OUR HOSTS: 

Corinne Foxx - @corinnefoxx

Natalie McMillan - @nataliemcm and @shopnataliemcmillan 

What we're drinking: Artadi Viñas de Gain 2018 

TOPIC: 

Whether it’s your partner, friend, family member or job, breaking up can be hard to do. On today’s episode, we’re explaining the science behind breakups and sharing some tips and tricks for how to make peace and move on. We share the top eight broad causes of most breakups and the best ways to say thank you, next to a relationship that no longer serves you. So before you start texting your ex or have post-parting regrets, listen to this episode and hear our take on breakups! 

In this episode, we discuss:

• Why breakups can feel physically painful
• The best way to initiate a breakup 
• Ways to express the feelings and emotions of a breakup 
• Ideas for what you can do to get over a breakup 
• Why we need to stop pretending like we’re going to be friends with our exes 
• To rebound, or not to rebound? 
• How to tell if you’ve moved on from somebody 

END OF THE SHOW: 

Corinne and Natalie introduce Hottie of the Week: Ariana Grande

WINE RATING:

Artadi Viñas de Gain 2018  = 1 / Ariana Grande

WRAP UP:

To wrap up the episode, we answer emails for our Random Advice segment! We got two emails from international listeners who want advice about relocating from their home countries. Corinne shares her London study abroad experience and what she learned from that time in her life. We also talk about what to do when the people around you don’t support your dreams, how to go about building your life in a new country and ways to stand out when applying for a job. 

We have a brand new newsletter for our Am I community. You can sign up for the newsletter on our website: amidoingthisrightpod.com

You can email us for episode ideas or Random Advice: amidoingthisrightpod@gmail.com

Follow us on Instagram: @amidoingthisrightpod 

Don't forget to rate and review the podcast! It really helps us grow!

[00:00:08] Natalie McMillan: And I'm Natalie McMillan.

[00:00:19] Natalie McMillan: And each week we cover a new topic and we drink a new bottle of wine.

[00:00:30] Natalie McMillan: I don't know. It's been a long day

And thank you next that.

[00:00:57] Corinne Foxx: a lot of breakups, different versions of breakups, the jobs

[00:01:06] Corinne Foxx: is for you too. This is for you too. And at the end of the episode, we're doing our, or finally bring it back, find random advice.

We have some great questions that you guys wrote in. We're going to answer at the end of this episode that I'm very excited about, but not first, let's get into the vena that we are drinking on the episodes. Okay. We

Um, it's a red wine. It's a 2018 and it's in a different language. I think it's from Spain, from Spain. Okay.

[00:01:51] Natalie McMillan: the rest of the labels. Oh, she just, she literally was shook half. I was just, I just truly, Ooh. Oh my goodness.

What? That's what I'm saying.

[00:02:10] Natalie McMillan: Okay. I'm a need to break up with this fucking wine. We

Was he the best boy? Yes. If you guys know Archie's my puppy, he's eight months old and we went on a four teen hour. Road trip. And he did Fabby. He was drugged. Yeah. He kinda got it. It was Benadryl or some CBD thing. He was out of it.

[00:02:54] Corinne Foxx: he sent the puppy.

He just has

[00:02:58] Corinne Foxx: He did so good. I'm really happy for you because you were even a lot of

[00:03:09] Corinne Foxx: I'm not going to lie to you. So you said that and I thought, well, I'll just Google it. And I was like, oh shit.

She does have a

[00:03:21] Corinne Foxx: on the internet. And I was like, I won't bring those up.

Especially when they're cause he's old too. So he has no little tepes anymore. Oh yeah. You said there's like one tooth. Um, how does he eat? Oh, he's acting like there's nothing ever happened. He's just like chowing down. Are you nervous? Are going to choke? It's like a normal, I mean, he's just eating like normal, but I'm like, how do your gums not hurt?

Oh, he's just, he's just

[00:04:03] Natalie McMillan: back to normal. He was chewing on a gun. Yeah. Oh, wow. I was like, okay. Okay, go ahead. Go off. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go

[00:04:16] Natalie McMillan: He's totally fine. Happy that Archie didn't have to break up with Archie because he drove yet.

Fuke and crazy.

[00:04:36] Natalie McMillan: for sure. Somebody, at least one

I don't know. The divorce rate now is so high. I mean, it just seems like at some points. But even if it's, you know, not a relationship, a romantic partner, it could be, we were saying like a friend, a family member, you know, people do leave our lives. I think we need to understand how we move on how we make peace.

