It can be hard to accept a compliment. Perhaps we’ll come across as conceited if we do. Or maybe we’re so tough on ourselves that compliments don’t resonate or feel genuine. In this Emotional Push-Up, Dr. Emily is joined by Emotional Fitness Instructor at Coa, Karin Gold and shares a step-by-step method to help us all get a little more comfortable accepting compliments. 

Thank you for listening! Staying emotionally fit takes work and repetition. That's why the Emotionally Fit podcast with psychologist Dr. Emily Anhalt delivers short, actionable Emotional Push-Ups every Monday and Thursday to help you build a better practice of mental health. Join us to kickstart your emotional fitness. Let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

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The Emotionally Fit podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health. Katie Sunku Wood is the show’s producer from StudioPod Media with additional editing and sound design by Nodalab, and featuring music by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!

Ready to break an emotional sweat? Welcome to Emotionally Fit with me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. As a therapist, I know that staying mentally healthy takes work and repetition. That's why I'll share emotional pushups, short, actionable exercises to help you strengthen your mental fitness. From improving your friendships to managing stress, let's flex those fields and do some reps together. Hey there fit fans, I am here with Karin Gold, psychotherapist and emotional fitness facilitator at Coa. Hi, Karin, how are you doing today?

I'm doing well. Thanks for having me.

Thank you for being here. And today, what we're going to be talking about is how to accept a compliment. Tell me how good are you at receiving and accepting compliments?

Ooh, that's a tough question. I would say that I'm okay at compliments if I already believe them, but if it's a compliment that feels maybe a little bigger or more than I think I deserve, it's a lot harder to accept.

I don't think you're alone there, many people feel uncomfortable accepting compliments. It sounds like you have gotten to a place where you can take them in when they resonate, which is wonderful, but for all kinds of reasons, people aren't great at this. Some of us worry that if we accept a compliment, we'll come across as conceded. Some of us didn't receive a lot of validation and praise growing up, so we don't know how to take in people's kind words. And for many people, our internal voice is so harsh and critical that when people compliment us, it doesn't resonate or it feels like they're not being genuine. The thing is though, a compliment is a gift. And by accepting it, we give ourselves a chance to shift the way we feel about ourselves. What do you think about this and how have you seen this show up in your clinical work or in your personal life?

This is definitely something that's come up a lot, both personally and professionally. And my dad used to say things like this, where it was, if someone's trying to give you this kind of gift, every time we rebuff it or reject it or throw it back on them, it's almost like we're rejecting what they're trying to give us. And that changes the dynamic, it changes your relationship, or it can at least. And I think it's something that comes up a lot in clinical practices because we try to practice these things in real-time and see how it lands for someone and why and where it comes from. So it definitely resonates.

Have you seen this where you maybe try to reflect something compassionate or empathetic or positive to a patient and they have trouble taking it in from you?

Yes, definitely. So it's usually responded with giggles or sometimes frustration or sarcasm. Those are the three top ones I've seen.

I've experienced that too. Well, today I want to share a six step process for accepting a compliment. And then at the end, I'll share a pushup to practice and we can do that together. And if you're cool with it, I would love to give you a compliment, Karin, so that you can practice that pushup.

Sounds good.

Okay. So step one for accepting a compliment is don't refute it. When someone pays you a compliment, try not to reply with why they're wrong. Someone comes up to me and says, great presentation. I shouldn't say no, it wasn't. I messed up five times, because I've just essentially told them that their compliment is incorrect. That's step one, don't refute it. Step two is, don't throw a compliment right back. This is one of the ways that we avoid the discomfort of getting a compliment. We immediately compliment the person back. So someone says, wow, I really like your outfit. And you say, I really like your outfit before you've even had a chance to feel what it was that they said to you. This is like opening a gift. And before even acknowledging what's inside, shoving your own gift into the other person's arms. So step two is don't throw a compliment right back.

Step three is pause and let the compliment land on you physically and emotionally. Really allow yourself to feel it, take a mindful breath and imagine the person's kind words are flowing in and finding a place to settle. I had a friend who was really good at this, I would say, "Hey, you're such a great dad. I love seeing photos of you with your son. It's so clear that you are showing up for him in a profound way," and he'd go like this, he'd go, "Thank you."

Aww.

Which sounded silly, but I could really feel that he was taking in what I was saying and letting himself feel it. And it made me feel great as the compliment giver, and it probably made him feel great because he actually let himself have the compliment. So, that step three is letting it land on you. Step four is express gratitude, a simple thank you, or that means a lot to me is all the verbal acknowledgement you really need. Step five, if you're feeling brave, is to ask for more information to understand the compliment better. If someone were to give you negative feedback, you would probably ask for examples, or you'd ask questions to understand better. But for some reason, when people give us positive feedback, we feel like we have to just be quiet and take what we can get. But I also think it's okay to ask more questions. So if someone says, you're a great boss, you might say, thank you so much. Would you be willing to share more about what it feels like I'm doing well to support the team? So that's step five, is ask for more information.

