In this episode of Blindian Brown Girls, we dive deep into the complexities and joys of blended families. From navigating dynamics with ex-partners and stepchildren to redefining what family looks like in intercultural and interracial contexts, we explore the layers that make these relationships challenging yet rewarding. Through personal stories and candid reflections, we highlight the importance of communication, setting expectations, and embracing modern family structures.

Whether you’re part of a blended family or just curious about how others make it work, this episode is packed with relatable insights and actionable advice.

What We Discussed:

• The cultural stigmas surrounding blended families, especially in traditional and intercultural contexts.
• The unique challenges of raising stepchildren and fostering relationships within blended families.
• Stories of navigating ex-partner dynamics and co-parenting with compassion.
• Practical advice for setting expectations and maintaining open communication in blended families.
• Why societal norms need to catch up with the growing prevalence of non-traditional family setups.

Key Points and a Few Things We Said:

• “Blended families can be complex, but they’re also a reflection of love and adaptability.”
• “One of the hardest parts of my divorce was losing the extended family I thought I was a part of.”
• “When expectations aren’t set early, friction builds—and it’s often too late to fix it.”
• “Representation matters. Seeing diverse families on TV helps normalize what so many of us are living.”
• “Traditional families are beautiful, but they’re not the only kind of family that works.”
• “Communicate, communicate, communicate. Blended families thrive on clarity and understanding.”

Let’s Connect!

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We're now on Instagram! @blindianbrowngirls and... if you want to connect with us individually...

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(Upbeat Music)

(...)

(Upbeat Music)

Hey, what's up? How are you doing?

Oh my God. I'm trying not to get sick, which sounds weird.

been sick a little bit.(...) He kind of

was down with something for a bit.

(...)

Avery's not getting sick, but he like,(...) even a cough or it's sniffle to me is like, Oh yeah. Whoa. Sorry for me. I just don't want to be again.

(...)

Like I cannot handle it. And this weekend's going to be so slam to be kind of, we've been off for a week. So yeah, this week, this week has been a very strange week. It is at the time of recording Thanksgiving week here in the United States, but it's always such a like non-week, right? Cause like people are just off. And here in the South, interestingly, kids are off school for the entire week.(...) The entire week. That's like not a saying. No, we did not have that. Like that was not a thing. We have never had that. Like I'm very confused about that. Like that's a long time to have off. For real a whole week during November. And then three weeks later, you're going to be off for another three weeks. That's Christmas and dear is like, I know. Do you think ever go to school? What do you, what do they teach you over here?

(...)

I know. And what do they expect of us as parents? Like, I mean, we're fortunate in that we work from home, but like parents who work in(...) offices and have to go outside the house for work. Like it's so hard. It's so hard. It's so hard, especially if you have like a job with funny hours. You know what I mean? Like it's. Yeah. It's challenging. I also feel like people here though are relatively privileged. Like so many people have one parent who works and one who doesn't.

with two working parents often have au pairs. I feel like it's a very permeance to area.

(...)

Where you live.(...) At least the people that I've met. And like, oh, where you have a friend who at times or we this many or like, but we, your kid is in school already, right here, need many. Oh, wow. It's like, I don't hear that conversation. It takes them to practice and then like bring the.

(...)

Just all the fame.

Oh, wow. Yeah. That used to be my New York life for sure. That's like how all the kids had like 12 nanny. There was like one kid, like three kids, right? Like three siblings, they would have like six nannies. Be like, why so crazy? I don't know. They had this one who does these things and like these, this one who picks them to their extracurriculars and this one who lives in the house. And it was crazy. But like, yeah, no, we don't have that conversation. I don't think people in my neighborhood have au pairs. I don't think that's the thing. But I do see a lot of moms pick up their kids at, you know, every day. So I do. I was just at the park earlier and met two moms who both stay home.(...) And so there are a lot of one single parent working houses for sure. It's a little bit of a different lifestyle, but that is actually kind of what I wanted to chat about a little bit today, because

oh, another one of the moms is that I met this morning is a single mom and navigating a new relationship with somebody who wants to have a child who doesn't have a child. And it got me thinking about blended families and blended relationships and just so many different iterations of family that exists that still somehow aren't feeling totally normalized and aren't like being really represented or talked about, especially now. I

feel like living in Texas, there is much more this idea of the traditional family and the traditional family still means a very traditional thing, like a two-parent household with like, I don't know, what is it, like 2.5 kids or something and a dog and a white picket fence? Like that's like a real thing here in Texas. Like that's like a real thing that doesn't exist in Brooklyn.

