BTW - If you didn't already know, I'm Sarah - Drink Less; Live Better founder, best-selling author, expert speaker, life coach and, as you already know, podcast host!
We don't have to hit rock bottom, we're allowed to want something different and we can CHOOSE to improve our lives from this point onwards.
I work in the magic space where doubt, hope and action meet... oh.... and
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Transcripts
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Hello and welcome back to the Drink Less Live Better podcast. I'm Sarah Williamson. Follow me on Instagram.
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For a bit of inspiration, check out my website to download resources and read my book.
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For insights and wisdom, Drink Less Live Better.
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I have coaching spots open at the moment.
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Pop me an email if you'd like more information.
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Okay, let's get on with Today's episode.
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Is Help the Sunny side of Control?
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Okay, here's something that sits at the junction of kindness, boundaries and control.
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It comes from a line by one of my favourite writers, Anne Lamott.
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Help is the sunny side of control. At first, that sounds contradictory.
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Help, something we think of as generous, compassionate, outward focused.
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Being linked to control, which feels rigid, restrictive, perhaps even selfish.
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But if we consider it for a while, lamotte's phrase opens a window into how complicated human relationships can be.
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Let's start with looking at what we mean by help.
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Okay, on the surface, helping is simple.
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Someone drops their shopping, you pick it up for them.
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A friend is sick, you bring them soup.
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That's the clean version of help, the version that asks for nothing in return.
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You're just picking up shopping or delivering soup.
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But often our offers of help are are loaded with conditions.
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We want to fix someone's problem for them.
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We want them to recover, to succeed, or to behave in a way that matches our vision of what's good for them.
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And here's where Anne LaMotte's insight comes in.
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Sometimes our helping isn't about generosity at all. It's about control.
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Dressed up in sunny clothes, when we jump in to advise, to rescue, to organise, to manage, are we really helping?
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Or are we trying to reduce our own discomfort with another person's messiness, their pain, their independence? Here's a personal story. I'll give you an example.
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Years ago, a close friend of mine went through a really distressing time.
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I could see jackknife truck skidding in from a mile away.
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I saw it when it was going to happen.
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And when it happened, I sprang into friend action.
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And if I'm honest, I wasn't really helping for her. I was helping for me.
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I did not like seeing her cry.
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I wanted the whole thing to be over, to be tidied up, to be finished with, to be cleaned away so I didn't have to be with her in her ongoing grief. And that's what LaMotte means.
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Help is the sunny side of control. My actions looked like kindness. Delivering food, being with her.
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But really, actually they were an attempt to control the situation so that it would be more comfortable for Me if you could see me now.
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I hardly believe my 180 degree change in behaviours.
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I am incredibly comfortable with people crying all over me and I'm really less inclined to bring you a casserole and just hang out with you.
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Ok, here's some of the psychology behind it. Part of it is human wiring.
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Psychologists talk about something called the helper's high, the chemical rush we get from being useful. But there's also something subtler.
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Helping gives us a sense of power in uncertain situations.
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If we can just perhaps fix things, maybe we won't have to feel powerless or watch someone we love suffer.
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The problem is, real help often looks like the opposite of fixing.
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Real help is showing up and allowing someone's pain or struggle to exist without rushing it away.
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It's not glamorous, it doesn't give you that shiny control. But it is honest and kind.
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So if help can so easily become control, what does real help look like?
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Anne lamotte suggests it looks like humility.
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It looks like asking instead of assuming.
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It looks like respecting someone else's timing, their autonomy and their dignity.
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Sometimes the best help is silence, just being around without advice.
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Sometimes it's a lift to the doctor.
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Sometimes it's simply asking what you need right now and then listening to the answer.
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Even if, especially if the answer is nothing, real help leaves space for the other person to remain the author of their own story.
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And the funny thing is, when we let go of control, we usually become better helpers.
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We stop trying to manage the outcomes and instead we offer support that's flexible, tender and gentle. It's a bit like gardening.
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You can water, you can pull weeds, you can give plants good soil, but you can't force them to grow.
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If you tug on a stem to make it taller, you're just going to snap it in half. Helping is like that.
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It requires patience and willingness to let things unfold in their own good time.
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So how can we practice this in our everyday lives? I've got a few ideas. Pause before helping.
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Ask yourself, am I doing this to ease their burden or to ease my discomfort? Ask instead of assuming.
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Do you want advice or would you just like me to listen? That question can change everything. Respect somebody's no.
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Sometimes people don't want help, and that's okay.
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Saying no is part of their autonomy. Offer presence more than solutions. Presence.
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Just hanging around is sometimes the deepest form of help we can give.
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Anne lamotte's phrase help is the sunny side of control challenges us to be honest with ourselves.
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Helping can be a mask we wear when we're afraid of chaos, of vulnerability, or of not being in charge.
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But when we recognize that impulse, we get the chance to shift, to offer the sort of help that doesn't control, but instead frees somebody up.
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So next time you find yourself rushing to fix someone else's life, take a breath, step back.
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Do not make other people your projects. You are your project.
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That sounds like a good podcast title. Watch out for that one soon. You are are your project. Thank you for listening in today.
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Check out the show notes for resources and ways to work with me.
