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19th September 2024 • Voice over Work - An Audiobook Sampler • Russell Newton
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The Science of Likability:

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67 Evidence-Based Methods to Radiate Charisma,

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Make a Powerful Impression,

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Win Friends,

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and Trigger Attraction (4th Ed.)

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(The Psychology of Social Dynamics Book 12)

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Written by

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Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.

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Introduction.

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Like many college underclassmen who had no idea what they wanted to study,

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I chose to major in psychology.

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I thought it was a good default choice because the knowledge theoretically had

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wide application and could transfer to any other field.

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After all,

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psychology is the study of why people,

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and I would be dealing with people anywhere I went,

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right?

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It also didn’t hurt that I heard the vast majority of the classes had

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open-book,

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multiple-choice midterms and finals.

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So I checked the box next to “Bachelor of Science in Psychology” and went

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on with my day.

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It was something I devoted all of ten minutes of thought to,

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but in reality,

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I could have done much worse.

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Psychology has turned out to be incredibly applicable to my life,

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relationships,

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and career.

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Psychology isn’t about reading minds or interpreting dreams,

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though that’s the impression some people may have.

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It’s more accurate to say that psychology is the study of why people do the

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things they do—beyond the obvious reasons you can see on the surface and

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often beyond people’s own understanding and consciousness.

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This has obvious applications,

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such as seeing why some advertisements are more effective than others,

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why a child will rush to do something they are explicitly told not to do,

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and the plain effect on behavior that positive and negative associations can

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have.

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But the biggest takeaway from my degree was that so many of our decisions are

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made completely subconsciously and without any awareness on our part.

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Our conscious thought follows our subconscious will,

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and it often isn’t until far after we act that we figure out what actually

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happened.

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We may think we are acting logically and reasonably in a situation—we may

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even use defense mechanisms to defend and justify our actions—but this is

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just our subconscious getting its way.

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For example,

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one of the more famous experiments in psychology was called the Little Albert

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experiment,

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conducted in 1920 by the famous psychologist John Watson.

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It involved the eponymous baby,

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Little Albert,

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who was presented with a white rat and nothing else.

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He had no reaction,

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positive or negative.

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Albert had yet to be conditioned or socialized in any way regarding rats.

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Next,

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the researchers paired the rat with a loud crashing noise,

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which frightened Albert and made him cry in most instances.

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After only a couple of exposures pairing the rat and the crashing noise,

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Albert was presented with the rat alone again.

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He reacted as if the crashing noise was also present;

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he had become afraid of the rat by itself.

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But if he could talk,

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he wouldn’t have been able to explain why.

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He just knew that anything involving the rat was bad.

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He had started associating the rat with the loud noise that frightened him and

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wasn’t consciously aware of why he was suddenly recoiling and crying whenever

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he saw the rat by itself.

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On the one hand,

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this tendency to be quickly conditioned to avoid negative situations is

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something that probably has evolutionary roots.

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If you didn’t quickly learn that furry,

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growling animals with large teeth were bad news,

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you likely didn’t stay alive too long.

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Regardless,

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Little Albert provided insight into how something seemingly so subtle and

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unrelated could affect people’s actions in very real ways.

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If people can be subconsciously conditioned about negative associations,

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aren’t there ways that people can be conditioned to react positively to

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objects and people?

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What if Little Albert was conditioned to associate positive things with the

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rat,

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such as food or his favorite toy?

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This would make Albert rejoice upon seeing the rat instead of recoiling in

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horror.

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Actually,

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that was proven in 1897,

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before Albert was even born.

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This brings us to the most famous psychological experiment of the modern age .-

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Pavlov’s dog.

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Ivan Pavlov,

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a Russian psychologist,

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noted that his dog began to salivate when he anticipated a meal.

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So Pavlov began to ring a bell every time he fed his dog,

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which caused a pairing of the two behaviors - the bell and the dog salivating.

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When Pavlov started ringing the bell by itself,

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the dog salivated as if there was actual food coming.

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Without any real clue as to why,

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the dog thought he was getting delicious bacon every time he heard the bell.

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Needless to say,

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this same effect has been replicated in humans time after time.