And then finally step six is to write down or screenshot the compliment and add it to a folder, at Coa we call this folder the self-esteem file, we've also heard it referred to as the win bin, or a thank bank. But the point is that you will eventually have a folder full of all of the compliments and praise you've received. And you can go through that folder when you're feeling down. The idea here is that we shouldn't cheat ourselves out of these important moments. You are worthy of people's kind words. So, Karin, what do you think about this process? What do you imagine might be one of the tougher steps to do? What has it been like for you to try to practice this?

Yeah, I think that it's definitely a process and it doesn't matter how much training as a therapist you go through, or how much you speak to other people about that. It's something that a lot of us are still working on. I definitely think the part that would be most difficult is probably asking for more information just because you're right, even with negative feedback, we're trying to find out what we did better, what we could do differently, or what could have gone, I don't know, 10% in a different direction. And with positive compliments, it almost feels like asking for that specificity is not arrogant, but greedy. Like someone's already giving me a gift, and here I am asking for more gifts. And I know that, that's not what it is. That's just the piece that I imagine would be the hardest for me to really lean into, and which probably means that it could use some practice.

That was so well put. And I bet a lot of people are nodding along agreeing with you. Though the way I think about is less that it's like, someone gives you a gift and you ask for more gifts, I'd say, it's more like someone gives you a gift and you say, wow, where did you get this? What did you think I would love about this? It sounds like this reminds you of me. Why is that? It's more understanding the gift versus asking for more, if that makes sense.

Yeah. I really like that reframe.

So let's talk about this pushup. What I want everyone listening into practice today is to accept a compliment. You can do this with any willing partner who you trust, a romantic partner or a colleague or a friend. You might go to that person and say something like, Hey, I'm working on my emotional fitness. And today's exercise is to practice taking in a compliment. Would you be willing to tell me one thing you enjoy about me? I know that might sound daunting, but the truth is they'll probably be happy to do it. If someone you loved asked you that I bet you would enjoy getting to think of something that you really like about that person. And then once they give you your compliment, practice the steps we went through, let the compliment land on you, feel its weight and the care that it represents. Say thank you and resist the urge to compliment them right back. If you're feeling brave, ask for more. So Karin, are you down to practice this with me? It would be an honor to give you a compliment.

That's sweet. I am definitely down and a little nervous. Not going to lie, but that's what pushups are all about.

Just a little bit of discomfort is right where we want to be.

Exactly.

So as a reminder, don't refute it, don't throw a compliment right back, pause and let it land on you physically and emotionally, express gratitude. If you're feeling brave, ask for more information. And then write it down and add it to your self-esteem file. All right. So Karin, I just wanted you to know that I have felt you to be one of the most thoughtful and considerate people that I have had the joy of having in my life lately. I've really felt how much you take time to consider what other people might be experiencing or going through when you make your choices. And that you're really willing to show up for other people in all kinds of thoughtful ways.

I'm letting it wash over, I'm pouting if you can't see. Thank you.

Pouting in a good way?

Yeah, that's so nice. Thank you.

Do I detect that it's a little uncomfortable to hear.

Yes, just a smidge as they often are, but I do want to lean into that discomfort and challenge myself and ask you if there's any specific instance that comes to mind so I can really understand where this is coming from.

Yeah. One of the things that comes to mind is how often you are an advocate for marginalized communities within company culture, where you make sure to be a voice for people who might not want to feel the burden of having to be the voice for themselves and their communities all the time. And I've been really inspired by the way that you look out for people, that you advocate for people, that you're thoughtful about things like privilege and about things that a lot of people go through their life without having an eye on at all. And it's been really an inspiration to me to think about within the culture of our team and just the greater world in general, what it looks like to be an ally and an advocate for other people.

Oh, thank you so much. That's so nice to hear.

So how did that feel?

Both awkward and great at the same time. And it's something that I really want to commit to memory. So writing it down in my very own self-esteem file, which I have as a little notebook on my desk.

Fantastic. I think awkward plus good is the cocktail that many people feel around compliments. So I appreciate you putting words to that. And I am excited to hear how it feels as other compliments come your way. And I really appreciate you flexing your feels and breaking an emotional sweat with me today.

Thanks for having me. It was fun.

Thanks so much, Karin. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening to Emotionally Fit, hosted by me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. New pushups drop every Monday and Thursday. Did you do today's pushup alongside me and my guest? Tweet your experience with the hashtag emotionally fit and follow me at Dr. Emily Anhalt.

Please rate, review, follow, and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts. This podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health, where you can take live therapist led classes online. From group sessions to therapist matchmaking, Coa will help you build your emotional fitness routine. Head to join coa.com, that's join C-O-A.com, to learn more and follow us on Twitter and Instagram at join Coa. From StudioPod Media in San Francisco, our producer is Katie Sunku Wood, music is by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew.