The Narcissist can be so charming and sneaky, you don't even know you're in the trauma bond until they have you wrapped around your little finger.
It's my mission to educate you on the signs you and your children don't fall for their tricks anymore. In this episode I share 50 Signs You May Be Dating a Narcissist.
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56. 50 Signs You May be Dealing with a Narcissist
Number two, they look longingly into your eyes. Number three is they sweep you off your feet and they take you on travels of grandeur. Number four is they have very strong opinions about how people should look and behave in the world. Number six is they play the violin story. They're the victim or they've had multiple bad relationships and it was never their fault.
When conflict arises, they start to push the blame on you and they don't hold space for your emotions, and they criticize and nitpick and never apologize. How about some more? Number eight is they are incessantly texting you. They never leave your phone alone, and it's. Be mindful out there and keep your unique light shining.
I'm Raven Scott. Follow and subscribe.[:
a trauma informed spiritual mentor, certified meditation teacher, and human design expert. I'm empowering empaths three times a week in recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma through human design, self-care, mindfulness advice, and expert interviews. This is season five
Episode 24 50 signs. You may be dating a narcissist.
So today is.
A highly requested topic. Where I go through. 50 signs that you may be dating a narcissist. And the reason this is important is to always make sure we're learning from our lessons. We are seeing the signs. And to share with others. I think the reason , a lot of us fall into the trap.
Of being conned by the narcissist is. We're just very kind, kind hearted and open and don't realize, and maybe. Probably 90, 80% of us were not taught. That there are people. Who act like they're kind, but they're not. And actually I remember hearing as a child, you know, there are wolves in sheep's clothing.
But I didn't know the signs, like, all I knew was to watch out for a Wolf in sheep's clothing, but I didn't know what that looked like. So I think this is why it's really important to always talk about. The signs. The attitudes. And even though it may feel like a reiteration to all of us, Um, to some of you it's new. So this is why I'm sharing.
Number one is he, or she will always define the terms. What does that mean? You were always going to go along with whatever they want. Right? It's their agenda. It's their way. They have the terms all drawn out of how something's going to go, how someone should be. I remember mine always defining the terms of what a.
Sophisticated woman should look like and how she should act. And it's like that stupid song. It's like some rap song. A lady in the street, but a freak in the bed. I mean that doesn't need to be literal. Like that is not how everyone should be, but that was like, for instance, an example of mine, it was like this unspoken and then it was spoken terms. So watch out for a relationship that you're in, if you were always going along and they're always defining how things should be.
Versus asking you, right. It should be , a two way street. Number two is you will live by a set of double standards. Uh, Narcis will always say something. Or profess that something should be this way. But then they don't actually fall through their actions and. There is hypocrisy. Left and right. Blasting you in the face. Their actions never line up with their words.
Number three. Nothing is his or her fault. They never take responsibility. It's never their fault. Every situation and argument is turned towards you. Every time you try and express your emotions. It turns into an argument and you're kind of caught off guard going, wait a second. I'm trying to be vulnerable and have a relationship with you.
And share with you how I feel versus them turning it onto you. And not ever accepting any fault. Number four is you feel that something is very wrong in your relationship, but you can't grasp it. This is a hard one. Cause you, you justify lots of different things away and you see the good in them. You see the goodness situation, you see the hope.
You are promised things that never followed through on that's called a future faking. They. Promise you a vacation, let's say for instance, again, another specific example from personal experience, a vacation has promised it's booked. All it says is booked. Who knows if it was booked. And then you do something to displease them.
They make everything your fault. And then they remove. That vacation from you. Was it ever. Uh, created who knows, right. Future faking. Number five, he or she will never resolve a conflict as a result. They will continue to repeat. Because they don't take responsibility. Nothing is ever resolved because they're not going to take the actions.
Are necessary to fix anything, to resolve a conflict, to change a pattern. And so the cycle repeats, and this is the trauma bonding cycle. You can learn more about seven warning signs of trauma bonded relationship. And The five episode seven.
Number six is you feel anxious when you are around him or her? Another great example of feeling anxious and you're not really aware of the anxiety because there's good times mixed in with the bad. Is with our guest Ashley. Levitch.
In season five, episode 18, escaping the narcissist while we just don't see the signs of manipulation. She shared with us that every time her ex would come home from work. She would immediately. Scurry to the closet and be like fake folding laundry. Cause she felt safe in the closet. And for some off.
Just like a feeling of unease. She just felt like she had to panic and go into the closet. Now, this is developed through your nervous system, trying to protect you because the narcissist has, again, this trauma bond where they're criticizing. There's. , stress. And you feel like you're walking around on eggshells all the time, because you don't know what's going to set them off because it's not, you who's causing the rage inside them. They have their own rage. So it's like, you're always around this ticking time bomb. So when they come home or when you're around them,
You feel anxious because they're very unpredictable. Number seven, he or she will rarely consider your feelings.