Actually, my house in Brooklyn had a white picket fence and we used to laugh because we're like, what kind of fucking white picket fence else is this in Brooklyn, New York? Like it was very funny that I had a white picket fence in Brooklyn. But just, you know, such a different lifestyle, right? And just different values around those things. So I don't meet a lot of single moms here in Texas. Do you like, do you run into blended families? What is your,(...) like, have you met people who are in blended families down here?

I have, it's probably like one or two people.

(...)

And I don't know them super well.

(...)

And

feel like I have a couple of like, teachers, coaches at the gym that are single moms,(...) interestingly enough.

(...)

Uh, and some of them are single moms, but I have a new partner.(...) Oh, okay.(...) So I see that somewhat, but you're right. It's not as prevalent in other parts of the country. Like I think that there's this focus on the traditional household family unit, that kind of thing.

in some ways it's

it's beautiful.

(...)

So many people here try to like stay in their partnerships and like sustain that relationship.

(...)

But I will tell you,(...) I've talked to this mom.

(...)

They look, let me set the stage here.

(...)

We were in a pool at a birthday party and on the other side of the pool and it is the lake, right? So you can like see where they live and they have this massive house. And this woman though is talking to me, leaves like two doors down. So like very, very much the vibe. It's like,(...) I will tell you what her house sold for later, but the core, the core of the story, the whole story is, I was like, I have to know how much do these houses go for. But the core of it,(...) she was telling us that she's going through a divorce.

(...)

And like,(...) I think, I don't think I shared visual signs, but on the inside my, like my jaw was dropped because A, I don't hear many people talk about it. But B, like I haven't seen that many single people, at least in our like area.

So she was just like, Oh, we just sold our house. It's been so great. Cause we got like $8 million for this house that we didn't pay that much for. $8 million in Cyprus, Texas. Yeah.

(...)

Yes. This is why I was like, whoa. Okay.

(...)

In the same area that we went, right? Like our house is not where they believe ours.

(...)

to hear. And she was like,(...) she was very happy about it. And theme,(...) like hallelujah about it. About the divorce. Yeah. Like the whole thing. She seemed very positive about the divorce. So I'm assuming it was a good thing for her.

(...)

She wasn't mentioning it. I mean, it's often a good thing for, yeah, I think people often want it to be more negative than it is for a lot of people who are actually going through it, who feel much more at peace and positive about it. But of course, like I deal with people who are navigating divorce quite a bit. And of course there's like a lot who are very, you know, having a very hard time with it too, but there's a lot who are happy and relieved and, you know, like it's been over for much longer than, you know, by the time you get to that point, it has been over for a long time. Yeah.

(...)

For sure. Yeah. For sure.(...) Yeah. So I definitely like, did you see more blended families or did you know of more blended families in California?

Interestingly, no.

(...)

Like I knew of them or like I saw them around, but not like in my close friend circle.

(...)

Okay. So in your close friend circle, everyone has a more traditional setup or single. Pretty, pretty traditional. Yeah.

And when you say traditional, what's traditional like husband, wife, like are they married? Are they not married? Most of them are married.

(...)

Most of them have kids.

A lot more with like one child than two.

(...)

Appropriate for California.

(...)

Yeah. Like kids are expensive. And you add California stuff to it. Like, yeah, we can only afford one child. Yeah. Uh-huh.

But definitely more,

traditional from that aspect of like, it's been married for a while, we have a kid. I feel like when I was going through a divorce,

remember that many people around me that could actually understand or relate or like know what that was like.

(...)

You know what I mean? Like, they just hadn't been. Yeah.

(...)

I'm trying to think like for me too, if that then the truth.

(...)

I don't know.

(...)

I think probably has been the case. Just I've been the one who was in, when I've always been in blended family. So maybe I just didn't notice because like my reality was the blended family. You know what I mean? Like I, my, in my.(...) So that's, I think for me, been an interesting experience because I don't even have siblings. So for me to like go from two parents and only one child, be an only child to like

(...)

my ex-husband has nine brothers and sisters.

