Dear Listener, if you’re ready to take the plunge into online dating, chances are you’re wondering, What should I write in my dating profile?  And what is a good online dating photo?

We get into the nitty-gritty of perfecting your online dating profile and photos in this episode, which is the second of our three-part online dating series!

With lots of specific examples sprinkled throughout, we cover:

• Profiles that Pop: Jessica reviews the three things you should include in your dating profile, plus pro tips on how to write effectively so you stand out from the crowd.
• Photo Perfection (and Pitfalls): Josh gives a rundown of what makes a good online dating photo, how to take good pictures (with or without a professional photographer!), and pic pitfalls, including what you should definitely not do in a dating profile picture.
• Honesty Policy: Jessica delves into how honest you should be on dating apps about dealbreakers, flaws, and other sensitive disclosures such as STI status, mental health struggles, neurodivergence, and limited relationship experience.
• Audio or Video?: Should you use audio or video prompts in your online dating profile? Let's explore how these can help you stand out from the crowd and build a deep relationship quickly – but only if it’s done well!

The first episode of this series looked at whether online dating is worthwhile, which apps to choose, how to stay safe when online dating, how to improve matches, and how much time to spend on dating apps.  You can find that episode here: Ep. 14 - Online Dating 101: Choosing the Right Apps and Boosting Matches

And stay tuned for the third and final installment of this series, which will dig into online dating messaging, swiping, filters, and etiquette!

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

01:35 - What should I write in my dating profile?

38:41 - What pictures should I use on my dating profile?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy by Ken Page

Match’s Singles in America study

The dos and don'ts of Hinge audio notes

How to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

How to Take Quality Online Dating Profile Pictures

Attachment as a predictor of attraction to humor styles

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

From the Relationship Center, I'm psychotherapist, couples counselor, and

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dating coach Jessica Engle, and this is I

Love You Too, a show about how to create

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and sustain meaningful relationships.

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Josh: I'm dating and relationship

coach Josh Van Vliet.

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On today's episode, Online Dating 102.

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How to craft a great profile.

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We're so happy you're here and please

remember that this show is not a

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substitute for a relationship with a

licensed mental health professional.

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Welcome dear listener to the second

episode in our online dating series.

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In today's episode, we're going to

be diving deep into crafting a great

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profile, including what to write.

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How to write it, online dating photos,

what to choose, how to take some great

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online dating photos, uh, getting

into all the nitty gritty here.

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And if you missed part one of this series

you may want to go back and check out

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last month's episode for Online Dating

101, uh, where we went into a lot of

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detail around how to choose which apps

to use, foundational tips for boosting

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matches, and a lot of other kind of basic

details for getting into online dating.

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So check that out if you missed it and

you want some of that ground level.

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To get you started.

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Jessica: Fabulous.

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Before we get started, if you

love our show, dear listener,

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will you please leave us a rating

and a review in Apple Podcasts?

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By doing so, you'll help us

help more sweet humans like you.

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So thank you in advance.

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Okay, shall we dive in?

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Josh: Let's do it.

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So today we're going to start

with with what to write.

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Jessica: Yes, huge question.

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Josh: Huge question.

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What do I write in my

online dating profile?

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Jessica: Yes, we're gonna

go into what to write.

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We're also gonna go into how to write it,

which is just as important as the content.

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But first, I want to just introduce

what I call the you, me, we concept.

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So when you're writing your profile, I

want you to keep in mind All good writing

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has an audience, that's very clear.

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And so you're gonna want to, your

audience of course is your ideal partner.

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You're gonna write this profile so you're

speaking directly to your future partner.

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Okay, and as you're doing that it's

great to touch somewhere on you, as in

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you're describing your ideal partner.

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Me, you're describing yourself.

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And we, you're describing

your ideal relationship.

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So, let's go through those one by one.

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Let me give an example of, say,

a description of your ideal mate.

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Okay, so it might be something like

you, colon, pet every dog you come

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across, laugh loudly and often,

especially at yourself, and want

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to visit every state park in the U.

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S.

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with your future raucous clan

consisting of approximately one husband,

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three kids, and two rescue pups.

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Oh.

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Yeah, and so that one actually

kind of contains a little bit of a

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ideal relationship vision as well.

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Um, but the, the first part of that as

you'll see, it's really naming like, Hey,

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you're somebody who loves dogs, you're

somebody who wants to go on adventures

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with, with a family, all of that.

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Okay, so you're kind of helping

the reader determine whether

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they're even that person.

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Beautiful.

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We do have a partner guide that

can help you clarify what your

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ideal partner would be like.

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So do see our What to Look for in a Long

Term Partner episode and the guide that

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we have to, to, uh, clarify all of that.

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Josh: I just love this.

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It reminds me a little

bit of like classifieds.

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Right.

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In the newspapers back in

the, in the old, old days.

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Yes.

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Like you.

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Girl in coffee shop.

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Right.

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Seen across the room.

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Our eyes met for a moment.

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You glanced away.

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I think you liked me?

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Me?

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Sitting with my bowler

hat on and whatever.

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Yeah.

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Absolutely.

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But, but it's so brilliant because I

think one of the traps people can fall

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into when they're writing a profile

is trying to write for everybody.

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Yes.

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And when you're writing for

everybody, you're not speaking

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to anyone in particular.

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And so the way that you're, you're

pointing to how do we speak to who you

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actually want to be reaching, your ideal

partner, because that's going to be a much

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clearer signal that they're going to be

like, Oh, this person is speaking to me.

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It's going to land differently

than the kind of generic profile.

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It's like, Oh, I mean, maybe they're nice.

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Who knows?

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Jessica: Yes.

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You got it.

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Yeah.

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The thing that I think we see often

is that people really take an online

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dating profile as like a I don't know,

like a, a college personal essay, right?

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It's like it's all focused on them,

which is understandable, right?

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It's a profile about you, but really it's

a profile about your future relationship

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in addition to you and your partner.

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Yeah.

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So really making sure you're,

you're touching on all of those.

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So let's talk about the me part, okay,

so when, when I refer to me, I'm talking

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about you're describing yourself and

so let me give you an example, maybe

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in that same, uh, profile under the

you description you say me, colon,

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dad jokes for days, good at cleaning

up my messes promptly, and wildly

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attracted to women who feel deeply.

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Mm hmm.

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Okay.

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So, part of what I'm wanting to

point out in that example is you

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can self disclose pretty quickly.

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Right.

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You can, you can really name, um, parts

of yourself that you wouldn't necessarily

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bring up in, say, small talk at a party.

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Okay, and the reason that is so powerful

is you're trying to build a deep heart

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to heart connection from the start, okay?

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And you know, the person who's reading

your profile has read So many profiles.

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And there is, I think, this kind

of like online dating burnout

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that can happen where it just

feels like another number, right?

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Maybe a bot wrote this one, right?

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So really allowing them to connect

with your humanity, I think, is key

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when you're describing yourself.

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The other piece that I want to name

that's connected to this example

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is like you're going beyond sort of

the tacos and beer phenomenon, which

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we talk about a lot on the show.

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Like, yes, if you like

tacos and beer, great.

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And that doesn't really speak

to your values, your emotions,

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your dreams, your quirks, right?

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It kind of keeps us, again,

on that surface level.

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And then the other piece in here I

want to name is Something we talked

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about in the last episode, which is,

be the you est you you can be, right?

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So in here this person's

a very specific person.

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Yeah.

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Right?

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Uh, they love women who feel deeply.

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Josh: That really stuck out to me, too.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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It's like, that is a beautiful,

uh, and very evocative thing.

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It's like, I instantly already

have a sense of who this person

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is looking for and who they are.

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Jessica: Right.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And, and notice how

differently that lands than.

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I don't know.

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Loves to live fully.

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Right?

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It's like, you know.

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Josh: Yeah, it doesn't have

much, uh, it's, it's so generic.

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Right.

