In this episode, host Lesa welcomes JJ Flizanes, a multi-published author, interviewer, and expert in combining emotional and physical wellness. JJ shares her journey from personal training to starting a podcast aimed at emotional healing and saving marriages. They delve into the connection between emotions, physical health, and wellness, discussing JJ's holistic approach to addressing core wounds and habits that impact health. Lesa also shares her experience with a cancer diagnosis and how it led her to truly love her body for the first time. JJ emphasizes the importance of identifying emotional triggers, understanding and meeting one's needs, and the transformative power of self-awareness and acceptance. This conversation explores how addressing deep-seated emotional issues can lead to tangible improvements in physical health and overall well-being.

00:00 Introduction and Guest Welcome

00:43 JJ's Journey and Career

01:58 Personal Story and Health Journey

03:55 Emotional Roots of Illness

07:59 Understanding and Processing Emotions

13:13 Identifying and Meeting Needs

17:34 Understanding and Meeting Your Needs

19:52 Exploring Emotional Roots and Core Wounds

24:20 The Role of Therapy and Self-Discovery

27:02 Practical Steps for Emotional Healing

31:16 Final Thoughts and Resources

Take JJ's course here: Roadmap to Emotional Healing with JJ

JJ Flizanes Feelings and Needs List

lesakoski.com

https://linktr.ee/LesaKoski

Welcome listeners.

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I'm so happy that you're here today.

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I have J.

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J.

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Philzanes.

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She's here today.

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And I remember I had J.

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J.

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on doing Divorce Different.

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Years ago, and I remember

I was kind of nervous.

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It was one of my first ones.

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And I'm like, she's kind of a big deal.

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I mean, you've written a couple of books,

you're interviewed often, and I've been

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following you a little bit in your career.

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And I think what I really love about

JJ is that she works with the emotional

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and the physical kind of together.

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Is that correct?

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Am I getting that right?

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Yeah.

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JJ Flizanes: it all goes

together the spiritual the mental

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emotional it all goes together.

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Lesa Koski: you've got a couple of

different podcasts You've got things

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you're doing to help people feel better

about themselves and we're gonna really

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dig into that I want to know what led

you to In this journey to where you

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are today, helping people as you are.

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JJ Flizanes: that's a long

story that has twists and turns.

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But the bottom line is I'm a seeker.

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I've always been curious about human

behavior and why people act the way

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they do or feel the way they do.

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my last.

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I don't want to say career or

profession because I'm still doing it.

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I was a personal trainer and there are

many things that led to that, but the

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personal trainer in me was still extremely

curious about more than just the body.

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And as I was learning more, I was

desiring to help people in different ways.

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My clients weren't very

interested in that.

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They just wanted what I was already doing.

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So I started a podcast and

attracted people who wanted

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to do the emotional work.

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I started my podcast to help save my

marriage, which wasn't meant to be

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saved, but was meant to teach me what I

learned so that I could help save other

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people's marriages if they are meant

to be saved and to help people really

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get to the root cause of their patterns

and their habits and their emotions.

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Lesa Koski: I love that.

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And I love the fitness piece too.

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And this is what I have to tell you.

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I had this aha and I was thinking before

you got on, I'm like, I don't know if I

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really want to talk about this or not.

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It's funny.

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So I recently, through the summer had

a cancer diagnosis and went through

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treatment and it was, it's something

that I don't love to talk about.

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I do talk about it because I know it helps

people, but it makes me uncomfortable.

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I have been talking about it and I did

really, really well through all the

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treatment and I just did a radical change.

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I had breast cancer and I had to

go through chemo and radiation,

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but the really good thing

was it was early detection.

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So it was not spreading.

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It was not.

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You know, it was all was good.

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And I was so thankful for that for

the first time, JJ, in my life,

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I loved my body, I love my body.

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And it took that super scary, traumatic

event in my life to get me there.

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Now I had been coaching and I

knew if I want to get fit and lose

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weight, I've got to believe that I'm.

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Worthy and love myself.

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And then it'll happen, but I could not

get there until I got that diagnosis.

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So I'm so happy that you're here

today because I think let's help

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people get there because now that I

love myself, wallah, I'm super fit.

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I'm super healthy.

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I'm the weight that I've

always wanted to be.

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Interesting, isn't it?