(...)

And his dad had those nine brothers and like those 10 kids with five women.(...) So yeah. Yes. And it's a very interesting story and he also was a public person.(...) So I won't say too much more. Um, but it was interesting to be part of a family that that was like had all of those layers to it and my ex-husband and all of his siblings had a relationship. Everyone had a relationship. Like everyone was close and which was really, really cool to see. You know, like a family that size, especially it's not like one or two moms. It's like multiple mothers. And so like, I definitely saw the possibility. What? What? Were like, what?

(...)

I try to wrap my head around this. Like I'm assuming they all knew about each other and that they weren't all simultaneous relationships.

(...)

Um, they didn't all know each other and they were sometimes simultaneous relationship.

(...)

And so he just did a very good job as the kid grew older to get them together and to make sure they had a relationship.(...) He ended up being married to the same woman for over 30 years after all of that. Like as he got a little bit older, he married the same woman was very mature for 30 years, raised his kids with her in a home. Like kids went to private school. They did the whole like suburban house thing. Like it was a whole different. So, you know, we saw the evolution of this man to like then actually have a very traditional family life, which was out of his very, very crazy blended non-traditional family like start, it was pretty wild.

And so I was part of that, which was interesting, but even within my own situation, my ex-husband had two children with two different women. And so for me, it was a very immediate sort of like, okay, how do I navigate this? This is very, very new to me. It's not something that like we grow up with culturally and South Asian families very often, it's not something that we're exposed to. You know what I mean? So it's like, how do you deal with this? And so it was not easy for me. I had a really hard time.

(...)

Madeline, a lie. I had a hard time, but I had a hard time also because of the, all of the dynamics at play, you know what I mean? His relationship with them,(...) all of the like different dynamics and layers at play. So I had that example for many years. I did have a lot of access to my stepson who was born before I even had a kid myself.

(...)

So I was a mom to him before I was a mom to my own kid. And then,(...) and then, you know, I had Asaya and they all had a relationship. And then after I got divorced,(...) it was the one I realized, you know, and that entire side of the family disappeared. Like they cut me off like as though I never existed.(...) So I was like, oh, so you go like from having this huge family. Like it was an interesting thing because I guess family can do that too. But it's like because it's like a blended family, you know what I mean? It felt like.

(...)

Like you had a break up almost the whole family. The whole thing. Instead of like one person.

(...)

Yes, very much so. Right. And because it's also kind of like, why are you breaking up with me? Because the whole family is blended. And so there are all of these different layers and dynamics anyway. So like it's not like everyone who's still close is in a traditional union. And that's why they're still part of the family. So it was interesting. It was very, very interesting. Interesting.

So I'm curious like why all of that side of the family was already like blended in so many ways.

(...)

Why?

I don't know.

(...)

You know, I realized that the people who were kind of remaining were still sort of in traditional format. You know what I mean? The people who are still kind of like part of the circle, the crew were more in traditional format, but it was like made up of all these different blended components. Hard to explain. Very big family, very strange dynamic. And I would say that that was one of the most hurtful things about my divorce was to have been abandoned by all those people that I thought I had a pretty significant relationship with like over 10 years. You know what I mean? Like I thought it was something but you know, and so that was like a painful sort of reality for me of blended families that I don't know people. I don't think people talk about these things like and then after my divorce, my ex husband did not really allow me to talk to my his kid.

(...)

Right. And so his daughter lived in a different city, like his, her mother and her lived in a different city. So we didn't see her as often, but my stepson, I had been with him since he was born. And so, you know what I mean? And so like, eventually I was basically like your first child in so many ways. Yeah. And him and my son, him and Asaya are super close, like they're like best friends.

(...)

And so that was really hard. Asaya can keep in touch with him.

