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7 Ways To Survive Your Holidays With A Narcissistic Parent or High Conflict Ex
Episode 11322nd November 2022 • Empath And The Narcissist: Healing Guide from Abuse and PTSD • Raven Scott
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"You deserve and are worthy of 100% drama free holiday" - Raven Scott

Do you struggle to survive the holiday season when dealing with a narcissistic parent? Discover seven ways to survive the holiday season.

If you’re going through a difficult time right now, you might find yourself wondering how you’ll cope when during the holidays with your ex, high conflict co parent, partner, or parent.

Here are seven ways to survive your holiday with the narcissist.

Here are some key moments:

  1. Release the Guilt - Tarot card reading
  2. Self Care - Astrology Self Care for each Zodiac
  3. Lower your expectations - Sarah Durham Wilson Ep 96
  4. Gray Rock Method - Sarah Kamoto Ep 81
  5. Do what makes you happy
  6. Talk to a professional - Better Help : Empath get 10% off your first month
  7. Establish New Traditions - Join Newsletter for 12 Days of Zodiac
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Transcripts

You are about to transition from overwhelmed to overflowing. Your storyline is changing to one of good luck and good fortune. Have faith in the unseen. Believe more than you doubt and enter into your new season of blessings.

.

Welcome to the empath and the narcissist podcast where you regain your sparkle back after narcissistic abuse. I am your host, Raven, Scott, your nurturing, or your guide through the darkness. Just a reminder. This episode is for educational purposes only, and it is not a substitute for professional therapy.

If you're enjoying this podcast, hit subscribe and rate and review this podcast.

You can free yourself from the narcissist negative emotion cycle and create a positive life for yourself. Just as I did. Part of that healing journey. I truly benefited from talk therapy.

This is why I specifically chose out of all the sponsors out there. Better help. This episode is sponsored by better help and better help offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help you. It allows you to talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience. With a broad range of expertise and better helps 20,000 plus therapists network. It will give you access to help that you need that may not be available in your area.

Finding a therapist is easy. Just fill out the questionnaire to help assess your specific needs. And then you get matched with a therapist and under a 48 hours. Everything you share is completely confidential and therapy. Joined the 3 million plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experienced better help.

Therapist. Get 10% off your first month@betterhelp.com forward slash empath. That's better. H E L p.com forward slash E M P a T H. And the link is in the show notes. Claim all the offerings and transformational workshops that we offer an hour. Studio. In the link in the show notes as well@ravenscott.show forward slash

shop. .

Sagittarius season is upon us as well as a new moon in Sagittarius with many other planets. Being uplifting and supportive in this transition. To help you. Overcome your heartache. Overcome your stuck feelings, overcome your. Confusion and your disarray and. Just your feeling so lost. This is the time to plant new seeds, dream up and sit. With yourself, find your inner truth. Who are you? What do you love to do? What are your hobbies? Who do you want to be with? How do you want to be loved? And if you're listening to this podcast, Um, chances are more than not that you are not being loved, how you desire.

And your desires are not wrong.

You're not even being loved. You're being gaslit and you're being strung along. Uh, like a carrot, you are being abused. Under the guise of love. And so find within yourself. How do you truly want to be loved and plant the seeds of intention to find your way out of this stuck relationship out of the abuse cycle, out of the vortex of a narcissist.

And find your way. Out. Plant the seeds for the universe to give you a door out, plant the seeds for the universe to give you a job so you can have income to get out. Plant the seeds for the universe to bring you friends, bring you help, bring you a guiding angel to help you get out. These are all very powerful currently within the energy of the universe right now. And so , as we enter into the holidays, I wanted to give you this because you may not be able to get out right away. And even if you are out.

There's so much pain and heartache during the holidays. So this episode is special for you in path. To guide you through a survival guide through the holidays with either recovering from narcissistic abuse, from your parents, from a family member and or even a lover you're either currently with or have left. And just because you leave.

I mean that it magically goes away.

So here in path. And this episode one 13. How to survive the holidays with the narcissist is here for you.

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Before we get into the seven tips on , how to survive the holiday. I'm gonna share a journal of my life experience

and my musings about this. Not everyone has the capacity to love you as you need.

