Shownotes
As a mother of four, including a child with a disability, Alma Schneider has experienced her fair share of challenges. Yet, rather than letting those trials weigh her down, she's learned to lean into her passions, set healthy boundaries, and uplift those around her.
Alma describes herself as a "recovering 'I'm supposed to do everything' person". Ummmm…. I can relate. How about you? Through therapy and self-reflection, she's come to realize that the resentment she once felt stemmed from crossing her own boundaries and trying to live up to societal expectations of what a "good" mother, wife, and friend should be.
Now, Alma embraces her authentic, enthusiastic self, whether that means connecting people who can help each other, indulging in an ice cream cone in the middle of the day, or traveling to Paisley Park on a whim. As she says, "This is who I am. And there's nothing wrong with that."
"Resentment comes from crossing your own boundaries. Nobody's forcing me to do anything. But when I put myself in a position to do things just because I think I‘m supposed to do them, it causes resentment. Taking that out of the equation really makes a difference and allows me to engage better with my family."
5 Uplifting Lessons from Alma Schneider:
1. Honor your boundaries and say "no" without apology. Your time and energy are precious.
2. Embrace your multifaceted interests and passions - they all contribute to your wholeness.
3. Find joy in the in-between moments, even in the midst of difficult circumstances.
4. Authenticity is energizing. Don't be afraid to show up as your enthusiastic, quirky self.
5. Build a supportive community that lifts you up, not one that makes you question your intentions.
Keep up with Alma
- Nonprofit: http://www.1in6support.org
- Podcast: http://www.2momsnofluff.com
- Consulting: http:///www.1in6consulting.com
The Uplifters’ Web
- Alma was nominated by Jackie Wolf
- This week’s opening is by Gina Hamadey from episode 10
www.theuplifterspodcast.com
Transcripts
TUP EP 076
[:Aransas: Welcome to the Uplifters Podcast. Alma Schneider, thank you for joining me today. Thank you so much for having me. What an honor. Oh, it's my absolute joy. Tell us a little bit about [00:00:30] you and your uplifting.
Well, I am a mother of four. I am the founder of a few different organizations, one of which is called 1in6support.
[:So that has to do with cooking that has to do with music and it has to do with disability.
ounds like you're doing lots [:Yes, it has taken me a very long time to learn how to say no to other things that I'm not interested in. And I find that when I'm engaged in work that really has to do with my own interests and [00:02:00] passions, I am much happier, much less stressed and really energized, to be honest. It's like a natural, drug to keep going and as corny as it may sound to make the world a better place.
It's very gratifying to [:Aransas: I think calling it a natural drug is actually kind of an exciting frame for it because it is multiplying energy. Instead of depleting [00:02:30] it, which is what happens when we end up doing things that we don't want to do.
Oh, hey, friend, same thing. [:Yes, yes, it's true. You want me to talk a little bit about that?
Aransas: I'd love it.
u feel you're supposed to do [:And you know, my daughter always brings up a phrase that someone taught her, which is resentment happens when you cross your own boundaries.
Aransas: Ooh, writing [:Resentment comes from crossing your own boundaries. Nobody's forcing me to do anything. But when I put myself in a position, and I've done that for, you know, many years, not even realizing that I have [00:03:30] that in my head that, oh, I'm supposed to be doing this, and I'm supposed to be this kind of mother, and I'm supposed to take these kinds of actions, because That's just what you're supposed to do.
eally makes a difference and [:And that really does have ripple effects into the other members of the family and expectations that I have for them or for myself with them. Taking out the I'm supposed to really does allow me to engage better with [00:04:15] everyone. It took me a really long time feel that it was okay to say, I'm not comfortable doing this, or this is too much for me, or I need help.
re capable people. Yes. Just [:Aransas: Yeah. I think it's actually pretty dangerous, isn't it, to believe that [00:04:45] because not only do we take on more than we can carry, we take away what needs to be carried by others so that they can develop their strength by lifting.
Exactly.
hop and the presenters said, [:80 percent he said of the people will try to find someone else who will just do it for them. The whole thing. And do you really want to take your precious time doing that for someone who wouldn't even Do the [00:05:30] draft themselves when you were doing them a favor. And that really put things into perspective for me because I was the person who would, of course, I'll write you a letter of recommendation.
gs for people anymore unless [:Aransas: Yes,
because
Aransas: it is always a trade off.
