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Redefining Education with guest Dana Kaplan
Episode 2916th February 2022 • The 6570 Family Project • Nellie Harden
00:00:00 00:47:04

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This conversation transcends the walls between family and educational life and will move you to look at your children, family, and self in a different, more loving, and accepting way.  Dana is truly a gem of wisdom when it comes to illuminating the should’s vs. the is’s and finding the beauty in them.  Listen and share this unique discussion on the importance of emotional intelligence in our educational mindset. 

About the Guest: 

Dana is an award-winning Early Childhood and Gifted Educator and Social-Emotional Intelligence expert, pioneering DEIAB in action from the womb throughout life’s journey. From preparing parents how to reframe their inner dialogue while pregnant to facilitating and planning all critical assessments in early academic years, to richly interactive professional development for children and adults, my expertise invites me into all areas.

Dana leads through the lens of curiosity, providing a safe and accessible space for all to gather. With intentional wonder, Dana organically propels learners and families with highly effective communication skills for critical and possibly uncomfortable conversations. Through 1:1 private sessions, parent and youth workshops, professional development, and speaking engagements, Dana’s niche approach to coaching and facilitating unleashes vulnerability, invites self-acceptance, increases confidence, and fosters self-compassion.

About the Host: 

Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor.  

Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live.  

Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world. 

She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, sets their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!

With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.

 

(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior, and Psychology. )  

 

LINKS:

6570 Family Challenge- https://www.nellieharden.com/challenge

Website- https://www.nellieharden.com

Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/    

Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/


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Transcripts

Nellie Harden:

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project

Nellie Harden:

podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the

Nellie Harden:

way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground

Nellie Harden:

for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,

Nellie Harden:

strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the

Nellie Harden:

tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into

Nellie Harden:

the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as

Nellie Harden:

parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the

Nellie Harden:

family and individuals of the world. My name is Nellie Hardin,

Nellie Harden:

big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front

Nellie Harden:

porch mama who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and

Nellie Harden:

minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline

Nellie Harden:

and leadership that elevates the family experience and sets the

Nellie Harden:

kids up with a rock solid foundation they can launch their

Nellie Harden:

life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570

Nellie Harden:

family project. Let's go welcome back to another episode of the

Nellie Harden:

6570 family project podcast you guys. Wow Have I got a treat for

Nellie Harden:

you today. Deena Kaplan. This interview that I am about to

Nellie Harden:

share with you was so moving and captivating to me bringing

Nellie Harden:

emotional intelligence into the educational mindset and space of

Nellie Harden:

our families and our children. Dana is an award winning early

Nellie Harden:

childhood and gifted educator and social emotional

Nellie Harden:

intelligence expert, pioneering the D Ay ay ay b in action from

Nellie Harden:

the womb throughout life's journey from preparing parents

Nellie Harden:

how to reframe their inner dialogue, even while pregnant,

Nellie Harden:

to facilitating and planning all critical assessments in those

Nellie Harden:

early academic years. Richly interactive professional

Nellie Harden:

development for children and adults. And it really the her

Nellie Harden:

work goes into all areas she leads through the lens of

Nellie Harden:

curiosity, providing a safe and accessible space for all

Nellie Harden:

together with intentional wonder love that Dana organically

Nellie Harden:

propels learners and families with highly effective

Nellie Harden:

communication skills for critical and possibly

Nellie Harden:

uncomfortable conversations. How many of those do we have to have

Nellie Harden:

as parents just had three of them yesterday, right, we have

Nellie Harden:

to and one this morning, we always have to have those and we

Nellie Harden:

need the skills to do that. She works in facilitating and

Nellie Harden:

unleashing vulnerability, inviting self acceptance,

Nellie Harden:

increasing confidence and fostering self compassion. This

Nellie Harden:

conversation is going to be one of those small pivots that you

Nellie Harden:

actually have in life. I know it was for me, I can't wait for you

Nellie Harden:

to listen to it. Let's go ahead and get started. Okay, you guys,

Nellie Harden:

I'm so excited, as you have heard all of the amazing things

Nellie Harden:

about our speaker today. And she is coming to us, Dina Kaplan,

Nellie Harden:

I'm so excited to have you here first and foremost,

Dana Kaplan:

at so much for having me, I love when we can

Dana Kaplan:

find communities that want to thrive together. And so thank

Dana Kaplan:

you for creating one. Oh, thank

Nellie Harden:

you. Um, so I want to just jump into it today,

Nellie Harden:

because I owe you guys. Even before we pressed record today,

Nellie Harden:

we have been talking and chatting. And we're like, oh, we

Nellie Harden:

should actually record something here. So much gold and so great.

Nellie Harden:

What we're going back and forth with and so I want to jump into

Nellie Harden:

it because we have a lot to cover today. And tell me a

Nellie Harden:

little bit i You're obviously an educational and emotional

Nellie Harden:

intelligence leader to families, to communities, and I want to

Nellie Harden:

know how that all came to be and where did that come from in your

Nellie Harden:

life.

