In this episode of Mealtime Magic & Mayhem, host Tricia Clark is joined by parenting and behavior coach, Meagan Duncan. They dive into the unique perspective of using cooking as a way to build emotional connections with children. Meagan, who is both a foster mom and a bio mom, shares her journey of bringing foster kids into her home and creating a cohesive household with her own children.

🔸 Meagan emphasizes the importance of cooking with kids, highlighting how it touches on various points. Cooking allows parents to model making mistakes, cleaning up, and understanding that mistakes don't define them. It also provides an opportunity to bond and connect with the children.

🔸 Tricia and Meagan discuss how cooking not only promotes connection but also instills important life skills like cooperation, math, and problem-solving.

🍽️ The conversation moves on to modeling behaviors while cooking together. Meagan stresses the importance of parents modeling quality behaviors for their children, such as trust, tasting each other's creations, and rating dishes together.

Tune in to this episode of Mealtime Magic & Mayhem to learn more about the emotional power of cooking with kids and how it can foster confidence and connections. 🎧👨‍🍳👩‍🍳

Meagans Links:

Website: Connectedkidsthrive.com

20 Tips for Cooking with Kids: https://4kids.s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/20%2BBenefits_of_Cooking+_with_our_Kiddos_ConnectedKidsThrive+(4).pdf

Welcome to another episode of Neil Time Magic in mayhem.

We're mixing things up a little bit today, and I have Megan

Duncan here with me. She is a parenting and behavior

coach, and she has a really unique perspective on cooking the kids in the kitchen.

She is a foster mom and a bio mom, and she's been

serving families for over 16 years. She's certified and positive

discipline with a background of pediatric speech therapy,

and really uses proven tools of positive discipline to get kids

to listen and cooperate without having to yell, bribe, threaten,

or Umish. She really loves to encourage parents to cook

with their kiddos, and we're gonna hear more about her

philosophy on making connections in the kitchen, but I'm so

excited to have you here to talk to us

about all of these things from really building that sense of

family, to how we connect with kids in the kitchen

to a discussion on maybe some picky eating. I think

there's just a wealth of information that we could go into. So welcome

to podcast. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you. I'm excited to be

here. So could you share a bit about

your journey, or what does that look like? You're a parenting and behavior coach.

You've got your own kids. You're bringing foster kids into your home.

What does that look like? Like, I can only imagine the challenges

that can lie in that space because you're bringing foster

kids in, and there's a reason that they need to come to your home. Right?

They have their own challenges. And then you've gotta create this

cohesive household with your own children. What does that look like? And how do

you use cooking to do that? So I will scream

from the rooftops that cooking is the biggest bang for our parenting buck

cooking with our kids. And as soon as possible when I get a

foster kiddo in, we make cookies because it

touches all the points I wanna touch. I can model making a mistake. I

can model just cleaning it up. I can help them understand that

mistakes don't define them that we can just clean it up and

move on. We can work on all the skills I'm not that that's a priority.

We can just bond and connect. And I am inviting

them into this realm that has been forbidden for so many of them. they

can do no wrong. We're side by side and my bio

daughter loves to come in and we become a team

right off the bat and it is cookies really do

save the world, I think. So -- I mean, what kid does love cookies?

Right. And then we can enjoy them together. There's

evidence of the cooperation that we had, evidence of the awesomeness of

our time together, and evidence that they can do good

because they have forgotten so much at the time that they can do good,

that they are good. So I get to load up on their good the whole

way through, touch on all five love languages as we're cooking and

it's it's amazing. It changes everything right off the get go.

fat is beautiful. I just it gives me goosebumps. It really gives me

goosebumps. The other thing I think that's really cool about you getting those kids in

the kitchen, the connection is amazing and so much of what my business is about.

