Finding Freedom in Forgiveness – A Powerful Path to Healing

Hey, friend. Welcome to Born to be a Butterfly, the podcast where we embrace transformation, healing, and growth.

I'm Nina Pajones, and I am so glad that you're here today. If you've been following along, you know that this podcast is all about change.

It's about shedding the past and stepping into the best and most beautiful version of yourself that God created you to be.

Today's episode is one of the most important topics that will ever cover forgiveness.

It's something that we all struggle with at some point,

whether it's forgiving ourselves, forgiving someone else, or if we feel like we need forgiveness from God.

But here's the truth.

Forgiveness is not just for the person who wronged you.

It's for you.

So let's dive in.

First, I want to discuss what forgiveness is and what it isn't.

Because forgiveness is often misunderstood,

some people think that forgiving someone means excusing their behavior or acting as if nothing happened.

But that's not true.

Forgiveness is about releasing the hold that pain has on you.

It's about choosing freedom over bitterness.

And Jesus made it clear that forgiveness is an integral part of our faith.

In Matthew 6, 14, 15 NIV version,

he says,

for if you forgive other people when they sin against you,

your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive others their sins,

your Father will not forgive your sins.

And that's a pretty powerful statement. I know the first time I read that,

I was scared.

I was. I was really concerned because forgiveness was something that I struggled with greatly. I've struggled with it my entire life, since childhood. So when I read this, I was early in my sobriety journey and early in my journey of coming back to the Lord.

And I thought to myself,

oh, my gosh, well, if my Father in heaven is not going to forgive me if I don't forgive others,

I really need to work on this because I knew I had a tremendous problem in this area. I was a grudge holder. I just was.

And I could tell you that it did not serve me well.

In fact,

holding the grudges became like carrying baggage that nobody wants.

We're not talking Louis Vuitton baggage here, you know what I mean? Wasn't fancy luggage. It wasn't lovely. There was nothing nice about it. My baggage was literally filled with burdens,

like burdens on my soul, burdens on. On my heart.

It was this endless cycle of anger and resentment and unforgiveness.

We have a saying in the recovery circles, and you'll often hear it in meetings and the expression is resentment is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to get sick.

And I know you're saying, well, that's resentment, but no, no,

that also applies to not forgiving someone.

And quite often the reason we don't forgive someone is because we resent them or we resent what they've done.

So that applies in both cases. Whether it be forgiveness, whether it be resentment,

it's like swallowing a poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

And it's just, obviously it's foolish.

It's making you sick.

We make our souls sick as we're carrying around this pain and this hurt.

So I'm going to refer to Matthew 6, 14, 15 one more time, where Jesus says, for if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive others their sins,

your Father will not give your sins.

Jesus isn't saying that to guilt us.

He's showing us that forgiveness is a heart condition.

When we hold on to unforgiveness, it hardens us,

which distances us from God,

and it keeps us trapped in pain.

So why is forgiveness so hard?

I mean, if forgiveness were easy,

we would not struggle with it as much as we do sometimes.

So why is it so difficult?

There are four reasons I'm going to go over with you,

and the first would be that pain feels permanent.

When somebody hurts us deeply,

it feels like the wound will never heal.

It feels like we're just walking in the world wounded and in pain and nobody understands. You feel so alone in it,

and it feels permanent.

And I'm not going to say the old cliche of time heals all wounds, right? You hear that all the time. We've all heard that. For probably most of our lives we've heard that.

But that's not accurate. That's not true at all.

The truth of the matter is there's a lot that's involved in healing from something that's hurt us. There's a lot of stages we have to analyze and emotionally unpack what happened,

and we have to walk through it. We have to feel the pain.

We can't get away with not feeling the pain.

When we try to avoid the pain, that's actually when we make things worse because we're denying our feelings. And then we're just kind of expecting ourselves to forget about it and move on.

So the old adage of time heals all wounds is inaccurate. Because think about it.

If you suffered a great betrayal,

somebody broke your heart, maybe, I don't know, they were unfaithful or it was a friendship, and. And this person betrayed your trust, whatever the case may be, right? We've all been there, unfortunately.

And if you haven't,

consider yourself lucky, but most of us have. And if you never addressed it with yourself,

with that person,

but mainly really with yourself,

because it's your wound, you're responsible to find healing for it. If you don't address it at all and you just pretend it never happened, do you think 20 years from now your soul's gonna feel any better about that betrayal?

Do you think all that time is gonna make the pain any less?

I'm gonna liken an emotional wound to a physical wound to make my point. Okay,

let's say you were a runner, right? And while you were training, you sprained your ankle and it was pretty severe.

And you went, got an X ray and they told you, hey,

you know what, Stay off of it for a couple of weeks.

Wrap it up with an ace bandage and put some ice on it and take something for the inflammation or what have you.

