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Reignite the Spark: Secrets to Lasting Love with Laurie Gerber
Episode 201st October 2024 • Saddle Up Live Podcast • Lesa Koski
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In this episode of Saddle Up Live, host Lesa Koski interviews relationship expert Laurie Gerber about maintaining intimacy and connection in long-term marriages. Laurie, who has been featured on shows like Dr. Phil and MTV, shares her personal journey of realizing the importance of communication and intimacy in her own marriage after almost facing divorce. She discusses the importance of addressing underlying issues, writing down relationship dreams, and seeking professional guidance. The conversation also touches on the challenges of balancing career, family, and personal relationships, and offers actionable advice for couples looking to reignite their marital spark.

00:00 Welcome to Saddle Up Live

00:19 Introducing Relationship Expert Lori Gerber

01:06 Lori's Journey to Relationship Coaching

02:03 The Turning Point in Lori's Marriage

04:06 The Importance of Communication

10:19 Writing Your Relationship Dream

11:46 Personal Accountability and Self-Improvement

15:19 Balancing Marriage and Personal Life

21:21 Concluding Thoughts and Contact Information

Laurie Gerber is an expert in the field of life and relationship coaching with over 20 years of experience coaching thousands of individuals and couples. 

For more of Laurie's dating resources check out her FREE webinar:

 "3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love without Repeated Disappointments"


Learn:

How to be Ready to Date Like You Mean It in 30 Days or Less
The #1 Ingredient to Finding A Suitable Companion without Repeated Disappointment
Essential Elements to Effective Communication even about the Most Awkward Topics
PLUS: The Key to Finding Your Soulmate in Way Less Dates!


REGISTER HERE: www.lauriegerber.com/webinar



lauriegerbercoach@gmail.com www.lauriegerber.com 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/lauriegerber/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/loveasaverb

https://www.instagram.com/lauriegerber_coach/?hl=en

Find Lesa at Saddleuplive.com

@Saddleuplive

Transcripts

Speaker:

Welcome listeners to Saddle Up Live.

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I'm so excited today.

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I have kind of a big deal here.

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I said I was a little starstruck, but

I've gotten to talk to her on my other

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podcast, doing divorce different.

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So if any of you are wanting to hear more

about dating after divorce, go there.

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But today I have relationship expert,

Lori Gerber here, and we are going to

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talk about how to keep that fire burning.

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I've been in a 32 year marriage.

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Lori's been in one almost as

long and people, she is good.

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She's been on Dr.

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Phil.

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She's been on TV and MTV.

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I think she said A and E and

she's got a wealth of knowledge.

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So.

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Lori, thank you for

being here and welcome.

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Thank you for having me.

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You're such a fun chat.

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I would talk to you all day.

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Well, we could, I mean, I feel

like there are so many topics, but

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today is particularly, Special to

me because I want to keep the fire

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burning in my own marriage, you

know, and I think a lot of people do.

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And so before we really delve

into that, I want to hear your

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story about what led you here.

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Um, and then I really want to get into

it because I think I had a realization

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probably a year or two ago and my

kid now there, I have grandchildren

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and you know, my, my baby's in

college and I had this realization.

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That I didn't put my husband first.

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You know, I put my kids first and

then I, my business was first.

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And then suddenly I was like,

wait a minute, what am I doing?

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And so that's why I think this

is going to be so important.

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And I don't think that I'm alone

in women, my age doing that.

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So anyway, Lori, welcome.

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Thank you for being here.

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Great to be here.

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Thank you.

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Love.

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So watch it so near and dear to my heart.

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Yes.

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And so can you share your story as

to what led you to do this work?

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Okay.

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Let's go back to my young

thirties, about 20 years ago,

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I hire a coach to help

me with my business.

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I'm like you, I love my children and

I love my business and my husband.

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We'll see.

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Okay.

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I, I go to this coach and I ostensibly

want to, you know, increase my business

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and get better work life balance.

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And she.

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encourages me, nay, requires of me

that I must answer questions in every

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single area of my life because she is

assessing a whole person as not, no

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parts of a person can be separated.

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And so I have to say my dream in all

of the areas of my life, including

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love, including body, including health,

including fun, spirituality, uh,

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you know, career, money, everything.

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And then I have to say a current rating.

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And lo and behold, she notices that I

have said that my dream for my marriage is

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that we be deeply connected and intimate,

and my rating is about a four, I think.

