I recently overheard a conversation (yeah, there’s no denying it - writers are serial eavesdroppers) - where someone was struggling with a previous verbal commitment they had made.

They'd given their word to someone about something… but then the facts and situation changed, and they were grappling with what to do.

I’m paraphrasing - but they said something like, “I gave my word, but now that relationship and person are really different.”

From what I could grasp, they felt as if they’d kind of been bamboozled.

And since they were a “person of their word” - cue the psychological turmoil and suffering.

I could practically feel the mental wringing of their hands in my own body.

Look, I really do my best not to offer unsolicited advice or coaching to total strangers - so I kept my big mouth shut - but I still thought it was worth talking about with you! 😆

So, on this episode of The Karen Kenney Show, I’m getting into what it really means to give your word, keep your word, and when you absolutely have to 👉 how to break your word.

I share some personal stories from my own life, touch on how repeated broken promises can mess with our nervous system and sense of safety, and why reliability and integrity matter so damn much to us.

We’ll also dive into the tricky territory of when breaking your word might just be the most honest, self-loving, and spiritually aligned thing you can do…

Especially if you find yourself in a harmful or abusive situation.

We’ll walk through how you can do it with as much responsibility, compassion, and integrity as possible.

That way, if or when it’s ever necessary, you can do the most ethical and self-respecting thing - without being a total dick or abandoning what really matters.

If you’ve ever wrestled with a commitment that no longer feels right - but you’re wicked scared of being seen as “bad,” “selfish,” or “unreliable” - this one’s for you. ❤️

KAREN KENNEY BIO:

Karen Kenney is a writer, speaker, podcaster, certified spiritual mentor, and coach.

She’s known for her dynamic storytelling, her sense of humor, her Boston accent, and her no-bullshit approach to spirituality, self​-development, and transformational work.

Karen helps people to navigate this whole “being human” experience using a variety of resources - including practical tools, personal stories, and universal principles.

She's been a yoga teacher for 25+ years, has been a Thai Yoga Massage practitioner since 2008.

She's also a Gateless Writing Instructor, the creator of WRITE CLUB , and the host of The Karen Kenney Show podcast.

She coaches clients individually in her 1-to-1 program: THE QUEST and in her HEART-TO-HEART DAYS using Voxer. She also leads a group program and community called THE NEST.

CONNECT WITH KAREN:

Website: http://karenkenney.com/

Podcast: https://www.karenkenney.com/podcast

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/karenkenneylive/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karenkenneylive/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@KarenKenney

It's the Karen Kenney show. Hey, you guys,

welcome to the Karen Kenney show. I'm wicked excited to be

here today, and in bonus, I'm wearing my Bob Ross Happy Trees,

my Bob Ross Happy Trees red shirt, which makes me so happy.

I love it so much. Oh my god. Okay, and one of the things

about Bob Ross, let's just talk about this, was like Bob Ross.