When I was born, my parents were mourning when they. They hoped I would fill and replace the hole in their heart for my brother. And as soon as I started being loud acting out, which took a long time, I quieted down quickly in my childhood. However, as I aged and grew into my own authentic self and my own woman, the mother of my own children, living the lifestyle of my own dreams.

They didn't like it. It didn't fit into their box, their definition, and because I was so sensitive to the authoritarian parenting, they didn't recognize me. Once I broke out of my shell, they thought I was the person that I acted out as in order to stay in line to make sure that they didn't yell or weren't upset at me or punish me.

you know, even for good intentions, I noticed this within my own daughter where she just does not want any negative energy or feedback towards her at all. She's very sensitive to that, and I was too, so I'm not saying that they were abusive at all. It was just like normal, you know, emotional interactions.

I didn't like anything negative and so I shape shifted. I people pleased. And this really anger. My father when he heard this as I was an adult, because I think he tried his best to make sure that the house was a safe space for me to be truly who I was. But there were some very strong opinions as well, which kind of in my silent head I thought, well, I'm not gonna say that cuz I know clearly what they think about that topic.

So that perfect daughter that was so the perfect daughter that I acted out to be as a child was an extension of them.

This is the other part about just that generation and the generation before them. Be quiet and go play. And then it was, you're so perfect. I'm such a great parent that the child is an extension of the parent. And when you are unrecognizable, when you do things that are outside of what they approve of, they are ashamed.

They are embarrassed. I felt that same body, generational trauma, pain when my children were. and I worked through that. I worked hard to make sure that I was not ashamed of their natural behavior. So , in my aha moment, as parents who see you as an extension of the. Who are always doers and making sure that they're doing things for their children versus just being, they cannot sit still. You know, , they don't spend time with me if there is no project to be done at my house if I don't need them.

If I am not in distress, they think I'm independent and fine, which is in fact true. And at the same time, I really truly feel like I want them to stay and spend time with. Just be, I feel that with everybody. I love my children, my husband, just be with me. Spend time with me. We talk a lot about love language in the world.

Mine obviously is time some people's acts of service. And it's important to meet in the middle to have a balance of all the different love languages in our relationships.

But the time for me to desire. To receive. Love from someone who is not capable of loving. Or is so wrapped up in their own self. Ego identity and motivations that they cannot even. Break away for a moment in time to spend time with their daughter or to call and make sure. That they are okay. If they get news that they're sick.

That right there is neglect. And neglect is a form of abuse. So I'm not going to excuse it anymore. I'm not going to justify it anymore. And I hope that you don't either.

This.

Is.

Very powerful. Aha moment is when I was gaslit recently. And then it reminded me of when I was gaslit. While back. By my own father. And I kept making justification's even after seeing that clearly. What I advise any of my other friends to feel and do what I've been trying to do ever since. No. So why am I doing it to myself? ,

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but all you can really tell is how they act and show you who they. And if they lack empathy, they lack any sympathy or have any tenderness for holding space for how you feel they are showing you. They do not have the capacity to, and you . Must not be vulnerable with them anymore.

And you must distance yourself and lower your expectations from that person. So to expect love as you deserve from the person who's shown you they cannot is not realistic. It's like that beautiful

Analogy. Met Sarah Durham. Wilson shared with us an episode number,

96.

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Tiny little shop that's broken down, doesn't have a lot of shelves, is very rickety and rusty, and you keep banging on the doors of the shop saying, Hey, hello. Do you have empathy? Do you have sensitivity? Do you have time for me? And they keep saying, darling, don't have time for you. I don't have empathy or sympathy.

I do not have the emotional capacity on the shelf here. Haven't carried it in stock. Never have. I might have been glistening and look a little faux when you were younger, but it never truly was here on the shelves. Never was, never will. Stop coming here and asking for that. We don't carry that here. Same thing.

So all of this to say that a lot of us have these high expectations of bliss and perfection. And romance that we see on the tv, in the ads, in movies, and just in our own imagination of what we feel like we deserve and dream of. And some people do experience that, but the people that experience that during their holidays do not tolerate or put up with drama, bad behavior, being blamed, chasing people who abandon them.

