The Review Queens inspect a 1-Star Google Review for eyelash extensions from Mav Lash and a 2-Star Yelp review for a restaurant named Splash at the Boathouse.  Things get Goldie, Trey reads from Leviticus, Olli comes to the rescue, Chelsey is a dollar short, and JoJo doesn’t need a second take.

(05:12) Lodge A Complaint

(13:24) Eyelash Extensions Review

(30:26) Meryl-Go-Round

(35:01) Splash at the Boathouse Review

(50:11) My Royal Highness

(54:44) Listener Voicemail!

*****

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Visit our website for more: www.ReviewThatReview.com

@TheReviewQueens | @ChelseyBD | @TreyGerrald

PODCAST SPOTLIGHT:

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Review That Review is an independent podcast.  Executive Produced by Trey Gerrald and Chelsey Donn with editing and sound design by Trey Gerrald.  Cover art designed by LogoVora, voiceover talents by Eva Kaminsky, and our theme song was written by Joe Kinosian and sung by Natalie Weiss.

Hello!

Hi there.

Welcome to Review That Review.

This is episode 10 of the podcast dedicated to reviewing...

Unbelievable.

...reviews!

We're just like Siskel and Ebert only instead of reviewing cinematic masterpieces, we

That's Chelsey Donn.

And that's Trey Gerrald.

Or in the words of friend of the pod HammondCheeseSandWitch, that's Tracy and I'm Che,

The Review Queens.

How's that crown today, Tracy.

Well, Che.

My, my crown is great today.

yeah, I'm holding my crown high.

How's your crown today?

My crown is good.

You know, I had a really spectacular weekend away.

My husband and I were celebrating.

This is funny to me because I remember when we first started dating, I was a

We were like consciously being together one day at a time.

So we would celebrate monthly anniversaries, but I would need coverage every now and then.

And the other waiters would be like, oh, it's the anniversary!

Thinking it was like years or something, not actual months.

So then like everyone made fun of me after a while because they're like,

So we went away to Ogunquit, Maine, which is where we met 11 years ago.

It was amazing.

We stayed at this gorgeous AirBnB.

We waited a little too long...

it's like a small little place.

So a lot of the stuff was taken.

And so we stumbled upon, we were the first people to stay in this gorgeous Airbnb in Wells,

And I just want to give it a shout out because we were the first to stay there.

It's the quiet three bedroom beach cabin getaway.

And the host is Samantha it's in Wells, Maine.

It was just the two of us and our two dogs, but this was the only option.

And last minute.

It was so perfect.

Like it was this three bedroom, but it was a really small cabin.

So it didn't feel like we were in this mansion and they were just awesome

And they knew we were bringing our dogs.

So they put out a little dog bowl, which was so cute.

Um, it was really great.

I actually missed you.

Okay.

A lot.

I was telling David, this is like the first time I've wanted to return from a vacation

So I'm so happy to be here.

How are you, Chelsey?

How was your week?

Oh, my God.

First of all, I missed you a lot too.

I was like trying not to be a codependent and allow you to have your anniversary weekend.

So I just want you to know it was a lot of effort, but I did a few also.

Yeah, I've had a good week.

I just got a brand new puppy, which is very exciting and very exhausting in all the ways.

So I don't sleep anymore.

So we're just going to have to let that go, but she's worth it cause she's really cute.

And what is your puppy's name?

My puppy's name is Goldie and maybe we'll...

We're cheering for Goldie!

Aw, We're cheering for Goldie.

She's named after Goldie Hawn, but she's Goldie Donn.

David asked me how you came up with the name Goldie.

And I was like, I haven't asked actually.

Yeah, I love, I'm like the biggest Goldie Hawn fan ever, always like, love her so much.

In fact, my friends came over to meet Goldie and we had to decide which Goldie

What'd you pick?

Just in Goldie's honor!

We picked, House Sitter it's it's Goldie Hawn and Steve Martin.

And it's, it's not as, I guess, like it's not as mainstream, but it's just

And she's just amazing in everything that she does so she could do no, no wrong in my book.

And Steve Martin, it's like Steve Martin at his best, like second to Father of the Bride for me.

It was fun.

We enjoyed it.

We had a great time.

I think Goldie liked it.

She didn't, she didn't complain.

So...

Overboard was one of my favorite movies as a kid.

We used to watch it relentlessly.

Well, congratulations on Goldie.

I know that Goldie has entered your life in a very wonderful time and we are very happy that

Yes, she's the head of security.

So she's going to keep an eye out for us.

I think that we should probably...

Lodge A Complaint.

Trey, do you have a complaint to lodge today?

Oh boy, do I ever.

Can't wait.

So, I mentioned, we went to Ogunquit, Maine.

Ogunquit, historically, was known as a safe haven for LGBTQ people and families.

So that is always wonderful.

And that still exists today.

And there is this like deconsecrated church.

So that just means it was one, it was built as a Methodist church and it...

and now it's a bingo hall?

Well, it's been stripped of all of its holiness, which has

Oh, like there's actually a process for that.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

I don't know what it is, but I'm sure it's similar to The Exorcist.