Not only was he wicked nice to us creatives, to those of us who

are trying to self-express and express ourselves, and he did it

through painting, but he also was demonstrating to us how to

be kind to ourselves, to each other, to Mother Nature, to the

animals, Bob Ross seems like the kind of guy that would, you

know, give his word and keep his word, and that's part about what

we're going to be talking about today, about giving your word,

keeping your word, what that means, but we're also going to

dive into the pot that I think we don't talk about enough,

which is breaking your word, ooh, it's even a little scary to

say that, right? When you break your word, when you say maybe

you're gonna do something, then you don't do it, but we're

gonna, we're gonna get into this. So, let's, let's first

start with what the inspiration for this episode was, so, as you

may or may not know know, and if you're right, if you're a

writer, you probably do know. So, writers, we are notorious

eavesdroppers, you know what I mean. So, our ears, ears, and

our eyes, we're always kind of finely tuned to the world around

us, right? We're always listening and picking up little

snippets of things, things that catch our eye or catch our ear

or catch our curiosity, you know, and so I heard somebody

talking about they had brought up about giving their word, and

they were basically lamenting, they were lamenting about the

fact that they had to break their word, and they were

wrestling with the I'm trying to keep it kind of vague, very to

not give away details, but they were wrestling with the idea of

they said they were going to do a thing, but then things did not

unfold the way that they thought it was going to unfold in this

relationship, or whatever, and so then they found themselves

wanting to, needing to take their word back, like break

their word, and they were struggling and wrestling with

this, and man, man, did I want to write. We, I do my best, I

never, I really, really, really, really try not to do unsolicited

mentoring or coaching or putting my two cents in. If you're

watching this, you can see me scrunching up my face. It's not

always easy when you have the I want to be helpful gene, but

sometimes the best thing you can do is shut your big fucking

mouth. So I hear things, and sometimes you want to, you want

to just, you know, problem solve and be helpful, but you just got

to zip it, because they're total strangers, and they don't want

Miss Nosy Body Busy Pants butting in. Okay, but this got

me thinking about this. Okay, so let's just start with the

basics. I really believe that giving your word and keeping

your word, excuse me, is wicked important? I think it's a super

duper important thing, but again, the thing that doesn't

get addressed often enough is breaking your word. So I can't

wait to get to that part either. But giving your word, when we

think about that, even just like imagine what that looks like if

we were to make that a tangible, like a physical object, to

literally, like I'm cupping my hands, and like I'm extending

them out, like I'm handing you, dear listener, my word, like I'm

giving you my word, it's I think the what the dictionary

basically says is to give your word is to like make a solemn

promise, right, to give a firm guarantee that you're going to

follow through. I think we see this all the time when people

give each other commitment rings, right, or they get one of

those things called engagement ring, right. The engagement ring

is like a promise that, like, oh, we're betrothed now, like,

we're going to get married, and then when you get married, not

only do you get the second ring to, like, lock it in, you get a

lock in, right, the first one, but then you have to get up and

you say your vows, and inevitably, in the vows,

somewhere in our culture, we have this, I think it's in some

way like super sweet and hopeful and beautiful, and on the other

hand kind of naive, right? When we say things like till death do

us part, like I vow to be by your side in sickness and in

health, because we know, we know, look at the divorce rate,

we know that for a lot of people that. Just not going to happen,

right. The divorce rate is pretty high now. Do I think that

a lot of people maybe could? I'm not here to judge other people's

experiences, and, and I think if we took a close magnifying glass

of some things, we would see that some people really beat

feet and quit when things get a little hard. They didn't have

the tools or the capacity to actually work it out and stick

it out, but there are going to be times when breaking your word

and breaking that vow is not only the necessary thing to do,

but it might also be the right thing to do, and again, we're

going to get into that in a minute. Okay, so when we give

our word right, I often say to people, you know, one of the

things that I have in this world is like, you have your name, you

have your voice, right, especially as a creative, as a

writer, whatever, I have my name, I have my voice, I have my

reputation, and I have my word, and those things really, really

matter to me, and I think that when you give your word, right,

what you're basically doing is it's a part of how you, it's

like you're staking your personal integrity, like when

you say, "Okay, I'm going to give you a word. This is a

trustworthiness thing. I'm making a promise of saying

whatever I'm going to say, like, "Yeah, I'll be there on Saturday

to help you move, or "Yeah, in sickness and in health, or I'm

not going to cheat on you, or we're going to go into business

together, we're going to have each other's backs, or whatever.

What we're doing is, and I found this really interesting, because

I looked this up, and it's this part. So, listen up closely for

this one. It's this part of the definition that I think is

what's key to today's conversation. Okay, it says when

you give your word, you're you're essentially staking your

personal integrity and trustworthiness on the promise

you are making. Now this is the pot right here, assuring the

other person that you will follow through no matter what,

and it's that piece right there, the no matter what, that I want

to dive into today, because I imagine that there are some

people out there who think that to break your word should never,

ever, ever, ever happen, and I just don't agree with that. I

think it should be taken very seriously, but we'll get there.

