I get real about my what the fuck experience when my dad shared with me that I had “lived as a caged animal all of my life” – and how he knew he was the cause of it – his disclosure to me that he had sexually abused me as a child. When it was time to tell my mom, I just knew. As an empath, despite not wanting to “hurt” others by sharing, I recognized the cost of the secret too. Let’s talk about it!

Hi friend, I'm Tanya Gill, welcome to Lighten Up and unstuck your what the fuck. Together, we explore the ways through life's stickiness moments, and how to live with more peace, joy, love and gratitude. We're going to talk honestly about what isn't easy so you can discover the light within you that will carry you forward. My friend, this podcast is about you in real life, your body, mind and soul, and the opportunity to not only live your best, but shine, doing it.

Hello, my beautiful friends, I am so glad you are here. Thank you. Thank you for clicking and opening and listening to this podcast. I'm gonna be totally straight and honest with you. I have nothing written down. I'm just speaking from my heart. I'm so grateful you're here. And I'm grateful you're here because I have a lot of trepidation having the conversation and sharing with you what I'm about to share. And yet I know that this is my path forward. And I know that this is a path that feels sticky and uncomfortable and really uneasy, but at the same time, it's so fucking important. So here I am. I want to invite you into a very pivotal moment in my life. And it happened on December 3 2020. On December 3 2020, under spectacularly divine intervention, I would say I was given an opportunity to go into a hospital room with my father. My dad was in the hospital with COVID. And he was not doing well. And because of his own mental health challenges, he was really struggling with taking his meds. Now, lots of different factors here, the first being that my dad is like, or was very deaf. So in the face of a pandemic, where everyone is masked and gowns and all of those things, he relied really heavily on lip reading. And so because he couldn't lip read, because everybody that came into the hospital room was masked. He was really struggling and he was very dysregulated. And the nurses made an exception and allowed for an opportunity for me to go into that hospital room with him. Now, what's interesting about that is that there was another person that could have gone into that room with him. But for some reason, they chose not to go into that room with him that day. And therefore I was faced with oh my god, okay, I guess I'm going in.

Now the history is my dad and I actually had to say the least a tumultuous relationship through the years. And to go in there in this situation and try and encourage him to take his meds. I'm not gonna lie, I put on my social work hat, I totally put on my social work hat, I was like, Okay, I'm gonna go in, I'm going to do my thing, I'm going to try and get him a little more regulated, I'm going to get him calm, I'm going to get him to take his meds, and then I'm going to get the hell out of there. So when I went in, I had a few things for him, including some photos of different family members and photos of our wedding that he was at that was quite recent. So things that I thought would help him feel connected, and maybe feel more settled. And also help him connect with who I was. Because of course, completely bound and masked and Heron added and gloved and face shielded and all of the things like I didn't know if he would be able to make the connection. So as I was with him, he really was not connecting that I was his daughter and instead he kept talking to me like I was a nurse, and in an effort to try and get him to make that connection. I pulled out photos I was pointing at myself. I was pointing at the photos. Of course I couldn't take my mask down so I couldn't read my lips. But he did start to calm down and as he was looking at the photos, he was telling me about different people in the photos and then he came to a photo of me and He was like, This is my daughter, this is Tanya.

And I was pointing at myself saying, This is me, this is me. And as he was looking at the photo, he said, you know, she spent her entire life living as a caged animal. Which, of course, is not something you ever expect to have your parents describe you as. So that was a little bit of a What the fuck. But what happened from there was that he proceeded to share with me that he was the cause of my life as a caged animal. And that he sexually abused me. And if you want to have a WHAT THE FUCK moment, it really is sitting in a hospital room with your dad sitting in a wheelchair, stroking his hand, as he's looking at the photos in his lap, a photo of you and then telling you what he did to you. And I, as I say this, I'm like, oh my god, am I really gonna put this out to the world, but here's the thing, like, it's fucking real. And it's a funny, funny, not so funny fucked up, whatever it is, it's a thing where there was always an incredible disconnect between he and I. And we were kind of like oil and water. And over the years, he said many things to me that, well, quite frankly, fucking hurt a lot. And a few years ago, with my therapist, she actually asked me when I started working with her if I had been sexually assaulted or abused at any point in my life, and my answer was not that I know of, which I didn't remember that. But she reminded me of that, when I came to her with this new giant, what the fuck. But what happened from this has been so strange, I guess is the word because I didn't know what to do with that information. I did not know what to do with that information. And it was so fucked up because I sat there stroking his hand as he was telling me and then and then convinced him to take his meds negotiated with him to take his meds. And he did recognize me before I left. And if if you read through my blog, I actually have a blog about my relationship with my ankles, which probably sounds really strange, but it's worth a read. And it was actually my legs that he recognized. A little while later, while I was still sitting with him, coaxing him to take his meds. And the look in his eyes when he realized that he had told me and not a random nurse was pure terror. I actually don't know that I've ever seen terror in his eyes like I saw them. And I don't know if it was the social worker in me or if it was the fact that as he was telling me on the inside, I was screaming, this is not fucking happening. This is not actually fucking happening. Please wake up. This can't be happening. But it was and it did. And yet for some bucked up reason, I was able to stay with him and encouraged him to take his meds. And even after he recognized me, I tucked him into bed before I left. My heart hurt for his soul. And my heart hurt for mine. But I didn't know what to do with it. Because as As much as this was the most horrific thing that could possibly fucking happen.

