S1 Ep 1: Does It Have a Penis Jilly?

[Radio cuts in}

Bombastic General:

People of the Order, Humanities greatest legacy stands on the cusp of disaster. Never before has our peace been more uneasy, our advancement more blockaded, our very way of life...more threatened, than this moment in History.

We know our enemies...but allow me to call them out. The so-called All Nations Alliance, a misguided bid to bring back that broken thing we once called Democracy. The Dead Presidents, Terrorists trying to impose on us another millenia of flawed despot after flawed despot. The Second Puritans-

[Sound of Gino angrily slapping the radio}

Gino (G): Jesus christ I'm so sick of these Government ads. Ah! I can't change the feckin' station! I want my Mid-Morning Illegal 80's! Where's Bernard he can fix this feckin' radio it's his job after all! Bernard? Bernard!

Cut to: Hybraxian employment office

[Crowd noises throughout]

Employment Officer (EO): Next please.

[Walking on marble floor, chair creaking]

Sonya ( S) : Hello. Hi.

EO:Welcome to the Hybraxian Employment Office. Name and ID Number please.

S: Oh em Sonya Halley. ID is 317CBTBF

[keyboard clacking]

EO: Says here you were an officer aboard the Inquisitorial Interceptor Vessel the Goldfinch. Dishonourable dishcharge for conduct not beffitting an officer.

S: Yes well, does it mention what I did?

[single keyboard clack]

EO: The only details here is that you assaulted the lead navigational officer.

S: I defended myself.

EO: From?

S: Him. He tried it on with me and I said no.

EO: So you assaulted him?

S: Well he wouldn't take no for an answer.

EO: Ms. Halley what are you expecting me to find for you?

S: Well, I was hoping there might be a job going on another Government Vessel?

EO: Ms. Halley...

S: Or any vessel really!

EO: i don't think...

S: transport?

EO: It's really not...

S: Cargo?

EO: You're not really...

S: Waste removal?

EO: Ms Halley! I'm sorry, but I'm afraid with your record...you won't be able to find any work aboard an Order sanctioned spacecraft again.

S: But, this is my dream. Grow up, become an officer and fight the All Nations Alliance in their pursuits to take down the Order and the Great Commander. Just like what it said on the cereal boxes for 'Crunch O's'. Do you remember those?

EO: Yes. I wasn't a fan.

S: I was. They were a delicious honey treat. I would wake up every morning, pour myself a bowl and read about Captain Bee Vigilant and his fight against the Evil Rabble Rousers. I wanted to be just like Captain Vigilant.

EO: You wanted to be an extinct insect?

S: Hey that Bee took down a group of Libra assassins single handed. He was my hero, all I wanted was to be like him. Now I can't, what do I do?

EO: My advice is come when you have more...realistic goals.

S: Realistic goals? But...but...I was top of my class. I was supposed to rise through the ranks, captain my own ship some day. Now you're saying I can't even work as a cleaner on a refuse vessel!

EO: I'm afraid so Ms. Halley. Now, our time is up.

S: But what will I do?

EO: I can't answer that Ms. Halley.

S: But you're the employment officer?

EO: Yes, but my job is really to tell people what they cannot do.

S: So, who tells me what I can do?

EO: That would be the Careers officer, the line starts over there.

S: Okay you're pointing outside the building and accross the road. You know what? Forget it. Just... I'll figure it out.

EO: I have the utmost belief in you. sarcastic

[Chair creak by someone getting up, two sets of footsteps on marble floor]

Bernard (B): Sorry Miss.

S: Yeah, sorry...what is it? I'm a bit busy leaving this tip.

B: Thought I heard another Ex-Pat. What are you doing all the way out in this shitehole?

S: Leaving, that's what. Now, can I help you?

B: Sorry! My names Bernard, Bernard Dooley. I'm actually in the space faring game myself.

S: Sonya Halley. Wait, were you listening in on my conversation?

B: Hard not to love, they build these fecking cubicles so close together.

S: But I didn't hear you?

B: Well I know to speak softly in this place. Never know who could be listening.

S: Sorry, what is it that you want? I have a run-down disgusting hostel to go back to.