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And it's like, well, yeah, like

all of us want to live fully.

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I mean, maybe not everyone's gonna

say that, but like it, it doesn't

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it doesn't give much specificity.

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That's like what's different

about you than the next person.

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Jessica: Right.

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Absolutely.

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Yeah, so allow yourself to stand out,

okay, in, in the sea of so many profiles.

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And one way you can determine what

might make you stand out is to

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really think about what, what makes

you you and ask your friends even.

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What makes me unlike other people?

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Or like if you were to like identify

one trait about me or one story that

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like captures me, what would it be?

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And get a sense of like,

what are the things that...

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Yeah.

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Again, just make you, you.

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Josh: I think that's brilliant because

it's so, I know, I had this problem

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when I was writing my own online dating

profile and I know a lot of people

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struggle with this to write about

yourself or to kind of even see what

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is it about me that is different or

special or unique from other people.

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And I did the exact same thing

when I was, uh, writing my profile.

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I was like, brought in friends to help

me figure out like, well, how do I get

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at who I am and what's important to

share about who I am in my profile?

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Jessica: That's something that stood

out to me about your profile is that

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there were very specific references to

how you, how you be in the world, right?

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And to your values.

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And that was where I was able to

really see, oh, we have shared.

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Yeah.

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Um, yeah.

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And I similarly, I went through

the deeper dating process, a great

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book by Ken Page, highly recommend.

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And he has a process in there where he

actually has you reach out to your friends

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and ask them what your core gifts are.

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And so in my profile, I

highlighted some of my core gifts.

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Josh: It takes courage, I think, to be

willing to name some of your core gifts.

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It's a little bit vulnerable

to say, I'm, I'm good at this.

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This is something that I bring to the

party that maybe it's not other people do.

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So I just wanna, I just wanna like

acknowledge that for folks who are

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listening, like that is a courageous

thing to do and it may feel a little

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uncomfortable as you're looking at that.

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You may even worry, like, do

what do I have to contribute?

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Um, right.

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As part of where asking people who love

you can be helpful, but just to name

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like that is a, is a bold thing to do.

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And while it may feel uncomfortable,

it will also set you apart from other

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people and will help your ideal partner

find you more quickly and clearly?

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Jessica: Yes.

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I love that point.

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And yeah, I think of it as like, a

good online dating profile probably is

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going to feel a tiny bit scary, right?

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Because you name things that you may

not name outside of an intimate context.

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Certainly don't want you to go beyond

your window of tolerance with that, right?

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You don't need to trauma dump

or just sort of share things

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that you're not ready to share.

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And yeah, just notice like, do I, do

I feel a little, uh, kind of scared,

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excited about some of what I'm sharing?

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Okay.

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And so we, when you're touching on

describing your ideal relationship,

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um, let me give you an example of this.

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It might be something like, we

are Best friends who can't keep

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their hands off one another.

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Passionate couples therapy goers.

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Yay growth.

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Co creative all day every day.

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And never hesitate to

put one another first.

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So you're really painting

the picture of the kind of

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partnership that you want to build.

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And this one just feels so

important to me and something most

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people miss in their profiles.

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Yes.

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And I think it's just so key both in terms

of helping the, your, I ideal partner,

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your future partner, the reader, imagine

themselves in a relationship with you.

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Mm-Hmm.

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Right.

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Locate themselves.

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whIch is gonna help with filtering.

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Yes.

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Right.

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And I think it's also just so powerful

in general to have a stance on what

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kind of relationship you want to build.

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Mm-Hmm.

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. Right.

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Especially in the world of online

dating, there's so much sort of

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situationship and lack of clarity.

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Um, we do have some great research that

shows that 70 percent up to 80 percent

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for younger generations of singles

are looking for something that lasts.

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And so, if you're willing to say

that, right, and really describe

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what that relationship is, um,

that can be very, very attractive.

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Josh: Yeah.

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I love the way you put it, taking a

stand for the kind of relationship that

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you want you know, yeah, for some people

that won't be their thing and that's good.

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Those people aren't the right fit for you.

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And for others, it'll be like, Oh, cool.

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Yeah, I want that.

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All right.

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Jessica: Absolutely.

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Yeah.

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It's like, um, I don't know

if this metaphor really works.

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I've shared it on here yet, but

I talk about it sometimes as

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like clarifying your bat signal.

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Um,

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as in like, okay, we've got the

bat signal versus like just a

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standard, uh, what are those lights?

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Searchlight.

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Okay.

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Okay.

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The bat signal is a very

specific signal, in Batman.

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Josh: One specific person.

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Yeah.

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Jessica: Yes.

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And so, um, we, you know, I think

one of the like generic profiles that

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doesn't say anything about the kind

of relationship you want to be in

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is more like just the searchlight.

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It's going to like attract a lot of

attention, but it's not necessarily going

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to attract your person very quickly.

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Josh: Batman's not going to

show up from the searchlight.

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And you want Batman.

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That's right.

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Jessica: Exactly.

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I got it.

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It's perfect.

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Josh: No, it's great.

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I love it.

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I love it.

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Jessica: Yeah, so I do think at some

point I came across some research.

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I wasn't able to locate it, but I think

Hinge at some point came out with some

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data that said people who are willing

to say they are looking for a long term

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relationship actually get more engagement.

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Hmm, interesting.

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Which I think goes against a lot of the

like, I'm hoping dating advice that's

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becoming more outdated, crossing fingers,

which is essentially like, play it

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cool, pretend you don't care as much.

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It's essentially trying to teach

people who really do care to

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pretend they're avoidantly attached.

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So, I gave you an example of kind of like,

you're describing your ideal relationship.

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The other way you can kind of

touch on this is, uh, or kind of

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getting into what this is for you

is to describe your ideal day.

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Or date with your

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Josh: partner.

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Jessica: And let's touch a little bit on,

before we dive into like how to write,

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let's talk about like sharing hobbies,

careers, favorite TV shows, et cetera.

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Mm-Hmm.

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, because I'm, I'm imagining you, dear

listener, maybe wondering like, should

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I be, shouldn't I be sharing my hobbies

and like the things I like to do?

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So make sure we have common interests.

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in our, what to look for in a long

term partner episode, we mentioned

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that the research actually doesn't

Support the idea that you need to share

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common interests in order to have a

successful long term relationship.

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So it may not be as

important as you think.

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That said, I do think it's

important to name that if you're

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a neurodivergent, so let's say you

have ADHD or maybe you're autistic.

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Maybe highly sensitive.

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You may have what's called an

interest driven nervous system.

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Okay, where you just naturally prioritize

the things that you're most interested in.

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If you are wired that way, it may

actually be really important that you

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find a partner who can join you in the

things you're really interested in.

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Okay, because that's going to allow

you to stay really engaged with them.

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So, for some people, it may,

it may be really important to

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name your special interests.

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Okay for autistics, for

example, the, there tends to be

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something called info dumping.

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Uh, when two autistics are

together, they tend to share about

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their special interests in depth.

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And that's a way of bonding.

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Okay.

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So, if that's something you're really

excited to do with your partner,

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yes, name your special interests.

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Absolutely.

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Josh: I love that, that nuance to,

to bring into the research because I

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imagine that research is not necessarily

looking at, uh, neurodivergent folks

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as much or it's hard to say how,

you know, in what way they were

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included or not in that research.

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Right.

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But that's such an

important nuance, right?

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Because our brains

don't all work the same.

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And so there may be different things

that work better for different folks.

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Jessica: That's right.

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Yeah, I mean, I feel like

I'm even an example of this.

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I'm, I'm a highly sensitive person.

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So not autistic or ADHD.

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But I, I get like pretty like

hyper focused on my interests.

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It wouldn't really work

for me to have a partner.

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Who doesn't want to talk to me about

people and relationships and intimacy

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and emotions, you know, as evidenced by

the fact that I literally have a podcast

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with my husband where I can talk, I can

info dump at him, uh, and vice versa.

