In this episode of Saddle Up Live, host Lesa Koski interviews relationship expert Laurie Gerber about maintaining intimacy and connection in long-term marriages. Laurie, who has been featured on shows like Dr. Phil and MTV, shares her personal journey of realizing the importance of communication and intimacy in her own marriage after almost facing divorce. She discusses the importance of addressing underlying issues, writing down relationship dreams, and seeking professional guidance. The conversation also touches on the challenges of balancing career, family, and personal relationships, and offers actionable advice for couples looking to reignite their marital spark.

00:00 Welcome to Saddle Up Live

00:19 Introducing Relationship Expert Lori Gerber

01:06 Lori's Journey to Relationship Coaching

02:03 The Turning Point in Lori's Marriage

04:06 The Importance of Communication

10:19 Writing Your Relationship Dream

11:46 Personal Accountability and Self-Improvement

15:19 Balancing Marriage and Personal Life

21:21 Concluding Thoughts and Contact Information

Laurie Gerber is an expert in the field of life and relationship coaching with over 20 years of experience coaching thousands of individuals and couples. 

For more of Laurie's dating resources check out her FREE webinar:

 "3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love without Repeated Disappointments"

Learn:

✓How to be Ready to Date Like You Mean It in 30 Days or Less

✓The #1 Ingredient to Finding A Suitable Companion without Repeated Disappointment

✓Essential Elements to Effective Communication even about the Most Awkward Topics

✓PLUS: The Key to Finding Your Soulmate in Way Less Dates!

REGISTER HERE: www.lauriegerber.com/webinar

lauriegerbercoach@gmail.com www.lauriegerber.com 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/lauriegerber/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/loveasaverb

https://www.instagram.com/lauriegerber_coach/?hl=en

Find Lesa at Saddleuplive.com

@Saddleuplive

Welcome listeners to Saddle Up Live.

2

I'm so excited today.

3

I have kind of a big deal here.

4

I said I was a little starstruck, but

I've gotten to talk to her on my other

5

podcast, doing divorce different.

6

So if any of you are wanting to hear more

about dating after divorce, go there.

7

But today I have relationship expert,

Lori Gerber here, and we are going to

8

talk about how to keep that fire burning.

9

I've been in a 32 year marriage.

10

Lori's been in one almost as

long and people, she is good.

11

She's been on Dr.

12

Phil.

13

She's been on TV and MTV.

14

I think she said A and E and

she's got a wealth of knowledge.

15

So.

16

Lori, thank you for

being here and welcome.

17

Thank you for having me.

18

You're such a fun chat.

19

I would talk to you all day.

20

Well, we could, I mean, I feel

like there are so many topics, but

21

today is particularly, Special to

me because I want to keep the fire

22

burning in my own marriage, you

know, and I think a lot of people do.

23

And so before we really delve

into that, I want to hear your

24

story about what led you here.

25

Um, and then I really want to get into

it because I think I had a realization

26

probably a year or two ago and my

kid now there, I have grandchildren

27

and you know, my, my baby's in

college and I had this realization.

28

That I didn't put my husband first.

29

You know, I put my kids first and

then I, my business was first.

30

And then suddenly I was like,

wait a minute, what am I doing?

31

And so that's why I think this

is going to be so important.

32

And I don't think that I'm alone

in women, my age doing that.

33

So anyway, Lori, welcome.

34

Thank you for being here.

35

Great to be here.

36

Thank you.

37

Love.

38

So watch it so near and dear to my heart.

39

Yes.

40

And so can you share your story as

to what led you to do this work?

41

Okay.

42

Let's go back to my young

thirties, about 20 years ago,

43

I hire a coach to help

me with my business.

44

I'm like you, I love my children and

I love my business and my husband.

45

We'll see.

46

Okay.

47

I, I go to this coach and I ostensibly

want to, you know, increase my business

48

and get better work life balance.

49

And she.

50

encourages me, nay, requires of me

that I must answer questions in every

51

single area of my life because she is

assessing a whole person as not, no

52

parts of a person can be separated.

53

And so I have to say my dream in all

of the areas of my life, including

54

love, including body, including health,

including fun, spirituality, uh,

55

you know, career, money, everything.

56

And then I have to say a current rating.

57

And lo and behold, she notices that I

have said that my dream for my marriage is

58

that we be deeply connected and intimate,

and my rating is about a four, I think.

59

I don't totally remember, but that's

my guess, remembering how it was

60

back then, which was not good.

61

We had two young kids, now

we have three, Big kids.

