A two letter word that we use potentially every day in some form, we often embrace the concept of saying “no” as being a powerful ally when we want to express dissatisfaction or displeasure in many situations. However, changing the way we approach this concept while still saying “no” may be helpful in the ways in which we handle a variety of daily interactions. This episode explores saying “yes” instead while still being able to say “no” at the same time, creating a unique way of how we form responses to our conversations.

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 43 of Speaking From the Heart.

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Today, we're going to talk about

something that is really personal, not

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only for just you, but me as well, and

that is being able to say the word: no.

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I know, I know, I know.

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It sounds so negative; saying

no does a lot of things.

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"No, I will not go to that job today."

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"No, I will not do that for you."

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"No, I cannot physically, mentally,

emotionally, socially do all these

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things that you're asking me to do."

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"No, no, no, no, no!", and yet, that

power of saying no can oftentimes be

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the ways in which we give ourselves

excuses to not do something.

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Now, I am not advocating in

this episode that I am saying

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that no should never be used.

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I think that there are times that you

have to say that two letter word in

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order for us to be able to have some

balance, to have some comfort, to be

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able to have boundaries for some of the

things that we often get ourselves into,

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whether that's personal relationships,

work relationships or projects that we

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have to do, or anything in between that

we need to take a step back and be able

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to work on some of the things that have

to be done first, but I feel that many

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times, as a culture, especially in the

United States, often use the word no to

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try to create some of this best version of

ourselves, in which we might be thinking,

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"Oh, if I just kept saying no to that

person, they will eventually go away."

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Does that sound familiar?

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You probably do that every time that

the salesperson that is calling you

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from the other end, especially from

another country, is trying to sell you a

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product or service that you don't need.

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Ever heard of your

car's extended warranty?

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I know I've got plenty of those calls,

and I know where the red button is on my

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phone to hang up, but I know that that

can be disturbing and also tedious to

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continuously say no, when you probably

don't even know why you're saying no

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in the first place, and that's really

what I'm talking about more today in

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this episode when it comes to why we

always say no instead of saying yes,

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but there are some conditions with my

yes, because we can look at the cup half

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full or we can look at it half empty.

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Can we be pessimistic or can we be

optimistic about the advantages and

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disadvantages of saying yes versus no,

and I think that we need to be able

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to express ourselves when we're trying

to say something that is of great

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dissatisfaction or displeasure in the

many types of situations that we face.

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For example, especially when we go to

the grocery store and if you ever use

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the self checkout line, you might be

faced with the question: do you want

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to donate to this charity and round

up your total to the nearest dollar so

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that you don't have to pay any cents?

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Believe it or not, that technology,

let alone that prompt, often times

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allows people to feel that they have

a sense of wanting to say, "Yes, I

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want to be able to help that charity",

or "No, I just want to keep the extra

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cents because the extra cents add

up", but even if you don't contribute

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to charity, or you do contribute to

charity, it doesn't change who you are.

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You might be doing it maybe once in a

while, because yeah, you're feeling pretty

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generous today, or no, you just can't

do it today, but maybe down the road,

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but I think that we need to take a step

back sometimes and see if we're always

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saying no, or if we're always saying

yes, that maybe, just maybe, there might

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be a bigger problem in our own lives.

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Perfect example of what I've been

through in my life includes always

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saying yes to every single thing

that was presented in front of me.

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Being able to say, "I want to be able

to do this because I want to be able to

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prove myself in your eyes; in front of

other people", or, always saying yes to

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the fact that I want to be able to do

X, Y, and Z, and not only do I want to

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prove you wrong that I can do it, but I

got other people that I want to show up

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so that I can let them know that they

passed over a good person, and that's why

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I'm going to say yes, but the power of

saying no helps you not just with those

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boundaries, not just with the ways in

which we're able to create some of those

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opportunities, those relationships, that

confidence in our life, it can change the

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approach and the ways in which we handle

a variety of different daily interactions.

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Think of it as almost a ticker.

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Every time that you put a tick mark

on the sheet of paper of the times

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that you say yes or no, which, if you

want to do that, even after listening

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to this episode, definitely do that.