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Little Albert and Pavlov’s dog showed us two sides of the same coin—it is

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possible for us to become both scientifically desired and despised.

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It’s probably more helpful to focus on the former,

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and if a bell can create a positive effect on others,

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there must be additional,

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more impactful ways of being scientifically likable.

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It’s not that we are simply prone to seeing things where they don’t

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necessarily exist.

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In reality,

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our brains are quite malleable and adaptive,

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and every adjustment or association our brains see is an attempt at efficiency

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and energy conservation.

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We take shortcuts as often as possible,

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but we usually don’t realize it.

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Actually,

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that’s exactly what we will seek to take advantage of in this book.

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My mission is to uncover the most effective,

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peer-reviewed psychological studies to dig deep and take advantage of what

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human nature can offer us.

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Just like our brains take shortcuts to everything else,

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there certainly exist shortcuts to likability and charm.

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You’ll learn proven ways to make yourself endearing,

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likable,

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funny,

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convincing,

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persuasive,

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trustworthy,

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credible,

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and instantly magnetic.

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You’ll learn why we hit it off with some people but never with others;

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why we feel chemistry with some people and instantly mutter,

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“Ugh,

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not them,” in the presence of others;

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and why we instinctively trust some people and check for our wallets around

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others.

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Using these tactics can certainly be seen as fake or manipulative.

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I can recognize and sympathize with that perspective.

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Anytime you are presenting something besides the genuine you and trying to do

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something slightly sneaky,

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underhanded,

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or with ulterior motives,

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you can feel icky.

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This is one of the main reasons many people do not prefer sales jobs—there is

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usually an undercurrent of becoming someone you are not in order to reach the

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goal of selling something.

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But my experience as a social skills and dating coach leads me to a different

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conclusion.

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Not everyone is born with what you might call social or emotional intelligence,

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and sometimes people just need a guideline to understanding and connecting with

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others.

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It’s no different than thinking about how to prepare for a job interview or a

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date,

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and people wear makeup and dress better to make good impressions on people.

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Indeed,

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it’s no different than asking a friend for advice on,

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well,

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any interpersonal matter.

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It all serves the same goal.

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These studies run the gamut from confirmatory and common sense to shocking and

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counterintuitive and everything in between.

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Even the common-sense studies are important because,

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after all,

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common sense is not really so common.

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We all live through only the perspective that our experiences show us,

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and what is common sense to us (for instance,

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being raised in a rich family and knowing how yachts work)

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is certainly not common sense to those without our same experiences (for

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instance,

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being raised in poverty and never having seen the beach before).

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Something only seems obvious to us because we have seen it in action,

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and then you may realize that your sense of common sense amounts to simple

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anecdotal evidence.

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And besides,

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if common sense was truly common,

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people would generally make better decisions on a daily basis.

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On the other hand,

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some you might flat-out deny and not believe what the studies say.

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But just as heliocentrism (the theory that the sun revolved around the earth

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instead of the other way around)

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was thought to be heretical and wrong,

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sometimes you just have to follow the documented evidence and let go of your

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preconceptions.

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Just because it is not immediately obvious doesn’t mean that the figurative

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dog is not being compelled to salivate.

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All of that and more is The Science of Likability.

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Chapter 1.

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How To Make People Desire Your Presence.

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Why do some people instantly like us while others seem to be offended by our

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very existence?

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Is hitting it off and becoming friends with people purely a roll of the dice,

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or is there something more we can do to control our chances of connecting with

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people?

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For many people,

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likability does seem to be a game of chance.

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If you happen to sit next to someone who is similar to you,

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and who also happens to share a hobby or hometown,

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then you will have something to connect over.

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But statistically,

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that can’t happen with every new friend we make,

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so things aren’t quite adding up.

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As we saw from Little Albert and Pavlov’s dog,

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we are more influenceable than we might assume.

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People who see likability as completely organic and natural are somewhat

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misguided because cultivating a feeling of likability around yourself is just

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like any other emotion—it can be triggered,

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summoned,

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eliminated,

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and ultimately engineered.