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So.

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You know if, if that's what

you need, that's what you need.

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Josh: Yeah, yeah, it's been a

beautiful thing in our relationship.

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It's certainly a joy to get to share that.

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Um, and it's interesting because I

think in some ways it is certainly a

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deep interest for both of us, I think.

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I think there's some way, I don't

know if this is just about...

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Different words for it, but in some way

I think it occurs for me as a little

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bit of like a value for both of us.

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Yeah.

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But maybe that's just another

way of saying, like, a thing that

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we're really, really interested in.

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Jessica: Sure.

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Well, I mean, that's interesting.

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I think we could potentially go

on a rabbit hole down, like, are

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special interests actually values.

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Right.

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Yeah.

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Josh: That's fascinating.

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But anyway.

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Yes.

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We'll pull, pull back.

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Jessica: Okay.

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So one more thing before

we talk about how to write.

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If you're still like, but what

do I write there's a lot of

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prompts on the sites and apps.

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Mm hmm.

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And my recommendation is open up

a Google doc, get out a piece of

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paper, and answer Multiple prompts.

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Okay, just answer a bunch of them.

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This is kind of like a principle in improv

where if you keep going with a particular

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exercise, you get beyond your usual

thinking and you break through to a new

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level of creative thinking and expression.

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Yes.

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Okay, so just keep writing.

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Okay, and then get some space from it.

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Don't look at it for a minute and come

back and see what sticks out to you.

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Or run it by a friend or maybe

your dating coach or therapist

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to get their feedback about it.

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Okay.

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The other thing to keep in mind is

you don't actually have to answer some

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of the prompts like literally, right?

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So for example, in the about me

section you might have you, me, and we.

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Right?

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You describe your partner,

yourself, and the relationship.

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That's not, you know, super

literal to about me, is it?

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But it's a totally fine way to

use the space in your profile.

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Mm

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Josh: hmm.

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I, I just, what you

just said there is gold.

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Uh, I just want to like reiterate

that piece, taking it out of the app

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into a place where you can just write.

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And write and write and write

without filtering yourself.

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Because it's as soon as that aspect of the

brain, um, that kind of brings in worry,

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doubt, uh, the editor comes in, you're

gonna get jammed up, you're not gonna you

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know, you're not gonna get as creative,

your best ideas are not gonna come out.

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And if you're trying to write it in

the app, it's just, it's no good.

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So I love what you just named about.

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Take it out of the app.

393

Let it, just let it all fly.

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No bad ideas.

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Just write without editing,

without censoring at all.

396

And then come back later to edit or

to Choose what's useful from there,

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what you want to, what you want to use.

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Jessica: Absolutely.

399

That is so good.

400

And if you do have some writer's block

stuff, I know some people because of

401

school traumas and whatnot, it's very

hard for them to sit down and write.

402

If that's you, you can also try

recording your answers, um, and

403

there's lots of great software that

can convert your audio recordings

404

into transcripts or you can just

listen back and write things down.

405

Josh: One of the things that

I have done at times is...

406

Uh, talk to a friend if it, if it's

feeling hard for me and I sit it

407

down, try to write and it's like,

something about having somebody who's

408

just asking me questions, who's just,

you know, there as a listening ear.

409

They're not trying to tell me

what to say or give me advice,

410

but they're just there to listen.

411

That has been so useful for me to

just kind of get out of my head

412

and be able to get into my heart

and what I really want to share.

413

Jessica: Absolutely.

414

Yeah, we often do that in our

sessions with clients, right?

415

We have them talk to us and then we kind

of like interview them a little bit.

416

What about that?

417

What did you mean more about that?

418

It's such a useful, effective

way of getting some words down.

419

Yeah.

420

Yeah.

421

Okay, beautiful.

422

So let's talk next about how to

write, like what tone, what, how

423

to be compelling in your writing.

424

Josh: Okay, perfect.

425

So we've got, just to recap for a

second, we've got, talking about you,

426

who you're looking for, me, who am

I, we, who are we together I might be

427

sharing about a day in the life or an

ideal date, uh, to help kind of evoke.

428

Uh, what it would be like to be together.

429

Cool.

430

Jessica: Great.

431

And yeah, also touching on

values, dreams, feelings, right?

432

Going beyond just the surface level.

433

Perfect.

434

Okay.

435

In terms of how to write one thing

I, uh, you may remember from,

436

uh, middle school, high school

writing class, start with a hook.

437

Okay, see if you can start with something

that allows you to stand out a little bit.

438

So instead of saying something

like, Adventure lover, looking for a

439

partner in crime who loves to laugh.

440

Let's get real specific, okay?

441

And say something, maybe

you say something like, um.

442

dog dad available for adoption

immediately, cheerful, snuggly, and

443

clean, loves listening and giving high

quality hugs when you're having a bad day.

444

Josh: That's adorable.

445

I love the addition of clean in there.

446

Which works so well because

it's combined with dog dad.

447

Totally.

448

It's like, I'm a dog

dad, but I'm also clean.

449

Jessica: I'm glad you like it.

450

Yes, so another way to, uh, write in

a compelling way is to use imagery,

451

okay, so appealing to the five senses.

452

Okay.

453

Instead of saying something like,

I love hiking and hope you do

454

too, you might try something like,

looking for my forever hiking buddy.

455

My perfect date would include a leisurely

stroll through the greens and golds of

456

Tilden, then splitting a cold beer at

Inspiration Point as we watch the sunset.

457

So you've really painted a picture the

person can see and kind of taste and

458

feel, or you might say, instead of, uh,

seeking an adventure buddy, you might say,

459

seeking an adventure buddy to get white

mochas and walk through the San Francisco

460

flower market on a sunny Saturday morning.

461

My favorites are always the

dahlias, preferably pink, and roses,

462

preferably fragrant, but really any

colorful blossoms make me smile.

463

Josh: Yeah.

464

Jessica: Aww.

465

Aww.

466

Yeah, so you've, you've really got a

very clear picture of who that human is.

467

Another thing that you may have

picked up already from some of these

468

examples, you really want to be

balancing general or abstract language

469

with specific concrete language.

470

So this connects to the writing

principle show, don't tell.

471

Okay, so if you say that you're a foodie,

Follow it up with an example, okay?

472

Because foodie could mean a lot of things.

473

That's a concept, right?

474

Josh: I was just thinking about

that, about the word adventurous.

475

Yes.

476

The way that you just illustrated

it so differently, so clearly.

477

Right?

478

Because you might be adventurous

in the hiking outdoorsy sense, or

479

adventurous in the like, we're exploring

this beautiful neighborhood sense.

480

Very different things, both adventurous.

481

But a very different kind of experience.

482

Jessica: Absolutely.

483

Yeah, different flavors.

484

Different flavors.

485

You want to tell them

which flavor you are.

486

Yeah.

487

So, on the foodie example, you might

say something like, Foodie forever and

488

always take me to your favorite farmer's

market to sample the stone fruit, and

489

I'll gladly treat you to ramen at my

favorite hole in the wall Japanese spot.

490

Mm hmm.

491

So there's no ambiguity in

there about like, what would

492

that day look like together?

493

Yeah.

494

Josh: Yeah.

495

Absolutely.

496

Jessica: One piece, which may be

obvious, but I think isn't to everyone,

497

is really make sure you're avoiding

spelling and grammar mistakes.

498

This one, it's like very much, you

really get a ding from a lot of people if

499

you've got spelling and grammar mistakes.

500

And more so than you might imagine.

501

Josh: Yeah, and If, if you're the

kind of person who you just don't

502

register those things when you're

writing, have a friend look at it.

503

Mm hmm.

504

Because you don't have to be great

at spelling and grammar to meet your

505

partner, but it's helpful to have a

friend who can do that editing for you.

506

Or even something like Grammarly.

507

Or Grammarly.

508

Yeah.

