Have you ever asked yourself, “Why am I still single?” I know I did. And I asked myself a lot of other messed up questions that my brain went and gave me a zillion answers for that made me feel terrible.

We’re talking about attachment styles and how to move from insecure attachment styles to a more secure attachment style.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Secure Love Book
• EP 12 Ewwwwww Feelings
• EP 8 Relationships - They’re All In Your Head
• EP 14 Who’s Got Your Back?
• Attached Book

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Right when I broke up with my last boyfriend I read the book Attached. It was wonderful to learn about attachment theory and understand how my anxious attachment style can show up in dating and in my relationships. Especially since my ex and I were in the anxious avoidance dance. He wanted more space to quell his uncomfortable feelings and I wanted more closeness to quell mine. I remember dating after our breakup, and after reading the attachment book, and feeling broken because I was anxiously attached. I felt like I was cursed by it and thought if only I was securely attached. In the book Attached they also explained as we get older, that percentage of avoidantly attached people in the dating pool increases. Even though avoidantly attached people are 25% of the population, they get out of relationships or stay out of relationships more often so reenter or stay in the dating pool. I felt like it was a double whammy against my odds of finding someone to share life with in a way that I felt calm, taken care of, relaxed, and adored. A new book on attachment styles just came out and I loved it. Julie Mennano’s new book, Secure Love, gives so many approachable and applicable tools for understanding how your attachment effects you and what’s going on for the other at insecure attachment styles - avoidant, anxious and disorganized. And what it comes down to is we’re all trying to deal with our uncomfortable feelings in different ways. And she gives ways of working it out if you're anxious and your partner is avoidant. She also said that in her practice, she found that 75% of her anxiously attached clients were woman. And about 75% of her male clients were avoidantly attached. In my mind I was like - make sense. We as woman are socialized that our worth depends on being chosen, pleasing others, and being in a relationship. And so many men were socialized that boys don’t cry and push down your feelings. So not only do our parents, caregivers and relationships create our attachment styles. There is also some cultural and society factors reinforcing it.

Everything we do, don’t do, want, and don’t want is because of feelings we want or don’t want to feel. Another way of saying this is we are motivated to seek a feeling or avoid a feeling. And at the heart of our attachment style is our relationship with our feelings. A secure attachment style allows their uncomfortable feelings and knows they’re temporary. Secure attachment style is low anxiety and low avoidance when it comes to relationships. An anxiously attached person seeks out others for reassurance to escape their uncomfortable feelings. Anxious attachment style is high anxiety and low avoidance. An avoidant pushes down their feelings and distances themselves to escape their uncomfortable feelings. Avoidant attachment style is low anxiety, high avoidance. A disorganized attachment style does a mix of seeking out others and distancing themselves to escape their uncomfortable feelings. Disorganized attachment style is high anxiety and high avoidance. But all three of the insecure attachment styles, anxious, avoidant and disorganized, are all trying to avoid and escape the discomfort of their negative and uncomfortable feelings when it comes to relationships. I am simplifying this for the sake of length of this podcast and totally recommend you dive deep into xxx book Secure Love. I read it and immediately recommended it to all my current and past clients!

Good news is our attachment styles are on a spectrum, and with work, we can shift them to be more secure. The number one way to move towards being more securely attached is to improve your skill or ability to allow your feelings. All of them, even the super uncomfy ones. And getting more comfy with your uncomfy feelings - gives you the confidence to share them more with people you’re getting to know and in your future relationship. And being able to share our feelings and connect with the other person is the key to building a lasting relationship. You’re not broken because of your attachment style - like I believed when I was dating. You’ve had relationships with your family and in relationships that impacted your trust for how people will show up for you. You learned your attachment style as a way to protect yourself. And you can unlearn it too and move closer to and become securely attached. And you don’t have to “fix’ your attachment style before you date. You can use dating as a way to gain awareness about how you’re showing up, communicating, and what triggers you. And you can learn to show up for yourself and the people you meet through dating in new more secure ways. New ways being learning to feel and allow your uncomfortable feelings, share your feelings in a way that strengthens your connection to the people you meet, learning to share your feelings more, and being kinder and gentler with yourself when it comes to your own feelings. AKA not beating yourself up or shaming yourself for feeling the way you do. You and your feelings matter.

