Wouldn’t it be great if being a parent came with a manual? Today on the podcast with an amazing guest we are continuing the conversation of Intention and combining it with Leadership and Parenting.  I am so excited to bring an expert to the podcast that is passionate about developing  joyful relationships with kids through adulthood.  She brings so much experience and expertise that can not only assist with family and also in life too.

Tracie Hewitt is a licensed educational psychologist working in the Greater Sacramento area.

She began her career as a private dyslexia intervention specialist and a resource teacher in private school, working with children who had reading and writing challenges. She became a practicing school psychologist in Sacramento area public schools where she worked for over twenty ears. During that time, she assessed and planned for students with a variety of learning and social emotional needs, counseled students and families and designed professional development around learning and mental health. She left public school service to carry on her work with children and families privately in the community. Her work focuses on building and strengthening the relationships between children and teens and their parents and teachers.

She continues to practice in the Sacramento metro area serving families and schools.

Highlights from this episode:

(05:35) How to manage recalcitrant teens

(11:51) What do we really want to give our children?

(14:34) Boundaries are a powerful tool

(23:36) Trust is an opportunity

(25:41) The important of maintaining relationships with your adult kids

(31:04) It’s intentional and it works

Stay connected with Tracie Hewitt:

LEP #4031

Advantage LEP, Inc.

4811 Chippendale Drive 

Suite 501

Sacramento, CA 95841

916-834-8096

tracie@advantagelep.com

www.advantagelep.com

Instagram: advantagelepca

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We can’t wait to see you there! Read more and join our amazing community at the link below:

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Unknown: 00:00:01

Hey, everyone, I'm Kelly Mobic, a coach and a

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leadership trainer. And I'm super passionate about helping

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you find out who you are authentically as a leader, own

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it, and go out and make an impact in your life and the

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lives of others. This world needs your leadership, your

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gifts, your unique brilliance. And I believe that real leaders

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don't wait. They create. I know firsthand that life is going to

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throw us curveballs that we're going to doubt our greatness,

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our ideas and our contributions. And my goal is that you believe

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in yourself beyond reason. And I get to be a coach and a champion

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for you each week, so that you feel inspired, motivated, and

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most important in action towards your unique impact in this

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world. So let's jump in. Hey there, everyone, this is Coach

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Kelly, welcome to episode 161. Of let's be honest, before we

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start pretending, I'm so excited, because I have a fellow

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coach, and she also does so much more. You're gonna hear about

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that in a second who is doing such amazing work helping

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parents take the lead and having intentional relationships with

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their kiddos all the way through adulthood. Hello, who does not

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want that? And today we're going to be continuing the discussion

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on intention. And I'm bringing in an expert who works with kids

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and parents by the way, she's also a parent, and she is a

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professional coach. She's a licensed educational

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psychologist. And like I said she's a parent and has a ton of

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experience. So I can't wait for you to learn from her. Let me

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tell you a little bit about my guest. She's awesome. Tracy

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Hewitt is a licensed educational psychologist working in the

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greater Sacramento area. She began her career as a private

Unknown: 00:01:55

dyslexia intervention specialist, and resource teacher

Unknown: 00:01:59

in private school, working with children who had reading and

Unknown: 00:02:03

writing challenges. She became a practicing school psychologist

Unknown: 00:02:07

in Sacramento in the Sacramento area public schools, where she

Unknown: 00:02:11

worked for over 20 years. During that time, she assessed and

Unknown: 00:02:15

planned for students with a variety of learning and social

Unknown: 00:02:19

emotional needs, counseled students and families and

Unknown: 00:02:22

designed professional development around learning and

Unknown: 00:02:25

mental health. She left public school service to carry on her

Unknown: 00:02:29

work with family, children and families and families privately

Unknown: 00:02:34

in the community. Her work focuses on building and

Unknown: 00:02:37

strengthening the relationships between children and teens. And

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their parents and teachers. I love this so much. She continues

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to practice in the Sacramento metro area serving families and

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schools. And the other thing I think I said it a little bit

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before she is also a professional coach. And so she

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Tracy brings such a diversity of expertise when she is working

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with families and kids and teens. Absolutely amazing. I

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happen to know Tracy very well, we get to work together. And I

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am always just so in awe of what she creates with kiddos with

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teens with families. And not only that also in her own in her

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own family. She is truly inspirational. And I am thrilled

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to have Tracy on the podcast today. So Tracy, welcome to the

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podcast. How are you today?

Unknown: 00:03:37

Thank you, Kelly for having me. I am doing great. Thank you very

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much for having me on your podcast.

Unknown: 00:03:43

Oh, it's my pleasure. I've been so excited like a kid in a candy

Unknown: 00:03:46

store, as you know. So can you give us a little bit about you

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know your story and why you're so passionate about this topic?

Unknown: 00:03:54

Well, what really makes me passionate about this topic is

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my own kids who are 15 and 18. And I'm still in love with them.

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They're a source of joy for my husband and me, were a soft

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place for them to land. And I am excited about our futures

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together in our relationships as adults. And I love this for all

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parents, kids and parents alike deserve this kind of wholeness

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and their relationships.

Unknown: 00:04:21

Absolutely. So Tracy, something that you have shared in many

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conversations that we've had that I thought was so

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incredible, because you and I both share a passion for

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leadership and we have very similar philosophies on what

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that means. I love how you utilize this with parents. So

Unknown: 00:04:41

can you share the distinction between leadership and influence

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versus power and control?