B: You said you were an officer, on a Government vessel? Just so happens we're in the market for a new first officer, care for an interview?

S: Really? Are you serious?

B: Yep. The Shuttlebug is in the Hanger Bay in the Metis district. I'll bring you up to see the captain.

S: Emm hold on a minute there lad. Do you have any ID or something? I'm not going to just get in a ship with you on the promise of employment. I've heard enough stories of desperate girls being kidnapped from here and sold to Lyca Pirates or god knows what else.

B: Oh of course, right you are. here. [rustling through pockets]

S: Head of Engineering eh? How many are under you're command?

B: Well if you include myself...one.

S: Well look, I've to head back to the hostel and grab my officers uniform...Luckily I didn't sell that to survive like I did everything...else. I'll meet you at the Hanger Mr. Dooley.

B: Excellent!

S: Actually hang on...what were you doing here?

B: Oh yeah, as it happens I'm quitting.

S: What? Why?

B: I'll explain on the way. The ship's called the Green Horizon by the way. I can't wait for you to meet the captain. His name is Gino Whelan, and he's the biggest eejit in the Galaxy.

INTRO

Captains' log. The year is...: 2241

S: What are doing?

G: Ah what the fuck?

[Sound of a swivel chair spinning, a tape recorder clattering off the floor]

G: Who're... what? {pause} Who are you?

S: My name is Sonya Halley. I'm applying for the role of first officer for you're ship?

G: Oh...you are? Fair enough. Dya want it?

S: "wh...what?

G: The job. Gwan.

S: Don't you want to see my credentials?

Pause

G: Nah. Yer Grand.

S: But don't you need to interview anyone else?

G: There is no one else.

S: What about the other applicants?

G: Ah they were all shit. Dya want the job or not love? I'm a busy man.

S: Busy talking into that thing?

G: Hey now that's my memiors. What if the ship blew me to bits? That recording is all that would be left.

S: You threw it and it smashed. I doubt it would survive an Anti-Matter explosion.

G: Feck you know your stuff. You're hired.

S: I haven't...[sigh}

G: Wait how did you get on board my ship. I'm in orbit?

S: Your Engineer brought me up from Hybrax in your Scuttlebug.

G: Bernard brought you? He never told me he was heading into Hybrax, I would have asked him to grab me a bag of crush while he was local.

S: Ah yes your engineer mentioned you were a Corzaline addict. In fact he listed it as one of the reasons that he was resigning.

G: Ah now I wouldn't say addi-wait what do you mean resigning?

S: He said he was leaving. Although I can't imagine why this place is (pause) wonderful.

[Sound of Gino getting off his chair, two sets of footsteps walking on metal floor, then the sound of a door opening]

G: Bernard lad. My oldest pal. Sarah here-

S: (interrupting) Sonya.

G: Yep. Sonya here says your leaving....Surely this is just a...simple jest on your part. Why are you packing your clothes?

[Sound of packing, then a zipper]

B: Get fucked Gino.

G: Ah ha ha! Some messer this fella.

B: Messer? When was the last time I got paid Gino?

G: What? Psh. (extended stammer) Friday.

B: Today's Friday.

G: I mean last Friday.

B: You didn't pay me then either.

[metal footsteps growing loader then stop]

Jilly (J): Oh well lads. Berny are you off on holidays love?

B: No Jill. I'm leaving.

J: Leaving where Berny?

B: Leaving here Jill.

J: But I just put the kettle on.

B: I can't have tea Jilly I'm leaving forever.

J: Oh (pause) will I wait till your back then?

B: (quietly) Oh for fuck sake.

S: Is this your porter?

G: Who? Jilly? Nah she's the Navigational officer.

J: And your sister.

G: Yes that too.

J: Twin sister.

G: Yep.

J: Older by 5 minutes.

S: You're the chief Nav?

J: Last I checked love.

S: Where did you get your accreditation?

J: Eh, well I wouldn't say I'm accredited in the traditional sense.

S: In what sense then are you?

J: Well, I went to the induction day...but it wasn't for me. Sher it's easy like. Go here, go there. Oh mind there's an asteroid over here...Black hole over there.

