Today’s story is “The Fool” by Madison Scott-Clary, an author and editor in the Pacific Northwest. She has four books out and several works available for free. She is editor-in-chief at [adjective][species], as well as at Hybrid Ink, an independent publisher of thoughtful writing. You can find more of her work on makyo.ink.
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog. I’m Khaki,
Speaker:your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and today’s story is
Speaker:“The Fool” by Madison Scott-Clary,
Speaker:an author and editor in the Pacific Northwest.
Speaker:She has four books out and several works available for free.
Speaker:She is editor-in-chief at
Speaker:[adjective][species],
Speaker:as well as at Hybrid Ink,
Speaker:an independent publisher of thoughtful writing.
Speaker:You can find more of her work
Speaker:on makyo.ink.
Please enjoy:“The Fool”
Please enjoy:by Madison Scott-Clary
Please enjoy:The badger looms over a small table,
Please enjoy:the short sleeve of her smock tugged down toward the table
Please enjoy:by a glass candy thermometer.
Please enjoy:A deck of colorful cards rest neatly stacked on its surface.
Please enjoy:Contrary to expectations,
Please enjoy:the room is bright and spacious.
Please enjoy:No hint of incense
Please enjoy:or dark velour drapes, just a simple living room in a simple home,
Please enjoy:a simple badger and some simple cards.
Please enjoy:She can't be older than fifty,
Please enjoy:and she's of a more motherly bent than a mystical one.
Please enjoy:More motherly than my mother, at least,
Please enjoy:I think. More earthy and far less mystical.
Please enjoy:"Tell me about your day, Avery,"
Please enjoy:she begins, and as I speak, she shuffles a worn deck of cards,
Please enjoy:nodding along with me.
Please enjoy:She draws cards yan tan tethera,
Please enjoy:and lays them face up on the table with a casual slowness
Please enjoy:that does little to distract from my words.
Please enjoy:Still, my language is stilted,
Please enjoy:and I find myself tracing the edges of the table with my gaze
Please enjoy:or watching her paws rather than making eye contact.
Please enjoy:"Now," she says when I trail off to an uneasy silence.
Please enjoy:The badger, the table and cards,
Please enjoy:a bright room with motes in afternoon sunbeams;
Please enjoy:an image more meaningful than I anticipated.
Please enjoy:And me - dingy clothes draped over a broad frame I never wanted -
Please enjoy:out of place. "Here are three cards.
Please enjoy:Look, and tell me the first thing you notice."
Please enjoy:"Notice?" I ask. I sound dubious even to myself.
Please enjoy:"Notice," she confirms.
Please enjoy:"What do you see? When you look at the cards, what jumps out at you?
Please enjoy:Colors, motions, angles and lines. What do you see?"
Please enjoy:I stare at the badger.
Please enjoy:She stares back, then lets out a kindly laugh
Please enjoy:and gestures down at the cards.
Please enjoy:Three cards, laid out in a line.
Please enjoy:I move my stare to those,
Please enjoy:more bewildered than anything,
Please enjoy:trying to pick out singular things.
Please enjoy:"From each of them?
Please enjoy:One at a time?" She shrugs,
Please enjoy:smiling not unkindly.
Please enjoy:Odd, I think. How such a small task could feel
Please enjoy:overwhelming. I puff out a breath of air,
Please enjoy:whiskers bristling,
Please enjoy:and tap at the first card.
Please enjoy:"Well, this one's upside down, for starters.
Please enjoy:The, uh...Page of Wands.
Please enjoy:Wands." Digging through memories,
Please enjoy:I try, "A page is like a squire or something, right?
Please enjoy:Someone who helps a knight?"
Please enjoy:"Yes, a young person, someone in training." She grins
Please enjoy:and nods down to the remaining stack of cards.
Please enjoy:"There are knights in the deck, too,
Please enjoy:but that's for another time."
Please enjoy:Whiskers still canted forward,
Please enjoy:I nod and hesitate for a moment.
Please enjoy:"So, what does it being upside down mean?"
Please enjoy:"You tell me." I roll my eyes.
Please enjoy:Still, she sounds kind rather than petulant or snide,
Please enjoy:so I think about upside-down cards.