Okay, so when you give your word, this matters not only for

other people, this also matters to you, for your own

self-respect, for your own self-integrity, for your own

self-trust, knowing that you are a person that says what they

mean, means what they say, do what they say they're going to

do, right, to keep your word. There's something I also think

very calming for me. I think about this in relation to people

I have known throughout my life. I really love people, and of

course we do, because the nervous system is constantly

asking, right, like the number one question that your nervous

system is asking all the time in the background with each beat of

your hat. Excuse me. Basically, it's like, am I safe, am I safe,

am I safe? Now we all experience safety differently, but I know

for myself having people around you who are reliable, who do

their best to keep their word, who are consistent, who show up

if they say they're going to show up, they show up on time,

they do what they say they're going to do, right? There's not

a lot of dissonance between what they say and what they actually

do. Like, I find that really nice. Like, my nervous system

goes, ooh, cozy, right? Like, I like that, I'm into that, you

know. And for some of us giving and keeping our word really

matters, but I also understand that for some people in their

household, maybe growing up, the word didn't really matter much,

your word, a person's word, it's like, especially if you have,

like, I think about this all the time, you know, my mother and my

stepfather got, they were separated on and off so many

times throughout their marriage, and there were times when the

word would be given that he was going to come and see us on a

Saturday, or whatever, while they were separated, and like,

he wouldn't come, and he wouldn't show up, and I know so

many kids who are kids of divorced homes, or divorced

parents, who would be like sitting on the porch, sitting on

this, you know, the stairs out front, or looking in the living,

waiting on the living room window, waiting for dad to pull

up, or whatever, whoever had, you know, custody at the time,

the other person waiting for them to come and visit, or keep

their word, or do their time, and they just didn't do it, and

it really, there's something about that that just breaks my

heart of thinking about little kids waiting for their parent to

come, and the parent doesn't show up, you know. It's just

like, oh my god, it just like, oh, so there are people who grew

up in households where they felt that they could not trust

somebody's word. And in turn they may have come to not trust

words at all, like they're just like, yeah, and they were taught

that the meaning of giving your word didn't really mean much, so

they can be a little more what I would call flip floppy or

wishy-washy, or what people will call quote unquote flakes,

right? They, oh yeah, they said they're going to come, they're

not gonna show. We already know they're not gonna show, like

that kind of thing, right? There's always like a 5050

chance that they're gonna.. it's a 5050 chance. It's like a roll

of the dice, like playing craps.. like I don't know,

maybe, maybe it will happen, maybe it won't happen. And for

me, that would just cause me a lot of anxiety, like I know

myself, right, and so for me, because I know how it felt to be

that kid, and I know how it feels to have people around you

who may be in relationships with men or boys, right. Let's be

honest, you know, in the past where just people's word didn't

really mean shit, so for me it actually really matters. I

really do my best. I'm not perfect, obviously, I'm a

friggin human being, but I really do do my best too. If I

say I'm going to do something, I try to do it, and so I think we

can all kind of agree. We like it when people keep their word.

Hopefully, most of us are the kind of people that try to

actually give our word, right. We're not afraid to say yes to

things, we're okay with committing with certain things.