Unknown: 00:04:49

Sure. There's a difference and it's sometimes very subtle in

Unknown: 00:04:54

how authority is established in a variety of places, but I'll

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focus on parenting here. Okay, there is Power, which is

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achieved through control. And then there's leadership which is

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achieved through influence. And early in childhood, we have to

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assert power because they aren't cognitively ready for just being

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influenced to do things we like, we literally have to control

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them. But as soon as you possibly can, giving over

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decisions to them, and using your influence to guide them

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gives them a locus of control a sense of self efficacy, that is

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just as important for building trust as love. And even if you

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don't start when they're young and you find yourself with a

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workout certain recalcitrant teen, not just not just moody,

Unknown: 00:05:44

but also disdainful, mouthy oppositional, I think we all

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know, when teens, it, that's a sign of resentment and a lack of

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balance, and chances are, you're giving more than you expect them

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to give. And I we call that working harder at their lives.

Unknown: 00:05:59

And they are, yeah, and you're not listening. And it could be a

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combination of these things. But it could also be or you're not

Unknown: 00:06:05

listening to what they're saying, or you're dismissing

Unknown: 00:06:08

their needs or problems is not important. It's usually some

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kind of combination. And I just want to stop here for a moment

Unknown: 00:06:13

because I want to clarify that we are talking about typical

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ranges of oppositional and moody behavior. If a child is

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extremely withdrawn, and or suicidal, and or rebellious and

Unknown: 00:06:26

oppositional in ways that are dangerous, like drug use

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criminal behavior, violence, that is something different an

Unknown: 00:06:32

intervention should be done through a child psychiatrist and

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a professional therapist with experience in those things. So

Unknown: 00:06:38

I'm talking about just sort of your typical teen behaviors.

Unknown: 00:06:44

Absolutely, absolutely. And I think it's, it's, you know,

Unknown: 00:06:48

giving that distinction, because I think it you know, as a

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parent, I have I have children, as you know, also. And, you

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know, they're they're adults now, right? They're, they're

Unknown: 00:06:58

adults, which is why I love this topic so much, because one of

Unknown: 00:07:02

the things that I know you are so passionate about is, you

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know, developing that relationship with your kids

Unknown: 00:07:08

that's sustainable all the way through adulthood. Right. I love

Unknown: 00:07:11

that. And so, I love this distinction. And like, where you

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bring in certain parts, and where you shift to certain

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parts, and like what we can really look for as parents to

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understand what's happening. I think that's amazing. Where did

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you like, what was your intention? When when we think

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about like, intention of having a beautiful relationship, right,

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with your kids all the way to adulthood? And I know you've got

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teenagers, and what was your intention with this? And how did

Unknown: 00:07:44

you make this happen with your own family?

Unknown: 00:07:46

Well, I think I want to start with saying that, if there's

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just not blame, on the parents side, or the children's side,

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just really focusing on we are accountable for who we are and

Unknown: 00:07:58

how we act. And there's a difference between

Unknown: 00:08:01

accountability and blame and fault. So helping with that

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distinction early on, kind of helps kids know that they can

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make mistakes, and they can grow from those mistakes versus have

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to hide them or, you know, try to lie about them or anything

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like that. So starting with that as early as you possibly can,

Unknown: 00:08:21

and think, you know, applying it to yourself as well as a parent.

Unknown: 00:08:25

So the one thing that really made me want to, to focus on

Unknown: 00:08:32

this with my kids, actually, I've just, I just want to give a

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quick memory. My son was about seven years old. And I was

Unknown: 00:08:39

saying something. I mean, he did something that seven year olds

Unknown: 00:08:41

do, because he was being goofy. And I probably asked him 100

Unknown: 00:08:44

times to stop doing it, you know, but he ended up spilling

Unknown: 00:08:48

orange juice all over the carpet and the kitchen floor. And it

Unknown: 00:08:52

went everywhere. I mean, we had it on this feeling it was just

Unknown: 00:08:55

crazy. And I said, Why in the world? Would you do that? What

Unknown: 00:08:59

is wrong with you? I said these words to my seven year old

Unknown: 00:09:02

child. And he just said, I don't know what's wrong with me. I

Unknown: 00:09:06

think I always do these things. And that's, you know, I'm a

Unknown: 00:09:10

psychologist, like, I'm the last person who should be saying that

Unknown: 00:09:13

to her kids. And I think, what did I just do? And I realized I

Unknown: 00:09:17

am triggered. And when I am triggered, I do not behave with

Unknown: 00:09:23

a plan in mind. And so it really brought me to thinking, what do

Unknown: 00:09:27

I want to provide for my children? And for me? Yeah, so

Unknown: 00:09:33

that I don't get to this triggered state by children just

Unknown: 00:09:36

acting like children. And it came down to I want to have

Unknown: 00:09:39

relationship. So I think that is where it started is the idea

Unknown: 00:09:44

that there is no blame? Yeah, and this is where I start with

Unknown: 00:09:48

parents. There is no blame. Like there are a million ways to

Unknown: 00:09:52

parent your kids and very few wrong ways. And those ways are

Unknown: 00:09:56

reportable. And yeah, you know, so don't tell me that Most ways,

Unknown: 00:10:00

I mean, I think it's pretty obvious what those ways are.

Unknown: 00:10:02

Otherwise, there are a million right ways to do it, and you

Unknown: 00:10:06

don't blame yourself, you're just accountable. Just take a

Unknown: 00:10:09

moment and think about what you're doing. And don't blame

Unknown: 00:10:12

yourself, if you feel like you don't want to do it that way

Unknown: 00:10:14

anymore. So just, you know, move on. And that model is for your

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kids, that mistakes can be made, and you can make up for them.

Unknown: 00:10:23

And, and it, it strengthens your relationship with them.