509

There's like a great, a number of

great solutions out there for that.

510

Jessica: You could give it to ChatGPT

and ask it for editing suggestions.

511

Yeah.

512

The one thing I will say about

ChatGBT, because I think that's

513

becoming more and more a tool people

are using for their profiles, is if

514

you're using it, I want you to go

back over it and give it your flavor.

515

Because people are already suffering.

516

from profiles that are generic

and feel bot generated.

517

They do not want more of that.

518

So make sure it still sounds like

you and has, like, specifics to it.

519

Okay, let's talk about tone

for your profile, okay?

520

So a few things to keep in mind

about the tone of your profile.

521

We're going to and

522

witty, okay?

523

Let's talk about each of those.

524

So positive.

525

You may have already come across a

profile that is very negative and you

526

could probably feel it pretty quickly.

527

People really can pick up on

cynicism and bitterness pretty

528

quickly with online dating profiles.

529

Okay.

530

So really attempt to speak positively.

531

You don't need to be, you

know, toxically positive.

532

But you know, in particular, try

if you have deal breakers, speak.

533

About them in a positive light.

534

Okay, so let me give

you an example of that.

535

Instead of saying something like

swipe left if you're looking for

536

a situationship, have no friends,

or have never been to therapy.

537

Try Swipe right if you're looking

for your forever plus one and feel

538

comfortable going at a slow yet

steady pace Because you've got amazing

539

friends and a kick ass therapist.

540

Josh: Oh, so much better.

541

Jessica: Isn't that a different energy?

542

Yeah.

543

Yeah.

544

Yeah.

545

Yeah.

546

The other piece I'll say here is if you

reference your own flaws, I've noticed

547

there are some people who, they almost

want to like front load the disclosure

548

of flaws at the very, very start.

549

Right.

550

And so they'll say, I'm, you

know, I'm a little selfish and I'm

551

often working really hard and I'm.

552

I don't know, a little socially awkward.

553

If you can hang with that, swipe right.

554

Right.

555

It's like, in some ways we want, we do

want to be really authentic and name

556

the places where you know, there may be

something somebody wants to know about.

557

And like front loading all of that is

It's, it's not actually organic in terms

558

of like, that's not what you do in the

real world when you build relationships.

559

Right?

560

It's not like you meet someone,

you're like, hello, my name's Jessica,

561

I'm a little selfish and uh...

562

Josh: I will probably work too much

and ignore you during a relationship

563

and I may be a little socially

awkward when I meet your friends.

564

That's right.

565

Jessica: Would you like to

still, uh, interact with me?

566

No!

567

And, and there's a lot of

reasons why we do that.

568

You know, you're not just your flaws.

569

You're a whole human.

570

So, you know, you don't need to list

every flaw you have at the very start.

571

So that is remaining positive.

572

In terms of a warm tone, I

think that one's probably a

573

little pretty self evident.

574

The idea there is you want to

start building that really secure

575

functioning relationship from go.

576

So you want to, in your profile, have the

same tone that you're hopefully holding

577

in your relationship, which is care.

578

Right.

579

Care, tenderness, playfulness.

580

Whatever it is for you.

581

Okay.

582

See if you can let that

seep into your words.

583

Authentic.

584

This one's really big.

585

So remember to stand out.

586

You, we want you to be the

you-est you you can be.

587

And don't misrepresent yourself.

588

This is one of the number one

complaints people have in online dating.

589

And I think it's the, maybe the

number one reason people cite for.

590

not going on a second date is feeling

like somebody did not meet expectations.

591

And the expectations being those they

set with their profile or pictures.

592

Yes.

593

So make sure your profile

really reflects who you are.

594

Okay.

595

And we've kind of already been touching

on, you really don't want to present

596

a watered down version of yourself.

597

That can feel safer.

598

It can feel like, oh, maybe

I'll get more matches.

599

We talked about in the last

episode, more matches isn't

600

necessarily what you want, right?

601

You want the right matches.

602

Yep.

603

Um, so.

604

You know, be authentic, that will

reduce potentially the number of matches

605

but increase the quality of them.

606

And let's talk wit.

607

Josh: Wit.

608

Jessica: Wit.

609

Humor.

610

Josh: This, this I feel like is

so, it stands out so much when

611

somebody uses humor in their profile

because so many people don't.

612

Jessica: Yes, this was something you

really, you looked for this specifically.

613

Josh: I did.

614

I did.

615

It was like in a sea of people taking

themselves too seriously were like

616

a few people who found some way to

be like, yeah, I'm playful human.

617

Right.

618

Yeah.

619

I don't take much, you know,

I'm, I'm here to laugh.

620

I'm also here, you know, looking

for something serious and at

621

the same time, isn't this great?

622

Jessica: Yeah.

623

Well, and.

624

It's funny because sense of humor is

typically towards the top of most people's

625

list of traits that they're looking for.

626

Like, and I think there's been

cross cultural studies where

627

that's shown over and over again.

628

Yeah, it's wild.

629

Yeah.

630

Um, and I, I also get it.

631

It's hard to be funny.

632

Josh: Yeah.

633

I mean,

634

it's one thing to make a joke with

somebody in person where you can see their

635

reaction and you're kind of, you know them

a little bit, you're calibrating your,

636

what your, your joke to who they are.

637

Right.

638

Uh, it's another thing to try to

make a joke when it's like, I don't

639

know how this is going to land.

640

Yeah.

641

It's hard to tell, you know.

642

Totally.

643

But yeah, I agree with you.

644

I get it.

645

It's, uh, it can be a tricky thing

to try to find the right, uh, Balance

646

of what for one person feels playful

and silly, and for another person

647

feels like you know mean or something.

648

Jessica: Yeah.

649

Well, and let's talk about that.

650

That connects directly to what I

wanted to bring up, which is research.

651

Exploring the link between attachment

styles and humor styles suggests

652

that most people prefer what's called

positive humor, which brings them closer

653

to others and improves relationships,

but insecurely attached individuals,

654

so avoidantly attached or anxiously

attached people, they tend to be more

655

attracted to negative humor styles, um,

less attracted to positive humor styles.

656

So in other words, insecure attachment is

associated with a greater attraction to

657

humor styles that can harm relationships

and less attraction to humor styles

658

that promote strong relationships.

659

So put more simply, the kind

of humor you use matters.

660

It signals something to the other person.

661

And it also can Build or

break down your relationships.

662

So the, the kinds of humor to aim

for are what are called affiliative

663

humor and self self enhancing humor.

664

So affiliative humor is positive,

it's directed towards others, and it's

665

things like jokes or funny stories

that bring people together without

666

making anyone feel uncomfortable.

667

So like sharing a

lighthearted, relatable story.

668

Um, so.

669

Example for this, not to brag, but

670

Elementary Readathon Champion.

671

So if you need someone to read you

to sleep at night, I'm your guy.

672

Josh: Oh,

673

that's great.

674

It's like so sweet and like silly.

675

It's like, uh, I'm bragging

about this thing that, uh,

676

makes no difference whatsoever.

677

And yet at the same time, paints a picture

of a very sweet, intimate moment to share

678

that you might share with a partner.

679

Jessica: Right, and it's kind of like

a, you're lifting yourself up, but it's

680

not at anyone else's expense really.

681

Yeah.

682

And it's also in terms

of like being relatable.

683

Most people have gone through

school and they've been in a read

684

a thon or something like that.

685

Right.

686

So that's an example of affiliative humor.

687

Self enhancing humor is positive

and directed toward oneself

688

and helps regulate emotions.

689

So this is for example, making light

of a challenging situation you're

690

facing and focusing on the positive

aspects or finding humor in it,

691

laughing at your own quirks and

imperfections in a self affirming way.

692

So something like, um, and you can

tell me how, uh, if you like this.

693

When I was writing it, I

was like, is this good?

694

Um, okay, real talk.

