A licensed therapist and mother of six-year-old twins shares her honest journey of navigating the emotional and logistical challenges of raising multiples while managing a professional career. She delves into her experiences with postpartum depression and the struggles faced during the first two years, emphasizing the unrealistic expectations society places on mothers, especially those of twins. The conversation highlights the critical importance of self-care, seeking support, and setting realistic expectations to cope with the unique stresses of parenting. As she reflects on the evolving dynamics of her family life, she discusses how she adapted to the changing needs of her children and the value of having a strong support system. Through practical strategies and personal insights, she offers encouragement to other twin moms, reassuring them that while the journey is tough, it does get better.

Navigating the complexities of motherhood, especially as a licensed therapist and mother of twins, offers a unique perspective on the emotional and logistical challenges that many parents face. The conversation delves into the raw experiences of postpartum depression and the often unspoken realities of the first two years of parenting twins. With candid reflections, the speaker shares her journey, highlighting the societal pressures to maintain a facade of happiness while managing the chaos of raising multiples. The episode emphasizes the importance of self-care, recognizing the need for support, and the significance of allowing oneself to feel a range of emotions without guilt. This honest discourse not only sheds light on the difficulties of balancing a professional life with the demands of motherhood but also encourages listeners to embrace their experiences and seek help when necessary.

Another critical theme is the discussion around societal expectations of mothers, particularly those with twins. The interview highlights how these expectations can lead to feelings of isolation and inadequacy, especially when the reality of parenting doesn't align with the idealized versions presented in media and society. The speaker challenges listeners to rebel against these narratives and redefine what it means to be a

Takeaways:

• The first two years of parenting twins can be incredibly challenging and overwhelming, but they get better with time.
• It's essential for mothers to embrace their emotions and seek support when needed, especially during tough times.
• Setting realistic expectations and allowing oneself to adapt to the realities of parenting can ease stress.
• Mothers of multiples often face unique societal pressures that can make their experiences feel isolating.
• Creating a solid support system, including childcare options, can significantly improve the parenting experience.
• Finding joy in small moments and allowing for personal space can enhance overall well-being as a parent.

Doing great.

Glad to be here.

I am a licensed therapist in northern California, but I'm also a twin mom.

My twins are now six.

They just recently turned six, and they're in kindergarten.

We did TK last year, so it's our second year in public school, but they're in kindergarten, and I think I run my own business.

I'm in business for myself, so I get to make my own schedule, so I get to be really present with them.

And I've had the fortune of getting to balance my life in a way that allows me to have things for myself and be a mom.

Not always perfect, and it's rough, but that's a little bit about me.

It's one of those things where, like, when people say, I don't know how you do it, you just do.

And it didn't.

We didn't get there easy.

I struggled with postpartum depression.

I had some really intense bouts of rage.

Like, the first two years were absolutely rough, and when people are like, oh, you must be.

You're so blessed, it must have been so amazing.

And I'm like, actually, the first two.

Years were absolute garbage.

I'm not gonna lie.

Like, it was absolutely rough, and I.

Don'T wish it on anyone.

There's a lot of pros to having.

Twins, and I'm glad that I have.

Them, but I'm not gonna sugarcoat the fact that those first two years were absolutely brutal for me.

My twins are 17 months old.

Oh, gosh, you're in the thick of it.

I don't believe in feeling bad about how I feel.

Like, I just don't.

I'm going to feel how I'm going to feel, and I'm going to deal with that.

I'm going to do something with it, but I'm going to be honest about it.

I can love them and have great moments with them and have these moments of pure joy, and I can also simultaneously, or the moment after that, be in my own personal hell.

And neither of them cancel the other one out.

In fact, if you try to stop yourself from fully feeling the negativity dampened, maybe fully feeling the joy, yeah.

You have to almost put away a part of yourself.

And as a therapist, I know that's not a good long term strategy.

It's going to come out eventually when the containment system breaks.

And too often, I will have moms come into my therapy room and their containment system has finally broken, and they just don't know why or how to get through that.