Even if it's something that I've been a long time ago. Sometimes it's like things like. Yeah, and I love to start every up and we love to start every episode with this line. There is science behind breakups. So now can you explain the science

So a breakup in turn can be experienced the same way. Injury

[00:05:41] Natalie McMillan: painful. Yes. So when you break your arm, your brain decides how distressing the event is and prompts and appropriate behavioral response. And the same neural circuitry may be ignited when the brain processes emotional strife.

Yes. So meanwhile, experiments using functional magnetic imaging suggests simply seeing a photograph. Of a romantic partner who importantly has rejected you and you continue to love them all the same, that activates parts of the brain associated with craving gains and losses and emotional regulation.

[00:06:25] Natalie McMillan: punch or like you hit the store. Like the next story. And for some reason I'm

[00:06:34] Natalie McMillan: Yes. So experimental research using functional magnetic resonance imaging, an F MRI found that a region of the brain called the anterior. Cyn Gillet cortex. Wow.

[00:06:47] Natalie McMillan: impressive. The, or the ACC is activated when participants experienced physical pain, but also when they felt rejected. So if you feel like you're going to die after a breakup was very real pain,

And it's very valid to very

[00:07:09] Corinne Foxx: does this happen? Interesting. So among people who experienced a breakup most have been on both sides of the equation. So 70% have been the one to end the relationship while 75% say that they had a partner and a relationship.

Them women 30% are more than twice as likely as men, 12% to say, however that they have never been broken up with. Oh, okay. Ladies, we love you lady. Yeah. So, so this is interesting. So research suggests that most breakups have one and eight broad causes. Okay. So these are the eight causes a desire for more autonomy.

That would be me. It a lack of shared interests or character traits, a lack of support, a lack of openness, a lack of loyalty. A lack of time spent together a lack of fairness or a lack of. Simple romance romance. Yeah. And interestingly for women, not, you're not off a desire for autonomy is one of the main reasons for a split.

That makes

[00:08:17] Corinne Foxx: you know, like there's also research. I heard once that like married women. Are less happy than married men. Like once men are married, they're like, we're cool. I, you know, and then women always

Makes sense.

Women say that they get broken up with less than men do. Cause you know, not be trippin. We got to go, come on. We got to go. So if you just broke up now, Now what, what do you, what can you expect? Okay.

Shock denial, grief, rejection, pain, betrayal, fear, even embarrassment and sadness. Of course, of course, some people feel as though their world has turned upside down and that things will never be good. Again, many people feel restless, they lose their appetite, have less motivation or energy to do things, and it might be tempting to try and get over a breakup really quickly.

But it does take a bit of time work and you need that support and we're here to

Through and the only way, yes. The only way to get over a breakup as with any other suffering we experience in life is to fully go through it. Yeah. So that means we need to feel and express the pain. You can do that through journaling, talking to your friends, talking with therapists, talking to a therapist.

Meaning, meaning that's the winning answer guys, but you need to give yourself time to grieve and acknowledge the, her, and don't put yourself on a timeline, everyone grieves in their own ways. They don't blame herself. If you feel like you're taking too long or even if you move on quote unquote too fast.

[00:10:56] Corinne Foxx: But it's stupid. Cause I feel like dudes

[00:11:04] Corinne Foxx: Sorry. It's every man. I'm not. Okay. So what are some things you can do to get over a breakup after you've talked to said, therapists?

Yeah.

[00:11:27] Corinne Foxx: get back to them.

Yeah. And you get really consumed in relationships and like you do so many things together. It's easy to put off or just stop doing things. Oh my gosh. I used to do that

[00:11:50] Corinne Foxx: just that.

We love like a gal pal party. Yeah. And it's not like, I don't

Let's let's go ahead and potentially. The number, you know, a post breakup friendship. It may well happen in time, but time is the key word. Very few exes make a seamless transition into friendship immediately. And if you think you've done it, just see what happens when they. Dating somebody new. Right?

Are you guys actually friends? And then they like get a new girlfriend and you're like, I'm like, oh my God. His

Wow. Hung up on them.

So I have to see him a lot. And I don't mind you. We're on great terms. We're super friendly. I'm very excited for everything going on in his life. That's

[00:13:30] Corinne Foxx: We're totally friendly.

But like, if we didn't have our friend group, we would never see each other. Maybe, maybe we'd check in. I don't know, maybe, but like, It's more that we have friends and we go to things and we're so nice around each other, but right. We're not friends.