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I don't totally remember, but that's

my guess, remembering how it was

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back then, which was not good.

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We had two young kids, now

we have three, Big kids.

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But at the time we had two young

kids and a really good on paper life.

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We were both working for ourselves.

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We had an apartment in Manhattan, you

know, my business was ostensibly growing

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and I, he was handsome and kind and you

know, all, all the things that you'd

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want and everybody would have said,

you know, luckiest girl in the world.

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But.

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I knew the truth, which was

that we were not communicating.

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We were not intimate.

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We were not having sex.

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And we were starting to argue

more and more and more and more.

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In fact, at one point, he said,

if you're going to treat me

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like this, I want a divorce.

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And that is kind of what actually made

me pay attention for the first time.

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And that's after, you know, 10 years of it

kind of slowly, you know, going downhill.

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So my coach warns me if I don't save

my marriage, it's going to really mess

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up all the other areas of my life.

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I'm not, I cannot deny that.

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That sounds true to me.

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So I go, Oh, what do I do?

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She goes, well, tell me why you

don't have that intimate connection.

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And I say, smart Alec that I am, I don't

think he cares much about intimacy.

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And I, uh, he's kind of like a jock.

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I don't think he likes

talking about real matters.

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Right.

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I'm, I married a cute jock, right,

is my, and she's like, that is no,

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I mean, first of all, she knew my

husband and second of all, she was

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like, I've heard this BS before.

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No, no, no, no, no, that is not an answer.

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And do really not have anything better.

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And I'm like, I've tried.

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I had all my excuses.

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And she goes, okay, here's

what you're going to do.

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You're going to go back.

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You're going to sit him down.

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You're going to make it so safe.

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And you're going to read him the dream.

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that you wrote and you're going to ask

him why he thinks you don't have it.

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Why would I have never thought of that?

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Never occurred to me.

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Okay.

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So she thought of it.

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Thank God for coaches.

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Okay.

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So I sit him down.

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You read this dream.

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I'm feeling very vulnerable, but

I'm like going to be a good student

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and get my homework done and

bring an answer back to the coach.

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And at first he does not

want to tell me the answer.

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He's like, we're fine.

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It's going to be okay.

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You know, he's just men

like to say that, right?

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Yeah, they really do.

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Yeah, a lot of the time.

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Yes, but I am not going back

empty handed to my coach.

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And I know we are not going

in a good direction because

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I've heard him say the D word.

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And so I somehow made

it safe enough for him.

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I don't know what I said, but I said

and I was desperate because I was

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not going to go back empty handed.

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Cause I am a good student.

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And I said, please just tell me,

I promise I will not get mad.

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I promise I will listen.

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I promise you won't be in trouble.

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I just really need to

know your perspective.

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Okay.

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And he took a deep breath and a risk and

he goes, okay, Laura, here's the thing.

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My experience with you is that whenever

I try to talk to you, I barely get three

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sentences in before you interrupt me.

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And I get it.

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That works for you and

your friends and whatever.

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But for me, it is like a physical assault.

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I cannot get my train of thinking back.

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I feel so disrespected.

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It's not even on topic.

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Most of the time It's about

if you make it about you.

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I stopped trying to talk to you years ago

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exactly so I uh, I was speechless right I

was like What I wrote in my homework But

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thank you, you know, and I I was cool I

was really proud of myself because I knew

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that was a moment of truth and in that

moment of truth My life passed before my

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eyes, you know It was one of those moments

where I was like, oh my brother said I

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was selfish and I've been called selfish

before and I do interrupt a lot and you

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know, and I wanted to defend myself.

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I felt that you know, that urge

arise to be like, well, you talk

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so slow and I'm helping and I

know what you're going to say.

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And you know, I don't feel like, you

know, the excuse list is so long, but I

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knew I had this choice in that moment.

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And then, and then what flashed

in front of me was, I said, love,

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honor, and cherish till death do us

part in front of everyone I know.

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And I never listened to a

whole thing he had to say.

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Like I couldn't argue.

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He was right.

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I was, I never, I never sat

still and listened to the

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whole thing, whatever it was.

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And that was not love, honor, and cherish.

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And so I was embarrassed.

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I was humbled.

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I was moved.

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I was motivated.

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And I made a promise to him in that

moment, which I knew from my coaching

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would be the right thing to do.

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I said, I will not interrupt you anymore.

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You're right.

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I'm sorry.