Well, at the time Asaya was six. So no, but yeah, now yes, but at the time no. So that was really hard. And I didn't have a relationship with the moms. So it wasn't until I became involved with Ty that I saw how different it can look. So Ty has two kids with his ex partner from many, many, many years ago. They haven't been together for many years, but

had two kids when they were in their 20s. So they have been in each other's lives for years and years and years. And she is just like family, you know what I mean? And they haven't been together in like, so Ty's older son, when we got together, his younger son was, I want to say 14 or something like that. And so they hadn't been together in 14 years at that point.(...) Like basically since their second son was very little.

but she was a part of everything. And then even when Seven was born,(...) she was involved in our stuff. You know what I mean? Like she, like recognizing that Seven is her kid's little sister, right? Like, and also recognizing that like her and Ty have not been together in 20 years. You know what I mean? Like years or whatever it was at that point.

just like family, like anybody else. I go over there, she comes over here. Like it's not a big deal at all. And we've done Mother's Day together, we've done Father's Day together. She's remarried as well.(...) So Ty and her current husband have a relationship. A relationship.(...) You know, yeah. So it's and just to see how she's always included in all of the family things that Ty's family does because she is the mother of grandchildren or the nieces, the nephews or whatever, right? So it was just like, holy shit, people do it differently over here. You know what I mean? I was like, oh, this is what was possible and available that like I just never had. I just never had that. I think it also,(...) maybe like part of it. And it may depend on the type of breakup and what the partner has been saying about you to his or her family, right? Like, of course, of course. If he's talking all kinds of shit, then it's going to be a different dynamic.

(...)

If he's like, yeah, we're friends and we broke up. Like she's still my the mother of my children and I still treat her with respect. And like we're cool. We're everything's great. Me like in that sense, I think it's a lot easier to have the family just be more inclusive(...) rather than suspicion is that your ex-husband.

(...)

Positive.

(...)

But what he was saying about you just from the little bit I have heard.(...) Yes, likely not.

(...)

Likely not. But this is the thing. And I think this is where I really see the difference is that regardless of what he's saying and what his relationship is with me, I have seen it now that like Ty's mom, for example, no matter what happened between me and Ty, she would still find like she would still maintain a relationship with me. Because she would come to me to find out what like ask me my side, ask me what's going on with me. You know what I mean? That was never done. There was never like even a check in on the other side. And I think that a lot of that has to do with just and the way they operate. Right? And where they place their loyalties.

(...)

And like how mature are they? And what's their price? What's their priority in life?

(...)

It sounds like Ty's mom has done a good job of like this family.(...) And regardless of what happens in relationship, you can still be part of the family.

(...)

Yeah. Yeah.

I feel blessed that I didn't have children with my ex-sons every single day.

(...)

Because of the dynamic.

we parted ways, it was done like we were. It was better.

(...)

And parents were super

of his notion that he should get half of the house that I owned.

(...)

And I'm like, "Cute." My father put the down payment. I gave the freaking mortgage. What part of his house?

(...)

Oh my God. Well, we know where he gets it from. Yeah. So they were extremely supportive.

(...)

My dad and dad like had to hash things out on their own. They just like figured out a deal.

(...)

Oh, wow.

(...)

He wasn't backing down. I was like, "This is going to get really intense and rough."

(...)

And what's interesting is his mom who treated me sort of like a daughter. And she like,(...) I only blocked her like last year because she started commenting on my posts on Facebook.(...) And I was like, "No, no, we don't have an answer.

(...)

You are not my mother-in-law anymore. Goodbye." Wait, wait, wait. What was she saying?(...) "When you're so insecure, she's so insecure."

(...)

Oh,(...) I got her. "Who's she now?"

(...)

That's a little weird. Yeah.

(...)

I hadn't blocked her initially because I was like, I don't know.(...) In some ways,

mom had already passed when I met my ex-husband. So she was like a mother figure for me for like the nine, 10 years that we were in a relationship.(...) So it didn't feel right to cut her out. But at the same time, I was like, "It's just weird that you were all up in my business."

(...)

And granted, it's Facebook. People are like, "I'm putting it out in the world for free. I'm aware of it."

(...)

And there's a part of me that was just like, "Yeah, I don't know. I don't want her knowing all of my business." So that was the point. I was like, "Okay, this is better."

(...)

We've gotten so rid of time. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a little too close for comfort. That's weird. Especially because we don't have children. So who you're commenting on is not your grandchild. You know what I mean? It's just weird.(...) Yeah. It's a little weird. I think there's something to be said for wishing somebody well,(...) but also a little creepy.(...) Yeah. But also a little creepy. Yeah. It's like when it feels a little stuck-er-esque, which is feeling like, "Okay, you just come and post that had multiple times a week."

