Do You Like Your Reasons? - Burning Brightly

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Do You Like Your Reasons?

Episode 56 • 8th August 2024 • Burning Brightly • Bonnie Wiscombe

Speaker: 00:00:00

You're listening to episode

56 of burning brightly.

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Do you like your reasons?

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This is Burning Brightly, a podcast

for Christian moms who are feeling

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called to build a business and

share their light with the world.

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I'm Bonnie Wiscombe, a life coach,

mom, and entrepreneur, and I'm honored

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to be your guide as you face this

business building adventure full of

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highs, lows, and everything in between.

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This is where we help each

other find the courage to shine.

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Hello friends.

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Welcome back.

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If you were listening on a podcast

app, just know that this audio

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is coming from a YouTube video.

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You can find me over on my YouTube

channel, youtube.com/bonnie whiskey,

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but I am doing a lot more over there.

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And so come join me if you want

to see my face, otherwise, keep

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listening on your podcast app.

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But that is how we're

doing things nowadays.

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So today.

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We are going to be talking about

the reasons that we do things,

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the reasons behind our actions

and why they matter so very much.

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So to start off, I always love to

give you a definition, especially when

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we're talking about a very specific

word and the definition for the word

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reason is a basis or a cause for

some belief action event, et cetera.

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So a basis or a cause is

what we're talking about.

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It's also an objective,

an aim or a purpose.

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So sometimes reason is kind of a softer

word, but I think the word objective

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or purpose is a much heavier word.

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So those I'm going to use kind of

interchangeably today when we're talking

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about our reasons behind things, we're

also going to be talking about our

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objective or our purpose for doing

and saying and thinking certain ways.

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Okay.

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Now, remember the model that

I've taught you guys before

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the head heart hands model.

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It goes like this, something happens.

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We think a thought, we feel a

feeling because of that thought.

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And then we take action

and we get a result.

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All right.

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So just like different thoughts

can create similar results.

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I'll give you an example in a minute.

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Different reasons and our life

can also create similar results,

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but there's still a difference.

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So let me give you an example.

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I might want to lose weight.

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Now there are a million different

reasons why you might want to lose

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weight, but let's just talk about two.

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One might be, I want to

look amazing in a swimsuit.

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Another potential reason could be, I want

to lose weight to get and feel healthier.

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Okay.

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Two different reasons.

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I want to look amazing.

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Wanna feel better?

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Now these models would start

with different thoughts, right?

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Something like I want to lose weight

to feel better, or I want to lose

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weight to look amazing regardless.

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They would probably yield the same result.

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I would probably feel motivated.

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I would probably avoid

sugar and go to the gym.

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And I would likely lose weight

and meet my goal of either

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looking good or feeling better.

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But what I want to point out is

that they are not the same.

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Having different reasons

does make an impact on us.

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And I want us to be very clear about

what our reasons are because they matter.

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Now, some people might disagree with me.

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They might say who the heck

cares, what our reason is.

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As long as we get the result we want,

as long as I lose the weight, who cares

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if I want to do it because I wanna look

amazing in a bikini versus I want to

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do it because I want to avoid diabetes.

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Does it really matter?

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I think it does.

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I'm going to give you three reasons why

it does matter, because I think that

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on a subconscious level, And when the

going gets tough, it's going to be very

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difficult to duplicate the same results.

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As we had before, if we

don't really like our reason.

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So we're going to get really clear on

what our reasons are for things and how to

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change them if we don't like them, because

you might, you probably are operating

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in a lot of different ways in your life.

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From reasons that you don't

really like, and that's okay.

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Sometimes I just have to force

myself to do something that

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I know I should be doing.

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Even if I don't have good

reasons for it, right.

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Let's take the health one.

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Sometimes I just force myself to eat

vegetables because I know they're good for

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me, even though I don't really like them.

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Or they're not my favorite

or I'd rather have a cookie.

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So the reason behind it might be just

because I should, but hopefully I will

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develop habits that actually changed

my reasons into, oh, I actually kind of

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like cucumbers and Brussels sprouts now.

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So I note those are two

of my favorite vegetables.

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So I actually do like those, but

there are some that I do not.

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So the important thing to remember is

eventually we want to make our reasons.

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In keeping with our value set or else.

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Our actions are just not

going to last very long.

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Now the example I just gave you

ended up with the same feeling,

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same action, same results, right?

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I wanted to lose weight.

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Either for looking better

or for feeling better.

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I felt motivated.

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I avoided sugar.

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I went to the gym and the result was

that I lost weight in both examples.