Please enjoy:Upside-down figures, upside-down and tipped over,
Please enjoy:upset in the literal sense of the word.
Please enjoy:Upside-down meanings.
Please enjoy:Meanings inverted,
Please enjoy:reversed, turned over.
Please enjoy:"I think I see." I intend it as the beginning of a sentence,
Please enjoy:but seeing the badger's smile widen,
Please enjoy:I leave it at that.
Please enjoy:I shut out the other cards,
Please enjoy:focus on the Page.
Please enjoy:"In training, hmm? They looks like they're investigating or contemplating.
Please enjoy:The, uh...I guess the wand. The wand is the only thing growing,
Please enjoy:the only thing with green in the entire scene."
Please enjoy:"Learning about life.
Please enjoy:Investigating growth.
Please enjoy:growth." The badger nods, but neither confirming nor sage. Simply agreeing.
Please enjoy:"But reversed." "Not learning?"
Please enjoy:At this, I sense her expression close down.
Please enjoy:It's not a visible thing; it's a sensation of her
Please enjoy:movement of thought being put on hold.
Please enjoy:"Not...not doing anything with learning, perhaps?"
Please enjoy:The badger nods. I can see the clip on her thermometer holding it to the over-washed fabric,
Please enjoy:see beads of sugar still clinging to glass,
Please enjoy:bobbing with her movements. "Wands are
Please enjoy:for beginnings,
Please enjoy:for doing. Or perhaps activating is better.
Please enjoy:better." She sets a paw next to the card.
Please enjoy:"This Page - a bear, maybe?
Please enjoy:I've never figured that out -
Please enjoy:is learning,
Please enjoy:but not moving, not beginning.
Please enjoy:There is knowledge,
Please enjoy:but no decision." "Activation energy!"
Please enjoy:I blurt, and, seeing questions in her eyes, continue.
Please enjoy:"Like in chemistry.
Please enjoy:It's dorky, but there has to be enough energy for an electron to jump from one sphere to the next; it just
Please enjoy:sits there otherwise.
Please enjoy:It needs the proper amount of activation energy to get going."
Please enjoy:Questions turn to understanding,
Please enjoy:but her gaze stays locked on mine,
Please enjoy:waiting. "I don't have the energy."
Please enjoy:"Perhaps not. Or perhaps you do, but you're -
Please enjoy:you or something within you -
Please enjoy:is not letting it reach the activation.
Please enjoy:The energy may be there,
Please enjoy:but blocked." I have to restrain myself from a snide smile.
Please enjoy:A reaction to my mom's mysticism, maybe.
Please enjoy:To crystals and blocked energy.
Please enjoy:In the badger, though,
Please enjoy:I sense only earnestness.
Please enjoy:"Energy as in will?
Please enjoy:Purpose?" She shrugs.
Please enjoy:My choice, apparently.
Please enjoy:"Everything's yellow in the card--" "Energetic
Please enjoy:color, yellow." "-
Please enjoy:-yellow except for the black of the salamanders on their coat-thing."
Please enjoy:She nods, murmurs down to the card,
Please enjoy:"His creations, perhaps.
Please enjoy:How many full ones do you see?"
Please enjoy:I lean closer, nudging glasses further up my blunt snout.
Please enjoy:"Two, maybe three out of a dozen or so."
Please enjoy:"If the card were upright, those other ones would be creations yet to happen.
Please enjoy:happen." Her voice carries knowledge,
Please enjoy:and more authority than she's shown yet.
Please enjoy:"Reversed, that becomes flipped around.
Please enjoy:It could be creations abandoned,
Please enjoy:or it could be things you're afraid to start.
Please enjoy:"These cards named after people or titles -
Please enjoy:the page, the knight, the king, the queen -
Please enjoy:they're sometimes about people.
Please enjoy:Maybe this card's about you.
Please enjoy:Or they all could be.
Please enjoy:Maybe--" I smirk, nod my head toward the second card.
Please enjoy:"So I'm the fool?" "Maybe they're just facets of yourself.
Please enjoy:yourself." She finishes, returning my smirk.
Please enjoy:Thus chastened, I look at the second card.