Unknown:

So I I've always been a trailblazer in everything that

Unknown:

I've done, I've never fit into a box. And for many times in my

Unknown:

life, I thought there was something quote unquote wrong

Unknown:

with me because I was thinking so far ahead of the game, but

Unknown:

like not able sometimes to put words to it, to put like the

Unknown:

language around it. So when I am from the Deep South, and I have

Unknown:

recently been seeing the impact of keeping quiet about things

Unknown:

that happen in your life. And so I over the past couple of years,

Unknown:

have really especially during the pandemic and especially

Unknown:

around the reality that we have to be open and vulnerable and

Unknown:

honest with people about our own journeys in order for them to

Unknown:

know they're not alone. So I started telling people about my

Unknown:

childhood and I am from the Deep South. I'm from Columbus,

Unknown:

Georgia, and I am Jewish. And I'm white. And so, you know, you

Unknown:

see the white privilege, but you don't know, unless you ask me

Unknown:

what happened. And I experienced a lot of anti semitism and

Unknown:

racism and bigotry, and it was very hurtful. And, and I had no

Unknown:

one to talk to about it. I didn't even know how to talk

Unknown:

about it. And I felt like school needed to do more for me. And I

Unknown:

felt like school needed to be a safer place for me and I also

Unknown:

in the meantime, so here it is, I'm dealing with these

Unknown:

emotional, like, uncomfortable, like scenarios that I don't even

Unknown:

know what to do about. Right. So

Unknown:

that's on the one hand, and then on the other hand, my learning,

Unknown:

I learned differently, but we didn't know that right? We I was

Unknown:

never tested, there was nothing going on. But you know, in a

Unknown:

traditional setting, I am the teacher, I tell you what you

Unknown:

have to do. I tell you how you learn, go for it. But that's not

Unknown:

real. That's not reality. And so as an educator, I decided to

Unknown:

become an educator, because I wanted to change things I want

Unknown:

to not that it was broken. It's what we knew. But I wanted to

Unknown:

come in and see what would happen if we did something

Unknown:

different. Because everyone's trying to consistently come in

Unknown:

and fix. There's nothing to fix. We don't even know what to fix.

Unknown:

We don't even know what it is until we stop and look at and

Unknown:

ask questions. And we're not asking questions. So let me just

Unknown:

come in. But what I did though, was because I was so curious

Unknown:

about my own learning is so curious about my own emotional

Unknown:

awareness that I realized that it is the foundation for

Unknown:

everything and everyone that I work with. So when I went into

Unknown:

education, and kindergarten is my heart and soul and I, I

Unknown:

taught kindergarten, okay, and then I've also taught all the

Unknown:

way up to postgraduate students. Everything I do starts with

Unknown:

emotional intelligence. It starts with who am I? What do I

Unknown:

think about myself? How do I feel about myself? What do I see

Unknown:

in myself, right, and there's so many components, essential

Unknown:

ingredients, to actually learning about who you are. And

Unknown:

that self awareness is what propels you in your learning,

Unknown:

which propels you and your socialization. It propels you,

Unknown:

in all spaces of places and schools. We're not doing that

Unknown:

beforehand. And so when I went into my first year of teaching,

Unknown:

it was all about building a community, it was holding a

Unknown:

space where everyone felt like they belonged. And I'm using

Unknown:

words that are now catchphrases, belonging, accessing, included,

Unknown:

right, and here it is, now we have an actual acronym for it.

Unknown:

But it 23 I'm coming in saying, using these words, in already

Unknown:

knowing how important they were. And now, fast forward 20 years

Unknown:

into teaching, and now we are still missing the mark. Because

Unknown:

now we have to have an actual acronym for it, we actually have

Unknown:

to have programs for what's still not happening and the

Unknown:

programs that are being followed. So for me to go into

Unknown:

education, it was bigger than what I ever imagined. And it was

Unknown:

more about the child's development of the child

Unknown:

thriving and removing labels and limits from children, then than

Unknown:

anything. And what I discovered is that I went from being what I

Unknown:

thought, a class, a lifelong classroom teacher to a retired

Unknown:

classroom teacher and a lifelong educator in the world. Because

Unknown:

ultimately, we have to create a space for kids to be able to

Unknown:

feel like they can access material, access spaces, feel

Unknown:

included, feel like there's an equity going on, where they can

Unknown:

use their voice and ask for what they need for that rich sense of

Unknown:

belonging, because we live in a very diverse world. But that's

Unknown:

not going to do anything for us if you don't know how to get

Unknown:

into the game. So that that's where I am today and the

Unknown:

passions and the purpose behind my work.

Nellie Harden:

Wow. Now, your own family that you that you

Nellie Harden:

have, how has that I'm just so curious, because I know in my

Nellie Harden:

own journey, as I have gone from, you know, where I was,

Nellie Harden:

and, you know, science and studying whales, you know, where

Nellie Harden:

I was then and then where I went, and then I've been

Nellie Harden:

studying human humans. Well, I studied them before, but really

Nellie Harden:

working with humanity in in families, especially for the

Nellie Harden:

last 1015 years. And when in my own family and our own home.

Nellie Harden:

It's just been this evolution of things like I don't recognize

Nellie Harden:

the mother that I was to my two year old as the mother than I am

Nellie Harden:

to my 16 year old today, you know, and it's just so so funny

Nellie Harden:

to see that. Ironic I guess is a better is a better word there

Nellie Harden:

but how has all of this really shaped your experience, how has

Nellie Harden:

it shaped your family experience?