But I think we forget sometimes that cooking instill

so many life skills from that cooperation, that connection, but

also math skills, process,

and probably a lot of these kids haven't had parents that are working with

them on their homework and on those skills and had a problem solve when

something isn't going right. And so it encompasses so much. Not only

do I think it's really cool that you do that in general, but as that

first connection point, that's so cool. And what a great way to

get your kids involved in the process and show them what that looks

like too. that's just beautiful.

Just beautiful. So you've touched a little bit already, but

you emphasize the importance of cooking with kids. How did you discover this unique

avenue for enhancing that parent child connection. Right? Like, I know you're a

parenting and behavior coach, but how did you discover that cooking was that

thing? Is it just because you've always loved to cook or Was it an

experiment? How did you discover that nugget?

Right. So full transparency, I don't love cooking at all.

Whatever. I had a preschool when my kiddo was 3,

and we just started making our lunches together.

And my preschool was way cool. Playbase,

naturebase. We were outside fishing all the time for crawdads. We were building dams. We

were making our tents outside playing in the mud. and the kiddos

love cooking the most. Our cooking sessions for our lunch were an

hour. They sat, they absorbed, and I discovered I could teach

any skill or concept that I wanted them to really hone

right there at the table making cookies or pancakes or

what sandwiches or whatever I'm going for. And what I you touched on

this a second ago, that math and building their vocabulary, and

I loved my own transformation because There was a point when I focused on

that more. But as I worked with kids more and more often, I

discovered that emotional connection the social and emotional

skills are always priority. So when we have

that connection, then we can talk about nonutonian fluids, viscosities,

fractions, all those things after that

connection has been made. And so that was in my kiddos 3 in my

pre goal and then I took that right into fostering. And in that

middle interim piece, my daughter gets to explore in the kitchen

as much as she wants, and she has a great sense of autonomy

and self significance. And because she just gets to go

and create in the kitchen, and we did have to put a boundary in place

over time and do one. The one boundary is

whatever you create can only

result in two cups. at the end.

And because we had bowls of things being created. And so

we put a little bit of a boundary and The other thing that I

actually write a lot on is hypocrisy in our

parenting. And do I taste every dish she

creates Absolutely. That is how we have trust. How

often do we expect our kids to taste our things or

taste all the things on their plate? I will 100%

unless she has mixed baking soda and vinegar. I

taste everything, and we'll rate it together. And We make

videos about this. I have the cutest little video since the time she was for

cooking in the kitchen by herself, me tasting it, and I was just

giggling. And when those memories pop up, So fun. So

I yeah. I just get giddy too. I get goosebumps too. What I wanna point

out to our listeners is hear what Megan said. Children as young as the

age of three can help you with something in the kitchen. It isn't

something to wait until they're older. I moved out of the house and didn't

know how to cook and ended up teaching myself. And I'm here now,

but I would have loved that interaction in the

kitchen to feel welcomed into that process

that that road would have been easier. Now, obviously, this is the road I was

supposed to be on, and that's great. but help your kids develop those life

skills that they are gonna need when they move out. So they're not living on

fast food and ramen. We all go through a ramen and mac and cheese season.

Don't get me wrong. But we need to arm them with more than

that. We need to arm them with more than that. So

You talk a lot about modeling behavior. And in the

kitchen, you really emphasize modeling quality behaviors for kids. Can you

give some examples of the behaviors that parents can instill while

cooking together? And I'm thinking like quality behaviors, not necessarily the

math and the cooking. Mhmm. Yes.