Please enjoy:"Okay, well, there's a dog, one of those breeds with short fur,
Please enjoy:though it doesn't look like any of the dogs I've met.
Please enjoy:He's--" I catch myself,
Please enjoy:seeing androgyny in the dog's features
Please enjoy:and tamping down the yearning for my own.
Please enjoy:"They're stepping toward the edge of a cliff,
Please enjoy:with a little spirit thing dancing at their feet.
Please enjoy:They have one of those sticks with a bag tied to the end,
Please enjoy:but their tunic thing is what has me thinking.
Please enjoy:It's all growing things.
Please enjoy:things." I lean in closer and add,
Please enjoy:"And little splashes of water.
Please enjoy:Green and blue with flowers on navy."
Please enjoy:We sit in silence for a moment
Please enjoy:while I think about the card more.
Please enjoy:"There's a good balance of colors, come to think of it.
Please enjoy:More than the Page, at least.
Please enjoy:Blue and green and red and yellow.
Please enjoy:yellow." I hesitate, staring at the lean canine muzzle:
Please enjoy:the balance continues there,
Please enjoy:masculine and feminine,
Please enjoy:hard and soft, focused and uncaring.
Please enjoy:I say nothing, and wonder why.
Please enjoy:The older woman nods slowly.
Please enjoy:"It's a fancy shirt, no denying.
Please enjoy:It'd look good on you."
Please enjoy:I laugh, to which she looks up, smiling.
Please enjoy:"Seriously. It's a good mix.
Please enjoy:You're a good mix, too.
Please enjoy:But you wear all drab colors.
Please enjoy:Why's that?" There's a sudden flush to my cheeks, at my appearance being so deliberately addressed.
Please enjoy:I lay my ears back.
Please enjoy:A blush along with the first hints of annoyance.
Please enjoy:These are soon replaced with simple embarrassment.
Please enjoy:"I don't want to-- I mean,
Please enjoy:I don't think I'd look good in bright colors or fancy clothes."
Please enjoy:"I think you would.
Please enjoy:would." She hastens to continue,
Please enjoy:speaking over my mounting disagreements,
Please enjoy:"I think you'd look good,
Please enjoy:if you dressed how you wanted.
Please enjoy:Don't you?" I frown at her.
Please enjoy:She continues, "You didn't say you don't want to dress in bright colors and fancy clothes.
Please enjoy:You started to say you didn't want to do something else."
Please enjoy:I held my breath.
Please enjoy:Anger is the wrong word for what I feel.
Please enjoy:Frustration? Humiliation, perhaps.
Please enjoy:Am I so transparent?
Please enjoy:"I don't want to," I begin in a rush of pent-up breath,
Please enjoy:feeling that struggle blown out with it.
Please enjoy:My shoulders sag,
Please enjoy:and I complete the statement more slowly.
Please enjoy:"I don't want to be seen like that."
Please enjoy:"The fool, here, they're everything.
Please enjoy:They're the beginning of all things,
Please enjoy:and they've already got all of the endings inside themselves.
Please enjoy:At the beginning of all journeys,
Please enjoy:there's the fool:
Please enjoy:taking that first step is a fool's gamble, after all.
Please enjoy:all." She pauses, looking at me earnestly,
Please enjoy:intently. "You caught yourself earlier,
Please enjoy:you said 'he' and then switched to 'they'."
Please enjoy:I hunch down into my slouched shoulders,
Please enjoy:muzzle dipping as I struggle for words.
Please enjoy:"They looked-- I mean,
Please enjoy:It's on my mind, I guess."
Please enjoy:"I'll come clean," she admits after a pause,
Please enjoy:dark paws fiddling with the remainder of the deck,
Please enjoy:straightening cards.
Please enjoy:"Your mom told me you were coming,
Please enjoy:so I know that much.
Please enjoy:Even if she hadn't, though, it's written on your face.
Please enjoy:I mean this in the best possible way, Avery,
Please enjoy:but you don't make a very good man."
Please enjoy:I close my eyes.
Please enjoy:I shut out the cards,
Please enjoy:the motherly badger.
Please enjoy:Motherly in the sense of speaking truths,
Please enjoy:in the sense of knowing children,
Please enjoy:in having seen them grow up.
