Welcome!

I know I ask tough and probing questions. My life is NOT off limits. Join us for this episode as I interview my Dad about his life planning. For context, my parents divorced ten years ago and I am "the daughter" in the family (I have three brothers, one of which you will hear from in a future podcast).

Caveats:

• This is a judgement free zone
• There are no "shoulds" allowed, we live in curiosity
• Take what works well for you, leave the rest!

If you are finding value in this podcast, please share and leave a review so others can find it too!

Rebecca

Disclaimer: The information presented on this podcast is solely for information purposes. We do not provide medical, legal, financial, or other professional advice through this podcast and we are not responsible for any errors or omissions. It is your responsibility to seek advice from a licensed professional. Any actions you take are done at your own risk.

Hello.

Welcome back to the podcast.

Real conversations about aging parents.

I would not be an authentic podcast host if I did not include

conversations with my own parents.

So in anticipation of the upcoming father's day.

Please enjoy this in-depth conversation with my dad.

As we look at topics of.

His own life.

Decision-making is parents.

Uh, the culture that we come from, how we make decisions together.

Hope you find it entertaining.

Heartwarming.

And maybe even spurs you to some good questions as you

approach father's day yourself.

Thank you so much.

Okay, dad, so I just came to see you and you showed me that you created

a will and an advanced directive.

Right?

How long were you thinking about doing that?

A long, long time.

Why?

Because it's just something important.

I didn't want to, uh, Pass away and just leave, leave you guys holding the bag.

You know, I wanted to be, I wanted to be more prepared.

How did your parents handle that?

They did this.

They did that.

They, they were well prepared.

Long before I got prepared.

They had, uh, made their wills.

They had already had all their funeral arrangements arranged and, There was

nothing we did when my, when my father and mother passed away, all we had to do

was pay for the backhoe to dig the grave.

Oh.

Did it feel like, did you have any mental drama over not wanting to

write this because you didn't want to think about your own mortality?

Or did it have any kind of weird, was it more like it just felt like an

administrative task that you just didn't.

To make time for?

Or did you have drama like, oh, if I write this, then it means I'm old or I'm

dying, or, no, no, no drama like that.

It's just nothing.

Just, uh, I just procrastinated just, but not because of how you thought

it might make you feel to write it?

No, no, not at all.

Did the cost give you any heartburn to write it or you feel like it was worth it?

It was what, $3,200?

Right?

Yeah.

But that felt like it was worth it to you?

Well, now it does.

It's over.

It's a lot of it was, uh, you know, the lawyer did most of the work, obviously,

but I had to answer lots of questions.

I had to have meetings and, um, we had to change some things a couple of times

and, you know, but, uh, it's done now and honestly, when I went and signed

that, it just took a, a load off of me.

Okay.

So you, you appreciate that it's done?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Um, I'm gonna ask you some tough questions.

Yeah.

So, when you decided about who is gonna be your medical power of attorney, did

you make that decision based on expertise because you have two medical children

or children in the medical field?

Or did you make it based on who you thought would make better decisions

or how did you make that decision?

It was more, I've got two children that are doctors and

they understand, uh, those things.

They work with advanced directives all the time, and, and so I just thought

I would, uh, uh, put them there.

Okay.

Okay.

Um, did you.

Did you have any other drama come up when you were writing this or

answering all those questions that you think would, uh, kind of keep people

away from writing things like this?

No.

Did you do it out of caring about your kids in the future?

I, I did it first.

Well, more, more or less.

It was the right thing to do.

I, but it was out of caring and love for my family.

I didn't want them to, I didn't want to die.

And then, Oh, this end up in probate and you know, and so, so if there's somebody

who feels standoffish about approaching their parents and asking them these types

of questions, like, Hey, have you thought about writing a will or, yeah, advanced

directive, or, Hey, it's really awkward.

I don't wanna bring it up.

It's gonna upset my dad.

Yeah.

What would you say to them?

Do you have any tips like being on sort of the.

Receiving end of some nudges and pushes or, you know, I'd probably just

approach it if they haven't done it.