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If we want to make someone angry with us,

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we certainly know what to do and how to adjust our behavior.

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If we want to make someone cry,

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we also know how to create that feeling.

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Likability is not much different;

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we push psychological buttons,

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but for a far more desirable outcome.

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We all have specific and subtle triggers that influence the way we view others

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and how they view us.

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Most of them are minuscule,

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subconscious,

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and mired in the minutiae—but these are the details that actually make the

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difference.

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If you went into a restaurant and saw only one cockroach hiding in the corner,

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well,

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it might be minuscule but still quite important.

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The first chapter of the book focuses on the small details that comprise our

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first impressions,

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an integral part of likability.

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First impressions run deep,

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are not subject to change,

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and are your first opportunity to be likable,

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so this is as good a place to start as any.

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Context-Dependent Memories.

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Memories have long been found to be context-dependent,

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first by Godden and Baddeley in 1975 in their breakthrough publication

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“Context-Dependent Memory in Two Natural Environments .- On Land and

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Underwater,” which means memories are heavily linked to the environment,

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events,

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sounds,

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feelings,

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and even smells that were present during the formation of the memory.

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The researchers found that either being on land or underwater led subjects to

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recall different sets of memories.

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We can see this in our everyday lives.

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For instance,

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this is why so many of us fall into bouts of nostalgia when we hear certain

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songs—the song is information that is linked to much more than the song

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itself.

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This is why smelling a whiff of a buttercream pie takes us back to our

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grandmother’s homes when we were children.

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This means memory is not a flat representation of a set of events—it’s a

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holistic,

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three-dimensional snapshot of everything that was happening at that exact

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moment in time.

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Whatever else you were experiencing at the time is linked to the memory and can

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be used to bring it back up.

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Our brains act as sponges,

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not focused lasers,

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and absorb both consciously and subconsciously.

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Obviously,

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we don’t always realize this because,

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by nature,

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the subconscious is beyond our awareness.

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But you might recall the feeling when you walk into your old school and

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suddenly memories come flooding into your brain as if on cue.

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But in fact,

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a 1994 study by Eich,

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Macauley,

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and Ryan titled “Mood Dependent Memory for Events of the Personal Past”

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found that memories were also mood-dependent.

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In other words,

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the mood we had when the memory was formed is also part of the memory.

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The information is in there somewhere,

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and Eich and his associates found that appealing to those hidden aspects of

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memories allows you to influence people’s moods for the better.

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The researchers created situations to put the participants in either good or

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bad moods.

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Then the subjects were given neutral words and asked what type of memories the

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neutral words evoked.

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Participants who were in good moods typically recalled positive memories while

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participants who were in bad moods typically recalled negative memories.

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And of course,

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the subsequent memories recalled served to further increase the moods they were

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in—misery and happiness both grew.

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Memory and mood are closely linked,

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and influencing one can influence the other.

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In other words,

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if we think about happy memories,

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our mood rises,

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and if we think about dreadful memories,

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our mood plummets.

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By itself,

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it’s not a huge revelation.

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If you think about puppies and kittens racing toward a bowl of food,

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you are likely to smile and laugh and get cheered up.

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But never before had it been shown that our moods can be so intimately tied to

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memories.

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It also works in reverse;

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thus,

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if we can conjure up memories from a mood,

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we can use memories to conjure up a mood—and remember that memories are both

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explicit and subconscious.

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By understanding this relationship,

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we can sneakily become more likable.

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We can’t control people’s moods directly,

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but we can control the memories that they are thinking about to do it

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indirectly.

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This is the first step in becoming a presence that people start to crave;

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if you either (1)

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directly talk about positive memories or (2)

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indirectly evoke elements that were present at the time of that positive memory

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(recall how holistic and three-dimensional memory is),

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people will slip into the mood they were in during that memory.

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For instance,

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suppose you know your friend Dorothy’s happiest moment in life was when she

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got married to her beloved beau Brian.

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Her wedding was in a garden with lots of balloons,

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pillows,

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and flowers.

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She had a themed wedding where everyone wore black and silver as a tribute to

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her favorite band,

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Kiss.

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Presumably she was in a good mood that day.