(...)

Okay. That's funny. We do. Yeah. It was too much interaction for everybody.

(...)

Yeah. Some people just don't have boundaries or don't know what those are at all.

(...)

I think that that happens a lot in...

(...)

You guys did not have a blended family and you were not a blended family. That would be weird. But I think that happens a lot. It's like you don't know where the limits are with certain things. Working with parenting,(...) if you're a step parent,(...) if you are...

(...)

It's hard to know where are the limits.(...) A lot of that I think is dictated too by the other parent, what they allow almost.

(...)

Some people just don't want their new partner to parent their kid.

(...)

Some people are like, "Go all in. I'm a go all in. We live together. That would be weird if you had a different set of rules for him than you do for seven."

(...)

That would be really weird. It would not make our family feel like a family then. It wouldn't feel like one year. "Oh, you have my child and that's it." No, that's just weird.

I think it's age dependent, right?

(...)

Yes. If I was still young enough that he needs a parent, period.

(...)

He's not old enough to be making his own decisions. He's not off in college. He's not doing his own thing.(...) I think I feel like there weren't that many moments of meeting to parent, per se, but we had...

(...)

My partner's daughter lived with us for two years, maybe three.

(...)

It's a little fuzzy how long. But she just was crashing with us for a while.

(...)

She was like 20, right? At the time that she was both 19,(...) she was grown at that point in life.

(...)

So not a whole lot of parenting, but also...

(...)

She's very reserved. She kind of keeps to herself. So not super easy to build a relationship if you're just so different. It's always cordial. It's sweet.

(...)

But I'm very to the point where I feel like it was almost too late for us to meet, because at that point,(...)

She has her own stuff happening.(...) And not really working for a parent relationship.

(...)

For me, I never saw myself as her mom, or needing to be her mom, but more like in tour of...

(...)

She was trying to figure her life out, like, "What am I doing for work? What are we...

(...)

I have a ton of magic all the time." I'll interview her like, "Where are you trying to best out?" Like, "Why are you doing this?" But I'm just refraining myself from saying those things, because...

(...)

Really my place.

(...)

Why not?

(...)

Well, A, she didn't ask for it. And B,(...) when she talked to Jason about it, she was like... He was like, "You can try, but whatever.

(...)

She'll know me who she is."(...) Right? It's not gonna land.

(...)

It's a good idea, but probably not going anywhere.

(...)

So save your breath, kind of thing.

(...)

Not bad. So it was interesting. It's an interesting experience.

(...)

I wish that her and Avery were closer, because he is... She's like his only family, really.

(...)

It would be nice if they were close.

(...)

But they're such a big age gap.(...) She's like...

(...)

I mean, a 60-year-old about...

(...)

She's at that funny age where she doesn't quite know what to do with the kid.

(...)

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a personality thing too, because we have that also.(...) It's a weird relationship to keep connected, because it requires so much intention. Because it's not... Like you said, she's not gonna just call him.

(...)

That's weird.(...) And they don't have access to each other. And that, well, I guess she...

(...)

He does. I don't know. Well, either one of them could be like, "Hey, can we call the other person?" And we'd be more than happy to facilitate that. Well,(...) do you know...(...) Does Jason talk to her often?

(...)

He's become not a phone person. So he often is doing things via text, which is what it is. But that's his mode. I can fire off a text that I don't have to... And converse. Versus,(...) like, my cousin,(...) someone close to me in age,(...) is like super tight with Avery. She'll like sit and call him at least once a month and like have an hour-long conversation with him. Aww. That's so cute. Yeah.

(...)

It's a whole different dynamic. Granted, she's older. She's had her own kids. She has a lot of experience with all of it.

(...)

That aspect, he's also warm towards the people that make an effort.

(...)

So I have a few friends. They can feel that. They can feel that energy for sure. It makes a difference. Yeah. I think some of that is a relationship thing. And I think it's like we have...(...) Ty has a cousin who has a similar situation where he has an older daughter in her 20s. And he had her with somebody else. And him and his wife have a...(...) He's now nine, but the daughter, I think, is 26 or 27, something like that.(...) And they just met each other recently. They didn't even really have a relationship.

