Shownotes
Welcome to my virtual therapy room! I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.
Last week I explored the practicalities for beginning to explore BDSM and Power Exchange. This week I explore basic rules for events and resources for BDSM online and in the community. If you haven’t heard the first four of the BDSM and Power Exchange Series, I suggest you download them. The first two include interviews with Dr Kevin Boileau and cover some of the theory and emotional issues, the third in the series includes an interview with Pharoah Khaf Ra and Empress Nahara who are a lifestyle dominant couple and last week I started with practicalities like figuring out if you are dominant or submissive.
I have talked about getting ready to step out and explore BDSM and power exchange whether you are doing it in private or in public. But many people have no idea where to begin to look to meet people, for events or for clothing and accessories.
First I want to highlight that you don’t need to spend lots of money on special clothing and toys. Most events have a dress code but most of them also will accept scant clothing (as close to nakedness as is legal in that jurisdiction) or being dressed all in black. The dress code is supposed to encourage people to make an effort to get involved, look and feel sexy and to discourage those people who come along to gawk. Gawking is different from watching when you are a proper voyeur. Gawking is when someone comes to watch all the strange people and has no intention of getting involved in any way and when someone doesn’t observe basic courtesy either.
Basic courtesy includes:
Don’t interfere in someone else’s scene. If they are doing something you find interesting, watch from an appropriate distance. That means don’t watch from 2 inches away. I was once involved in a scene with a woman where I was performing oral sex on her and a man came and sat so close too watch that his face was almost between my mouth and her pussy. He was told very firmly to move away. When people are using floggers, whips and canes if you get within the circle of the stroke you will get injured and really annoy the person who is doing the beating. Also, when people are in a scene, it creates a bubble and they are likely to be unaware of the outside world. When someone blunders in, they break the bubble and the distraction can ruin the entire scene because it interrupts the energy flow. Energy builds in a scene to a peak just like it does in sex when it builds to orgasm.
No means no. Just because someone is at a public event does not mean they are there to play with everyone. If someone says no, please respect it.
Observe protocols. Even if you find it strange to have to ask someone’s Master or Mistress to talk with them, please follow their protocols. It is a means of demonstrating respect. You can ask about reasons or the origins of the protocol but ultimately following it is the best way to show respect.
Don’t spend time talking or asking questions in active areas of play. This disrupts the energy and disrupts the scene. There are usually conversation areas and people are usually happy to answer questions after the scene. Remember that after care is part of the scene.
Don’t make assumptions about role, gender, sexuality, sexual orientation. Ask instead of assuming.
Where to meet people online:
There are lots of resources to meet people online. Fetlife.com is a social media site for people who like fetishes including BDSM and power exchange. There are lots of different groups once you have joined. You can join a group for events near your location to find out who might be close by. You make a profile and people can search profiles in a number of ways, send emails and reach out to you via the groups you join.
OK Cupid! has a large number of people who enjoy kink and BDSM. You make a profile there in the same way you would on any other dating site.
Facebook: There are lots of BDSM and power exchange related Facebook groups. Some are secret. Others are just private. Check group rules to see if looking to meet people is OK.
Fester.com is relatively new and apparently most folk are 30 or under.
Collarspace.com is mostly for hook ups. Reviews are very mixed.
BDSM.com is a space for talking about things as well as hooking up.
Chained.org is site for meeting folks.
Where to meet people offline besides events and parties:
Going to a local munch is a great way to meet people in your area. Munches are usually held monthly in a restaurant or pub. People come dressed in normal clothing and are usually welcoming to newcomers. You can find munches listed on places like FetLife.com.
There are fetish markets in many cities. London, UK has one every month. There are lots of items for sale, usually short presentations and stage shows and lots of space to mingle and meet folk. There is also usually a play party afterwards and the ticket prices are reasonable.
Finding toys and supplies:
For bondage using rope:
There are lots of online sites. I recommend checking out
This is the best site for different types of rope, rope care, how to videos etc.
Excellent UK site for rope, tutorial DVDs.
If you want to learn to make your own tools and toys:
Check out the blogs on Kinkly.com
For floggers, whips, restraints:
http://www.whipsbywolf.com/handmade-leather-floggers/
For gay men – hard core toys
https://www.regulation-london.com
Get recommendations from people you meet at events.
Of course you need not spend much money at all. There are many ‘pervertables’ in most homes. A pervertable is something that is ordinary that you can turn to a kinky purpose.