Just say that that's what they tell you to do,

but you don't do any of that.

You don't even go so far as to put your foot on a pillow to elevate it to. To like bring the swelling down that way.

You've done nothing that they suggested that you do to help yourself heal that sprained ankle.

You've done none of those things.

So let's say that's the case.

Do you think that just a couple of weeks time passing by without actually doing anything to physically heal the wound? Right, the sprained ankle, you've implemented nothing in your regimen of self care to take care of that ankle.

Do you think that a mere two weeks time passing by is going to heal the ankle? Like, that's it, the time healed it. Okay, yeah, Two weeks later. So now I have,

you know, no problems with my ankle. My leg is fine. I can do everything I'm. I'm supposed to do or I want to do.

You didn't give that wound the attention and the care that it needed so that it could heal.

And the same thing goes for our emotions. It's the same thing.

And that's why I wanted to make that an example, because I think some people,

I think they forget because you can't physically see an emotional wound. I think people want to forget that. It needs just as much care as a physical wound that we're trying to tend to on our body.

It's the same.

It needs us to Pay attention to it. It needs us to do whatever it is that we need to do to create an environment where it can heal itself.

So I need to create an environment where I can heal myself emotionally, and so do you.

So, pain?

No, it's not permanent, but it does have to be addressed or it will become permanent.

I just had to say that, especially with this particular topic of forgiveness and pain feeling permanent. I had to because it's so important.

Number two,

we want justice.

And I think I touched on this in the last episode, but I'm going to bring it up again because this is a common theme for most of us. We've been wronged.

So we want revenge, right? Or they should suffer. I'm suffering. I mean, it's not good to ever want anyone to suffer.

But the truth of the matter is, when we're hurt, those dark thoughts will go through our minds.

And when they do,

then we really do need to plead the blood of Jesus over those thoughts and rebuke them in the name of Jesus, because that's not how we want to think and it's not what we want to do.

Ego might be telling us,

I want revenge. This is what we should do. This is what we have to do. But that doesn't mean it's what we should do. It doesn't mean that's the behavior that will honor our Heavenly Father, because it won't.

It won't. So that's number two. We want justice.

Number three,

the other reason it's difficult is because trust is broken.

But I want to be clear about this, because again, this is another misconception that people have, and that is that forgiveness requires reconciliation.

That's what some people think.

They think that forgiveness means I have to reconcile with this person that hurt me. I have to give them entry back into my life again. I have to let them come back into my world as if nothing happened.

That's what forgiveness entails. That's what I need to provide to them. That's what I'm going to have to do. No, no, no, no.

No one should ever tell you that forgiveness requires that somebody regain entry into your life.

That you have to give them access to you. In the same way,

if anybody tells you that that is wrong, that is absolutely not the case.

I mean, in some cases, you. You might be able to forgive the person and move on and move forward together in a relationship or a friendship. And, you know, maybe the.

The grievance or the. The infraction wasn't so horrible that you can't allow them back into your world.

If that's the case, then that's fine.

But if the wound is so deep that just the thought of them being in close proximity to you emotionally makes you feel really, really uncomfortable, then no, you don't have to do that.

So that's really a case by case basis and something that you get to figure out for yourself.

And then four.

We feel that they don't deserve our forgiveness. But here's the truth.

Forgiveness isn't about whether or not they deserve has nothing to do with that. It's about freeing yourself from their control over your emotions.

In Ephesians 4, 31, 32, Paul tells us,

get rid of all bitterness,

rage and anger,

brawling and slander,

along with every form of malice.

Be kind and compassionate to one another,

forgiving each other,

just as in Christ. God forgave you.

And I touched on this earlier.

Bitterness is heavy.

It will weigh us down spiritually, mentally,

even physically.

God doesn't call us to carry it.

He does not want us to carry the burden of bitterness.

He does not.

He calls us to release it.

So how do we actually forgive?

I'm going to go over three biblical steps that I believe will help you on that journey.

Number one, acknowledge the hurt.

Again, you cannot heal what you do not confront.

This is when you bring your pain to God in prayer.

Be honest with him.

Tell him everything that you're feeling.

If you're feeling angry,

if you're feeling disillusioned, if you're feeling disappointed, if you're feeling betrayed,

whatever feeling you're having, or all of the feelings that you're having, right?

Bring them to the Lord.

Tell him you don't want to carry all of these negative emotions anymore.

Ask him to help you get out of the darkness so that you can shine his light in the world.

Number two,

choose to forgive.

And let me be clear, this is really, really important.

Forgiveness is not a fear feeling.

It's a choice.

You may not feel like forgiving,

but as you step into the process,

healing can begin.

So I'm going to give you a piece of advice when it comes to this.