695

I procrastinate on my taxes every

year, but I make up for it by throwing

696

an epic pizza party every April 14th.

697

Be my cram buddy.

698

The only other dude there will be

TurboTax and he doesn't eat much.

699

Josh: It's so silly.

700

I like it.

701

Jessica: Do you?

702

I do.

703

Yeah.

704

So, and I hope, dear listener, you

are taking this, uh, me sharing this

705

and not really knowing how it is as

permission to create things that may

706

be stupid and run them by people and

see like, does this make any sense?

707

Is this actually endearing?

708

Yeah.

709

Josh: And it's like,

for me, it's endearing.

710

For someone else, it might be like,

no, not really their cup of tea.

711

Right.

712

And I love that you took the risk of

I'm going to share this thing and I

713

don't know how it's going to land.

714

It's like just like what folks are doing

when they're writing their profiles is,

715

I don't know how it's going to land.

716

Totally.

717

But I'm going to take a, I'm going

to take a swing and, you know,

718

I'm going to put it out there.

719

Jessica: Yeah.

720

Let yourself you know, we can't, I

wish there was a good phrase for this.

721

Like, we have to be allowed

to make mistakes in order

722

to create beautiful things.

723

Yeah.

724

Right.

725

Exactly.

726

Okay.

727

So that was affiliative humor

and self enhancing humor.

728

What we want you to try to avoid

is aggressive humor, so that's like

729

negative, directed towards others,

things like making fun of someone in

730

a hurtful or demeaning way, making

personal insults, mocking someone's

731

appearance, or using sarcasm that

belittles or humiliates someone, even

732

if it's not meant to be taken seriously.

733

Okay, so an example of this.

734

Might be, I'm secretly convinced that

I have a magnetic field that attracts

735

the slowest drivers on the road.

736

If you can handle a bit of road rage from

time to time, we'll get along just fine.

737

Mm.

738

Mm hmm.

739

A lot of people are like, swipe

740

Josh: left!

741

Jessica: Right, so try to

avoid the aggressive humor

742

and the self defeating humor.

743

So this is when you downplay

your abilities or accomplishments

744

to make others laugh, even when

you've done something really well.

745

So, for example, saying, I aced the

test, but only because the questions

746

were so easy a toddler can answer them.

747

Okay.

748

This also could be exaggerating your

own flaws or clumsiness to get a laugh.

749

So, I'm a certified expert in finding

the one thing on the menus that, one

750

thing on the menu that's unavailable.

751

If we go out, you'll have the

honor of witnessing it firsthand.

752

Yeah, it has this like

womp womp kind of feel.

753

Yeah.

754

So you don't need to put yourself down.

755

In order to make yourself appealing

or, or anyone else for that matter.

756

Yeah.

757

Josh: Yeah, it strikes me there's like

a fine line between the kind of like

758

gently poking fun at your quirks like

the tax example and, and the kind of

759

self deprecating, putting yourself down.

760

Right.

761

And, you know, I, I know there have been

times in my life where I've struggled

762

to find that line where I will make a

joke and it's like, in hindsight, I'm

763

like, Oh, that was actually just kind of.

764

Uh, in a way that wasn't very funny

versus the moments when I'm like more

765

centered in myself and more like in

that truly playful space where I'm,

766

I'm playing and it's like, I wish I

had a good example right now, but you

767

know, it just feels, it feels lighter.

768

It feels more like we're playing together

cause there's no, there's no sense

769

I'm actually, um, diminishing myself.

770

It's more like, huh, I'm silly.

771

I'm a weird human.

772

Right.

773

Isn't that great?

774

Yes.

775

Um, rather than like,

oh, I'm a weird human.

776

Isn't that awful?

777

Jessica: Totally.

778

I think that's the key is the tone of it.

779

Is it like, yeah, I'm weird

and I'm still like, wonderful.

780

Yeah.

781

Right.

782

And I think that was the thing about the,

the procrastinating on the taxes example.

783

It's like kind of like teasing oneself

for procrastinating, but then it's like,

784

and here's what I do to like counter that.

785

And it's like.

786

Josh: I love it.

787

I love it.

788

And so in terms of, uh, just kind of

summarizing, because that was so much

789

good stuff right there, uh, in terms

of how to write, start with a hook, uh,

790

use imagery, Appeal to the five senses.

791

Help them experience what

you're talking about.

792

Show, don't tell.

793

And give examples of what

you're talking about.

794

And then, uh, and then all the sweet

tone pieces we were talking about.

795

Positive, warm, authentic, and

bringing a little bit of that humor.

796

You got it.

797

Perfect.

798

Okay.

799

Well, the next natural question is

once you've know what to say in your

800

profile is what pictures do I use?

801

Yes.

802

So let's get into that a little bit here.

803

I'm going to give you a simple

list just to get you started.

804

Okay.

805

Here's your simple list of what

pictures to include in your profile.

806

Number one, a headshot with a warm smile.

807

This is where you should start.

808

Should be nice, close up, so

people can see your face easily.

809

They can see the warmth.

810

It should be a natural smile.

811

That's the place to start.

812

Second, waist up.

813

A little bit wider shot.

814

At least one, third, at least

one full body, uh, picture.

815

Click and see who you are.

816

And then a fourth one, one

doing something that you love.

817

If that's all you did, great.

818

Great place to start.

819

And, uh, then within those photos, within

those four different photos, ideally

820

include at least two different outfits.

821

And, and one of those should be

how you might look on a date.

822

Uh, so if you get dressed up

real fancy on a date, Show off

823

those fancy clothes you wear.

824

If you're a little more casual

on a date, great, show that too.

825

But just however you would be on a date.

826

Now, let's go a little deeper here.

827

You've got those four things.

828

Within that, you might consider

including a black and white photo.

829

Uh, some of the research from

Hinge, from Logan Urie's book.

830

is that black and white photos

see 106 percent boost in likes.

831

In addition to maybe a black and white

photo, aim for some candid photos.

832

Those are also more likely to get a like,

about 15 percent more likely to get a

833

like according to Logan Ury's research.

834

Jessica: More likely to

get a like than posed?

835

Josh: Than posed.

836

Got it.

837

Things not to include.

838

Group photos.

839

Why not?

840

You don't want people to have to work

to figure out who you are in the photo.

841

If someone's confused, they're

gonna swipe left real quick.

842

Yes.

843

Okay.

844

And no, you don't need to

demonstrate that you have friends.

845

Everyone has friends.

846

They want to see who you are.

847

They're dating you, not your friends.

848

Jessica: We do have a little bit of

a, uh, a fight about this on our team.

849

We have some clinicians who are in the,

you can have one group photo camp but you

850

have to make sure they know who you are.

851

Josh: It's gotta be real clear.

852

Yeah.

853

No confusion.

854

Uh, okay.

855

Good.

856

Also don't include selfies, especially

bathroom mirror selfies, just don't.

857

And there's research for this, according

to Logan Urie's research, those decrease

858

the chance of getting a like by 90%.

859

So, listen up.

860

Show that you have a friend who

can take a good picture of you.

861

What else not to include?

862

Filters, sunglasses really big

hats, anything else that makes

863

it hard to tell who you are.

864

And then finally, pictures with someone

who could be confused for your partner

865

or your child if you don't have a child.

866

Jessica: Yes.

867

I'll also add, if you've got children

in your life, like nieces and nephews,

868

and you want to share a photo with them,

make sure you check with their parents.

869

Josh: That's a great point.

870

Jessica: And also make sure you

let the reader know they're not

871

your children, or if they are

your children, let them know that.

872

Josh: Good.

873

Okay.

874

I also want to talk about, just briefly,

what makes a good online dating photo?

875

Okay.

876

So we've talked about some

things not to include, not to do.

877

What makes a good online dating photo?

878

Uh, some open body language, right?

879

Uh, just kind of naturally

we respond better to that.