...Like, before it becomes like a bowling alley or something

Exactly.

All right.

So this previous church is now a gift shop.

And it's in the middle of town and you know, it's a two lane street and the name and they sell

And the name of the church, ex-church gift shop.

Do you have any guesses what they've named it?

What they've named the gift shop?

Like if you were going to take an old church building, it has a huge clock tower.

It's like a steeple.

It's totally a church.

What would you name it?

Holy Gifts.

Cute.

Okay.

Okay.

So they have named it Revelations.

Okay.

Cute.

That's a cute name.

We were seated at a restaurant, which was across the street, so it kept

There's a huge missed opportunity here.

This is like a gay, friendly place.

Everyone has gay flags everywhere.

Why was it not called Leviti-Gifts?

Why?

Okay.

You're Jewish.

So that joke doesn't land on you.

No, but Leviticus is one of the, is the old Testament.

So like I know Leviticus, roughly.

So, leviticus is like the one section of the Bible where people point to say that homosexuality

or...

should not lay with...

man shall not lay with mankind as they do with womankind.

You know, also famously like the next verse is like don't mix fabrics,

Right.

So anyway, I think...

But we ignore those cause that's not important.

Well, duh.

But I think that there's a huge opportunity that's been missed.

This should be called Leviti-Gifts.

I kept saying it over and over and over.

Oh, Leviti - GIFTS!.

Oh yeah, did I not pronouncate?

No, I, yes.

I don't know.

I heard Leviticus, but Leviti-Gifts makes more sense.

I lthink Leviti-Gifts is such a better name because this is a gay area.

They would go to Leviti-Gifts and they would get a nice shawl or like a

So anyway, my complaint this week is, if I am ever going to frequent a gift shop, in a gay friendly

I don't want its name to be anything other than Leviti-Gifts.

Otherwise you're wasting my pun and humor time.

The end.

Well, I think at very least you should have given them the opportunity.

Like, did you tell them that this maybe they would be open to a rebrand?

Well, I really did think about that and I've, I've looked them up.

They do have a website, revelationsgiftshop.com.

And I'm gonna see if I can reach out to them.

Oh, there's a whole contact form.

Yeah.

I think you should reach out at very least, like maybe they can do like a Leviti-Gifts event.

Like would that.

Would that help?

Well, I did say to David, I think maybe like this should be my, like hobby now.

Like I should just go across the country and find churches that are no longer functioning

Yes.

But I don't think I'm really gonna anytime soon..

GAY Gift Shops, which will definitely D what is it, consecrate them?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, there's a, there's a church that was turned into a home in Key West, but that's like a house

Like in Key West or maybe in Fire Island, if there's like a, an old church, I don't really

You could paint a side of the wall like that pink wall in LA, where

It'd be a whole thing.

Anyway, that's my complaint.

It's been lodged.

And, um, please, please, please.

If you have a gift shop, that's an old church.

Please rename it Leviti-Gifts.

And give Trey a little credit at the same time.

You don't even have to give me credit.

You don't, I don't even need it.

I just need that to be rectified in the world.

Chelsey, what about you?

What is your complaint for the week?

Okay, so my complaint is, you know, like when you go on a website and

I think I always land just shy.

Like, I'll be like $2 short of the free shipping.

Right?

And then I'm like, well, is it worth it for me to spend like $6 for shipping?

Or like, would I prefer that $6 in the form of an item?

And now I have to scour your site for like an $8 item in order to really make this math work out.

And then I'm probably going to get something that I don't need.

And I just think, why can't we just give free shipping?

Like, I don't like free shipping minimums.

I feel like they're manipulative.

I think they're doing it on purpose.

I don't know.

Just stop it with this.

Do you have this problem?

Like when you're like a dollar away?

I've noticed it with just minimums.

Like when you're getting food delivery, like take out.

Exactly.

It happens a lot where it's like.

I have noticed many times you'll always be like a dollar to 75 cents off.

And the cheapest thing is like a side of rice or like a side of broccoli.

And that's always like going to put you up like $5.

Like I do think that if someone is being strategic about this.

Yeah.

It's definitely strategic.

Also.

Like I wish that they could keep track in a day.

Like my, you know, I have a new puppy, so I'll go on chewy.com and they'll have minimums

So then I want to just order that one thing.

But I can't because I have to fill up my cart and I just feel like I've

You're you don't, you could put it all in the same box.

Why?

Why, Why!

I'm lodging a complaint.

You know, complaint heard.

Thank you.

That is such a like common occurrence complaint.

Like I have felt the same frustrations before, so I appreciate you voicing it.

Well, thank you.

I feel better now that they got that off my chest.

I think I feel okay.

I feel like maybe I could have spelled out Leviti-Gifts stronger, but regardless, let's

How do you feel about that?

I feel great about that.

As you guys already know, if you're listening to episode 10, we are your trusty Review Queens.

We each bring in a review from the internet that we feel needs to be inspected.

We read you the review, we break it down and then we rate the impact of the

It's a very Regal process that we like to call

Assess That Kvetch!