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So what would you do to improve Dorothy’s mood?

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You could of course mention her wedding and talk about how amazing it was and

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how beautiful she looked.

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But that’s something you already know and don’t need research to teach you.

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Instead of that,

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you would indirectly display or reference things that would remind her of that

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day.

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You might play Kiss music in the background,

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you might talk to her outside in a garden,

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and you might wear a black and silver shirt.

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You might even bring up a wedding you were at recently,

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since she has such a fond memory of weddings.

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Maybe none of these things in isolation would impact Dorothy’s mood,

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but taken together,

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these are powerful,

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indirect reminders and cues for one of her best memories.

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She will pick up on that and her mood will perk up—though she may not

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understand why.

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One more time for posterity - because our memories comprise everything our five

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senses can absorb,

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including our moods,

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directly or indirectly referencing that memory can lead to an improvement in

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mood.

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How can we wield this information?

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If you get a hint that someone is in need of a mood boost,

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you can talk about things,

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people,

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and events that were present when they were in fabulous moods.

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Reference their greatest triumphs or fondest memories.

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If you want to amplify someone’s good mood to elation,

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then do the same thing.

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Talk to people in terms of what makes them happy,

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and it will make them happier.

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It’s not a radical notion,

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and you didn’t necessarily need a scientific study to demonstrate this

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commonsensical approach.

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But now you know why it works,

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which allows you to be more intentional about it.

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For instance,

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if we want to improve someone’s mood,

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our first inclination might be to simply make a joke or create a distraction

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like an entire pizza and quart of ice cream.

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Those approaches are attempting to distract from the poor mood while

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referencing memories is a direct means of changing it.

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Take advantage of your knowledge of someone and pull them out of the doldrums

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by triggering their greatest hits.

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If you know James had a blast the last time he went skiing,

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bring up a story he’s told about it.

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Become his cheerleader.

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Have him retell it to you.

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Ask him about the logistics and whether or not he would recommend that

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particular ski lodge.

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Talk about the games he played that weekend.

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Casually reference a video of skiing tricks.

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Likewise,

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if James loved biking,

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you could mention his greatest biking adventure,

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his longest ride,

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his favorite bike,

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his biking buddies,

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or his latest gear purchase.

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It makes sense that people like to discuss their favorite topics,

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but now there is a deeper psychological understanding of why and what it does

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to someone.

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Like Pavlov’s dog,

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this isn’t a process that we are fully aware of until we reach the end result

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of suddenly salivating.

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Eich’s study was about influencing people’s moods,

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not necessarily improving them.

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In the context of likability,

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the only way you should be influencing people’s moods is positively,

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but this subconscious superpower can be used to take people’s moods in any

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direction you wish.

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It just won’t necessarily give you a pleasant outcome and subsequent

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association.

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No one is drawn to the person that reminds them of the last funeral they went

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to.

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The Power Of Association.

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There is an additional benefit to improving someone’s mood repeatedly - the

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power of association.

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If you play your cards right,

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people will subconsciously start associating their happy moods with you.

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You become part of their pleasant memory,

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and they begin to be drawn to you without a conscious understanding of why.

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When you are successful in creating a happy mood or dragging someone out of the

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dumps consistently,

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they will begin to associate you with those positive feelings.

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As you’ll discover,

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one of the running themes of this book is that human beings may appear complex

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and nuanced,

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but often we make choices that are incredibly straightforward and

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predictable—for instance,

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we will almost always make the decision to avoid pain and seek pleasure.

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You can come up with many theories about the motivations people have for

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certain things,

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but it’s a very streamlined decision-making process the vast majority of the

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time.

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So we tend to gravitate toward people who make us feel good and away from

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things that hurt us.

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We also gravitate toward people and things associated with the people who make

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us feel good,

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and this is called classical conditioning.

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Remember Pavlov’s dog?

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He would salivate in the presence of positive reinforcement and eventually was

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conditioned to salivate to only the sound of a bell.

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Byrne and Clore in 1970 with their reward/need satisfaction theory expanded on

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Pavlov’s findings and discovered that if people are nearby when we feel good,

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even if they were not involved in creating the positive feelings,

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eventually we begin to feel good whenever they are around.