It was also like he'd given me the most meaningful conversation of our lives. It was like he handed me a puzzle piece. And he said, This is why this is why I've treated you the way I have over the years. This is why energetically, we experience each other some difficulty. And at that moment when he told me I didn't remember. But I certainly didn't question it because I could feel his truth. And I prayed that I wouldn't remember. But I also felt compelled to make sure that even though I was fucking losing it on the inside, I stayed calm on the outside. Because I needed him to stay regulated in that bucket hospital room. And, and so of course, of course, because the universe likes to, you know, throw curveballs on the way home, which was a significant four hour drive. On the way home, I started getting flashbacks of the abuse. Very vivid flashbacks. My dad died seven days later, and was buried 16 days later. And the process of going through his funeral and having conversations about grief and loss and, and, and being present for my family in the grieving. And also sitting with my own pain in multiple different realms was hard. And ugly. And I couldn't speak my truth because everyone around me was grieving so deeply and and I didn't know what the fuck to do with it. I didn't know what the fuck to do with it. And the reason I guess that I decided to do this podcast is because I, I've arrived at a place now where I know that this truth is a piece of my healing, and possibly a piece of yours. We live in a culture that truly does blame and shame victims. And I am a 47 year old woman. I am a professional. I have several degrees, I believe myself to be well respected. I'm honest, I'm hard working all the fucking things, whatever. I'm also super, perfectly imperfect. And that's okay. And I knew when I worked with my therapist that when the time came, I would know when I needed to share my truth.

And as time moved on, it became more and more important to me that I tell my mom that I have the conversation with my mom about this. And it's taken more than a year to arrive at that place of being able to trust myself enough to have the conversation. And I really wholeheartedly believe with every ounce of my being, that having that conversation with her was my ability then to have the conversation with my own children because God forbid if anything happened to them, they needed to know that they were safe to tell me and that that I was here and that I love them and that I trust them and that I believe them. And that if there are any other people that became victims to him that they are safe enough to speak up and get support and get love. And these secrets. These secrets are dangerous. They are poison, they cause more pain and more grief. And for God's sake, like my dad's dead, right, like he is dead. So my sharing, this is not going to impact him in any way. This is about the living. And that's how I came to the decision that I knew it was time I needed to have a conversation with my mom. Now, for those of you who know me, you know that not only do I adore my mom, but I think she is an amazing human being with one of the biggest, most generous, kind, loving hearts in the entire world. And I've never been more scared in my life to have a conversation with her, because I knew that it was going to open up a lot of stuff. So when I went to have the conversation with her, I went holding space to support her and love her. And to help her understand, and also to make sure that she knew some really important things. Number one, I've arrived at a place of forgiveness for him.

And you know, that place of forgiveness is a really, really wild place to be because I never in a million years imagined that I would be in a place of forgiveness with him. When he died, I actually watched him take his last breath through the hospital window, it was COVID. But we were able to go in and be with him after he passed. And when I went into the room, I was struck by something that I never had noticed in my entire life until I walked into that room. And what I noticed was an absence of something. And what I noticed was an absence of an energy that always existed within me when I was around him. And it was the absence of that. That really magnified for me. Not only that that energy existed in a living plane, but also that I could feel a piece being around him that I'd never experienced before. So oddly enough, some of the most peaceful time I had with my dad was when he was dead. Which sounds bizarre, but it's just my truth. So going to have the conversation with my mom, I knew that it was going to open a lot of things and I really wanted for her to understand I don't blame her that I forgive him. But I needed her to know and I needed I needed to be able to talk about it with her I needed her to be my mom I needed her to love me and protect me and and be there the conversation did not go well. And I haven't spoken with my mum and a few weeks and I don't know what is going to move from here where it's going. And I I really do put my faith in the universe in this one and trust that the space will come where she will accept this as my truth and and express that she's sorry it happened to me. Now, while that's what I need, I don't know that that's what I'll get. But I have to trust the universe.