Unknown: 00:10:27

I love this so much Tracy, because it really is about

Unknown: 00:10:31

having that moment, you know, earlier in the month when I was

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talking about what intention is, and then gave the three if I had

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a 3d framework, if you will, on on executing, and it was decide,

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declare, and do those are the three Ds. And I could hear in

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your story that you have this defining moment, where you

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decided, what's the relationship I want with my son? What's the

Unknown: 00:10:57

relationship I want with my kids? Right in that moment? And

Unknown: 00:11:01

you know, yeah, okay. We think that we have this expertise. But

Unknown: 00:11:06

we're also human. And I love how you took accountability. Like in

Unknown: 00:11:10

that moment, what was happening, not blame, but like, let me just

Unknown: 00:11:14

stop and look and see what was happening right here right now.

Unknown: 00:11:18

And I got triggered. And here's what happens when I get

Unknown: 00:11:21

triggered. So what am I going to have be different in place. And

Unknown: 00:11:25

I think that modeling accountability, and I love what

Unknown: 00:11:28

you said, accountability is not blame, not blame. It's complete

Unknown: 00:11:32

ownership. It's complete ownership. And I just love what

Unknown: 00:11:36

you set up with them. And with him in particular, like you can,

Unknown: 00:11:40

you can 100% change the course. Right then in there, right then

Unknown: 00:11:45

in there. I think it's powerful, powerful. I really want to

Unknown: 00:11:49

acknowledge you for that.

Unknown: 00:11:51

Thank you. It was a turning point for us. And my husband and

Unknown: 00:11:54

I were able to sit down and think what is it that we really

Unknown: 00:11:58

want to give our children? Yeah, you know, we want them to have

Unknown: 00:12:03

lives that they're in control of? Yeah, right. We want them to

Unknown: 00:12:07

have fundamental respect for themselves. For us, for their

Unknown: 00:12:11

home for their community for the world. We want to establish that

Unknown: 00:12:16

and and it has to start with us as parents respecting them. This

Unknown: 00:12:21

does not mean not setting boundaries. Boundaries are a

Unknown: 00:12:26

form of respect.

Unknown: 00:12:27

100%. Yeah, well, I think boundaries absolutely help

Unknown: 00:12:32

others, it helps both parties, like what are my boundaries,

Unknown: 00:12:35

clearly communicate them. So that just like you said, we have

Unknown: 00:12:39

mutual respect, I don't think respect is something you can

Unknown: 00:12:43

command or demand. Right. So I think that with what you're

Unknown: 00:12:46

saying, Have those boundaries in place that are clearly

Unknown: 00:12:49

communicated, is going to establish and foster that, you

Unknown: 00:12:54

know, culture of respect, if you will,

Unknown: 00:12:57

yes, I agree. And once you set boundaries, they're going to be

Unknown: 00:13:01

crossed over, because we're human, we can't be 100%. Within

Unknown: 00:13:07

boundaries all the time, we get tired, we get hungry, become

Unknown: 00:13:10

self focused, we become overwhelmed. Any of those things

Unknown: 00:13:13

happen to all of us, adults and children alike. So when you set

Unknown: 00:13:18

your boundaries, and they can be as unique to your family as you

Unknown: 00:13:21

need them to be, this is not a formula that we apply. But when

Unknown: 00:13:26

you set your boundaries and your children cross them, you plan

Unknown: 00:13:30

for that you plan for the crossing, you have a discussion

Unknown: 00:13:33

about it, maybe beforehand, if they're old enough, and talk

Unknown: 00:13:36

about you know, here's what our first level response is going to

Unknown: 00:13:39

be. And once a first level response comes around, then you

Unknown: 00:13:43

say, Okay, we've had a first level response, here's where it

Unknown: 00:13:46

escalates. And then if it escalates, okay, here's where

Unknown: 00:13:49

it's going to go and have an endpoint in your mind, because

Unknown: 00:13:53

your boundaries are teaching them. This is where I end and

Unknown: 00:13:58

you begin. So here's what you have control over. And here's

Unknown: 00:14:01

what I have control over. This is my boundary in my home. And I

Unknown: 00:14:06

am establishing it for these reasons for my own well being my

Unknown: 00:14:10

own convenience to teach you to make our home comfortable,

Unknown: 00:14:13

whatever your boundary reason is, yeah, and here's what

Unknown: 00:14:17

happens when, when that boundary is crossed. And they learn to

Unknown: 00:14:21

trust you from that. boundaries don't have to be harsh, you

Unknown: 00:14:25

don't have to yell at at them. It can be just easily

Unknown: 00:14:28

established, and they learn to trust you when you keep your

Unknown: 00:14:31

boundary. They learn about keeping their own boundaries.

Unknown: 00:14:34

It's a powerful tool.

Unknown: 00:14:35

I love that so much. And I think the thing that I really think is

Unknown: 00:14:41

also important is how you're really sharing about the

Unknown: 00:14:44

communication and why we have this boundary. Because I don't

Unknown: 00:14:49

know I remember growing up and like I knew the rules, right? I

Unknown: 00:14:53

knew the rules. I knew the rules of being you know, in my family,

Unknown: 00:14:58

but I don't know that we had those discussions back back then

Unknown: 00:15:02

back in the day? I don't know that we have those discussions

Unknown: 00:15:04

about, and here's why. Right? And I find that the more we

Unknown: 00:15:08

understand the purpose of something, right, the purpose

Unknown: 00:15:11

the intention of something, then, okay, now we have a

Unknown: 00:15:15

different we've got, it's a whole different game. And I

Unknown: 00:15:19

think sometimes we forget that children actually do understand

Unknown: 00:15:22

purpose, they understand why. Yeah, I realized, like, what is

Unknown: 00:15:28

the number one question you get asked by parents?

Unknown: 00:15:31

So the number one question I get when I talk about this is how

Unknown: 00:15:35

could this possibly work with my kid? If I don't have control?