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But what about when you're starving

and you didn't have time to meal prep

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and your husband brings home donuts?

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Which of those reasons is going to be more

likely to help you avoid those doughnuts.

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Which one, it there's no right or wrong.

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One.

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It might be different for

you than it is for me.

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For me, probably the idea of being healthy

and sticking around longer for my kids.

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It's going to be way more motivating

than just looking good in a swimsuit.

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Maybe for you, it would be

different and that's okay.

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Just be very clear about what those

reasons are, because if it's the right one

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for you, the one that's more in keeping

with your value set, you're going to

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be a lot more likely to stick with it.

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Longterm.

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Another maybe temptation example

here is what about a diet soda?

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It has zero calories.

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So it's not really going to make you gain

weight per se, but it's also not healthy.

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So you probably say yes to the diet soda.

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If you just want to look good in

a swimsuit, but if you were going

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for health, you might say no.

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So all of a sudden things get a little bit

muddier when those reasons are different.

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One last example, I'll give you

that might be a little bit clearer,

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especially for the moms out there is.

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What about a child who you've

taught not to cheat on his exams?

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One of these kids might believe

that he's not going to cheat

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because it's morally wrong.

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That's his belief that it's morally wrong.

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Another one might not cheat

because the teacher's watching.

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Maybe he doesn't care if

it's morally wrong or not.

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He's just not going to cheat because

he didn't want to get in trouble.

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Do those reasons matter?

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Yeah, I believe they do because when

the teacher walks away, what happens.

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The kid who believes it's morally

wrong, it's still not going to cheat.

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The kid who is just watching out for

the teacher definitely is going to.

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And if you believe that

cheating is morally wrong.

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Then obviously you're going to have an

opinion about that one way or the other.

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So if reasons really do matter

and they matter more than are

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actions, which is what I am.

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Arguing today.

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Let's talk about why.

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No, there's three main reasons.

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Number one.

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If we have reasons in alignment

with our values, then we will work

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harder and longer on our goals.

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Because the reasons are very

important to us, believing

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that cheating is morally wrong.

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Someone would feel like in the

fiber of their soul, I'm not going

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to do that because morally these

values are very important to me.

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Versus just not pleasing the teacher,

like whether or not somebody likes me

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is way less important to me than whether

or not I am operating out of a morally.

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Good space,

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again, not right or wrong.

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You get to just decide.

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Is this in keeping with my value set?

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So number one, we will

work harder and longer.

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If our reasons are in keeping

with our value set, number two,

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we will experience more integrity.

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Have you ever felt like you, your

actions are in keeping with your values?

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That's integrity.

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It feels much better than the opposite.

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So we'll talk more about that.

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Number three, we are more inspiring

to other people when you watch people

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living, and keeping with their values

who have really good, deep reasons

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for the things that they do it is.

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Awe inspiring.

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And jaw-dropping, it's amazing.

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I love watching those people and I want to

be one of those people for other people.

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I'm saying people a lot,

but anyway, The point is.

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It's incredibly inspiring

and motivating to watch.

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So let's first talk about

working harder and longer on our

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goals when we like our reasons.

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When our reasons resonate with

our soul, they are very important.

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Like I said, they are woven

into the fiber of who we are.

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Deep down.

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Let's go back to this swimsuit

one, the losing weight.

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Deep down looking good in a swimsuit does

not really matter to me in my values.

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I'm not saying it's wrong or that it's

shallow, but it's not as important to me

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as being healthy and caring for my body.

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Now that wasn't always true.

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When I was 18 years old, I would say

those do were flip-flopped because

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at 18 I felt like I was an immortal.

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It didn't matter what I ate or what I did.

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I was going to live forever.

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And looking good in a swimsuit

was critically important

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for my brain at that point.

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It meant fitting in with a crowd.

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It meant being desirable

for a future spouse.

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It meant a lot of things that

it doesn't mean to me now.

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So back then, I think my reason

would have been the other one and I

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probably would have been okay with it

because I didn't have the perspective

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and the wisdom that I do now.

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So please don't misunderstand

me that I'm not saying that some

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reasons are better or worse.

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But they might be better or worse

for you, which reason is better

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for you and your value set.

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So looking good in a swimsuit for

me personally, right now, it would

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not be worth the time and effort

required to take great care of my body.

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It wouldn't be worth the sacrifice

of passing up the donut or the

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cake or whatever I really wanted.

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When I take action now, though, in keeping

with those deeply held beliefs and values.

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Then I become a stronger

version of that self.

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I am operating more in integrity and I

become a stronger version of that person.

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And I love that feeling.