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How it took my emotions to

get me to really do the work,

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to really change my life.

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And so when I was listening to

your podcast today, and these

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women were talking about loving

your bodies and feeling good.

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and That hit me.

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And that was a really big aha.

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And I kind of knew that in the back of

my mind that I need it to love myself

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and feel that way to move forward.

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But I love that you're sharing that with

the world and let's help people not have

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to go through a diagnosis to get there.

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JJ Flizanes: Well, that would be

ideal, but you know, there is an

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emotional route to breast cancer that

we can talk about or not talk about.

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Because if you skip over that,

then while you do love your

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body now, and That's great.

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We don't want to ignore how we

manifested cancer in the first place.

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Okay.

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Because that's also emotional.

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It wasn't just some mistake, like

it's in the air and you get it.

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cancer grows in a situation, in a soil.

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So think of it like gardening.

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if you try to plant a lot of

seeds in a certain place in the

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ground and they don't grow well,

it's because the soil isn't good.

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And there's multiple reasons.

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It could be that the sun isn't hitting it.

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It could be that it's lacking nutrients.

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It could be that the wind is too hard

and it blows the soil away and the

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seed can't root itself, whatever.

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Anyway, that's considered a terrain

based approach to cancer or a terrain

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based approach to life, looking at

all the components and parts, because

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you can't it's a longterm process.

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It's not an overnight.

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Someone just doesn't get cancer tomorrow

after last week's exposure to something.

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It takes years.

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It's years and years.

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So looking back at what created this and,

and I'm guessing the episode you listened

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to was about the date your body group

that I just started this year, which

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is kind of combining the emotional work

with the physical work that I've done.

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And of course the course follows similar.

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Protocols that I do in any

small group coaching program.

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they're high touch intense, high level

group programs, which means they have

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access to me and the group and the

content, you know, 24 seven pretty much

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for however long the group goes on.

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But when you said, let's help them get

there without the contrast, sometimes

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that's not possible if we're not looking

at what leads up to having the diagnosis

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of the thing is like the fruit on the

trees, like the fruit that's, that's

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not very good because the roots aren't

good, but we don't know that the roots

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aren't good until the fruit comes out

and we go, Oh, this isn't really good.

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Like it's an indicator.

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And for most people, I mean,

that's why I have a program called

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rewiring your core wound patterns.

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And I created that.

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And I mean, I can teach somebody

what their hormone patterns

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are and create a hormone map.

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But when I hand it to you, the likelihood

is you're not going to do it because we

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are programmed to keep ourselves safe.

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We are programmed to not

stretch beyond our comfort zone.

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And in the comfort zone are where your

habits and patterns and beliefs are.

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So we need to be pushed outside of that.

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And life experience, like getting cancer,

is something that pushes you beyond that.

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Because when you have

to face your mortality.

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All of a sudden, when you

didn't think you had to.

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It is a life experience that

then changes now how you

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approach the rest of your life.

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I just did a workshop called

the embodied healing intensive.

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And we did a lot of body centered

things there and things that weren't

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body centered, but it all came back to,

where do I hold this stress retention?

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In my body, where am I connected?

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Where am I disconnected?

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Where can I sense and feel

and where am I blocked?

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And we looked at the body in that way,

but there's also the next level of, to

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me, if someone wants a really, like if

you're on a spiraling journey and you

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have a diagnosis that you can't get out

from under because the fear is so great

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that you keep yourself in non healing,

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Lesa Koski: then

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JJ Flizanes: I've been using plant

medicine with clients to help them break

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through because again, life experience

teaches information is great and we get

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it all the time and I have podcasts too

and people listen and they go, Oh yeah.

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And they get it and they hear

it, but they don't live it.

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and it's hard to create a

scenario or life experience.

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With again, the tools and the comfort zone

that you live in and the patterns that

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you have and the beliefs that you have,

it's really sometimes challenging to break

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through that because you don't have a tool

and plant medicine becomes a tool that

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can take you on a journey that you aren't

expecting and that you aren't in control

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of, which is exactly what most people need

because we try to control our lives, which

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is such a fallacy and a farce anyway,

because you don't, you want to avoid pain.

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Thank you.

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But pain and it pain doesn't have to

be, it's like pain versus suffering.

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we're going to have pain.