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I meant it.

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And I meant it for the first

time, you know, I think it's so

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telling that you're saying this.

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I think I just interrupted you, Lori.

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Sorry.

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Actually, I don't, I don't think

it's a moral thing, honestly.

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But it's interesting because when

you said that a light bulb went

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off in my head and I think I'm like

you, I don't know if that's common.

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Well, let me just say as

women, we are biologically and

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physiologically able to multitask.

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We are able to think our own thoughts

and listen to another person.

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We are able to talk over each

other and hear, I mean, we just

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have different brains than men.

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Men are biologically programmed to hunt a

deer where they're biologically programmed

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to focus on one thing at a time.

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So we're just so different and I

really don't mind being interrupted.

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I, I don't, I can remember what I'm

thinking and listen to what you're saying.

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And I believe I'm going

to get my point across.

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Right.

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So, but that is not how his brain works.

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He is a jock.

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He has a lot of concussions.

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He's extremely intelligent, but

he was also raised by a minister.

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So he speaks, he tells stories and the.

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The moral of the story is at

the end, and I'm like, I want

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the answer at the beginning!

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So, we're so different, he and I.

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And I, but I think a lot of women

are actually fine with that.

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Interruptions and it's not all women,

but I think we are very different.

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So I think this is a problem in a

lot of relationships, not just in a

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conversation, the woman interrupts the

man, but also we interrupt physically.

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Like we, I call it popcorning.

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Like we just like, hi, hi,

can you do this for me?

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Can you say number one,

I'm not customer service.

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Number two, I'm leading

my own life over here.

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Like I'm here existing as a human while

you're thinking of things for me to do.

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Oh my gosh.

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You're like, are you in my head?

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Are you my soul sister?

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Because I get up in the morning and I've

been like praying to get my stuff done,

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and then I jump out of bed and I'm like,

Hey, we gotta like clean that horse

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stop and he's like, uh, good morning.

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Exactly.

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Yes.

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You're not, again, these are trends.

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These are phenomena.

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This is not just you and me.

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I've heard this over and over.

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They're not a lot of new complaints

under the sun in married couples.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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So are you kind of saying that

the first thing is to get your

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husband's take on the relationship?

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Is that kind of that really,

that's really just my story, right?

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But I would say write a dream, right?

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Like write it, write a dream.

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Okay.

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Programmed your GPS to where you want to

go and you've told the truth to yourself

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about what you want And if you can't

write a dream, this is interesting, right?

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If you can't write a dream It's probably

because there's so much crap built up that

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you have not expressed effectively And

vice versa that you can't dream anymore.

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You're you're so riddled.

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You can't dream anymore in that case right

what I call a purge which is vomit that

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out for the coach or therapist that you're

going to be working with because You

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need to take that piece by piece and for

most people in long term relationships.

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There are 10 to 30 things on that list

10 to 30 things, including that thing

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you said to my sister, that thing that

happened at our wedding, the thing I

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never told you, the way you smell, kiss.

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Chew, breathe, you know, just the

list is usually, unfortunately,

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10 to 30 things long.

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So if you can start with a

dream, start with a dream.

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If you can't start with a

dream, start with a shit list.

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And don't share the shit

list with him, I'm guessing,

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for your, for your good intuition.

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Correct.

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Okay.

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Okay.

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So then after you write your dream.

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You rate how close you are

to it between one and 10.

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Is that correct?

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Correct.

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And why not?

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Which then turns into

your shit list, right?

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And you might have to sit

on yourself too, right?

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Which is why I would say, interestingly,

which is why I would say it's not

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always the right next thing to do

to go to your partner, because one

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of the things I discovered in doing

that first exercise with my coach is.

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I was completely addicted to sugar.

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I was completely in

love with checking out.

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So any time I would have had after

my work day and dealing with my kids

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went to eating and zoning out to

television instead of to my intimate

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partner who I, but I would love honor

and cherish till death do us part.

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So I don't know if anyone can

relate to that, but I had to

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get right with my own self.

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First really yes Simultaneously in this

case to me approaching him because until

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I quit sugar and I still I eat sugar

But at the time I needed to really detox

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it until I quit sugar to understand its

role in my life and I quit eating to

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anesthetize myself and and keep myself

away and I could not access the part

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of me that wanted to have sex or that

wanted to be intimate or that way again.

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So there's really not one path

that fits everybody's situation.