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Now, if you feel like your

reasons are not in keeping with

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your values, don't despair.

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You can totally change them.

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We can train our brains to work this way.

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We just have to be aware of it.

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So that's what we're doing first

is we're gaining awareness.

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Another personal example is after my

last baby, I started lifting weights

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again, I'd done it as a teenager

and as a young adult and I loved it.

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I'd just gotten out of a habit.

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Not a lot of time raising

a bunch of babies, right.

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So I went back to the gym and I

started working with a trainer and

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I started lifting weights and mostly

I was doing that to lose weight.

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I had probably 30 pounds to lose.

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I was uncomfortable.

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I felt unhealthy.

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I was eating not great.

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Now that was motivating at the start.

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But it was not the weight loss

that kept me going, because

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now I've been lifting weights.

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Consistently for over three years.

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In fact, that weightless took

probably more than two of those years.

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So it definitely wasn't like, oh

me losing five pounds every week.

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That's keeping me going to the gym.

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It wasn't that at all.

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It became the dopamine hit.

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I got, when I got to the gym, it

became the feeling of strength and

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accomplishment that I got when I was able

to increase the weight that I was lifting.

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All these other factors started

stepping in and became my

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reasons for going to the gym.

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And in the end, the weight loss

was just kind of a site of benefit,

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even though I hit initially been

the reason why I started pay close

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attention to the things that you're

doing and why you're doing them.

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And if you don't like your reasons,

could you find better reasons?

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. , it doesn't mean you don't get the

result of what you're looking for,

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but the reasons do really matter if

they're in keeping with your values.

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Now my fitness and health goals

have changed a little bit.

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Right now I'm currently

training for a triathlon.

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And so I have a lot of desire

to be fast, to be strong.

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And I want to be an example of my kids.

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A couple of my kids are gonna

do this triathlon with me.

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So that has me in the gym,

like six to eight times a week.

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I had no idea.

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Three years ago that I'd

ever want to do that.

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It sounded like a chore back

then, but now it's fun for me.

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Because of all these other

reasons I want to be strong.

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I want to be a good example.

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I want to feel healthy and it feels

amazing to me to do these activities.

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Now looking good in a swimsuit

would never have done that for me.

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Never.

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Because that's not how I operate.

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It might do it for someone else.

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Like I said, not innately a bad reason.

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For example, let's say that you have a

job that requires you to stay in shape.

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Maybe you're a firefighter or

maybe you're a fitness model.

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And if you gain 30 pounds or don't

go to the gym or, you know, eat

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unhealthily, you're gonna lose your job.

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Obviously that is a much deeper

reason than to just look good.

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When I show up at the

pool with my friends.

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For me personally, it wasn't the

reason that was going to motivate me.

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What is the reason that would

motivate you and is the most

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in keeping with your value set?

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So that's the first one.

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When we really like our reasons,

we are going to work harder

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and longer on our goals.

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The second reason is we

experienced more integrity.

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Now integrity is not a super

popular term these days.

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I don't know if you've noticed.

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Uh, no, one's walking

around going, you know what?

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I just really liked that guy.

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He's just such a great

example of integrity.

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No.

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And yet I think all human

beings value, integrity.

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We want someone who is honest

and trustworthy and who talks

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the talk and walks the walk.

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We don't want people that are too faced.

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We don't want people that

are emotionally manipulative.

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We don't want people that are

saying one thing and doing another.

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And yet nobody really acknowledges that.

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That is integrity.

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That's what I want from myself.

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That's what I want from my spouse and for

my children and from everyone in my life.

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So how do we live more in integrity?

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Well as a kid, I actually, this

was actually a big lesson I learned

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through a variety of experiences.

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But integrity, like I said happens when

you live in keeping with your values.

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So let's talk about business for a second.

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What does it look like

to live in integrity?

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When it comes to building a business?

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While there's a lot of different

reasons you can build a business, right.

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A couple of my reasons are

I love feeling fulfilled.

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I come into my office and I work

on projects and I help people.

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It feels so good to me.

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I feel like I'm making a difference.

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I want to have an impact on the world.

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I want to help people that feels amazing.

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And I also want to make more

money for my family to bless

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us with some financial freedom.

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Be able to take vacations, be

able to make sure that my husband

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doesn't have to work so much.

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Now.

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Those three reasons, making a

difference, feeling fulfilled,

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making more money for my family.

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Those are really in

keeping with my values.

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But my reasons for building

business, we're not always

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super in integrity for me.

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There was a time that I equated business

success with popularity and feeling cool

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and fitting in with the other influencers.