We can give our word, but if we give our word, man, we better

take it seriously and do our best to keep our word. But let's

dive into when, when breaking our word might happen now. When

I go back to the original inspiration for this episode,

the person I overheard talking about this conundrum, this

colossal cluster that they found themselves in. Right here is

when I think that breaking your word is okay, and I want to be

wicked, wicked clear. There are some caveats, and some

footnotes, and some highlight. I had this highlight of this

highlight of pen that I want to highlight, but let me just start

here. I think that if you were, let's just use marriage for an

example. Okay, so I think back to my grandparents, you know,

and back in the day, a lot of people, like, there was no

divorcing, like, back then, right? Like, whether it's you

were a Catholic kid, or like, they were Catholic kids who got

married, or whatever, their religion, or their families, or

their faith, or whatever it was, didn't believe in getting

divorced, and what you ended up with was a bunch of old people

who were just sloshing it out, man. They were just practically

in the ring with each other every single day, constantly

fighting or bickering or eye rolling at each other or

nitpicking at each other, or you could just tell like the

heightened animosity and the lack of respect, just the just

the contempt, right? You could just feel it, like you'd go in

the house and you could just feel the contempt for each

other, or one wouldn't take the other one seriously, and they'd

always talk over the other one, or tell them to shut up, or

they'd start telling the story, and they'd roll their eyes,

like, oh, this bullshit again, right, or whatever, and I would

literally be like, why are you guys still married? It is clear

now. Maybe, like, did they quote unquote quote unquote doing

little air quotes, love each other? I don't know, maybe,

maybe in their own really dysfunctional way, but was it

more that they felt stuck together and they were trying to

make it work, or they needed each other in some

dysfunctional, patterned way, or whatever. I don't know. I'm not,

again, really not here to judge, just sharing kind of what I

witnessed a lot of times, and I would just be like, why, why do

they stay together? I don't think that this situation makes

them better together, but a lot of times they don't, maybe the

person, one of the people, didn't have the means, they

didn't work, or didn't have the means to leave and like afford

their own place, or they didn't want to break up the family.

There's 1001 reasons I get it. Again, not here to be judgment,

judgy pants. And though this is my point, when you go into a

relationship and you take a vow and you say, like, okay, we're

going to do this thing called life, we're going to do this

thing called marriage, we're going to get together, we're

going to build a family, but you do it under the pretenses or the

agreement that you're going to love each other. Now, I think if

one person starts to deviate from that love pot, and I'm

talking about like they start to hit you or abuse you verbally,

verbally, financially, sexually, emotionally, mentally, whatever.

