In this very special bonus episode, the intersection of reality and practice comes to our podcast host when a very recent event took place in his life that was so profound, that it could of taken him off course. Listen to this small explanation and how it can have important ramifications not only in the ways that you can be vulnerable to help others, but to create the true best version of yourself to overcome obstacles that may be in your way, even when they are unexpectantly presented to you.

WARNING: This episode discusses suicide. Please consult with someone if you are experiencing a crisis and no other means are available for assistance. Dialing 988 will help save a life during a mental health crisis and provide needed resources where seconds count. Visit https://988lifeline.org/chat to learn more.

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

2

determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

3

This is Speaking From The Heart.

4

Joshua: Welcome back to a special episode

of Speaking From the Heart, although

5

even as I say that, it might not be as

special after you hear what I have to say.

6

You see, this episode

was not even planned.

7

It was something that wasn't in my

schedule in which to record at all,

8

because it was something that happened

to me within the last week that has

9

been one of the most challenging of

experiences since my suicide attempt three

10

and a half years ago, in which I had yet

another relapse into the thought process

11

that got me into the bad situations

that I was in from the very beginning.

12

I have to tell you that for many

people that are out there, this is

13

probably not going to be an easy

episode to listen to, because it's

14

about me, your podcast host, Joshua D.

15

Smith.

16

As a matter of fact, it's putting

something out there in the universe that

17

for maybe one day, I will go back and

listen to and think why did I ever think

18

the thoughts that I did, but yet, I want

this episode to come out sooner rather

19

than later because of the importance of

what this topic is all about, which is why

20

this episode will not be numbered and will

not count towards any sort of significance

21

whatsoever into the catalog of my episodes

overall, but I do want to share something

22

that has happened to me, that I hope

might bring some hope in your world; that

23

there is always good that will happen

on the other side, regardless of what

24

you think your purpose is in this world.

25

Last Monday I had a fight with someone

that, even to this day, I feel that maybe

26

I could have acted better, but it was

something that was said to me that made

27

me really think about the fact that I need

to continue to have this conversation.

28

This is why Speaking From the Heart, the

podcast in which I started through my

29

business, Your Speaking Voice, exists.

30

This is the reason why I started

my business in the first place: to

31

continuously remind me of the purpose

that we all have in this world,

32

which ironically enough, when this

recording comes out, it is already on

33

the same week in which I talked about,

several months ago when I recorded,

34

Finding Our Purpose, to come out.

35

I think that it's often interesting

in our lives that when things happen

36

for a reason, we are often surrounded

by the same reminders of the things

37

that we're challenged to become.

38

We might be becoming that past

version of who we are before we even

39

realized what had transpired, and

let me give you the context of the

40

story that I wish to share with you.

41

It was about a week ago,

and I had a very bad day.

42

I mean, it was one of those days

in which you go to work, and you

43

think that you're going to have one

of the best moments of your life.

44

It's almost as if you think that

the work that you're going to

45

accomplish is going to change

things, but something wasn't right.

46

People were very angry that

day or just robustness of all

47

kinds of other things happening.

48

It just didn't sit with me that

that day was going to turn out

49

the way that I thought it would.

50

Some things were said to me at the

workplace that oftentimes would make

51

anybody feel terrible about themselves,

and it wasn't anything really that

52

extravagant, but being that I'm autistic,

which I've shared on this show, it

53

created a lot of ramifications for

my own mindset to really overcome.

54

Oftentimes I think that we want to

have this best day in our lives when

55

we go to work, or whether we want to

work on a project of any sort, but

56

this day was a little bit different

than what I was supposed to expect.

57

I got home, and I realized that I did

something wrong, and I'm not going to

58

mention their name, and I'm not going

to mention what had happened, because

59

I don't want to put that person on the

spotlight on this podcast, because I

60

always, especially in my own business,

want to respect the confidentiality of

61

others and they might be even listening

to this at some point, and I don't

62

want them to think that there's any

ill feelings, but the thing is, is

63

that something happened in which, let's

just say, an animal got out when I got

64

home and pulled my car into the garage.

65

I wasn't really sure that

moment what actually happened,

66

because I didn't see anything.

67

Later on, I was confronted by the owner

of that animal, in which, after knowing

68

this person for a long time, had said

some very hateful things about who I am.

69

Some of the things that ran through

my head after the things that they

70

said came alive, which I will share

with you what those things are.

71

I was told that I was really not an

active person to really contribute to the

72

household, which, let's face it, I know

that sometimes I'm not a very perfect

73

person when it comes to keeping up with

things and sometimes that happens because

74

of the hustle and bustle of my life being

a business owner and all kinds of other

75

things really translate into all different

types of situations that oftentimes

76

I wish I wasn't even doing after the

fact: cleaning up after yourself,

77

putting the laundry away, feeding

yourself, all those different things.

78

I knew that I messed up but instead

of being apologetic about it though,

79

my volume of my voice raised because

I was angry: "why was I being told

80

this?", and that I wasn't good enough.

81

Now and I wasn't before because that

was also another statement that this

82

has been happening always When is

that communication ever going to

83

happen though that we should have

been told that we need to change?

84

Then there was something else that was

said that really struck me to the heart.

85

These words, or the radiance of

what really has been my problem all

86

along and would forever get me down

into a spiral which I have had to

87

climb out of time and time again.

88

This person said to me that I

can't be trusted with anything.

89

That they can't go anywhere without

getting someone else involved

90

because I'm unworthy of their trust.

91

Now, I don't know about you if you

have ever been through this, whether

92

it's in a relationship or whether

it's with a personal conflict that

93

happens at work, but that let my heart

sank to the very depths of where I

94

was feeling on February 23rd, 2020.

95

Now, I handled it really well for two

days, and I also was talking to my

96

therapist about the situation which was

playing out in my head, and I really

97

wanted to get the assurance that I was

doing good things, that I am doing the

98

right thing no matter what, but yet I

went down a path that I'm not proud of.

99

I was thinking about suicide.

100

Now, I know it's tough to hear these

words and you hear it from somebody that

101

maybe you've been listening to several

dozen of these episodes, which, if you

102

have been an active follower, thank you.

103

I really support the fact that you have

been behind me in my journey and what

104

I want to share to the world and to

becoming the best version of ourselves,

105

but I was not the best version of myself.

106

As a matter of fact, I was out of

commission for five calendar days.

107

I could not function.

108

I had a complete shutdown.

109

What transpired after even

my therapy appointment turned

110

into something much worse.

111

On Thursday, after even trying to work

through some of the things and that I was

112

having a bad day, it got worse and worse.

113

The coping skills that I've been learning

and trying to improve upon in the last

114

three and a half years was not working.

115

I was struggling so much with

trying to understand and trying

116

to create those opportunities in

myself that really were not working.

117

Those skills that I was learning

was not working at that moment.

118

Those skills in which I was using

were not working at that moment.

119

Then, the posts on Facebook, which many

of you might be listening to this because

120

you might have seen some things on my

personal Facebook page that make you

121

question whether I'm truly okay: things

about rejection, a volunteer role which

122

I will not talk about here on this show;

if you're a friend of mine, you know what

123

I'm talking about, but I was rejected.

124

I even after all the improvements

that I've made about the things that

125

I do, and sometimes even the things

that I hold really complacent about

126

what I want to create in my life.

127

Nobody else wanted to see that I thought

I was a piece of shit to somebody else's

128

eyes, but what made it even worse was

that I was feeling that no one cared that

129

I was always going to be on the bottom

of someone's shoe, almost like a piece

130

of gum that got stuck and needed to be

pried out in order to be thrown away.

131

I was feeling like I was worth nothing.

132

I did not want to be the

best version of who I am.

133

I was putting it out there though

that my world was falling apart

134

and many, many people were

reaching out to me saying, " No!

135

Don't say that about yourself.

136

You are worthy of all the things

that you have been accomplishing.

137

The business has been something

that you have been really working

138

on and has created some of the best

of opportunities that you never

139

thought possible because of that.

140

You are doing so many incredible things.

141

You got to keep going and make this

happen no matter what", but I know that

142

also from some of those things that

have been happening was really about

143

the fact that I was not feeling worthy

of all the love that I was receiving.

144

People telling me, "This is

a marathon, not a sprint."

145

"You're far more successful

than you realize."

146

"This feeling will pass."

147

"It's just a bump in the road.

148

Just know that you're not a failure."

149

"Keep talking about your story.

150

Keep telling people who you are."

151

"Look at what I've been saying

to my friends and family.

152

Don't feel like you're a failure."

153

"Your life does mean something.

154

You can change this process."

155

"In your life, all you

need to do is stop."

156

People that I knew that were

just seeing me the other day were

157

surprised by even the reactions that

I had: "please, reach out to me.

158

Keep your chin up.

159

Make sure that you know that

I'm an inspiration for you, and

160

in turn, people letting me know

that they were inspired by me.

161

People offering that they want to

listen that the only way that you need

162

to get through this is to keep going

through and that you are an inspiration

163

and that you're passionate about the

impacts that you're making even my own

164

mom who if my mom is listening that said

that I should come home, and yes mom,

165

I know I do need to come home but what

I do need to come home to is that I am

166

not that same person that I once was.

167

I have to read to you what I said

on one of these posts that I want to

168

challenge all of you on, and it's the

following: I said that "I'm nothing but

169

a lazy failure that only takes up space

and can't be trusted for anything."

170

I don't know what hateful words that you

might be using out there that might be

171

challenging who you are, and it sucks

that I'm autistic because then I have to

172

struggle with those brain issues that I

have being on the spectrum, and having

173

to understand that these things come up

because the one thing that got to the

174

heart of everything that I've been through

really stuck it to me, and I know that

175

maybe I will still pay the ultimate price

because this is still new, and these are

176

things that are still happen in my life,

and I know that I'm still learning to

177

cope with a whole new reality since even

COVID before this ever happened, which

178

is my own personality crashing down.

179

I don't know what's crashing around you,

and I will admit that maybe I have none

180

of the answers that you might be listening

for today, but I did hear something in

181

my heart at one moment when I was laying

on the couch, contemplating whether I

182

wanted to really kill myself yet again,

and it was a different voice this time.

183

It was a voice in which I realized

that maybe I need to keep crawling

184

back; that maybe I need to keep

moving forward despite all the pain

185

and the pressure that I've been

feeling deep down inside of myself.

186

Maybe this had to be something that

was completely different from the

187

other times in which that voice spoke,

but I heard these words in my head

188

that I really couldn't get out and

I want to share them with you now.

189

Even in the deepest of the lows that I

felt, something inside of me erupted.

190

Something told me to keep going, to

not give up, to not lose hope in this

191

world that generates a lot of lost hope.

192

There are still people that I'm still

trying to figure out whether I need to

193

keep them in my life or not, and I'm still

in that process now, and there's a lot of

194

change unexpected in my life that's going

to be happening pretty soon, but even as

195

we get into the fall months here and even

get into some of the end of the years

196

episodes in which I'm going to be talking

about a lot of different things relating

197

to helping you become that best version

of yourself in the new year, I've realized

198

that there is one thing that I want to

share with you now as a precursor to

199

what is yet to come in my life, and it's

this, that might be coming for you too.

200

When this sort of situation that I

just experienced comes and smacks

201

you across the face, are you going to

turn the other cheek, and get yourself

202

smacked on that side, or are you going

to grab the hand that's about ready

203

to smack you again, and tell them,

"No, you won't ever do that again."?

204

Change is hard.

205

Sometimes even admitting some of the

things that you are going through can be

206

quite vulnerable, and I know I'm putting

myself out there, and there might be

207

people that will have questions about

this, and they will still reach out to me,

208

saying, "What is it that you actually were

going through?", and I'm going to tell you

209

that those people that want to reach out,

I want you to do it for the right reasons.

210

Don't do it just because you

want to have the information.

211

Do it because you want to know what

kind of change you want to make in your

212

life so that maybe you don't have to go

through the same situation I did, or maybe

213

put someone else through the situation

that I just went through, because

214

there's always two sides to each story.

215

Be the person that you can be that allows

you to change not only the circumstances

216

in which you are going through, but also

allows you to create the opportunity

217

that you really want to have in your

life, and that means that sometimes when

218

it comes out of the unknown, be ready.

219

Be ready for something that might help

you or might hinder you, but if it does

220

hinder you, learn something from it.

221

Don't let it be taken away as an excuse

for something that you are just then

222

consistently pushed down on time and

time again, but I also have another

223

piece of advice for all of those

that might be wondering if I'm okay.

224

It's one thing to say to someone that you

are okay, but it's a whole other thing

225

to go the extra mile; maybe instead of

calling a welfare check on someone, give

226

them the space that they truly deserve.

227

Instead of always thinking that

there is the worst outcome that is

228

happening, give that person the space

to process what those thoughts are,

229

but it doesn't mean that you have an

open book to tell someone to dictate

230

that things are going to be better.

231

One of the most original things that I've

heard, and even that I preached, even on

232

other episodes that I have published on

this podcast, let alone that are yet to

233

be published, refer to the fact that we

have to be compassionate listeners, and

234

I've mentioned and I will mention again

in a future episode about the importance

235

of Tom Kaden and Michael Gingrich and

their organization, Someone to Tell It To,

236

which has a fabulous staff of people that

are challenging the belief of how we can

237

use compassionate listening to change the

whole spectrum of how we solve problems.