And I've utilized this many times during my sobriety journey. And it was a dear friend of mine who helped me and who gave me this piece of advice that I'm passing along,

and that is asking God for the willingness to forgive.

Let me repeat that.

Asking God for the willingness to forgive.

That's different,

right? Think about it.

If you feel like you're in a space where you cannot even conceive of a way of forgiving someone for what they've done because it was just that bad and you're that hurt,

then going to God and asking him to help you become willing to contemplate forgiving them,

then that's your first step.

Because you're like, I can't even. I don't want to forgive them. Okay, okay.

And you could be completely justified in feeling that way. I know in my life with certain things, I was like, they. They don't deserve it. I don't want to forgive them.

I truly felt that way. So I understand if that's where you are, but that's not where you can stay. You can't stay stuck in that.

So that's where this prayer comes in handy,

where you're going to say to God, lord, you know the posture of my heart right now.

You know, I have no desire to forgive this person for what they've done to me.

I'm nowhere near it. I'm nowhere near close.

But yet I know that you call us to forgive our brothers and sisters in Christ.

You call us to forgive because you have forgiven us.

So I ask you, Lord, please give me the willingness to forgive this person.

And I'm not saying that the first time you pray this prayer, like, you're gonna wake up the next morning and all of a sudden be, like, seized with an extraordinary amount of goodwill towards that person, right?

I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that at all.

But it is a powerful prayer.

It is. I've prayed it.

Now,

let me be clear when I say that there have been certain times that I've had to pray that prayer for a long time,

because that particular situation and that particular person,

just something happened that was almost inconceivable to me where I couldn't comprehend how they had done what they did.

I'm sure you've been there,

right?

I think we all have.

So in those instances,

I had to pray that prayer continuously for months and months and months at a time. I mean, there was.

There was one situation that I prayed that prayer for probably the better part of a year,

and I didn't even realize that God had started changing me,

you know, softening my heart towards that person. And I didn't even realize that he had started giving me the willingness to forgive that individual.

I didn't even notice it was happening in my innermost being, if you will,

until I saw the person.

I saw the person, and my first reaction was not anger,

surprisingly enough to me, right? I saw the person, and I was like, oh,

oh, I haven't seen that person in a while.

That was the first thing I thought.

And when I realized that seeing that person didn't immediately bring my mind and my heart back to the thing that they had done, when I realized that that didn't occur, that wasn't an immediate connection for me.

Once I saw that person,

then I knew that the Lord had done great work in my soul without my even realizing it.

And I'll tell you something else.

The peace that I felt at the thought that that person no longer had the ability to fuel animosity and resentment and anger.

They didn't have that power.

There was a peace in my soul that came from the knowledge of that.

Because I had my power back. They no longer had power over my emotions.

I did. Or actually God did.

So it works,

is what I'm trying to say. It might take some time,

and for certain things, more time than others, but try it.

I can. I can tell you from personal experience that it does work.

And as for justice,

it's important to know what God says about justice.

So when we want to go out there and be like an emotional vigilante,

never a good idea. But we have our moments, right, where we're going to want to do that. We're human.

We always need to remember that God will handle the justice.

It's not healthy for us to handle it,

because when we're vindictive or try to be, or even want to be, I mean, it's hard to control the wanting to be. But if we actually come up with a plan and look to execute the plan of revenge,

it drags us into the darkness.

We're no longer the light.

When we're behaving that way, when we're thinking that way, when we're scheming in that fashion to get this person back and hurt them the way they've hurt us, that's exactly what the enemy wants us to do.

He wants us to get stuck in those dark moments, in those dark, dark places with all the negative emotions that come with them. He wants us to live there. Of course he does.

That's where he lives.

So that's why it is so,

so incredibly important that we remember who we are in Christ and that we know that we have a God that will handle the justice.

We need to leave it to him.

Romans: 12:19

do not take revenge, my dear friends,

but leave room for God's wrath.

For it is written,

it is mine to avenge, I will repay, says the Lord.

When we forgive,

we release the burden of Seeking justice.

God sees everything,

and he will handle what needs to be handled.

We only have to have faith in Him.

Now, I want to discuss forgiving yourself.

Because sometimes that's the.

That's the hardest thing to do, isn't it?

So let me ask you,

have you ever replayed a past mistake over and over,

wishing you could undo it? Wishing you could go back in time and just make another choice?

Say something different, do something different?

You're not alone.

We've all been there.

There's regret in all of our stories.

And those are the times where we need to forgive ourselves the most,

not the least.

It's unfortunate that the greatest pain that we sometimes feel in our stories comes from the things that we did,

the things that we did to ourselves or to other people.

Sometimes those are the things that might break us the most. And those are the things that we have the hardest time finding forgiveness for because we think we're not worthy of it.

I know it can be difficult,

but here's the good news.

God's grace is bigger than your past.