I am not. I was talking with a friend about this yesterday. I'm

not the kind of person that thinks that you just stick it

out because. Because you, in this case, because you gave your

word at the altar, I'm like, if you're putting your hands on me,

if you're like, you know, being really harmful for me, if you're

stealing from me or abusing me, or do, like, you know, the bad

things, the really bad things, you know what I'm saying, it's

like, no bets are off, I know I gave my word at the altar before

you and God, or whoever, whatever, you know, however you

got married, but I just think there are times when it no

longer makes sense, and when I think of this conversation that

person was having, they said, you know, when I'll just give a

little bit, they're basically saying, well, when I got into

the relationship, we agreed that things were going to be like

this, or this is how we were, or here's the other thing. When

somebody presents themselves to be a very particular way, and

then you realize later, oh, I got bamboozled, that's not how

this goes at all, or I didn't realize they were like $300,000

and I'm making things up, right, like $300,000 in debt, and

they're looking at me to like bail them out because I have

excellent credit, or I have whatever. Oh, they said that

they wanted a family and they wanted kids, or they wanted

this, and then they pull the wool over your eyes, like once

they got what they wanted, then they totally are like, like

psycho, and acting totally different, or whatever. I think

there are times that even though you acted in good faith and you

gave your word and you then start to find out that things

are not what they seem, I think you absolutely right have the

have the ability to stop and re question things, and it's I'm

not saying it's an easy decision or a difficult decision, and I'm

definitely not saying, "Oh, just willy nilly your way through

life, and if something becomes inconvenient, you just do it. I

think that keeping your word is wicked important, and I think

breaking your word is no small matter, especially in those

kinds of big things like marriages and relationships,

whatever, but I also think it's completely unfair to think that

we have to stay in a position, in a job, in a relationship, in

a place where you live in an environment that is not

conducive to your mental well-being, to your physical

well-being, etc. etc. I don't think that that makes any sense

either. I don't think I'm like, how is that people, you know,

how is that loving to you, right? Or how is that loving to

children, or whatever, who also might be affected by the

decision. And I understand sometimes people, it's tragic,

they can't figure out a way to leave, and so everybody's kind

of like stuck together in these conditions that are not helpful

or healthy, or whatever, you know, but here's the thing, I

will say, most people I know who keep their word, they're like

word keepers, right? We don't take it lightly when we have to

break our word, so if we say we're going to be somewhere, and

that's why a lot of times, you know, back in the day, you know,

people would say, 'Do you want to do this? and I'd say, 'Yeah,

or I would always like volunteer to be the one who would like

bake the cake, or do the thing, or show up early, or help, help,

help. I was always like really fast to say yes, and to give my

help, and now if somebody invites me to something, unless

I mean, if it's a full body yes, and my calendar is clear, sure,

but I'm like, oh, let me check and get back to you, right,

because I want to make sure that I could actually keep my

commitment. I don't like to give my word and then have to break

my word. Then there are times when you know, especially if

it's something where you're scheduling things, a lot of

times friends will give each other grace, they understand

that, oh, my dog got sick, or my kid needed a thing, and I'm not

talking about that. There can be a little more flexi in and room

and stuff, but when you give your word about big things,

like, oh yeah, I'll make sure I show up for the, you know, for

the event, or for the speech, or for the presentation at work,

and I will be prepared. I'm talking like the big things that

matter, right? You cannot take that shit lightly, especially

when other people are depending on you to be a person of

integrity, to be somebody who's trustworthy and consistent and

reliable, you know. So, I think if you are going to have to

break your word, there's some criteria that we might want to

look at. Okay, so this is what I, this is what I wrote down as

a note to myself. There are times when we will have to break

our word, but when we do so, we take it seriously, and we don't

do it over some trifle little thing or some inconvenience,

like we just wake up and then decide I don't feel like it,

right? As I would say, it's so not soothing, like the thought

about going, of going out in the cold, or whatever, is so not

soothing. It's like, no, we don't break our word about

little inconveniences and trifle things. It's like those are the

times when, even though I'm not a fan, right, I always say. Say,

you know, I made up this phrase where I say I no longer suck it

up and stuff it down, right? I talk about that in my book, but

there are times when you do suck it up, when you do do the hard

thing, when you do show up, even though you don't feel like it,

because it's the right thing to do, and you gave your word, you

know what I'm saying, but if we are going to break our word, if

we're going to do that, we have to understand the seriousness of

doing so, because it is a serious thing, because it does

have, it does have ramification, it does have consequences, it

does sometimes shift how people see you, think of you, and

experience you, and I've worked with people in the past where

they were just so unreliable and so flaky and so inconsistent

that they ended up not only not getting opportunities put their

way, they were let go, they were fired, they like this person is

not going to be able to like this person has consistently

shown that they are not a person of their word, right. You see it

a lot too, like when people will say, I can't tell you how many

times, how many times somebody has said to me, well, they told

me not to say anything, and I told them I'm a vault. They told

I told them their secret is safe with me, as they're telling me

the secret that they just told the other person that they would

never tell. I'm just like, oh my god, you guys, when you give

your word, like, you've got to really take it seriously. Okay,

but here's the thing, when we do have to break our word, these

are some of the things I think it's really important that you

kind of take into consideration. Number one, right, and I

understand. Let me give you an example. Let's say that, so I've

known a lot of people who like do events and do speaking gigs

and stuff like that, everything from like teachers who like show

up at like Kripalu or Omega, or they're supposed to travel

across country, whatever, show up, do a gig, do an event,

right, music or speaking, or whatever the thing is, an author

event, and then something happens, right, whether their

kid gets sick or they break their leg or their mom is dying

or get diagnosed with cancer, like something awful happens,

right? And even with that, you would think that they would just

go into this thinking, like, well, there was nothing I could

do, x, y, and z happen, but they give their word with such

integrity, and it matters to them so much that when it comes

time to talking to the people or the person that you know you're

going to be letting down, the person on the other end of your

promise, the other end who you gave your word to, who they're

still making little cupping things with my hands again, like

you literally gave them your word, and they're holding your

word as if it means something, as if it has weight, as if it

matters. It's like it's gold, right? Oh, this person always

shows up. This person is a person of their word. They have

given you this title, right? Oh my gosh, but now you have to

like make the call, right? You have to let them know, and I

would always say, like, if you can do it in person, great. If

that's impossible, next best thing, call them. If they're a

person who doesn't like to talk on the phone, maybe that's fine.

But then maybe you write them or email them. I mean, I think text

message would probably be last, unless it's something that needs

to be communicated very quickly. But think about how you're going

to deliver this news or this message. Do not take it lightly,

because there's a whole person or groups of people, or a child,

or somebody on the other end of that, the parent, right, that,

that you know, like there's 1000 I can't even think, there's so

many examples of this, but so number one, take it seriously.