238

Why can't we just be listeners, instead

of just dictating to other people what to

239

feel, how to process, and how to overcome?

240

We need to challenge the status quo.

241

It doesn't mean always doing the

same thing over and over again,

242

and I know that, which is why I

was able to stop myself this time.

243

Does that mean that maybe I'll

be successful the next time that

244

maybe I do want to hurt myself?

245

I don't know, but I know this much: if

you really think that, if you listening

246

to this, that you think that I am going

to hurt myself, that you think that I

247

am a victim, and I'm playing that card

right now, and if you think that I am

248

just some sort of two bit loser in which

you're just going to unfriend me even

249

after this, I want you to really take a

big step back and think about the fact

250

that maybe I'm sharing this because I know

that we all have hurt inside of ourselves.

251

The level in which our hurt radiates

can be so much, and it can be even

252

overwhelming to the point that

we are never able to overcome.

253

Those are the people then that do decide

to hurt themselves, and maybe even end

254

their lives if they're successful enough,

but I challenged something in my life

255

three and a half years ago, all thanks

to a friend that allowed me to see who

256

I truly can become, and I'm living that

best version of myself right now as the

257

founder and owner of Your Speaking Voice

LLC, being a podcast host of Speaking

258

from the Heart, and sharing my story

across many different platforms, whether

259

on television, even on radio, even on

other podcasts, and even as I continue

260

to build my presence and get on that big

stage to always share what my story is

261

and how it can impact others, there's one

thing that you can do, whether you want

262

to do those sort of things that I'm doing,

or do it completely different, which is

263

this: keep feeding yourself of all the

good things that you have in your life.

264

Keep feeding yourself of all the

different things that you are able to

265

become just because you're surrounding

yourself with the right books, people,

266

and even coaching that will help you

become the best version of who you are,

267

but more importantly, as I've always

mentioned, pave it forward for others.

268

I can't stress it enough.

269

I am vulnerable in this episode

not to just gain points, not

270

to just say that, "Oh, woe me.

271

Please give me pity and sympathy

for what I've been going through",

272

because the world doesn't act that way.

273

As a guest of mine previous on this show

that you have listened to has already

274

stated, there is no excuse to keep holding

back when you have the unlimited potential

275

to keep moving forward, to keep telling

your story in the hopes that maybe one day

276

you'll continue to help others on a grand

scale, but it isn't about being on that

277

big stage, making millions of dollars,

maybe even billions in your lifetime.

278

It doesn't mean that you have to

always try to be the best person.

279

All you have to do is just change

one thing, maybe even one person in

280

your own life, and you can become

not only an influence for others,

281

but an influence on yourself.

282

Feel free to circulate this podcast

episode to those that might be struggling

283

at this very moment, especially as

we enter this fall and winter season,

284

which has been traditionally known

as the hell season for those that

285

are chronically depressed, because

this is the time of year people are

286

going to remember their loved ones.

287

They might even remember some of those

tragic situations that they've been going

288

through this past year, let alone what

is happening right now in this world,

289

which there is quite a lot of conflict,

even as you look at the Middle East, but

290

even here in the United States, where

this podcast is located at, we have a

291

lot more work to do in order to become

not only the best versions of ourselves,

292

but to enhance our voice, in quotation

marks, in this ever changing world.

293

If my voice today can share one

thing, and if there's only one thing,

294

I want you to know that I love you.

295

I love you for who you are, just as

much as I had to remind myself as I

296

was laying on my bed, and even on my

couch, telling myself even after hearing

297

some hateful words, that I am loved,

that I am worthy of all the blessings

298

that we can have in this world, but

I need to keep paving it forward, and

299

you need to keep paving it forward as

well, because you have what it takes.

300

You have everything in the world at

your disposal, and if you're ready

301

to work with someone that keeps on

bouncing back, and keeps on wanting to

302

be vulnerable, I'm your guy to work with.

303

Thanks for listening to this unnumbered

bonus episode of Speaking From the Heart.

304

Not only do I wish to hear from your

heart very soon, but I look forward

305

to it, because we all need something

in our life worth living for.

306

You are loved, you are an inspiration on

this earth, and just know that you can

307

be trusted when the going gets tough.

308

See you next time.

309

Outro: Thanks for listening.

310

For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

311

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

312

Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

313

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

314

See you next time.