And we'll only do so if it serves them for a purpose, So, whatever they're getting out of it, . They will dote on you. This is a great one in. Season five.
Episode 11 confessions of a narcissist part two. Why they ruin your birthday? This is exactly why. So he shares with us as a conscious narcissist, our guests, Leon Walker. That he would consider their feelings or he would do something for their birthday. As a great gesture own leader show off because it's served him for the public to see how great of a, a partner he was or how successful he was. And he, you know, makes money like all the things to hide their insecurity.
Outward appearances. They do that. To make themselves. Look good. And it's never really about caring truly for the other person for you at heart. Not because they love you. They want to do something for your birthday. It's because of a selfish intent. And this is the hardest thing to grapple with because on the outside it feels like they're really doing it to love you.
I remember. At one point when, after we were married, it was really Rocky. , he set up a subscription. To send me flowers to work. Every month. So, what it did for him is it showed that. He was putting effort into the relationship, which he only did a 32nd effort where he booked. The subscription and then didn't think about it afterwards. And it automatically sent me flowers, but at work it made him look like he was a romantic that he cared about me and that he loved me. And to me, it showed every month and reminded me to keep me bonded to him that he cared about me and that he loved me.
But in hindsight, it took like a. One minute thing for him to look good versus actually address the problems we had at home. It was just another band-aid. Number eight. He, or she will never apologize in an authentic way. That acknowledges his or her behavior or you're suffering. So if there's an apology, it is I'm sorry. You feel like that pushing the blame back onto you, that they didn't do anything wrong.
That's like the worst covert narcissistic phrase to ever say, cause you hear an apology and you're like, oh, they apologize. But it's a, I'm sorry you feel that way. Not taking ownership. Number nine, what will matter most to him or her is how he or she appears to others. Like I just said. Everything.
Is an outward show. To hide and mask their trauma and insecurities. They don't want to do any self-improvement. They don't want to do , any inward thinking growth mindset is not a part of their forte. It's all about masking and charading. And that's the way they get through life. Number 10, he or she will ruin the majority of your birthdays. And holidays just mentioned that.
Yes, because what happens is they don't really want to be there. So they'll put the front and maybe by use this or throw a party here, but then they're like watching the clock and I'm like, I don't really want to be here. I want to go. Be doing whatever their vice on a gambling out, it'd be watching.
Porn or whatever they want to do. And so they'll orchestrate a way to ruin the party. So that they can. I'm on can go home and they can get out of it. Or a holiday. Holidays. It's, you know, it's not about. Giving and love and family to them. It's about that. Perfect. Norman Rockwell scenario. And it doesn't really matter if they include everybody, they just want their perfect picture. They just want what they want in their own terms.
And it can really throw all of us empaths under the bus. The holidays and birthdays are the hardest times of the year. For us empaths.
Number 11, the other part of this is during them ruining an event or holiday or birthday. Is, and this happens even day to day. What happens is for them to cause a fight. They become. Reserved. Their body language changes us. And. No this, so they, we see that they're upset. Or they're , resentful about something.
They do this.
Number one because they're jealous. They, attention's not on them. And this event. That is about you and it's celebrating you. They can't handle it because their self-esteem and self-worth is like, Like a size of an ant. So they have to be jealous and become very stolen and retrieved. In order to get your attention and to get the attention off of you onto them, right. They play the victim to get the attention.
Number 12, he or she will not show up for you. At times when you need a partner in the most and will be rageful, if you are upset about it and you. Our 100% right. To be upset about it. But they will rage. So they don't take the responsibility and they don't have to hold space for you. Uh, so many times countless times, again, I've heard.
That people were in the hospital or their child was in a hospital. And the narcissist doesn't show up. They don't care. They don't come and ask how you're doing or bring you flowers or visit you in the hospital. And it could also be you being sick at home. The narcissist doesn't reach out. They don't care.
And. If you call them out on it. They'll deflect it. And the rage is just a mirror, a deflection. So they don't. Have to say you're right. I don't care about you.
Number 13, you will be continually criticized. Nothing is good enough. It's an insatiable need for supply.
Always always. And I would say also it's more of a control thing. You know, the control is there drug. They love to control. So the more they criticize. The more they have to you're pivoting on your toes and changing. They just love it. They just laughing inside. Number 14. Your expectations will be managed down to mere crumbs to the point that you will be happy just because he or she isn't giving you the silent treatment or yelling at you.
This is part of that trauma bond cycle.
The future faking all of the. Smoke and mirrors. The act is what they promise you. And they give you those moments where they really give you what you need, they know your deepest desires, so they will promise you your deepest desires so that you stay. And then to the point of where you're like, oh my God, I'm just so glad that.