Unknown:

It is actually been I love that question. So thank

Unknown:

you. It's been really interesting. So my parents. So

Unknown:

what you see is an award winning educator that made massive

Unknown:

impact in Atlanta, Georgia, and then made NASA back to New York

Unknown:

City. But that classroom teacher was only talking about feeling

Unknown:

anxious at times, or having testing xiety, or, you know,

Unknown:

talking about my learning, I wasn't actually talking about my

Unknown:

emotional state that I was in as a child, right. I did talk about

Unknown:

my learning as a child, but I didn't talk about how I actually

Unknown:

felt about myself. And so since leaving the classroom, since

Unknown:

really diving deep into the work that I know that I'm here for,

Unknown:

it has been an interesting conversation around that, right.

Unknown:

I mean, I did a podcast the other day, and my mom texted me

Unknown:

and she goes, really good job. I just really hope you don't think

Unknown:

we look at you as a misfit. And I'm like, maybe you do, maybe

Unknown:

you don't. It's not about how you look at me. It's how I feel.

Unknown:

And so we had this whole conversation about it

Unknown:

afterwards. And I'm excited for her to hear this podcast as

Unknown:

well. Because, you know, the more we can have conversations,

Unknown:

whether or not they're easy, whether or not they're

Unknown:

comfortable, whether or not they're vulnerable, whether or

Unknown:

not they're cut and dry. It is so critical to ask questions and

Unknown:

to be curious, because I know my mom does not want me to feel

Unknown:

like I don't belong. But at the same time, that's not her job

Unknown:

anymore. It's not my job to make sure I feel like I've lost How

Unknown:

am I feeling in my body? Am I doing what drives my passion? Am

Unknown:

I doing what I love. And because I didn't have those kinds of

Unknown:

conversations with other people with certain people in my life

Unknown:

growing up, they're now hearing about it now. And then the more

Unknown:

we actually are open to having the conversations, to diving

Unknown:

into the spaces that were scary for us, the richer our

Unknown:

connections can be. The rich connection is that my

Unknown:

relationship with my parents has grown Excellent. Like siblings,

Unknown:

tonight, it's exponential, like the, they used to think that I

Unknown:

was just this whimsical person coming up with all these ideas

Unknown:

and floating around and taking kids on field trips and doing

Unknown:

you know, rapid fire all these like things, but I helped my

Unknown:

older brother during the COVID with his kids, and they saw me

Unknown:

in action working and they're like, oh my god, now we gotta

Unknown:

have a structure in place. You do the structure, we follow what

Unknown:

you say, the world changes. And it's not that I have a magic

Unknown:

wand, it's that we are so quick to bypass the emotional state,

Unknown:

we're so quick to bypass the critical piece of our life to

Unknown:

get to the end shiny object, that the shiny objects means

Unknown:

nothing, right. And so that is the impact. And I am grateful

Unknown:

every day, because I get to actually show up and be my

Unknown:

authentic self. And I don't apologize for it anyway.

Nellie Harden:

So powerful to not have to apologize for that

Nellie Harden:

or not feel like you are holding back anything that you're having

Nellie Harden:

there. And I also love which is a great transition, you said

Nellie Harden:

it's not my mom's job anymore to help myself feel belonging,

Nellie Harden:

which means also at some point it was right it was our parents

Nellie Harden:

job at some point to help us feel like we had a safe place to

Nellie Harden:

go. We had a place that we belonged. And then there's this

Nellie Harden:

transition this this childhood to adulthood phase and when I'm

Nellie Harden:

working with families in the 6570 those 6570 days that were

Nellie Harden:

that your child is at home around you know, we don't kick

Nellie Harden:

them out on you know, the day after but you know, it is during

Nellie Harden:

that time that we are handing them over and so what I find so

Nellie Harden:

critical is that there is that transfer of power if you will

Nellie Harden:

power over yourself. And if you don't teach them how to do it at

Nellie Harden:

home, then on you know that next day when they're out of the

Nellie Harden:

house, they're gonna be like, well, this is mom's job to make

Nellie Harden:

me feel belonging and Mom and Dad Mom and Dad aren't here. And

Nellie Harden:

so therefore I don't feel belonging therefore I am lost

Nellie Harden:

and everything and I I find that so interesting because a lot of

Nellie Harden:

people are are a lot of families today and I think we're kind of

Nellie Harden:

indoctrinated into this like you are there everything until you

Nellie Harden:

they leave. But then there's no teaching there. There's no

Nellie Harden:

teaching of how they can live independently on their own and

Nellie Harden:

be in charge of that emotional side of themselves. And I 100%

Nellie Harden:

agree that your emotional state, your emotional intellect of

Nellie Harden:

yourself, and also those around you, and what is what is

Nellie Harden:

happening around you, is so much more important than the A on the

Nellie Harden:

test or the you know, I don't know, football trophy, or

Nellie Harden:

whatever that is. And you'll get there and in such a better way,

Nellie Harden:

if you have these precursors here. So, okay, so let's break

Nellie Harden:

into this a little bit. We were, we were chatting a little bit

Nellie Harden:

about homeschooling before, as many of our listeners know, I

Nellie Harden:

homeschool three of my kids still I homeschooled all four of

Nellie Harden:

them for four years. And then I've homeschooled three of them

Nellie Harden:

for the last three years. Two and a half, I guess. And so with

Nellie Harden:

COVID happening and all of us i When COVID started going down

Nellie Harden:

March 13 2020, the world shut down. And then my email box,

Nellie Harden:

what are in my my text and all my DMs were flooded, because

Nellie Harden:

they knew that people knew that I homeschooled already. And they

Nellie Harden:

were like, What in the world do I do? Right? But it was so

Nellie Harden:

interesting to me, because what I wanted to do was teach people

Nellie Harden:

how to teach their kids. But most of the questions I was

Nellie Harden:

getting were what curriculum should I use? What computer do I

Nellie Harden:

need, right? It was all the logistics. And that lasted not

Nellie Harden:

just a week or two weeks that lasted for like a year after

Nellie Harden:

that. And so even a year end people were still asking

Nellie Harden:

logistics like let me just check the box. Instead of Wait, how do

Nellie Harden:

I actually have success in doing this. So I would just love to

Nellie Harden:

know kind of your perspective and your thoughts on all of this

Nellie Harden:

with helping our kids with emotional intelligence, in

Nellie Harden:

education inside outside of homeschooling, and therefore

Nellie Harden:

take it away.