Just say, well, you know, you talking to 'em.

Just say, you know, we're all going to die someday.

Yeah.

We all have things.

We've worked for all our life and if we want to pass what we have on down to

further generations, you need to have that, need to have, you know, Get that

taken care of, because if you don't, then you'll end up in probate court

or something like that and the state will end up getting, uh, a huge part.

I, I know this because my aunt had an aunt that died when she was very young.

She was like 42 years old.

They had, she had no will, and it totally caused a huge financial.

Burden on the family because, uh, their family like inherited her, her part,

and they had to pay taxes on that.

You know, hopefully that doesn't happen here.

It's just passes on down.

You don't have to pay, you know, different things.

I just know that when she passed away, it was really hard

on that family for a while.

So you saw that and that might've made an influence.

Yeah.

Well, it just, yeah.

Yeah.

So you're 70.

Yeah.

Right.

Do you feel, how old do you feel?

Do you feel all of 70 years old?

How, how did you think this would be?

Well, I thought 70 was really, really old.

And you have reasons for that.

Tell us about that.

I don't, no.

Because of your dad and your uncles and, yeah, and, and my family.

My dad was the youngest of four brothers.

All three of his brothers died in their forties from heart

attacks in their forties.

Yes.

None of them lived to see 50.

And uh, my grandfather died in, um, his early fifties.

Of a, of a heart attack.

When my dad was in the Navy and on a ship in World War ii, he got

a telegram that his father died.

And, and my dad always thought he would never live past 50 or,

you know, much past that time.

And he didn't.

He, there was things that he, I thought he should do or could do.

And we would talk about different things, but he, he always had that on his mind.

He didn't think he was going to be around.

And then I got to thinking the same thing.

Uh, but my dad ended up having a,

he had, um, he had some and some chest pain really bad.

And he got to the hospital and.

And, uh, ended up having a couple of arteries that were blocked and they

were able to, um, to take care of that.

And he lived from that time, he lived another 12 years.

But he would always say that he was living on borrowed, you

know, On addition of his time.

How old was he when he died?

He was 69, so I 69?

No, 69.

Okay.

So I outlived him.

Um, I just, this past year, I, I, I'm, I've lived longer than he did.

In fact, I've lived longer than the last, probably two generations of stags.

Yeah.

I made it to 70 Wow.

Stags men.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And did the women in your.

Uh, family line live longer, right?

Or your mom didn't live that long either, right?

60?

No, she was 67.

60 67, something like that.

Okay.

Does it feel weird that you've exceeded that?

Like, does that change the way you think or do anything?

I never thought I would live this long.

Yeah.

So, um, I'm doing things now.

I might not should be doing, but I'm enjoying my life.

Yeah.

Can you gimme an example?

My horses, you know, just seeing something getting built out here

that I would, would've wanted to do, but I could never do that.

I mean, I had five, four kids and, wait, you had five kids?

You gotta tell me more about this.

No, it was just four.

It was four.

All right.

Just wondering, uh, four kids.

And, uh, and, uh, so.

I just never really had the funding to, to get involved in the competitions and the

different things and uh, so I enjoy that.

Okay.

Um, do you have any, like, maybe this is an unfair question since my brother and I

are both sitting here, but how do you feel like children can support aging parents?

What does that look like?

What does good support from your children feel like?

When you're 70 years old, is that them checking on you?

Is that them?

I don't feel like I need support.

Okay.

Right now.

I mean, even just emotional relationships.

Well, it's always good.

I mean, I love my kids and it's, I, it's always, I enjoy 'em.

I, I know people who don't enjoy their kids.

Ooh.

They don't enjoy their grandkids.

Yeah.

And that's, that's my life.

That's the best thing I ever did.

Yeah.

You know, so, yeah.

I enjoy 'em.

I wish, you know, um, if you were to need extra help because of a, and you're

a nurse, let, let's tell everybody, you, you have a nursing degree, right?

Mm-hmm.

And you've got a very, uh, colorful combination of working in.