And I'm like, let's figure out a way where you're not having to just put stuff away all the time, where it can move through you in a way that can seal more day to day and not take over in a way and not take away from all the good that is there.

I think particularly in motherhood, there's that sort of pink brush of beauty and the miraculousness of birth and the incredibleness of a human life and these images that were fed of mom holding baby and this loving embrace, bonding, and were fed all the positive images.

And I do think there's a hormonal component to it, almost a euphoria going into it.

I know I'm gonna be fine.

It's gonna be okay.

I know it's gonna be hard, but I'll figure it out.

And it's maybe biology's way of blinding us to the reality.

So we'll have more kids, but it makes us so isolated.

And then I think some folks get really uncomfortable talking about it, especially if they either struggle to have the child or they have people in their life that are struggling to have children, then they feel like they should feel even more lucky or fortunate, and they can't be upset about it.

So there's all these nuances that put us into this box of having to be happy about it when so much of it is so hard, especially when there's more than one baby.

You said about Ethan just cuddling.

What is that?

Obviously, I feel that.

But explain that.

Yeah, of course, they're in that same vein.

Like, we have these ideas of what we want to do that you can do with one baby.

So I was like, oh, I'm going to put them in the little front carrier and do my grocery shopping, and I'm going to go to the mommy and me classes with my babies and these different things that I was like, with one baby, I see other moms doing.

I'm going to bring my kid, my baby to the crossfit gym so I can still be part of my fitness community and still feel, like, connected to other grownups.

Right?

Which, again, I see other moms do.

And then when you have two, and my two had a lot of needs and were on a very tight feeding schedule and, like, it just.

There was a lot going on.

Later recognized.

My son's a sensory seeker, and so he had just had a lot of sensory needs that he needed input on more than most kids.

And so those things became inaccessible to me.

And my world as a new mom shrank.

The things that I could do with one baby became inaccessible with two.

And so there were so few things that I could do to be in connection with other adults, with other parents, to be out in the world the way that I had hoped to be, that I had to really let go and grieve the idea of the mom I would be.

And it took a while to find things that I could do to figure out the ways to make certain things possible, to find new options, to find people to go with me to do things because I couldn't do it on my own.

It took a really long time to accept that and then be okay with it.

Even the idea of breastfeeding one baby like, it wasn't breastfeeding.

I did it for two years and two months, and I made it my mission to make that possible.

But it wasn't the beautiful bonding thing that some mothers get to experience, and not even singleton moms always get that.

But it was a football hole.

Two babies at once.

It just was like, all right, let's just get this done.

Let's just get this done.

I stopped breastfeeding once I became aversive to it.

Like, it started to feel bad, and that's when we weaned.

But even after I stopped, there's just so much touching and so much need for contact from two people at the same developmental level that the boundary of my body didn't belong to me.

And it's probably only in the last maybe couple years that I've started to feel like I belong to myself again.

And that's part of why I went back to work sooner than I had planned, if I had one child, that I just needed that space to exist as a grown up in my own body and in my own skin.

And I recognized that I was a better mom.

I was more available to them when I wasn't responsible for their care all day long.

I could be more available to them when I was with them if I had space for myself.

It almost requires that we decide not to follow the cultural normative messages.

We have to almost be rebellious in a way.

And I think that part of what.

Allowed me to embrace that is there.

Was part of me that felt rebellious against this narrative that mothers are fed or somehow are, like, conditioned to believe.

And so I was like, no, I'm not going to feel guilty about putting them in preschool or daycare.

I'm going to feel good about it because when they come home, I feel ready for them.

I'm not going to feel guilty about sending them to my mom's house for a few hours on the weekend because I feel better when I do that.

And my kids get to be loved by more people.

It always makes me emotional when I.

Think about that, but, like, they get to be loved by more people when.

I allow them to be with other people.

We started with a few hours a day, a few times a week with the grandmothers.

I was really fortunate to have both grandmothers nearby, so we started with that.

And then when I decided I would reengage with work and I lean into growing my practice and really build that up, I realized that, oh, I'm going to need actual care.

And then Covid hit.

So that was right about the same time.