Those people embrace who they have connected with them, right. Who are with them every day. So this is why Friendsgiving is a big trend now. You don't have to go and be with your family during the holidays if they are the source of your pain and anxiety and depression, and feelings of abandonment. You can have your own new traditions and your own Thanksgiving with your friends, your soul.

And a perfect holiday in the past for me was to recreate the feelings that I had as a child during the holidays, but that's unrealistic. That never existed. It was just a faux can of fake love and harmony because it was all exterior. Glazing and glossing over and stepping over the giant elephant in the room of trauma, pain, all the things hidden that don't want to be addressed.

You know, verbal abuse, yelling from their childhood, their parents', childhood, all the things. The holidays are a perfect time to pretend that they never existed and to get together as a family. and enjoy some time together cuz that's what you're supposed to do. But then afterwards I would hear the complaining and the, oh my gosh, did you see how she did this and that?

And oh, she's so fake and this and that, and you know, it brings you back to your triggers in your childhood. I listened to that as a child and the car ride home from the holidays, and then I realized I was starting to do that too, and I thought, I cannot have my girls doing this moving forward. This is not healthy.

This is no need to put yourself in danger and then complain about it afterwards, right? This is not the way forward. This is not the way because that love was a lie. It was based on a conditional situation that if I make sense to them, if everyone in their life makes sense to them, if we all color within the lines and stay inside the box of whatever that family's structure, ideology is.

If I go to church and have a good job, if we pray before dinner and or be a good mom, have a Christian husband need them to rescue me. Need them to help me with things because I'm still a Uzi woodsy dependent baby. I'm very independent. Can you tell and have favors that I need them to help me with and do all that?

It seems like that's the person that they know in love, but the person I am today, they don't accept. They don't understand, so therefore, they can't have the capacity to love because their love was. Based on this magical well web of lies, the construct of a person that they thought I was, that depends on them and is really, I can't control that.

I can only control who I am and my traditions I create, , and is what they loved about me. So their capacity to love is within that. and I'm outside the box. We all are outside the box. Infinite beings of the universe. We don't fit inside a box, but a lot of people only love within a box. But I am proud of being outside the box.

I am proud of who I am and who I've grown into. Be loving. Being bold to ask for what I want and then receiving it in a relationship where I always constantly fear and dread that I'll be abandoned again. And over and over. When you're with a healthy partner, they present to you that it's safe, that it's okay.

It might always not be easy, but then afterwards they think about it and say, yeah, you're right. You need this and I need to work on providing it. They can even come back and say, I need this. Can you work on providing it, you know, meeting in the middle and sharing. That's all we wish for, is to be seen, loved, and heard in relationship.

Love shouldn't be from a place of, I understand you only in this way, or you fit into my constructs of a good daughter, a good lover. And if you don. Then I don't love you and I punish you, and I guilt you, and I shame you, and I abandon you, and I leave you and I do all these horrible things that make you really triggered and upset and wounded.

Love should just be, love should be from a place, even if you don't agree, even if there are stark differences in your ideology and your views on the world. And. Especially when it comes to family, things are going to change and shift, and I know personally that this can be true. Thank you to my aunt who always unconditionally loves me and we have very different views on things.

She supports me and listens to me, and she even listens to this podcast, the only person in my family who does. So, thank you, my dear aunt. You know who you are. The holidays are not for. They are for love and time spent in gratitude and generosity together. So find your unconditional love tribe and celebrate with them.

Maybe that's just friends for you and that's okay. Celebrate with me through the 12 days of Zodiac tradition. The link will be in the show notes. I'm gonna be doing a blog every day, starting on December 12th, going through the study of the JA for images and symbolism of the Zo. And we'll just be journaling and contemplating on them all the 12 days and we can have a discussion in the blog and just start our own new tradition.

Feel support there too.

really exciting news that in:

To get in on this amazing community. At 50% off of the normal membership fee. So it's going to be incredible. I have this huge vision I received about creating community and places that we can talk and ask and answer questions and support each other, and be a safe container away from all of the. Predators on social media.

mmunity. Starting in January,:

There are five survival guide tips.

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I have pulled a taro card for guidance and wisdom. As to where do we need to invest our energy in this holiday season. And I pull the taro card, five of wands. The five of wands is , numerology.