Yes. And I [:Mm hmm. Absolutely. And that's, right, that self interest, that self reflection to understand who they [00:06:30] are in the world. Yeah. So I think the resentment thing is really powerful. So what does it look or sound like for you mentally, physically, when you are experiencing resentment? Yeah. Absolutely. Oh,
[:I'm, and again, this is really related to marriage, related to the kids or other people. The difference is I wouldn't get angry at other people. I would just feel the resentment instead of [00:07:00] stepping back and saying, what is not okay with the situation? And just the idea of not even being aware of it because it's so ingrained in you by society, by our own families.
rything herself, everything. [:I only had what was modeled for me and it took me a really long time and The only way that I realized that I was putting too much on myself and that it wasn't typical is through therapy. Being [00:07:45] in therapy, realizing that I am allowed, I, I don't have to do it. I'm putting that pressure on myself. Nobody was putting it on me.
That's what made you a good [:I've always been a, you know, yes, I'll, I'll do that for you. I'm, I'm able to do it, but being able to does not mean [00:08:15] we need to do it or that we should do it. So it's very hard to figure out. figure it out on your own, I think. I think it's almost impossible if that's in your DNA from growing up. So it's really, I really recommend that everyone, you know, seek [00:08:30] counsel if they're not feeling at their best.
Not feeling
ction with others, trying to [:aggravates the symptom. You got to take a step back and really, and honestly, it really does, whether talking to a good friend or talking to a therapist, it's always good.
I think, I think objective, [:Aransas: It's really important though, right? Yes. Because if you go to one therapist who doesn't feel like a fit and [00:09:15] you believe that's what therapy is, then therapy is not good.
experimentation, it opens up [:I feel that community is the most important piece of life, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, because community doesn't mean that you're fully engaged and doing everything that everyone else is doing. It's just being a part of [00:10:00] something. And you could be a silent part of that. You could be an engaged part of that.
work I've done, because I've [:And if we're not social beings, I think we have to look at that and see, is [00:10:30] that really our nature, or is that some kind of an anxiety or a reluctance for another reason? And it is something to be looked at, you know, and I don't want to speak in sweeping generalizations because some people really do prefer just to be by themselves.
I did [:Aransas: on Weight Watchers workshops for And I was always fascinated by how quickly people said, no, that's definitely not for me. [00:11:00] Mhmm. And then, if you would get them to walk in the door once and be a part of Community just once, they were like, Yeah. Oh, this is for me. I want more of this. Now that wasn't always true.
they're all very different. [:Yes. As a therapist, it's really interesting to ponder all of these things because for For the most part, we're all the same.
[:It really is. And if we feel safe in whatever community we're talking about. We are going to be able to do much more because when we're stressed, I think we all [00:12:00] know that we can't focus on anything if we're stressed. We need to feel safe and comfortable in order to move forward.
by saying, wow, y'all let's [:That we all feel a little bit awkward and a little bit uncertain about what it's going to be like to talk to a bunch of strangers and how about we just acknowledge that that's a part of [00:12:30] being human. Yes. And accept that we're not going to get to the really beautiful stuff unless we can just let that happen.
of the journey instead of an [:Music: Yes.
yourself and to be able to, [:Somebody once called me a yenta because I was trying to connect him with people that would help him. And I was so offended and so hurt. But I turned it around and I thought, What am I trying to get out of this? It makes me feel [00:13:15] good to help people. That was his problem. In our culture, people are very suspicious of people who simply want to help other people.
uplifter, I love to connect [:We have to have all these kinds of people in a society to make it function. And he [00:14:00] described an old man. Who, when he would go to a restaurant that he liked back when they were faxes, he would get home and the first thing he would do was fax everybody he knew telling them about the restaurant so that they [00:14:15] could go.
man because it made him feel [:I don't have any [00:14:45] ulterior motive. But other people are very suspicious. What's Alma's agenda? Like, why is she doing that? And I've had my close friends say to me that other people ask them, like, you know Alma better. What's, what's the real deal with her? What's up with her? And they're like, [00:15:00] this is who she is.
o they're trying to find out [:Of course, it's like a punch in the stomach when I hear that but I own it I do attribute it to that Malcolm Gladwell chapter because I was like i'm that [00:15:30] person other people do not do this If I have connections with two people who are experiencing something painful and I can make them feel better How could I not connect them?
One of the things that I really take from your story
Aransas: is this reminder [:I squeal. Some people think that's weird or they're suspicious of it.
I've had people say to me, like, take it down or not. It's hurtful because this is who
of these because nobody ever [:Because I always just thought it was a really good quality. And it is. It's a great quality. That is the, it is. And [00:16:30] I think those other people's stories about these things. can influence our beliefs about them. And so I have plenty of qualities that I, I have fear or judgment around, but enthusiasm is not one of them, luckily.
