Episode 59: Child-Centered Divorce: Part 2 - How To Make Your Life NOT Suck During Divorce
(Child Centered Divorce Part 2: Throwing Away the WHY!)
For $1, get a month's access to our Divorce Companion Community. This includes tools tailored to your divorce stage, a self-paced course, and a supportive community of relatable individuals.
In this episode, Tania Leichliter discusses how to move beyond dwelling on the past in divorce by 'throwing away the why.' She offers practical strategies to release emotional baggage, reframe thoughts, and focus on creating a brighter future, emphasizing emotional accountability and self-care.
At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So, let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.
Do you want to know if We Can Help You? Book A Free 1:1 Breakthrough Call Now! Click Here
Welcome to part two of the Child-Centered Divorce Course. Today, we're gonna be talking about throwing away the why.
I am Tania Leichliter and I am the CEO and founder of Better Than Bitter. this child centered divorce method that we have created is going to change your divorce and beyond.
In part one, we talked about emotional regulation. In part two, it is all about accountability.
By throwing away the why, you are going to stop living in the past. Start leading yourself forward so you can have a brighter future.
throwing away the why continues to focus on you. to stop the blame, the rumination, the need for closure, because you can't change the past. The past has happened.
I'm not telling you that you can't go and work through your trauma; you can get that in therapy. But if you want to move your life forward, you stop living in the past. The why might feel like closure until it becomes the thing that keeps you stuck.
Your search for the why, why this happened, why things might have changed, why someone made the choices that they did, I know all those questions. I had those questions in my mind.
But for you to move yourself forward to process your emotional divorce so you can move forward into your legal divorce without the emotional chaos, so it doesn't drain your finances, then you start by throwing away the why.
You're trying to move on, but it's the why that keeps pulling you back. What happens when you hold on to that? Why? You replay conversations, analyze those decisions, and mentally rewrite the past in your head. require explanations to feel peace. The outcome?
emotionally stuck. You are poisoning yourself, your kids, your co-parenting relationship. What you are holding on to is going to affect everyone around you. So every moment you spend replaying that past is energy that cannot be used to build your future.
So what throwing away the why does not mean? Denying your pain.
Process your grief. Don't minimize what happened. I'm not pretending it didn't matter. Those things are going to come up for you. But if you want to move your life forward, staying ruminating on those things is not going to help
recognizing that healing does not come from better explanations. It comes from a better direction. So when you release the why, you create space. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? How do you want to feel? And what is in your control right now?
These questions, stop mental replay, will move you towards self-accountability so you can return that energy to the present moment. When you do that, change is possible. The why? It's living rent-free in your head. Here is how to start evicting it.
Letting go is not about giving up. It's choosing to not to stay stuck. Here are exercises that help you throw that why away. I want you to start by thinking about how to help yourself get unstuck. So the first part of that is, what are those replaying questions? Write those down.
What are the feelings that are resulting from those thoughts that you're ruminating about? And what is the cost to you, your kids, your bank account, your friends, your family, your coworkers? What is the cost that you are going to pay if you hold on to those things? Number two, it has nothing to do with you.
I need you to continue to say that over and over in your head. How to separate someone else's choices from your self-worth without pretending it didn't hurt, because I know it hurts. But why did this happen? That thought is not serving you. Rescript.
What do I want to be in two years, three years, five years, 10 years? The thought, why did they do this to me? Change it. Divorce didn't happen to me. It happened for me. The third one, why wasn't I enough? Change that, re-script it. I am lovable just the way I am.
Exercise number three is about staying future-focused. It is about focusing on that reframe in order to have that life of possibilities. This is a detour. It is a choose-your-own-adventure time for you. I know it wasn't your grand plan. Nobody gets married in order to get divorced. But guess what? It is the bump in the road. It is what is causing you to take
that detour and go down a different path. So it is time for you to embrace the fact that this is what it is. That reoccurring why you keep getting stuck on.
Stop giving it access to your nervous system. Your nervous system is on overload right now. It's not allowing you to have rational thoughts. So.
Re-script before you respond, not just externally, but internally. It's about re-scripting for yourself so you can take that emotional accountability, that supportive action that you will take.
towards that future that you have clarity around. So those are the three steps. How are you going to re-script, and what is that supportive action you're going to take towards your future?
You are not going to be able to heal by understanding the past better. You only heal by choosing where you are gonna go next. In summary, the past is done. It's keeping you stuck. next asking through this filter, is this helping me filter?
If that thought isn't serving you, let it go. third this is not about you. It is not about what you are not. You can't control other people's choices, their actions, or their behaviors. Sometimes they have nothing to do with you. Stop holding on to that feeling that you are a failure or you weren't enough, because most of the time it's not about you.
And the last one is that future-focused reframe. Getting that action, that re-script in place, so you can reframe your future and take action against it. So a child-centered divorce begins and ends with you.
Stop living in the past. Turn that page to the new chapter. Take emotional accountability for what could be. Throw away the why.
So if you're ready for what's next, we have the third part of this course ready for you. And there are parts of this course that are in workbook format, so you can go back and reflect on those exercises that we have outlined. I'm Tonya Licklider. I'm signing off. Thank you for joining us at Better Than Bitter. And we hope that you continue doing the work so you can have that brighter future.
Tania Leichliter (:
Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,
and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,
our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.
At Better Than Bitter, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.