Number two, take responsibility for it, even if it's not your

fault, and what I mean by that is, like, is it your fault that

your kid got sick, or your mom got sick, or something happened,

or somebody passed away? No, not your fault, right, quote

unquote, but it is your responsibility that you are

making this decision to now not attend, show up, do the thing

that you said you were going to do. Number three, you got to

understand that the person on the receiving end of this has

the right to be upset, no matter the excuse, even if they can

understand why you might have to do it, even if they're like, of

course, I understand there still might be some residual

disappointment, let down, sadness, feeling bummed, upset,

tears, whatever. And there they have the right to feel that way

and express that. Hopefully, they'll be understanding if it's

something major, like you broke. Down, or you know, you had

surgery, or your flight got canceled three times in a row,

or whatever happens, right? But number one, take it seriously.

Number two, take responsibility. Number three, understand that

delivering this is not going to maybe be so soothing, so not

soothing for the people on the receiving end of this. If you

know before you even call them that maybe there's something you

can do to help eradicate the problem or lessen the blow or

come up with a solution that shows how serious you are about

understanding now their plight, the thing that you have now when

you are taking your word back from them and they're going to

be fucking sitting there empty handed with no speaker or no DJ

or MC or whatever, the again, whatever the thing is, is like

they, you're not going to be able to, you know, come and see

your grandfather before they pass, like it's a big deal,

right? This thing we've taken it seriously, so maybe try to come

up with solutions, like let's say you were supposed to, I

don't know, teach at a yoga festival, and you were going to

lead it, like maybe you come up with like three other names of

people who would be amazing, and you've already talked to those

people in there free, and you have their information, so you

can then say to this person, I know I'm leaving you in a jam,

own it, right, apologize profusely, this is the other

thing. Once you get on the horn, right, deliver it with as much

of a sincere apology as you can, and also try to deliver it with

those solutions, with those names, those phone numbers,

those backups. Now, it's not always going to be possible, I

know this, but if you can do something to lighten their load

and make it not as hard or hash for them, that would be really,

really helpful and important, and also own the consequences of

it, right? Like, really get, like, I know I'm choosing to not

show up, I'm so like, be sincere, take it seriously. It

might sound like this is a lot of work, a lot of you're like,

okay, this is a lot of heavy lifting you're putting on my

lap, but it is no small thing to give your word, and we give our

word seriously and with integrity, and it matters to us,

and so if we have to break our word, we should also do it with

as much seriousness and integrity and honesty and

transparency and owning our shit like an integral human being

would do, like a serious human being would do. You know what I

mean, and you know, I just think it's really, really important in

the way you go about this. Again, we're not canceling for

some trivial little thing, we're not canceling because it's

inconvenient or we don't feel like it or we're in a mood, or

whatever, that is, like, no, that's like, grow up and be a

mature, serious adult, you know what I'm saying. Do what you got

to do, put yourself, your own feelings aside, and do the right

thing. Go to the funeral, show up for the prom pictures,

whatever the thing is, right? If you said you were going to

babysit, or house sit the animal, the dog that, whatever,

the thing, right, the furry kids keep your word, show up, be a

good human being. But again, in those times when it's just not

right anymore, it wouldn't be right to do so. And I'm gonna,

I'm gonna jump off of that in a second as well. But if you do

have to break your word, take it seriously now. I want to go back

to this thing, because I learned about this phrase recently, and

I've been fascinated by it. I don't know enough about it,

because hashtag not a therapist, hashtag not like a trained

mental health counselor, right? I have a lot of information,

I've read a lot of books, I've studied with a lot of people, I

have a bunch of certifications, but I'm still quote hashtag not

a therapist, so I take that very seriously. So I don't want to,

I'm not going to go down some huge rabbit hole with you about

it, but it is, it is related to what we're talking about today,

so going back to that conversation of when you say yes

to something, and then it turns out things are not as they

seemed, right? You're getting a little bit bamboozled, somebody

kind of what they say pulled the wool over your eyes or pulled a

fast one, right, and you find out that things are not as they

seem. Why I think it's okay to go back on your word is that if

you, in an extreme case, and I'm going to explain this word in a

minute, what I'm talking about, in an extreme case, if you were

to, can you continue to do something that really goes

against who you are, what you stand for, your moral code, your

ethics, your values, you could suffer what is called moral

injury, and the people who tend to suffer moral injury a lot in

the world are veterans, soldiers, people like that.