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You might be surprised by how

many times that you say yes

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and no throughout the day.

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But you want to be able to understand

that there is always an opportunity

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to say yes, but also don't have that

negative connotation that goes alongside

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of it, and it means being able to

understand and provide, maybe not just

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an understanding of who you're talking

to, your audience, which I often talk

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about in my business with my clients

that are going through public speaking

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how do you frame that message so that

it has the effective emotional power

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and delivery, but you also want to

understand who you are exactly talking to.

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Will they be able to understand

the answer of yes or no?

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Will they be able to understand

whether those answers that you do

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provide are actually creating some

of those understandings of what

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you want to communicate to them?

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I think that we need to understand, as

a whole, that everybody is different,

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and the ways in which we process this

information, let alone the ways in which

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we process decision making in our own

lives, can have severe, rippling effects

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throughout many of the different types

of opportunities, discussions, maybe even

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participation within teams and sports,

and even social activities for that

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matter, simply because of the ways in

which we frame our yeses and no answers,

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but being able to express something that

is on your mind doesn't necessarily mean

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going to a thought process of having

to be angry all the time, which I know

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for much of my life I would often say

no to people, especially when there was

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an emotional reaction to it, because of

the way in which they presented it to

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me, and that was not just because of the

autism diagnosis I personally have been

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provided in my life, but it's also been

due to the fact that I've been let down

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so many different times in my own life

of thinking that this is always going to

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be the answer that I have to give because

of what I'm feeling and expressing to

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others that I had this default reaction

built in every time that prompt came up.

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Think of it as almost a social script,

which if you read about this in psychology

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books and other things, it's really about

having a framework for yourself in order

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to be able to communicate with a default

response; does that sound familiar?

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It might because it also sounds like

having a stereotypical response.

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Now, I don't want to go to that quite of

extreme, because for some people, having

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that social script helps them to provide a

level of comfort and also being energized

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to be able to say, "I know that things

are going to be okay if I just use this

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prompt", and some people, especially

with the way in which our brains operate,

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need to have that available to them so

that they don't have that response that

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comes back to them and says, "Yeah.

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I want to be able to have this

response, but I'm going to react in

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a very negative way as a result."

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I know that for many of us, we

often want to think that saying

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no can be a liberating feeling.

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But what if we were able to say, "Yes,

but there's a couple things that I want

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to discuss with you before I say yes."

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What if we start to say it that way,

as opposed to just saying flat out

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no, because think about the word no.

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Just a small little word in the English

language, which is translated into

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multiple languages, mostly being shorter

in sense, still has a powerful rippling

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effect that has caused civilizations, let

alone different tribes across the world

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to go to war over the word no, because

of something that is really a powerful

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word in itself, which could have been

framed in a completely different way.

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Even politicians, diplomats, have to

be careful of using the word no, which

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is why you often hear about this in the

news as not really the best response

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to give, but what if we're able to

say in our own lives, that yes, we are

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willing to help you out, or yes, I am

willing to give you that extra change

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I have in my pocket to that charity

of choice by just simply saying, "Yes,

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but I also want to say a couple things

about this so that you understand why

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I have some reservations or concerns."

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I know.

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Those are extra words and it means

spending extra time talking about those

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words, but the point of the matter is

this: we have lost sometimes in our ways

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of talking with others about the ability

to create not just the ways in which we

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can communicate with each other so that we

can fully appreciate and understand where

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we're coming from, but more importantly,

I feel that we have lost our way of

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being able to articulate, to be able to

establish points so that we know where

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that person, place, or thing is coming

from so that we're able to be prepared

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for what's yet to come, but having that

language, having that way in which we're

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able to talk to others, having that

ability to be able to conversate, be able

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to discuss why we have these different

points of view can certainly go a long way

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than just simply cutting the discussion

off by simply saying that two letter word.

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What if we use the three letter

word, and we're able to also use

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it in a way that allows us to have

a bigger, broader conversation

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about our differing viewpoints?

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Let's face it.