Unknown: 00:15:39

They'll just lay around and play video games? Or if I set

Unknown: 00:15:43

boundaries, they'll just ignore them and do what they want

Unknown: 00:15:45

anyway, and I wouldn't powerless or something like that. That's

Unknown: 00:15:48

the number one question I get. And

Unknown: 00:15:52

how do those sorry, go ahead. You keep going? No, no, it's

Unknown: 00:15:57

fine.

Unknown: 00:15:57

I, I, I try to tell them well, going back to, there are an

Unknown: 00:16:02

infinite amount of right ways to parent and if you're wrong ways,

Unknown: 00:16:06

some tend to be more authoritarian, some more

Unknown: 00:16:09

permissive, some parents want the house noisy and chaotic with

Unknown: 00:16:12

kids. And some parents want to have a quiet sanctuary.

Unknown: 00:16:15

Everybody tends to fall in the middle of that somewhere. And

Unknown: 00:16:19

then you add in things like personality, extroverted

Unknown: 00:16:21

introverted, they're more agreeable to question authority

Unknown: 00:16:25

in their family, some want to go hiking, some want to sit in the

Unknown: 00:16:27

backyard and read, like, there are so many different ways a

Unknown: 00:16:31

family can be an all of them are fine, they're good. They, they

Unknown: 00:16:37

do what needs to be done. They parent, they have a home. And as

Unknown: 00:16:41

long as it's consistent, it's going to work. It's a

Unknown: 00:16:45

foundation. And you figure out what you want for your home and

Unknown: 00:16:49

your family. And I mentioned, you know, it's respect in our

Unknown: 00:16:52

family, but you want to isolate one or two, three kind of big

Unknown: 00:16:55

concepts, to focus everything around other people have used,

Unknown: 00:17:00

like kindness, I've had families choose wisdom, community faith,

Unknown: 00:17:05

but everything grows out of that foundation. So if everybody is

Unknown: 00:17:12

on the same page with a common mission of you know, being

Unknown: 00:17:16

respectful to one another in our home, or being faithful in

Unknown: 00:17:20

another home, or or focusing on community or whatever,

Unknown: 00:17:23

everything can be built out of that. So we are not setting a

Unknown: 00:17:26

curfew because you need to control your 17 year old, you're

Unknown: 00:17:30

setting a curfew, because you need to go to bed at a certain

Unknown: 00:17:35

time because you have a life to lead, right. And you cannot

Unknown: 00:17:38

sleep well without your 17 year old home, because he's important

Unknown: 00:17:42

to you. So you set a curfew and you share that it's a an out of

Unknown: 00:17:46

respect for you, because you've built this relationship. They're

Unknown: 00:17:48

like, Okay, I'll keep it. And when they don't the

Unknown: 00:17:51

conversations around, that felt pretty disrespectful that you

Unknown: 00:17:54

didn't keep it and you know, then it has, there's a context

Unknown: 00:17:59

and a foundation to use when you're having a conversation

Unknown: 00:18:02

about when boundaries are crossed. So it's not about

Unknown: 00:18:05

punishment, and control. And I'm going to take your phone and

Unknown: 00:18:09

you're going to stop for good. It's not about that it's about

Unknown: 00:18:13

and so parents are reluctant at first, because it sounds like

Unknown: 00:18:16

you're letting them get away with things are. It sounds like

Unknown: 00:18:19

you're not going to have any power. But the truth is, the

Unknown: 00:18:22

more you are, you know, on a common page with them. And you

Unknown: 00:18:27

can have that contextual conversation, the more they

Unknown: 00:18:30

understand. And I'll give you a for example. Yeah, my 17 year

Unknown: 00:18:35

old tells me hard I'm sorry, he's 18. I forget, yes. I want

Unknown: 00:18:40

him to be 17 tells me I'm going to leave somebody do something.

Unknown: 00:18:46

And this is around four o'clock in the afternoon and I busy and

Unknown: 00:18:49

around 630 I think When is he coming back? I checked my life

Unknown: 00:18:51

360 which we still have because he's in high school. And I see

Unknown: 00:18:57

that he is about two hours away. Well, this wasn't a discussion.

Unknown: 00:19:01

So of course, I immediately text him and I get a text back. I'm

Unknown: 00:19:03

sorry, I should have said something before now. We're

Unknown: 00:19:05

busy. I didn't think about it. I apologize. I'm not going to

Unknown: 00:19:09

fight with him over text. There's nothing he can do. He's

Unknown: 00:19:12

not driving. They can't say get home now. I'd have to go get it.