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We're going to have emotional pain.

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We're going to have discomfort, whether

you move through it or repress it is going

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to determine whether you get sick from it

or it's energy in an energy out, just like

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air in an air out or food in and food out.

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Lesa Koski: Can you talk more about that?

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Because when you're talking about pain

and suffering, I get what you're saying.

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and this is something that's new

to me, you know, that, okay, I've

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got to feel these feelings like,

Ooh, this doesn't feel good.

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And so I have learned to become

aware of that and sit with it.

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Cause I don't want to

stuff it down anymore.

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I want to feel it and I

want to be able to move on.

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So, I think I get a little stuck in,

I'm a little stuck there right now

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because I'm like, okay, I feel it.

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Now, what do I do with it?

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let's talk about that.

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JJ Flizanes: And I can do a little, I have

a handout that I often share on a podcast.

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You can't find this on my website

because anyone looking for it

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without understanding how to

use it, it would be useless.

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so I'll give you the link.

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It's jflazanes.

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com forward slash feelings list.

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So feelings with an S feelings list.

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And I'm going to walk through quickly

three, ways to process emotion.

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The first problem is that most

people can't even identify what

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most of their emotions are.

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That's the first problem.

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And so this page has a hundred

different feeling words on it.

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That would be the first step.

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The second would be can

identify where it is in my body.

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Like, where do I feel anger?

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Where do I feel nervousness?

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Where do I feel worry?

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Where do I feel fear?

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When we don't know what

part of our body tells us.

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Now, in Chinese medicine, Chinese

medicine can tell you where you feel,

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you know, lungs are where we hold grief.

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So when someone has a death in the

family, or something they haven't gotten

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over, they'll often get bronchitis,

or they'll be susceptible to colds,

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because we hold grief in the lungs.

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And so if the lung channel's not

cleared, Meaning, let go of the

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emotions, experience them, process

them, have a new interpretation about

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them and a new relationship with them.

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Then you're going to get stuck in this

pool of chi, like energy, body energy,

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where it's being activated all the time.

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So, lungs are grief.

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your liver is anger, your kidneys are

fear, your stomach is worry, your spleen

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is worry, your heart obviously is love.

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But anyway, so these are just

different parts in Chinese medicine

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where the qi in our body, the

energy that flows, it gets stuck.

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And when you have an emotion that you're

not processing, that energy gets pulled.

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In fact, in Chinese medicine,

cancer doesn't exist.

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It's called, stagnant, stagnant

chi, stagnant stuck energy.

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Like, they don't look at a tumor

and say it's a tumor, they say it's

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stagnant energy, it's stagnant chi.

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so there's three steps to this process,

and the first one is to ask yourself

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when you're having a negative emotion,

to stop for a second and identify it.

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Now, if it's super huge,

the trigger's really big.

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You want to feel the feelings.

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So if you have to cry, cry, if you're

angry and you want to scream or hit

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something or break something, that's fine.

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Do it in a controlled manner.

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You know, yell into a pillow, rip

a pillow up, punch something, go

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outside and break something again.

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Don't hurt anybody else while

you're doing this, but There

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are healthy ways to process.

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Anger and emotions.

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And I'll tell you, I'll give you one

more little quick, fact about anger

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for anyone that's out there who deals

with anger, yours or somebody else's.

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anger on the vibrational scale of

emotions is the last place that

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we feel powerful and in control.

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The reason why people swirl in anger is

because anger is not the end of the story.

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it's not the truth of what

you're actually feeling.

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Anger is just where you land.

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Because it feels better.

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Like you, it feels righteous.

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It's usually in a blame way.

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You want to blame somebody else.

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You're mad at somebody,

but the truth under anger.

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So anyone who's angry or has someone

else that's angry, ask the question,

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what am I really afraid of or sad about?

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And I would ask that same

question of someone else who's

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dealing with a lot of anger.

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They're either really sad about something

or have a lot of fear about something.

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But the problem is when we go

underneath anger, people don't like

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to be vulnerable because they feel

like they're going to lose control.

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Well, guess what guys?

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Emotion is about losing control.

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Like you have no control.

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Your control is you're stuffing it.

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And then you're getting sick

because you're stuffing it.

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so anyway, you find out what's

going on underneath the anger.

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But you'd ask yourself, what am I feeling?