In 1 John 1:9 NIV,

we're reminded if we confess our sins. He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

If God,

who is perfect,

can forgive you,

then who are you to withhold forgiveness from yourself?

It's time to walk in the freedom that forgiveness will give you.

I want to leave you with a few practical ways to walk in forgiveness every day.

Number one,

pray for the person who hurt you. I know, I know that's a tough one. I struggled with it immensely when I was in rehab. I had to. I had to pray for the person who hurt me.

It was someone I hadn't been able to forgive in so many years.

But my desire for a better life far exceeded my need to hold on to that grudge.

My desire to be a better person far outweighed the thing that they had done to me.

My desire to stay sober was far greater than my desire to see them suffer.

I chose me.

I chose me. I chose to be free from all the negativity. I chose the light instead of the darkness for the first time in so many years.

I mean,

that was a monumental moment for me.

I consider it miraculous,

I really do,

because there's no way I got there by myself.

The Lord had to have softened my heart so that I could actually put myself in the posture where I said to him, I want to forgive this person.

Please help me get there.

So when I tell you to pray for that person.

I'm not telling you that it's going to be easy.

No,

I'm not telling you that it's something you want to do.

I'm not telling you that at all.

I am telling you that if you want to heal,

it's something you have to do.

So that's the first step,

then the second is to write a letter.

But let me be clear.

Writing this letter is contingent on your ability not to send it. Okay? This is a letter that's not supposed to go anywhere.

If you think for one second that it might wind up in the mail or become an email or a text message, please don't write it. If that's the case,

just wait until you can exercise self control and then write the letter. Okay, Fair enough. All right.

But if you're in a place where you can trust yourself and you feel very confident that the letter will not go anywhere that it shouldn't,

then write it.

Because it does help you process your emotions and it does help you release the pain that you're feeling because you can say whatever you want to say and you don't have to worry, you know, about how somebody's going to receive it or what somebody's going to think of you after you've said it.

It's on a piece of paper.

You can crumple it up into a ball.

The whole point of the exercise is that you process your pain on paper.

It's a lot safer there than it is in a conversation where you lose control and you say something you, you know, you shouldn't have said. And now you've got regret on top of all the other feelings you're feeling.

Right? Oh, now I. Oh, I wish I didn't say that thing. I wish I didn't do that thing. You don't need that in your story.

So try writing it down.

And then the third is set boundaries.

This is critical because again, I'm going to go back to what I said earlier. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you continue to allow them access to your life.

You don't have to give them more opportunities to hurt you. You don't.

You get to decide whether they get another chance to be a part of your world, a part of your life.

I'm going to put it this way.

I'm going to use an analogy, and I'm going to use a house.

Because a very good friend of mine always used to make analogies with houses. And I just feel that they work well. They do. So here we go.

Imagine your house.

And that person had the key to your front door or if you have a keypad, they had the code.

Just because you forgive them doesn't mean you shouldn't change the lock.

Change the lock if you have to. That's okay.

You are well within your rights to deny them access.

You don't have to give them the ability or the access to walk through that door and come sit in the living room and make themselves comfortable on your couch. You don't have to do that.

Forgiveness does not give them absolution.

Healthy boundaries will always protect your heart.

So protect your heart.

Step number four Remind yourself of God's forgiveness.

Meditate on Scripture.

There are so many scriptures about God's infinite grace and mercy.

So I would suggest you read them.

Look them up in the Bible or the Bible app.

So convenient. It really is. I'm always going to mention the Bible app. I just have to because it's so convenient. I use it all the time. I really do.

So if I were you, if you have it, I would look up,

just put the word forgiveness in the search bar.

Put grace, put mercy.

Right. Whatever it is you need to look up to fortify you.

What's important is that you meditate on it once you find it every day.

Even if it's just one verse,

whatever resonates with you, it convicts you. When you read it. You're like, yes,

I feel that in my soul.

And it inspires you to do the thing that God is calling you to do.

So meditate on the word.

Forgiveness is a journey.

It's not a one time event.

Some wounds take a long time to heal.

But every step that you take towards forgiveness is a step towards peace in your soul and healing for your heart.

And before we go, I want to pray over you Father.

We come before you with our hearts that have been wounded.

We ask for your strength to forgive those who have hurt us just as you have forgiven us.

Help us to release the bitterness and pain that we've been holding onto.

Please give us the peace that transcends all understanding.

We thank you Father for your love,

your grace and your mercy.

In Jesus name,

if this episode spoke to you today, I would love to hear from you.

Please feel free to share your thoughts with me on social media or you can send me a message.

And if you know someone who needs to hear this,

please send it their way because forgiveness is a gift that we all need.

Also, don't forget to follow Born to Be a Butterfly so you don't miss the next episode.

Until next time. Remember the Lord can turn your wounds into wings.

You were born to be a butterfly,

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