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That was my, well, and I think to what

I've learned through going through

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really difficult things and it's

interesting that you're bringing this up.

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I, and I think we're very similar.

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I have learned about five

things you need to do.

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You know, when you're going through

a hard time and one of them is that

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community, I have my God that I rely on.

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Um, and, and one of those is eating

well and I don't do sugar either.

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And another thing that I could fall prey

to, and this has sugar in it is wine.

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Yes.

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Give me a glass of wine.

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Very popular treatment for bad marriage.

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Yes.

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And I think recently.

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I haven't had any wine and I've been

so focused on eating well and starting

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to live my best life and going through

really hard things in a different way.

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Yes.

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Um, which is amazing.

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And I just so recommend it for everyone.

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And it took me, I swear it.

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I mean, I know they say 30 days.

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I think it took me six months ago.

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Wow.

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I haven't had wine and I don't want it.

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You know, or whatever it is.

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Yeah, very inspiring

to a lot of listeners.

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I'm sure really just because we

think we need certain things.

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I think I thought I needed that sugar.

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I thought I needed those carbs.

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I, I thought I needed it.

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And it turns out what I needed was

actual intimacy and connection and bodily

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contact, which I had completely forsaken.

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Yes.

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Interesting.

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So interesting.

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So now I feel breastfeeding

is actually not enough.

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Yeah, it kind of hurts

sometimes, even right.

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Well, and you know how, as when you're

a mom in the throes of it, I mean, you

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do kind of feel like I am so darn tired.

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I'll leave me alone.

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I don't need anyone.

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And then, but it's funny, Lori,

because it doesn't end that

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because then the kids are.

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You know, then you're working more, your

kids are in high school, you're racing

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around to sporting events, then they

go to college and you got a grandkid

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popping out over here that you're running.

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You're never not tired.

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Right.

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The excuse.

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If you're a person who likes

to be busy, that excuse is B.

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S.

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and it always will be.

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Yes.

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And and it always is, honestly.

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It always is.

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And, and the way my coach, you know,

pointed that out to me and the way I

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would point it as anyone who's listening

is if you have time for a glass of

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wine, if you have time for any sort of

streaming service, if you, If you are

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making time for social media scrolling,

you have time to revitalize your marriage.

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Period.

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End of story.

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Do not argue with me.

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That is a fact.

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Well, and I have to say too,

Lori, I love your coach.

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Because she pointed out, not

all coaches would do this.

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They would jump into your

career and getting that

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because that's what you wanted.

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Right.

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But she told you your marriage.

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I mean.

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So that took away my sugar.

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Sorry.

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I know coaches are so good at

that, taking away that sugar.

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Uh, but I will tell you when you have

dark chocolate, that's not sweet.

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And boy, that kind of feels a

good little urge in there too.

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There are many workarounds, my loves.

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I know.

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I love it.

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There's lots of things I enjoy, uh,

that don't have to be sugar, but I

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love that she said that because, I

mean, let's face it, that is your core.

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That is.

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That's your stability.

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That's your light.

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Like, why would you not?

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Put everything into that.

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Instead, we keep going everywhere

else thinking it's just there.

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Why would you not is there's

a simple answer to that.

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And we call it the chicken and the brat.

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So why, why would you not is fear, right?

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I was afraid of intimacy.

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I'll admit it.

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And I didn't fricking want to, right.

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I liked my donuts and bagels.

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And yes, right.

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I just didn't act.

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So the brat and the chicken were

worthy opponents until I had a coach.

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They won Every time they want

every inner argument until I had a

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coach yelling a better idea, right?

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Right that you ended up believing.

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Okay.

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Now I just have to ask you this.

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You had said you had a fear of intimacy.

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Tell me about that.

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If you don't mind.

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Yeah.

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Well, that's, I feel like that's a whole

other podcast, but at the end of the

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day, I just preferred to get my sensual

needs met through food and maybe cuddling

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with my kid than Because opening myself

up to my husband would have meant.

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learning how to have sex again,

learning how to make it feel good,

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actually being present in my body.

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It's just, it's just harder for me.

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Right.

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I know.

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I get that.

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I get that.

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Of, I think my lineage and

my, my personal history.

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And again, I, I could, I could connect

some dots, but I think at the end of the

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day, there was a certain point where I was

like, I'll use my body to, Find a husband

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and keep a husband, but I never thought

my body could be a place for sensual or

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sexual pleasure Like I just never even

right I just bring you closer to someone

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Yeah I just never even opened that can

of worms because it just feels safer and

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more comfortable to do what I know which

is push Myself at work be a good mom.

