Dear Listener, welcome to the first episode of our Dating Skills Series! We delve into the foundational aspects of positive nonverbal communication, which are essential for creating connections and building attraction on a date. Whether you're a seasoned dater or just starting, these skills are crucial for getting past a first date and building meaningful connections.

Join us as we explore key aspects of positive nonverbal communication:

1. Breathe: Use your breath to calm and center so you can present your best self.

2. Open Body Language: Show openness and availability through your posture.

3. Smile: Grin genuinely to indicate attraction and create a warm atmosphere.

4. Eye Contact: Harness the power of eye contact to build connection and trust.

5. Mirror: Subtly mimicking your date's body language to establish rapport.

Tune in to learn the answers to questions like: What is positive nonverbal communication on a date? What are examples of nonverbal flirting? How does smiling indicate attraction? Discover the power of eye contact and open body language, and enhance your social skills for dating success.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:39 - Why dating skills?

07:18 - The five positive nonverbal communication skills

7:58 - #1: Breathe

10:23 - #2: Open

13:13 - #3: Smiling

15:58 - #4: Eye contact

21:39 - #5: Mirroring

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Free Dating Skills Infographics

Ep. 3 - How to flirt like a feminist

Non-Creepy Flirting: Signs, Confidence, & Respectful Tactics

Free Quiz: Why am I Still Single?

Have a question or comment? Email us at podcast@relationshipcenter.com. We love hearing from you!

If you’d like to work with one of the talented clinicians on our team, go to relationshipcenter.com/apply-now to apply for a free 30-minute consultation.

To get a monthly email with our best content, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter.

If something in this episode touched you, will you share it with a friend? That helps us reach more sweet humans like you.

Lastly, we’d love it if you would leave us a rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts. And be sure to hit subscribe while you’re there so you never miss an episode!

You just said it's sweet eye contact.

2

What, do you have a sense

of what make makes it sweet?

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Josh: Yeah, you're smiling at

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Jessica: me.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Josh: Yeah, if you had a

kind of a neutral face.

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Oh, God.

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Jessica: no face.

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Just because they just went entirely

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From the Relationship Center, I'm

Psychotherapist, Couples Counselor, and

12

Dating Coach Jessica Engle, and this is I

Love You Too, a show about how to create

13

and sustain meaningful relationships.

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Josh: I'm dating and relationship

coach Josh Van Vliet.

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Welcome to our four part

dating skills series.

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On today's episode, we've got part

one, positive nonverbal communication.

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We're so happy you're here and please

remember that this show is not a

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substitute for a relationship with a

licensed mental health professional.

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Hello and welcome, dear listener.

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Welcome to our four part

series all about dating skills.

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We are psyched to be diving into

this important area with you.

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Why don't we start with what

do we mean by dating skills?

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Jessica: Yeah, so when we talk about

dating skills, obviously dating

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skills could be quite vast and wide.

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There's lots of different skills

you can learn within dating.

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When we're talking about it

in this series, we're really

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referring to social skills that

are applied in a dating setting.

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Okay.

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Yeah.

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So.

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Today is going to be really focused

on positive non verbal communication.

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Our second episode will be focused

on how to have juicy conversations.

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The third part is going to

go over building intimacy.

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And the fourth one we're going to do

a breakdown of neurodivergent dating

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skills, so how these different skills

might be adjusted or applied if you are

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neurodivergent or you're interacting

with somebody who's neurodivergent.

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I will say that in our fourth episode,

we're going to go over the concept

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of masking, which is where you, uh,

somebody who's neurodivergent kind of

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tries to pretend to be neurotypical.

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And this can have detrimental

effects on mental health.

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So I think it does need to

be chosen very carefully.

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Mindfully.

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So tune into that fourth episode to

listen a little bit more about that.

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In dating advice in general,

neurotypical skills are really centered

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and I want you to really think about

whether you want to adopt them.

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Now,

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Josh: Beautiful.

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Now,

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Jessica: before we dive in further,

if you love our show, dear listener,

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will you please leave us a rating

and review in Apple Podcasts.

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While you're there, hit subscribe

so you never miss an episode.

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Okay.

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Shall we dive in?

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Josh: Let's dive in.

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So why are we talking about dating skills?

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Why, why do

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a four part series about this

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Jessica: Yeah, I think that a lot

of the people that we work with,

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and this may apply to you, dear

listener, you're trying to date and

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not getting where you want to get.