Unknown:

So you know, I think it's really important that we

Unknown:

talk about homeschooling. So just a little background on me.

Unknown:

Speaking of March 13 2020, I had actually, so I launched

Unknown:

developing empathetic education with Dana, it stands for deed,

Unknown:

because I believe we're always doing deeds in the world. And I

Unknown:

launched it and I was supposed to have my first in person

Unknown:

workshop that following Tuesday, so the world shuts down on the

Unknown:

13th. And my workshops will start on Tuesday. So and to give

Unknown:

you a little bit of background when I was in the classroom, I

Unknown:

believed that we learn in every facet of the world. So it's,

Unknown:

it's in parts, it's in museums, and you know, in coliseums it is

Unknown:

in the the the big orchestra play room. Like it's just it's

Unknown:

everywhere we learn everywhere. Yes. And if we keep kids in a

Unknown:

box, then they will be too scared to get out of that box.

Unknown:

Yeah, so my whole philosophy on teaching is really truly what

Unknown:

the homeschooling premise is supposed to be. So let me just

Unknown:

stop there. That is why I love the homeschooling philosophy

Unknown:

because it's about real world experiences. Ie my once my kids

Unknown:

understood how to make Base 10 in kindergarten, we would then

Unknown:

start going to the grocery store and buying snacks because I

Unknown:

wanted them to start understanding Well 10 is really

Unknown:

a dime two nickels is 10 five pennies and a five right you're

Unknown:

working with real tangible experiences so kids can

Unknown:

understand the real life benefit behind it. Which is again what

Unknown:

homeschooling is supposed to be COVID hits everything takes a

Unknown:

turn I'm now this whole vision that I have is not going to go

Unknown:

online I've taught online before through facetime when I'm in

Unknown:

town or out of town or what have you and so this is nothing new

Unknown:

for me. Zoom was made for me and leading workshops wasn't for me,

Unknown:

building relationships and connections is my gift is my

Unknown:

gift. So this was not a strain on me. What was very interesting

Unknown:

though, was how quick the idea of oh my god, I have to

Unknown:

homeschool my parent my kids now and actually and I it was almost

Unknown:

a 40 and slip when I said parents because the parents were

Unknown:

also having to school themselves on Oh my god. What am I supposed

Unknown:

to do now? Right? So here it is. The world is trying to figure

Unknown:

out this online system. We have so much uncertainty going on in

Unknown:

the world. If you buy something else another curriculum another

Unknown:

MacBook another fill in the blank. At least I have the

Unknown:

materials right like so I understand why everyone was

Unknown:

asking you all the logistics behind it. What the core problem

Unknown:

though was, it's not about having more materials. And it's

Unknown:

not about having the latest technology, it's about really

Unknown:

understanding your child as a learner. And that has been the

Unknown:

most critical conversation that I've had with every single

Unknown:

person that I've ever supported, partnered with in the

Unknown:

homeschooling industry. And similar to what we were talking

Unknown:

about earlier, if you're, if you don't know, your child is the

Unknown:

whole being, and you only see your child as the academic, or

Unknown:

the emotional state, or the, you know, like it just various

Unknown:

compartments, and I'm not putting a label or limit on it,

Unknown:

I'm actually just stating, if I only know my child in the

Unknown:

academic arena, and I know they really, they picked up reading

Unknown:

really early on, they understand numbers really early, that's

Unknown:

amazing. But hold on a second, I'm going to keep nourishing

Unknown:

that area that I know they're so unbelievably strong in, which

Unknown:

means their deficits are serious deficits, their emotional well

Unknown:

being their social welfare being their ability to regulate their

Unknown:

awareness of their self, none of that is worked on. So now you

Unknown:

have this robotic human coming in arriving intellectually. And

Unknown:

I'm going to use the word failure intentionally because if

Unknown:

you don't try, you fail. So you are failing, because you're not

Unknown:

even trying to do anything in the areas that need to be fed.

Unknown:

So that is the problem that I see with a homeschooling

Unknown:

scenario. They have to be emotionally fed, they have to be

Unknown:

socially fed, they have to be intellectually fed, they have to

Unknown:

be physically fed, like they have. And when I say physically,

Unknown:

but it's not just the food is they have to be running around

Unknown:

and moving their body. It's a holistic approach to learning.

Unknown:

And that is the piece that we have to remember, because

Unknown:

homeschooling is not about another curriculum.