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Okay.

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So if you're having an emotion,

experience the emotion.

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and if you're stuck because you've

stuffed them so much and you don't

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know how to express them, then possibly

be with yourself for a few minutes to

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do this exercise and see if you can

connect to where it is in the body.

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So you can let it out.

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All right.

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So number one, what am I feeling?

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Now there's a hundred different feeling

words on this list for a reason under

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mad, there is irritated, So if I say

to you, Lisa, I'm irritated versus

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I'm enraged, what's the difference

between irritated and enraged?

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Lesa Koski: It's a bigger, intensity.

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JJ Flizanes: Yeah.

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It's like, if I'm standing

next to somebody and I said,

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what's going on with you?

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Well, I'm irritated.

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I'm like, Oh, okay.

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If I ask somebody who I'm

standing next to what's going

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on with you, I'm stepping away.

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Lesa Koski: Yeah.

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JJ Flizanes: That's how I'm

reacting to someone who's enraged.

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I'm not going to stand next to them.

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They're enraged.

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I mean, they could lose,

start swinging at any moment.

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so you need to identify correctly.

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The level of intensity of whatever

feeling that you're having, which

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is why you want to hone in on a

couple different feeling words.

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So step two, this is the game changer

for any emotion that you cycle around.

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So if you're constantly having a certain

reaction to people or to a stimulus

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or to a trigger And you're wondering

why you always feel so badly about it

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You're going to look at the needs so

you're going to identify what need is

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not being met or the perception, air

quotes, of a need that's not being met

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I'll give you a quick example on that.

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So in the case of relationships

with love languages, so if your

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partner's love language is acts

of service and yours is touch.

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And you're waiting for them to touch you.

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So I'm going to assume maybe

most of your listeners are

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women, but it doesn't matter.

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It could be either.

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So whatever, whoever your partner

is, if your love language is touch

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and you're, you just keep waiting

for touch and waiting for touch, but

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they keep giving you acts of service.

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Cause that's their love language.

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You might tell yourself a story that

say, don't love me, which is not true.

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So you have a need for connection and

for touch, but you're misinterpreting

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that they, and you're deciding that

this person doesn't love you because

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you're not getting it the way that you

want it, even though they're giving it

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to you, but you're not receiving it.

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So, it's not a question to say,

if I have a need that's not being

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met, it's someone else's problem.

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Lesa Koski: Right.

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JJ Flizanes: understanding that you

have a need that's not being met, and

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it's yours, and we're going to uncover

what it is, because whatever it is, is

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creating this feeling that you're having.

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Most people don't even

know they have needs.

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You have 86 basic human needs.

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Period.

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And this isn't even about, there's nothing

to do with dependent or smart or needy.

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No judgment.

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Needs.

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Every single need on this list

is a human need that every

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person on the planet needs.

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Lesa Koski: Is one of

them controlling things?

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JJ Flizanes: Control is actually not

a need because control isn't real.

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Lesa Koski: I need to look at that

list and see what all those needs are.

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JJ Flizanes: I'll read

some of them to you.

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Okay.

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Okay.

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So, Oh, you want to give me a situation?

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I can diagnose it for you with this, if

there's something that you cycle through.

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Lesa Koski: was, so I was just

thinking of myself and how you

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were talking about control.

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I felt like I was always in

control of my health because I did

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take pretty good care of myself.

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you know, give or take some of it.

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And so when I sit and I think about,

so I know that my relationship

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with God really grew through

this because I had to let it go.

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I had no choice, but to let that go.

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however, it's still swoops in.

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And I think if I can do everything,

you know, I, if I can control this.

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So when I think of, Kind of

the fear of, I don't want this

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to ever happen again, right?

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So that fear of getting sick.

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So I can't control that.

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That's what I feel like my need.

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So what's my need?

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JJ Flizanes: Well, honestly, this is an

interesting conversation to have with you,

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especially with the new God conversation,

because I do this with Anybody with any

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religious strong practice, because I

know so many people, my mother and one of

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them and my ex husband's grandmother who

would be worry all the time about things.

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And I'd say, Hey grandma,

you go to church, right?

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You believe in God.

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Oh yes, I do.

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Lesa Koski: Well,

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JJ Flizanes: don't you

think God has a plan?

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So then let God have the plan.