Please enjoy:Motherly in lived experience.
Please enjoy:Experience lived in the moment,
Please enjoy:not in some dream world of crystals and chakras.
Please enjoy:More motherly than my mom, I think.
Please enjoy:When I open my eyes, her gaze has softened.
Please enjoy:"Why three cards?" I ask, deflecting.
Please enjoy:"Past, present, and future.
Please enjoy:future." She laughs. I nod, then sit up a little straighter,
Please enjoy:murmuring, "So it's more that past me that didn't have the activation energy?"
Please enjoy:"Or didn't want to use it, yes."
Please enjoy:"That makes more sense, then." "How so?" I shrug, continuing, "If I'm at the beginning of something now, it's because of how much time I spent fretting -
Please enjoy:and not starting - before."
Please enjoy:She nods. "And are you at the beginning of something now?"
Please enjoy:"I think so." I sound dubious, even to myself.
Please enjoy:"Why now?" "College," I say.
Please enjoy:"Away from home?" "Mmhm." She nods again.
Please enjoy:"It's a little freeing, isn't it?
Please enjoy:Being away from parents.
Please enjoy:So you, like the Page of Wands,
Please enjoy:have been investigating,
Please enjoy:leaving all that energy pent up inside.
Please enjoy:And now you're ready to...
Please enjoy:to...to what? Take that step?"
Please enjoy:I catch myself fiddling with the hem of my shirt.
Please enjoy:It's an olive color,
Please enjoy:faded further into drabness by countless washings,
Please enjoy:no fancy tunic; even her washed-out smock is brighter than my shirt.
Please enjoy:It doesn't go with my fur.
Please enjoy:Nor do the well-worn khakis.
Please enjoy:A darker animal dressed in those would look rough and tumble, ready for a hike.
Please enjoy:A mountain lion looks like a mess of dirty laundry.
Please enjoy:I look up from my dull self to the table once more,
Please enjoy:speaking to the cards.
Please enjoy:"I have an appointment to start talking about it -
Please enjoy:talking about gender -
Please enjoy:with a counselor."
Please enjoy:"Congratulations," the badger says, smiling.
Please enjoy:And I realize she doesn't need to say anymore.
Please enjoy:I realize that's what I needed from my mom.
Please enjoy:I realize that's probably why my mom sent me here.
Please enjoy:I realize that there's probably more to my mom than I gave her credit for.
Please enjoy:I realize I've stopped thinking of this -
Please enjoy:the tarot card reading -
Please enjoy:as something mystical.
Please enjoy:I speak up, "The third card, then."
Please enjoy:The badger returns her gaze to the table.
Please enjoy:"It feels impenetrable to me."
Please enjoy:She laughs and shakes her head.
Please enjoy:"It's not a book. You're not writing a report on its deeper meanings.
Please enjoy:You're picking up on some of those meanings,
Please enjoy:but you don't have to do it right away or all the time.
Please enjoy:Or at all, for that matter.
Please enjoy:matter." Still grinning, guides my attention back down to the card with a gesture,
Please enjoy:badger and
Please enjoy:cougar looming over the table.
Please enjoy:"Just tell me what you see."
Please enjoy:Abashed, I return her smile as best I can.
Please enjoy:"Alright. It's a...
Please enjoy:a...well, I want to say a woman and a child being ferried across a lake or something,
Please enjoy:but the boat they're in has six swords in it. They're
Please enjoy:upright, like they've been stabbed through the bottom of the boat."
Please enjoy:"Stabbed? Like they're going through the wood?"
Please enjoy:"Yeah." "Is water coming up around them?"
Please enjoy:I look harder. The bottom of the boat is pitch dark.
Please enjoy:"I can't tell, but no one seems in a rush to get them out, anyway."
Please enjoy:This gets a chuckle.
Please enjoy:"No, no they don't.
Please enjoy:Maybe they're plugging the holes in the boat.
Please enjoy:Maybe it's best to leave them in."
Please enjoy:Nodding, I keep looking at the card.
Please enjoy:There are lines to draw the attention.
Please enjoy:The swords, the boat,
Please enjoy:the pole of the oarsman,
Please enjoy:the horizon, the water...