Unknown:

It's about Hold on a second. My child is struggling holding a

Unknown:

pencil. Am I paying attention to that? Am I paying attention to

Unknown:

the fact that my child is struggling holding a pencil? Am

Unknown:

I asking someone to help me? Am I seeking out supports for my

Unknown:

child? am I seeking out support to myself so I can help my

Unknown:

child? Or am I saying, Here's a crayon, it's thicker, just use

Unknown:

that. Here's a marker, use that instead, or just confused a

Unknown:

computer, or just type, you're just not talking to a recorder,

Unknown:

you don't need to type out your essay, you don't need to write

Unknown:

your essay, where are we putting band aids? Instead of

Unknown:

supporting? Where are we digging into the realities of what's

Unknown:

really needed? Are we really scared to do the work? In order

Unknown:

to make sure our kids decide? Are we doing what's easier for

Unknown:

us? Because now I'm validated my my kids thriving, quote,

Unknown:

unquote, my kids behaving quote, unquote. So my kids thriving,

Unknown:

and everyone is validated. But at the end of the day, there's

Unknown:

no validation. Because can your kid go outside and be

Unknown:

independent, and your child go introduce themselves to a new

Unknown:

person on the playground? Or even just go play with someone

Unknown:

on the playground that they don't know? Can your child go in

Unknown:

to a college interview and talk about their passions and

Unknown:

purpose? Without you sitting next to them? Can your child

Unknown:

actually go off to college and not make all A's because they

Unknown:

are committed to doing the uncomfortable, which means going

Unknown:

to a party, or going to lunch with a friend or going to a club

Unknown:

meeting that they've always been curious about, but have never

Unknown:

had the opportunity to explore. And that's when you know whether

Unknown:

or not we're thriving. But until we're doing all of those

Unknown:

different components for kids, we have to be really

Unknown:

conscientious about it. And I also want to be very clear on

Unknown:

this. This has to happen in real schools to real school, meaning

Unknown:

the four walls of a building where you go and take your kid

Unknown:

to school. I have an educator, multiple educators they're being

Unknown:

assessed and aware of and all the things it's not your child's

Unknown:

getting an aid so the teachers doing a great job. It's okay,

Unknown:

your child's getting an A what, what else do I need to do for

Unknown:

your child? Your child's already gotten them a they've mastered

Unknown:

this subject. Great. What else do I need to do to help and

Unknown:

stretch and expand? And I will speak to this intentionally

Unknown:

because before we were talking and you're talking about your

Unknown:

daughter, how she was going to a gifted and talented school that

Unknown:

you guys had to pay for. I started one of the most coveted

Unknown:

gifted and talented programs in New York City on my own not

Unknown:

having a curriculum not knowing what I was jumping into. I even

Unknown:

was certified and gifted and talented because I was curious

Unknown:

about it. And that is the word I want to give to all of you guys.

Unknown:

You have to be curious. You have to Live curiously, in order to

Unknown:

discover, and store in order to release the judgments on your

Unknown:

expectations of what's supposed to happen, and get curious about

Unknown:

what is happening. That's amazing that your daughter's

Unknown:

reading it for? Well, let's get curious about what else we need

Unknown:

to do for her. So she can holistically Thrive it for not

Unknown:

just so you can go and tell your friends that she's reading for,

Unknown:

let's look at your 18 year old and congratulate them and

Unknown:

celebrate them that they got through. They're now going off

Unknown:

to college, that they're willing to take rapid test every single

Unknown:

day so they can walk into a classroom. How are they

Unknown:

emotionally feeling right now? Did you encourage them to take a

Unknown:

mental health day and just go sit in the sun under a tree and

Unknown:

made a buck of their own choice instead of running off to join

Unknown:

another committee for the resume. So we have to really

Unknown:

look at everything, instead of just making these prescribed

Unknown:

scenarios for ourselves. And so that's really what it comes down

Unknown:

to the emotional intelligence, the self awareness, it starts

Unknown:

with the parent. And it starts with how much my overscheduling

Unknown:

my kid? How much am I doing to make sure that I check off my

Unknown:

own boxes as a parent? How much am I really stepping back, and

Unknown:

allowing my child to live their authentic journey for

Unknown:

themselves? And these are questions parents are scared to

Unknown:

ask.

Nellie Harden:

Very, very. And I feel like too, it's so it's part

Nellie Harden:

of the the paradigm of parenting is that we were raised in a

Nellie Harden:

different era with different ideals of what parenting was

Nellie Harden:

then today. I mean, and this has been going on since parenting

Nellie Harden:

began, right. And so I think about, you know, me, I grew up

Nellie Harden:

in the 80s. And it was very different than in the 80s. Huge

Nellie Harden:

because it was pre internet, right? And pre social media. If

Nellie Harden:

you wanted some more, you know, someone you had to call the home

Nellie Harden:

phone in order to have a conversation with your voice,

Nellie Harden:

right? And then it is just so much different today and helping

Nellie Harden:

them so helping parents learn alongside their children as

Nellie Harden:

they're learning. That's what takes so much vulnerability to

Nellie Harden:

right. Yes, yes, yes. And human connection is human connection,

Nellie Harden:

whether it is you know, through a text or through a phone call

Nellie Harden:

or face to face. And so no matter what your kid is going

Nellie Harden:

through, you have a story, you have something in your past that

Nellie Harden:

you can bring to light and just be like, I can understand this

Nellie Harden:

feeling that you're having and really step into that right not

Nellie Harden:

sympathy, but empathy, really step into that with them, and go

Nellie Harden:

through it, go through it with them, and it will help you more

Nellie Harden:

understand too. So

Unknown:

really important that you share that because I think,

Unknown:

um, I use Halloween as the easiest frame of reference. I

Unknown:

actually truly don't like Halloween, and it's not about

Unknown:

the costumes. It's about the masks, masks and and paint on

Unknown:

the face. It's it just scares me. It's like, what's behind

Unknown:

there? Why are you too scared to show me what's happening? And

Unknown:

that is me being an empath. That is me feeling the world so

Unknown:

deeply. And that's also me knowing my work and my passion

Unknown:

and myself. So originally, all that being said, it's easy for

Unknown:

me to share this point. Referencing Halloween. We love

Unknown:

Halloween. Why? Because we get to put on a costume and be

Unknown:

someone else. Yeah. Why? Because we get to hide an armor up and a

Unknown:

whole new way and a whole new suit. And we don't have to be

Unknown:

the person that you see on regular. The more that we can

Unknown:

take off the costumes, the more we can disarm and let our

Unknown:

emotions flow and show our kids that we feel emotion, anger,

Unknown:

rage, joy, sadness, empathy, compassion, the more the

Unknown:

children will to so that when they get to the boardroom,

Unknown:

they're not having to learn all the skills that they needed to

Unknown:

learn in the playroom. Yes, and that is the disconnect. The

Unknown:

connection with your child is the most essential connection

Unknown:

you can ever have. When we think about a baby in the womb, how is

Unknown:

it thriving with the umbilical cord? It is the bridge. When the

Unknown:

baby comes into the world, the bridge is cut physically cut it

Unknown:

is now our emotional commitment, social commitment to keep that

Unknown:

bridge intact. And one of my favorite invitations that

Unknown:

parents asked me to help live, or having the uncomfortable

Unknown:

conversations, how do I get back to my child? How do I really

Unknown:

understand what they're going through right now? And we don't

Unknown:

get to use the pandemic as an excuse? Because if not a people

Unknown:

that went from oh my god, this is so scary. I hate my life,

Unknown:

too. It's actually really nice not to be so overscheduled to

Unknown:

over scheduling again. Yeah, the amount of conversations that

Unknown:

I've had to have from September of 2021. Until December 31 of

Unknown:

2021. About stop over scheduling your kids. Yeah. Why do you

Unknown:

think they're having breakdowns again? Why do you think you're

Unknown:

discovering that they're drinking more in high school?

Unknown:

Why do you think your daughter came home and told you that her

Unknown:

best friend started smoking pot in ninth grade on a regular

Unknown:

basis? We've got to really get back down to brass tacks. What

Unknown:

are we doing to feed the anxiety? And it's over

Unknown:

scheduling. It's not having the conversations. And it's the

Unknown:

pressurizing that we're consistently going and going and

Unknown:

going and going. And that is the one lesson the pandemic was

Unknown:

intended to teach us. It was intended to teach us not to

Unknown:

socially distance, not to social distance, it was taught to teach

Unknown:

us to physically distance ourselves from other people, and

Unknown:

socially gather, socially, come back together through zoom,

Unknown:

speaking of technology, through zoom through FaceTime, through

Unknown:

texting, through any modality that you possibly can have. So

Unknown:

you can build that rich connection. Because without the

Unknown:

connection, why are we even here? What is our purpose? And

Unknown:

that has has to be remembered.

Nellie Harden:

Know? Exactly, exactly. And you, you touched on

Nellie Harden:

a couple of things in there. But before we close out today, I

Nellie Harden:

really want to dive in on the whole new labels thing. Because

Nellie Harden:

I feel like this is so so so huge, and it weighs so much on

Nellie Harden:

my heart that every kid today I feel like feels that they have

Nellie Harden:

to have a label, which is so weird, because you're reading

Nellie Harden:

out there. Don't label me don't label me by the way, um, this

Nellie Harden:

label, what label are you? And it's like, what? What do you

Nellie Harden:

mean?

Unknown:

I love this conversation. I actually I had

Unknown:

this conversation with so many so many. And it's probably one

Unknown:

of my favorites. Yeah. Here's a funny story for you. So yes, I'm

Unknown:

hyper. Yes, I'm relate to a lot of things. Yes, my mind can

Unknown:

drift off. Those are interesting, if you want to look

Unknown:

at it and start making a list. Okay. So here it is, why am I

Unknown:

thriving as a kindergarten teacher, because I'm with

Unknown:

kindergarteners that have a little bit less energy than me.

Unknown:

So I am writing, we are going on anywhere from 60 to 80 field

Unknown:

trips a year. We're running around New York City, we're

Unknown:

running around wherever we're going. I'm getting back to

Unknown:

school at 239 school into 240. The kids are exhausted, but I

Unknown:

don't pay I'm still like running around. I am there my quote

Unknown:

unquote medicine. I did not find out I was not actually diagnosed

Unknown:

with ADHD until three weeks before I left the classroom in

Unknown:

2018 in June. Okay, so how comical is this? So I'm going I

Unknown:

went to go and have a medicine check. Because I do have anxiety

Unknown:

and my therapist is like, and I was dealing with severe IBS. And

Unknown:

she's like, I want you to go and just make sure everything is is

Unknown:

copacetic. And we're really taking care of all we're

Unknown:

checking in all arenas, going back to self awareness. Don't

Unknown:

just put a bandaid on, don't just slap it on with medicine

Unknown:

and think you're okay, you've got to really stay on top of

Unknown:

every aspect of your human self to make sure you're thriving. So

Unknown:

I go in, and I have this conversation with a

Unknown:

psychiatrist. And he's like, tell me about your learning. And

Unknown:

within three minutes, he's like, You are so classic ADHD, and

Unknown:

like, seriously, stick another posted on me. It's totally cool.