Number five. When you see this repeating, it means to take care of yourself. And the wands are fire, the ones are inspiration and creativity. And when this card is pulled upright, it does usually depict that there's some conflict and some struggle going on, and situations reside and I actually pulled it upside down.

So when it means when it's upside down, That there's some relief after these conflicts. So maybe in the past, as maybe you yourself have experienced myself that in the past there's been conflicts around the holidays, and maybe now is the time to take that sigh of relief, take it from this podcast, from my personal experience, that you don't have to please everybody and show up to a perfect holiday to make sure that they love you, if that's their only definition and way of.

then you get to si a relief and say, ah, I don't have to participate in that. You have the authority and autonomy to say, I can be my own person. You can show up to the family gathering with the lowest of expectations and do these things that I'm gonna list off for your survival guide. But you also don't have to.

Mind blowing, right? So the fives are telling us, five of wands is telling us to take care of yourself. Let go of the negative past experiences. Forgive those who have wronged you. But for me, I'm gonna give this caveat, keep them at a healthy distance so your ego is healthy in the. That you're gonna have caution.

You're gonna tread with caution and keep them on your outer circle versus being vulnerable with them in your inner circle. Drink loads of water, by the way. Just keep drinking the water, especially if you're consuming alcohol. Sometimes we forget to do that. It's cold. We forget to drink water. That's all gonna regulate your body system.

Eat whole foods, do spiritual cleansing practices. And study the jaws with me in December 12th. , Bury old wrongs that are distracting you. Sometimes these things unearthed around the holidays and their drama ensues because we haven't addressed it during the year. Cuz we feel like, oh, well I'm being too sensitive about it.

I don't wanna overreact. Going to therapy. Seems too drastic over this. But then the holidays come around and these old grudges get un. And then drama ensues, anger ensues, resentment and heartache. Don't be afraid to start new traditions and release old ones that you are self-sacrificing to keep or to please others.

Put your best foot forward and your future will hold. Change. Challenges yet Freedom. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. The ones of fire upside down with the five of ones is that sigh of relief of there doesn't have to be struggles anymore. You have gained clarity. You know what's going on. You know the game now.

You don't have to call them out. You can just disengage. You can stop playing the game.

The wands are also a symbol of themes and goals and dreams. So again, we're talking about the holidays. There's themes and traditions around the holidays. They are relationship goals. Maybe you are starting with the new year. You have personal goals and dreams, but I would say instead of pushing so hard to do what the patriarch is always wishing for us to do, Think, create, construct.

Be responsible this season. Just take a breath, a sigh of relief, gain the clarity you need, be with you. Be with the people who truly love you and invest in you with their time and their emotions, and just find peace and clarity in your mind over this. This situation that you're worrying about the anxiety, it is very real, but it can all be controlled and tempered through your mind, and your mind then will have the calm to execute the actions that dispel all of this drama.

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And of course, listen to this podcast during the holidays. I will be taking a break from interviewing, but I will still be uploading, , episodes with highlights, reruns, and just other supportive information. Number three is adjust your expectations down to. Don't have lofty dreams and shop at that old general store again.

So lower the expectations. Assume that they won't spend time with you as much as you wish. Assume that they will make it all about themselves and draw attention to them and blame you for things. Assume that they'll definitely will be drama and it will all revolve around them being the. So that way when you're assuming very low, low expectations, your heart won't be broken because you did not expect some lofty ideal dream from someone who just didn't have the capacity to give you that.

Number four is Gray Rock Method. If again, you have to co-parent, you're going to a big family gathering and there's one narcissist there, you just dread being around. This is a great method to use if there's no way to go, no contact. Gray Rock Method is an emotional, it's a tool for you emotionally to disconnect from their drama, emotion.

Avoid being one on one with them. Do not engage in their drama, so don't mimic and match their energy and excitement about a topic that they're talking about, which is of course them and maybe them being the victim. So great phrases to get out if you get caught by them one on one. One is, excuse me, while I.

Powder my nose. They're just kidding. Go to the bathroom. That really, you can't like, not get out of going to the bathroom. Right? You don't have to go to the bathroom. Excuse me while I go to the bathroom. Let's change the topic to the weather. I don't know something. The dogs, oh look, it's Cousin Louie just arrived.