G: Jill is very good Sarah.

S: Sonya.

B: Goodbye Gino. My advice Sonya, unless you want to live a life of impoverishment...walk away and never turn back.

S: But you brought me here?

B: Only to tell Gino that living in a disease infested rat trap on the cockwart of the Galaxy is better than serving under his leadership.

S: So far it seems pretty close to be honest.

[sound of metal footsteps]

G: W-W-Wait Bernard hang on bud. Give me one day. Give me until...tomorrow morning to get a contract sorted. If not...I'll let you on your merry way, and pay you what you're owed.

B: You swear Gino?

G: (sighs) Of course pal.

B: On your mothers grave?

J: Berny you shouldn't bring graves into this!

B: Sorry Jilly...but I need to know.

G: On both my parents. And my Nanny.

B: Which one?

G: The good one!

B: Fuck you're serious (pause) Okay fuck it. You have one day to secure us a real, tangible contract. If you don't, which you won't, I'm gone.

[Door closing]

J: He's moody. I'm heading to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Bye Sarah.

S: It's Sonya-

J: What's on me?

S: Nevermind.

J: You're a bit odd aren't ya? Bye lads.

[Sound of Metal footsteps decreasing]

G: Back to the cockpit so?

[Two sets of Metal Footsteps]

G: So, I assume after seeing that {pause} you're itching to get started?

S: Are you for real? You don't pay your crew. Your Navigational officer is also your tea lady. The ship is an absolute state and I can't tell if you're drunk right now or just completely off your head.

G: Bitta both to be honest.

S: If I join your crew I'll probably be dead in less than a week.

G:If you're lucky!

S: I assume that's what happened to your last First Officer?

G: Actually I've never had one! You'd be my first First Officer.

S: Wait so what made you want one now?

G: Honestly I didn't post this job. I'm assuming Bernard put it up. Did you see the classified in the Hybraxian Discoteque? He loves throwing shapes there.

S: No actually, I ran into Bernard at the Hybraxian Employment Center. He was behind me in the queue.

G: Well, if that isn't a sign I don't know what is.

[Computer pinging]

G: Shit, incoming vessel.

S: What is it?

G: Trouble. Where's the communicator?

(Sound of the communicator static)

G: Bernard I need you start the engine now please.

(Bernards' voice coming through the communicator)

B: I have her under maintenance Gino. She won't be firing for another hour at least.

G: Ah fuck!

J: What's all this noise?

G: Mortlock. He's found us.

J: Ah he's a lovely fella.

G: No he's not Jilly. He's a psychotic prick who got his nose out of joint because I beat him in a game of cards. He's been chasing me around the Prometheus system for two weeks.

J: I thought he was a nice lad.

G: Jilly his ship is literally called the Bonesplitter.

S: Ship's in range.

G: Morty lad! What's the craic? How's the whole...human trafficking business? I like the neck tattoo what does that say 'Hooter'?

S: Honour, it says honour.

G: Oh honour, that makes more sense.

M: Shut up you filthy Paddy thief!

G: Hey now, no need for the racism.

M: You took what is mine. I want it back. You have 5 minutes. if you do not comply, I will blow your ship to pieces.

G: Mortlock you wouldn't do that! We have children on board!

M: We have scanned your vessel. There are 5 life-forms aboard. 4 adult humans and an animal no larger than a cat.

G: Ah you got the aul' scanners installed fair play. Wait a cat?

J: Gino he says he'll blow us up!

G: Hang on Jill, the men are talking.

S: Oh you stupid chauvanistic [pause] Sir, this is acting First Officer Sonya Halley-

G: {Interrupting} Was it not Sarah?

S: Shut up! Sir, I'm sure I speak for all on board when I say the Captain will gladly give back whatever is yours. Give us the five minutes and I can assure you will we will have what you seek and allow you to come aboard and retrieve it yourself.

M: Done. You have five. Do not delay.

(Sound of computer screen switching off)

B: What's going on?

J: Ah nothing major. Just a standoff with a space pirate.

B: Gino you said you got it sorted?

G: Nevermind that! Sarah what have you done?