62

But at the time we had two young

kids and a really good on paper life.

63

We were both working for ourselves.

64

We had an apartment in Manhattan, you

know, my business was ostensibly growing

65

and I, he was handsome and kind and you

know, all, all the things that you'd

66

want and everybody would have said,

you know, luckiest girl in the world.

67

But.

68

I knew the truth, which was

that we were not communicating.

69

We were not intimate.

70

We were not having sex.

71

And we were starting to argue

more and more and more and more.

72

In fact, at one point, he said,

if you're going to treat me

73

like this, I want a divorce.

74

And that is kind of what actually made

me pay attention for the first time.

75

And that's after, you know, 10 years of it

kind of slowly, you know, going downhill.

76

So my coach warns me if I don't save

my marriage, it's going to really mess

77

up all the other areas of my life.

78

I'm not, I cannot deny that.

79

That sounds true to me.

80

So I go, Oh, what do I do?

81

She goes, well, tell me why you

don't have that intimate connection.

82

And I say, smart Alec that I am, I don't

think he cares much about intimacy.

83

And I, uh, he's kind of like a jock.

84

I don't think he likes

talking about real matters.

85

Right.

86

I'm, I married a cute jock, right,

is my, and she's like, that is no,

87

I mean, first of all, she knew my

husband and second of all, she was

88

like, I've heard this BS before.

89

No, no, no, no, no, that is not an answer.

90

And do really not have anything better.

91

And I'm like, I've tried.

92

I had all my excuses.

93

And she goes, okay, here's

what you're going to do.

94

You're going to go back.

95

You're going to sit him down.

96

You're going to make it so safe.

97

And you're going to read him the dream.

98

that you wrote and you're going to ask

him why he thinks you don't have it.

99

Why would I have never thought of that?

100

Never occurred to me.

101

Okay.

102

So she thought of it.

103

Thank God for coaches.

104

Okay.

105

So I sit him down.

106

You read this dream.

107

I'm feeling very vulnerable, but

I'm like going to be a good student

108

and get my homework done and

bring an answer back to the coach.

109

And at first he does not

want to tell me the answer.

110

He's like, we're fine.

111

It's going to be okay.

112

You know, he's just men

like to say that, right?

113

Yeah, they really do.

114

Yeah, a lot of the time.

115

Yes, but I am not going back

empty handed to my coach.

116

And I know we are not going

in a good direction because

117

I've heard him say the D word.

118

And so I somehow made

it safe enough for him.

119

I don't know what I said, but I said

and I was desperate because I was

120

not going to go back empty handed.

121

Cause I am a good student.

122

And I said, please just tell me,

I promise I will not get mad.

123

I promise I will listen.

124

I promise you won't be in trouble.

125

I just really need to

know your perspective.

126

Okay.

127

And he took a deep breath and a risk and

he goes, okay, Laura, here's the thing.

128

My experience with you is that whenever

I try to talk to you, I barely get three

129

sentences in before you interrupt me.

130

And I get it.

131

That works for you and

your friends and whatever.

132

But for me, it is like a physical assault.

133

I cannot get my train of thinking back.

134

I feel so disrespected.

135

It's not even on topic.

136

Most of the time It's about

if you make it about you.

137

I stopped trying to talk to you years ago

138

exactly so I uh, I was speechless right I

was like What I wrote in my homework But

139

thank you, you know, and I I was cool I

was really proud of myself because I knew

140

that was a moment of truth and in that

moment of truth My life passed before my

141

eyes, you know It was one of those moments

where I was like, oh my brother said I

142

was selfish and I've been called selfish

before and I do interrupt a lot and you

143

know, and I wanted to defend myself.

144

I felt that you know, that urge

arise to be like, well, you talk

145

so slow and I'm helping and I

know what you're going to say.

146

And you know, I don't feel like, you

know, the excuse list is so long, but I

147

knew I had this choice in that moment.

148

And then, and then what flashed

in front of me was, I said, love,

149

honor, and cherish till death do us

part in front of everyone I know.

150

And I never listened to a

whole thing he had to say.

151

Like I couldn't argue.

152

He was right.

153

I was, I never, I never sat

still and listened to the

154

whole thing, whatever it was.

155

And that was not love, honor, and cherish.

156

And so I was embarrassed.

157

I was humbled.

158

I was moved.

159

I was motivated.

160

And I made a promise to him in that

moment, which I knew from my coaching

161

would be the right thing to do.

162

I said, I will not interrupt you anymore.

163

You're right.

164

I'm sorry.

165

I meant it.