And kvetch means complaint.

Uh, I'm kvelling, Trey!

You're Yiddish.

It gets better every week.

Okay.

Who is first today?

You are, my gorgeous RQ.

Wow.

Okay.

I'm first God.

Like I feel like my heart always starts to be whenever I realized that I am first, but yeah.

You know what?

You don't have to, you don't have to have an increased heartbeat because the worst that

And then, you know what, then you take a breath and who cares?

We're here to have fun.

You're right.

We are here for fun.

Review That Review.

Okay.

My review this week is from Google.

It is a one-star review of Mav Lash in California.

This review is written by Jodi B.

I've been debating writing this for hours, but every time I walk

I wanted to be kind, but I'm really disappointed in my entire experience.

I did a lot of searching for what I wanted and who I should go to before booking my appointment.

But I have to admit how wrong I was.

My appointment was for a mixed set.

I picked this because I have naturally decent length lashes, but wanted them to

A set I can roll out without needing to wear mascara and liner makeup every day.

When I arrived, the tech called my name, but didn't introduce herself or anything.

I told the receptionist, and her, that I've never had lashes before.

And she asked to see some photos of what I wanted.

The pics we looked at were from the Mav Lash Instagram.

I pointed out what I liked and she said, 'so more natural' to which I agreed and also pointed

I told her I didn't want anything doll eyed or too lush.

I thought we were on the same page and I paid down and she began.

After about two hours, she finished.

And I asked to use the restroom before checking out.

Once in the bathroom, I took a glance in the mirror and was shocked.

They were so long and looked like one of those dolls that eyes close when you lay

When I came out, I immediately told her.

Her response was that she couldn't do anything about the length unless you took

I was devastated as I tried to ask what we could do.

She offered to take some of the fullness out of one that was heavier than the other.

I agreed to that, but honestly, didn't see much of a difference.

At that point I just wanted to leave.

I was hungry and really upset, but trying to still be nice.

I was hoping once I put on mascara on my lower lashes, that it would offset everything.

Now that I'm home, the mascara didn't help at all.

So I washed my face and literally a quarter of them fell right out.

I don't know if it's my face wash or what, since I was given no care

I'm getting really irritated that I paid close to $200 for this.

They look awful and I'm at the point of just pulling them all off myself in the morning.

Big disappointment.

Waste of my money, and very unhappy with how the tech handled it all.

My tech was Gensine.

Is that the name?

Gensine?

Yes.

G E N S I N E.

Would you pronounce that another way?

No, I just didn't know if that was like a millennial term or something.

Oh, good, good clarification.

Wow.

Okay.

Jodi B...

wait, have you ever had eyelash extensions?

Not like the kind of eyelash extensions like this that are meant to last a long time?

I think for my sister's wedding, we did the, you know, like the makeup artists did the

So nothing like this.

Right.

Those are like little wispies.

Yes.

Cause I have two friends that have had like these long-term eyelash extensions put on.

Yeah.

And I know that at least with those two girls it's commonplace that

fall off?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I had that thought too, like when she said a quarter of them fell off,

Like, is it one of those things where it sort of sheds after a while?

And then it starts to look more natural?

I honestly don't know.

And neither does Jodi.

Uh, I, you know, I have a lot of thoughts here.

It's interesting to me.

Jodi B mentions that they have decent length eyelashes to begin with.

So then my question is, well then why are you getting the service.

I understand that there's like a middle ground.

Like, you don't want to be a drag queen, but like you want it to look more full and natural.

But yeah, but to me, I feel like that line is so specific to each individual that

Everybody's got one.

Everybody's got one as Joe Kinosian beautifully wrote.

But like, to me, I don't know.

I feel like if I do think that there's like, um, a judgment snap that people might have,

I mean, like, I don't know.

I guess I'm less worried about the judgment snap.

Cause I figured it's just like, if you want it, like you rock it, you rock it.

But I think everybody looks better with a little mascara, you know?

And so I can understand saying like, oh, like it would be nice to have a little something extra

She pulled things specifically from their Instagram.

Like not another, not like random Instagram, like here's an example of work that

And then the person said like, oh, okay, I get it.

Like, you want something more natural?

Not doll-like!

Like not doll-like specifically, and you know, maybe like a little bit of

I don't know.

I feel for, cause when I, I mean, this is a little bit of a non-sequitur, but when I was

Cause my sister was a blonde and she got highlights when she was younger and I

And I begged my mom to let me get highlights when I was in middle school and she'd begrudgingly

And I just remember being completely devastated, like that feeling of, of getting

Cause it's like, it's a weird thing.

You're like, what do I do?

Like how do I, how do I manage this?

Like I am upset and yeah.

I think that when you get services like that, you should be able to tell them

I just wish that, I mean, they didn't show her a mirror along the way.

Like, it just seems like in the two hour period that she, and again, I've never had

But during the, like, usually when you get your haircut or you get something

Like, is this you want it a little short?

Or do you want it a little longer?

Like, why weren't they checking in with her?

I had that question too, because two hours is so long and also like, cause I

Check in after one eye and then it's like, oh, if we have to completely pivot, then

And I would think that the technician is at fault for that.