S: Erm...saved us?

G: You told him you'd give it back! I can't!

S: Why? Oh Jesus do you not have it?

G: Of course I have it!

S: And what is it exactly?

G: Just his fathers gold watch that he bestowed to Mortlock upon his death. It's on my wrist and really going well with my ensemble if I'm honest.

S: Show me.

G: Here look, nice isn't it?

S: Oh brilliant! Well...lets head to the docking hatch and give it back.

G: Now wait a minute, surely we can do something else?

S: like what? Our engine is offline.

G: What about our gun?

S: What? That Pea-shooter I saw on the front of the ship?

G: Pea-shooter? That's a 2 foot Gattling Laser capable of firing 300 Proton rounds a minute!

J: It's not even loaded Gino.

G: Well they don't know that! Mortlock's a chicken, if we fire that up he'll tear off.

B: Even if it was Gino, Sonya's right. Our weapon is designed to ware off pirates in flying cardboard boxes not a WarVessel like Mortlock's. Proton Rounds can't penetrate even standard shielding, which I'm sure is what his ship has. You'd need Resilium to blast through.

G: But this watch is worth 10, 000 credits on the black market easy. I was going to use it to-eh nevermind.

S: Use it to?

B: Pay me. Gino you fucking asshole. You had no intention to find us any work. You were just going to pawn a stolen watch to pay us off.

G: Well...Yeah. But at least I would have paid you.

B: Instead now you've gotten us into a situation where we might all die.

G: We're not going to die. I'll give it back. Head down to the hatch and I'll meet you there.

...

Nice of you to join us. What were you doing up there?

G: Well if you must know Bernard I was having a little scream into my pillow. Now all of you shut up, and let me do the talking.

S: Oh god we're going to die.

(Sound of hatch door opening,multiple footsteps)

G: Nice to see you again Morty. I see you brought two friends.

M: Shut it.

(Sound of Gino being hit)

G: Yep, I deserved that headbutt.

M: That watch was my fathers. He was an officer in the Terran Army of the order. He was honourable, unlike you.

G: Coming from the man who ships child sex slaves and has a neck tatoo?

(Sound of Gino being hit)

G: Ow! Fuck! What is your head made out of?

M: Do you have what's mine?

G: Yes I do! Why didn't you start with that instead of turning my nose into a Jackson Pollock?

M: Who?

Peter (P) (Voice obscured by mask) : He was a painter and major contributor to the abstract expressionist movement in the 20th century.

(5 seconds of silence)

B: Wow.

G: Fuck, fair play.

J: Well aren't you a clever clogs?

Peter: I studied artistry before I got into the war business. I've always fancied myself as something of a Picasso-esqe abstractionist myself, I have a few original works if you'd like-

M: Peter why do you always do this?

Peter: Sorry sir I just got excited and-

M: Peter look at Frank beside you. He never speaks, he just stands there and looks intimidating. Why can't you be more like Frank?

Peter: Sir, Frank lost his vocal chords remember? You shot him.

M: Frank is this true?

[silence)

J: Is your name Frank?

.......

J: My cat's name is Frank.

B: Oh he smiled.

G: So you DO have a cat!

M: Enough!

(Sound of a gun being deholstered)

M: Hand it over you dirty Irish Prick.

G: Okay Okay! Just don't shoot. Here.

M: Finally. Now let this be a lesson to you Captain Whelan. Never cheat me in a game of cards.

G: I didn't cheat Mortlock. You're just a lousy player.

M: And you're a good card player Gino. Too good.

(Sound of fighting between Mortlock and Sonya)

S: Tell your men to drops their weapons or I'll turn your brains into porridge.

G: Oh my god Mortlock, she just took the gun right out of your hands! Oh the boys on Alchemilia will hear about this! After she kills you of coarse.

M: You got me. You're quick for a woman. Men, lower your weapons. Now, how about you let me leave and we forget all about this.

G: Sonya if you let him leave he'll get in his ship, turn around and blast us to pieces.

S: No he won't.

G: How dya know?

S: I'll make him swear not too.

B: Sonya this guy travels the Solar System selling people like cattle. He can't be trusted.