No, no,

You guys, I have done this with every single one of my breakups and not that I have. Anger towards them, but you had a lot of pent-up energy. And when you get on that boxing bag, you can let it all out. It feels so good. And there's actually science behind it. Exercise helps your body get a shot of mood, lifting, endorphins and serotonin, and you can listen to a little breakup playlist.

So empowering, yes. Highly req a boxing class, or just exercise in general, if you don't love boxing, but if you can. Yeah, shit. Another thing like I just said is to make a breakup playlist music has a powerful effect on mood, which is why the breakup mix is a key part of your post partying toolkit. When you find yourself adrift in eight churning, sea of emotion, while driving to work or rage cleaning your apartment, which.

I raged leverage cleaning. Let the breakup playlist be your constant. Why not? And when I was going through my last breakup, Ariana Grande had the best timing on that is our immigrant day. It released her position's album. Next was like the single. And when I tell you that was being Anthem, it was thank you next.

And it was all about gratitude for her. I'm so grateful for my app. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I loved.

[00:15:28] Corinne Foxx: highly rock. Thank you. Next on your breakup playlist. Another thing you can do is to travel and explore new places. Enter a new space by exploring a new location, and it doesn't have to be.

Eat, pray, love style, solo trip. Either start by switching up your, your route home or check out a restaurant. The two of you never went to like start making your own memories without them. And very famously. I bring it up all the time, but, uh, if you guys don't know, I right after my breakup, I went to Costa Rica by myself and I thought I was going there to just like be on my own for the first time and learn to be alone and learn to love being alone.

But really I went, ended up going through. Other things and traumas that I didn't even know I had, I was like, oh my God, this is a lot. So I highly wrecked that I had such a transformative time in Costa Rica by myself, but it doesn't have to be that lavish. It can just be going somewhere new in your city.

And she gives that assignment to all of her clients who are working on healing from heartbreak that helps you break up your usual routine. And get away from the places that you'd always go with your

You're going. You're like, there's my act. You

You can refer back to it whenever you start thinking they were so perfect. Cause everybody likes to go

[00:17:25] Natalie McMillan: for sure. Yeah. And it's very natural to idealize the person and the relationship, but keeping the qualities that drive you. Uh, batshit Cresa, they'll help you take off the rose colored glasses when seeking a new

Yes. And I think that list can help you from the drunk Texas, the late night tax, but you know, like all of that stuff, if, instead of like going yeah. Instead of going to text them, it's like, let me open this list up first. Also don't forget back up

[00:17:59] Corinne Foxx: Yeah. You should just delete that.

Yeah, you should, because then that really leaves, you know, their

[00:18:08] Corinne Foxx: think the list is a really good deterrent from any like rekindling, if it's not a relationship that should be rekindled.

[00:18:20] Corinne Foxx: Yeah. That's a thing to rebound or not to rebound. Well, there is actual definition for. Rebounds. Okay. So a rebound is a relationship that starts before feelings about a previous relationship are over or before. Quote unquote closure over a previous relationship and empirical investigation into rebound relationships published in 2015 in the journal of social and personal relationships called too fast too soon is one of the few recent research studies on rebound

Oh my gosh.

Okay. Cause you know, my last

[00:19:14] Corinne Foxx: But Hey, but it also indicates that people who entered into new relationships, the quickest, we're more likely to have greater levels of respect for their new partner. Oh. And we're also found to compare their new partner to their ex more than people who look longer into a new relationship.

Okay. So there's a lot of comparison E yeah. Okay. So, but that's normal. So science supports that rebound relationships can be beneficial in dealing with getting over an ex, but it leads to the assumption that a rebound is only as good as its ability to be the same or better than your ex. So the key and knowing if a rebound is beneficial or detrimental to you is to ask yourself, this question is the rebound better than your ex in any way, physically or

So if the answer is no, that. No, no, no,

[00:20:08] Natalie McMillan: dude. And you're like, well, I'm just going to get with them basically, because I'm mad. But actually in my head, I think like my ex is like hotter and nicer and

And also I would never get with him unless I was like in this, in this head space. Like, if it's just like, oh, this person's hot. Hotter hotter or treating me better then? Yes .

[00:20:35] Corinne Foxx: Well, let's take a step back. Yeah. Well, the thing is we're not lowering our standards for a rebound that, no, that is the lesson.

That's the lesson there. I love what we're supporting rebounds though. I loved my little rebounds. Why not? Sorry about it. Um, but even if you do do a rebound, sometimes it takes you a while to get over somebody. So why does it take some people longer to get over a breakup map?