Yeah, I do!

The fact that she had to go to the bathroom to see what was happening.

That's weird to me.

Isn't it weird?

It is weird, also, conversely, because I've also been in a situation where like, now it's very

And all I thought was, I look like Rosie O'Donnell and it was like, so upsetting.

So, I understand when you get something done that does not feel like you and you have to face it.

That's that is like very.

Confronting and upsetting.

So like I'm not judging that, but to me, I feel like eyelashes are so much less

Yes.

And no.

Like it's on your face, you know what I mean?

Like

Eyes are the heart of the soul or whatever.

Yeah.

Like with a haircut you can put a hat on, I guess worst comes to worse.

Well, couldn't you put sunglasses?.

Right.

That's what I was going say.

I guess.

But like, I mean, a hat is a 24 hour item, a sunglass, like, you know, you look

So..

I, I do think that close to $200 is crazy.

Especially if a quarter of them fell out.

Like with the first time you washed.

We're assuming that Jodi was not scrubbing and rubbing and freaking out

Which she might have been.

Possibly.

But you know what I mean?

Here we are.

Two of us.

So neither of us have ever had this done.

So odds are, you're probably going to encounter people that are novices to this process.

So you would imagine that there would be a little conversation, especially when

This is what I like.

This is what I don't like, that you would assume there would be a check-in and

It's not safe for me to trim these, but like we have to redo everything.

Like that just seems obvious to me.

So like, I don't fault the salon for that, but I do question why there was not a check-in.

So, that would have like a little bit of, um, that would have a little, little lasting impact on me.

I agree.

Like, I don't understand why they didn't didn't give her instructions when she left.

It seems quite obvious to have a whole process that she was like a novice and

I don't know.

It just seems it definitely.

I want to validate Jodi B.

Cause it seems like some things were not handled properly.

And I love that Jodi, it starts this by saying, I admit that I chose the mixed length

They come, they don't start out being a victim.

They don't say like, they were horrible to me.

They say like, I might have mistakenly chosen the length, but I'm new with this.

Yeah, totally.

And like also that she was like, I've been debating writing this for hours, but every

Like I just, I, I kind of like, I feel for Jodi, like that sucks.

Like when you do something like this, you're doing it because you want to feel better about

And the fact that she did this and had the opposite reaction personally,

Like when I'm doing like laser on the face or like eyebrows or something like that.

I think I do pay a lot of attention to the reviews with stuff like that.

And I would definitely second guess whether or not I was going to go to

That's interesting.

What was the spelling and grammar like?

There were a lot of little mistakes.

It wasn't perfect.

It was long.

So she had a lot, to say, but there were little, like she said...

Did you say paid down instead of laid?

Yeah.

So, she said I paid down and she began.

I mean, I'm assuming she meant that she like sat down.

I don't really know how that happens with autocorrect, but...

I think they do lay you down though.

Like...

Oh, maybe "laid down".

Oh yeah, that makes sense.

But Jodi B has been crying, you know, they didn't have time to like go through

Corect, her eyes I'm sure were swollen.

I mean, they'd been like poked and prodded and now cried.

And washed and

Not very humor...

there wasn't a lot of humor here.

No, I, I mean, this was not a humorous, review.

This was, I think like a heartfelt, emotional dump in a way.

I feel like she's talking directly to the other people that also, maybe haven't

Like, I didn't really know what I wanted, but I thought I did research.

I thought I provided like photographic examples of what I wanted and, you

And I think that as someone that's newer to this, like I would be listening.

I'm listening to you, Jodi B for sure.

Yeah.

I think I can crown this.

Okay, let's crown it.

All right.

So in an effort to be fair, Chelsey and I each have our own set of one to five crown cards.

We will reveal our scores simultaneously so that we will not be impacted by the others review.

The Queens are Tabulating.

All right.

You ready?

I'm ready.

Total score!

Okay.

Interesting.

Trey is holding up three crowns and I am holding up four crowns.

Trey, tell us about your three crowns.

Okay.

So I chose three, very middle of the road, because I do actually very much believe Jodi B.

I appreciate that they expressed where they felt they were responsible and were, you

Not a lot of humor doesn't matter because that doesn't really affect my score that much.

Uh, especially when it's very emotional.

And I do believe the person Spelling is all over the place.

You know, I, I did think that this is valuable.

Only because I've never had this done.

And so if I was going to, I would take from the review that I need to really spell out: okay.

Y'all I need to check in with you this entire Orocess.

I don't want to come out of here looking like a clown.

Like let's be serious, although I am a drag queen lover.

And so give me a 301.

Give me crazy, crazy, crazy raccoon eyelashes.

I love that.

Look, I think nothing is more chic, but that isn't what Jodi wanted.

And she seems to have felt...

Jodi.

They felt that that's what they walked out with.

And so for that reason, the impact is I think I, um, I would, I would feel more armed with needing

And so, for that reason, I gave it three.

I gave it three.

What about you?

I gave it four, which, as you know, for me as a pretty high score.