I'm gonna go say hi. Or you can say , I'm gonna go help in the kitchen. And just walk away. These are all great excuses. You don't feel bad, you don't have to call them out. You just get out.

Now if you're a co-parenting With a high conflict. Perrin.

In episode 81. Sarah Komodo of narc proof and thriving shared on her Instagram. I had to share with you guys. With the holidays fast approaching. Please keep in the forefront of your mind. This is usually when things start getting heated. Number one your high conflict co-parent will be asking for more time with the child.

Number two, whatever prearranged plans you have, lay will mess your schedule up.

Your high conflict co-parent we'll get the children hyped up by making plans they can't, or won't follow through on.

Number four when they guilt you into doing something as a quote unquote family. No create chaos out of nothing and ruin the day.

Just in general being difficult just because they can.

If you need help with co-parenting with a high conflict co-parent. DM her. Co-parent if you're ready to end the crazy making cycle for good.

You can find all the links to Sarah in episode 81. And if you haven't listened to that yet, that is a great one to listen to.

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fill your holidays with pleasure for yourself, on your own time with other loved ones and friends who you adore and they adore you. So watch holiday movies, guilt-free. Bake shop. Surround yourself with friends who are empathetic and family members who are caring.

And for a bonus tip.

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Again, you can always contact a professional through. Better help find someone locally, licensed social worker. Also, a great place to start if a therapist. Too much, too lofty, whatever the reason right, both of them are trained in helping you with your mental health. You can read my book Empath and the Narcissist for free during the holidays and listen to it on Audible.

You can get workshops that I have offering up in the shop, Raven scott.show/shop. How to Leave the Narcissist provides loads of tools. The drawing powerful boundaries also provides. And my favorite is the masterclass that I collaborated with with Master Cathy, and

If you are feeling like there's more to life and have a deep longing for meaningful and authentic relationships and to act and be authentic out into the world yet you still remain in the darkness. Or under the cloak of disguise of your mask of your ego, and you feel that you are a victim and not the creator of your life.

These experiences are your fuel for transformation? So stop denying your divinity and gain your soul integration to connect with your divine soul. To your earthly body in order to live on fire free and authentic to live your life of purpose in the masterclass with magic, Kathy and myself.

The link is in the show notes.

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we are here as a community to help you. I'm always on Instagram. If you just need a friendly face and some inspiring and empowering messages, I will still be doing my newsletter. So subscribe to the newsletter to receive your empowerment messages, your sparkle reminders on every Saturday articles that I write, supportive information, and just any aha moment that I have, I put out to my email list.

And number seven. Tip number seven is establish your own traditions. This is my favorite. I don't know if this sounds amazing to you or daunting, but just start with one again. This is why I do the 12 days of Zodiac. It's mine. Mine alone. No one in my family does it. I love it. It's my own tradition I can pass on to my children.

If you wish to learn more about the 12 days of Zodiac, I will be sending out. An email. Of how to practice this. To my email list. So again, make sure that you are. Sign up and a part of the newsletter

[:

The first tip was release the guilt and shame. You 100% deserve a drama-free holiday. Wait, did you hear that? You deserve and are worthy of 100% drama free holiday.

So these decisions that you're making, although they may buck the system here in your family unit or with your partner, they're serving your higher.

So you have others around you who have strong views. I can relate. About what you should do, and this is creating an enormous amount of tension and disagreement. Just when you think you have a clear perspective, someone challenges you on it, or you discover new information and you change your standpoint, again, this process is beneficial and will help you come to a well researched and well thought out viewpoint.

No two, that there is no right answer and someone always will disagree with the path you choose. So find the option that sits best with you. Align your head and your heart to discover a sense of peace within yourself. And back to the five of ones. Reversed, it can suggest that you have the tendency to avoid conflict wherever feasible.

You may find that any tension makes you feel uneasy and you wish it would just go away, so you deflect a lot of that energy and ignore the problem if there is one. The trouble, however, is that in doing this, you may just be pushing some of your concerns to the side without dealing with them or asserting your viewpoint.