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We sometimes don't know where to

even start with that conversation and

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that's a whole other topic in itself

that maybe we'll explore in a future

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episode, but what I really want to

narrow on is the fact that sometimes we

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have this duty, this obligation, to be

able to protect ourselves, and I will

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always be an advocate for people that

have ever gone through such a terrible

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situation that they need to say no.

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There might be trauma behind it, there

might be reasons as to why, and they

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might not be completely forefront about

what those reasons are, and that doesn't

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mean that they're less of a person, nor

should we give ourselves an excuse to

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attack or discriminate against them.

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That is not the reason to be able to

use the word no and have these ways of

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saying that we need to be all powerful

or have the upper hand as often many

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leaders, even business leaders for

that matter, think that they need to

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always be on top of everyone else.

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That is never a good excuse to be able

to trample on other people and their

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viewpoints, because that has happened to

me time and time again: being fat shamed

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growing up, along with being harassed

about my speech impediment that I had

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growing up that I still struggle from

time to time with, let alone how I process

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things because of my autism diagnosis.

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That doesn't mean that I'm excusing that

I have all these things because what I'm

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doing in my own life, as even a coach for

that matter, is learning how to adapt and

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to grow into those different perspectives.

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That is what true understanding

of using the word yes means.

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Yes, I would love to help you, but I

have these things I'm working through,

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and I want you to just know what's

going on, so you might have a deeper

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appreciation of what I'm dealing with.

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If we're able to just understand what

that other person's viewpoint is, and

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be able to understand the ways in which

we can say yes to them, and engage

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them in a thoughtful conversation,

maybe we will be able to find our

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voice in this ever changing world,

because we have been able to do that

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for hundreds, even thousands of years.

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Sometimes it takes hundreds and thousands

of years to be able to get to that table

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and usually generations have to go by

before we ever get to sit down to have

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that conversation, but there's one big

catch that's happened in the last 30

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years of our lives, and that has been

the rise of information technology.

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We can use that power that we have

now been able to harvest for good or

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for bad, and I oftentimes see, even

on Facebook, even on LinkedIn, even

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on X, formerly known as Twitter, about

all these different groups of people

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that want to antagonize and even

disrespect others because they want

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to say no, and they want to be heard

as the loudest no in the room, but you

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know what the problem is with that?

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They never said yes, but I have some

concerns that I want to state as well.

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We are all guilty of it, and it doesn't

matter what your political affiliation is.

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It doesn't matter what you come

from as a cultural background.

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It doesn't matter what

your social standing is.

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All those things, even all the

rights that we have in this world.

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doesn't excuse the fact that we can be

stuck in this bubble; this stereotypical

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bubble, that we have to break the cycle

in order to create some of the things

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in our lives that we truly want to seek

out, but it all starts with being able to

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say to ourselves that we want to change

the discussion, and we can do that.

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We each have that power

to be able to do that.

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We are capable of being able to change

that two letter word into a three

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letter word and being able to voice

what's on our mind, because we can

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say yes instead of always saying no.

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We can create a way in which we can

provide value and inspiration to others.

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We can help each other create the best

opportunities that we ever sought in

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our life, but it means being able to

be respectful, and to be able to get

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to the other side of that conversation

that we're going through no matter what

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that other person, or place, or that

thing is trying to say to us, because

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here's the deal: we are not just using

our voice for good, but we can use our

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voice for evil, and we need to learn

to step away from that evil side of us.

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We have the ability to not just

express our dissatisfaction and

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our displeasure by simply using the

nonverbal tools that our ancestors

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used that created some of the biggest

wars, let alone some of the biggest

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disagreements that human history has had.

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We do have the power of saying yes, and

I want to say yes to you, because you are

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worthy of having that yes in your life.

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I want to be able to say to you that

you can inject that personal touch of

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positivity that is desperately needed

because you're worth it, and I think you

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are worth saying yes to, even if I might

have some disagreements along the way,

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and I am okay with that, as long as you're

willing to open your mouth, to open your

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mind, and to open your soul, because

if you're able to do that, the power of

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yes will always win, every single time.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 43 of Speaking From the

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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Visit us at www.

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yourspeakingvoice.

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create the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.