(...)

Wow. It's difficult because it's like how do you then facilitate? But part of it also is like the daughter didn't have a great relationship with her dad. So she doesn't have that same connection and kinship to the little brother because she doesn't even feel as connected herself. So that, I think... That might be a factor.

(...)

So Jason's daughter grew up with her mom mostly.

(...)

And she had times with her dad, but it wasn't like definitely skewed one way, at least earlier in life. So she is tight with her dad.

(...)

Her mom has now passed away, which is also like, "Don't you want to cultivate a relationship with your dad?" Oh, wow. Yeah. Any other family like...

(...)

Unless she just has a lot of unprocessed stuff that she doesn't know how to deal with. It's got to be hard.

(...)

Yeah. There's probably some of that is happening. Probably some grief. I don't know what she has done to process and the part of me that...

(...)

A coach and guide for so many people.(...) What? I want to support.

(...)

I think some of it to me has to be initiated by the other person.(...) Absolutely. I think that's kind of like also where that boundary conversation comes in, because just knowing sort of what is yours to take on and what is the other person's. I remember when my stepson was really young, I used to have a lot of opinions about my ex-husband's involvement with him. And I was like, "There's so much more you could be doing." And there's like...

(...)

I was just noticing... And this isn't about talking shit, but the mom was doing the best she could with her circumstances, but the best she could was not enough necessarily. And I was in a position that I could do a lot more. And so it was difficult because I was like, "I know that I could change this kid's life and I could provide and facilitate stuff that is not happening for this kid."(...) And it was hard because I'm like, "I don't..." You know what I mean? And my ex-husband was very much like, "Of course, I had to learn this over time."

(...)

And it became very clear with time what type of person he is, but he wanted to keep it very disconnected.(...) And I realize now that was his method of trying to control everything and all of the factors.

(...)

So I had very little access and it was hard. It was hard. But sort of similar to what you said, Ty has two kids and they are both... They're 20 and 24.

(...)

And he has had a pretty close relationship with them, even though he lived in the house with them when they were very little, but not. And like I said, because the family setup was always a blended one that always involved her, the kids, her family, everybody, and that's never changed.(...) It's almost as though they grew up with two parents.

(...)

And Ty's mom and dad have not been together since he was 13,(...) but they literally do... They live in two different states now, but they do everything for each other together. They stay over each other. My father-in-law has a house in Savannah.

(...)

Children's drive up there and they'll just hang out.

(...)

It's been off the table for like 50 years. There's nothing romantic. Sometimes it's almost like, do they even like each other? But they just have facilitated that for the family to have joint celebrations.(...) They're both at everything. At everything.(...) And so same thing, Ty has been... This is Ty's parents.

(...)

People come over to my house back in Brooklyn, my friends and family and stuff, and they're like, "Oh, wait a second. His parents are not together?" I'm like, "No, they're not together."

(...)

They're not together. And I think they speak every day.

(...)

Yeah, it's pretty... It sounds like they figured out that they're better as friends and they're going to be friends.

They have 0% in common, like zero, like negative sub-zero in common. Wow.

(...)

Yes, negative sub-zero.

(...)

But I think they just fully accept each other for who each other is, understand that that was never supposed to be. They have two kids together. They've got all these grandkids and a family, and that's what they kind of stay, keep that connection and that foundation for so everything else can kind of exist. And it's an amazing thing to see, to see them do that. Same thing with my stepson's, Ty's kids, they always saw their mom and dad do stuff together. So it was never felt so divisive. And I think that that also has helped for when I came around because I was... They were both teenagers. They were not young. Like Asaya was six when Ty came around. So it was not easy for him because his father had just disappeared. You know what I mean? So it was not easy.

(...)

He was still six. So it's a little more moldable. You know what I mean? But teenagers sometimes is like, "They don't want nothing to do with you." And it was...

(...)

I mean, I think, again, because Ty's kids have always seen blended family structures and people accept all of it together,(...) it was like, love it. It was just full acceptance. And they feel that way about their little sister too. You know what I mean? They're way older than her, but they look out for her when they're with her. It's like there's nobody else exist.