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It's not up to you.

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Worry is, is a waste of time.

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If you actually believe in

what you believe, then trust

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it, that's the bottom line.

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If you don't trust it, and it's something

nice to think about, what you're probably

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searching for is trust, because you

actually don't trust that either you're

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going to be okay or that if you're

not, it's what's in the divine plan,

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Right.

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And so those things.

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So step two is to figure

out what the needs are.

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And there's probably more that's in

there, because control is not a need.

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You're not going to

find that on this list.

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So step three, step three is, all

right, so after you determine, so

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let's say yours is trust and safety.

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So step three is creating strategies

more than one, two, at least three would

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be best, but two to three strategies

that can help you get your need met.

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And here's the most important

part that doesn't require

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anyone else to be different.

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Lesa Koski: Okay.

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JJ Flizanes: So we can't say,

I need you to, I need him to,

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I need her to, I need them to.

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Lesa Koski: Okay.

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JJ Flizanes: Okay.

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That's victim.

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You have zero control over anybody else.

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The need is a greater need

and your circumstance is just

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mirroring what your need is.

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And it doesn't even mean you have

to leave or change the situation.

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It just means you need

to get your need met.

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I have several examples, but a quick

one is when I was, my last relationship,

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I would go to a family reunion and

it's, in a place where people are

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different than me, like very different.

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And like, I eat very differently.

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I am just different.

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and so the fear of course, is that I'm

not going to get any of my needs met.

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so when I would think about

it, I would feel strangled.

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I'd feel trapped.

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Now, trapped is not a feeling.

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That's an interpretation.

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So what I would feel actually is scared,

frustrated because of the lack of freedom.

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anyway, so I'm scared.

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I'm afraid I'm nervous.

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I'm worried.

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Those are the feelings.

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All right.

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So what's the need?

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Well, the need is for,

I had several needs.

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The first one was for freedom.

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And so when I figured out my need was

for freedom, like to come and go as

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I please, I decided to rent a car.

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Did it cost me more money?

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It absolutely did.

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But did I feel a million times

better knowing I could pick up

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the keys and didn't have to ask

permission from anyone to go anywhere?

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Yes.

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I had a need for sustenance.

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I need for nutrition and health and

I don't like what they were eating.

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So I took that rental car and took myself

to the grocery store and I bought myself

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some food for the week and I put it in the

refrigerator of the place I was staying.

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Okay, check.

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I don't have to eat

what they're providing.

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I am a grown person who

can go buy my own food.

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So don't, you can't blame other people.

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So check that.

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Now, the last need that I uncovered,

was that I'm, I'm, you know,

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Big on connection and depth and

talking and, asking questions.

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I'm curious and they're

not talkers, so I can't.

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So here's a situation where I can't.

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Ask them to be different to make me happy.

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So what I did was I decided to

treat this like a silent camp.

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I'm going to go and connect with myself.

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I'm going to take my journal.

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I'm going to meditate.

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I'm going to listen

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Lesa Koski: and I'm going to keep

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JJ Flizanes: People start talking

to me and like wanting to connect.

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So I attracted what I wanted because I

got my need met myself without putting

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it on them or making it about them.

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So, so these are the three steps.

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Lesa Koski: All right.

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can I ask you, so if mine is trust and

I'm, so I get like trusting myself.

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But help me through this a little bit.

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so I have to come up with three strategies

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JJ Flizanes: to create trust now.

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So for you, I would say it's time

to learn about the other eight parts

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of the terrain that you may not know

about that helped to create the cancer.

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Because if you don't understand

all the factors, then you can't

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look at the behavior or the beliefs

or the patterns that caused this.

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Lesa Koski: I love that you're

saying that because it's so

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timely because I am on a quest.

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I also have come to the conclusion

that the one thing I was really not

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working on was reducing that stress.

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And.

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Being playful and having fun

and community with people.

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Is that what you're talking about?

442

JJ Flizanes: Yes, it's even,

but it's even deeper than that.

443

So yes, genetics, genetics.

444

So here's the thing about genetics, sorry,

in advance, your genetics don't matter.

445

I know that's going to go against

what most people say, because your

446

genetics are, there are the, the

genetics load the gun, but your

447

environment, it pulls the trigger.

448

So epigenetics, which is more

important than genetics, right?