For example: Belts are extremely pervertable to use for a beating. You can use wooden spoons (ouch!), spatulas. Lots of things in the kitchen are pervertable.
For restraints you can use ties, belts, scarves.
For blindfolds – ties, scarves.
It’s easy to go wild and spend a fortune on beautiful toys and restraints and then rarely use them. I recommend starting with pervertables and then making the purchase of any tools or toys something that you do with lots of thought. Pick out one or two special pieces.
Clothing
Fetish clothing varies depending upon your interests and roles. Leather can be used for a variety of things. Some people love the feel, touch and smell of leather. There is also the leather lifestyle. People who identify as part of the leather lifestyle are engaged in power exchange relationships (often Master/slave or Mistress/slave) and follow certain codes. Most codes include honor, honesty, respect) and most observe a variety of rituals. Leather for these people is not only sexy and hot but is earned and a means of recognising service. Some people like the feel of rubber or latex.
For latex clothing:
https://www.atsukokudo.com/Home/
For leather:
http://www.fetishwear.com/Welcome.htm
Good informational sites
Jack Rinella’s Leather Views – leatherviews.com
Jack Rinella is a free lance author and leather man. He has written a number of well respected books on various aspects of leather and BDSM.
Race Bannon’s site : bannon.com Race Bannon along with Guy Baldwin, MS co-founded Kink Aware Professionals which is a list of helping professionals and legal professionals who are kink aware. He has spoken at over 400 events, is a founder and board member of a number of leather associations.
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom http://ncsfreedom.org
Planet Midori http://www.planetmidori.com She is a most amazing person and author who has expertise in bondage and power exchange.
Society of Janus is San Francisco based and is an organisation that offers BDSM education and support. https://soj.org
Carter Johnson Leather Library http://leatherlibrary.org
An amazing collection of leather history, reading materials covering kink, BDSM, LGBTQ.
Leather Archives and Museum Incredible collection also ‘dedicated to compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather, kink and fetish lifestyles.’ http://www.leatherarchives.org
http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgs.html
They keep listings for BDSM and power exchange groups
Exploration is designed to be fun. It is more likely to be so if you remember some basic rules.
Keep yourself safe New things are really exciting and this stuff can be even more exciting than most new things. Don’t let the excitement make you forget our basic safety rules. If you have just met someone online, don’t give them too much personal information. If you are arranging to meet for the first time, do it in a public place and let people know where you are going. If you feel something is off, trust your gut and leave. Don’t talk yourself out of trusting your gut because you think you need to give people second chances. Don’t meet people at your home and don’t go to their home alone until you are sure that they are safe. Avoid taking recreational drugs. Making clear choices is important when you are playing in areas that are risky. Keep your head clear so you will make good choices. Limit your alcohol consumption for the same reason. I choose not to drink and play and I prefer to play with people who are sober.
Pace yourself. Don’t try to do everything at once. Take your time and savour the experience. Give yourself the space to process your experience afterwards and make sure you have support for when you need it.
Remember your social skills. Use your best social skills – be polite, friendly, listen lots. Sometimes people get so excited they forget!
Understand consent and apply it properly. Don’t touch anyone without getting consent first. This includes spontaneous hugs, putting your hand on someone’s shoulder. Understand that people in this world can have different protocols. Some are very strict. Don’t assume that everyone will engage with you. Some people may not be free to do so. Don’t speak to someone else’s partner without checking first. If you can’t check and you don’t get a response, don’t assume the person is being rude. They may not be allowed to talk with anyone. Think of it like meeting a monk or nun who is under a vow of silence.
Take the time to learn how to do things properly. Many activities that you will engage in if you are exploring BDSM and power exchange will involve an increased level of risk. If you don’t learn how to do things properly, you have a high risk of injuring yourself or someone else. There are two acronyms regularly used by people who engage in BDSM to describe risk. The first is Safe, Sane and Consensual. People who work to this protocol do things in the safest way possible, they don’t take short-cuts and highlight consent. The second is Risk Aware Consensual Kink. These folks highlight the fact that all activities have risk and that you must be aware of the risk level of things you are choosing to engage in. They also highlight consent.
Finally, maximise enjoyment. Do everything you can to raise the probability that you will have a brilliant time.
Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now! If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe! The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources. Join me next week when I will be starting a series on sex toys.