So I was a little bit surprised myself.

I was also...

I was alsolating between three and a half and four, to be honest, I was just putting myself in

And I appreciate her sharing her experience with me.

I took off also, you know, a crown for lack of humor and, the spelling

I thought about taking off another half crown because of what you said, like,

So maybe if I had done this all the time, I would feel differently.

Like I'm not that knowledgeable in the subject matter.

So, maybe that's worth a half crown if somebody else is like, oh, she should

I don't know.

But that's why I gave it him four because I believed her.

I believed it was honest.

And I think that I would definitely do a little bit more research before I would go to this place.

And maybe even before I would do this at all, so.

four crowns.

Well said.

Yeah.

Thanks.

All right.

Sorry, Jodi B, I hope that it all works out for you

I'm sure they're out by now.

When did, when did Jodi B write this review?

A year ago!

So, um, I, I hope she's recovered.

I wish Jodi B had submitted images so that I could take a look.

True.

Can you, I can't remember if you can submit images on Google reviews.

You can right?

I think so.

Okay.

Well,

I don't know.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, Godspeed, Jodi B.

Yeah, best of luck to you.

All right.

Let's take a quick break.

And then when we come back, we can get into my review of the week.

Oh my God.

Can't wait.

Hold your crown.

We'll be right back.

It's game time.

All right, Chels, Chels, it's time for us to take a quick little spin on the

I like the fact that this could be like a glowing, like night.

Fantastic Meryl-Go-Round.

I think that that's nice.

Okay.

So here's the deal.

Trey and I have each picked a rotten scathing pithy one-star zinger and with

Just like our Queen Meryl, who does it all!

Before the clock runs out.

So this week, I have a one-star zinger from Google reviews for the Smile Direct

And this is from Rachel T who says, please see a dental professional for orthodontic treatment.

This needs to be monitored by a professional.

Hmm, I have to agree.

Same.

All right, Trey.

Are you ready?

I am ready!

Gonna hop on!

Let's get started.

Please see, I've done a professional before I tell them to treat, man, this needs to be a

. Hey Michelle.

See a dental professional for orthodontic treatment that this needs to be

super hero.

I see it on professional.

I'm going to give you Superhero only because you were...

I did my arms?

You were doing the most, like you didn't short end that at all, the opera

So I'm going to give that to you.

That's 1, 2, 3 that's 4 Trey.

Good job for a kind of long zinger.

I know, I knew that it was like pushing, being pithy, but I just thought

Okay, Chelsey, what is your, one star zinger for today?

That's a great question.

Trey.

My one star zinger is from RateMyProfessor.

It is for an economics professor at NYU written by ECONUA1 and it says terrible.

Absolutely terrible.

Okay.

That's it.

This is going to be fun.

All right.

Are you ready to jump on?

Yes, I am ready.

Teen drama.

Terrible.

Absolutely terrible

magic show.

Terrible,

absolutely terrible

melodrama.

Absolutely

true crime documentary.

Terrible.

Absolutely

terrible.

Absolutely terrible

lifetime heroin.

Absolutely terrible.

I don't know they were all the same.

They were all.

That's how I always feel every time I do this.

So I'm like, I don't know the difference between lifetime and teen drama.

We did this to ourselves!

When you did the magic, you did abracadabra hands.

So I think that doesn't matter.

It was, it was stimulating me.

So this is six.

You got six my Queen.

Thank you.

Wow

Six versus four.

Girl.

You're the Queen.

I'm the Queen.

I'm the Queen!

Wow.

I lost everything when I was a kid to my sister.

My sister would like, she was just very competitive and she would beat me at everything.

And so it's just sort of, it tickles me that, that I get to be a winner because

I was like, go ahead and win.

If it's not important to you, you know?

Well, you never have to give up cause you're exceedingly great at this game.

So congratulations.

Thanks Trey.

You're great too.

Meh.

Review that Review.

Okay.

Hey, we are back from that rousing game break, and now it is your turn, Trey.

Where is your review from this week?

Oh boy.

All right.

So this week I have a special review that was sent to me by a friend that

This is from Yelp.

Okay.

It is a two star review for a restaurant called Splash at the Boat

This is from Craig N.

I hate to give a joint two stars, but I simply couldn't ignore what

I'll get to that in a moment.

Backing up.

My hot blonde German wife, and I decided to meet the best pilot I ever flew with.

My buddy, Jeff and his wife, including their Chihuahua decided to fly their sea

I thought what a better place for them to dock their $2.5 million machine but right there.

After they got a ton of attention from this fly by and flawless landing, they joined us

Let me tell you the positives first, our server was super awesome and our

You know, it set the stage for a great night.

We had about three rounds a piece, but to my astonishment, my best bud, Jeff downed

Just a quick side note, Jeff, all caps hates seafood and has a reaction to it, but

So it was when we were told this by our awesome wait staff dot dot dot, bless her heart.

My wife wanted to have the haddock, but asked if she could have it blackened.

It was to all of us or utmost astonishment that we were explained that all fish

Being that my bud Jeff is also a math wi, knowing what time it was that evening quickly

Excel himself.