And know, even the yummiest of feelings, love, can be scary for us because our brains that are wired to protect us by naturally going to worst case scenario and start sounding the alarms.

These alarms can sound like - you better be careful and keep your guard up! This probably won’t last! It’s never lasted before. You’ll probably just get hurt again. They’ll probably breakup with you and abandon you. If you let them in, you’ll get hurt. Depending on someone is dangerous! Your brain is convincing you if you don’t let them in, or maybe even end it first, this will protect you or lesson the pain. And that’s what your brain is always trying to do, protect you from pain. But the protection is actually blocks you from connection.

We are all filtering what people do and say and don’t do and don’t say through our brains. And our brains have collected evidence from our childhoods, society, and past relationships about how to best protect ourselves and how we can expect and not expect people we care about to really be there for us. We are all walking around, wanting to be loved and supported, and afraid of it too in our own way. I hope this gives you compassion for yourself, the people you meet, and your future partner. Like the Brene Brown, “When you look away from the pain of any people, we diminish their humanity and our own.”

We’re all walking around with our protection and wounds and wants. We’re all wishing for someone to love our messy imperfect selves. We’re all trying to figure it out and navigate this life. I’. Scared of loving and not being loved and feeling that deep hurt. Scared the love and support and commitment and fun and passion we want in a relationship isn’t possible for us. Get defensive, put up the walls that we think protect us AND some of them our blocking us from the love and connection we so deeply desire. Oh to be human!

So I want to give you some different ways to practice feeling your feelings when it comes to dating. I also did a full podcast on processing your feelings - EP 12 Ewwwwww Feelings. Another episode to compliment this one is EP 8 Relationships - They’re All In Your Head. So go listen or re-listen to those two podcasts too.

Okay - here are some ways to evolve your relationship with your uncomfortable feelings that also having you moving towards a more secure attachment style on the attachment style spectrum. It’s a spectrum, not black and white. Securely attached people can have some anxious and avoidant tendencies too. The secure attachment style person still feels hurt, has bad dates, has breakups, and has negative and uncomfortable feelings. But the secure attachment style seeks out relationships and connections, has a positive view of themselves and other people, has low anxiety, low fear of abandonment, and has an overall positive view on relationships.

1. Just noticing them and acknowledging the feeling that came up. Sometimes you can do this during the situation that’s triggering you. Sometimes you can do it after. The practice of naming and describing how they feel in your body is a practice to strengthen your ability of noticing and allowing your feelings.

2. Start sharing your feelings with people who feel really safe to you. If it doesn’t feel safe in the moment with the person you're with, maybe after you can describe your feelings with a trusted friend or family member or coach or therapist. Shame likes secrets - so the act of sharing can dissolve the shame.

3. Be loving and kind to the little kid in you and their feelings. We’ve all got the younger version of us in us who so wants our love, attention, reassurance, safety and kindness. She’s got lots of feelings. Consider how can you re-parent her in the way, take care of her and her big emotions and fears, like you wish your parents had for you. Let her know you know she’s scared or anxious, and that you’re here for her. Letting her know her big messy scary feelings are human and that you have her back. That she matters. That her feelings matter. How can you help her self regulate when she feeling really triggered. Treat her like you want your future partner to, and how you wish your parents had. Build trust with her that you’re there for her now and always. In practice this can look like the next time you feel super anxious or scared or worried - think about how you would talk to a little five year old version of you, or whatever young age resonates most with you. Build a relationship with her where she trusts you won’t abandon her, or reject her, and will have her back. (EP 14 is all about having your own back if you want to dive deeper into the skill of taking care of yourself)

4. Getting clarity around the emotions you want in your future relationship. Getting clear on how you want to feel in your future relationship. Valued. Appreciated. Like a team. Supported. Adored. Respected. Knowing where you want to go and setting your GPS. Acknowledging to yourself what feelings you so deeply desire to be the foundation for your future partnership.