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When people subconsciously begin to associate you with positive moods and

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emotions,

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you are going to be the bell that makes people smile without realizing why.

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Creating or being present during people’s great moods is one way to become

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associated with their happiness and for them to want you around.

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It’s like if you’re a baker and you need a rare kind of flour for your

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favorite cake.

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If you see the rare flour,

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you know you are going to have a chance to bake your favorite cake.

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It’s not about the flour,

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and it’s not about you.

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It’s what you represent and are associated with.

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The Positivity Spreader.

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There are two other main ways through which we can take advantage of being

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liked because others associate us with great feelings - positivity and

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compliments.

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The cliché stands true - positivity pays off.

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In our modern world,

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there are a lot of unpleasant people,

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and most people are too absorbed in their own muck to be cheerful to others.

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You’d be surprised how effective staying in a good mood,

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putting on a happy face,

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praising others,

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and acting positive is.

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In fact,

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there is a term for the contagious power of positivity - emotional contagion.

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This was discovered by Stanley Schachter in 1959 and describes how emotions

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spread from person to person,

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both good and bad.

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Emotions spread like germs or yawns;

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when you’re happy,

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people around you become happy.

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We all infect each other with our emotions if we’re not careful.

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And of course,

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people enjoy being happy,

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so they will naturally want to be around the causes of their happiness.

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They would rather not be dragged into other people’s problems and have to

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listen to various personal tragedies.

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People will associate positive feelings with you and subconsciously want to

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spend time around you—it’s the brain’s way of telling them to continue

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producing endorphins.

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For instance,

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suppose you brought donuts to every meeting you attended in the office.

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People will quickly begin to welcome your presence regardless of the meeting,

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and they won’t even realize that it may be because of the food instead of

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your shining personality.

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Eventually,

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they’ll just want you around,

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period.

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There’s nothing wrong with that as long as that’s where it ends,

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and they use the donuts as an opportunity to discover your charm and wit.

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Second,

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we all know that compliments make us more charming.

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Most people don’t receive compliments on a daily or even weekly basis.

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By giving someone even a shallow or cursory compliment,

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you might be 100% of their compliments for the entire week.

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This isn’t something that will go unnoticed.

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Compliment them on something shallow (if you must),

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their personality,

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or their opinion.

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Pay attention especially to compliments you can pay in recognizing something

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that someone has put effort into.

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Just put someone in a position to say thank you.

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But there’s a deeper level beyond mere flattery that benefits you even more.

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It’s called spontaneous trait transference.

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John Skowronski in 1998 coined this term and argued that people will associate

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to you the compliments and positive adjectives you give to them.

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If you call someone generous and kind,

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they will associate you with those traits as well.

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No,

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there is no logical connection,

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just a simple unconscious association.

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So give compliments more,

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and it’s a win-win situation for you.

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Shut Up And Let ’Em Talk!

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The final piece of the puzzle in creating a subconscious longing for your

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presence is the age-old piece of advice,

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likely popularized by Dale Carnegie and his famous book How to Win Friends and

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Influence People.

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Much of his advice is now derided as common sense,

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even though the very reason it’s deemed so obvious is because of his book.

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Perhaps one of his best pieces of advice was simply to get people to talk,

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or even brag,

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about themselves,

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because this will make them enjoy conversing with you.

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He was quoted as saying,

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“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other

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people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in

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you."

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Consequently,

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this is one of the most bandied about pieces of conversation advice.

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It turns out that Carnegie was correct,

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right down to the biological level.

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A 2012 study conducted by neuroscientists Diana Tamir and Jason Mitchell at

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Harvard University entitled “Disclosing Information About the Self is

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Intrinsically Rewarding” found that our urge to share personal information

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with others is one of the most fundamental and powerful parts of being human.

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Brain images showed that sharing information about ourselves triggers the same

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sensations in our brains that we experience when we eat food and have sex—two

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behaviors that we are biologically compelled to do.

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Thus,

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it seems we are biologically compelled to share and communicate our thoughts.