Wasn't your idea? So if it wasn't a mutual split, the dumper will obviously move on faster than the dumpy. Don't be. I know. The victim,

someone who had no idea, a breakup was coming no matter who initiated it will likely take longer to get over

[00:21:35] Natalie McMillan: and the other person.

Another reason is you were really invested. If you really thought the relationship was going to be a longterm thing before it ended, it'll likely be harder for you to get over your feelings and attachment for that person. Yeah. I think obviously here, cheating fair, not acceptable, not acceptable, but so not only are you getting over someone you love, you're also having to simultaneously process the fact that someone you love consciously chose to hurt.

So that's a tough one. That's a tough one. And then lastly, you don't actually want to get over them often. People who struggle to let go may feel that there's was the perfect relationship that no one out there can compare. So they'd rather sustain the relationship in their heads then to confront the painful reality that it no longer exists.

[00:22:27] Natalie McMillan: we're going to open up your phone. We're going to look at the list and be like, oh yeah, forgot that I hated the way they choose. So how do we know? If we've officially moved on from somebody,

And when you can look back on the breakup in a more existential way, acknowledging the impact that relationship had on your life and looking at it as it as a stepping stone to where you are now. So psychotherapists Hilda Burke said that I had one client who told me the turning point was his ex not being the first thing that popped into his head when.

Oh, another client was able to play a certain album. Again, one that she had listened to a lot with her ex and be able to enjoy it. It's more of a felt sense rather than like an external marker, like when you're not having those emotional reactions to the thought of them or things that remind you of them and you can like enjoy it without like being like,

Right. Yeah. It was like, oh, okay,

I have no idea what they're doing and I don't care.

[00:23:47] Corinne Foxx: That's how you, that's, how you get over a breakup. Yeah. So we hope that you guys learned more about the science of breakups, some tips and tricks for getting over a breakup and how to make peace with your breakup and move on how

Next that, yeah.

[00:24:10] Natalie McMillan: This is where I was. Ooh, this is the R Tati Venus de gone. I'm going to say it's dag-gone or Tayga. I don't know if it's a silent N or not, but it is a 2018 and our Hottie,

[00:24:27] Natalie McMillan: miss Arianna Grande. Slam your glass. I really didn't mean to, I think in my head, I thought it had a stem

Yes. It's art or grounded. The queen of breakups. She has the best breakup album. She's been through a lot of them, you know, Pete Davidson. Ooh. Okay. And that wine. Okay. So one near miss Ari. Can I give it

If I got this at a restaurant,

[00:25:03] Natalie McMillan: absolutely. Yes I would. And we never send anything back. It

[00:25:14] Natalie McMillan: it back. I'm looking at the list of all the things I hate about.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm not finding a redeeming quality here. Is it a one or

[00:25:32] Natalie McMillan: was. I can't say we recommend it. Oh, I cannot.

We will not be tagging them in our story this week. Not Saturday.

[00:25:41] Natalie McMillan: that that would be really mean it'd be really meaningful. Yeah, we're not petty. We're not petty.

It says, hi, Kurt. I've been listening to your podcast a lot recently, it helped me in so many aspects of my life as a 22 year old from the Philippines. I've been planning to study abroad in two years, perhaps in London or Paris. I also want to live there afterwards, wherever I end up studying. I want to take up fashion school and make a living out of it.

But I can't help wondering that when I set out to do it all over. What I be doing it, right. So I would love to hear your non-expert opinions on how to go about providing for oneself to study abroad and to be responsible about making a life away from your home country, which you've never done before as a baby adult, sincerely hoping for your advice, insights, and experiences, always excited for your episodes.

Wow. Okay. First of all, I love you so much. We love you. We

[00:27:01] Corinne Foxx: anonymous and we love, we love you and well, this is great for you. You studied abroad. So I studied abroad in London and first of all, let me just tell you right now, it was the best six months of my life. And I stand by that.

I was the most free. I felt the most connected. And if you're feeling like you have to go somewhere. Got it because your soul is calling you. They're a good thing to start thinking about before going to another country and living there is starting to learn ahead of time about their transportation system.

Start figuring out like how you're going to move around what areas are good, because I think, you know, you're going to be out of your element and you kind of want to do some research ahead of time, which I'm sure you're going to do. And in terms of like making a life for yourself away from your home country, I think joining.

Groups clubs if you're studying, like at the school that I was in, I was in, oh my God. I was in this class about, um, ghosts. It, it was paranormal activity. What's the class you took this class. Yeah. And so every lesson was like a straw. It wasn't paranormal. It was supernatural. It was supernatural science class.