But I would love to take a step back and argue that

Our kids can come into the kitchen. Month

3, month 4. I had my kiddo sitting in the sink

when she was four months old eating a raw beet. It looks like she was

eating a rat. She saw it everywhere and that

beet that beet tail and my kid will eat

salads. She will eat anything. and

when I have foster kiddos, they come in really with palettes that are

very specific to certain foods, very processed foods, but

as they come in, as they're empowered to explore, They end up

eating so many of the things too because their bodies are fully immersed in

creating the things. So 3 years

younger can come into the kitchen and make sure they're safe. But when

we squash opportunities and squash risks that really may

not be there. I just invite us all to think, and maybe we can

be a little bit more flexible with what we're doing. So Yeah. That's a really

good point. I was more thinking from the, like, helping you cook perspective, but absolutely

having them in there. I mean, somebody younger than 3 can rinse the green

beans in the sink and sit there and eat while you're cooking. Like, that encouraging

the trial of all the different kinds of foods as young as possible And then

the other thing I would say, and we'll get into more of this. I think

as we talk about picky eaters is it's not just about having them

try it once. because our taste buds and our taste and our

preferences change frequently throughout our lives.

Mhmm. Flavors change based on how you cook things. Right? changes

changes so much. It's alright. Just to stay on this one more

second. Kittles is young as 1. They can have a bowl and they can have

the components that you're cooking with just stirring in the bowl,

tasting different things. And what we're doing here is developing

their skill of focus. They want to be by you

anyways. My my niece can stay with her

mom for an hour. just stirring and

whatever my sister is cooking and my niece can beat

an hour with her mom just stirring things, random things, So

we're developing so many different skills way beyond what we

think. Yeah. And not just for them, but that makes me think of the moms

that I talk to that are like, I have this newborn, and I

have 3 toddlers. And I don't even have time to cook because I'm trying to

wrangle them. It's a great perspective to bring them in and give

them one task that's in there with you. And,

yes, you might have a little bit more of a mess clean up. We're gonna

talk about that too, but that will also allow

them to learn how to help you do that. and give you a

few more minutes to get that dinner on the table. Yes. So

let's talk about perfectionism. Okay.

How can parents let go of the pressure to be perfect in the

kitchen and focus on that connection rather than the outcome? I know

perfectionism is I'm a recovering perfectionist. And it really

came out in how I attempted to cook for my family and a

source of the frustration for me that kind of led me on this journey.

And so I I'm really curious to hear your thoughts on those ideas.

I would love to invite us all to think about perfectionism

as to sort out the window because it's so limiting.

And honestly, what the dish looks

like doesn't matter. It's about the connect of how that

dish came to be. And it's about

us being present and being involved in the

process. being present in the process. Those three p's let go of

perfectionism because we're perfectly imperfect and

if we just are present and are asking questions

and just being part of the process, the food's gonna end up on the

plate and we're gonna eat the food and the

kitchen's gonna be messy. Yeah. But it's gonna be messy anyways.

We're gonna spend the time anyways keeping the kids out of the kitchen, and then

wondering where they are or just inviting them in, having them sit

with bulls, we're gonna spend the time anyways.

That's so true. And so much of what I work on in my programs is

that mindset of how do we shift that energy of

perfectionism of it feeling like a chore, the stress, the overwhelm, but

having them, you know, all of those things into This

is an opportunity to connect with my people, not

an obligation. And we all have to eat. We're all gonna, like you said,

spend the time anyway fixing the food and sitting down at the table. So we

might as well make the most of that time. And so I

really work with busy women and moms to really break down those barriers

so that they can really approach it from that space because

that stress comes out in the flavor of your food and in the quality of

your food. Regardless of how it looks, we're not talking. Everything has to be gourmet

or you have to do it every night of the week, but it does

energy is contagious one way or the other. Yes. I would

love to add, even if you can't or

choose not to invite the kiddos in and have them all lined up with their

own bulls, if you are getting a sense that one of your

kiddos needs an extra bit of connection It can be so

simple. Invite them in for 1 minute, cut the cheese, break the

broccoli, whatever they can do, and then you can invite them to go back

to their leggos. or go back to the TV, but you were

able to connect with them for a minute, highlight how amazing they are.

And then in 20 minutes, when you're all sitting down, You can say, by the

way, everybody, little Jack here, cut the broccoli for us.

