Are you constantly giving away your time, energy, or expertise for free—and wondering why it's so hard to say no?

If you’ve ever agreed to a “quick coffee chat,” a free trial, or unpaid mentoring—even when it didn’t feel right—this episode reveals the real reasons behind the pattern. It's not just about confidence; it's about how your body is wired and the social pressures that keep you stuck in over-giving mode.

In this episode you’ll gain: 

• The 5 embodied strategies to shift from over-giving to empowered, aligned decision-making.
• Knowledge on how imposter syndrome is more than a mindset—it’s a response to repeated undervaluation.

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This podcast explores the intersection of sales, money, and business success, offering entrepreneurial insights on overcoming the inner critic, burnout, and the unique challenges of ADHD and autoimmune conditions, while integrating polyvagal theory, Ayurveda, coaching, resilience, regulation, and trauma healing to support holistic growth and thriving in both life and business.

  📍 Have you ever been asked to give your time and energy and expertise for free? Maybe it's a quick coffee or maybe you just say yes to things when you actually wanna say no. In 📍 today's episode, we're going over the hidden cost of overgiving and how imposter syndrome, nervousness and dysregulation.

And then social conditioning makes it really difficult to see our work. But most importantly, we're gonna talk about how to break that cycle so that you can lead and collaborate and thrive without having to justify or overexplain or over prove or, or overwork or just like worry about, , disappointing people.

And I got a story to tell you. So recently I had two men on the same day, uh, well same week slash day reach out to me, and they're both curious about my work, and both wanted my time, but neither wanted to pay for it. One wanted mentoring after seeing me speak at a local startup space here. He wanted mentoring in exchange for quote unquote skills development.

Okay. He's also like a performance coach. I was like, okay, whatever. You can still that I'm still, you can see that. I'm like still annoyed about it. The other one wanted a free trial workshop, uh, for a workshop that he said we would like do in the future, even though like he wanted me to come and do that free trial.

Workshop. And you know what, guys? I got angry. Like I got pissed off. I got annoyed. I got pissed off. I was like, Ugh, I, and then I went into my head about it. I was like, Ugh. First of all, what the hell? Second of all, no. And third of all, why are you asking? Um. I went into my head about it a thousand ways. I thought that, uh, maybe I should be, uh, maybe I had to be more clear about my authority or my establishment.

Maybe they weren't actually really asking, and I had just understood it that way. But I think, you know, like I knew, I know that that's what they were asking for. Like literally words were said. But I started doubting myself. Um. Yeah. And then I thought, you know, maybe I should be better at boundaries. And I was like, what the hell?

I've literally been practicing boundaries for a long time. I'm really good at boundaries and I'm also bold and assertive. So like this is not a me thing. Uh, so I. Went and I tried to like move the anchor. I, I could not even get myself to even like be in my body for 30 seconds. So I went to the research 'cause I knew that there was something going on underneath and I wanted some research.

So here's the research one, 200. 1 20 20 study dump. A-P-N-A-S found that women in professional settings are 44% more likely to be asked for non-pro promotable tasks like mentoring, note taking, or emotional labor. Another study in the American Economic Review showed that women are more likely to say yes to unpaid work.

Thanks to deeply ingrained social conditioning and being helpful and agreeable. I also found studies that said that women in helping in. Industries were asked more often than others, and I think it's important to really address the fact that these were older men asking for a me, a woman in a helping profession to.

Exchange in free or low paid labor. So I sent a, I wrote an email up and I sent it to church bt. And I said, make this sound a little bit less angry, but definitely still assertive. And I popped it off and I said, no, but here's the thing where it comes back to. The reason that I went spiraling in my head.

And the reason that you either spiral in your head as well, or you don't even notice where you are over giving or doing too much. You're having all the coffees, you're having all the conversations, you're sharing your, your vision, your expertise, when people aren't paying for it, you know, you could have a plant store and people will ask you for free information about plants.

You could be a coach and people could be asking for coaching on the side. That, that used to happen a lot with me. Uh. There's this underlying pattern around it. With that, when we are in that pattern, we allow it to keep going and we make our life just so much more difficult and we go into a lot of that spiraling, self-doubting, um, oh, it's not that bad.

Oh, I'll just say, yes. I'll just do this little bit and. So we, we can kind of relate that to imposter syndrome, right? There's a clear self doubt around it and we often relate imposter syndrome to not believing our worth. But I think it's really important to recognize that this isn't just some internal thing inside of your body.

It's reinforced by the expectations that are placed on us. And when we do not feel inclined to live to those expectations. It creates a discord and a dissonance and a discomfort that if we collapse into our normal patterning of our mind and brain and body, we go into that same pattern of wanting to prove our worth of doing a little bit extra, of being like, you know, like.

Proving working hard. You, you've felt that feeling before where you have to work twice as hard to be seen as competent when you take on extra work so that nobody questions your value when you say yes to an unpaid opportunity. Because deep down, some part of you believes that you need to, to just get ahead.

I'm not saying that everything has to be paid specifically in cash in one way. I, I'm not saying that, but I'm talking about the difference between. A clear and fair exchange for value, and this isn't some mindset problem. Yes, there are societal things that are going on that we can influence by the way that we behave and the standards that we set individually and then collectively, especially as females.

When a female nervous system is in a space where it perceives stress and pain, uh, might occur or I've or might be happening, you, you're gonna go into a fight response where you're over proving yourself like, oh yeah, I can totally do that. Like, of course, a flight response where you're avoiding an opportunity that would challenge you.