But what happened, and this was actually really fortunate, is I had been going to a local gym with a kid care center, and the person who the kids spent most of their time with at the kid care center now was out of a job.

And so I invited her to come be our nanny.

And so she came a few days a week, and she was our nanny, so I was able to work, and our kids had just a wonderful experience with her.

They got to be home for those couple of that year and a half or so that she was with us almost two years.

And then by then, they were starting to just get bigger and louder and more active, and daycares were starting to open up again.

When she and her husband decided it was time to move for him to go back to school, we went ahead and put the kids in essentially full time daycare.

It was close to full time, and it was really freeing.

We found a really cool place that allowed them to get messy and be around farm animals and all kinds of cool stuff.

So it was a really neat place, and I just appreciated having that dependable space to be able to have them be.

And so that was their daycare and preschool experience all in one.

And they were there for about two and a half years before they entered TK.

There were days where I would think, I wonder if having them home would be good, or wonder if I should pick them up earlier, more often, or things like that.

And then I would start doing it, and then it wouldn't always work so well.

And so I experimented with, like, how often I picked them up early, how often I maybe kept them home for a day.

And I found the right balance of when to pick them up early, when to leave them a little bit later, how to take care of myself to make a good transition, how to make sure that I'm making an intentional transition from me, work, you know, person to me mom.

And so it was, there were a I tinkered with it, and also it changed over time.

There were seasons that it was just a little harder to be around them.

The behaviors were a little more challenging to me.

I felt more overwhelmed.

Maybe my work was a little heavier.

And then there were other seasons where things were flowing easier, they felt better, and we flowed with it.

And I make a commitment to consistently check in with myself and check in with them and check in with the system to see is what we have working or do we need to make.

Make an adjustment to that.

And so I'm always adjusting.

The go with the flow came pretty early on, I think right around four months, when their sleep started to diverge and they started sleeping at different times.

There was a period of time where I really tried to control that almost obsessively, and it made it worse.

And I think I had this breaking point where I just was like, I'm just not going to try to control anything regarding their sleep anymore.

And instead I was like, if they don't sleep and I don't get rest, then what can I do about that?

For me, maybe that is have grandma take them for a few hours so I can sleep in the middle of the day.

Maybe that is right.

It was less about controlling them and more about being adaptive and responsive to the reality that I was.

And that has been my approach ever since.

And it's worked better for me and for them.

Most of the summers, they didn't wear any clothes at all.

At home, I'm just like, whatever, run around, I can wipe you off.

It doesn't matter if I got beat naked.

Have fun.

I think, like, twins in particular, the first two years are really brutal.

The next two years start till there's light at the end of the tunnel.

By four, it starts to get really fun.

There's a corner that turns right around four where their communication, their independence, there's a lot of things that start clicking into place that make it more fun and more enjoyable and a little easier from that moment to moment labor of small children.

And then what I found is that sort of coming into five, six, and kindergarten, having twins is cool because you don't have separate drop offs, you don't have separate homework packets, you don't have.

There's a lot of same.

That I'm not having to, like, worry about these different systems and needs.

So that is a really cool plus.

On the other end, it's really nice.

And then even developmentally, they have a lot of the same needs.

They have a lot of the same interests in terms of what occupies them or what entertains them or what their skill level on stuff.

And I'm finding that parenting twins at this age is maybe possibly a little easier than kids of different age.

Maybe.

I don't know, because I don't have kids of different age.

But from what I see from my friends, I'm like, maybe actually this is the other side of that coin of difficulty, of I've got maybe some of this a little easier now.

And of course, like all the other regular challenges, are there sibling dynamics and school stuff and chores and all of that still there?

That's there no matter what.

So the challenge is different, but there are some really cool and unique positives.

That come with a having twins, because I did.

I did have this idea of I'm gonna use, I'm gonna use reusable diapers and I'm gonna make my own baby food and I'm gonna no screen time for two years.

And I had all these really big ideas, and I think with one baby, I probably could have done a decent amount of that.

Yeah, I think.

I don't know, I'm guessing.

But I think with two, the thing that they really confronted me with is what I alluded to earlier is that idea of facing the reality of the hand that you're dealt with.