166

And I meant it for the first

time, you know, I think it's so

167

telling that you're saying this.

168

I think I just interrupted you, Lori.

169

Sorry.

170

Actually, I don't, I don't think

it's a moral thing, honestly.

171

But it's interesting because when

you said that a light bulb went

172

off in my head and I think I'm like

you, I don't know if that's common.

173

Well, let me just say as

women, we are biologically and

174

physiologically able to multitask.

175

We are able to think our own thoughts

and listen to another person.

176

We are able to talk over each

other and hear, I mean, we just

177

have different brains than men.

178

Men are biologically programmed to hunt a

deer where they're biologically programmed

179

to focus on one thing at a time.

180

So we're just so different and I

really don't mind being interrupted.

181

I, I don't, I can remember what I'm

thinking and listen to what you're saying.

182

And I believe I'm going

to get my point across.

183

Right.

184

So, but that is not how his brain works.

185

He is a jock.

186

He has a lot of concussions.

187

He's extremely intelligent, but

he was also raised by a minister.

188

So he speaks, he tells stories and the.

189

The moral of the story is at

the end, and I'm like, I want

190

the answer at the beginning!

191

So, we're so different, he and I.

192

And I, but I think a lot of women

are actually fine with that.

193

Interruptions and it's not all women,

but I think we are very different.

194

So I think this is a problem in a

lot of relationships, not just in a

195

conversation, the woman interrupts the

man, but also we interrupt physically.

196

Like we, I call it popcorning.

197

Like we just like, hi, hi,

can you do this for me?

198

Can you say number one,

I'm not customer service.

199

Number two, I'm leading

my own life over here.

200

Like I'm here existing as a human while

you're thinking of things for me to do.

201

Oh my gosh.

202

You're like, are you in my head?

203

Are you my soul sister?

204

Because I get up in the morning and I've

been like praying to get my stuff done,

205

and then I jump out of bed and I'm like,

Hey, we gotta like clean that horse

206

stop and he's like, uh, good morning.

207

Exactly.

208

Yes.

209

You're not, again, these are trends.

210

These are phenomena.

211

This is not just you and me.

212

I've heard this over and over.

213

They're not a lot of new complaints

under the sun in married couples.

214

Yeah.

215

Okay.

216

So are you kind of saying that

the first thing is to get your

217

husband's take on the relationship?

218

Is that kind of that really,

that's really just my story, right?

219

But I would say write a dream, right?

220

Like write it, write a dream.

221

Okay.

222

Programmed your GPS to where you want to

go and you've told the truth to yourself

223

about what you want And if you can't

write a dream, this is interesting, right?

224

If you can't write a dream It's probably

because there's so much crap built up that

225

you have not expressed effectively And

vice versa that you can't dream anymore.

226

You're you're so riddled.

227

You can't dream anymore in that case right

what I call a purge which is vomit that

228

out for the coach or therapist that you're

going to be working with because You

229

need to take that piece by piece and for

most people in long term relationships.

230

There are 10 to 30 things on that list

10 to 30 things, including that thing

231

you said to my sister, that thing that

happened at our wedding, the thing I

232

never told you, the way you smell, kiss.

233

Chew, breathe, you know, just the

list is usually, unfortunately,

234

10 to 30 things long.

235

So if you can start with a

dream, start with a dream.

236

If you can't start with a

dream, start with a shit list.

237

And don't share the shit

list with him, I'm guessing,

238

for your, for your good intuition.

239

Correct.

240

Okay.

241

Okay.

242

So then after you write your dream.

243

You rate how close you are

to it between one and 10.

244

Is that correct?

245

Correct.

246

And why not?

247

Which then turns into

your shit list, right?

248

And you might have to sit

on yourself too, right?

249

Which is why I would say, interestingly,

which is why I would say it's not

250

always the right next thing to do

to go to your partner, because one

251

of the things I discovered in doing

that first exercise with my coach is.

252

I was completely addicted to sugar.

253

I was completely in

love with checking out.

254

So any time I would have had after

my work day and dealing with my kids

255

went to eating and zoning out to

television instead of to my intimate

256

partner who I, but I would love honor

and cherish till death do us part.

257

So I don't know if anyone can

relate to that, but I had to

258

get right with my own self.

259

First really yes Simultaneously in this

case to me approaching him because until

260

I quit sugar and I still I eat sugar

But at the time I needed to really detox

261

it until I quit sugar to understand its

role in my life and I quit eating to

262

anesthetize myself and and keep myself

away and I could not access the part

263

of me that wanted to have sex or that

wanted to be intimate or that way again.