So, um, you know, I actually. One of these people I was invited to speak with and have like a coffee with to get to know. Then he invited me to do the workshop. Then it became clear that it was going to be for free. And if I was more in that flight response, I probably wouldn't have gone or would've delayed that coffee with that person because I was like, oh my God.

Like I know this could challenge me. Right? This is a very well respected individual in the community and like I maybe might care about what they think. Uh, a freeze where you get really stuck. You just kind of like, eh, nothing happens. Or fawn people pleasing automatically saying yes before you even think about it.

Particularly if you're an excitable individual like me. Oh my God, yeah, I can do that. Or if you're a projector in human design, you're like, yeah, there's the energy, but. Our nervous system, particularly a female's nervous system, is literally wired to make you more susceptible to overgiving. If you perceive a a threat or if you live more often in a chronic stress response with 90% of the population due.

So if you've ever felt like you should be grateful for the opportunity, even when it's unpaid, or you hesitate to charge more because you don't want to be seen as too much or you feel guilty for setting boundaries, it is not because you are lacking confidence and need to do more inner work. It is because your body is wired to keep you safe through acceptance, approval, and proving your value.

But there is a way out. The answer is not charge your worth or set better boundaries. These are helpful. But they do not stick in your nervous system if your nervous system still associates self-worth with overgiving charging your worth, not that you even can, or setting better boundaries. These are.

Natural expressions of what occur when you have really high sense of safe safety and worth in your body. It's what happens when you do something, which I call recording, returning to self. It's that version of you that is really embodied and knows your value, that trust that there's an abundance of opportunities available for you, that you can collaborate and it can feel like natural fun and play and not like self-sacrifice.

It's this part of you that knows that everything's always okay, and that generosity and overgiving are not the same. And you know exactly how much to give and how to give in a way that is overflowing and exactly when to stop when based on what you're feeling in your body. And just like a, a sense of knowing of like, ah, no.

No, like that's, that's too much. And what's really important to know is that this self, this, this core authentic self, this essence of you, it is at the core of who you are. It is always available, but there's this thing that occurs, which is that in order to get to it, our ego and all the fear-based, uh, patterns in our body, they kick up a storm, they throw a tantrum.

One of the ways that. That occurs is by really loud feelings and thoughts of self-doubt or intrusive thoughts, or imposter syndrome stuff, because a barrier to yourself, and it's showing up simply because it needs to be healed. It needs to be loved. I had a client, let's call them Maya because. I am not gonna say her actual name.

And she used to say yes to every single unpaid speaking invite that came her way, hoping that it would lead somewhere. 'cause it was a good opportunity, but it, it didn't, you know, I think it led to like one little thing. One little thing, one little thing, but nothing that really filled her up and she felt so drained.

One of the very first things that we addressed inside of the academy was this, and she made one simple shift, which was a decision making filter that include payment as a baseline requirement. And yeah, she was nervous and she was scared and she had fear come up around, well, what if I'm losing an opportunity or what if this means that I'll be Paul forever?

But within two months, she had more space in her calendar, of course, and she actually booked a four figure speaking gig. Like how freaking awesome is that? From that gig to aligned clients. But I think most importantly, she felt like her time was respected and she respected herself. She didn't just gain income.

Income is really wonderful. And she like, yes, I love that. It's actually really important. But she got her energy back. She got herself back. So here are some action steps for you and how you're gonna break the cycle. Number one, this is the most important. If you, if you don't do anything else, this is the one most important thing that I could share with you.

It's just a pause before you say yes to things. Notice your instinct to say yes. Breathe. Let your body settle. Notice what you feel in your body. And then respond. You can still say yes, but just start to build a baseline awareness of, ah, okay, what do different yeses feel like in my body? Number two, check in with your nervous system.

Are you playing saying yes from a place of excitement, of expansion or out of fear for, of being ungrateful, of being, um, difficult of, uh, what you might lose if you don't say yes. Third one, practice really small nos. If a big boundary feels scary, start small. Saying no to a quick favor this week would be a really good way.

Or you don't even have to say no, you can kind of like present an op, uh, alternative that would work better for you. Um. Number four, reframe that value. So that means that you're recognizing inside that your time and your knowledge and your skills and your experience are not nice to have. They're worth being compensated.

And here we can really go into a lot of the embodiment work around your around confidence. I'll share a little bit more about how to do that intersect. Five, surround your people. Surround yourself with people that honor your worth. The more you see others seeing your worth inside of you, the easier it becomes to see yourself.

This is why we have the group component to the academy because community is really frigging important. Get yourself some good people. If you need help doing that, come to the academy and I can help either, you know, in like you need it in the academy, but you also need it in your life. And so we can help with both.

And all of these steps are little moments and roadmaps that you can co start coming back to, like that self, that steady, wise part of you. Inside of my book, somatic Intelligence for Success, we have chapter six, and that's exactly what Chapter six is about. It's letting yourself come back to this home base.

From there, you can envision how you wanna navigate the balance between paid and unpaid work. Um. How you feel when you're valued or tolerated and, and what stories come up when you consider staying? No. There's a really lovely quote that I really like from chapter six. I'm gonna share it with you before I share about how to take this work even deeper.

You can't heal without the self, and that self isn't just a mindset. It is an embodied experience that knows your value, even when the world forgets it. Inside of the academy, we teach you how to work through all of these nuances so that your decisions come from alignment and not fear is where you reclaim your worth, redefine leadership, and build a business that honors your energy and earns what you truly are worth.

April's Masterclass is on overcoming imposter syndrome, the art, the spirit, and the science of it, of sharing your guests with the world. I hope to see you inside of it. I hope that if you have any questions, you are, you feel confident to send me a message with the Word Academy and we can get you in, sending you love, sending you care.

Speak to you soon.