880

If you're kind of crossed arms, you're

kind of hunched down, your chest is

881

closed, it doesn't give the experience

of this person is open, excited to

882

meet you, warm, available, right?

883

Also, natural smile.

884

And I know this can be

hard for some of us.

885

Some of us struggle taking

photos where we look natural.

886

And if that's you, hang on a

second, I'm going to give you some

887

tips for what to do about that.

888

But look for the photos.

889

Choose the photos where you

are smiling authentically.

890

We connect to that.

891

That is just like hardwired, uh,

into the way that we process.

892

And also include things that are current.

893

Uh, this goes back to what you

were saying earlier, Jess, about

894

representing yourself accurately, right?

895

Uh, don't include photos

from 10 years ago.

896

you don't want to show up on the date

and have the person be like, wait, who?

897

That is not a good way to start a

relationship and it is not going

898

to get you a second or third date.

899

And finally, high quality, right?

900

Not blurry, not out of

focus, not poorly cropped.

901

Even if it's a great picture of you, if

it's kind of blurry, it's not putting

902

your best foot forward and it's going

to make it hard to see who you are.

903

So don't do it.

904

Okay, now, how do you take good

photos for an online dating profile?

905

I'll give you a couple of quick tips here.

906

We'll also link to an article on our

blog that gives a little bit more

907

information about how to take good photos.

908

But number one just in terms of

when to shoot and how to get good

909

light, shoot You know, hour and

a half, two hours before sunset.

910

This is known as the golden hour,

where you get that really nice, warm,

911

light, soft, lovely golden color.

912

It just looks great.

913

Everyone looks great in golden hour.

914

And as I mentioned, if you struggle to

get photos of yourself that look natural,

915

bring a friend to your photo shoot.

916

Whether you're doing a photo shoot with

a friend who's just taking pictures

917

of you for the, or if you're doing

a professional photo shoot, bring a

918

friend, someone who is going to make

you laugh, who you feel comfortable

919

with, who is fine being a little silly.

920

I have done this almost every time.

921

I have taken Photo, professional

photos, especially, uh, because

922

if I don't, I will look stiff.

923

I'll be like, I'll have a weird,

unnatural smile on my face because

924

I'm trying real hard to do the right

thing and it just doesn't look good.

925

And if you have a friend who's just

like behind the camera person, just

926

kind of clowning around, making goofy

faces at you, you know, whatever you

927

need, who's going to help you laugh

and smile and be silly, that is golden.

928

Last thing on photos we often get the

question, should I get professional

929

photos for my dating profile?

930

And the way I'll answer that is

number one, are you not getting

931

quality matches or just not

getting very many matches at all?

932

If yes, this is something to consider.

933

And, can you afford it, right?

934

It is it's a real question.

935

It's a constraint for some folks.

936

And if the answer to both of those

questions is yes, I say go for it.

937

Having high quality photos

makes a huge difference.

938

Even if it's just like a high quality

headshot for that first image, something

939

that really shows you in your best light

we frequently recommend getting some

940

new professional photos to our client.

941

And if you can't afford it, you can still

get some great photos from a friend with

942

a phone camera or From a friend who has,

like, a DSLR camera that can also make

943

a huge difference even if they're not

a professional photographer and as I

944

mentioned, we'll link to an article on

the blog, uh, for some more tips there.

945

Anything that you would add about photos?

946

Jessica: I love all of that.

947

Coming back to having a friend with

you, just to name from an attachment

948

perspective, what you're doing there is

you're activating, ideally, sort of that

949

secure attachment side of you, the part of

you that's warm and playful and connected.

950

That's so much easier to do when we

have someone with us, we feel safe.

951

And that's exactly what you want to be

showing your potential future partner.

952

So I love that.

953

If you don't have a friend

with you, you can think.

954

Think about the things that you love,

the things that, you know, think about

955

your future partner, whatever it is

that like brings a twinkle to your eye.

956

We're really wanting you not just to

like look attractive objectively, but

957

to also like show your spirit, right?

958

Show like your vibe, as the kids say.

959

And there are some really

great photographers.

960

We do refer to some photographers who

are introverts themselves and know how

961

to bring introverts out of their shell.

962

Or, um, the one wonderful photographer

we worked with for our team

963

photos last time, Andrea Scherr.

964

She I loved how she anytime anyone

would be taking photos, she'd be like,

965

Oh my God, you look like a supermodel.

966

Like you look amazing.

967

Yeah.

968

And it was just this like,

this like I don't know, 30

969

minute, just like gassing us up.

970

Yeah.

971

Making us feel like fabulous.

972

Yeah.

973

So just know a really good photographer

who's good fit for you can also do that.

974

Josh: Yeah.

975

So you may want to interview, if

you're talking to professional

976

photographers, you may want to interview

them about what do you do to help

977

someone feel comfortable and relax.

978

Yes.

979

Jessica: Yeah, and make sure that you

feel comfortable in that consultation.

980

Yes.

981

Yes.

982

The other thing I'll say about a hack

for looking, um, relaxed and natural,

983

you, your face will probably set into

certain expressions after a while.

984

And so to get out of that, you can

jump up and down and spin around.

985

Okay.

986

And that kind of like resets your body.

987

I love that.

988

Yeah.

989

That's a little bit of

990

movement.

991

Josh: I also like making

weird faces in between.

992

Uh, shots.

993

I find that helpful.

994

Just like, kind of like resets my

facial muscles a little bit too.

995

Mm-Hmm.

996

.

Jessica: Well then it adds that silliness, right?

997

Mm-Hmm.

998

It allows you to be like, yeah, this

is, this is a playful thing we're doing.

999

Yeah.

00:48:19,755 --> 00:48:23,266

And lastly, I'll just also add,

I see a lot of people wanting to.

00:48:24,255 --> 00:48:28,165

Include pictures of them with,

like, a beautiful mountain

00:48:28,165 --> 00:48:32,635

behind them or some great sort of

background, but you can't see them.

00:48:32,825 --> 00:48:33,465

Mmm, yeah.

00:48:33,775 --> 00:48:34,885

And I don't recommend these.

00:48:34,945 --> 00:48:37,255

Like, the person is looking at your

photos because they want to check you out.

00:48:38,085 --> 00:48:42,855

You can communicate to them

that you've been to wherever.

00:48:43,210 --> 00:48:43,990

The Taj Mahal.

00:48:44,600 --> 00:48:45,810

In your first date.

00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:48,220

Like, that, that doesn't need to

be communicated through that photo.

00:48:48,720 --> 00:48:51,890

So, all of the space you have for

photos, let them check you out.

00:48:51,940 --> 00:48:52,240

Yep.

00:48:52,780 --> 00:48:53,240

Perfect.

00:48:54,134 --> 00:48:54,904

Josh: Uh, okay, good.

00:48:54,954 --> 00:48:57,944

Well, I've got a question for you.

00:48:58,254 --> 00:48:58,494

Great.

00:48:58,554 --> 00:49:02,394

Uh, which is, how honest

should you be on dating apps?

00:49:02,854 --> 00:49:06,844

Jessica: Right, We have a lot of clients

we work with who are late in life virgins

00:49:06,844 --> 00:49:08,744

or who haven't had a lot of relationships.

00:49:08,774 --> 00:49:10,539

And they're like, Do I

say that in my profile?

00:49:10,769 --> 00:49:11,929

When do I disclose that?

00:49:11,939 --> 00:49:16,829

Or things like being neurodivergent or

having, uh, mental health struggles.

00:49:16,829 --> 00:49:18,359

Do you put that into your profile?

00:49:19,769 --> 00:49:23,629

So this one, it's a great question,

Josh, and I really like to

00:49:24,209 --> 00:49:26,979

highlight that this is going to be

different person to person, right?

00:49:26,979 --> 00:49:29,459

You're really going to need to weigh

the pros and cons for yourself and

00:49:29,459 --> 00:49:30,869

determine what you're comfortable with.

