Hope After the Storm: A Brother’s Reflection (Ep 128)

Introduction and Personal Loss

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Jason: Thank you for listening and welcome to the podcast. I'm your host, Jason McConnell. This episode is gonna be heavier than usual, but it's one that I feel called to share with you today. You see, on June 26th, my sister passed away after a five year long battle with breast cancer. I mean, that's really hard to say Out loud.

The pain is still fresh, the questions still swirl, and there are moments that I still, honestly, I, I really don't understand. But after much prayer, and I mean honest wrestling prayer, I've come to realize something. When you're walking through the valley, sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is just speak your grief, don't hide it.

So today I'm not coming to you as a Christian podcaster with a polished message. I, I'm coming as a brother whose heart is still healing, and, and I wanna share my journey with you, my doubts, my anger, my sorrow. Also the deep comfort and peace I've managed to find in Christ as I'm going through this. This is a journey from grief to grace, from loss to lasting hope.

Ecclesiastes three reminds us in verses one and four, there is a time for everything in a season, for every activity under the heavens. A time to weep, in a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. And this, I mean, this has been my time to mourn, but it's also a time to reflect. By God's mercy, it's becoming a time to affirm my faith and, and learn to trust God more.

So whether you have also walked through your own journey of loss or, or if you're just trying to understand how faith survives the storms of life, I do invite you to take this journey with me. Let's walk through the valley together and we can discover that even in the most difficult times, God is still good and he is still near.

Memories of My Sister

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Jason: My sister was seven years older than me, so she would've been 55 this year. I mean, technically she was my half-sister. Uh, she lived with her mom, so we didn't grow up in the same house. I didn't really talk about her as my half-sister, but I just figured I would clarify. So we see each other from time to time, uh, especially at our grandparents' place.

And, and some of my earliest and fondest memories include being there with her. And there's this one photo that we have that I love of the two of us. I am just a baby sitting in a bird bath and she's standing next to me smiling. And I once asked her why she put me in the bird bath and she just laughed and said That was the closest thing we had to a pool.

She was the older sibling, obviously. And like any older sibling, she took full advantage of my gullibility. I mean, one time she told me that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, it would grow in my belly. I believed her, of course, and to quote, prove it, she actually pretended to swallow one herself, or maybe she really did.

I don't know. But when I wasn't looking, she would stick twigs and vines and stuff in her mouth to fake it growing when I was four. She had me convinced that I was going to sprout vines at any moment. There was another time that I had to go to school while she was visiting us and she was bored, I guess, at the house, and she tied fishing line to a bunch of different objects around the house, lamps, cups, whatever she could find.

When I got home, she told me she was magic and she could prove it, and she would wiggle her fingers on one hand and then pull on the fishing line with the other to make something move in the house, and I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker. We were fairly close back then, but as we got older, we grew much closer.

I mean, we'd go skiing together, we'd have real conversations. She became more than a big sister. She was like a real friend. She spent years searching for her calling and, and when she found it, oh man, she ran with it. She, she eventually went on to become a naturopathic doctor, and she helped so many people.

I mean, she was brilliant. She was joyful. She was just this free spirit who lived life fully, and she made the world feel just a little more whimsical, a little more fun. So when she was diagnosed with cancer five years ago, I mean, it was like a punch to the soul. She fought. Oh man. She fought with everything she had and for a while.

Oh, for a while it looked like she just might beat it. She had that same fierce determination. She carried her whole life. But unfortunately the cancer came back and it spread, and I mean it eventually took over.

Struggles with Faith and Grief

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Jason: I was there when she took her final breaths, and in that moment I wasn't thinking about theology or quoting Bible verses I.

I wasn't even really praying. I was just sitting there heartbroken, holding her hand thinking, why her? It felt so unfair, so unjust. She was, she was so kind. She was still young. She was doing good in the world, and now, now she's just gone. And I'll be honest with you, I questioned God. I doubted his goodness.

My dad and I, I mean, we talked and he said what I was thinking, he told me. I prayed for her. I begged God to heal her, and he didn't answer. And maybe you felt that way too. You know, when you, when your prayer hits the ceiling and God feels just like a billion miles away.

Finding Comfort in Scripture

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words that say so much. John: 1135

You see, Jesus swept when his friend Lazarus died and he knew. Resurrection was coming. He knew it, and yet he still mourned for him because Death Hurts Loss ripped something out of us. And our savior is not indifferent to that pain. He enters into it with us. And, and when I think about Job, I mean he lost more than most of us could even imagine.

I, I'm reminded of the power of Honest broken Worship in Job one verses 20 through 21. It says. This job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground and worship and said, naked, I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be praised.