How amazing is that? And then he gets to be appreciated, and then he'll want

to repeat that behavior in the future. That's how we reinforce

good behaviors also. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Alright. So you shared a fascinating statistic with

me. And one of the big

challenges I hear from moms a lot is the challenge of

picky eaters. Right? And so I've had a lot of

conversations with women about what that looks like and different

reasons why they might be picky. And I know that work can ruffle

some feathers, but the truth is as parents, so that's how we look at it

as picky eaters until we start understand why

they're being picky, what's really behind that. And

so you mentioned that well, I'm gonna let you share the

statistic about how many times kids are told what to do and

how that can really play into this realm, kiddos. And I was just

talking with a colleague about this. kittles are told what to do. They're

commanded or demanded 500 to a 1000

times a day on average. And

kiddos who have expressive and receptive challenges and behavior

challenges are even commanded and demanded upon more. And

so we are adding fuel to the fire. and they are going to

bulk. They're going to fight. They're going to scream. They're going to ignore. They're

going to insert their sense of self preservation.

I always encourage my parent clients and all of us to always put

ourselves in our children's shoes and just try to experience. For some perspective,

what that could feel like. And so I

personally try to tell my children what to do zero times a

day. Now we have systems in place where they do the things they need to

do with small, very light. What should you be doing

right now? Or do you have a plan? like, what's going on? Like, I invite

them. So it gives them power and control. We all need

power and control, and we really need to and this goes

right into cooking and picky eating, where are we as parents

asserting and demanding and gaining our own power and control and

why? and then how are our kiddos fighting back for their own

power and control. So, you know,

cooking or eating is just one thing

that as long as we're providing the nutrients

available to them, we can really let go

of our need for control in this realm. Let it be

about connection. Yes. Of course. There's kiddos with

true sensory stuff that really there's

really things going on, but so much of the time, our kiddos are

just dying for some control. And so are we. And so we create

this huge power struggle around dinner time, around meal

times when honestly that's the time that should be most precious. most calm,

most preserved for connection, and we kinda

ruin it a lot of the time. In that study, actually of those

commands and demands that 500 to a 1000, most of those are given around real

time. 3 more bites. Take a taste of this. Why aren't you beating that? Go

get a spoon. Quit snacking. all of those things.

Kiddos have no choice but to bulk.

That's really interesting. That's really interesting.

So I guess what I would ask

is you talked about having your systems in place

and giving 0 demands a day, but let's

say you've got a mom that's starting from ground 0, right, got

a real struggle with a picky eater, and they don't have those

systems in place. What's and I'm a big believer in starting

small to create those stackable habits. Like, what are a

couple of small things that she can do to start

creating those systems to get on that path

to not creating so many orders, if you will, or

demands. So it it really comes from

just looking at our own childhood stuff

and what happened there and why we do the things we do because it

makes a huge difference. We don't even know the things that we

interpret it as kids and how they fester and pop up in us.

One little system that I have in place for the cooking piece

especially is what I call having a poopy mindset or

doing the poopy approach. And so what this means is The

first p is patient. We have to decide it's gonna be messy. We

have to decide, you know what? I'm going to just

breathe through this 10, 20 minutes, whatever it takes, it's gonna be messy, and

that's okay. So patience. And then those two oves is oopsies

into opportunities. So we are gonna be actually

looking for those messes as opportunities. Oh, you ripped that bag of

chocolate chips right open. Wow. Well, it's okay. I'll help you clean it up. I

get the broom, or you think a rag would be better? We're giving them power.

We're modeling these great behaviors. And

then the other p is playful? Can we be

playful at all? And this is where I love to touch on the 5 love

languages myself, but if you're still starting at a

foundational level. Just touching their back.