Unknown: 00:19:15

It's not. So I just take a moment because I'll tell you I'm

Unknown: 00:19:18

pretty triggered like Yeah, we didn't talk about this. Yeah,

Unknown: 00:19:21

two hours away. It's a big deal. I'm a little worried that you're

Unknown: 00:19:24

gonna be home till very late. And then his own dice, which is

Unknown: 00:19:28

a bone of contention in our home, and I am frustrated. And

Unknown: 00:19:32

so I don't I know I'm frustrated and I'm triggered. So I do

Unknown: 00:19:37

nothing. I just do nothing. There's no point. There's

Unknown: 00:19:40

nothing I can do in that moment to solve it. At 830 I get a text

Unknown: 00:19:44

from him. We're still here. And then I realized, okay, he's not

Unknown: 00:19:48

going to be home until 1030. But 1030 rolls around and he's home

Unknown: 00:19:52

and I can't text and the phone's completely dead now and I

Unknown: 00:19:55

there's nothing I have no idea. So of course I have all kinds of

Unknown: 00:19:58

things I'm convinced about What's happening, but I don't

Unknown: 00:20:02

engage in any of them. He calls me at about five to 11 and says,

Unknown: 00:20:07

we're back in town, my phone completely died. I didn't have a

Unknown: 00:20:09

charger, it's not my car, I was driving somebody else's car for

Unknown: 00:20:12

them. You know, he's got this whole thing. And and I believe

Unknown: 00:20:16

him because he has a history of being trustworthy. And when he

Unknown: 00:20:20

comes home, the minute he walks in the door, he's like, Mom, I'm

Unknown: 00:20:23

so sorry. This did not turn out at all, like I thought I did. It

Unknown: 00:20:27

would. I'm so sorry, I worried you that wasn't paying

Unknown: 00:20:30

attention. And then all I asked him is what would you do

Unknown: 00:20:33

differently next time? And he said, Oh, I would let you know,

Unknown: 00:20:36

sooner than I did. And I'm really sorry. So at the end of

Unknown: 00:20:39

that conversation, there doesn't need to be a grounding or taking

Unknown: 00:20:43

away on the phone or anything, because he got it. Now, if it

Unknown: 00:20:47

happened tomorrow, that we'd have to have a level one

Unknown: 00:20:50

response, but he already got it. Because we have this long

Unknown: 00:20:54

history of here's why the rule is in place. And when you

Unknown: 00:20:58

violate the rule, here's what happens for me. And so he knows

Unknown: 00:21:02

to come in and address those things with me. So I know that

Unknown: 00:21:07

some people may say, Well, he just manipulated you. But did

Unknown: 00:21:11

he? Because he came in acknowledging what he did wrong,

Unknown: 00:21:15

took responsibility for it and told me what he would do

Unknown: 00:21:18

different next time. So in the end, I think we both win. Yeah,

Unknown: 00:21:23

it's true. Because the thing that I'm hearing is, again,

Unknown: 00:21:27

there's that framework of respect, it sounds like you also

Unknown: 00:21:30

have a lot of values based conversations right? With,

Unknown: 00:21:35

whether it's with your own family, whether you're working

Unknown: 00:21:38

with parents, and I always say that, gosh, values based

Unknown: 00:21:41

conversations like respect, communication, you know,

Unknown: 00:21:44

whatever, whatever your values are, it has us address things in

Unknown: 00:21:48

a whole different way. It's the behavior not necessarily the the

Unknown: 00:21:53

person like personally the you know, and because you have

Unknown: 00:21:58

accountability, pretty locked and loaded, it sounds like in

Unknown: 00:22:01

your home, it is it, you know, he took responsibility. The

Unknown: 00:22:07

other thing that I love that you said, you know, is okay, I

Unknown: 00:22:13

definitely am triggered, I'm definitely frustrated, I have

Unknown: 00:22:17

all these things going. And I know right now, attempting to

Unknown: 00:22:21

engage in this on text is not going to be useful, right? It's

Unknown: 00:22:25

not going to be useful. So it really required you to, and you

Unknown: 00:22:30

said this was so powerful, like, I'm not going to engage with

Unknown: 00:22:33

these thoughts. Because as parents, we start painting

Unknown: 00:22:36

pictures of fear and all those types of things. And you

Unknown: 00:22:39

literally like, I'm not going to engage in those and manage

Unknown: 00:22:42

yourself in a way that created I think that environment also for

Unknown: 00:22:46

him to come in and address it. Right. And I love what you said

Unknown: 00:22:50

it is not manipulation. He got it. I'm sure he was probably

Unknown: 00:22:55

very concerned, while he was out and about knowing I'm not in

Unknown: 00:22:59

communication with my mom. Right. And so the way that you

Unknown: 00:23:03

address that was so beautiful. And it and I get where you say

Unknown: 00:23:06

like it could feel like, oh, you know, he just manipulated you.

Unknown: 00:23:09

But he doesn't necessarily have a pattern of that. And what you

Unknown: 00:23:11

said is, you know if this happened again, now we're having

Unknown: 00:23:15

a level one conversation, by the way, what is level one? What is

Unknown: 00:23:18

that?

Unknown: 00:23:19

Level? One would be that he we own the car. So he

Unknown: 00:23:24

got it? Yeah. And he he probably knows what level one is. He

Unknown: 00:23:29

knows.

Unknown: 00:23:29

That's is they I think that was his pair when he came.

Unknown: 00:23:34

I just I just escalated to level one. I know it right? Yeah, he

Unknown: 00:23:38

sent him an opportunity. You know, I always say this, like,

Unknown: 00:23:42

trust is not an end destination, we build it and break it all the

Unknown: 00:23:46

time. You know, even in our families, but you you're giving

Unknown: 00:23:50

him that opportunity to be accountable, to build trust, and

Unknown: 00:23:54

to learn from these in a way that was really respectful. That

Unknown: 00:23:59

was beautiful. What a great example, what a great example.

Unknown: 00:24:02

I know, so thankful he gave me an example to talk about the

Unknown: 00:24:05

other night. Here's the thing, though, when I am working with

Unknown: 00:24:09

parents, yes, tell me, um, I wanted to be perfectly clear

Unknown: 00:24:14

that I share as a parent, and also when I was an educator, I

Unknown: 00:24:18

am not 100% in a resourceful place and responding, you know,

Unknown: 00:24:24

in a resourceful way to my kids, there could have easily I could

Unknown: 00:24:28

have been overwhelmed and triggered and over caffeinated.

Unknown: 00:24:31

And who knows what, and like started firing off texts to him

Unknown: 00:24:35

that he wouldn't get until he recharged to spawn and looked at

Unknown: 00:24:37

it. And and he, you know, would have read it all and it would

Unknown: 00:24:40

escalate it and we would have both been in about I mean, that

Unknown: 00:24:43

could have happened because we're human, and I'm sort of a

Unknown: 00:24:47

emotional person. So it definitely could have happened.