Now, I'll be honest with you, I wasn't quite to the level. Job was on my day of grief. I didn't fall to the ground and worship. I just wept. I sat with the ache. I, I asked the hard questions, but eventually, slowly as time passed. God started to meet me in that space, and certainly not with any answers, but with his presence.

And I think that's what happens when we keep going to God with our doubts, with our questions, with our pain and suffering, even with our rage at the unfairness of it all. All those things, they, they have to go somewhere, but if you take them to God, I mean, at least you're still moving towards him and, and eventually.

He, he'll close the distance. And that's what I wanna keep sharing with you today. Not this, not the polished theology, uh, but raw, real experience of what it means to grieve with faith. Because even when it feels unfair, even when the why never comes, Jesus still weeps with us and, and he's still worthy of our trust, even through the tears.

Expressing Anger and Honest Worship

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Jason: So let's talk about something that every Christian has felt or I believe will feel at some point in their faith journey, but few are willing to say out loud, I was angry at God. I mean there, I mean, I said it and, and honestly, I know God can handle it, but as I sat there replaying the final moments of my sister's life, in my mind I couldn't help but feel this rising frustration, this internal cry of, Lord, what are you doing?

We begged you to heal her. We asked you to show up. We believed you could, and she died anyway. And I didn't just feel sadness. I felt betrayed. God was supposed to be good, right? He was supposed to, to, to hear our prayers, the prayers of his children. I, I mean, I know that sounds harsh, maybe even a little irreverent to some ears, but if you've ever experienced debrief, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

There is this silence that comes after loss, and in that silence, our hearts can start to scream. David knew that feeling too. The man after God's own heart, he didn't shy away from his raw emotions in Psalms 13, one and two, I mean, it really echoes the way I felt. How long, Lord, will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? That's the kind of honesty I didn't know I was allowed to bring before God. But the Psalms tell us, you're not just allowed to, you're invited to. I had to unlearn this idea that faith, I'll use quotes.

Faith means always feeling calm, always being okay, always smiling through the storm. Now real faith sometimes cries out in anger and real faith will wrestle with God. Even the prophet Jeremiah, often called the weeping prophet, wrote this in Lamentations three verses 19 and 20. I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.

I remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. I mean bitterness gall. Those are strong words. And yet right after that, Jeremiah pivots in Lamentations 3 21 through 23. Yet I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed for his compassions never fail.

They're new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. I wanna see if you caught that even in the bitterness, even in the downcast soul, he clings to God's faithfulness. Not because the pain goes away, not because he gets the answers he wants, but because somehow God's mercy still shows up in the middle of the grief.

I mean, Lamentations 3 22 and 23. Have been a favorite of mine for a very long time, but I never really went back to reflect on what led up to it in the previous verses. I mean, I've read 'em, but I never really reflected on it. Let me tell you this. If you're angry at God, I wanna say this as clearly as I can.

He can handle your anger. He's not scared of your questions, obviously, he's not offended by your honesty. He already knows your heart and he loves you enough to sit with you in the raw. Unfiltered pain. So don't hide your anger. Don't fake peace when you don't feel it yet. Bring it to him. Scream if you need to cry, if you have to entrust that, even in your fierce system motions, God isn't walking away.

If anything, he's, he's drawing closer.

Experiencing God's Peace

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Jason: And then there came a point, not, not all at once, mind you, but little by little where something started to change. I didn't get the answers I wanted. I didn't suddenly feel okay. The grief hasn't disappeared. I still struggle with it. I mean, I've had to pause this podcast a couple times to to collect myself, but somehow peace will come over you.

It came over me, not because the circumstances got better, but because Jesus came near. And I think that's one of the most surprising things I've discover discovered through this process, through this season. Peace doesn't always come from having everything figured out. It comes from presence, and it's not just any presence.

us told his disciples in John: 1427

Not the kind of peace that comes from control, not the kind of peace that comes from understanding, but a supernatural peace that can only be explained by his presence in that pain. Isaiah captured it kinda like this in Isaiah 26, 3. You will keep in perfect peace. Those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you.

Perfect peace doesn't mean you don't cry. It doesn't mean you don't ache. It means that even in the ache there's this, this strange calmness, this assurance that God is still holding you when everything else feels like it's absolutely falling apart. There were moments, quiet, small moments when I felt it like a breath in my spirit that didn't.

I didn't take myself a, a re, a reminder that I wasn't alone in the darkness. Maybe somebody listening today needs to hear that too and know that you're not alone. God is with you. God is not a distant deity or a theological idea, but a but as a present, comforting, peace bringing savior. Paul described it, uh, like this in Philippians four, verses six and seven.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with Thanksgiving, present your request to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Jesus Christ. I love that phrase, transcends all understanding because there's really no reason I I should have any peace after my sister died.