(...)

And it's just really, really nice to see. But again, I had the opposite experience in my marriage and the opposite experience now. So it's pretty interesting to see. And we're just scratching the surface of iterations of blended families. There's so many different variations. So many variations. And I feel like it is so dependent on

are they in relationship with each other, which dictates then all of the trickle down?

I think it's interesting.

(...)

I haven't talked to Jason much about what... I know that his relationship just before mine,(...) ours, what 10 years, I believe,(...) a lot of them living together.

(...)

She had two kids who were like youngish when they were together.

(...)

Like, how does he feel about it? I'm curious to see how close he felt to them either or

And I know he hasn't been in touch with her since they partnered.

(...)

interesting.(...) Yeah. That is interesting. And that's part of it too, is how do you just disappear from a kid's life when you've been with them for so long? Just because you and the other parent are no longer together.

(...)

That's how I felt it happened for my stepson, not because I wanted it to, but because that's just how it happened. And then interestingly, myself and my stepson's mom ended up forming a relationship after I got separated from my ex-husband. And we had our own relationship and we were facilitating Asaya and my stepson seeing each other outside of their dad and he was not happy about it at all.(...) Oh my God. It was horrible. But then eventually she decided that he or her son, my stepson, needed to go live with my ex-husband because of a particular school that he wanted to go to.

(...)

And she decided that what was going on with me, because I was in court at the time with him because he was trying to prevent us from moving to Texas.(...) So she decided that she could no longer be involved with me.(...) And so she cut off that relationship, which at the end of the day, I was not sad, obviously, for me. I was sad for my son, but we were moving anyway.

(...)

I mean, at the time I didn't know we were moving. I didn't know we were going to be allowed to move, but I mean, these are the consequences of blended families. It happens with non-blended families, but there's more risk, I will say, with blended families. And it's sad that there are so many different people who can create so many different results, you know what I mean? And create so many different dynamics. There are just so many dynamics to navigate. There's so much more to navigate. But it's been eye-opening for me, especially because again, culturally, I think, it's not something that we're very exposed to. And me, myself,(...) I myself am a blended family. I have a different last name than my two children. I just had to write all of our last names down on something the other day. And I was like, "Oh, this is fun." It's just weird to see.

(...)

My two kids who live in the same house have different fathers.(...) Different last names. Different last names. My one kid calls her dad, Daddy, and the other one calls the same person, Ty, inside the same house.

(...)

So sometimes she'll call him Ty, and she thinks it's funny.

(...)

But she does know now, she's old enough to know, and we don't hide it from her, that Asaya has his own daddy who lives in New York. And he's there right now visiting his dad in New York. So she knows that sometimes Asaya goes to New York and he visits his daddy. She knows that Asaya has a brother over there. She met his brother, but she knows that he has a brother.

(...)

But it's so much more complicated to explain all of these things to your children and to then also create normalcy around it when the outside world does not give you any representation of their story. So that's something that I emphasize with them.

(...)

It's almost like we don't emphasize it, but when there's a need to, it's never like,(...) "We're just a family. This is just our family. This is our family. This is how our family looks."(...) But we never explicitly need to call it out. The other thing is too, people just assume, I think here, that Ty is Asaya's dad. There's most of the time they refer to him as the dad and the son. And so it's... And that's a fair assumption. Why wouldn't they assume that? But it's interesting, it's kind of fun sometimes to know how much more complicated it is. And then sometimes they'll see us with seven and people will be giving us kid advice and Ty will be like, "Yeah, dude, I got two kids in college. I've been a parent longer than you've been alive."

(...)

It's just funny to know that there's just so many more layers. But I think it's something that we need to talk about more because I think it's becoming so much more real for so many people. No matter what their blended family situation looks like. And even more so when it's like interracial, intercultural blended families, there's so much more to talk about and consider. Yeah, absolutely. So if someone was going through this or in a blended family, is there any tips you might have for supporting...helping them navigate this?

(...)