You know, he may be sitting on the couch, not contributing to the household and not listening to my emotions. But I'm grateful for that because he's not yelling at me. Or he's talking to me and he's in a good mood and I don't feel anxiety in my body.
When you've gotten to that point. You need to reevaluate. Why are you there? And.
Do the mental growth that you need to do to break free? From that prison.
Number 15, he or she will threaten to leave the relationship. In a cold and callous tone. Because they have whittled you down so much with their criticism. I've cut you down. They have conditioned your brain and your nervous system. That you feel like you will. Be lost. And cannot live without them.
So then they threatened to leave the relationship. If you are not doing something they wish, or you have gotten a bit of a backbone and called them out on something. And then you retract and you say no, no, nevermind. You're right. Just so that they don't. Ignite your deepest, darkest fears.
Number 16. Beyond the initial stages of dating, he or she will make no effort to befriend your friends or family, . Unless knowing them benefits him in some way. Yeah, unless they can control you through the family members. So they really don't care. At all. Mine. Took a look at my parents one, one moment and said, Nope, not having it, not going there.
Not that he was ever going to try, but, you know, he gave it a one-shot and then said, no, No effort. To connect. And again, this was my first boyfriend. So to all of you, moms who have teens out there tell you teens. The whole old fashion thing that I balked and I rebelled against that he should come to the door.
It is so true because he actually cares about you and makes an effort to come to your door. He's a gentlemen. He's pretty much just a self-serving a-hole if he just sits in his car and honks and you run out to him. So. Please don't be a re a rebel in that regard be a rebel in other social justices, but yes, a man should always come to your door, especially if you're a teen to your parent's store, to your own doors and adult.
Right. Like open the car door for you all the old fashioned things. Those just show that they care about you as a person and go the extra mile. And I'm sure there are some narcissists out there that do this because they know the game. So then that's why we need to know about the other red flags. But that's an obvious one. If they don't even do that.
Number 17, your value will be diminished to the point of nothingness in his or her eyes. In fact, mere strangers will hold more weight in his or her eyes and you will.
That's like they take advantage of you once you are theirs in a romantic relationship. And if you are a child of an apparent narcissist, This, this shows, right? How much do they invest in other people outside of their family unit, in their actual family unit? Because this whole outward persona of being perfect.
To mask and cover their pain and their trauma. Is far more important. And their relationships with their own.
Number 18, he or she will be sometimes kind and full of love. Again, just to beat you the next day. This is called intermittent reinforcement. You become addicted to his or her highs. This is it. This is the trauma bonding cycle. Intermittent reinforcement. Number 19, you have sexual issues with him or her.
He or she is rarely satisfied. My God, mine was like every time. Or. Ken and withhold physical intimacy, and then you will doubt yourself and do the craziest things in bed for them because they're you, they're doing this push pull dance with you. This is how mine ended up blackmailing me, which so my books. So there's no more power over that.
All those videos and pictures. Fine. Whatever I own it. Put it out there. I don't care. Number 20 simple conversations may become crazy making endeavors. This is where he's , you feel like you're taking crazy pills, crazy bills every day, because. They just keep spinning everything and spinning everything or denying everything. It's like, you know, you literally just said that and you wish you had tape recorded it because they did say it, but they will adamantly deny that they did.
Number 21, you will find yourself walking on eggshells. Or walking through a minefield 22 is you will lose yourself because you will be trained to focus only on his or her feelings and reactions. And you'll forget about yours because you're too busy managing theirs. 23, you will experience the silent treatment.
24, you will experience cognitive dissonance, gaslighting and trauma bonding. Like I said, Cognitive dissonance is aware. Your brain understands it's wrong, but it can't. Quite get wrap your head around, taking the actions that it needs to take. And this is where you start justifying their bad behavior and placating it and saying, oh no, but he said this and he did this. And you know, they promise me that.
And yeah, you hold on to that fake hope. 25. You put aside your basic needs and desires. Sacrificing your personal, your emotional and financial safety to please the abuser. This is. Because you're walking around on eggshells because you've been trauma bonded and it's all this constant nervous system.
Fight or flight just in order to have peace and ease. You're like, fine, take whatever fine. Do this. Fine. Have control of all the bank accounts. Fine. I'll quit my job. And I'll take care of you full time. Right? It's like all this stuff. But don't give in. Don't let go of yourself autonomy. And if you've already let go of yourself, autonomy, knowing that you can gain it back.
Just look at me. 26, he or she will isolate you from your friends and your family because they don't. Interact with them. They will then put them down. They will make statements like when you're around them, you act crazy or see, this is why you don't have really good memory or. You're always just driving me crazy because.
You are talking about them all the time. And it's really annoying me. 27. He or she will use your reactions to tell others how crazy you are. Because you bottle everything in and you're trying to do your best.