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We have a really wonderful quiz on

our website that will allow you to

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really identify what is your top

area of growth in dating, okay?

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We see the four areas that people need

to work on tend to be dating strategy,

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kind of how you're meeting people,

where you're going, how you're doing

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online dating, if you're doing it, etc.

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Dating skills.

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How am I relating to the people

that I'm actually connecting with?

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Am I doing it skillfully so that

I'm able to build attraction,

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build deeper connections?

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And then a couple of other areas

we talk about a lot on this show,

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uh, building dating confidence

and building dating wisdom.

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So you know, when we have knowledge

about the dating skills that we can use.

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On dates, um, when we're meeting

somebody, we might ask out on a date.

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I think that a few things happen.

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We feel more confident, right?

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Gosh, how do I hold my body?

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What do I say?

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How do I make this person

like feel good around me?

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Right?

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We, we just feel more in

charge of the situation.

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And I think it just produces

better results for a lot of people.

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The end

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Josh: I love it.

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That's perfect.

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That's perfect.

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The other thing, I think it's so useful to

keep in mind as you're, you're going to be

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hearing us going over a lot of different

skills in today's episode and the next few

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episodes, and it might be easy to think,

Oh, I've heard them talk about this.

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Okay, great.

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I'll just go do that on a date.

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And for some of these,

maybe you can do that.

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And I also want to invite you to

your listener to be thinking about

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practice.

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Thanks.

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Practice makes progress all of these

are skills, and just like any skill, we

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can understand it intellectually, but

there's a pretty big difference between

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understanding something intellectually

and being able to demonstrate the

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skill in a performance context, right?

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I mean, just basic Comparison

here, playing piano, right?

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You can understand what a C major

scale is on the piano, but can you

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play that C major scale, or can you

play the piece that you're working

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on, you know, in a performance in

front of an audience of 100 people?

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Very different things.

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And so, um, I want to give just a

couple of brief tips for how you

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might go about practicing some

of these as you're listening to

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us describe some of these skills.

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The first is isolating skills.

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And some of, some of these things,

by the way, come out of, uh, my

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very loose understanding of the work

of deliberate practice, which is a

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wonderful way of thinking about how do

we very intentionally develop skills.

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So isolate skills.

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If you have a particular skill that

you're practicing, don't try to practice

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six different things at once, right?

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Practice just the one thing.

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Okay, I'm gonna practice my C major

scale, just going up and down the scale.

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I'm gonna do that over and over again.

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Jessica: or in this context,

I'm gonna practice eye contact.

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Josh: Exactly.

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And so isolate something.

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So it's just, you're focusing

on one thing at a time.

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Because, as you may know, dear

listener, our brains are not great at

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focusing on multiple things at once.

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It just doesn't work.

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Okay.

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The second piece is practice it

outside of a performance context.

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And what I mean by that in this

setting is outside of a date, right?

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So you might practice, if it's eye

contact, you might practice making

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good eye contact with your friends.

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Or with the person that you're

interacting with at the cafe,

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who you're ordering a drink from.

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In a place where it's not the place

that you're going to be applying,

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really applying the skill for

dating, but another setting that

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gives you a chance to practice it

without the pressure of performance.

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And the third recommendation I

have for you all is to get support.

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Right.

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This could be a dating

coach or a therapist.

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A mock date is something that our

team offers where you go on a,

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on a pretend date with a coach

and then get feedback afterwards.

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Friends, right?

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People who love you, who are just down to

practice things with you, but whatever it

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is, get some support to practice these.

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And sometimes you can get

feedback from the outside.

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It can be very helpful to know.

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Have, you know, like in sports, have a

coach who can give you feedback on are you

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demonstrating the skill in the way that

you're trying to and how might you improve

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and demonstrate even more consistently.

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Does that make sense?

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Jessica: makes perfect sense.

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So I'm really hearing what you're saying.

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Practice makes progress and find

different ways to practice that

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are outside a dating context where

you're isolating certain skills.

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Josh: Exactly.

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Beautiful.

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Well, should we dive into our positive

nonverbal communication skills today?

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Jessica: Yes, let's do it.

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So these are five skills

that are our basic skills.

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You may indeed, dear listener

find these basic skills.

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If you need to skip ahead to

the next one, totally fine.

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And sometimes it's really

good to go over the basics.