And the reason I'm having this conversation with you is because there are so many women out there with a secret with shame around something that happened to them that isn't their fault. And if you are one of those women I want you to hear this really clearly. It is not your fucking fault. If someone violates you, at any age, at any stage, at any point in your life You have the right to speak up and say, this happened to me and it's not fucking Okay. And, you know, I'm not on a bandwagon of, of wanting to like, run my dad into the ground I'm in a space of saying this shit happens way too fucking much. And if you have had this experience my friend you need to know that you are whole and you are loved and you are love and you are worthy. And for God's sake, sister. It's not your fucking fault. It is not your fault that this happened to you. And whatever reactions people give to you speaking your truth that is theirs and, and coming to that space of of trying to say that myself like to say, This is my mom's path is really fucking hard because if you're an empath, like I'm an empath, and like my whole world revolves around my family and gathering and joy and love and oh my god, these are my people. But I also know that I love myself enough to speak my truth and be able to face whatever comes with that. Being silent can be really dangerous. It can lead to depression, it can lead to anxiety, good God, it can lead to suicidal ideation. Isolation there are so many layers when we feel shame and I'm not gonna lie I've sat in shame and fear and worry oh my god, I have so been worrying, worrying worrying lately but holy Come on, like really? Like worrying. All that does is it it is just borrowing the unknown from the unknown and fixating on it so you can't be in the moment like, oh my god, what a fucking waste of time. But it's easy to do. I get it. It's really easy to do. How much time have you wasted worrying? I know I've wasted way too fucking much time worrying. What I want you to know is this. I'm in a total WHAT THE FUCK right now. And I'll keep you posted on how this all unfurls unwinds on curls rewinds Whatever it looks like, this is my reality.

But if I had to do it over again, I would. And the reason I would is because if you're listening to this, and either A, you yourself, have been a victim and are shaming and blaming yourself. Please, friend, no. It is not your fault. You are whole and perfect and loved and love as you are. And nobody gets to take that away from you. If you are afraid to speak your truth, experience that fear. And when it is time, you will know. You will know. I knew for me it was just like, all of a sudden I was like oh my god, I can't hold on to this any more. I can't. It was like every cell in my body was screaming this has to be spoken. Especially because when you have a close relationship with someone and you're withholding something like this from them, it makes the relationship feel different. Even when you're trying not to have it feel different. And I know sharing this also makes the relationship feel different. We haven't had contact in weeks now. But that's a choice. I can't go on pretending that this didn't happen and trying to justify my truth knowing that it did. So my friend you need to know that when you know and it is time. You can do the hard things I am someone who trusts the universe deeply. I'm a spiritual being. And I believe that we, as spiritual beings, have to sometimes put our trust in the universe and take the next best step, every single day. And that is exactly what I'm doing. Every single day, I'm taking the next best step. And the next best step for me today was to share with you this message that if you are going through a What the fuck if you are a victim, although I don't love the word victim. But if you are a victim of sexual assault, a sexual interference of any kind of violation of your rights to your body and your privacy. You have the right to speak up. When you think about the one, one in three women have experienced sexual assault or sexual violence, that's the numbers that are reported. And I just think, oh my god, like, how many women out there, don't report it or feel like somehow it was their fault because they were drinking or they were I don't you know what I was a child. But it doesn't matter if I was three years old. Or if it happened yesterday. Because it's real, and it happened. And it now opens a door for me to process and heal with this and through this.

And part of that healing process is speaking my truth. My friend, this is to me, the essence of self love. I really wholeheartedly believe that had I not stepped into loving myself intentionally every day, through what is now the self love adventure. Going through that experience of showing up for myself every day and building that Buchan trust to a point that I could get in a car and make the drive to have the conversation that I needed to have sobbing my face off. And even experiencing what feels like rejection I couldn't have done it. I could not have done it if I hadn't built that relationship with myself. And even in all of this where it is so feeling so messy and so raw. I can still say but I love myself which is really powerful. And and only fuck man like seriously when you're not feeling a lot of love from a lot of other places sometimes. Yeah, that's the place you got to find the love is with yourself. There's power in that, my friends, there's so much power in that I love you. And I just needed to share this I needed to put it out there I needed to let you know that. We just never know what life is throwing at us. And when it happens, it feels like curveballs sometimes it feels like a two by four between the eyebrows. And sometimes it's just like you've just been dipped into the big old pot of what the fuck but you can trust that one day at a time moving forward. one little step at a time. healing takes place. deeper understanding comes with it and being a part of a community that loves you and accepts you as you are can be just so beautiful.

My friend, I love you and I accept you just as you are. If any of this resonated for you, please feel free to reach out. Send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram. I just want you to know that you are beautiful and you are loved. And you deserve all the best and whatever what the fuck you're in. And especially if you have been in a place where you too are able to use the hashtag me too. I hold you in my heart with all the love please please no. It is not your fault. You are whole and you are beautiful and you deserve to live your fucking juicy life. yours my friend All right, I've rambled on and you know what? I am so grateful you're listening. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. If any of this resonated with you again, reach out. I love you, I adore you. You are wonderful. I know you can spend your time doing a lot of different things. Thank you for being here. And stay awesome. I'll catch you soon. Love to you.