You can take it right. One person cannot take all of the shit piled on them. So you explode. You explode in a volcano. And that you should have been releasing all this time through your words and actions, but. You've been so kind and empathic and polite. And of course you were taught to, to be that and do that. And you've been giving them the benefit of the doubt and then finally a straw breaks and you're like,
Exploding, they use that. Reaction to their abuse to tell others you're crazy. And to tell you, you are crazy, you need help. You need to go to therapy. Well, yes, you definitely need to go therapy. So your therapist can tell you, you were in an abusive relationship. Not that you're wrong. 28. He or she will blame you for all the problems in the relationship.
I already mentioned that pretty straightforward. 29, you will blame yourself.
The brainwashing is real. Number 30, he or she will use your weaknesses, traumas and intimate secrets against you. 31, you will experience many dramatic exits followed by reappearances of the narcissist acting as if nothing unusual had ever happened. Yep. That is it. He are 32. He or she will act like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Happy one moment.
Crazy evil. The next. 33, he or she will not do his fair share of household. Responsibilities and we'll criticize your efforts. All right. You mentioned that one. 34, you will experience an emotional roller coaster. 35 when you try to hold him or her accountable or you criticize. Him or her. They fly into rage.
36. They are selfish, stubborn, materialistic, and extremely moody. 37. They will rarely ask you about your day and a wish you to have a good day. He, um, Just on the surface outside, but they will never show genuine concern for things that you care about. Unless there's something that they care about and they can gain something from it.
38, you will feel stuck. Trapped. And unable to leave. But this is not true. You were always have the power. Over your self autonomy, your decisions, your ability to leave. You can, and when you're ready, you will. 39, they will project their bad behaviors on to you. And you will project your good intentions on to them.
Ooh, neither are accurate. At one it's deep. 40 is they will ruin your finances. Yes, never. Well, I guess you don't know if you're not with the narcissist when you're blind to it, but never get entangled in finances with the narcissist. always have a backup, separate bank account. 41, your job will be to do everything in your power to restore their relationship to what it was.
42, the entire experience will result in trauma for you. Depression, panic attacks. See PTSD. 43, they will compare you unfavorably to other women, spatially their acts. And just to let you know what they're doing. And comparing is there making up lies? Because I personally have had the experience where the other girl.
Said, oh my God, this happened like, you know, he kept saying that you never fought back. And I was like, oh no, I remember fighting back. So what they're saying to you is a lie. 44, you will begin to feel crazy. Then over time, you'll begin to feel numb. Yep. 45. You, if you go to couples counseling, it will not work.
and will more than likely backfire. The great thing is that you can. Have your therapist talk to you in private and say you are being abused by a narcissist. Um, however, some therapists are not. , maybe are not well versed in narcissism, but hopefully nowadays with everyone talking about narcissism,
They shouldn't be. And, , the narcissist can manipulate and, , put on a really great show for the couples counselor.
46. He or she is extremely kind with strangers. But when they are with you. They turn in some monsters behind closed doors. The other infuriating part about people not believing the victims of narcissistic abuse. They don't see what goes on behind closed doors. 47. Once you start to wise up and pull away, they will begin to smear your character behind your back, even to your family.
And attempts to turn people against you to drive you closer to them. And Ty isolate you. In fact,
There were probably doing this. The whole time throughout your entire relationship.
It's all very covert, subtle, tiny things. You just cannot disregard those jokes. That seem a little bit off-putting. Be careful watch out for those. 48, when they discouraged you, they will act like nothing happened. And they seem happy and relieved and you are devastated.
They move on with their life. And then they get together with a new supply and spread it all over social media and make you feel like shit, like horrible, miserable. You were the wrong person. And this new supply is like such a better person. That's just a false lie. It's just new supply. It's just a fresh.
Hopeful cheerier new person who is completely unawares of their tactics. 49. Most people will never fully believe your account of the relationship. And the psychological trauma can take a long time to understand and recover from. So give yourself grace. Mourn and cut your losses with those who never quite believe you.
And move on with your life. And the last one 50. Despite all of the treatment, all of this on the list. You still love them.
This. Lists. I wish I could say I wrote all of these and had the time to pull them to write all of this out. And if I did, I would have, but this is written by Muhammad . He. Eloquently listed this out for us.
And I appreciate that because. That's a whole long list of things. I completely resonate and relate to.
Let me know in the impact healing Facebook community group, if you resonate and relate to these as well.
I appreciate you listening. And tuning in. This Sunday will be a guest episode. Moving forward. I'm going to be doing guest episodes only on Sundays. To give us just more of a space to take a quick snapshot and learn how to heal through human design on Tuesdays. And to watch out for the signs and continue to educate ourself and our children about narcissism on Thursdays.
I hope that this information was helpful and useful to you to live narc free.
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And to remember. Always keep your unique light shining.