, some conflict can be useful, particularly if it is constructive and draws out the underlying issues in a way that can generate a better solution. And also share with the person why you're not talking to them anymore, possibly. A bit of that conflict has to come so that you can reveal to them, I am not speaking to you because fill in the blank, discover whether always avoiding such discomfort is the best way to go.

Sometimes it can, like with a sibling or a parent, , and sometimes it cannot go well because that parent, or let's say your partner who is narcissist, is going to retaliate, is gonna get more dangerous and is going to lash out because now their. Is hurt and their ego is their cherished treasure and gold.

So consider whether always avoiding such discomfort is the best way to go, or if you are finding yourself compromising on what is important to. And all of this, all the answers are unique to each one of your situations. So this is why I always talk about tuning into your intuition and your gut.

What is serving your highest self? What is serving, let's say even consider your children. If you put yourself in your child's shoes, what would you want your parent to do? And then do. The five ones reversed is like a sigh of relief After a struggle, you are no longer up against so much competition or conflict and you can just be.

So I think this is something for all of us to focus in on and strive for and know that it's possible and you are capable and worthy of just being without having to people Please everyone. Go to all these family functions and holiday parties, possibly for your partner, for their work or your work, and you don't want your partner coming with you because they always cause a scene.

All of these things, you can now draw those boundaries and make those decisions that serve . Yourself, that serve the best for everyone.

You've worked through your anger, you are working through it, you're working through your healing process, and you're working through all of this. But you know what? You don't have to prove yourself anymore. You can just be, and this is the way to survive the holidays. Always feel free to reach out, gain support through all of my ways that I communicate through the blog

Emails.

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Wishing you all the very best, most peaceful holiday season with only those who love you for who you are and support you and have empathy for you. So much love and light to you these holiday season. Peace be with you. Happy holidays.

And thank you again so much for your. Reviews. This one this week is beginning of healing for, and has ready to reclaim their power back. Listen to this podcast. Thank you so much And remember. Always keep your unique light shining Mavi is helping people clear emotions, trapped chords. And subconscious beliefs every day through the emotion code. She is amazing. I'm personally working with her on my relationship refocus, uh, after I've completed my abundance clearing.

[:

It's free. So connect with her in the link in the show notes@www.movi.ca. Are you looking for ways to heal your heart from trauma? I am honored to be a guest on another Trauma to Triumph Summit, hosted by a completely different person, Patrice Pugh, and she has a personal experience of trauma. She was held a gun point by her own son who is now incarcerated, and she is making her tragic and so horribly sad story into gold, and she's helping others heal through.

this is a 14 day online summit you can do at the leisure of your own timing and in the comfort of your own home. From November 28th through December 11th, Patrice Pugh is taking you through different topics of how trauma does not define you, going from survivor to thriver, taming the bullying between your ears, and what I'm sharing is five stages of forgiveness.

The best part is it's totally. So get your free ticket for the Trauma to Triumph Summit today in the link in the show notes. I want to take a moment and invite you to think Unbroken Conference. That's right. Our next conference is happening right around the corner this December with amazing speakers from around the world who are leaders in personal development, trauma education mindset.

And more. All you have to do to register to watch for free. That's right. $0. Come and join us is go to my unbroken life.com, register and sign up. You can get access to the free event. Watch it live with us this December. It'll be myself speaking along with amazing human beings like. Anthony Trucks, Jamie Bronstein, Leslie Logan, and a special interview that I'm doing with Dr.

G Monte that has never before been released. So come and join us, my unbroken life.com. All you have to do is put in your email, we'll send you over the registration. You'll be able to come and join us, watch live, and then if you want access to the recordings or more information there for you to keep them forever.

But in the meantime, go. Block it off on your calendar. This is gonna be a transformational experience that you do not want to miss. Head over to my unbroken life.com to register for free. Until next time, be unbroken. Will you Nights in headache stack, restlessness to hell and bath. What's my purpose? But do I grab a slippery surface?

A hard attack, and sometimes you just gotta believe there's something that'll give you relief. There's something that'll have what you need. What you mean we're broken? It's tragic. We're not all elastic, but maybe there's. Believe you could have it, and I know of sadness, the anxious the of all.

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