit to break.

No doubt.

Particularly if it's, you know, really baked into how you react.

For sure.

But the good news, and this comes from looking at things like cognitive behavioral psychology, is that like any habit, even.

A bad one, it can be unlearned?

Absolutely, it can be unlearned.

It just takes conscious effort, some patience with yourself, and, you know, using the right strategies.

Okay, so where do we start?

It feels like such a sticky pattern.

Great question.

The first step, and honestly, probably the most important one, is building up your self awareness.

Okay.

Noticing it.

Exactly.

The very next time you feel that urge coming up, that impulse to point the finger, assign the blame, try to deliberately, consciously just pause.

Hit the pause button.

Yeah.

Don't react right away.

Create a little space, like an internal gap between the trigger and how you respond.

Okay.

And in that gap, ask yourself two really powerful questions.

First, am I putting too much responsibility just on this one person?

And then pivot to the question that's actually more helpful, more empowering.

What role, even if it's small, did I play here?

What was my contribution?

That second one feels harder.

It often is.

But that's where the real insight, and honestly, your power to change things starts to come in it shifts you out of feeling like a victim.

Right.

And building on that, on that pause and those questions, once you've done that, the next step is actually taking responsibility for your actions.

Okay.

Owning your part.

Yeah.

Like, everybody makes mistakes.

It's just part of being human.

We all mess up.

We do.

The crucial bit is accepting your contribution, however small it feels, to whatever went wrong.

And this isn't about taking all the blame.

Right.

That's a different trap.

Exactly.

That's just swinging the pendulum too far the other way.

It's specifically about owning your piece of it.

This is often where our ego fights back the hardest because we kind of confuse owning my part with it's all my fault or admitting total failure.

But true responsibility isn't about beating yourself up.

No, it's about reclaiming your power, your agency.

Like, if you said something harsh in a fight, owning it means saying, okay, I said that, and it wasn't helpful.

Does it mean the whole fight was your fault?

Not at all.

But you are responsible for the words you used.

And the payoff here is huge.

How so?

By acknowledging your role, you start to understand yourself better.

You spot patterns in your own behavior, your triggers, your communication style.

Stuff that might be adding stress or anger to your relationships.

Ah, so it leads to personal growth.

Big time.

And often it kind of disarms the other person too.

It makes it safer for them to maybe look at their part.

That makes sense.

It lowers the defensiveness.

Okay, so it's definitely tough, especially when you're really mad or feeling wronged in.

The heat of the moment.

Yeah, but trying to see things from the other person's angle, their shoes, that can just change the whole dynamic, can't it?

Absolutely.

It's like flipping a switch, moving away from just blaming.

And that's where practicing empathy and understanding comes in, right?

Precisely.

Instead of just focusing on blaming them, listing all the things they did wrong.

Keeping score.

Yeah, keeping score.

You actively try to see it through their eyes.

Ask yourself, why might they be acting this way?

What could be going on underneath?

Like, maybe they're stressed about something else.

Exactly.

Maybe they're under huge pressure.

Or maybe the reaction comes from past experience, experiences, old wounds or insecurities.

Or just different values, maybe.

Or different priorities, different perspectives.

Our research shows that just considering these other possibilities, even if you don't fully buy into them, just thinking about it.

Just thinking about it fosters a deeper connection.

It helps you understand why things went wrong, not just who to blame.

It shifts the question from whose fault is it?

To what happened.

Here.

And how can we figure this out together?

That shift is such a powerful antidote to how isolating, creating blame feels.

Okay, let's dig into this a bit more.

Because when we're stuck in that blame game, we're not just pointing fingers, we're also caught up in how things should have been.

Right?

Oh, the shoulds.

Like they should have done this or this shouldn't have happened.

It's that rigid idea, that script in our heads of how things ought to be that can keep us stuck feeling resentful.

That's a really critical point.

And it leads perfectly into the next strategy.

Avoid shoulding on yourself or others.

Avoid shoulding.

I like that.

That kind of rigid should thinking.

It's so unhelpful.

Our look into cognitive distortions makes that really clear.

How does it trap us?

It keeps you stuck comparing reality to some idealized past or a perfect outcome that didn't happen.

And that constant gap creates disappointment, which just fuels more blame.

Okay, give me an example.

Alright.

Instead of thinking my partner should have remembered our anniversary, they should know how important it is.

Which just makes you feel frustrated and probably betrayed.

Right?

Leads nowhere.

Good.

Try reframing it.

Shift your focus.

Okay.

The anniversary passed.

It wasn't acknowledged.

What can we do now to celebrate it in a way that still feels good?

Focus on the present and future.

Exactly what's possible to make sure it gets remembered next year.

What talks do we need to have?

See how that immediately shifts you.

Yeah.

From complaining about the past, which you can't change, to doing something now.

Right.

It's about constructive action, finding solutions.

It keeps you grounded in what's real, not stuck in some ideal.

Okay, so we've covered a lot.

What the blame game is, why we do it.