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And money for reasons that were

not in alignment with my values.

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And I could tell back then

that it didn't feel as good.

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And I could tell that I was

operating from a place that wasn't

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really true to who I wanted to be.

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Back to number one, I am so

motivated to work on my business.

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When I think about the people I can help.

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In fact, this was one of my.

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Top tips for people.

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I know I've mentioned

on the show before, is.

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If you were feeling unmotivated,

if you were feeling like you don't

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want to work, if you're feeling like

you're struggling in your business.

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Think about the people you're helping

think about the people that you

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can help that are still suffering

because you're not out there doing it.

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So when we think about those people,

we get into this place of service

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and we become less obsessed with

ourselves and we're more motivated to

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do things that can help other people.

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I'm the most motivated when I think

about the people I can help because

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I'm staying true to my values.

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When I think back to other people

that I have helped already.

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My one-on-one clients and people

who have seen a big transformation.

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Thanks to what I've done for them.

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I'll I'll come to my office

and be here for hours.

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I will do whatever it takes to

find more people that I can help

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like that because it feels so good.

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Now.

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Conversely.

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I could tell myself that the only

reason I'm building a business

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is because I want a multimillion

dollar home and a range Rover.

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That for me personally would not make

me work on my business from a place

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of integrity because those things

are not really important to me.

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I'm not saying they're not nice.

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I'm not saying I wouldn't want them.

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I'm just saying when the going gets tough.

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And when I want to feel really true to

me, that is not what would do it for me.

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And if it does it for you, Fantastic.

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Put it on your dream board,

like make it motivate you,

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but get really clear about

whether or not that's in keeping

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with your values and why,

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like if you really want

something beautiful and

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gorgeous and, and financially.

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Extravagant is it to impress somebody

like, like what is the real root

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reason, ask yourself that and make sure

that you're in love with that reason.

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So here is an exercise.

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I can give you, and it's very eyeopening,

sometimes a little bit alarming, but

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I think it's super, super helpful

for trying to determine whether or

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not we have reasons that we love.

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Ask yourself, this question, would you be

willing to sacrifice one of those reasons

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for another to get the same result?

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For example, If you want to lose weight.

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And you're wondering if it's for

health reasons or if it's to look good.

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Would you sacrifice your

health to look good?

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Or would you sacrifice

looking good for your health?

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So, if you had a choice where

it was, I'm either gonna L.

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Lose the weight, but it's going

to be crappy for my health.

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Or I'm going to do something that makes

me really healthy, but I'm not going to

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lose the weight, which would you choose?

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That can be really eye-opening.

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Oh yeah.

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Actually I'm not willing to sacrifice

my health to be a size six or yes.

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I am willing to sacrifice

my health to look like this.

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Just ask yourself that.

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Again, building the business.

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Would you sacrifice a feeling of

fulfillment to get that range Rover?

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Or vice versa, ask yourself which one

you'd be more willing to sacrifice.

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That can be very, very clarifying.

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Now, please do not use

this to guilt yourself.

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You guys know, I talk about this

a lot when we are learning about

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our brain and our reasons and our,

and our thoughts and our feelings.

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We're not going to use it to

then feel bad about ourselves.

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Like, oh my gosh, I totally want

a range Rover over serving people.

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I am a terrible human being.

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No, you're not.

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You have a very good reason for that.

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Why?

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Maybe it's because you, your family

always had cars that broke down

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while you were growing up and

all you want is a brand new car.

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That's not going to cause you car trouble.

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Let me just tell you that I did grow

up with cars that broke down all

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the time, and it is one of the most

stressful things on planet earth.

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So there is no judgment there.

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But get really clear, right?

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Sometimes when we want a physical

possession, there is a deep seated.

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Emotional reason for that.

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So find out what it is, because that

will fuel you more than anything else.

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And ask yourself, did I maybe borrow

somebody else's reasons for this?

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How can I get back into

integrity for myself?

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The third reason that we want to be

very clear about liking our reasons is.

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To be inspiring to other people,

to be motivating to other people,

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to make a difference in the world.

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Let me ask you this.

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Who's wealth is more inspiring to you.

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A business owner who has built

something that was their life's

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mission that they felt passionate

about, or someone who inherited it

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all and didn't do anything for it.

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Probably the business owner, right?

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Because it took blood, sweat,

and tears and intense motivation

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and work to get where they are.

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Whereas the inheritor probably didn't.

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So I'm way more motivated to see someone

working from integrity and working

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from reasons that really, really matter

to them because that can't be faked.

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You can see it when somebody is

working from that place of integrity.