S: Maybe, but I noticed that tatoo on your neck, the reverence you have for your father. You practically hounded us through Millions of miles of space for his watch.

M:What of it?

S: Swear on him. Swear on your Father that you will not bother us again.

G: Sonya that won't work.

M: I swear, I swear on my father. No harm will come to you by me again. Just...let me go.

(Sonya releases Mortlock)

S: I'm keeping the gun by the way.

M: It's yours. Frank we're leaving.

Peter: What about me?

M: You are the worst henchman I have ever had. You can stay here with them. I don't want you.

Peter: But...where will I go?

M: I don't fucking care. Just stay off my ship.

(Hatch door opening and closing)

J: Aw, bye Frank.

....

(Back in the cockpit, just Sonya and Gino)

G: So, I imagine you'll be off then.

S: Will I be off now?

G: You said it yourself. This place...me. it's a disaster. I'd already be dead if it wasn't for you. You should go. Just say goodbye to Jilly before you head off. That Peter guy is showing her his art in the kitchen I think.

S: Y'know, this is most excitement I've had since the Goldfinch. I think I might stay.

G: Are you serious?

S: Yeah. Plus you said it yourself...you'd be dead without me. If I leave now I'm commiting murder.

G: Very true. So, I guess you're officially my first first officer! Dya want to talk pay or....?

S: Yeah well...I normally ask for my first week in advance but I know you're a bit strapped at the moment so-

G: No I can pay you in advance Sonya. Luckily I've recently come into a nice bit of money as it happens.

S: How? The watch is gone and you're skint.

G: Sonya Halley if you're to become my first officer you need to know one thing and one thing only about me...

S: You're a broke chauvanist with delusions of grandeur?

G: It's not delusional if it's true sweetheart. No, the one thing about me is...I never ever just give things away.

S: Please don't tell me you screwed over that crazy smuggler.

G: Of coarse I did! it's crazy how cheap a replica gold Terran army officers' watch goes for on Penthus. The seller did a bang up job on the inscription too. Best 100 credits I've ever spent.

S: [angrily} You...

G: Oh relax. He'll never realize it's a fake! Anyway even if he does he can't touch me, he swore on his father.

S: I'm going to die because of you. I just know it.

G: Haha ah yeah...probably.

S: So Captain...where to?

G: The most important place yet first officer...

S: Oh?

G: I'm going to the pub.

............

The next scene, Gino and Jilly are discussing Intergalactic travel over a cup of tea:

G: Okay Jilly, I'm only going to explain this once.

J: Right Gino.

G: You're the Navigational officer Jilly.

J: Yep.

G: The Navigational officer should know that we use Wormhole travel to get accross the Galaxy.

J: I know that Gino.

G: No no, no. You told that fella that we somehow are now putting up, that we're travelling by worms.

J: Sher it's the same thing.

G: Jilly, how on earth can you be so smart at some things and so-

J: If you say what I think you're going to say I'll punch you in the throat.

G: [sighs] It's just, you've told people this before. I can't have prospective clients hearing that our Navigational officer thinks we traverse space using slimy insects!

J: Actually Gino worms aren't insects. They're an animal. Now who's stupid?

S: I thought you were going to the pub?

G: I am. I just needed to have a pointless conversation with my sister.

B: Hello everyone!

S: You're in a good mood.

B: Of coarse I am. I just got paid. I'm hitting the discoteque and I just want to dance until I stop worrying about how you got that money.

P: Oh is everyone in here? Sweet. Jilly do you want to see that other painting I've done?

G: Sorry...but like do you work here now? I'm the captain I feel like I should of had some say in this.

P: Oh, well...I just thought that since Mortlock dropped me off on your ship-

G: That you could just stay here? Sorry, but we're a pretty close knit group here.

S: Gino I literally met you 6 hours ago.

B: And I hate you.

G: Yes, but we're all Irish.

J: Now who's racist?

G: You know what I mean! Yanks are shite craic like.

P: Actually I'm Canadian.

G: It's all the same isn't it?

P: I'm sorry you feel that way, it's like how you and the English are all the same?

Everyone loses their shit

G: Get out.