264

So there's really not one path

that fits everybody's situation.

265

That was my, well, and I think to what

I've learned through going through

266

really difficult things and it's

interesting that you're bringing this up.

267

I, and I think we're very similar.

268

I have learned about five

things you need to do.

269

You know, when you're going through

a hard time and one of them is that

270

community, I have my God that I rely on.

271

Um, and, and one of those is eating

well and I don't do sugar either.

272

And another thing that I could fall prey

to, and this has sugar in it is wine.

273

Yes.

274

Give me a glass of wine.

275

Very popular treatment for bad marriage.

276

Yes.

277

And I think recently.

278

I haven't had any wine and I've been

so focused on eating well and starting

279

to live my best life and going through

really hard things in a different way.

280

Yes.

281

Um, which is amazing.

282

And I just so recommend it for everyone.

283

And it took me, I swear it.

284

I mean, I know they say 30 days.

285

I think it took me six months ago.

286

Wow.

287

I haven't had wine and I don't want it.

288

You know, or whatever it is.

289

Yeah, very inspiring

to a lot of listeners.

290

I'm sure really just because we

think we need certain things.

291

I think I thought I needed that sugar.

292

I thought I needed those carbs.

293

I, I thought I needed it.

294

And it turns out what I needed was

actual intimacy and connection and bodily

295

contact, which I had completely forsaken.

296

Yes.

297

Interesting.

298

So interesting.

299

So now I feel breastfeeding

is actually not enough.

300

Yeah, it kind of hurts

sometimes, even right.

301

Well, and you know how, as when you're

a mom in the throes of it, I mean, you

302

do kind of feel like I am so darn tired.

303

I'll leave me alone.

304

I don't need anyone.

305

And then, but it's funny, Lori,

because it doesn't end that

306

because then the kids are.

307

You know, then you're working more, your

kids are in high school, you're racing

308

around to sporting events, then they

go to college and you got a grandkid

309

popping out over here that you're running.

310

You're never not tired.

311

Right.

312

The excuse.

313

If you're a person who likes

to be busy, that excuse is B.

314

S.

315

and it always will be.

316

Yes.

317

And and it always is, honestly.

318

It always is.

319

And, and the way my coach, you know,

pointed that out to me and the way I

320

would point it as anyone who's listening

is if you have time for a glass of

321

wine, if you have time for any sort of

streaming service, if you, If you are

322

making time for social media scrolling,

you have time to revitalize your marriage.

323

Period.

324

End of story.

325

Do not argue with me.

326

That is a fact.

327

Well, and I have to say too,

Lori, I love your coach.

328

Because she pointed out, not

all coaches would do this.

329

They would jump into your

career and getting that

330

because that's what you wanted.

331

Right.

332

But she told you your marriage.

333

I mean.

334

So that took away my sugar.

335

Sorry.

336

I know coaches are so good at

that, taking away that sugar.

337

Uh, but I will tell you when you have

dark chocolate, that's not sweet.

338

And boy, that kind of feels a

good little urge in there too.

339

There are many workarounds, my loves.

340

I know.

341

I love it.

342

There's lots of things I enjoy, uh,

that don't have to be sugar, but I

343

love that she said that because, I

mean, let's face it, that is your core.

344

That is.

345

That's your stability.

346

That's your light.

347

Like, why would you not?

348

Put everything into that.

349

Instead, we keep going everywhere

else thinking it's just there.

350

Why would you not is there's

a simple answer to that.

351

And we call it the chicken and the brat.

352

So why, why would you not is fear, right?

353

I was afraid of intimacy.

354

I'll admit it.

355

And I didn't fricking want to, right.

356

I liked my donuts and bagels.

357

And yes, right.

358

I just didn't act.

359

So the brat and the chicken were

worthy opponents until I had a coach.

360

They won Every time they want

every inner argument until I had a

361

coach yelling a better idea, right?

362

Right that you ended up believing.

363

Okay.

364

Now I just have to ask you this.

365

You had said you had a fear of intimacy.

366

Tell me about that.

367

If you don't mind.

368

Yeah.

369

Well, that's, I feel like that's a whole

other podcast, but at the end of the

370

day, I just preferred to get my sensual

needs met through food and maybe cuddling

371

with my kid than Because opening myself

up to my husband would have meant.

372

learning how to have sex again,

learning how to make it feel good,

373

actually being present in my body.

374

It's just, it's just harder for me.

375

Right.

376

I know.

377

I get that.