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Huh take care of my kids keep this

marriage on track like a business, you

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know Yeah And it just was a whole realm.

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I had not, it was the unknown.

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It was okay.

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:

And again, I'm with you.

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Are most women, I mean, am I just like

matching you or is this like Pretty

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:

popular and it goes back to what I what I

was saying on the other podcast if anybody

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has watched that one or listened to that

one We oftentimes people sell out to make

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a family right people do not Intimacy

and connection do not explore their

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:

sexuality, especially at our age Right.

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:

It wasn't exactly in vogue quite yet.

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We weren't totally liberated.

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:

Right.

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And so we really could have gotten into

a relationship, hooked that, you know,

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:

partner, had those kids been extremely

busy with career and kids, which by

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:

the way, this is the first few decades

where that's even a thing, right?

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They're like, this is new to

do and kids and keep a husband.

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Like that is so new.

404

:

We don't know shit about it.

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And so it really is very possible

that A whole gaggle of gals really

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:

have missed this opportunity, right?

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Unless somebody turned

them on to it, right?

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Unless they had a super hippie mom

or they took a course with them or

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they have a girlfriend down the block

that, you know, is a sex worker.

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:

I was like, yeah, there's, there's all

kinds of possibilities, but it does seem

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:

like it's the exception, not the norm.

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:

Yeah.

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:

It's figured out how to

actually enjoy her body.

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:

Right.

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Have a fun physical

relationship with their partner.

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:

Yeah.

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:

And I don't know if this is on those

lines, but what kind of opened my

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eyes to it, I have this darling

friend and You know, she has a

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kiddo going up to, to college.

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And I said, Oh, how are you doing?

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:

You know, that's hard.

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:

I mean, that just killed me every time

someone went to college and, you know,

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:

she said, Oh, she goes, my hubby and I,

he's always been my number one, you know?

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:

And I like listened to her and

she was like, I'll be fine.

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:

And.

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And I was like, wow,

she's so, she's awesome.

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:

I mean, there's so many other little

lessons that she's given me, but

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:

that's where I kind of went, huh?

429

:

Do you know, there was a New

York times article, I think.

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:

About 15 or 20 years ago.

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:

And it really made a splash at the time.

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:

I don't know if you remember this, but it

really, it was someone saying, Hey ladies,

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why don't you put your husband first?

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:

Not the kids.

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:

And it was like, wait, what?

436

:

I thought we were supposed

to put the kids first.

437

:

Yes.

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:

Do you, you know, the pendulum.

439

:

Swings.

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:

Um, I personally think you can do both.

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:

I really do.

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:

Uh, so that's my great hope, but I really,

I remember hearing that and reading

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:

that and thinking, she's got a point.

444

:

Yeah.

445

:

Right.

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:

Like we're not saving for long term,

it's like not saving for retirement.

447

:

Like what, what are you doing?

448

:

It's not that bright.

449

:

No, no.

450

:

And so that was really eyeopening.

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:

So that I hope this has gone, this

has flown by, but Lori, what I

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:

hope women can get out of this.

453

:

is how important your marriage is.

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:

It is the thing, it is your,

what you have to stand on.

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:

And I know I always love when someone's

going through a divorce and I want

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:

them to kind of try, you know, are

you sure you don't want to stay

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:

married and work a little harder?

458

:

I always tell them to work on themselves.

459

:

It seems like if you kind of start

there, like you said, with that dream

460

:

and then invite the other person

in to help you discover things.

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:

I think that's a really good start.

462

:

I agree.

463

:

So listeners, if you want to get

ahold of Lori, we'll have all your

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:

information in the show notes.

465

:

Um, what's the best way for them to

reach out just to go to your website and.

466

:

Yeah.

467

:

And you have to dig around the website

is geared towards daters, but if

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:

you dig around into my offerings,

you will see that the actually the

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:

relationship retreat work is there.

470

:

The couples.

471

:

Work is there and the private

coaching work is there too.

472

:

So just Dig around on the website till

you find what you need Well, and i'm

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:

gonna dig around on your website And

then I want to have you back because

474

:

I love everything you're sharing

and I so appreciate you being here.

475

:

Lori.

476

:

Thank you You are so welcome.

477

:

You take yeah, take good care

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