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So we're going to link

you to an infographic that

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includes these five skills.

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Let me go ahead and just name

them and then we're going to

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go through them one by one.

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Okay.

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The first one is breathe.

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Second, open.

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we have smile, eye contact and mirror.

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Let's go one by one.

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Breathe.

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Deeply and slowly breathe into

the belly to resource yourself.

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Okay.

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So when we're in dating context,

a lot of us get anxious.

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And the one way that we can really

tighten in situations where we feel

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anxious is by not breathing as much.

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And that could kind of translate

to the other person, right?

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This is really about creating positive

nonverbal communication, really

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showing up in a physical way that

communicates to the other person.

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I'm here, I'm present.

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I'm connected with you.

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And so really noticing your breath and

intentionally slowing it down, deepening

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it, can be really, really impactful in

terms of how present you seem on the

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date and also how much you enjoy it.

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Josh: I imagine how present

you feel on the date as well.

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Jessica: Mm hmm.

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Absolutely.

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Yeah.

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And the beautiful thing about deep

breathing is you don't, it's not

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particularly noticeable, right?

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I think some people get really

worried about, uh, the other person

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noticing if they're trying to

calm themselves down in any way.

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And you can very easily deep

breathe without the other

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person really picking up on it.

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Josh: And in some ways, if they do pick

up on it, it may be unconsciously and

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they may just relax a little bit as well.

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It's like,

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Jessica: Yeah.

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Josh: It's a signal of relaxation, right?

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If we are breathing deeply and

slowly, the nervous system is

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like, cool, we must be okay,

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Jessica: right?

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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Josh: Uh, and if the other person,

like I just noticed that even as we

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were like doing it right now, sitting

across from each other while we're

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recording you breathing deep and I

was like, oh, I breathe deep too, just

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kind of reflexively and it can help

both people feel relaxed and present.

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Jessica: That's right.

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And I think what you're pointing to there,

Josh, is that in relationship, what we're

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talking about there is two nervous systems

that are learning to dance together,

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that are learning to co regulate.

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And breathing is a huge

part of co regulation.

212

So I think you're right on if you

can bring in that sense of deep

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breath, of calm, of groundedness.

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You're also going to help the other

person, regulate their own systems and

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have that experience of, oh, together

we can find this place of calm.

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Josh: Beautiful.

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Jessica: Beautiful.

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So the next one that

we'll go over is open.

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And this one is really

referring to open body language.

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So for example, pulling the shoulders

down and back, lifting the chest, letting

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the heart be, I like to think of it

as a light that kind of shines out.

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And it's like, you're not curling

inward, protecting the heart,

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really allowing it to be seen.

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Josh: body language, it

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Jessica: And when we have open

body language, it communicates to

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the other person, I'm open to you.

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I am here.

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I'm interested in you.

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I'm available to connect.

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One thing I will say about this

open body language, sometimes

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when I teach this to people, they

kind of take it to an extreme,

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Josh: extreme.

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now Hyper extend.

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Jessica: I'm like pushing my chest out

really far and you don't need to do that.

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Okay.

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I really encourage you.

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These really can be micro adjustments.

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I don't want you to hurt yourself.

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I want you to think of it more

as like, what body posture allows

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me to feel like I am more open

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Josh: It's almost like we're, we're

going for a relaxed, neutral,

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rather than like a, a hyper extended

pushing our chest out or, or the

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opposite, like the closing down,

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Jessica: right, absolutely.

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I think you're right on there.

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I do think it's also worth that There

are going to be times on a date where you

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don't feel open, okay, and it's okay if

in those moments you maybe pull back a

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little bit, you kind of guard yourself.

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This isn't about perfection, and

it also isn't about communicating a

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level of vulnerability and openness

that isn't actually present for you.

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Some dates don't go well, or some

moments we feel vulnerable, and

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part of finding the right partner

is they're able to kind of roll with

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that.

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So this open body language is more a

tool to go to if you're feeling like,

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yeah, I really do feel connected to this

person, I really do want to communicate,

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I'm here, I'm present and, oh, I noticed

my body language maybe is a little more

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closed than I was expecting or wanting.

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Josh: Mm hmm.

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I love that.

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I love that note because it's not

about projecting something that

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isn't true for us in the moment.

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These skills are really more

about how do I demonstrate what

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is true for me in the moment.