And I, I mentioned it [:without apology.
Yeah. It's without apology. It's like this is, you know, I like that. You know, and I have a sister, one of
Aransas: my sisters is [:And I think what I hear in your story is, yeah, I have these eight [00:17:45] things that I do and they all light up different parts of me. Yes. And they all fuel one another and they do make logical sense. Yes. 100%. And the logical sense you applied was,
I like them. [:I don't want to confuse people, but the truth is [00:18:15] I do a lot of different things. Some overlap, some don't, but they mostly overlap because I enjoy
ant, and we better be really [:Yeah, because people are drawn to people who do a lot because they know that we do a lot.
e, and so it makes it almost [:What else goes into [00:19:00] that for you? Being consistent and firm with them, because sometimes we run into people who will really push and well, all right, I'll do it and really holding firm and remembering, keeping your eyes on the prize of why you set [00:19:15] those boundaries and maybe having a little image in your mind of what's going to happen if you don't keep that boundary.
response is I don't want to [:So I need your help with it. [00:19:45]
Aransas: We worry about saying no sometimes because we're like, I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want to offend them. Yes.
do a good job or I will get [:And I don't want to, you know, do something half ass. And I like that we're both wearing purple.
Aransas: Ooh, we are. Matchy matchy.
myself is I Went to Paisley [:Aransas: I'm going to tell you, I just planned what I'm going to do for my birthday next year. Go to Paisley [00:20:30] Park? No, I actually, right before we got on the phone, my birthday's March 13th. I'll be 50. And I was like, what? Wait, let's have the next Uplifters Live on March 14th. Oh, good. I hope I'm invited. I want to come.
You're totally invited. I'm [:[00:21:00] people say, wow, you're really, you're gone all the time.
I would feel like it was an [:It's very interesting, but it's easy to turn it on ourselves. I have a son who has a very [00:21:30] serious syndrome that takes tremendous vigilance. He has a diagnosis of Prader Willi syndrome, and it requires a tremendous amount of care. I have to be on him all the time to make sure that he's safe. And he got [00:21:45] into a residential program that took me five years to get him into.
he will be at a residential. [:So yes, I am living my life because I've spent the last 20 [00:22:15] years kind of chained to the house for the most part. I'm really taking care of myself in that way, doing whatever I want to do. Pot is legal. I've leaned into that to make my days, you know, more [00:22:30] fun sometimes or just relaxing if I feel like it.
t do because I can't because [:Don't. Do the laundry. Do what, you know, really think about what is going to make me feel good [00:23:00] right now. And I often tell people to do that in between the shit shows that happen with children with disabilities. Even if you're with the kid, if you're going through a good period with them, really acknowledge it to yourself and take advantage of it whatever [00:23:15] way you can because It's not going to be like that in a month or in a week.
hose moments because it is a [:Aransas: questions is, what is this moment perfect for? And I feel like you are. I like that.
moment to be cool so that I [:You're living
[:Aransas: What? Yeah. It's really cool and really exciting to hear. Thank you. And for those out there listening who are curious to learn more about the syndrome that I will mention, Jessica Pate's episode on our podcast goes deep into Prader Willi [00:24:15] Syndrome. Uh, it was where I learned about it. And I think this idea for all of us to consider, how do I bring myself some joy?
times and they can feel like [:He's coming back. He's coming back. It's going to be so hard. Um, I am taking this time to do both. Like I'm going to have to plan [00:24:45] for when he comes back, but I'm really really invested in doing.
ndia, there are other things [:Aransas: What is this moment perfect for and what are my resources perfect for? What can I do with what I have and what vital inspiration for all uplifters?[00:25:15]
I'm so glad to meet you Alma. I'm so glad Jackie nominated you. Happy belated birthday. Thank
you.
very honest experience with [:Who wants to be happy and connected. Uplifters, thank you for listening. Let's go be awkward. [00:26:00] Let's be bold. Thank you for listening to the Uplifters podcast. If you're getting a boost from these episodes, please share Uplifters in your life. And then Join us in [00:26:15] conversation over at TheUpliftersPodcast. com, head over to Spotify, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast and like, follow and rate our show.
connect with more uplifters [:Music: Big love painted water, sunshine with rosemary. And I'm dwelling the perplexing, [00:26:45] though you find it flexing. Toss a star in half for be around best love for relish in a new prime land, a tree in springtime dance.
hindsight, bring the sun to [:Lift you up, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh [00:27:30] oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You Beautiful.[00:27:45]
It's that little thing you did with your voice. Right, in the pre chorus, right? I was like Mommy, stop crying. You're disturbing the peace.