Road and land development and construction and also being, uh,

having an rn and I'm a cowboy.

And you're a cowboy.

Mm-hmm.

So you're an RN cowboy.

So if something happened, and let's just walk through, if you had a stroke,

so strokes are extremely common right?

Then you know what those look like cuz you're a nurse and you couldn't

move the left side of your body.

And you live here mostly alone.

Although Josh lives here nearby.

Um, what, what kind of help would you want?

The, the, the range of options would be hiring somebody to come into the

house and help with you, um, going into a nursing home type setting.

Um, coming to live with one of your children, like where are your lines

in the sand as far as privacy?

Well, my lines in the sand is, I don't ever want to go to a nursing home.

Okay, so shoot me.

Shoot you.

Yes.

I don't take care of, oh God, that's okay.

You don't wanna ever live in a, is this, I'm not adamant

about that for a long time.

No.

I, I wanna, I've tried to build my house here to accommodate older age.

I built in, uh, grab bars right around in my toilet, grab bars in

the shower, and I tried to remove.

Any rugs that'll slip out from under you to avoid falls and Okay.

And, um, so I've tried, you know, I, I want to be here and if, but

having somebody come in that would help you get outta bed, shower,

that would be something new.

Maybe, you know, home health services or something like that, if that

was something that was necessary.

Okay.

And even if, if, if it had to be like a private pay person that would come in,

Outside of the if in addition to home house, hopefully I could afford that.

Okay.

But you would want those stops all pulled out before ending up in a, yeah.

A nursing home type setting.

Yeah, but I don't, yeah, but you would go to like a short term rehab,

so if you look a hip or something.

Oh yeah.

If it's something like, yeah, but don't like two or three weeks, I

don't want to be in a nursing home.

Where does that come from?

That comes from.

Maybe not wanting to be around people.

I don't know.

Okay.

You're kind of a private person.

Right From the day my mother died, I went to visit her in the nursing home

that morning, and she was crying and she was begging me to take her home.

Oh, gosh, I didn't know that.

Yes.

And she, she wanted to leave there.

And, uh, she was promising me different, you know, I'll be good.

I will, you know, I won't eat all this stuff.

Yeah.

And I told her, mama, I got things I gotta do right now, but when I'm done

today, I'm going to take you home.

I will take you back home, we'll get you outta here.

And about the middle of the day, I got a call from the

doctor and said she passed away.

And, um, and she didn't really have like a terminal diagnosis.

She had C O P D, but she had C O P D.

She had some sort of heart attack or something, right?

I don't know.

Yeah.

What it was, she had a, she had a valve problem in her heart.

I learned about maybe three or four months before she died.

Yeah.

But, um, um, I heard the story of my grandfather who was put into a nursing

home, and that was her, her father, that was my mother's father, my grandfather,

the only grandfather I really had.

And, um, he got so upset by put getting in the nursing home.

Uh, he just kind of went into a, a rage and then he ended up strangling on his, he

had a, like an oxygen tube or something.

He had a trach tube.

Oh.

And, and he died right there.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

But it was cuz he was so upset.

So I know we joke about, you know, oh, I don't wanna go there, just shoot me.

But there are some practical.

Limitations to how that actually works.

And are you saying that you would want your kids to load you up in

an airplane and take you to Oregon where assisted death is legal?

No.

To avoid going in a nursing home, no.

It's too many liberals up there.

No.

We'll take you to the.

Most conservative part of working No.

Where it's legal, but, but I say this because I hear people say this

and I don't actually understand what they mean because the way it goes in

real life is you stay at home as long as you can afford to stay at home.

And then the way that Medicaid works is once you have no more money left,

then you go into a Medicaid funded nursing home and you spend the

remainder of your natural life there.

Well, I, I don't know.

I just hope something happens to me before that happens.

Okay.

I mean, would you live What I, what else to say?

Would you live with one of your kids before you'd go to a nursing home?

Yeah, I would do that probably if that was necessary.

But it just depends.

I mean, I wouldn't want to be a burden either, you know?

Okay.