Unknown:

I am not enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not this and he's

Unknown:

like, no, no, I'm being serious with you. And I was like, wait,

Unknown:

what? I was like, I always tell people I have ADHD. He's like,

Unknown:

I'm not kidding with you. I was like, Ah, well, whatever. It's

Unknown:

my superpower. I can do so many things with it. Right? So this

Unknown:

whole time. I had never been on meds. I never done anything for

Unknown:

ADHD. Now I do take medicine for ADHD. And it is monitored

Unknown:

intentionally ADHD. I have ADHD. ADHD does not have me. I know

Unknown:

that it is my superpower. Because I if you literally, I

Unknown:

have like a zillion markers, I have 15 colors posted around me,

Unknown:

my planner is so strategic. No one else would ever understand

Nellie Harden:

describing my desk right now.

Unknown:

No one would ever understand it. Why? Because I

Unknown:

had to teach myself coping mechanisms. So what do I do now

Unknown:

for kids, I teach them about their executive functioning

Unknown:

button at the frontal cortex of their brain, and how they can

Unknown:

help themselves. So when we look at labels and limits, it's, I

Unknown:

need to have a diagnosis. So I know how I need to learn. I need

Unknown:

a diagnosis. So I know I can thrive, you're not going to tell

Unknown:

a diabetic not to go in and find out that they have diabetes and

Unknown:

just keep giving them sugar. Right, you're not going to go

Unknown:

and give a nonverbal autistic child, you're not going to take

Unknown:

them to the park and leave them on their own. Right, right. We

Unknown:

have to have these diagnosis, we have to know what is going on.

Unknown:

We are ignorant, ignorant is not bliss. denial, denial is the

Unknown:

worst medicine any of us can ever take. So when it comes down

Unknown:

to labels and limits, you are limiting yourself, you are

Unknown:

limiting your child by not finding out what they need. The

Unknown:

label component is the miracle. The amount of kids that can now

Unknown:

have speech services, the amount of kids that can now know why

Unknown:

they're not able to hold a pencil, because they need

Unknown:

occupational therapy to build fine motor muscles in their

Unknown:

hands. Why is my child still drooling at nine? Oh, they have

Unknown:

low tone in their mouth, maybe they need to go see somebody, a

Unknown:

speech therapist to help them build up the muscles in their

Unknown:

face, right? These diagnosis are intentional. They are not to

Unknown:

limit you. They are to empower you. They are to be your

Unknown:

powerful source to know exactly what you personally need in

Unknown:

order to thrive. The diagnosis is a seed. If you want to water

Unknown:

it as a label. That's your responsibility to pay attention

Unknown:

to why as a parent, as an educator, it is an excuse. It is

Unknown:

an excuse and it is an excuse I no longer will I tell people

Unknown:

thank you for waiting for me if I'm a few minutes late. I tell

Unknown:

people thank you. I got lost, I was completely focused on a

Unknown:

task. I'm not apologizing. I'm letting you know that at the

Unknown:

time still doesn't work for you. I totally get it can make

Unknown:

another day. Yesterday, I had a phone date, like literally a

Unknown:

phone date with a friend that we had to book three weeks ago,

Unknown:

okay. I'm talking to this man about diversity, equity

Unknown:

inclusion, because my passion in the world is to create an

Unknown:

accessible space for all to feel included, accessible, and a rich

Unknown:

sense of belonging. The world's diverse, it's always going to be

Unknown:

diverse. That's what it is. I'm a trailblazer in what I'm doing.

Unknown:

No one's doing it for children. They're only doing it for high

Unknown:

schoolers, grad students college and into the workspace. Why are

Unknown:

we starting there? It makes no sense. We need to be doing it

Unknown:

younger. That is what I do. So excited about the conversation

Unknown:

I'm having with this man yesterday. That was literally my

Unknown:

girlfriend texted me twice. Are you coming on? Are we having our

Unknown:

date? I was like, really gotta go? Because the conversation was

Unknown:

so amazing. Yesterday, I looked at the guy and I was like, I'm

Unknown:

on fire right now. Can I talk to you more? And so we talked this

Unknown:

morning before? I guess. And I literally he's like, okay, so so

Unknown:

he's an hour behind? Seems like so I'll see you at 930 I was

Unknown:

like no, cuz that's 1030 my time and I have to be on the 11 If

Unknown:

you talk so much yesterday, I know we're going to talk so much

Unknown:

more. Right? Be mindful. Be mindful of what your needs are.

Unknown:

And that's where we diminish the labels and limits and celebrate

Unknown:

ourselves as the powerhouses that we were meant to be.

Nellie Harden:

Love it. Yeah, you're just adding to your

Nellie Harden:

toolbox, right? You know what project you're building then.

Nellie Harden:

And you can add to your toolbox accordingly after that.

Unknown:

Yeah. And if I may also offer this to parents, it's

Unknown:

really important that you honor yourself and know that you've

Unknown:

done nothing wrong. When a child comes out with a learning

Unknown:

difference, it's not because you did something wrong. It's not

Unknown:

because your DNA is screwed up. It's because it's like it was

Unknown:

meant to be and there's a learning process to this and you

Unknown:

are all going to grow stronger together. If you look at it as

Unknown:

it happening for us, for us instead of to us. Get yourself

Unknown:

out of the victim mode and get yourself into the power house.