00:49:31,379 --> 00:49:35,259

One thing I want to just affirm

is that you get to unmask or come

00:49:35,259 --> 00:49:37,459

out in your own way and time.

00:49:38,304 --> 00:49:42,634

There is no requirement unless

the disclosure of that information

00:49:43,084 --> 00:49:46,594

is important for keeping others

safe or building a positive

00:49:46,594 --> 00:49:47,634

relationship with that person.

00:49:47,874 --> 00:49:51,094

Okay, so let me go over

what I mean by that.

00:49:51,434 --> 00:49:53,714

One example is, let's say

you're living with an STI.

00:49:54,644 --> 00:49:58,014

Okay, you don't need to

share that on your profile.

00:49:58,454 --> 00:50:00,584

You can if you want

to, and some people do.

00:50:00,754 --> 00:50:04,984

They choose to share that or they

choose to join sites where other

00:50:04,984 --> 00:50:06,054

people are living with the same.

00:50:06,429 --> 00:50:06,719

SDI.

00:50:07,279 --> 00:50:07,749

Okay.

00:50:08,832 --> 00:50:12,652

But you don't need to share that until

your sexual relationship advances to

00:50:12,652 --> 00:50:15,642

the point where the other person's

health could be impacted, right?

00:50:16,202 --> 00:50:17,932

Then you're going to want to

share that information and

00:50:17,932 --> 00:50:19,082

make sure you obtain consent.

00:50:20,837 --> 00:50:22,567

Consent is sexy, right?

00:50:23,667 --> 00:50:27,447

And then the other piece to hold in

here is as you're determining like,

00:50:27,477 --> 00:50:30,857

should I be sharing something, think

about how the other person might

00:50:30,857 --> 00:50:34,387

feel if they learned that piece of

information further down the line.

00:50:34,777 --> 00:50:36,047

It's another good way to check it.

00:50:36,047 --> 00:50:39,897

Like if you were in their shoes and you

learned a certain piece of information

00:50:40,017 --> 00:50:43,807

like six months in versus six weeks in,

would there be a big difference for you?

00:50:45,747 --> 00:50:50,807

In terms of deciding, really

consider the pros and cons of

00:50:50,807 --> 00:50:54,647

sharing publicly the information

that you're thinking about, okay?

00:50:55,227 --> 00:51:00,217

So you probably want to consider within

that safety concerns and also your

00:51:00,217 --> 00:51:03,277

level of anxiety or discomfort, okay?

00:51:03,897 --> 00:51:07,057

So reasons you might opt to

disclose some information is you're

00:51:07,057 --> 00:51:10,747

really eager to find someone who

accepts you as you are from go.

00:51:11,488 --> 00:51:15,088

You might also just want to eliminate the

stressor of deciding when to disclose.

00:51:16,208 --> 00:51:20,108

Uh, or you have a history of dating

people who reject you for that very thing.

00:51:20,588 --> 00:51:24,178

In which case, it can be a really

self loving thing to name it up

00:51:24,178 --> 00:51:25,608

front and not go through that again.

00:51:26,868 --> 00:51:29,738

Now, reasons you might

withhold some information.

00:51:30,118 --> 00:51:31,158

Safety concerns.

00:51:32,868 --> 00:51:37,848

You might also want to reduce the chances

of being rejected out of hand as a result

00:51:37,848 --> 00:51:40,098

of incorrect assumptions or stereotypes.

00:51:40,188 --> 00:51:44,228

Okay, so for example, the term autistic

tends to conjure up a very particular

00:51:44,228 --> 00:51:46,958

picture in people's minds, right?

00:51:47,288 --> 00:51:50,788

It's the, like, rain man kind of

stereotype or the socially inept

00:51:50,818 --> 00:51:54,758

basement dwellers and, you know,

that is just not what autism is.

00:51:54,778 --> 00:52:01,398

Is Mm-Hmm, . So if, if you want to

avoid just being rejected immediately

00:52:01,758 --> 00:52:04,458

and unfairly you, you may choose

not to share that right away.

00:52:06,178 --> 00:52:09,208

One other reason you might opt to

withhold information is you just

00:52:09,208 --> 00:52:12,028

don't feel comfortable sharing it

publicly and you prefer to have a

00:52:12,028 --> 00:52:13,438

relationship before disclosing it.

00:52:14,408 --> 00:52:18,488

So I really encourage you to kind of

look at the pros and cons, talk about

00:52:18,488 --> 00:52:22,258

it with someone you love to really

decide where the line is for you.

00:52:22,728 --> 00:52:23,888

There is no right or wrong.

00:52:24,788 --> 00:52:25,518

Josh: I love that answer.

00:52:26,405 --> 00:52:26,645

Jessica: Yeah.

00:52:26,645 --> 00:52:29,435

And just two things I recommend

not putting on your dating profile.

00:52:29,435 --> 00:52:31,905

These may be self evident,

but I will name them anyways.

00:52:32,415 --> 00:52:34,565

Personal information, like

where you work or live.

00:52:34,675 --> 00:52:34,905

Mm.

00:52:35,045 --> 00:52:35,255

Yep.

00:52:36,195 --> 00:52:41,565

And then hates, dislikes, negative humor,

or deal breakers phrased very negatively.

00:52:41,645 --> 00:52:41,875

Mm hmm.

00:52:41,875 --> 00:52:43,555

We've gone over some

examples of that already.

00:52:44,145 --> 00:52:45,455

And the last one is nothing.

00:52:46,905 --> 00:52:48,795

Do not have an empty profile.

00:52:48,795 --> 00:52:53,065

Good.

00:52:53,065 --> 00:52:53,335

Good.

00:52:53,875 --> 00:52:54,225

Josh: Yep.

00:52:55,218 --> 00:52:57,078

Jessica: Josh, my next question for you.

00:52:57,128 --> 00:52:57,508

Yes.

00:52:57,548 --> 00:52:58,398

Are you ready for it?

00:52:58,438 --> 00:52:58,918

I'm ready.

00:52:59,858 --> 00:53:04,138

Should I use audio or video

prompts in my profile?

00:53:04,548 --> 00:53:05,678

Josh: Well, that's an excellent question.

00:53:06,472 --> 00:53:11,252

found that matching over a voice

00:53:11,252 --> 00:53:17,012

prompt was 80 percent more likely

to lead to a date than 80%?

00:53:17,332 --> 00:53:18,272

80 percent more likely.

00:53:20,717 --> 00:53:24,727

And, in addition, Hinge research also

found that 65 percent of Hinge daters

00:53:24,977 --> 00:53:28,047

wanted to hear the voice of someone

they were potentially matching with.

00:53:29,097 --> 00:53:33,087

So I think there's some strong signals

that it can be really beneficial.

00:53:33,327 --> 00:53:38,527

It can be a great way to connect, to

get a sense of somebody really quickly.

00:53:38,692 --> 00:53:39,062

Right?

00:53:39,062 --> 00:53:43,752

We, we get a sense of their warmth, their

tone of voice, their personality so much

00:53:43,752 --> 00:53:47,772

more quickly through hearing them or

seeing them moving in, you know, in real

00:53:47,772 --> 00:53:50,712

time than, uh, than just a static picture.

00:53:51,872 --> 00:53:57,462

That said, as some of you may be

aware from the various poorly done

00:53:57,462 --> 00:54:01,192

prompts that you see on TikTok if

it's done badly, it can be really bad.

00:54:02,102 --> 00:54:07,162

And so You want to use it, you know,

judiciously, I guess I would say.

00:54:07,672 --> 00:54:09,322

And if you're someone that you really...

00:54:09,762 --> 00:54:13,552

You really struggle to record

something that really feels

00:54:13,552 --> 00:54:15,022

authentic to who you are.

00:54:15,382 --> 00:54:19,912

It gives you a lot of anxiety, perhaps,

to try to record a video or a short

00:54:19,972 --> 00:54:22,402

voice thing for an online dating profile.