So each year, and it was, but yeah. Around a bunch of like-minded people who are interested in astrology. We had, we did a course on goes, so we did, it was really fun. And I think finding people, finding groups of people that have similar interests to you is going to be really helpful in, um, making friends.

Yeah. And the

Not only like get around better, but also communicate with people. You know, like if I

[00:29:20] Natalie McMillan: You'd feel more comfortable.

Cause also if you're in like, or let's say you even go to like a yoga class and you're like, oh, maybe I'll just like talk to this person. If you can just very easily talk, you don't have to be like, oh,

I can

[00:29:42] Corinne Foxx: I could try. Yeah, I can totally try. Well, I hope that was helpful. I'm so excited when you let us know where you end up going and we have. Lately completely support you. And I'm so excited studying abroad, truly. It was the best experience of my life.

Love it.

[00:30:10] Corinne Foxx: 22 year old.

And since I heard about it for the first time and I am in love and we love you, and we love you. I heard the section at the end where you give advice to listeners, hence this email. Okay. I always had a love for the U S I can't explain exactly why, but it is a known fact about me. When I graduate in June, I would love to go to the U S to find a job and start my career.

First. I wanted to go to college there, but that is way too expensive. Oh,

[00:30:49] Natalie McMillan: Yeah. It's like criminal, honestly, how expensive it is. So finding a job is the next best thing. But whenever I share this dream with people in my environment, I always have to explain myself and the decision to do this.

I always say that it is a feeling I have that I have to do this. And if I don't, I know for certain I will regret it, but I still feel judged unsupported and. Miss understood. My stressy side also does not help thinking about the whole process of finding a job, which I heard is really difficult as an outsider and moving on my own.

So I would love to hear your advice on how to deal with the judgment and feeling of having to explain myself and also about how you would go about finding a job and what I should consider putting in a motivation letter, along with my resume, that will make me stand out.

Cause that's what our really makes

[00:32:05] Corinne Foxx: do it also too, to go off saying that like your friends and family are not very supportive.

What I've come to find is that when people are scared to follow their own dreams and have limitations for themselves, they often can not support somebody who is living there. That maybe it's not that they want to move to the U S it's that, oh, they've always wanted to be a painter and they never got the courage.

Like sometimes seeing someone be courageous in their desires and also speak about them very passionately and confidently intimidates people. So my, my intuition says that it's not about you and it's absolutely a hundred percent about them and them feeling like, well, I never. My dreams never came to here.

I never went for my dream. I always had a passion to do something and I didn't follow it. So why does you know, why does she make to, and it's probably not even conscious. It's probably know,

And I'm just a little concerned it's because there it's fear,

[00:33:16] Natalie McMillan: your life is yours. Ms.

I'm sure they love you. And they don't, you know, want their friend to not be around anymore. But if you, like, we're saying, if you're going to regret it, you have to go for it. In terms of the visa stuff, the. I know it's incredibly difficult in the U S but the only experience I have with it is my French teacher.

She is she's British actually, but she moved here, um, on a, on a school visa, but then she just got her green card and it was a bit of a nightmare, I will say. So I guess I would think that getting a work visa would be your best bet. So whatever industry you're in, maybe in your motivation letter, talking about.

How you can grow and learn and support the American industry that if you're into the Alaska was into fashion or you're into this or whatever, I think that would be a big appeal for your application.

Different from everybody else. That is what will make you stand out. And

Yes you, and as we always say, it's already,

[00:35:18] Corinne Foxx: No, we would love to meet her. Am I? So if you ended up moving to LA, let us know, we will meet up with you.

We'll get some lunch with you and give you. Oh, yeah, actually I do think you guys have a higher happiness rate than we do probably over here. Girl, come on over here. If you guys have something going on in your life that you want advice on, you can email us at, am I doing this right pot@gmail.com and we will give you our free random advice.

Um,

[00:35:48] Corinne Foxx: no, not, not on unsolicited too. And I was like, it's free. Also, we have a really fun mailing list. If you guys don't want to miss an episode, you can go to, am I doing this right? pod.com sign up for it. It's one email a week. It's simple. It's fun. It's QT. Yep. It's always a good time. And if you've got

[00:36:07] Corinne Foxx: Yeah. This is a good, happy for that.

[00:36:13] Corinne Foxx: free. This one's for you. All right, we'll be back next week with another episode. Love you guys. Love you.