We're talking about the difference between a victim mentality and a victor mentality, There is such transformative power in shifting one's perspective.

Sara shows listeners how to recognize when they are trapped in a victim mindset, which can hinder personal growth and resilience, and how flip it to embrace the empowering mindset of a victor instead.

By taking responsibility for their reactions and focusing on solutions rather than problems, individuals can reclaim being an agent for change and find new opportunities in the face of adversity.

The discussion highlights how language, self-talk, and reactions to setbacks can either reinforce a sense of helplessness or foster empowerment and positive change.

Join Sara as she guides you through this journey of self-discovery, urging you to harness your inner strength and rise above challenges.

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I've been walking about this beautiful planet for 53 years and in that time I have met, when I think about it and go back over it, I have met a huge amount, a wide variety of different types of people.

Now, for the purposes of this episode, I'm going to break people down into.

One of two categories, those with a.

Victim mentality and those with the victor mentality.

We're going to look at what the differences are, which one you think you might be and is it possible to go from one to the other?

Let's get started.

Are you finding that after decades of pouring yourself into everyone and everything else around you, you can now put yourself first only to realize that you've lost sight of who you are and what you want and you can't even remember, remember what it was like to be able to focus just on you.

If life has evolved and changed and you feel it's time to step into a new identity and redefine your everyday.

Purpose so that you can make the.

Most of this new freedom and the opportunity it brings, then you're in the right place.

Now is not the time to be settling for less, drifting aimlessly and waiting for someone to need you.

Now is your time to start over and rise into your next exciting chapter.

If this sounds good, hit subscribe and let's make shift happen.

I'm Sarah, your coach, mentor and host.

I see you.

I've been you.

I've got you.

Welcome to start over and rise.

Hey gorgeous.

Thanks for joining me again.

I hope you've had a fabulous week and that you are raring to go.

We are at the start of November now.

Can you believe it?

We are literally weeks away from the end of the year and I don't know about you, but I really am on a mission to really finish this year on a high.

Having had a few years where I've been glad to see the back of that year.

So I don't know if you're feeling that very much feels that atmosphere is just all around me at the moment, which I'm super excited about.

And if that's you, if you need a bit of that, then I'm a good person to be around right now.

That's for sure.

We're talking today about the differences between having a victim mentality and having a victor mentality.

So the first thing that I think we ought to flag up here is because there's a big difference between somebody being a victim, okay.

And having a victim mentality.

So what I mean by that is a victim is someone who has suffered, suffered in some way.

So they've been harmed, there's been a loss, or maybe there's been an injury, it's often due to the actions or negligence of someone else or the circumstances have been beyond their control.

It might be that there's been a series of unfortunate events, things that they just didn't see coming.

But the harm can be physical, it can be psychological, it can be emotional, it can be financial.

It doesn't matter what it is.

If you feel you are a victim of something, it's generally because it has happened to you.

This isn't actually about being a victim of something, it's actually about what you do next.

Because I did some research on this.

Just do a little Google for yourself and you will find that there are many, many people who have been victims of horrific crimes, who have suffered from, you know, awful injuries, life changing injuries, life changing circumstances, and the bravery and the, you know, the way that they have moved on in their life as a result of what happened to them is a great example of whether you have a victim mentality or whether you have a victor mentality.

And you only need to go and look at those examples.

There is one.

A woman had been raped and she found herself to be pregnant.

She went on to bring up and love that child and raise that child, and you know, it turned out to be one of the very best things that had ever happened to her, this child.

And now whilst that's commendable, not everybody could have done that.

And it doesn't mean that that decision was the right one.

But for her, how she interpreted what had happened to her and what was happening next, I think very much shows that she was like, this has happened.

And this gift, this is how she saw it.

This gift has been given to her, his gift of this child.

And so she decided to move forward in a very positive and loving way.

Does that make her not a victim of what happened?

Of course it doesn't.

She still was a victim of a horrific crime, but she chose to go that particular way.

We've seen things time and time again where people have lost their homes through flooding and storms and hurricanes and they've just decided, okay, so this is where we're at now they feel that they're lucky to be alive and they see it as an opportunity to, you know, rebuild their lives.

So the victim mentality is the thing that can hinder your personal growth.

It's a thing that can stop you building resilience and it certainly can disempower you and it can keep you in a place where you are stuck.

You are stuck and miserable and can't find your way out.

Recognizing genuine victimhood is crucial.

But fostering a victim mindset helps you cope and move forward from very difficult experiences.

So we've talked about this before in terms of like midlife.

We've got a lot of things going on, right?

We've got, we're losing people around us.

We are maybe dealing with difficult challenges, with care needed for parents.

We've got things happening with children, maybe we're going through career changes.

There's all sorts of different things and it's how we decide to move forward with from these particular things.

Let's just take empty nesting as an example.

I use this because this is very much in the process.

I've got one kind of very much, you know, flying away and the other one is just about to take flight as well, in a matter of months really, rather than years.

And it's a gradual process.

But how do you look at what is happening there?

So if you've been a stay at home parent and your focus has been your children, the family, for what is likely to have been decades in all its wonderful different ways, but you can go into a place where you've lost your sense of purpose, that part of your life, that need you had to really put everything into it is no longer necessary.

Your role as that parent is changing.

And so you can see this.

You can be a victim about it and just focus on the past and how it was also wonderful.

But to be able to look forward from there, to look at the new opportunities for you, not just for them, but for you now as well, is empowering.

So I want to go through now some of the differences between a victim mentality and a victim mentality.

And really you'll see that it really is about the differences in approach.

It's about the attitude, it's about your thought processes.