P: Wait you don't have a security officer do you?

G: We do, and it's me.

B: Ha!

P: Maybe I can be that? I was a Terran soldier for a while when I left Art School.

S: We could do with some more muscle Gino. There's only so many times I can stop you getting shot.

J: Plus his pictures are lovely!

P: Thanks Jilly!

G: Hang on now everyone. This conversation is getting mutinous. Look, I appreciate your offer, but I don't know you. I can't risk my precious crew hiring somebody who had a gun pointed at us a few hours ago.

S: Wow, that was...a nice thing you said.

P: I'll do it for free.

G: You're hired.

S: Of course.

G: Right lets celebrate. To the Dragon! Drinks are on me!

S: Pass.

J: Pass.

B: Very hard pass.

P: I'll go! That's an Irish bar right?

G: Sino-Irish yeah. Great food and great beer.

S: Gino don't do that thing that all Irish people do. You travel hundreds of trillions of miles and you still end up in an Irish bar.

P: Aw man I can't wait. You know I have Irish ancestry.

G: Don't you dare.

B: Come on let's go, I gotta boogie.

G: Bernard you really need to stop hanging around that discoteque. There's all sorts that go there, wouldn't want them giving you notions.

B: Gino you're a conman with a drug problem. Glass houses friend.

S: So I suppose me and Jilly will just stay up here?

G: Ah yeah. Sher look ladies get some cleaning in while the men are away.

S: If you ever say that again I will fire you out the airlock.

J: And I'll shoot you with the Proton Gun after you're turned into a space popcicle, shattering your body into a million pieces, spreading your corpse accross the cosmos.

B: Wow.

G: Jesus Jilly that was-

P: Beautiful.

J: Thanks Peter.

G: Right, fuck this. we're off. See ye later humans of equal or greater value.

J: That's better.

...

Billy Barman (BB): Okay you damn drunk. Either wake up and keep drinking, or get the fuck out. You can't sleep here it's not a hotel.

Joe: Jesus, Mary and Joseph alright alright I'm up will ye just calm down and give me peace...and another brandy if you'll be so kind.

BB: Hey you need to watch the Old World Religion shit. I can't have Inquisitorial officers shutting the place down because you're breaking the Blasphemy laws.

Joe: I'll Blaspheme all I like! Here's one...I pray to Saint Anthony that I might find the patience to put up with your shit. Our dear leader is not a deity, so it is not blasphemous to speak of "Old World Religion Shit" as you put it. It's just illegal, god help us.

BB: One more word and you're barred.

Joe: How about the word of God?

BB: Okay that's it-

Joe: Now wait wait I was only messing here...a tip of 50 credits for listening to an old man pine for the days of the baptised and the confirmed.

BB: Okay Paddy but keep your beliefs to yourself.

Joe: As Dear leader is my witness.

G: Excuse me, couldn't help but overhear, another wandering Irishman traversing the Void of Space time.

Joe: Ah would ya lookit, a fellow compatriot!

G: It's a small Galaxy isn't it? Nice Hawaiian shirt by the way. Take it you're on holidays?

Joe: Something like that! Sit down sit down have a drink. First ones on me.

G: Thank you very much Mr.???

Joe: Joe, just Joe. Yerself? What accent is that? East? South East?

G: Waterford.

Joe: How is the old city?

G: It's been better. Lot of poverty, lot of fighting. What about you?

J: Roscommon originally. What about you big fella? You the same as the lad here?

P: Well I was born on Hera Prime, but my parents hail from Toronto originally.

Joe: A Yank? Right.

P: Actually Toronto is in Canada-

Joe: Well it's all the fucking same isn't it?

P: Actuallly they're two entirely separate-

Joe: Barman, two scotches for my fellow Ex-Pat and his American friend.

P: Again, they're completely-

G: Just shut up and drink Peter.

.......

S: Do you have any 7's?

J: Go fish. Dya have any 9's?

S: Fish. 5's?

J: Nope. Kings?

S: Nah. 6's?

J: Nope. Do you have any Kings?

S: Jilly you just asked me that.

J: Oh. Any 9's?