I digress.

Immediately, Jeff's reaction to the seafood news, set his stomach on a whirlwind worse

Jeff started throwing up in his mouth.

Not once, but twice.

Olli, their Chihuahua, started barking frantically as he knew his owner was in trouble.

And he was!

Four exclamation marks.

Jeff being the stud he is, got up and pretty much did a fifth grades first place standing long

Poor Jeff for having that kind of reaction to being told that they cannot blacken fish because

Bottom line, if you want fresh seafood, don't come here.

Come here for the drinks, views, and service.

That's it.

By the way, since Jeff had too much to drink and was way too green, his wife flew them home.

And she doesn't even have a license.

Truth be told, she can out fly both Jeff and me!

17 exclamation mark.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

What the actual F?!

I mean, so much to unpack here with Craig N.

First of all, thank you to your friend who found this review.

Marc.

Thank you, Marc.

For finding this, what a find.

Great job.

I kind of felt like I was on a scavenger hunt when this was going on, looking for the

Um, I just have, I know the weirdest details now about Craig's life and I

Also, like your friend was puking because he had a million whiskeys, like...

Thank you!

It doesn't make any, it makes like no sense.

Like, first of all, yes, like that is gross if that's true.

That they prepare the fish in advance.

I can't imagine how that would be true.

Is that like, do you think that that's true?

It can't, it can't be.

Like marinade it in advance.

Like I don't, like I like, um, Jeff, I also don't eat fish

Me either.

Oh my God.

I love that about you.

Ugh.

Anyway, I digress as does Craig.

I mean, the only information Craig gave us about this restaurant was positive.

Right?

I know.

Right.

That's so weird.

What's the name of that restaurant again?

Oh Splash at the Boat House.

Yeah.

What a splash.

They had my goodness, God like such, just such pretentiousness.

I could puke,

I mean, if I were to ever try to communicate the definition of the word douche,

I feel so gross.

Agreed.

Jeff must think that he is like Jeff Foxworthy.

Like he thinks he's very funny.

So there's a few like jokes in here, that just come off..

Wait, Jeff thinks he's funny or Craig thinks he's funny?

Sorry.

Craig.

Right.

Craig thinks he's a comedian.

Yes.

For sure.

And what does that have to do with any like, no, one's going to get like

Very strange.

Also what is the Chihuahua, Olli, have to do with anything?

And what is the fact that he has a hot blonde German wife has to do with anything?

He didn't even bring her up again.

It's like he introduced this character and then he just let her, like, what happened to the wife

Also, why do we need to know that this plane they flew was $2.5 million.

Gross.

I'm already hate you.

I already hate you.

And like, what is a perfect place to land so that everybody is watching you and

And didn't he start, I was confused.

He started in the beginning saying something about having the flight

And then he ends with the wife.

Are those, is that the same?

So he's saying that he and his hot blonde German wife, Craig, decided to

Who is Jeff.

Oh.

So Craig and Jeff are both pilots.

Craig's a pilot?

I think, oh, maybe he isn't a pilot, but he's the best pilot he

I think so.

But then, but then in the end he was like, he said the Jeff's wife flew the plane without a license.

She can out fly both Jeff and me.

So I do think,

Oh so then maybe he is a pilot?

I don't know.

He is gross.

I feel like this is like that, that Billy Madison quote, where they're like, I am

Like I, I really..

Well on that note, I am not a math wiz, but Craig points out that

But then uses the word astonishment, two or three times, to his astonishment, Jeff

So that doesn't add up because if you had three rounds the whole time, but then he had five.

So, and you were there before he was so what, three rounds of five?

What's that?

Cause apparently Jeff drinks like a fish.

I think Jeff just drinks very fast.

But Jeff throws up because of the way the fish has prepared.

Not because he had five whiskey sours and was so like done that he

It doesn't make any sense because Craig is giving us all the details to

Like it's bizarre.

It's like, well, of course he threw up, he had five whiskey sours and like 20 minutes.

I'm also curious, how do you throw up in your mouth twice?

If you throw up in your mouth once aren't you going to then have to get it out?

Like how do you then throw up and then throw up again in your mouth?

I imagined that it was like a w...w...

and then he like just was like, let me get outta here.

And also that poor body of water it's now covered in Jeff's puke.

Ugh.

Dis-gus-sting.

Okay.

So also, like, I'm a little bit upset that this reviewer's name is Craig.

Cause my dad's name is Craig and obviously, like I had a lot more high hopes for Craig N just

Also he just like, he's all over the place.

Like he starts with like this, he calls it a joint.

Right?

And then bless her heart.

I remember that part.

He is from Texas.

Okay.

All right.

It is funny to me because it says bottom line, if you want fresh seafood, all caps don't

Yeah.

And they're telling us that it's not fresh because I think this waiter was

Like, does it...

Doesn't make any sense.

How do you prepare fish in the morning?

Yeah, no.

It would be cold.

Like how?

I don't know.

It just, it doesn't make any sense to me.

I'm not buying that this place would pre cook their fish and then what microwave it?