449

Is the, is the expression of your

genes based on your environment.

450

So yes, the stress, but even

identifying what that means to you.

451

So I'll tell you what their

emotional root of breast cancer is.

452

There's a couple.

453

One is one is mother wounds.

454

So whether it be that you didn't want

to be a mother and you were a mother or

455

that you have a negative relationship

with your mother, you didn't get the

456

love that you wanted from your mother.

457

You weren't mothered.

458

So mother is a huge component, whether

it be your mother, And then there's

459

the idea that you've been sucked dry,

overgiving, overgiving to everyone else,

460

putting everyone else in front of you.

461

Lesa Koski: Okay.

462

JJ Flizanes: Right.

463

but that comes from a belief that

you have to prostitute yourself

464

for love or perform for love.

465

Are you right.

466

Okay.

467

But that belief has to change.

468

So understanding that pattern

where that comes from and then

469

how that shows up in your life.

470

Has to change in order for

that not to happen again.

471

Because if that is,

that's what causes stress.

472

And again, stress very easily.

473

If you think about like, even if you're

doing all the right things physically,

474

you're taking the perfect supplements,

you're exercising, you're meditating,

475

whatever you're doing, all the things,

but what's fueling the bubble that is your

476

body is a negative belief or an underlying

negative feeling, which by the way, 88

477

percent of your subconscious is negative.

478

your feelings, like everything that

happened in childhood, all your core

479

wounds, that's 88 percent of what's

embedded in your body, it's not your

480

conscious mind, it's not your conscious

brain, we'd all say, I'd never ask

481

for that, who the heck would ask for

that, why would I want that, nobody

482

would, but what we don't understand,

More recently, in the last six years,

483

I've been working with people with

core wounds because it runs your show.

484

Your core wounds are the beliefs that are

the foundation of every choice you make.

485

And most of us don't know what they are.

486

Lesa Koski: Yep.

487

JJ Flizanes: Because we

don't go exploring them.

488

even if you're in therapy, you're

not even going to know what they are.

489

Cause half the therapists

don't do it either.

490

People have been in therapy 10

years, not changed a darn thing.

491

if I say, what are your

top three core wounds?

492

They have no idea.

493

Most people understand abandonment.

494

And if you don't have to do anything

to know, I feel like I was abandoned,

495

but the rest of the core wounds

need a little bit of work and then

496

understanding how they show up in your

life and then how you keep them alive.

497

Cause that's the other thing.

498

And you can say, well,

my parents abandoned me.

499

All right.

500

So that happened how many years ago?

501

Cool.

502

What are you doing now

to abandon yourself?

503

Because it's about what you

continue to keep alive and active.

504

And until you make those patterns go

away and change them, because you stretch

505

beyond that into a different belief.

506

Which requires you to be uncomfortable.

507

Yeah, actually so to go back to

the initial ask of can we get them

508

there without Cancer or a big thing?

509

That would be great.

510

But the majority of people don't

seek help until they're in pain

511

and even when pain is knocking at

the door they ignore it and it gets

512

bigger and bigger and bigger until

the pain goes and The body goes.

513

Lesa Koski: yeah,

514

JJ Flizanes: to throw the grenade and lay

you out so that you will finally listen

515

Lesa Koski: You know, it's so interesting

too, because what I've been, what's

516

been hitting me recently is what a

people pleaser I am, which is kind

517

of in line with what you're saying.

518

I feel like I'm really

ready to do this work.

519

I feel like I need to have you back on

or sign up to work with you because I am

520

really having fun here and learning a lot.

521

But I think that people pleasing

thing is what I'm noticing

522

right now that needs to heal.

523

I don't quite know how to heal it.

524

JJ Flizanes: So people

pleasing would be on my map.

525

Like what happens when I get triggered?

526

So the top three core wounds are what

usually get triggered the fastest.

527

And then you have an emotion

and you have a reaction.

528

So the people pleasing is the reaction,

but we don't know what the wound is.

529

We have to figure out what the wound is.

530

Lesa Koski: All right.

531

JJ Flizanes: this kind of work

is, I mean, I have a course called

532

the road map to emotional healing.

533

It's a self study course.

534

Anyone can do it and get it and it would

help you get closer to those answers.

535

You could start sort of a basic map.