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Uh, if I am wanting to connect and

feeling connected with this person,

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here are some skills for let me, let me

demonstrate that in a way that will help

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them feel connected with me as well.

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Versus I need to put on a front, I

need As though I am open and connected,

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even though I'm like, uh, I don't

want to be here, or this doesn't

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feel like the right thing, or, yeah.

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Jessica: Yeah, absolutely.

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We're, we're not about the

inauthentic relationship here.

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Josh: Yeah.

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Not really our

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not our

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Jessica: Okay,

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so next, let's talk about smiling.

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So, smiling, you know, genuine

smiles are obviously best.

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People can kind of tell if it's a

disingenuous smile and it is also

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best to combine with eye contact,

which we'll talk about in a moment.

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There's some interesting research

that shows that a smile with, uh,

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eye contact is like one of the most

powerful ways to Basically appear

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attractive to others, regardless of

your physical characteristics, okay?

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And I think it's because it communicates

openness, connection we are, you know,

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building a bond, safety, all of that.

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Now, some people do feel

uncomfortable with smiling

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particularly if it feels inauthentic.

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Again, I don't want you to

be forcing yourself to do

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something that feels not you.

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And, see, are there places where you

can smile freely, where you can laugh

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at the other person's jokes bring

in that energy of warmth and joy?

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Josh: joke, and bring

in of warmth and joy.

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What are you focused on such that it would

make it easy for you to smile naturally?

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And I find, at least for myself, when

I'm focused on myself, my anxieties, my

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insecurities, whatever I'm worried about,

I don't tend to smile very readily.

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Whereas if I'm focused on something

like, how can I be kind with this person?

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Or what am I enjoying in

this moment with this person?

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It's much easier to find that

natural smile, even if it's just

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a little one at first, right?

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It may not be, you're gonna go for the

big grin if that's not where you are.

300

Like you're saying, we don't want to

be forcing ourselves to be, you know,

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smiling manically when we're like, ugh.

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But like, oh, yeah, like, Smiling

at their joke or like finding

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something that you appreciate.

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It's like, oh, this person is

being really kind right now.

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Or, I really appreciate how

passionate they are about their work.

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Like, you know, that just kind

of warms my heart and that almost

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naturally brings a smile to my face.

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So things like that, find the places

that you can be interested in the

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other person or enjoying something

about that moment that may help

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that smile feel more accessible.

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Jessica: Yeah, it's a beautiful

reframe, and I, I, I would love

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all of our clients and listeners to

have that frame for dates, right?

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Going in, what can I be delighted by here?

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Even if this isn't my

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Josh: Yeah.

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Love that.

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What can I be delighted by?

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That's

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Jessica: So let's talk

about eye contact next.

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This is often a big

conversation with our clients.

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So with eye contact, what I like

to say is it can be really helpful

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to match the other person's eye

contact, , roughly, more or less.

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And if you want to build

intimacy, hold eye contact.

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Eye contact.

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for longer than they're holding.

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Now, of course, that can go to an extreme.

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I see Josh's face being like, Yep.

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Yep.

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Yeah.

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So say more.

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How could, how could this go wrong?

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Josh: Well, yeah, because

it's such an intimate thing.

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making eye contact, right?

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If we force eye contact, Maybe you

dear listener have been on that date

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with the really intense, earnest person

who's like, I'm so about intimacy that

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I'm just going to stare into your eyes

and you're like, this is too much.

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I do not want this right now.

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So there's, uh, There is an art to

finding what is the right amount of

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eye contact that builds intimacy.

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And like you're saying, maybe lingering

a little bit more with eye contact

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to help build intimacy, but not so

much that we are beyond what the

342

relationship actually is right now.

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Jessica: Yes, yes.

344

So that's why I like to

start with match their eye

345

Josh: I think that's so smart.

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Jessica: Yeah, and so holding a beat

or two longer and then seeing how they

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respond, I, I think that's the best way.

348

for avoiding the hyper intense eye gazing.

349

This is in particular a

thing here in the Bay Area.

350

Sometimes, there's people who have

done a lot of authentic relating kind

351

of work and they're just, they want

to like hold eye contact forever.

352

Or sometimes I think people do have the

experience of having been leered at.

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Right?

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Yeah.

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So, again, play with that holding

at a beat or two, and then see

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if you can read their cues.

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Right?

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Do they, do they look away and

then look back shyly, with a smile?

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That's probably an indicator that they,

they like it, but they're a little shy.