378

I get that.

379

Of, I think my lineage and

my, my personal history.

380

And again, I, I could, I could connect

some dots, but I think at the end of the

381

day, there was a certain point where I was

like, I'll use my body to, Find a husband

382

and keep a husband, but I never thought

my body could be a place for sensual or

383

sexual pleasure Like I just never even

right I just bring you closer to someone

384

Yeah I just never even opened that can

of worms because it just feels safer and

385

more comfortable to do what I know which

is push Myself at work be a good mom.

386

Huh take care of my kids keep this

marriage on track like a business, you

387

know Yeah And it just was a whole realm.

388

I had not, it was the unknown.

389

It was okay.

390

And again, I'm with you.

391

Are most women, I mean, am I just like

matching you or is this like Pretty

392

popular and it goes back to what I what I

was saying on the other podcast if anybody

393

has watched that one or listened to that

one We oftentimes people sell out to make

394

a family right people do not Intimacy

and connection do not explore their

395

sexuality, especially at our age Right.

396

It wasn't exactly in vogue quite yet.

397

We weren't totally liberated.

398

Right.

399

And so we really could have gotten into

a relationship, hooked that, you know,

400

partner, had those kids been extremely

busy with career and kids, which by

401

the way, this is the first few decades

where that's even a thing, right?

402

They're like, this is new to

do and kids and keep a husband.

403

Like that is so new.

404

We don't know shit about it.

405

And so it really is very possible

that A whole gaggle of gals really

406

have missed this opportunity, right?

407

Unless somebody turned

them on to it, right?

408

Unless they had a super hippie mom

or they took a course with them or

409

they have a girlfriend down the block

that, you know, is a sex worker.

410

I was like, yeah, there's, there's all

kinds of possibilities, but it does seem

411

like it's the exception, not the norm.

412

Yeah.

413

It's figured out how to

actually enjoy her body.

414

Right.

415

Have a fun physical

relationship with their partner.

416

Yeah.

417

And I don't know if this is on those

lines, but what kind of opened my

418

eyes to it, I have this darling

friend and You know, she has a

419

kiddo going up to, to college.

420

And I said, Oh, how are you doing?

421

You know, that's hard.

422

I mean, that just killed me every time

someone went to college and, you know,

423

she said, Oh, she goes, my hubby and I,

he's always been my number one, you know?

424

And I like listened to her and

she was like, I'll be fine.

425

And.

426

And I was like, wow,

she's so, she's awesome.

427

I mean, there's so many other little

lessons that she's given me, but

428

that's where I kind of went, huh?

429

Do you know, there was a New

York times article, I think.

430

About 15 or 20 years ago.

431

And it really made a splash at the time.

432

I don't know if you remember this, but it

really, it was someone saying, Hey ladies,

433

why don't you put your husband first?

434

Not the kids.

435

And it was like, wait, what?

436

I thought we were supposed

to put the kids first.

437

Yes.

438

Do you, you know, the pendulum.

439

Swings.

440

Um, I personally think you can do both.

441

I really do.

442

Uh, so that's my great hope, but I really,

I remember hearing that and reading

443

that and thinking, she's got a point.

444

Yeah.

445

Right.

446

Like we're not saving for long term,

it's like not saving for retirement.

447

Like what, what are you doing?

448

It's not that bright.

449

No, no.

450

And so that was really eyeopening.

451

So that I hope this has gone, this

has flown by, but Lori, what I

452

hope women can get out of this.

453

is how important your marriage is.

454

It is the thing, it is your,

what you have to stand on.

455

And I know I always love when someone's

going through a divorce and I want

456

them to kind of try, you know, are

you sure you don't want to stay

457

married and work a little harder?

458

I always tell them to work on themselves.

459

It seems like if you kind of start

there, like you said, with that dream

460

and then invite the other person

in to help you discover things.

461

I think that's a really good start.

462

I agree.

463

So listeners, if you want to get

ahold of Lori, we'll have all your

464

information in the show notes.

465

Um, what's the best way for them to

reach out just to go to your website and.

466

Yeah.

467

And you have to dig around the website

is geared towards daters, but if

468

you dig around into my offerings,

you will see that the actually the

469

relationship retreat work is there.

470

The couples.

471

Work is there and the private

coaching work is there too.

472

So just Dig around on the website till

you find what you need Well, and i'm

473

gonna dig around on your website And

then I want to have you back because

474

I love everything you're sharing

and I so appreciate you being here.

475

Lori.

476

Thank you You are so welcome.

477

You take yeah, take good care