Please enjoy:water...the water. "The front of the boat, where the swords are, isn't sinking.
Please enjoy:The people still weigh something, though.
Please enjoy:Look, the back of the boat's low in the water."
Please enjoy:She nods, "Maybe they--"
Please enjoy:"Like they don't weigh
Please enjoy:anything," I add hastily,
Please enjoy:cutting her short. "--don't
Please enjoy:weigh anything, yes."
Please enjoy:I lay my ears back and grin,
Please enjoy:"Sorry, didn't mean to trample."
Please enjoy:She returns my grin,
Please enjoy:pats my tan paw in her black one.
Please enjoy:"You're excited. It's really nice to see." "So why swords?"
Please enjoy:"I don't know.
Please enjoy:What do swords do?" I laugh.
Please enjoy:"Cut and stab. Kill people. Stuff like that."
Please enjoy:"Fair enough," she chuckles.
Please enjoy:"Why would one do that?"
Please enjoy:Her words stop me short.
Please enjoy:"To...to kill," I begin.
Please enjoy:"But that's what I just said.
Please enjoy:Are you asking me why people kill each other?"
Please enjoy:She nods. "To get something,"
Please enjoy:I murmur, fumbling for words.
Please enjoy:"To gain something.
Please enjoy:To get what one wants,
Please enjoy:or needs." "So, since this is the Tarot
Please enjoy:and there's bound to be a lot going on here,
Please enjoy:can we just say the swords are a tool?"
Please enjoy:"Well, I'm not about to hack and slash my way to get what I want."
Please enjoy:She leans in close to me,
Please enjoy:stage-whispering,
Please enjoy:"I'll let you in on a secret.
Please enjoy:None of the cards in the swords suit -
Please enjoy:in any suits - show blood.
Please enjoy:Death, yes. Change, definitely.
Please enjoy:But no blood. It's hardly hacking and slashing."
Please enjoy:"But they're still--" She holds up a paw,
Please enjoy:"They're still swords,
Please enjoy:but they're tools. Swords show work.
Please enjoy:Strife, sometimes, sure; striving toward a goal.
Please enjoy:But what they is show work.
Please enjoy:These swords aren't working right now,
Please enjoy:they're just standing there.
Please enjoy:So where is the striving?"
Please enjoy:"Behind them?" I ask.
Please enjoy:"They figures are all facing away from something."
Please enjoy:"Or toward something."
Please enjoy:"So," I say hesitantly.
Please enjoy:"I'm going to go on a journey?"
Please enjoy:She laughs, "Can you guess what my next question would be?"
Please enjoy:I shake my head. "My next question would be:
Please enjoy:are you? And then you sit and think about it for a moment."
Please enjoy:"I sit and think a moment,
then say:no, of course not,
then say:it's about the work of going through something.
then say:The journey is the work.
then say:work." I hesitate, then nod and continue,
then say:more sure of myself.
then say:"Because I'm here at the beginning.
then say:I'm the fool, ready to take the step, and then I just have to take the next and keep going."
then say:She smiles and urges me on with a little gesture of her paw.
then say:"So if I was stalling by investigating every possibility,
then say:never starting," I say,
then say:nodding back to the first card,
then say:the Page of Wands.
then say:"Then I guess what I'm focused on is taking that first step,
then say:and after that, taking the next."
then say:"You're doing my job for me,"
then say:the badger laughs.
then say:My smile falters.
then say:"Fair enough, but what do I do?"
then say:"That's advice, kid.
then say:kid." That soft smile, again.
then say:She flips the cards over, one by one, and continues,
then say:"Advice comes from people, not from cards.
then say:And if I'm going to give you advice,
then say:you're going to need to tell me what's actually going on."
then say:She leans forward,
then say:folding her arms on the table,
then say:and looks past the cards and to me.
then say:So I tell her. I tell her all that stuff from childhood,
then say:all those stupid things -
then say:the dress-up, the questions,
then say:the uncomfortable guidance,
then say:the frustration at forced roles.
then say:I tell her all those things
then say:that meant nothing,
then say:may still mean nothing, and yet add up to a picture
then say:of a different me
then say:than who I am now.