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Or do they avoid your eye contact

and their body moves back and maybe

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they're, they kind of, instead of their

body language being open, it's closed.

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They start to cross their arms.

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That's probably an indicator

they're a little uncomfortable.

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It's a little too much.

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Josh: Matching I mean, matching

that already just like, shoop,

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narrows the field of possibility

to like, okay, here we are.

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And now I can try going a little bit

further, another beat or two longer,

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just a beat or two, very simple, not

anything dramatic, and then seeing.

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How does that go?

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How are, how are they with that?

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Does that feel like that's

something they're excited

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about, interested in, or not?

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And then modulating accordingly.

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I think that's brilliant.

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Jessica: Yeah, and we'll go

into this a little bit more

376

in our neurodivergent episode.

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Some people can't necessarily

pick up on those cues and read

378

them, know what they mean.

379

And so I want to also name

that it's okay to ask.

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Josh: Mm hmm.

381

Yeah, brilliant.

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Jessica: Um, I realize I'm making

eye contact with you, uh, and just

383

want to check in, like, how is it?

384

Sometimes I kind of overshoot

the mark, but I'm just really

385

enjoying being with you.

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Josh: Mm hmm.

387

Well, I'm loving it.

388

It's great.

389

Very sweet eye contact.

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Jessica: Yeah.

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Well, and that's one more thing

maybe we'll name is there's a lot

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of different kinds of eye contact.

393

Mm.

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Right.

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You just said it's sweet eye contact.

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What, do you have a sense

of what make makes it sweet?

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Josh: Yeah, you're smiling at

398

Jessica: me.

399

Yeah.

400

Yeah.

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Josh: Yeah, if you had a

kind of a neutral face.

402

Oh, God.

403

Jessica: no face.

404

Just because they just went entirely

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Josh: face just went

406

entirely blank, but

continued staring at me.

407

It was very

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Jessica: very intellectual.

409

Yep.

410

Yeah, that feels

411

Josh: that feels a

little more threatening.

412

Like you're, you're checking me out

or you're like, you know, assessing

413

threat or something rather than

like, Oh, I'm trying to connect.

414

I'm open.

415

I'm interested.

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Jessica: Yeah, I think there can also be

like smoldering eye contact with like, I

417

don't know, eyebrow wiggles and kind of

like, I'm not even sure what I'm doing.

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Josh: It's definitely smoldering though.

419

Jessica: Yeah, so all that's just to

say like, play with it, you know, play

420

with it in the mirror, kind of get

a sense of like, what does it feel

421

like if I'm trying to communicate

desire through my eyes or playfulness?

422

Um.

423

Josh: I love it.

424

Beautiful.

425

The other thing I think about sometimes

with eye contact is that it is helpful

426

sometimes to break eye contact for your

own regulation that eye contact can

427

be very intense, even short periods of

eye contact, and that sometimes it's

428

helpful to look away for yourself so

that you can have a chance to kind

429

of come back to yourself or regulate

your, your own nervous system.

430

And so I just, as you're hearing us

talk about eye contact and finding

431

ways to play with it and, and maybe

explore a little bit more eye contact

432

to build intimacy, also give yourself

permission like, Oh, I need a break.

433

That's okay.

434

That's important.

435

And it would be better if you pay

attention to that and give yourself

436

that break than trying to push

yourself to a place of intimacy or

437

eye contact that you're not ready for.

438

Jessica: Beautiful.

439

Yes, I hope you're hearing the

theme, dear listener, that these

440

skills are not rules and they're not

to be applied at all times, right?

441

They're to be applied in a way

that really supports you to

442

build the connections you want.

443

Josh: mirroring?

444

Jessica: Yes, let's talk about mirroring.

445

So mirroring, there are actually

two different types of mirroring.

446

There's verbal mirroring, which

we'll talk about in our next episode.

447

And then there's physical mirroring.

448

And what this refers to is subtly

mimicking the other person's body

449

language, which Josh is doing

450

Josh: very subtly,

451

Jessica: Very subtly, yes.

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He's not doing it subtly, dear listener.

453

Um, yes.

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So we actually well, I should say

some people automatically do this.

455

We have what are called mirror neurons

in the brain that really direct our

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attention unconsciously to how the

other person is moving, how they're

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holding their body, um, and then

And actually, again, unconsciously

458

instructs us to do something similar.