And, uh, I, um, have a tremendous faith in God.

And God knows what I want, what I need, and I'm hoping he helps take care of that.

I, I have, my, my faith is in, in him and his hands.

And when the time comes, I hope he, I hope it works out well.

So the life expectancy for, for males in the United States is 72.

Yeah.

And you're 70?

Mm-hmm.

Almost 70 and a half now.

Mm-hmm.

Do you have anything left on a bucket list that you feel adamant you want

to accomplish in the next year or two?

I got a bucket list, but it's not adamant.

Okay.

I am happy.

Okay.

I am happy right here.

I'm happy.

Um, I'm very happy with my life.

A lot happier than I've been, you know, earlier in my life.

Yeah.

And, uh, uh, so I was, you know, it's kind of strange.

It's kind of funny to me, but there was a time last year.

After all this time of being single, that I really actually started feeling lonely.

And I was, it was very bothersome.

But then Josh brought a, a little dog home and that little dog inherited me.

That's Chico.

And uh, and he has just turned my life around.

Really?

Yes.

Tell me about that.

Well, he's with me all the time.

When I'm working at the desk, he's at my feet.

Yeah.

When I go to the bathroom, he sits in there and waits.

Uh, if I come in here and sit down on the couch, he gets in my lap.

When I take a shower, he takes a shower with me like, okay.

And he sleeps with me every night.

And he just keeps me, is the greatest.

One of the greatest things ever happened to me was this dog.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

You can come Athena, and this is another great thing that happened to me.

This is Athena.

She's awesome.

Well, let me ask you some morbid questions.

So when you die, we're gonna be devastated.

As devastated as you were when your dad died.

Yeah.

And I want you to talk to the people who would appear at a

celebration of life for you and tell them what you want them to know.

How do you want them to feel or think about this or be

reassured or not reassured?

What should they rejoice about?

What should they worry about?

Well, I, I was, when my dad died, I was not expecting that.

It was just a complete shock to me.

I can remember your mother called me Yeah.

And told me he died and I just almost dropped the phone.

I just, I couldn't say anything.

And, uh, so it's tough, you know?

It was tough.

Um, But I want you to know that I do truly believe I'm going to be in a better place.

I'm gonna be with my father, I'll be with my mother.

I'll be with my best friend, Jay Hill.

I'll be with, I'll see two of my older brothers.

Yeah.

Or an older brother and a younger brother that died.

Yeah.

Um, I'm looking forward to that.

I believe that.

And so I don't fear death.

Do I want to die?

No.

Right.

I want to be here, you know, as long as I can.

But you don't feel like you're trying to outsmart it and outlive it.

I'm not trying to outsmart it or outlive it and, and I don't fear it.

I mean, if it happens, you know, I know I'm gonna be in a better place and I, I

would want y'all, I would want any of my kids or anything to, to be happy for me.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, you know.

So was death like a taboo topic in your house?

Was that something that Everything was taboo in my house growing up.

What do you mean?

Well, it just was, I know that my father and my mother loved me very

much, but I never heard them say that.

Wow.

One time.

And my whole life never did.

I hear my father and my mother tell me they love me and I tried

to make a difference with my kids.

I always wanted to tell 'em I loved them.

Right.

And uh, I didn't wanna be that way.

It's generational thing.

What do you think that was about?

That was just the way that, it's just generational.

They lived through their depression.

Yeah.

They fought World War ii.

And, you know, they saw things that real young that people shouldn't see, or

they experienced those things and I just think it might've had an effect on it.

Yeah.

But, um, you know, that, you know, so what if you had to name three things that

you wanted to change in your generation?

So one of them would be being more affectionate or, yeah.

Being more expressive.

I wanted, I wanted to be able, I wanted to be able to say, I love you to my

kids, without telling your kids, my mom and dad never said this so well,

I might have told y'all that before.

I don't remember that.

But, uh, but, uh, but no, they just never did.

They just weren't capable.

But they did love me by their actions, just by their actions.

Um, and, uh, I'm not, and I, I don't, I never felt like they

didn't, they just never could say it.