then say:A different shape,
then say:a different body,
then say:different face and voice and name.
then say:I speak more freely than at the beginning of the session.
then say:I tell her about my mom,
then say:about telling her bits and pieces of my feelings,
then say:and her insistence
then say:at first that it was just a blockage of energies,
then say:and then her reluctant acceptance.
then say:I tell her about my dad,
then say:and how terrified I am of him and his iron grip on masculinity.
then say:I tell her about leaving for school and deciding that becoming my own self mattered more
then say:than their financial assistance
then say:and what belongingness they could offer.
then say:"Your mom sent you to me,"
then say:she states again,
then say:after a comfortable silence.
then say:"Did you tell her any of this?"
then say:I shake my head. "She knows just that I'm, er--"
then say:"That you're transgender?"
then say:she finishes for me.
then say:"Would that be fair to say?"
then say:"I...yes, that's fair."
then say:"But you don't want to say it?"
then say:she asks, kind eyes on my own.
then say:"You don't have to,
then say:can just say yes or no."
then say:"No. I mean, I don't want to say it,
then say:but I should. Maybe that's part of the first step.
then say:step." I hesitate for a second,
then say:ears flat and eyes averted, before murmuring,
then say:"She just knows that I'm trans."
then say:The badger nods, unclipping the thermometer from her smock
then say:and turning it over in her fingers.
then say:"Alright. And she sent you to me for advice?
then say:She told me to talk to you, mentioned vague facts."
then say:"Yeah, she told me to go to you to work on things.
then say:things." I give a wry smile and add,
then say:"Her words, not mine."
then say:She laughs and sits back in her chair,
then say:slouching and twirling that thermometer.
then say:"Your mom is nuts,"
then say:she says. "I mean that in the kindest way, of course:
then say:I love her dearly.
then say:Have since school.
then say:I suspect she wishes the world worked differently for her.
then say:And for you, for that matter."
then say:The unabashed laugh and words of affection are contagious
then say:and have me grinning.
then say:"Yeah, she's nuts," I echo.
then say:"Still, can't say I'm upset with what I got out of this."
then say:"The cards, you mean?" "Yeah.
then say:I was expecting fortunes, I got--"
then say:"You got what you had when you came in the door,"
then say:she asserts. "And a chance to talk it through.
then say:Now, you want my advice?"
then say:"Yeah. I want to know what you think I should do next."
then say:"About which bit?" "Coming out, I suppose.
then say:suppose." I scuff at the back of my neck,
then say:paw feeling clumsy.
then say:"Maybe starting transition."
then say:"Well, it sounds like you're on your way to both, right?"
then say:She clips the thermometer back to her smock
then say:and straightens the remainder of the tarot deck in deft paws.
then say:"You've told your mom, and you have that appointment, right?"
then say:I nod, brushing fingertips over the overturned cards
then say:left on the table.
then say:It felt like we were both acknowledging their presence in our own ways.
then say:"But I still haven't told dad,
then say:and I'm still freaked out what the counselor will say."
then say:"Anxiety, then?" she offers,
then say:waving a paw above the cards.
then say:"A bit of the Page of Wands still left over?"
then say:I nod again, silent.
then say:"Do you want to dig at that?"
then say:"Mmhm. Do you have any thoughts on how to get past that?"
then say:She shuffles the cards and opens her mouth to speak,
then say:but I interrupt, "Wait, don't tell me.
then say:Now you'll ask if I have any thoughts on how to get past that." Her laugh is kind and
then say:her fingers sure as she slips another card from the top of the deck,
then say:laying it flat on top of the first three.
then say:The image shocks me enough to get me to sit up straight,
then say:as if by gaining some distance from the card itself I could escape it.
then say:"What the hell?" "The ten of swords," she says,
then say:voice level, conversational.
then say:I count the swords sticking out of the anonymous figure's back.
then say:Ten. A feline laid flat on his front,
then say:a dark sky, a calm shore,
then say:and ten swords buried in his back,
then say:each as high as the cat himself. I clear my throat and
then say:manage, "I thought you said there wasn't any bloodshed in the swords."
then say:"Do you see blood?"