Just aim to touch their back. Let and that lets them know that they mean

a lot to you that you are thinking about them and you're

ensuring they have a sense of significance and that alone

is the number one thing to get better behavior. is when our children

feel significant to us. And then

if it's a yes, that last y for poopy, if it's a yes to all

of those, Invite your kiddos in for as much time as you

can and then there's one little

system you have for success where you can just

be present and let go of the perfectionism and be

involved in the process. I love that. You talk a lot about

control, and I think this is an opportunity where there's an

opportunity to change the things that we want control over. And maybe

it's resetting or reframing to have more

control over or change the way that we plan the

meals so that there's less fighting. And I don't mean cook all your

kids' favorites every day. I mean things like cook something

you know they enjoy, put something you know they enjoy on the plate,

something you want them to try, and something that maybe they don't love, but you

know that they'll eat it. Right? Because really pays

dividends to, and I love to rotate the family's favorites.

Right? And it doesn't mean I cook everybody's favorite meal, and I don't cook what

I love. I always plan to cook what I love, but I incorporate things

that I know that they will because then they know that they feel seen loved

and heard, and they feel that sense of significance, right, And it's

really about transforming meal time into that space.

And there are so many different ways that we can do that.

So I encourage anybody who's listening to we'll have all our contact

information in the show notes. Obviously, reach out to Megan or reach out to me

if these are things that you need help because our kids

deserve it, and we deserve more at meal time. We all

do for it to really be that sense that really piece of

connection. Right? Yeah. It's yeah. There's lots of

things we can do to give our kiddos power and control it. They're so desperately

wanting it during mealtime so that they can inspire to cooperate

during mealtime. It's a dance. It doesn't have to be a war. It

really is a dance of give and take. and that's our best

work and real time is so important. So I wanna come back to some

actionable tips and strategies again because I feel like that the most helpful if

you're talking to a mom who's at that foundational level. Right? We've talked about tips

and tricks for less demands. tell us some of

the guardrails. Like, you've mentioned, one with your daughter. I I say guardrails. You say

boundaries, but in terms of, like, to bring them in,

and let them have that sense of experimentation. You mentioned discovering that you

needed to have it. It can't be in any bigger of a cup. Are there

other guardrails or boundaries that you found to be helpful? And does that

vary by age, or do you just have some kind of tried and trues that

you found to be very helpful given the kids in your household. Right.

Yeah. So I think one of the number one things we can do across the

board every day is front load our expectations.

if we want to if we can see our kid needs some connection and

we know we've got a lot to do, we really don't want all the kids

in the kitchen, that's perfectly fine. But if we want that one kid to come

in for that one minute, we can say we can front load that

expectation. So we could say you know, hey, buddy. Come here. I

have a question for you. And then so they're gonna come and then you can

say, I just need a little bit of help. Would you like to know,

we we wanna give a choice. Would you like to cut the cheese really quickly,

or would you like to break some broccoli? And then you can go right back.

Would you like to do that? I only need help for one minute. and

they're most likely going to say yes. And then they're gonna get some power because

they get to choose which one. And then you've front loaded one minute,

then you can send them back and they are loaded up. And while they're doing

that, you can give them a back rub, whisper in their ear, Thanks, buddy, so

much. I love being by you. You light me up.

And then thank him, and then he can go. And so that front loading,

no matter what it is, we're going to the park. We're gonna be here 30

minutes. What's our plan for getting back to the car? So front

loading is such a powerful strategy, just letting our kiddos know

the expectations ahead of time. Even better is

asking them Hey. What's we're going to the parks. What's our expectations here?

When they tell us, they're giving us buy in.

I hope that the framing of a of I need help

and which of these things would you rather do? Yeah. It's not get in

here and help me. It's not I need you to do this.

Yes. I I hope that whoever's listening can and or watching

can really feel how that

changes the the energy and the tone of that conversation.

I with you, I also get parents saying my kid hates cooking, and I'm

like, that is so interesting and so telling to

me. So we wherever you are in the cooking journey,

when we invite. So, hey, buddy. I have a quick question. Would you like to

cook with me? I have about 1 minute or anyway. And if they say

no, say, oh, okay. Cool. Maybe next time. This is

about connection. We cannot make it about control.