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One method that the researchers used to determine how much the participants

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valued being able to talk about themselves was to offer a modest financial

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incentive to anybody who would answer questions about other people instead.

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Some of the questions involved casual subjects about hobbies and personal

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tastes while others were about personality traits,

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such as intelligence,

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curiosity,

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or aggression.

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The researchers found that many of the participants were willing to pass up on

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the money,

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preferring the rewarding feelings of self-disclosure over financial gain.

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In fact,

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the average participant willingly gave up between 17% and 25% of their possible

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earnings just so that they could reveal personal information.

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Then they used a functional magnetic resonance imaging scanner (fMRI)

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to observe what parts of the brain were most excited when the subjects were

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talking about themselves.

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Again,

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they found a correlation between self-disclosure and heightened activity in

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brain regions belonging to the mesolimbic dopamine system—again,

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the same region that’s associated with the rewarding and satisfying feeling

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we get from food,

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money,

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and sex.

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It even happens when we speak about ourselves without anyone listening to us.

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That means that each party in a conversation or social setting is highly

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incentivized to talk about themselves from a neurochemical perspective.

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Dale Carnegie was in fact correct.

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How can we utilize this knowledge for our social success?

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Talking about yourself to some extent is natural,

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both biologically and within the flow of a conversation.

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It’s estimated that some 40% of what we say relates to expressing our own

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thoughts and feelings,

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and that’s because it is highly rewarding to do so.

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So change that ratio.

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The most important step for most will be to start imposing limits on themselves.

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Yes,

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it feels good to talk about yourself as the studies have shown,

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but when you do so,

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you are depriving others of the space and time to talk about themselves.

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And in the end,

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the goal is to make yourself more likable,

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not necessarily to feel better about social interaction.

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Be curious about others,

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ask them questions that give them the opportunity to brag,

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and generally let the conversation focus on them.

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Concentrate on their strengths and assist them in painting themselves in a

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positive light.

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Be a good listener and encourage them to continue talking about themselves.

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When’s the last time you asked someone five questions in a row without

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interrupting or interjecting with your own anecdote?

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What about ten questions?

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This is the exact type of interaction that feels good to people that we

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routinely deny them because we can’t resist our own pleasure of sharing.

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Takeaways -

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•Most people tend to rely on luck or happenstance to strike up friendships

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and be likable.

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They are passive and waiting.

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This is the wrong approach because it undermines your own abilities and limits

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you unnecessarily.

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The power is in your hands,

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especially when armed with subtleties and nuances in this book,

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to influence our likability and charm.

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•One way we can make people crave our presence is through memory’s

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context-dependent nature.

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This means that a memory is a three-dimensional snapshot of everything present

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at the time the memory was formed,

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including your emotional mood.

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Thus,

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to improve someone’s mood,

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we can directly or indirectly reference happy memories.

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•Eventually,

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after being present for people’s great moods,

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you yourself will become part of the positive memory.

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This is through the process of association,

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and it functions like the bell making Pavlov’s dog salivate.

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You will become that bell over time.

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•Positivity makes a bigger impact than you realize.

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People like being around other happy people,

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sure.

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But through the process of emotional contagion,

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your positivity will quite literally infect others.

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You will literally be the source of people’s happiness if you act the part.

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•We all inherently know that compliments and flattery will get you just about

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anywhere.

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But there’s another way that it benefits you and makes your presence

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important—spontaneous trait transfer.

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This is the phenomenon where whatever traits or adjectives you are using to

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compliment others will be applied to you.

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No,

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it’s not logical and it doesn’t really make sense,

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but that’s how our brains subconsciously make connections sometimes.

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•Finally,

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the art of disclosing feels as good as sex and food—to our brains.

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People like to talk about themselves and they derive a lot of pleasure from it.

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So encourage this.

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Ask questions,

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listen well,

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and keep the focus on other people.

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Make sure that you shut up from time to time.

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This has been

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The Science of Likability:

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67 Evidence-Based Methods to Radiate Charisma,

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Make a Powerful Impression,

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Win Friends,

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and Trigger Attraction (4th Ed.) (The Psychology of Social Dynamics Book 12) Written by

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Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.

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