Unknown:

The right and human that you are be the thought leader, be the

Unknown:

creative leader be the hero If you want to be, because the more

Unknown:

you as parents do that, the more your children will freely do it.

Unknown:

And that's the scariest part, your appearance. And watch so

Unknown:

quickly again, going back to, you know, the conversation about

Unknown:

my mom, I could feel it in my heart as she like, I felt her

Unknown:

thinking that she had done something wrong. She did the

Unknown:

best that she could. My parents did the absolute best that they

Unknown:

could they still do the absolute best they can. You know, I mean,

Unknown:

my dad's like, Do you need some money? I'm like, No, I'm good. I

Unknown:

start like, it's like, I'm in college, right? And I'm like,

Unknown:

yes, sometimes I talk really fast, like I was just a minute

Unknown:

ago, because I get so excited. And I'm so passionate about my

Unknown:

work. And then I slow down. And I really sit in what I'm saying.

Unknown:

And I really hope that your listeners will sit in what I'm

Unknown:

sharing right now, as parents, your job is to create a safe,

Unknown:

healthy environment for your child to thrive. And if you

Unknown:

personally, are not taking care of yourself, if you personally

Unknown:

are not taking a timeout for yourself, to go for a walk to go

Unknown:

outside and scream because you've got this like rage

Unknown:

inside. And you just need to get it out of your body for you not

Unknown:

to have a glass of wine with your friends, for you to

Unknown:

completely disconnect from everyone else. Because you think

Unknown:

your children are the only focal point in your life aside from

Unknown:

your job. You're only hurting yourself. Because what happens

Unknown:

on 6751?

Nellie Harden:

Exactly, exactly. Yeah. Oh, my goodness, well, I

Nellie Harden:

could I could have this be a four hour podcast. And

Nellie Harden:

hopefully, we'll get together and we will definitely talk

Nellie Harden:

again and teach together again. But I just want to thank you for

Nellie Harden:

being on here. I have taken copious notes, and just for my

Nellie Harden:

own self and our own family, and I'm so glad that you are working

Nellie Harden:

in the Children and Family sector in all of these important

Nellie Harden:

topics. And it's just it's an honor to be sitting with you

Nellie Harden:

today and be able to have this conversation. So thank you so

Nellie Harden:

much for being here. Can you tell us real quick where

Nellie Harden:

everyone can find you? Yes, well, first of all, I

Unknown:

want to thank you. Because it's it's creating

Unknown:

platforms like what you're doing, for experts like myself

Unknown:

to come on and really share how we can shift the paradigm.

Unknown:

Instead of talking about the problem, we give actionable

Unknown:

steps. And the more action we take, the better oil is going to

Unknown:

be. So I really want to thank you for inviting me to come on.

Unknown:

Now. You can find me on LinkedIn, I'm on LinkedIn, and

Unknown:

I'm on my website, David Kaplan. teach.com. I'm also on social

Unknown:

media. I'm on Instagram, you can find me there and on Facebook.

Unknown:

And I'm yeah, I'm all over the world actually.

Nellie Harden:

Are we all today? Aren't we all today? Oh, my

Nellie Harden:

goodness. Well, thank you again for having us on listeners,

Nellie Harden:

parent Ark, or family architects that are listening, you are

Nellie Harden:

building the beginning of someone else's life that is what

Nellie Harden:

we are doing as parents. And we are doing the best we can with

Nellie Harden:

what we have. And the more we know, the more we can put into

Nellie Harden:

action and be better for it. So thank you, again for being on.

Nellie Harden:

Thank you listeners for listening. And I will check in

Nellie Harden:

and see you next week. Thank you so much for listening today. And

Nellie Harden:

I hope you were able to take something from our discussion

Nellie Harden:

that you can use to build the foundation of self love

Nellie Harden:

leadership in your own family. If you are a parent with

Nellie Harden:

children 17 or younger, and especially those around nine and

Nellie Harden:

up, I would love to extend an invitation to you to the best

Nellie Harden:

club in town. The family architects Club is a private

Nellie Harden:

club where intentional parents go that want to love support,

Nellie Harden:

connect or reconnect and really truly help guide their kids and

Nellie Harden:

teach them how to self lead in discipline and leadership. This

Nellie Harden:

is an online community and the you are welcome to it. Parenting

Nellie Harden:

is a project and you are the architect of this one. You plan

Nellie Harden:

you design and oversee the construction of the beginning of

Nellie Harden:

someone else's life. And that's what goes into these first 6570

Nellie Harden:

days. And it will be the foundation for the rest of their

Nellie Harden:

lives. So come join the club. You can find your invitation on

Nellie Harden:

the front page of my website Nelly hardin.com that is n e ll

Nellie Harden:

ie H AR di n.com. Thank you again for being a part of this

Nellie Harden:

conversation today. And if something really resonated with

Nellie Harden:

you, or if you have a question, please don't hesitate to connect

Nellie Harden:

with me. You can find me on Instagram at Nelly Hardin. And

Nellie Harden:

lastly if you love the information please please leave

Nellie Harden:

a five star review and a comment so more and more families can be

Nellie Harden:

impacted by harnessing the strength of these ideas and

Nellie Harden:

tools in their own families. So thank you so much. Happy

Nellie Harden:

building you guys and I'll see you next week.

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