536

I've since, fine tune this three levels

deeper than I did when I created that

537

course, but it's a place to start

identifying and seeing the patterns.

538

And depending on astrology, like

what your moon sign is, mine is Sag.

539

So when I see something, sometimes

when I just see the pattern,

540

that's all I need to change it.

541

Now, not everyone's like that, which

is why I had to create a course and

542

then put people through more rigorous

things because some people will be

543

completely aware of what the problem

is and never do a darn thing about it.

544

So, and then how they learn,

their learning style is different.

545

And that's important when you're

choosing how to work on something

546

because Generally, you know, there's

a, and there I have another, I have a

547

free talk on my website called the three

reasons why talk therapy is ineffective.

548

It's just a JoJoFlavorsAims.

549

com.

550

So, I mean, it'll be right

there on the homepage.

551

And this isn't for anyone who's in

therapy doing EMDR and hypnosis and

552

tapping and, you know, different kinds

of guided visualizations or whatever.

553

Or even this work that I'm doing,

but it's not, it's not common.

554

It's not common.

555

And so people will think, well, I've

been told that if I have a problem

556

and I need to talk to somebody mental

health, let me go to a therapist.

557

but if all you do is tell the same

story over and over again, month

558

after month and year after year,

you're not learning anything new.

559

You're not changing any perceptions.

560

You're not gathering more information.

561

which then would feel different and also

make different choices because we stay

562

stuck in what we know and we don't learn

anything new because most therapists

563

aren't teaching you things that are new.

564

They're just asking you questions.

565

They're validating your experience.

566

They may be looking to help you

understand it in a different way,

567

but there's no new framework.

568

Lesa Koski: What's

569

JJ Flizanes: going on with

them that made them do this and

570

how it's not about you at all.

571

I had a client in my I attempted to

do, so my rewire is a six month course.

572

It's called rewiring your Corwin

patterns and evolving beyond your story.

573

And I had a gentleman in there who

excelled very quickly because he has

574

that kind of learning style too, where

when I just give him a different version

575

of the story, everything shifted.

576

He went from hate his dad, feeling like

his father never loved him and being an

577

addict because of that and super violent

and angry and depressed and the whole nine

578

yards and he'd gone to his therapist and

he came back and said, okay, so I just

579

had my therapy around anger about my dad.

580

I'm like, what?

581

Tell me the story.

582

And then I went, well, let

me tell you why you're wrong.

583

And then I reinterpreted and I used the

frameworks that I was teaching them.

584

And all of a sudden he went from thinking

his dad never loved him to be able to

585

see clearly through his actions and

behaviors, how his father did love him.

586

And it changed everything.

587

And so now when he looked back,

instead of feeling pain, he felt love.

588

Lesa Koski: Yeah, I love that.

589

Okay.

590

I'm going to take that course And

then before we go, I have to ask

591

you one more question because you

mentioned that when you're naming,

592

you name that feeling, right?

593

And then you think about

where it is in your body.

594

So that you can let it go.

595

How do you let it go?

596

Like you feel it and then

how do you let that go?

597

JJ Flizanes: Well, you could

be present in the pain.

598

So if your chest starts to get tight

or your stomach starts to get tight

599

or your neck and your shoulders start

to get tight, it's being able to

600

stop for a second and breathe into

it and say what's going on for me.

601

This is what I'm feeling.

602

If you can't identify what the

feeling is, you just allow it.

603

So in terms of, if you can identify

what it is, so for instance, if it's

604

an angry feeling, you're probably

not going to have tears and depending

605

on the level of intensity, it might

just be as simple as, well, what need

606

is not being met now, it's causing

me to be really irritated right now.

607

Like, what's the problem?

608

And then you could, at that like

level of intensity, get it solved.

609

Look at the need and

go, what's the problem?

610

Oh, oh.

611

Like, so my first.

612

I don't even know anymore.

613

They kind of got published.

614

There was a whole like switcheroo anyway,

fit to love, fit to love, how to get

615

physically, emotionally, and spiritually

fit to attract love of your life.

616

That book is literally about being

the blueprint to attract you.

617

Because if you don't love and

care for yourself, why would

618

you think anybody else will?

619

but unfortunately we believe.

620

That our need, need to

get met by other people.

621

That's what we've been modeled.