then say:Despite everything urging me not to do so,
then say:I lean in close and inspect the figure.
then say:"No," I admit. "Though his cloak is red."
then say:"The color of passion.
then say:And yellow, the color of action."
then say:"The dawn's yellow, too,"
then say:I offer. I sound dubious, even to myself.
then say:"Dawn, then?" The older woman looks down at the card curiously.
then say:"Dawn or sunset?" I frown and shake my head.
then say:"Dawn, I think. It always feels like dawn chases the night,
then say:but sunset gives in to it."
then say:"Poetic," she says, and her smile is earnest.
then say:I count the swords again.
then say:"One in his ear, one in his neck.
then say:Three or four in his back.
then say:back." I stifle a giggle and murmur,
then say:"That's a lot of swords."
then say:Her eyes brighten.
then say:"Isn't it? Overkill,
then say:in the truest sense of the word.
then say:Like an overreaction."
then say:A thought occurs to me,
then say:and I lean in over the table.
then say:"Staring at the dawn,
then say:killed ten times over.
then say:Look, the water's even clear,
then say:like the--" I lift the last card up to peek, and continue,
then say:"Like the six. Like me staring at coming out and poking a billion holes in the idea without ever taking the step."
then say:Her eyes stay bright.
then say:"Maybe it's an alternative to the six, then.
then say:Too much emotion,
then say:not enough action.
then say:Passion and action
then say:pinned down, rather than the work of the six.
then say:You could keep taking those steps,
then say:or you could keep killing yourself with indecision."
then say:I nod eagerly and ask on a whim,
then say:"What's it like reversed?"
then say:She gives a little shrug and turns the card over for me to see.
then say:"The swords fall out -
then say:that's a relief - but he's still dead, isn't he?
then say:Resigned to his place on the shore."
then say:"Sure enough," I laugh.
then say:"Wait, 'he'?" "You said it first," she says playfully.
then say:"Seriously, though,
then say:most of the figures are ambiguous. Or androgynous, I think.
then say:What you read into them can mean something if you let it."
then say:"It could be nothing,"
then say:I mumble. "Or it could be the old me.
then say:The 'he'." She shrugs.
then say:My choice, apparently.
then say:A chime interrupts us,
then say:me staring at the card
then say:and her smiling at me.
then say:A clock tolling slow hours.
then say:I check my watch to confirm it.
then say:Five. "Oh jeez, I'm sorry.
then say:It's way later than I thought."
then say:She laughs, "Conversations go where they will.
then say:There's no rush. I can pull together dinner for two if you want to stay.
then say:stay." She taps at the thermometer with a grin,
then say:"I even made marshmallows, though they'll be sticky still."
then say:"No, it's alright. Thank you.
then say:I'm getting pretty tired, as it is.
then say:is." I shrug, realizing just how true that statement is.
then say:"This took a lot out of me."
then say:"It does that. It's a wonder we need exercise at all, when just thinking about things wears us out."
then say:I laugh with her,
then say:nodding. "Still," she continues.
then say:"You're in town, now.
then say:Don't be afraid to stop by, say hi.
then say:There's lots more we can talk about, cards or no.
then say:Don't wait for your mom to push you my way."
then say:I lever myself up from the chair,
then say:swishing ropy tail once or twice to make sure it hasn't fallen asleep,
then say:and offer my paw to the badger.
then say:"I won't. I know she thinks we'll work on things,
then say:but I just want to talk.
then say:This was more than I expected.
then say:I didn't know I needed--"
then say:She bypasses my offered hand
then say:and gives me a firm hug around the middle.
then say:Startled, I hold still.
then say:She smells of sweets.
then say:Sweets and baking.
then say:I feel unfortunately tall.
then say:A rectangle. A lummox. A big, dumb
then say:cat. I also feel understood,
then say:appreciated. Welcomed.
then say:I return the hug carefully.
then say:Then, with her farewell in my ears,
then say:take that first step
then say:out into the evening air.
then say:And then the next.
then say:This was “The Fool”
then say:by Madison Scott-Clary,
then say:read for you by Khaki,
then say:your faithful fireside companion.
then say:Thank you for listening
then say:to The Voice of Dog