Unknown: 00:24:51

It's okay, because the repair of that is also a lesson in how you

Unknown: 00:24:58

set boundaries and how you answer for yourself and how you

Unknown: 00:25:01

apologize and take accountability and and talk

Unknown: 00:25:05

about how you would what you would do differently. So even in

Unknown: 00:25:09

a mistake, you are still in a perfect position to maintain the

Unknown: 00:25:14

relationship with your child and set your boundaries and be able

Unknown: 00:25:19

to, you know, tell them you're sorry. And take accountability,

Unknown: 00:25:23

because just sorry, isn't enough, right? Yeah. So it

Unknown: 00:25:26

doesn't even matter if a mistake is made. And I think that, for

Unknown: 00:25:29

me, is where the power comes when I'm working with the

Unknown: 00:25:31

family, because the power comes in, you do not have to be

Unknown: 00:25:37

perfect, you do not have have to have this all planned out. And

Unknown: 00:25:42

you can go back and repair that's part of being in

Unknown: 00:25:45

relationship with somebody. And so that is a piece that I think

Unknown: 00:25:51

I can bring to parents that sometimes they don't allow for

Unknown: 00:25:55

themselves.

Unknown: 00:25:56

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. It's so you know, they didn't give us a

Unknown: 00:26:00

manual, right? Like they, we had our kids and they didn't say, by

Unknown: 00:26:04

the way, here is the manual and, and go ahead and use this. So I

Unknown: 00:26:10

love the way that you work with parents, I think it's so so

Unknown: 00:26:14

important. I know that one of the most important goals that

Unknown: 00:26:20

you talk about, is truly about the relationship with kids into

Unknown: 00:26:27

adulthood, right? You've started it in your own family, and then

Unknown: 00:26:31

really being a stand for that. In other families, what have you

Unknown: 00:26:34

experienced? Well, you've shared what you've experienced

Unknown: 00:26:37

personally, in your own relationship with your son just

Unknown: 00:26:40

recently, but is there anything more that you can share that

Unknown: 00:26:43

could really help our listeners out there that are parents to

Unknown: 00:26:46

really grab this concept? Well, you start

Unknown: 00:26:50

out parenting, being pretty crazy about your kids. Yeah,

Unknown: 00:26:54

like, you're just crazy in love with your kids when they are

Unknown: 00:26:57

first born. And for some parents, that fades and it's

Unknown: 00:27:01

painful, and the relationship deteriorates. And sometimes it

Unknown: 00:27:05

comes back around in adulthood. But parents feel a sense of

Unknown: 00:27:09

loss. Because as the children grow, they grow away. And they

Unknown: 00:27:13

don't feel as connected. And we kind of long for those times in

Unknown: 00:27:17

childhood, when we were crazy about our kids. And I think what

Unknown: 00:27:22

I wanted to bring to parents, because my husband and I

Unknown: 00:27:25

continue to be crazy about our kids. And parents can have that

Unknown: 00:27:31

joy that comes with being a parent to mean, most of the time

Unknown: 00:27:36

or a lot of the time, parenting is joy. I mean, even if you want

Unknown: 00:27:40

to escape your little darlings, and go on a vacation away with

Unknown: 00:27:43

your partner, or with your friends, that's fine, it's good

Unknown: 00:27:46

that maintains relationship, your kids want that too. So they

Unknown: 00:27:50

go to friends houses, right, you know, want to be away from you.

Unknown: 00:27:53

And they want to establish that sense of identity and aloneness

Unknown: 00:27:57

separate from their parents they want it to, but it doesn't mean

Unknown: 00:28:01

you aren't crazy about them. And, and even when they're

Unknown: 00:28:04

moody, a little, you know oppositional, it's okay, that

Unknown: 00:28:09

you're irritated by them. But the overall arc of your

Unknown: 00:28:13

relationship is that you're just crazy about them, and you can't

Unknown: 00:28:16

wait to see them when they come home, and you can't wait to talk

Unknown: 00:28:20

to them about their day. I mean, it's a it's a source of joy. And

Unknown: 00:28:25

we lose that as they get older. And I think in our society, sort

Unknown: 00:28:28

of social media and television shows whatever they sort of,

Unknown: 00:28:32

they propagate that idea that, you know, kids are just going to

Unknown: 00:28:36

break away and then you're going to be on your own, and to do,

Unknown: 00:28:40

but, and that's true, they become their own people and your

Unknown: 00:28:43

identity should be solidly in yourself and not in your kids.

Unknown: 00:28:46

That's true. But having joy can be all the way through and I end

Unknown: 00:28:53

up and it pains me when I see families who love each other

Unknown: 00:28:57

parents who love their kids, kids who love their parents, but

Unknown: 00:29:00

they don't get to share it together. And that is really my

Unknown: 00:29:04

purposes. I want to bring all of that together so that they can

Unknown: 00:29:09

enjoy the love together in wholeness and a whole

Unknown: 00:29:12

relationship and take it on to him in adulthood. Because of my

Unknown: 00:29:16

my kids are at the end. I have one who's graduating in a month

Unknown: 00:29:19

and by no

Unknown: 00:29:20

congratulations, by the way.

Unknown: 00:29:22

Thank you. Yeah, but I know it's the end of something. But I also

Unknown: 00:29:26

know it's the beginning of something else. It doesn't end

Unknown: 00:29:30

now. 100% Joy can continue. So 100% on purpose.

Unknown: 00:29:34

I love that. I love that. Is there anything else you want to

Unknown: 00:29:37

share with that?

Unknown: 00:29:39

I just want to share that. When a family shifts from control to

Unknown: 00:29:44

influence. There's almost always a period of testing that comes

Unknown: 00:29:48

with that boundaries will get tested. Okay. And once that

Unknown: 00:29:51

period of though is over and this has been my experience with

Unknown: 00:29:54

families. It's like a calm descends that both parents and

Unknown: 00:30:00

On the children transform the parents report to me, our kids

Unknown: 00:30:03

are completely different. But I know that the parents are

Unknown: 00:30:07

different. And with that the kids can be different. And the

Unknown: 00:30:12

transformation is like a sense of calm. I've had families say

Unknown: 00:30:15

this to me. Many times, it's probably the most common thing.