And instead of fighting against it, like saying, okay, what am I going to do with this?

And I think that they really brought that out in me and helped me even apply that to other places in my life where I can meet the challenges or the circumstances that I'm being confronted with a lot more neutrally and just look at it as, okay, what am I going to do with it?

I'm not going to fight this.

I'm just going to see what I need to do with it.

And maybe it's different than what I thought.

And that's okay, because I can do it.

I can figure it out.

It's worked out well for me.

It's been helpful.

Yeah.

When they were born, my husband was working both as a police officer and he was in the reserves.

And so he worked a lot of, and he worked a dangerous job.

So I took on a significant, the majority of the parenting duties, the night wake ups were all mine, all of it, because the reality was, is that sending him to work tired was a hazard to his life, and it just wasn't something I was willing to do.

So I think that because of that, it did increase the amount of stress on us and we, we weren't able to tag team quite the way we would have otherwise.

We weren't able to share the load in other ways that we would have otherwise, or that might have been a little bit easier with one.

Cause when you got babies and they wake up at different times, you have twice as many wake ups and there's just that much more disruption to everything.

Yeah, I do.

I think it places really a tremendous amount of stress on the system, something that already puts stress on a system.

I think it was a slow process.

It wasn't for a lack of wanting to be more there for each other.

It wasn't a lack of effort or a lack of desire.

I think it was just a reality of our circumstances.

And it took us a few years.

I think, again, that two to three.

That first two to three years was really brutal.

And I think it took us those first two to three years to make the changes to our life that were necessary to be able to partner better.

It's one of the reasons that I went back to work when I did is not just for myself, but by being able to contribute to the household income.

I was able to give him the means to leave the reserves and then to shift some of his career stuff so that he could be more home, he could be more available.

And we were sharing the financial load as well, a little bit more.

And so that takes time.

That takes time to achieve.

But as we've been able to do more of that, we've been able to be more equal partners at home as well.

Multiple births of multiples is what, like 10% of births or less?

Is it less than that?

Wait, 1%?

I don't remember the stats.

I used to know the stats on this stuff.

It's maybe one to 5% of births.

That's what it is.

One to 5% of births are twin multiple births.

And that's not.

It's not nothing, but it's not many.

The chances of you naturally knowing another person that had twins is relatively low.

And so finding connection and finding support around parenting multiples can be challenging with one baby and not to diminish it.

It is hard.

It is incredibly hard.

But it's different.

Yeah.

I think something I mentioned in the interview is that there's a certain nerve and frying aspect to having.

Changing one baby's diaper while the other one cries and you can't do anything about it.

Like, there are just these moments where one or both babies are screaming and you are alone and you can't comfort them both and nothing you do is working and you can't do some of the stuff you could do with one baby because the other one's screaming while they're trying to comfort one, but amplifies, and they rile each other up and set each other off.

And that fries the ends of your.

Nerves in a way that is hard.

To describe if you've never experienced.

And it activates all of the hormonal nervous system, things that moms are embedded with.

When we birth our children to be responsive, those are the things that help us be responsive to our babies.

But when you have two babies and you.

You can't respond to both of them at the same time, those bells are going off inside of you, and you can't do anything about.

That's rough.

And then if you're wearing both of them and one of them gets hungry, you have to take them both out to feed one, and it's just.

It just doesn't work.

I had the double stroller with the click ins, and we had these big signs hanging.

Don't touch the baby hanging from their car seats.

Yeah.

Yep.

I was like, I can't.

I can't do it myself.

Somebody need tools?

I need all the tools.

I need all the gear.

So much you can't anticipate.

That was like an impulse buy on a midnight feed.

I was like, ooh, I need those.

I need those.

Thank you so much.

You're so welcome.

It's good to talk with you.

And you are.

You're in the thick of it.

And if I can, for you and for any other twin mom who's in the early stages, it gets better.

Find the easy button in certain areas, I tell all my moms, and, like, find your easy buttons and embrace it and feel all the feelings and cry all the tears, and it does get better, and there's good things to come.