622

Oh, if you want to feel love or

connection, you have to get it from

623

somebody else versus give it to myself.

624

Lesa Koski: Yes.

625

JJ Flizanes: So when we start to

understand that and maybe it makes

626

you sad, so you allow it to, you

know, it's getting to know yourself.

627

It's learning how to be in your

body and not in your head and

628

breathing into what the feeling is.

629

What does that feel like for me?

630

Now you don't have to stay there,

especially if nothing's happening,

631

but you can move through it

to say, well, what's the need?

632

And you can identify my event.

633

I had to pivot law of attraction

said, it's time for you to grow.

634

And I was like, Ooh, not ready, not ready.

635

I'm really comfortable.

636

Nope.

637

Too comfortable.

638

I'm going to make you pivot.

639

And I like lost it.

640

And I usually cry at my events

anyway, but there's usually

641

something that comes up for me.

642

And it did at the end.

643

And I just sort of broken too.

644

And I was like, wow,

645

like on camera to everybody in the room.

646

And it was only yesterday that,

because I let it be, I didn't try to,

647

I didn't try to like fix it or like

I was sort of in the shock of it.

648

And then I was allowing it.

649

And then I got an idea and I

got excited and I got clarity.

650

And then I started to work on it.

651

Like, what is this going to look like now?

652

I need to spend some time.

653

What is this going to look like now?

654

And then I was like, Oh

my God, I'm so excited.

655

This is the best thing ever.

656

but it took a couple

of weeks to get there.

657

It's a pretty big thing.

658

But you know, when someone.

659

I had a friend once when she was

coming to town, she did not have,

660

my love language is quality time.

661

And when I looked at her

itinerary for her trip, she was

662

going to see me once for tea.

663

And then she invited me to like

drive, like go everywhere with her

664

in LA, which I had no desire to do.

665

And I kind of got bummed And I realized

in that moment, I was like, Oh, her

666

love language is not quality time.

667

I just recognize that it made me sad that

if I wanted to spend quality time with

668

her, I was going to have to get in my

car and drive around LA and go meet her

669

at different restaurants and all other

things that she's acting like a tourist.

670

I don't want to do that.

671

I wanted quality time in

my house alone to connect.

672

So, that was a quick

way to feel my feelings.

673

And I might even have cried about it.

674

But then I realized, her love language

is gifts, not access, not quality time.

675

she loves me, this isn't

about her love for me.

676

Hey, can we spend one more

hour together somewhere?

677

Just the two of us?

678

You ask for what you need

679

Lesa Koski: Love that

ask for what you need

680

JJ Flizanes: and it's okay if she

doesn't say yes I mean she was here

681

temporarily, but you know, that's why

I like with companionship like there's

682

a need for companionship You can't turn

to your spouse if your spouse's love

683

language is not quality time and say

I demand You have to be my companion

684

It's like, no, that just indicates that

your love language is quality time.

685

So pick five or six people that you

love to spend time with and put them on

686

your, rotate them through your calendar.

687

Lesa Koski: Yeah.

688

So good.

689

So good.

690

JJ.

691

Okay.

692

This has been so enlightening and I feel

like my head is spinning a little because

693

there's so much more I want to jump into.

694

It's like you've kind of just.

695

and if people want to find

you, is it just your website?

696

That's the best place.

697

Yep.

698

JJFlissAims.

699

com.

700

I mean, my

701

JJ Flizanes: podcast, I got a bunch,

but Spirit, Purpose, and Energy would

702

be where I would send people first.

703

But again, check the homepage

for that Three Reasons Why.

704

Here, there are two classes

on the homepage for you.

705

Three Reasons Why Talk

Therapy is Ineffective.

706

And then The Connection

Between Emotions and Healing.

707

So it's how emotions affect healing

and disease is the second class.

708

Lesa Koski: You have been such a treat.

709

I really, really appreciate you

from the bottom of my heart.

710

It was a fun conversation that

just took me on a journey I didn't

711

even know was coming my way today.

712

So JJ, thank you.

713

JJ Flizanes: Thank you, Lisa.

714

And I applaud your healing continue on.

715

So you can find the trust and the

safety that you need in the knowing

716

of all the different factors that

influence your body's ability to heal.

717

Lesa Koski: Amen.

718

Thank you so much.