Unknown: 00:30:19

They say, like, you know, a month or two in, it's our house

Unknown: 00:30:22

is so calm. It's such a sanctuary. It's such an easy

Unknown: 00:30:26

place to be now, everything is more relaxed, we're laughing

Unknown: 00:30:30

more, we enjoy times more together, they just tend to

Unknown: 00:30:35

engage more. And here is one thing that I did not expect that

Unknown: 00:30:41

when I look back at what families tell me, they tell me

Unknown: 00:30:45

they feel like there are less scheduled things going on life

Unknown: 00:30:50

slows down a little bit, because they prefer to be at home and

Unknown: 00:30:55

enjoying each other. So I've come to see that as a marker of

Unknown: 00:30:59

success when I hear family say, and it's like we're doing less,

Unknown: 00:31:02

we're spending more time around together.

Unknown: 00:31:04

That you know what, that's wonderful. Yeah, that's amazing.

Unknown: 00:31:07

I think that's amazing. I think it's really, it's intentional,

Unknown: 00:31:11

it's intentional, we want to connect with them. Right? I

Unknown: 00:31:15

remember when I was bringing up my boys, it was like, you know,

Unknown: 00:31:18

how many activities guy that was like the thing like you got to

Unknown: 00:31:22

keep them busy, right? That kind of thing. And I remember getting

Unknown: 00:31:25

to a point where I was like, I don't I don't know that we're

Unknown: 00:31:29

connecting. Right? So giving them the choice, like, pick one,

Unknown: 00:31:34

right? They were really into sports, right? And they would

Unknown: 00:31:36

play like two at a time and this and that. I'm like, yeah, maybe

Unknown: 00:31:39

we're at a time to pick one. What do you think, and I was

Unknown: 00:31:42

surprised, they were ready. They were like, I'd like to pick one.

Unknown: 00:31:45

Right, I'd like to have some more, you know, quiet time, I'd

Unknown: 00:31:50

like to, and I feel really blessed to because it's, it's in

Unknown: 00:31:56

the My again, my boys are my youngest ones just about ready

Unknown: 00:31:59

to graduate college. And so it's, you know, I can go back to

Unknown: 00:32:04

where you are right now with with your son just about

Unknown: 00:32:06

graduating high school. But I'm so grateful to have had that

Unknown: 00:32:11

intentional, you know, intentional relationship with

Unknown: 00:32:15

them. Because here's what I want you to know, what Tracy is

Unknown: 00:32:17

sharing, I can say it works. It works. Like, even though I have

Unknown: 00:32:23

one that is just about to graduate college and the other

Unknown: 00:32:25

ones in his third year at dental school, like we all still talk,

Unknown: 00:32:29

we all still connect, they actually want to come home, they

Unknown: 00:32:32

actually want to. Yeah, and so like, this is one of the reasons

Unknown: 00:32:37

I was really excited. And that doesn't mean it's perfect. I

Unknown: 00:32:40

want everyone to know, it doesn't mean it's perfect. It

Unknown: 00:32:42

doesn't mean that, you know, there's not triggers or there's

Unknown: 00:32:44

not things and stuff like that, because, but but the thing that

Unknown: 00:32:48

has been so beautiful is seeing who they have evolved into,

Unknown: 00:32:52

right. And that kind of goes back to what you said in the

Unknown: 00:32:54

beginning, Tracy that we get to be like, identify with who we

Unknown: 00:32:59

are in the world and allow them to identify like who they are in

Unknown: 00:33:02

the world. And it's really been like, we can't wrap our identity

Unknown: 00:33:06

up in our kids who will be really challenging right now,

Unknown: 00:33:11

because they are their individuals. And so it's really,

Unknown: 00:33:14

it is beautiful to see from being an intent and being an

Unknown: 00:33:18

intentional parent knowing like, I want to have this relationship

Unknown: 00:33:21

through adulthood and continue on. It works. It works. So I am

Unknown: 00:33:26

really grateful, Tracy for the work that you do. And you know

Unknown: 00:33:31

the stand that you take for families. How can people work

Unknown: 00:33:36

with you? How can people work with you.

Unknown: 00:33:39

So I work privately as a coach with parents. I also do groups

Unknown: 00:33:48

periodically. And I do workshops. And I can also come

Unknown: 00:33:51

and speak to groups. So if I have spoken to a couple of

Unknown: 00:33:56

different parent groups, I've spoken with a homeschooling

Unknown: 00:34:01

parent group, and really just sort of in the in and it can be

Unknown: 00:34:05

kind of tailored around the group's particular needs. Or it

Unknown: 00:34:08

can be a more general presentation, but I really like

Unknown: 00:34:12

just reaching as many parents as I can. Yeah, to talk with them

Unknown: 00:34:15

about this. Yeah. Because I'm so happy for you.

Unknown: 00:34:19

Oh, thank you. Thank you. I I think it's so important because

Unknown: 00:34:24

I think sometimes, I don't know, I remember back in the day, like

Unknown: 00:34:28

again, they didn't give us a manual. It's not Amanda and

Unknown: 00:34:32

like, Okay, what and I was always really big to on like,

Unknown: 00:34:37

what's my purpose as a mom, you know, what's my purpose as a

Unknown: 00:34:39

parent? And what is like, what if, I mean what is the intention

Unknown: 00:34:45

here? What is the intention here and I think it really really

Unknown: 00:34:49

works and I think a lot of the concepts that you have brought

Unknown: 00:34:52

in today and I know those are just some of what Tracy you do,

Unknown: 00:34:57

you know with families is just this like it's snippet, quite

Unknown: 00:35:00

frankly, that these were beautiful and powerful that can

Unknown: 00:35:03

really help us be intentional in our relationships with our kids

Unknown: 00:35:08

all the way through adulthood. So how would someone get a hold

Unknown: 00:35:11

of you?