Yeah.

That doesn't make any sense.

I feel like this whole review, Is so lacking in value because it's just sort

So gross.

Like I feel like Craig wrote this review so that on Monday he could like read it to his friends.

I mean, I, hear that.

I mean, it does feel like who brags about their friends, $2.5 million, anything.

I mean, that's just so odd anyway, the spelling and the grammar is actually pretty fantastic.

I wonder if Craig was like highly educated aside from being a pilot, which is

True.

I feel like I'm struggling as a Review Queen with the entertainment value,

Cause it was so ridiculous and over the top and crazy, and the details were like wackadoo.

And I, like I said, felt like I was on a scavenger hunt trying to figure out

Like when are we talking about Splash at the Boathouse?

Because like I missing it.

And so I'm like, do I attribute that entertainment to Craig for

Or is it that I was entertained because people like Craig exist and would feel the need to

On Yelp for some person to read and not have any, like, was that why I was laughing?

I don't know.

Maybe Craig was drunk from the three rounds when they wrote this.

I did think that.

I did wonder about that.

I'm glad you brought that up because I was thinking the same thing.

I was like, I wonder if he was like hammered and writing this on the plane ride back.

I guess.

I just feel like, I don't know.

What do you think?

Do you feel like we attribute the entertainment to Craig or are we entertained

I think it's entertaining because it's ludicrous.

Like it doesn't, it's completely invaluable to like, there's, there's nothing going on here,

It's like, "Go away, like..."

bragging about this, what emotional support Chihuahua?

But it has nothing to do with the restaurant.

Like I think it was a miscommunication from the waiter that was misinterpreted.

And I don't believe that Jeff threw up because of information.

I mean maybe, but I also think he threw up because he was so loaded.

I think it's very obvious.

Oh God.

A whiskey sour.

Ugh!

And five in, in how long?

20 minutes?

Is that what he said?

So gross.

I think I could crown this.

I think I can crown it too, but before I crown it I just want to make sure

Thank you, Marc!

The Queens are Tabulating.

Okay.

Do you think you're ready?

Okay.

I'm ready.

Are you ready?

Oy, I'm ready.

Total Score..

Okay.

It is unanimous one crown from both of the Queens.

I feel like this is an example of like, you know, how everyone in the reality for you is

Like if I read this, I would be entertained and think it was funny, but it wouldn't,

I mean, I still have the half and my other hand, cause I was debating between one and one and

It's not a review of this restaurant.

Right.

I do know that my friend Marc found this because they were going to this

So I just think like,

Yeah, there's no way from reading this review, I would be like,

No, not impactful.

No.

I just, the entertainment was also the skeaze factor.

So I just gave one, like, I'm sorry to Splash At The Boat House.

This is attached to your company.

Agreed.

Cuz Yeeks!

Wow.

All right.

My Queens, we have reached the most Regal portion of our show.

All right.

Trey.

Who are you inducting for

My Royal Highness.

Okay.

So my Royal Highness this week is a very, very powerful Hollywood woman, her name is I.

Marlene King and she is the creator/showrunner of the hit television show that ran for

I was thoroughly obsessed with this television show.

I joined late.

So I've binged a lot of it.

Pretty Little Liars had some bumps, you know, I.

Marlene King is famous for writing the film Now and Then,

Oh my God.

Wow.

What a Queen!

And had a meeting and was given the property Pretty Little Liars.

It was their first attempt at writing a television show and lasted for seven years.

I.

Marlene King's intention was for it to run for five.

And, uh, they were given a green light for two extra seasons and the show

And so I.

Marlene King was tasked with a very difficult situation of making

And I think that I.

Marlene King gets a lot of, not love in the world because a lot of the fandom

Um, is that the right word?

I think so.

I don't know.

I made it up, um, I think still to this day, it's the number one

Like no one has compared to that, but the fans were so into the show that it's

And I do think that I.

Marlene King was tasked with a very difficult job of keeping these mysteries going for so

I have some, flaws that I have noticed, regardless I am inducting I.

Marlene King because she really entertained so many people.

She really made it cool to want to investigate dig, find clues, be

And so for that reason, I am honoring you, I.

Marlene King, as my Royal Highness.

Thank you for entertaining.

So many people.

Myself included.

Wow.

I had no idea!

It might sound silly, but I like love.

I even have an, a mug.

I did a tour, like I went to Hollywood and did a Warner Brothers Studio Lot Tour, just so that

I sent my headshots in a clear envelope asking casting to see me

And I signed it.

T R dash A Y because they're like they keep getting all these texts from an unknown person.

A, I mean, I was that crazy.

That crazy.

I've loved Pretty Little Liars.

I didn't know this about you.

I love Now and Then though, so I like, I totally support this nomination.

Okay.

Enough.

What about you?

Who are you in ducting for My Royal Highness.

Chels?

Okay.

Well, I am inducting someone that is pretty special to both of us.

I'm going to do it, and I'm going to induct Emily Kratter because she deserves it.

Emily Kratter is the person that introduced Trey and I, none of this

She is the biggest cheerleader of both of us.