459

and the purpose of that is thought

to be that it allows us to really

460

feel what the other person's feeling.

461

To kind of be in their

experience with them.

462

So, this may be something

that you do naturally.

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Sometimes neurodivergent people don't

do this naturally, and that's okay.

464

It's something that you can also do

consciously to build your awareness of

465

how the other person might be feeling and

also help them feel connected with, seen.

466

Now, of course, as was

demonstrated earlier by Josh.

467

Josh: Don't, don't, don't

be like me, Listener.

468

Jessica: It does need to be subtle.

469

And so an example of this, um, is

let's say your date leans in their

470

chair to the right and kind of puts

their elbow on the arm of the chair.

471

You don't want to like.

472

follow their every move and be

exactly in the same position, right?

473

But you might wait a couple beats and

then just shift a little bit to the right.

474

If they have a facial expression

that's kind of joyous, they have

475

their eyes open wide, they're smiling

big, you might just very subtly

476

also have a smile on your face.

477

Your eyes might, uh, open a little

bit as you're listening to them.

478

So again, just a really beautiful

way to help the other person feel

479

understood by you non verbally.

480

Josh: I don't know if I have

anything to say about this.

481

I think you said it all so beautifully.

482

Jessica: As a drama therapist, I will

tell you that a great exercise for

483

this is a very classic theater warm

up, which is a mirroring exercise.

484

So if you have a friend, uh, who,

who can join you in this, you

485

basically, one person pretends they're

the other person's mirror image.

486

And it can be a very fun

and silly exercise as well.

487

Josh: I should have plugged improv

classes and workshops as a great

488

way to practice dating skills.

489

Consider it plugged.

490

Jessica: Hahahahaha.

491

Oh.

492

Josh: Anything else that we

want to include in this episode?

493

Jessica: Maybe it's worth a recap?

494

Josh: Yeah.

495

Let's recap.

496

Jessica: Mm hmm.

497

Josh: I'm going to say that a little

bit differently because that was weird.

498

It's a little bit weird.

499

Jessica: I liked it.

500

Josh: Okay, well, we'll see if it stays

501

Jessica: Beautiful.

502

Josh: Beautiful.

503

Well, let's, let's recap.

504

So, you're five basic dating skills

for positive non verbal communication,

505

aka expressing your appreciation

and desire to connect non verbally.

506

Is that a good way of putting

507

that?

508

are

509

breathe, using some deep breathing

510

to help be present, connect, ground.

511

Number two, open body language.

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Subtle, we're not hyperextending, but

just showing we're present, bringing

513

our shoulders back, et cetera.

514

Number three, smiling, genuinely.

515

Number four, eye contact, start by

matching and maybe give it another beat or

516

two longer and then see how they respond.

517

And number five, mirroring body language.

518

Jessica: Perfect.

519

You are an A student.

520

Josh: Yes.

521

Jessica: Again, dear listener, we have

a beautiful infographic with each of

522

these that will link you to, let's also

link our dear listener to the flirtation

523

episode and article because that also

contains some of this in addition to

524

some of the information about like

trying something out and then really

525

seeing how the other person responds

and kind of adjusting from there.

526

It's a How to Flirt Like a Feminist

themed article and episode.

527

Josh: Beautiful.

528

And stay tuned next time for our

second episode in this Dating

529

Skills series, which will be

all about juicy conversations.

530

Yay.

531

All right.

532

That's all for today.

533

You can find the show notes with links

to all the resources we mentioned in

534

this episode at relationshipcenter.

535

com slash podcast.

536

Jessica: if you have a question

or comment, email us at

537

podcast at relationshipcenter.

538

com.

539

We'd love to hear from you.

540

Josh: If you'd like to work with

one of the talented clinicians on

541

our team, go to relationshipcenter.

542

com to apply for a free

30 minute consultation.

543

Jessica: You can also sign up

for a monthly email of our best

544

content at relationshipcenter.

545

com slash newsletter.

546

And

547

Josh: if something in this episode touched

you, will you share it with a friend?

548

That helps us reach more

sweet humans like you.

549

Jessica: Lastly, we'd love it if you

would leave us a rating and review

550

wherever you listen to podcasts, and

be sure to hit subscribe while you're

551

there, so you never miss an episode.

552

we

553

love

554

you too!

555

Bye

556

Beautiful.

557

So, before we dive in further, before we

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the end.

559

Let me try that again.