Did you think, or can you think of anything else that you felt like you

wanted to pivot in your generation, that your children would have a

different experience than you did?

Other than that, not really.

That was a big one for you?

Yeah.

That was.

It was a big one.

That was, that was, that was important to me.

Yeah.

I mean, I would be with friends and, and, uh, you know, at, at their home

and when we would leave to go wherever we were going, their parents would

say, I love you, and, you know, yeah.

You know, so some parents were able to do it, some weren't.

And, uh, So, so one of the things I wonder about, and maybe this is me thinking

about myself, um, and you can think about all four of your children have very

different personalities, but there seems to be, at least from the perspective of

being a physician, uh, an emphasis on the daughter taking a lead role in helping

navigate sort of taking care of parents.

And I think about your.

Your aunt Carolyn, who helped take care of your grandfather.

Mm-hmm.

That would've been her father-in-law, right?

Mm-hmm.

Um, and that there's maybe some cultural or maybe just practical expectations that,

um, usually it's the daughter bringing the person to the doctor's appointment.

Usually it's the daughter at the hospital.

And so when you get sick and go in the hospital, which has happened.

Right?

I, I'll tell people you have AFib.

Mm-hmm.

And so you've landed in the hospital a couple times with this.

Right.

And then Covid last year, um, I feel immediately drawn to being there.

I mean, you're single, right?

You got divorced over 10 years ago.

Right.

And I know my brothers feel also empathetic about your situation.

Mm-hmm.

But.

I feel like I'm the one that's there.

Maybe that's because I'm the one being there and then I'm the one that's

there and I want to be that cause I'm controlling in that way and mm-hmm.

And wanna show up.

But do you have a sense of how is it me?

Why is it not, you know, of course the story I tell myself is, well, I'm medical

and I'm the daughter and I live close to the medical center, and so I'm that one.

But there's a lot of families that I don't think have a discussion

about what to do when dad gets sick.

Mm-hmm.

You just do.

Right.

And then I end up starting a texturing with my brothers and No, like,

how does that work in your head?

Like, have you thought about that?

There's a lot of women in my position who have a career and have young

children and also have parents who are having, you know, medical problems.

Mm-hmm.

And the, the whole reason I'm doing this project is to just

examine that a little bit.

Yeah.

To take a.

Generations before me maybe didn't have this problem because a lot of women

did not work in professional careers.

Mm-hmm.

Nana's generation or your mom's generation.

This wasn't something that they were, had an entire professional career.

Mm-hmm.

And then they had to figure out how to manage that and be there for their Yeah.

Children and somehow be there.

And so I really think, you know, my driving passion for this project is,

let's just talk about what this looks like because this is actually relatively new.

For people like me to, to try to prioritize and understand

what that looks like.

And I'm very thankful that you're otherwise really healthy.

But I have this always thinking that you're gonna text or call me and say,

I'm on my way to the heart hospital.

Or Josh is gonna call me and say, you know, dad's having chest pain.

Yeah.

And then, and then we're gonna go into action and then I'm not

second guessing any of that.

I'm just wondering like, how did you see that develop?

Is that just.

We've never actually sat down and said, I'm the one that's

gonna go sign you into Texan.

Right?

Yeah.

Where does that come from?

I just, of course in today's world it, I think everything's different, but I think

there's, men and women are different.

I think you're more empathetic.

Uh, empath empathetic.

I think that's the right word.

Um, um, it's not that Josh wouldn't take care of me if

something happened to me here.

I'm sure he'd stop everything he's doing and, uh, and get,

get, and he has done that.

Yeah, he has.

And, uh, and, uh, get me the, you know, whatever help I need.

And, uh, but, um, it's always.

I think in the past it's always been the women who seem to take

that role and do well in that role.

Um, maybe in the past.

I mean, it's, it's only been in the last 40 or 30 or 40 years where you

have to have a two income household now.

Right.

Almost to raise a family.

It wasn't that way.

Back in my grandfather's day, in my father's day, my mother

worked hard all her life, but she did that supporting my father.