S: Okay feck this [sighs] there's nothing to do. You know my first day aboard the Goldfinch I worked 20 straight hours non-stop. I was on my feet running messages, plotting routes and fighting a band of Space Pirates from the Lyca System.

J: Well, we could look at Peter's Artwork.

S: We already did that Jilly. It was just paintings of muscular men with vegetables instead of heads, that boy needs to talk to someone.

J: He said it was a commentary on vapid body image culture.

S: A Turnip with a six-pack is not art Jilly! No, I'm not arguing with you again over something this stupid on my first day on the job. Surely there's something that needs to be done?

J: You could clean out Gino's file desk? Right now it's pictures of nude women and pasta dishes he plans on cooking someday.

S: Not feeling that one Jilly.

J: We could empty Bernards underpants basket into space.

S: No, never.

J: We could feed my cat.

S: I can't believe I'm going to say this but that's actually the best thing we can do.

J: I'll just grab some sardines, he loves sardines.

[They head to Jilly's room]

J: Just open the door here, Hi Frank.

S: Oh he's...not a cat. Jilly that's not a cat.

J: Yes it is Sonya. Look at his cute little face.

S: Jilly that is clearly a ferret.

J: What? No.

S: Yes, that is very much a ferret.

J: Are you serious? Frank are you a ferret?

S: Well he's hardly going to answer you.

J: Dya think he knows?

S: That he's not a cat? Yes Jilly.

J: But like I've been calling him a good kitty for ages, what if I gave him a complex?

S: Jesus Christ.

J: Is he even a boy? Maybe he's a Francesca?

S: Does it have a penis Jilly?

J: I don't know anymore Sonya, I don't know anymore!

S: Good lord.

J: Ah Frank why didn't you tell me?

S: I wonder if the lads are having as much fun.

....

Gino and Joe together: Wahey!

G: Ah feck I'm pissed!

J: I think you're American friend is asleep!

G: Ah serious? Peter! Peter!

P: [Snoring]

G: Yeah He's gone.

J: I tell you what lad, I haven't had this much fun in a long time. Ah, I should really appreciate it before I...ah, nevermind.

G: [slurring] What's the issue?

J: Ah you know yerself. I fell into the wrong crowd, lost money on the ponies, owe money to the sort that you shouldn't owe money to.

G: Can you...pay...them?

J: Feck that! I work hard for my money, you know what it's like as an Irishman yourself.

G: I fucking do, I fucking do. The shagging system lad, it's always just...at ye yano?

J: I know exactly what you mean lad.

G: Would you not just head off?

J: Ah, nobody will take an old Irishman, they all just think I'm some drunk without a sheckle to my name.

G: I'll take you! I've a ship...I'm...I'm captain. Captain Gino. That's me.

RedBekka Roy (RR): Excuse me.

G: Ah, hello there little miss. Wait, shouldn't you be at home? What time is it I can't read the clock!

J: Eh, Gino. She works here.

G: Oh, like collecting glasses? Aren't you a bit young for that?

J: No, she works here.

RR: Do you like what you see Mister?

G: Oh god, no not happening. Little miss how much would be enough for you to leave this place and go home right now?

Patron: Hey little girl! How bout you forget those pricks and come sit beside us!

G: She's alright lads. She was just leaving.

Patron: The only way she's leaving is with me. C'mon kid I got the cash.

J: Seriously Gino just leave it.

G: There isn't a hope in hell I'm leaving her head off with that pack of pedo's, why don't the lot of ye fuck off or I'll wake up my buddy here.

Patron: I will fuck you up you dirty Mick!

G: Okay fuck this. Peter! Peter!

P: Ah wha...what?

G: Peter it's time for you to do the thing that security officers do!

P: Mom?

G: What?!

J: Gino they're armed.

G: Oh balls.

BB: Hey put those fucking guns away!

Patron: Tell those Paddy's to give over the girl!

BB: Not a chance!

G: Hey this guy's pretty cool.

BB: She's property of the Emerald Dragon!

G: Ah nevermind.

BB: We reserve the right to refuse any motherfuckers who pull weapons in the bar.

G: And now the Barman's armed.