Okay, so when I heard about this word, probably a few months ago,

and I was really fascinated. By it, so there might be times when

to keep your word would be harmful to you, and it would

possibly cause moral injury. Now I also want to keep in the

seriousness of this word. This is not some word that just gets

tossed around, like the word trauma gets so tossed around

these days, just like, oh, that was traumatic for me. I'm like,

no, it wasn't. It was inconvenient. It was

inconvenient, and you didn't like how you felt, but it wasn't

quote unquote traumatic, right? We need to relax with the lingo

sometimes. So, this is what in Psychology Today. This is where

I got this description from Psychology Today, in something

that it was reviewed by a person named Devin Fry, and it says

this. It says moral injury is the social, psychological, and

spiritual harm that arises from a betrayal of one's core values,

such as justice, fairness, and loyalty. Listen to this. This is

fascinating. You guys harming others, whether in military or

civilian life, failing to protect others through error or

in action, and failure to be protected by leaders, especially

in combat, can all wound a person's conscience, leading to

lasting anger, guilt, and shame, and can fundamentally alter

one's worldview and impair the ability to trust others. This is

no small thing. So, here's an example. So, a soldier in the

line of duty might accept the necessity of shooting an enemy

combatant, right? When we go to war, unfortunately, I, yeah, war

is it's very complicated, right? Okay, so a soldier in the line

of duty gets, okay, I'm going to war, I might have to shoot an

enemy combatant, but when, in attempting to, then identify the

assailant, you find a picture of the dead man or dead woman's

children, your sense of the value of the service that you

just supplied to your country, or whatever it might be

shattered, and this is what it says next. A person who grossly

violates what they believe is right might experience

persistent self-criticism, feeling unworthy, unforgivable,

or permanently damaged. Reflecting on the perceived

transgression can fill a person with sorrow and bitterness. So,

if you're forced, it says to make an intense ethical -

intense is the key word here, right? I want people now start

saying you morally injured me. Please don't do that, right? But

anyone who is forced to make intense ethical choices, you can

risk moral injury, and it is your.. it's the circumstance,

not character, that produces a struggle. So, the circumstance..

so this is.. I'll give you an example that I thought of,

because I was like, what could I do? So, here's me, right, an

ethical vegan, somebody who absolutely loves animals, hates

harming any animal. I try not to even kill mosquitoes, you guys.