No reason I should feel any comfort while holding these unanswered questions. There it was there. He was guarding my heart, not explaining everything, but protecting me from falling completely apart. And that's the gift of Jesus. He doesn't always change our circumstances. A lot of times he doesn't, but he does change our experience within them.

And if you've never experienced that kind of peace, I want you to know it's real. It is available, and it comes not through Perfect faith. Through surrender. It counts when he stop trying to fix it and trying to understand it and, and wrap our minds around it, and just sit there at the feet of the one who already knows the end from the beginning.

His name is a prince of Peace for a reason, and I've, I've never needed that more than I have these past couple of months.

Hope Beyond Grief

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Jason: And, you know, one of the hardest things about grief is how it, how final it feels. That last breath, the last hug, the last I love you. It can feel like a door has, has been slammed shut forever, and in many ways it has, at least on this side of eternity.

But as followers of Christ, we believe something radical, something beautiful, something powerful. We believe that death does not get the last word and that hope, that truth. It's the only reason I can sit here today. Not lose my mind because even as I mourn my sister's absence, I clinging to the promise that this is not the end of her story or mine.

First Thessalonians four verses 13 and 14 says, brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind who have no hope. For, we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus, those who have fallen asleep in him.

I want you to notice that it doesn't say we don't grieve. It just says we don't grieve like those who have no hope. Hope doesn't erase grief, but it doesn't. It does transform it. It gives it a future. It lifts our eyes from the grave to the sky where we wait for the return of the one. Who already conquered death.

Like I, I don't know every detail of what heaven looks like. No, nobody does. I mean, other than God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. But I know this. If my sister placed her faith in Jesus, and I, I'm starting to believe in my heart that she did that. She's more alive now than she's ever been. Free from pain free, from cancer, free from every weight this world placed on her.

Romans 8 38 and 39 declares the following for, I'm convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any power, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord, not even in death.

Not even in the darkness of a hospice room, not even in the silence that follows the last breath. Nothing can separate us from his love. And one day, one, one glorious promised day, we will be reunited. There will be no more cancer, no more hospitals, no more grief, only joy. Revelation 21 verse four gives us this beautiful vision of what's to come.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning, or crying, or pain for the old order of things has passed away. I, I hold onto that promise. I hold onto it. When the tears fall, I hold onto it. When, when I miss her voice, I hold onto it when I see her picture and I feel that ache all over again because I know she's not lost.

She's gone ahead. Someday I'll join her. Not because I was strong enough to earn heaven, but because Jesus was gracious enough to give it and that that's a hope. The grave can't silence. That's a hope no cancer can kill. That's resurrection hope and and it's for every believer.

Final Reflections and Encouragement

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Jason: Since my sister passed, I've felt kind of an aloneness.

It's hard to describe. It's not that I don't have people in my life who care. I do. But there's this specific void, a missing voice, a missing presence. And the other day I had kind of a rough time, some stuff went down and without even thinking, I instinctively wanted to call my sister to talk about it, to vent, to laugh it off with her, and then I remembered I couldn't.

Grief has a way of sneaking up on you like that. It doesn't always knock. Sometimes it just barges right in. But even in that moment of aching, I was reminded that I'm not alone. Not really. I may not be able to hear her voice, but I do hear the voice of the one who says, never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you.

It's Hebrews 13, five. I have the presence of Christ lifting me when I don't have the strength to stand. I have the presence of God the father, who sees the entire story and knows what's still to come. And I have the presence of the Holy Spirit filling me with peace, with comfort, and with the assurance that I am loved and not forgotten.

And yeah, I miss my sister. I mean, I probably always will. She was a big part of my life. She, she made me laugh. She made me think. She reminded me never to take life too seriously. And even though she's no longer here on this earth. The love I carry for her. It's not gone anywhere. That that kind of love doesn't fade.

It doesn't go away, it doesn't dissipate. It just gets woven deeper into who you are. So if you're listening today and you've lost somebody too, if your heart is heavy, if you've had moments where you want to call them, hug them, hear them laugh again. Let remind you of something that I'm learning every day.

You're not alone. Even in your grief, you are held. Even in your silence, you are heard, and even in your heartbreak, you are being healed slowly, gently, and faithfully. Jesus never promised a life without sorrow, but he did promise his presence in the sorrow, and that's more than enough to carry us forward.

The truth is I, I have to carry on and continue living my life, continue growing in Christ, and continue my ministry mission. Until next time, keep loving your neighbors. Dive into God's word daily and may the Lord bless you and keep you and fill you with his peace. Take care of God bless, and I'll see you in the next episode.

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