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Another example of where we

could check our reasons is in

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spiritual or personal development.

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So I tell myself all the time, there

are lots of things I should do.

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I shouldn't be praying and I should

read my scriptures and I should meditate

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and I should serve other people.

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But do I want to do those things?

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Because someone told me I should,

or because I want to check a box.

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Or because I want to become

something better or because I want

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to serve God, because I believe

he's asked me to do these things.

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What are those real reasons?

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And again, It's okay to check the box.

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Sometimes I just have to

force myself, you know what?

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I actually have a great app I've

been using lately things three.

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I'll talk more about it sometime if we're

going to talk about organization, but.

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It's basically just a glorified

checklist and every day I

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have read scripture on there.

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And there are days when I don't want

to do it, but I do it anyway because I

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check the box and it still benefits me.

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And little by little I'm desiring

more to do it, not just to check the

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box, but to become something better.

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So it's totally okay to start somewhere.

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With reasons that are kind

of wishy-washy to you.

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But taking the action sometimes

will help transform your reasons

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into something you really love.

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When I see someone who has become

something incredible due to their own.

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Self-improvement or spiritual improvement.

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I am so much more

motivated to do it myself.

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I'm so inspired.

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Rather than just seeing someone who's

checked the boxes, because it shows I can

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tell the difference between these people.

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And I bet you can too.

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We cannot deceive people about our

reasons because they're basically

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as plain as the nose on our face.

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Right.

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We can pretend, but people

can tell it shows through.

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And we don't want to pretend

to be something that we're not.

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You will attract the kind of people

who have, or want reasons like yours.

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That's how we band together.

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We create these tribes and these

communities with people who have similar

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values and similar reasons that we have.

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And even if you think you're

showing up with different ones,

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It's going to come back to bite you.

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So find and search out people who are

like you, or have reasons that you

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want to have and connect with them.

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So as a reminder, the three reasons

why we want to check our reasons to

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make sure we love them is number one.

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Because we will work longer

and harder on a goal.

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When we love our reasons.

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Number two, we will stay in integrity and

number three, we will be more motivating

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and inspiring to the people around us.

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Now I have one more caveat.

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I want to talk about here.

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Sometimes the result we get from doing

something is not a pretty result.

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But we do love our reasons.

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So for example, Sometimes in a

relationship we have to put up boundaries.

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You know, I've talked

about boundaries before.

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I might avoid someone's call because

I have a boundary that I can't talk to

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that person in this state that I'm in.

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There's a difference between avoiding

a call or not talking to somebody

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because I'm putting up a boundary out

of love versus I'm annoyed with them.

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The result of avoiding someone's call

seems like maybe not a great result,

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because my values generally say that

I want to connect with people who are

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important to me, but if I have a boundary

again, out of love, because I want to

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improve the relationship, that's a much

better reason for me than just being

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annoyed and wanting to avoid them.

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So take a look at your results.

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Having good reasons doesn't mean

all your results have to look

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pretty with a bow tied on top.

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Sometimes we do things that

seem out of keeping with our.

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Values, but they are actually in keeping

with them because of the reasons.

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So the result in the example I gave

you is not talking to the person.

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People might not like that, or

might have judgment for me, but my

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reason is what's most important.

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I'm operating from a place I love.

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Another example, maybe we experienced

something that looks like failure,

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but we like our reasons, for example,

Quitting a high pressure job and

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teaching school because we want

to have more time with our family.

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Maybe the rest of the world would be

like, oh, you just gave up that job.

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That's terrible.

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But you love your reasons.

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Cause now you get time with your

kids, or what about downsizing?

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Your beautiful home, because

you want to have time and

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money to travel with your kids.

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Again, the outside perspective

might be, oh, you just lost that

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beautiful home, but your reasons

are so much more important to you.

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Don't be so obsessed with

the result that you ignore.

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The reason.

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Sometimes we make choices that

don't make sense to other people

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because we love our reasons so

much in the end, it's your life.

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And only you will have to

live with your reasons.

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So make sure you love them.

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Do some soul searching.

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If there is a goal that you've

been working on and it's not been

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happening for you ask yourself are my

reasons in alignment with my values.

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And if they're not, how can

I tweak them until they are.

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All right friends.

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Good luck analyzing your reasons

that we will talk to you next week.

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Are you ready to start or

grow your dream business?

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Click the link in the show notes to

download the free starter guide to

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building a business or to schedule

a free coaching call And if you

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loved this episode, Don't forget

to leave a review and share it with

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a friend who might be feeling the

call to burn a little brighter.