BB: My name's Billy motherfucker, and I don't play.

Patron: Let's kill these fools.

BB: It's Billy bitch!

[Gunfire, screaming, furniture falling over, glass smashing and bottles breaking, eventually silence, then...Gino emerges from the rubble, followed by the Peter,Joe and RedBekka Roy]

G: Well, nothing sobers you up more than a near death experience. Peter you alright?

P: I think I'll be fine once I paint it out.

G: Joe? Little Miss?

Joe: All good here.

RR: My name is RedBekka, RedBekka Roy. And this isn't my first gunfight.

G: Well I hope it's your last. Here, this is all the credits I have left. Go home, stop selling yourself.

RR: I have no home to go to. But thanks for the cash, I'll get the next flight to Cheimon and start again there.

P: You have no home? Why don't you come with us?

G: Peter!

P: What? You took me in. You're taking Joe, why not take Ms. Roy here.

RR: I don't need saving Peter!

G: You heard the girl, let's go lads.

P: No Gino. C'mon man, she's all alone.

G: Oh for feck...fine! C'mon little miss.

RR: I just said I don't need saving.

G: Well what if I gave you a job?

RR: What kind of a job?

G: Cleaning, Dusting, apprentice tea maker! Anything just...C'mon will ye? You're getting blood on your little shoes.

RR: Okay, but I expect competitive rates.

G: Okay okay now let's go everyone before the police come and arrest us all.

P: You're lucky Redbecca, I don't even get paid.

G: Don't you start.

Joe: Ye should start a Union.

RR: Hey that's not a bad idea.

G: Don't you dare!

End

Cast

Kieran Walsh as Gino Whelan

Caoimhe Walsh as Sonya Halley

Amy Jackman as Jilly Whelan

Steven Stubbs as Bernard Dooley

Megan Walsh as RedBekka Roy

Paul Walsh as Peter Savage

Jack Bishop as Mortlock the Smuggler

Sound by Steven Stubbs

Recorded in the Forum, Waterford, Ireland.

Sound Effect Attribution

Freesfx.co.uk

Freesounds.org

Inspectorj- Door, Front, Opening.wav

-Glass smash, Bottle, H.wav

-UI Confirmation Alert.wav

-Ambience, Food Court, B.wav

MAJ: 061785

-Glass hitting table.aif

-Banging Screen Door

Ultradust- Sipping a drink

-Sliding chair on Hardwood floor

ddunkley- footsteps on metal.wav

Qubodup- Sci fi Laboratory Ambience

MazDemianAGL- Body_Impact_wood.aiff

pfranzen- Smashing head on wall

Jzazfurek- Ferret

themfish- draw-card.wav

f4ngy- Card Flip

JakLocke- Pouring a shot

Putting coat on and off with zippers.wav- ryanconway

CUeckermann- Dog walking on hardwood floor

stintx- Pistol-Reload.wav

CastIronCarouse- Chemistry table crash.wav

Silverillusionist- Headshot 2

Iceofdoom- Dying and gasping sounds-Male Death

BennyChico11- Grunts.wav

Dariachic- Patting down pillow.aif

IESP- Turning a record player on to play music

Iwipolppenisse- Explosion

Jakobthiesen- Seamstress' Studio Room with ceiling fan.wav

jchiledred- stepping on glass.wav

socializedArtist45- Brushing off clothes.wav

pauliep83- crash.aif

Robinhood76- Distant Male group laughter.wav

Pogotron- Tape recorder.wav

Avakas- High Heels on Marble Floor

CosmicD- Engine_Hum_New.wav

MrAuralization- FM Radio Tuning

SoundFlakes- Epic_Heroic_Orchestral_Dramatic.Mp3

ALLANZ10D- Shuffling Paper and Book Foley Sound

lunnaris- packing.wav

washout- two thumps.aif

Manda_g- Jewelery Clash.wav

Music

Intro by Daniel Noronha (Mrthenoronha)

Out of Space Strings Loop by Goran Andric (Zagi2)

The Terror of Highway 101 by Steve Blakeley

Share Episode

Shownotes

Transcripts

Follow

Links

Chapters

Video

More from YouTube