I love that. You hit on something else earlier about

really as parents and perfectionism and looking back to our own

childhoods. And I've had some amazing conversations with

different moms and different women, and it really is that relationship when you

hear, I hate cooking or I don't like cooking at all. It's really

interesting to really dig into what created

that. And not always. What I want you to think about is it's not always

negative experiences. I had a friend Lynette Williams on the

podcast a couple of weeks ago And hers was

always wanting to have her own nontraditional. She didn't wanna

follow that same traditional lifestyle. that she grew up

with. And she said, I loved having my mom home. I

loved that she cooked for us all the time. I just knew that I didn't

want that to be my life. And that transformed

into, I don't think I like cooking because to her,

that meant following in those footsteps One thing I wanna say, it's not always

a negative that's causing us to have those feelings and those

beliefs. Right? And so really thinking about

that and then deciding if you look at your

meal time routine today, Whether it's your own or with your

kids, do you like the energy that you're bringing to the experience? And if

you don't, Let's change it. Yeah.

Right. Yes. And be willing to reflect

back on our childhoods and see was our parent resistant to us coming

in, like, where and maybe it was not a negative thing just like you said,

but we all have these

triggers that pop up and are we

repeating those patterns with our kids? Are we, you know, how is that

looking? And just being curious and loving and grace, lots of

grace with ourselves and with our parents. They did the best they could with the

tools they had. I fully, fully, if we can believe

that, then I think we'll all be on a different level of consciousness,

but it's just if you have resistance, where is that coming from?

And Yeah. Just being curious. Yeah. And if you wanna have a

conversation about it, by all means, book a call with me. I'm gonna hand

it over to Megan to tell us what she's got going on, where you can

get in touch with her. And I do believe you have, like, a list of

top 20 benefits of cooking with kids you can share. I can.

Yeah. So it would be awesome. If you're interested in learning more, you can go

to connect to kids thrive.com. Find me on Facebook. I have a big parenting

group where we're cooking. Yes. But if you're there, if you're not there, you

can kinda see what's going on and lots of strategies on how to

empower kids to listen and cooperate. the first time or even

before the first time so we can get away from that 500 to a 1000

demands and commands so that we have harmonious, joyful,

households again. Yeah. You can find me there. And, yes, you

can reach out to me and request that or we may put it in the

show notes. I have do you have a document of 20

amazing benefits of cooking with kids that

we should all be if we can receptive to. So it's

amazing. My challenge to you listeners is when you get that

20 benefits, just look at 1. Figure

out. Just think about one of them. And how can you take

one small step toward that? Just one small step. We're not we're not

talking about trying to change everything all at one because that's when we set ourselves

up for failure and we go right back into that perfectionism cycle. Right?

Gotta do it all right now. I'm gonna go from here to here. Okay. So

I realized I forgot to ask you my favorite

kickoff of the interviews. Isn't well, it was supposed to be an

icebreaker question, but today, we're just gonna call it a fun Are you ready?

Uh-huh. If you had to compete in an eating contest,

what food would you choose to consume and why?

my guy's telling me spaghetti because I think it'd be so hilarious. I

don't watching the or I don't know. Although the noodles slapping against

your all the slurping noises. The slurping and

I think it'd go down the throat easy as long as they're with the big

meatballs. That's a

great answer. I'm gonna keep this one up this week, and I'm this is gonna

be my question of the week for everybody I come in contact with. And it's

a fun one. I don't know what mine would

be. Let's think about that. Mine would probably be

popcorn. I can eat a lot of buttered

popcorn. Now I might make myself sick, but I can do it. Then you never

want popcorn again. That would be -- Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I haven't

found that to be true yet. True. Okay. Offwards.

Amazing. Thank you so much for joining us. It has been such a

pleasure. We will be sure to drop all the links in the show notes

And if you're interested in the previous podcast episode with Lannett

about nontraditional breaking those traditions,

So go back and check that out, and I will talk to you all