Unknown: 00:35:12

They can, they can go to my website, www dot advantage

Unknown: 00:35:18

lep.com. Or I can I can be emailed i You can call me or

Unknown: 00:35:24

text me. There, there are a myriad of ways to get in touch

Unknown: 00:35:27

with me, but probably says a website would be the easiest

Unknown: 00:35:30

way.

Unknown: 00:35:31

Okay? Well, I will use for everyone. As you all know,

Unknown: 00:35:36

Tracy's information is going to be in the shownotes, it will be

Unknown: 00:35:39

on my website. And for those of you that are, you know, parents,

Unknown: 00:35:44

and you're looking to have some support in having that

Unknown: 00:35:48

intentional relationship, and you want that support, I highly

Unknown: 00:35:52

encourage you to reach out to Tracy, I, she cares so much.

Unknown: 00:35:56

This is so important to her. This is her passion. And I

Unknown: 00:36:02

remember I love what you said too, in the beginning, Tracy

Unknown: 00:36:04

were like there is a lots of great ways to parent, right?

Unknown: 00:36:08

There's so many possibilities. And that's the other thing that

Unknown: 00:36:12

I think it's so important is that, you know, Tracy is not

Unknown: 00:36:15

going giving you a manual, she's gonna meet you where you guys

Unknown: 00:36:19

are, and then help you open up some possibilities. And she's

Unknown: 00:36:23

really, really great at that really, really great at that.

Unknown: 00:36:26

So, so I highly encourage you to connect with Tracy, You're

Unknown: 00:36:30

welcome in advance. Welcome in advance. So, Tracy, thank you so

Unknown: 00:36:36

much for being here and sharing your journey as a parent, how

Unknown: 00:36:42

you support people, some of your philosophies, and like, I think

Unknown: 00:36:47

it just really gives parents you know, especially kind of in

Unknown: 00:36:51

those teenage years, right, like, there is hope. There is

Unknown: 00:36:57

yes, yes.

Unknown: 00:36:59

Thank you so much for the opportunity to share this and to

Unknown: 00:37:04

bring more parents to a joyful relationship with their kids

Unknown: 00:37:08

into adulthood. Thank you for this opportunity. You are

Unknown: 00:37:11

appreciated.

Unknown: 00:37:12

Oh my goodness, you're so welcome. I am thrilled. I'm so

Unknown: 00:37:16

thrilled. You know, I've been very excited about this episode.

Unknown: 00:37:18

And, and I love joy, I love that you take that stand for joy, and

Unknown: 00:37:24

that it is possible. It's possible. So again, Tracy, thank

Unknown: 00:37:28

you so much. Remember, every one we have a choice to lead our

Unknown: 00:37:32

life or follow circumstances. And life really is about knowing

Unknown: 00:37:37

your passions, your purpose and your values, and creating an

Unknown: 00:37:40

impact in your life and the life of others. And in like in

Unknown: 00:37:43

today's episode, it's really, what's that impact we want in

Unknown: 00:37:46

our families, what is it that we want with our children, you can

Unknown: 00:37:49

absolutely create that. And who emerges from taking the lead in

Unknown: 00:37:53

their lives are authentic and vulnerable and courageous. And

Unknown: 00:37:56

you really got to experience that with Tracy today and some

Unknown: 00:38:00

of her own personal stories. And so we got to know that it's not

Unknown: 00:38:04

always going to look the way we think it's supposed to get we

Unknown: 00:38:07

heard that from Tracy, right? Like we're gonna get triggered,

Unknown: 00:38:10

we're gonna have those moments, but trust that more gets

Unknown: 00:38:12

revealed based on the action you take. And as we move forward,

Unknown: 00:38:17

remember, take those pauses, Lego of worry, Lego of doubt,

Unknown: 00:38:22

and you get to live fully the best version of yourselves. And

Unknown: 00:38:27

I want to say thank you for listening today. I know there

Unknown: 00:38:30

was great value for you as you move through your day and take

Unknown: 00:38:34

the lead in your life. I want to hear you know what you're

Unknown: 00:38:37

creating along the way. So please check in. And I we're

Unknown: 00:38:42

going to be back with some more on intention. Next week. We're

Unknown: 00:38:46

continuing the series. I'm excited about it. And let me

Unknown: 00:38:50

know what you think. Have a great week ahead. And you know

Unknown: 00:38:54

the drill, if it's not shaping up the way you want it to take

Unknown: 00:38:57

the lead and create a fantastic one. Tracy, thank you again for

Unknown: 00:39:01

being here and sharing all your joy. And let's have a great week

Unknown: 00:39:06

y'all talk with you soon. Thanks for listening to another episode

Unknown: 00:39:11

of Let's be honest before we start pretending for more

Unknown: 00:39:14

resources on taking the lead in your life, head over to Kelly J

Unknown: 00:39:20

mobic.com. And connect with me on Instagram at coach Kelly

Unknown: 00:39:25

mobile. If this episode was helpful for you, please feel

Unknown: 00:39:29

free to share it with friends rate and review it on iTunes.

Unknown: 00:39:33

That's Apple podcasts now, and at any time feel free to connect

Unknown: 00:39:37

with me and let me know what you want to hear next or what you're

Unknown: 00:39:40

working on. I'm happy to help. Thanks again for listening and

Unknown: 00:39:44

here's to you taking the lead in your life.