The one animal, the one creature, and it pains me, is as

crazy as this is going to sound to a lot of people, I don't

like, I flush ticks. I get rid of, like, I don't like ticks. I

hate ticks. They make so many people sick, but I also hate

harming them. I get no joy from it. It makes me really sad. I

understand. I know everybody limes. I get it, and at the same

time, it still harms me, like it hurts me, like it hurts my hat,

right? I'm rubbing my rubbing my hat, okay, but me as a person

who's a total animal lover, if for some reason I was forced

into having to work at a slaughter house or having to do

harm to animals, that for me I'm not joking when I say this would

be like severe moral injury, like I don't think I could,

like, I just.. I just don't know what I think. I would go mad. I

don't think I could handle it, right? You know what I mean. So,

this is what I'm saying. If there's something that is

really, really important to you, and you are forced to do

something that goes against your moral code, so imagine you're a

soldier, and you think you're just doing this patrol

somewhere, or whatever. I'm making this up, right? I've

never been in the armed services, but I known a lot of

veterans, and I've known wounded veterans, wounded not just

physically, but mentally and emotionally, who suffer from

PTSD. And moral injury is same Z's, but slightly different. It

has similar elements to PTSD, but a little bit slightly

different. But imagine you were told, like you are going to

fight this war, and this is what you see in a lot of, in my what

I have learned and gleaned over time, we see it a lot in Vietnam

veterans too, is that you were told that you were going to

fight a war or do a thing for x, y, and z, and then. You find out

it wasn't about that at all, and you feel used, and you feel

broken, and you feel betrayed, and you have all those very

complicated feelings. That's like moral injury. So, for me,

if you gave your word to do something, and then you found

out later that to keep your word and to do that thing that you

told this other person was going to be ethically or morally 100%

against what you believe in. I think breaking your word in that

case is okay too. Again, this is not breaking your word is not

something that I take lightly, and nor do I think you should

take it lightly, but I do know that it is something that is

inevitable, and we are all going to, at some point, have to do

it, and if we're going to have to do it, as serious people, as

spiritual people, as people who try to show up in the world,

doing, leaving people, places, animals, and the environment

better than how we found it, we better have a way to like

discuss it and communicate why we're breaking our word. We know

this is serious. We're going to own it. We're going to

apologize. We're going to da da, but I also don't think it makes

sense to have to live your life with this deep psychological

trauma of being forced to act against your own deeply held

morals or your ethics or your beliefs. I just don't think that

you should transgress against yourself in that deep, deep way,

or to betray yourself, or to betray a group of animals, or a

group of children, or a group of people. Do you know what I'm

saying? Like, if you said to somebody, 'Yeah, I'm going to

keep you safe, I'm going to keep this child safe, or this

whatever safe, and then you're forced to do things that would

be awful. I mean, I don't want to go through.. I could come up

with so many different scenarios where it would be incredibly

traumatizing to do so, but you know you do not want to be left

feeling so much guilt and shame and betrayal and anger, and you

don't want to be stuck in some sort of spiritual or existential

crisis because you gave your word before. Don't keep your

word if it's going to be damaging to you or to others,

you know what I'm saying. So that's where I've kind of landed

on that with the whole moral injury thing, but most of the

time, guys, and this is why you don't want to say yes too

quickly, right? Feel into it. Somebody asked you to make a

commitment or invite you somewhere or ask if you want the

gig or wants to partner with you in business, or partner with you

in life, or whatever the thing is, don't rush into things too

quickly. Take your time, have the hard conversations, talk

about things up front. Well, how do we both feel about money? How

do we both feel about children? How do we both feel about paying

off debt? How do we both feel about where we live? How do we

feel about how we parent like all the important things, right?

Getting into business with somebody. Well, how do we split

the profits? How do we want to spend our time? What are our

core values? What do we stand for? All these things. Let's

just really, really talk about things, because giving your word

really, really is a big deal, and it matters. And so is

breaking your word, and hopefully we don't have to do it

too often, but if we are going to do it, let's do it with

integrity. Let's do it so that we can walk away with

self-respect, and let's have the other people be able to walk

away knowing that it's not something that we take lightly,

and we are a person of integrity, and we are somebody

that does our best to keep our word, but if we're going to

break our word, let's also do it with as much love and compassion

and awareness, self-awareness as possible. All right, you guys, I

hope that was helpful to you in some way. I appreciate you so

much for listening. Thank you so much. I don't know if I already

mentioned it, but we had - we just had our first right club,

and it went fantastic. Oh my god, you guys, I loved it so

much. The people that showed up loved it. We're going to do it

again in June, in person, Saturday, June, I think I wrote

it down somewhere, but it's Saturday, June 27 It's a half

day workshop from 12 to 4pm It's happening at the 11th Letter

Writing Gallery, 146 North Main Street, downtown Collingwood,

New Hampshire. If you want to join us, just go online, it's

just Karen kenney.com/wright Club. It's already live for the

month of June. I will eventually be offering them online as well,

maybe like once a month, maybe eventually down the line, twice

a month, twice a month online, but we're really trying to grow

it in person as well, so that's where we're focusing for at

least the summer, and then those of you who listen in other

states and other places beyond New Hampshire, West Coast, Mid

Coast, Central Time, whatever, you will be invited to the party

at some point. So, thank you for your interest, those of you who

reached out to me. I got several emails, people asking me. I

really appreciate it, and I am going to respond. I just have

not had a second to do so yet. So, just know I haven't

forgotten about you. You're on my list. So, thank you so much,

you guys, for listening. I appreciate you. I love you. I

see you. I hope this episode was helpful to you in some way.

Okay, wherever you go, may you leave. Receive the animals and

the people and yourself and the planet and the environment

better than how you found them. Wherever you go, may you and

your energy and your presence and your love and your word be a

blessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to the show.

I really love spending some time together. Now, if you dig the

show or know someone that could benefit from this episode,

please share it with them and help me to spread the good word

and the love. And if you want to be in the know about all of my

upcoming shenanigans, head on over to Karen kenney.com/sign up

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Bye.