00:54:22,852 --> 00:54:23,652

Don't worry about it.

00:54:24,182 --> 00:54:25,052

Just don't do it.

00:54:25,542 --> 00:54:27,942

It you know, it's not

going to be make or break.

00:54:29,847 --> 00:54:33,027

And if you want to give it a try

I would recommend a similar thing

00:54:33,027 --> 00:54:34,297

to what you recommended earlier.

00:54:34,627 --> 00:54:38,257

Uh, just let yourself kind of, you might

have a friend come join you and just talk

00:54:38,277 --> 00:54:40,177

with them and record it as you're talking.

00:54:40,497 --> 00:54:43,107

You might just kind of walk

around your house and just talk

00:54:43,107 --> 00:54:44,387

out loud while you're recording.

00:54:44,907 --> 00:54:49,177

Uh, let yourself do a bunch, you know, do

a bunch of takes if you need to outside

00:54:49,177 --> 00:54:51,227

of the app before you put it into the app.

00:54:51,727 --> 00:54:55,197

So that you're, you're not kind

of editing as you go in real time.

00:54:56,757 --> 00:55:01,067

A couple of things I would also recommend

you don't do here is, if you are going

00:55:01,067 --> 00:55:05,307

to use an audio or video prompt, don't

use it for something that could have

00:55:05,307 --> 00:55:07,727

been answered in a text prompt, right?

00:55:07,727 --> 00:55:12,187

Like, don't, don't answer where you want

to travel with a single word, China.

00:55:12,867 --> 00:55:13,197

Right?

00:55:13,197 --> 00:55:15,317

It's like, why did you record that in a...

00:55:15,827 --> 00:55:18,317

In an audio prompt, there's

not really a reason for that.

00:55:18,707 --> 00:55:21,947

Um, let it be something that, you

know, gives you a chance to share a

00:55:21,947 --> 00:55:26,087

little bit more about who you are,

your dreams, your values your emotions.

00:55:27,297 --> 00:55:33,757

And also don't just record the first

thing with a lot of gaps in long pauses.

00:55:33,817 --> 00:55:35,177

and just put it up there.

00:55:35,607 --> 00:55:40,197

Uh, no one wants to listen to like 30

seconds of you fumbling around your words.

00:55:40,287 --> 00:55:41,897

You know, you can rerecord it.

00:55:42,507 --> 00:55:43,857

Everyone knows you can rerecord it.

00:55:43,857 --> 00:55:46,497

So if you didn't bother, you're

sending a pretty clear signal that you

00:55:46,497 --> 00:55:51,137

didn't really put much into this which

is not how you want to start off a

00:55:51,137 --> 00:55:53,947

relationship with someone that you're

hoping to be a long term partner with.

00:55:55,111 --> 00:55:55,501

Jessica: Right.

00:55:55,801 --> 00:55:59,771

And what I'm hearing in that is one of

the themes that's really throughout.

00:55:59,986 --> 00:56:03,796

Everything we're saying, which is

your intention around this profile,

00:56:03,796 --> 00:56:07,486

your pictures, all of it is going

to come through and that is going

00:56:07,486 --> 00:56:11,796

to be part of what builds a strong

container for your relationship.

00:56:12,026 --> 00:56:12,206

Yeah.

00:56:12,206 --> 00:56:13,886

The other person can feel

that you are engaged.

00:56:13,916 --> 00:56:14,176

Yeah.

00:56:14,226 --> 00:56:14,936

Josh: Absolutely.

00:56:15,156 --> 00:56:15,366

Yeah.

00:56:15,396 --> 00:56:18,226

I just as you're saying that it's like

the principle that occurs to me is like

00:56:18,876 --> 00:56:23,916

be with your online dating profile like

you would be with the love of your life.

00:56:23,946 --> 00:56:24,416

Yes.

00:56:24,436 --> 00:56:24,686

Yeah.

00:56:25,936 --> 00:56:30,686

With that level of care,

kindness, uh, intention.

00:56:32,236 --> 00:56:34,946

Just that is how you want to be because

you are starting the relationship.

00:56:35,186 --> 00:56:37,796

You're starting the relationship

there, uh, whether you

00:56:37,796 --> 00:56:39,036

know the person or not yet.

00:56:40,836 --> 00:56:41,686

Jessica: Absolutely.

00:56:41,696 --> 00:56:46,886

Yeah, and I, I, I think you can, you

know, as you said, have a friend with

00:56:46,886 --> 00:56:53,711

you who maybe brings up that energy of,

of love, secure attachment, connection.

00:56:54,241 --> 00:56:57,881

You can speak to them as you're recording

these things, or you can actually just

00:56:57,881 --> 00:57:01,281

imagine your ideal partner and kind of

get into that space of, of the kind of

00:57:01,281 --> 00:57:03,131

love that you share and speak from there.

00:57:04,091 --> 00:57:04,561

Perfect.

00:57:06,641 --> 00:57:11,051

I have one more thought, actually,

about the voice and video.

00:57:14,466 --> 00:57:19,736

I'm just thinking it again from the stance

of attachment, and I'm thinking of infants

00:57:19,766 --> 00:57:24,726

and how when infants come out of the womb,

they start to track visually very soon,

00:57:24,726 --> 00:57:26,236

but they actually can't see very much.

00:57:26,626 --> 00:57:30,876

So a lot of the bonding that happens

with their caregivers is through sound,

00:57:30,966 --> 00:57:33,526

through voice, um, and through touch.

00:57:34,116 --> 00:57:37,116

And so, um, when you're

sharing your voice.

00:57:37,256 --> 00:57:41,906

Or an, an image of you, you're, you're

allowing that person to bond with you.

00:57:42,206 --> 00:57:42,536

Mm-Hmm.

00:57:42,542 --> 00:57:45,916

. Um, so that's gonna really increase

your chances of a deep connection.

00:57:46,296 --> 00:57:46,686

Hmm.

00:57:48,236 --> 00:57:49,166

Josh: That makes so much sense.

00:57:50,229 --> 00:57:50,609

Okay.

00:57:50,909 --> 00:57:52,449

So that's a wrap on your profile.

00:57:52,499 --> 00:57:54,479

I, that we just, that was a big download.

00:57:55,109 --> 00:57:57,949

Feel free to come back and

like listen to this again, take

00:57:57,949 --> 00:57:59,909

sections as is helpful for you.

00:57:59,949 --> 00:58:02,959

I know that was a lot of information,

uh, but hopefully that gives you

00:58:02,999 --> 00:58:06,049

a good place to start as you're

crafting or updating your profile.

00:58:06,903 --> 00:58:09,603

Alright, that's all for today.

00:58:10,183 --> 00:58:13,318

Uh, you can find the show notes with

links to all the resources we mentioned.

00:58:18,063 --> 00:58:20,983

Jessica: Yes, and dear listener, if

something in this episode touched

00:58:20,983 --> 00:58:25,063

you, will you please leave a rating

and review in Apple Podcasts?

00:58:25,063 --> 00:58:29,593

That would mean the world to us and

to all the sweet humans who, like you,

00:58:29,633 --> 00:58:34,273

are hungry to build a kinder, more

connected world and who we want to connect

00:58:35,913 --> 00:58:35,973

Josh: with.

00:58:35,973 --> 00:58:36,753

Until next time.

00:58:36,998 --> 00:58:37,738

We love you too.

00:58:37,738 --> 00:58:38,343

We love you too.

00:58:39,003 --> 00:58:39,273

Jessica: Bye.

00:59:07,498 --> 00:59:08,198

One of the, uh.

00:59:08,883 --> 00:59:14,513

Profile blurbs I wrote but did

not share was, um, a big blob of

00:59:14,643 --> 00:59:18,173

peanut butter looking for his jelly

to make little sandwich babies.

00:59:20,443 --> 00:59:20,503

Oh, my God.