He couldn't have done the things he did if she wasn't in the background

doing his books and keeping him up to date on people calling and, and,

uh, she was, he would've been, Lost.

In fact, I did see him lost one time when she ended up in the hospital

and uh, I think it's the first time I ever saw him write a payroll check.

And he was trying to figure, you know, how was she she doing that?

And um, so though she never worked in a profession, And never, she didn't

necessarily get a a wage for what she did.

She worked as hard as anybody.

Yeah.

And her role was as important as anybody because my dad was a good man, and he

was a very successful man, but behind him was her, and he couldn't have

done it without her, in my opinion.

Okay, so I have this like I don't have a good meter if I'm

spending enough time with you.

I don't know how to know if I'm spending enough time with you, calling you

enough, texting you enough, visiting you enough, and I don't know what enough

is or by whom would say it's enough.

Yeah, I wouldn't, I mean, you've done a lot for me.

You've done a lot for me and uh, and I think you've spent.

Quite a bit of time helping me.

I remember one time I called you at four 30 in the morning and I was

in AFib and uh, and I was having to go on a training the next day and

I didn't know whether I should go.

And you talked to me, I don't know if you remember this, but almost two

and a half hours and uh, and then.

Um, what did I tell you to do?

Well, you told me, you know, we're, the main thing was, uh, the heart rate.

You know, if the heart rate's less than 1 35, you know, you're probably okay.

If it's gets up higher than that, you know, it's going to be worse.

And, and, um, kind of just left it just to see.

This was a Sunday morning.

This was like four 30 in the morning on a Sunday, and I was gonna

have to fly out Monday morning.

And, uh, so you spent a lot of time with me.

You've, I love you very much.

I mean, you saved my life, I think, at least my psychological

life, you know, on many occasions.

And I know you know what I'm talking about, but, uh, it's,

um, yeah, I think you, you are a very loving daughter and very.

Um, um, appropriate and how often you call me and you always want to come.

I know you wanted to come out here a couple of weeks ago or before your, well,

you did the water troughs and then Yeah.

Got tired.

Yeah.

I, there a lot of people in my position.

There's a lot of things going on in our head at all times.

Right?

Yeah.

And, and I have a lot of friends of mine who.

Persistently just think they're not doing enough that their parents are getting

old and they should be, you know, out there more no matter what it is, right?

It's, I should be calling them more.

I should be, uh, going to see them more.

I should be making more effort.

I should be, and it's hard to, to moderate that.

Like, it, it's hard to know.

Well, gosh, you know, if they die, should I have thought I, I should have

been out there twice a week or no?

No.

What does that look like?

I mean, well, and maybe it's not like a you should come out here first

off, because you want to come here.

You know, this is your old, old home.

You were raised right here.

And, uh, so, but, um, you know, I'm not.

Uh, I'm just very happy right now.

I love, I'm fortunate that I have, you know, grandkids and I love every

one of them and I love being around my grandkids and, uh, and especially

that they're getting a little older and, you know, and do a few more things

and think of some other things to do.

But, um, And you've got grandkids from one year old to 22 years old.

Yeah.

The 22 year old, she's pretty much gone, you know, love her very dearly.

But she's, she's going on in her life and she's, she, um, I see her

maybe three or four times a year and, and always enjoy seeing her.

And she's always been very willing to talk to me and, you know, and.

And share what her life's going on, what she's doing.

And that's kind of what's important to know.

I want my grandkids to tell me how they're doing.

You know, what, what are you doing?

How'd school go?

How you, you know, those are things that are important to me.

And, um, so, um, that's, that's what, and, and you, um, I mean, You're very,

you've always been very good at calling me and just seeing how I was doing,

see what's going on, different things.

So I think you, I think you'd do that very well.

Well, thank you for letting me talk to you.

Mm-hmm.

And ask you tough questions.

I appreciate it.

I'm trying to help other people that are, Same life position

I'm in, so I understand.

Yeah.

Well, I love you very much.

Thank you.

I love you too.