5. Communicating the feelings you want in a relationship - sharing is caring. Letting the people in on how you want to be loved. What makes you feel safe and supported. If you don’t show it they won’t know it. Sharing what you want and need in a relationship can be scary - practice feeling the fear and sharing anyways. On my first date with Greg, I owned my anxiousness and asked if we could set up the second date so I’d feel more calm in-

between dates. Bravo to past me for making the request. And it gave Greg the opportunity to demonstrate that he can listen to me and show up for me in a way that made me feel safe and secure. You aren’t a mind reader and other people aren’t either.

6. Sharing how you feel about the other person - it can be scary to put our cards on the table and let someone know we like them and are excited about exploring the connection. By opening up and sharing your feelings for them, you’re modeling for them. You’re making it safer for them to open up and share their feelings too. And if they don’t feel the same way or have the same relationship vision or timing as you - that is all great information too. Because if you’re not on the same page - you can both save time by being transparent about it and moving on to meet people who are on the same page. Any baby steps you can make in sharing how you feel can set the tone and climate of sharing in the connection.

7. When conflict or difficult conversations come up - it can feel super uncomfortable. Practice staying present, open, and curious. Reminding yourself you and your feelings matter AND so do theirs. Holding space for them when they are sharing their discomfort and feelings. Can you stay present and curious versus shutting down, or shaming, or blaming or defending. Can you treat them the way you want to be treated when you’re upset or feeling scared. They’ve got that little kid in them too. They have their fears too. They have their habitual ways of dealing with their feelings too. Can you take care of yourself and give them space for their messy emotions and insecurities too. Some keys to conflict are Share your feelings and make requests (vs criticizing or demanding). Listening to their feelings with an open and curious heart and mind (vs defending and blaming). I like the Byron Katie quote as a reminder, “Defense is the first act of war.” If you’re feeling overwhelmed by an argument or difficult conversation, asking for a moment or a couple hours, or a day to collect your thoughts and understand your feelings and calm your nervous system. Agree on a time to come back to the conversation.

We all crave relationships where we know we can be ourselves, be supported, feel validated, feel appreciated. And at the same time we can be scared to death to let someone in because we fear they won’t show up for us in a supportive, validating, appreciative way.

The price or currency of creating your dream relationship is the practice of feeling discomfort. Doing the uncomfortable things like putting yourself out there. Doing the uncomfortable thing of showing yourself to be seen which will attract your person, but will also repel the people who are not a fit for you. We’re afraid of rejection, but the fear of rejection has us not showing up as are authentic selves and blocks the connection we so deeply desire and deserve.

One way to think of your feelings is as urges. Urges to go towards or away from someone, something, or a situation to feel better. The urge to pick up your phone to distract yourself from the email you need to write and send for work. The phone provides an immediate distraction from the uncomfortable feelings, maybe fear, or anxiety, from writing and sending the email. Just like not speaking up and sharing our feelings may create immediate relief for us in the moment - but doesn’t usually get us what we want in the long term - a loving supportive life partner. We avoid being open and vulnerable in the moment. Which feels more comfortable in the moment, but it costs us really connecting with the human in front of us.

Here are some thoughts for you:

What if it’s true that your person wants to and can handle your truth.

What if it’s true that your person wants to see your vulnerability because it helps them feel safer to share their vulnerability.

What if it’s true your person wants to know your fear of abandonment and how to make you feel more safe, so they don’t have to guess. So they can feel confident on how to best love on you and support you.

What if your person wants to know how your attachment style gets triggered, so they can knowingly show up in a way that makes you feel safe opening up to them.

No matter what attachment style you have - look for a parter that makes it easier for you to feel and adds (not takes away from) your ability to feel:

You matter. You and all your feelings, even the messy ones, matter

Validated

Appreciated

Valued

Mwah! Love you. Go Get’m and move into showing up more securely as you do!