Well, I think the first one is just get very clear on what the expectations are.(...) I have a friend who was dating someone for a while and that someone had two younger children and she had an older child. And when they moved in together, there was no conversation around what the roles were going to be for each other's children.(...) That actually created a lot of friction because there was a lot of assumption around what the roles would be. But she wasn't interested in assuming traditional roles with his children. She's like, "I'm not their mother."(...) And her kid was much older and she's like, "Well, he doesn't need a dad. Like he has a dad and he's in college. Like he doesn't..." You know what I mean? Like kind of to your point, it's just a different age and a different set of needs.(...) And that was a big reason that the relationship didn't end up working out is that they just had very different expectations around what the roles were going to be. So that and expectations are...(...) Well, I think it's a little weird. If your partner has young children,(...) it's kind of assumed that you're going to be involved in some level of parenting.

(...)

Yeah. Like you can't be like, "I'm done raising children. Todd could be completely not involved, but we all live in the same house."

(...)

No. Well, he didn't have them very often. So again, it's like, so then we need to understand, well, what are the expectations? Like what are the expectations? Yeah.(...) And even just forget about that. It's like things around discipline and like who is allowed to say what? What are the limits here? Like can I discipline at the same level that I would discipline my own kids? Can I not? And I think it also changes if you don't yourself have children, but the partner does. What are the parameters here? So one, I think setting expectations for sure. Two, I think is like, it's important to

what you're getting into. Like set your own expectations because like when I was younger and getting into this relationship with my ex-husband, I was not prepared for

dynamics that were going to come from two women with whom he had children. When I got pregnant with Asaya, then he got taken to court because like this one was unhappy. Like it's just, it can get messy. So just even to prepare yourself to understand what that dynamic might look like, if it's with extended family and in-laws or if it's with other children or ex-partners or whomever, just kind of like know the landscape, know the landscape.

(...)

And I feel like we say this often, but like really communication in terms of like being upfront about what your needs are and being able to like communicate with your partner about these things before you get deep into a relationship instead of like work it out when we get there and it like your friend just, it doesn't work out because they're on very different pages.

(...)

Yes. And it's hard to reset when you've been operating with one set of expectation if you're not like explicitly talking about it and working to shift that. So yeah, communication is definitely important. But I think we just need to see, I think we are seeing a little bit more representation of blended families in like media and on TV and stuff like that. People are showing different versions of family and so on, but it's still not, I don't think it's still like prevalent enough. And listen, I love the idea of traditional family is beautiful thing, but it's just not everyone's reality.(...) And the other part of it too, like I know we opened with saying how like lovely it is, I wonder sometimes how many of those people are just holding it together for the look of the traditional family and not truly like happy.(...) And I think that if we were to normalize blended families in whatever state they are more,

(...)

there wouldn't, I think people wouldn't feel as much pressure to have to make it work, right? Like to have to, I think there's a lot of relationships that can, you know, I do this for a living, I help relationships work. So of course you can, but in some cases it's like, no guys, like this is truly better. You don't, we should let this one go. Like it's, it's sure that's fine. I see a couple of the, you know, and then like pull the woman aside, like, is this really the guy you want to have a kid?

sure not to be judgmental. I feel like I can get a sense, at least from the health side, like I see their health picture and I'm like, okay, you've got six diseases, like straight up diseases, not like borderline stuff.

(...)

And you are willing to do nothing to change your lifestyle.

(...)

Probably not a guy you want to have children with. No, probably not. Your kids are going to have predispositions to all kinds of things. Oh, and what does that say about the type of person he is? And he's not willing to do anything to change his own health so that he can have healthier children and that he could actually help have a child when he's the reason you're not having children to begin with. Like so many layers of that. Maybe we go over an episode. Yeah, seriously.(...) But sometimes it's clear, like people don't really think it all the way through.

(...)

I think two out of three of the people, couples that I've had to say that to were Indian, like in Indian traditional relationships, right?

(...)

It's like these Indian women that are like, well, I'm dependent on, I came here from India. Whatever their situation is, they just feel like they have to and they're stuck in these relationships that they're hoping a kid is going to fit.(...) Like you can't fit this way.(...) No, it's going to make it worse. Yeah. No. Like he's showing all kinds of reasons why he shouldn't.

(...)

No.(...) Just, yes, just don't. That's not the type of blended family we want. Okay. That's not it.

(...)

Not the type of traditional family, blended family, no family that we want.

(...)

Yeah. So we'll dive into another version of this another time

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