The importance of self awareness, taking responsibility, having empathy, avoiding those shoulds.

But what does this all mean for how we actually talk to each other?

Because honestly, communication is usually where the.

Blame starts and where it gets worse.

Right.

But it's also where we can start fixing it.

Precisely.

And that brings us to a really core practical strategy for escaping the blame game.

Communicate more effectively.

Okay, what does that look like?

It involves a few key things.

First, make a real conscious effort to use I statements instead of you statements.

Okay.

The classic advice.

It's classic because it works.

Instead of that accusing, you always make me feel frustrated when you leave your clothes there, which just makes someone defensive instantly.

Try I feel frustrated when I see clothes on the floor.

Because it makes me feel like our shared space isn't respected.

See the difference?

Yeah.

It's about your feeling and the impact, not just attacking them.

Exactly.

It's much less likely to provoke that defensiveness, much more likely to invite some understanding.

Okay, so I statements, what else?

Second, active listening.

And this is non negotiable.

Really listening, not just waiting to talk.

Yes.

Truly hearing what they're saying, not planning your comeback.

Things like mirroring, repeating back what you heard.

Like, okay, so what I'm hearing is X, is that right?

That can transform a fight.

Just checking you understood right.

Or asking clarifying questions and validating their feelings.

Even if you disagree with their point.

Saying something like, I can see why you'd feel upset about that.

Even if you think they're wrong, even.

Then you're validating the feeling, not necessarily agreeing with their whole argument.

And crucially, it means being honest and direct about what you need and feel, but not aggressive or accusatory.

Okay, direct but not blaming.

Exactly.

When you put these techniques together, you can actually express yourself, share your experience, find solutions, all without resorting to blame.

It leads to much more constructive, respectful conversations.

You're building bridges, not burning them down.

That's a great way to put it.

Okay, so let's quickly recap the main points from our deep dive today to really escape the blame game.

Step one, Recognize when you're doing it right.

Then cultivate that self awareness in the moment.

Pause.

Choose to take responsibility for your part.

Own your actions, and then extend that understanding outwards.

Practice empathy.

Try to see their side.

Yeah.

And reframe those unhelpful shoulds into what's actually possible now.

And finally, practice those effective communication skills I statements.

Active listening.

Building connection instead of conflict.

Exactly.

And please remember breaking free from this, especially if it's a really ingrained habit.

It's a journey.

It's not instant.

No, it's going to be challenging, especially if it's been your default for years.

You will slip up sometimes you'll make mistakes.

That's okay.

It's totally okay.

It's part of the process.

The key isn't avoiding mistakes forever, it's how you handle them, what you learn, and how quickly you get back to trying these strategies.

And this whole journey really empowers you to build better relationships, doesn't it?

Absolutely.

Healthier, more respectful relationships across the board.

It puts you back in control.

And if you feel like you could use some more personalized support on this journey, especially around managing anger and improving those communication patterns we talked about, then.

Definitely check this out for free support on your anger management journey, including some really valuable free training plus the chance to book a free anger assessment call.

You should visit Alice Sears website angersecrets.com angersecrets.com yeah, it's a fantastic resource.

It's designed to give you practical tools you can use right away.

So yeah, Definitely check out angersecrets.com Take that step.

Gain control over anger.

Break free from the blame game for good and really transform your relationships.

And maybe just leave yourself with this final thought to chew on.

You can't control other people no matter.

How much we might want to sometimes, right?

But you can absolutely control yourself.

And that is where your real power lies.

Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Anger Management Podcast.

I hope you found this deep dive into Breaking free from the blame game helpful and thought provoking.

Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to quickly go over the four steps that Jake and Sarah shared to stop the blame game.

Firstly, Jake and Sarah discussed the importance of noticing when the blame game starts.

For many people, blame can feel automatic, as if our brains are looking for someone else to hold responsible.

The key first step to change this is awareness.

When you notice yourself pointing fingers, even silently in your head, you've already created space to make a different choice.

That awareness is the crack where change begins.

Secondly, Jake and Sarah discussed owning your part in situations, even if it's small.

Owning your part doesn't mean taking all the blame, it means being honest about your own contribution.

Maybe it was a harsh word or not following through on something.

Owning your peace shifts you out of victim mode and gives you back the power to grow and repair the connection.

Thirdly, Jake and Sarah discussed practicing empathy instead of keeping score.

When you blame others, you usually focus on what the other person did wrong.

But if you can pause and ask why might they have acted this way?

Or what stress or past experiences could be shaping this, you open the door to understanding instead of escalation.

That single shift can soften the whole conversation.

Finally, Jake and Sarah discussed communicating with respect, not accusation.

As Jake and Sarah discussed using I statements.

Really listening and validating feelings makes a huge difference.

Instead of fuelling defensiveness, these things create a space where solutions are possible.

It's about building bridges, not walls.

Okay, that's all for today's episode, Breaking Free from the Blame Game.

I hope you found this episode helpful.

If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.

This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.

Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.com course to enroll in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System.

I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.

And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.