She is the first person to reach out, comment, you know, support us whenever

She's so busy and it has so much going on in her life.

And yet she still finds the time to compliment us and build us up and let

And she's amazing.

Also, Emily and I we've been playing phone tag for like 10 years and we do this really fun thing

And I just think that says a lot about her and our friendship and our commitment to being friends.

So Emily Kratter, I hope you love this because we love you so much.

And it is, I mean, it is beyond time that we induct you as Our Royal Highness.

I love you, Em.

I mean, I fully concur.

Yes, she is the female version of a mensh.

She

is the biggest, the biggest, the best mensh.

I love it.

Okay.

Well, we did it.

We're at the end of this episode,

Listener Voicemail.

Oh, stop.

Oh my goodness.

All right.

Today we have a Listener Voicemail that is so extreme that we have

And here it is, Chelsey.

Get ready.

I can't wait to hear it.

I'm scared.

Hi, this is JoJo calling in with a review from Joshua A of Pieces

So just for context here, Pieces Bar is a gay bar

in the west village.

Yes, you got it.

VOICEOVERAnd it reads:

Pieces...of broken mirror.

VOICEOVERAnd it reads:

Yep.

VOICEOVERAnd it reads:

That's what was strewn everywhere as the bouncer pulled the lesbian slash ex-con out of the bar in

VOICEOVERAnd it reads:

And that was really when we knew it was time to leave.

VOICEOVERAnd it reads:

Pieces, as made apparent by their logo and uninspired theme night, is the quintessential

VOICEOVERAnd it reads:

Pushy patrons were so sweet as to help me drench my shirt in my own drink on a few instances.

VOICEOVERAnd it reads:

Which was fine, anyway, since my vodka soda may as well have been a glass of water,

VOICEOVERAnd it reads:

At least one of the doctors at the hospital might be hot.

VOICEOVERAnd it reads:

Cause you're certainly not going to find anyone mildly attractive here.

No.

Oh!

Scene!

My God!

Do it one more time.

So you have a second take

JoJo, we've heard it,

We love JoJo!

JoJo, first of all, you don't need a second take.

That was such a good reading.

That was amazing.

Wow.

I'm blown away.

We have the best listeners.

I mean, that is a review from 2009!

JoJo, have you just been sitting on this review and now you have the

I have been to Pieces and, and it's just, you know, it is what it is.

It's like, you go there and you get a drink and it's like, of course that's water down.

That's like any bar you go to.

It's true, but also like high points on that review for entertainment.

Like I was thoroughly taken on a journey, entertained lots of imagery, the picture

I also love Joshua, the reviewers, storytelling of the patrons

Oh my God.

Hilarious.

So funny.

Thank you, Joshua.

Thank you Jojo for bringing this.

What a queen.

And also like, I think I would crown Joshua pretty high.

Should we crown Joshua?

Yeah, let's do it.

Total Score.

Yeah.

Same.

Unanimous four crowns.

I had just took away one crown.

Cause like you said, like this is like kind of a like dive.

I don't know.

Our expectations should be pretty low.

If we go to this bar, we know why we're there, but high, high points on

I took one crown away because I didn't really like the low blow of saying

That's sort of like unnecessary doesn't have anything to do with like working, I guess.

Well, I guess sometimes gay bars, bartenders have their very muscular shirtless

Don't think that's the M.O.

at Pieces though.

No, no, but I, um, I do think that the chances of, um, like lesbian ex-con

I love it.

And that is why we love.

Jojo,

Jojo, you get five crowns, Jojo.

Jojo gets five crowns without a doubt.

Ugh, if you don't have an agent already, we gotta sign you.

That was a great reading.

And, Jojo was going to give us a second read, cuz JoJo's a Pro.

So you know what?

Kudos to Jojo.

Okay, well, queen we did it.

That's another round in the ear hole.

I hate when you say that!

I hate it too.

We gotta think of a new one.

Okay.

Thank you guys so much for joining us today.

If you like, what you heard, please tell a friend.

If you didn't like what you heard, please tell an enemy.

If you want to be like Queen JoJo, hit up our voicemail box y'all it's 1-850-REVIEW-0.

You can read us a review just like Jojo, or you can lodge your own complaint.

Or I really would love if people would start calling in and leaving

You can follow us if you'd like, or if you would please @TheReviewQueens.

and I'm @ChelseyBD begrudgingly.

And I do want to just clarify Chelsey spells her name.

C H E L S E Y.

Correct.

And I'm @TreyGerrald with two RS.

Okay.

You know, we have weird family members apparently.

Anyway, please become a member of the Royal Court by joining our Patreon at

Please go subscribe and watch

Yes and remember, ignore the haters.

You're a queen!

Gender non-specific queen.

Obviously!

Bye!

Watch out for broken mirror shards everywhere!

And lesbian ex-cons!

Review That Review is an independent podcast.

Certain names have been redacted or changed to protect the guilty.

Executive produced by Trey Gerrald and Chelsey Donn with editing and sound designed by

Our cover art was designed by LogoVora and our theme song was written by Joe

Love it.

Bye.