And here's the thing, it is totally possible to recognize when you are in victim mentality and very quickly change it to when you're in victor mentality.

Because my friend, the victor mentality stuff is where actions and the good stuff and the new opportunities and all the positive aspects of life are there for us to take.

So let me illustrate this a little bit more.

So the first one I want to bring up is responsibility versus blame.

Now, with a victim mentality, people often believe that everything is happening to them, everything is to be blamed on other people or the circumstances, and they feel powerless.

They are seeing life as if something is happening to them rather than something that they can have any influence over.

So when we have a blaming mentality, it really just does completely disempower us because what we're saying is we're, this is all happening because of someone else and therefore you're giving them that, but you're giving them, excuse me, you're giving them that continued control.

Having a victim mentality means that you tend to take responsibility for your actions and your reactions to things.

So when situations become challenging, when you know, shit happens, it's more, okay, so this has happened, what am I going to do about it next?

Someone with a victim mentality sees themselves as an agent of change.

They see themselves as what happens next is down to them and they can take proactive steps to improve the situation.

And that's what taking responsibility is.

It's not taking responsibility for what has happened, it's taking responsibility for what happens next in terms of how you approach it, how you react to it, and how you think about it.

Okay, next up, you can be problem focused or you can be solution focused.

So when a problem arises, the victim mentality takes you to a place where you tend to focus on the negatives and you'll dwell on what went wrong, why it may have happened, and you can ruminate over this for a very long time.

What this can lead to is just, again, you're just stuck in the problem, that sense of helplessness.

And it often stops you from being able to find solutions.

Now, in some ways, I actually think we all do this anyway.

I think we all can do this.

And I think there's a time period where it's okay to be problem focused for a little bit because I think that allows you to feel the emotions of what has happened.

I think it allows you to say, okay, so this has happened.

And if you're like me, I can't help myself.

I cannot help myself.

I will always start off a situation with a victim mentality and I think that's okay.

So what I mean by that is when a problem happens, I think it's all right for a little while to feel sad, to feel angry, to feel all of those emotions.

But the trick is not to stay there if you know that you are in that place if you realize that, you know, it may be weeks, months.

And I'm going to be honest here, you know, I've done it for like 18 months.

I can think of an example where for 18 months I only focused on the problem.

I could not seem to turn it around.

The victim mentality comes into place when you start to look for the solutions.

So rather than dwelling on the problems, you're more likely to say, okay, this has happened.

What can I do about it?

What can I learn from this?

What opportunities does this open up for me?

So it's much more solution orientated.

The purpose of this episode isn't to shame you if you are in victim mentality and you must always be in victim mentality because as I said at the start of the show, I really think it is possible to move from one to the other.

And maybe that's your system, maybe that's a system that works for you.

But I have found that if for me and my clients, you know, my clients have noticed this, like, I can't seem to move past this problem.

The minute we can start to go, okay, let's identify this as victim mentality and victim mentality.

You know, we all know heroes in movies often do this, right?

They find out, okay, so this is the problem.

We've got to slay the dragon.

Or, you know, if they just focus on why the dragon is there and how they've got, you know, how it's destroying everything, nothing's going to change.

Whereas if they turn to the, okay, how can we best slay this dragon so we can save the world going into solution oriented thinking, then the plot of the movie changes, right?

And it's the same for your life.

So think about it.

Are you problem focused or are you solution orientated?

Now, one of the things that I struggled with the name of this episode, Victim mentality versus Victor, was should I do it as fixed versus growth mindset?

And some of you may be thinking this is the same thing.

And yes, it is closely aligned, right when you think about it, because a victim mentality often correlates with a fixed mindset.

And a fixed mindset is where you build, believe your abilities or your situation is not changeable.

It's never going to change.

And this is where you might hear people say, well, that's just who I am, or it is what it is and there's no changing it.

Those kind of things.

Well, here's the truth.

If you think that way, of course it's never going to change because you're not even open to the option of it changing.

But this can lead to, you know, low resilience.

When you are faced with challenges, if you just submit immediately, it goes in line with that, having a fixed mindset.

Whereas victim mentality tends to be in alignment with people who have a growth mindset.

And I consider myself very much to have a growth mindset.

People with a growth mindset have an outlook that, you know, you see challenges as opportunities for new learning, opportunities for personal growth, opportunities for self improvement, opportunities for exercising great curiosity about other options, other things, other ways of thinking.

So the victim mentality is, there's nothing I can do about it, very fixed in terms of mindset.

And the victim mentality is like, okay, so this has happened.

What happens next?

What can I gain from this?

Where are the lessons?

What am I going to do differently next time?

Where do I want to go next?

How can I use what has happened to me to my advantage?

Now that might.

Every time I say that, something comes up inside of me.

I'm just going to share this with you for a moment because every time I say that, I immediately think of people who are in that space where right now you are in a lot of pain right now, maybe you've just lost somebody, or maybe something really awful has just happened to you.

And to hear someone saying to you, you know what, you've got to look for the good in this can be really, really hard to hear.

So I just want to flag that up because as I said, none of this has to happen immediately.

It's good, you know, you gotta feel the emotion of what is happening to you right now.

But as I said before, there will come a time and you will know when your time is right where you will be able to look for the good or see the good that you had and be able to move forward.

The next thing is the language that we use.

So the self talk, your internal dialogue can really give you some clues as to where you are right now, whether you're in victim or victor mentality.

So people with the victim mentality often tend to have negative self talk.

If you're using words like can't or won't, then these are victim mentality words, right?

Because what you're doing is you are.

Maybe you feel undeserving or incapable or it reinforces, you know, feelings of inadequacy.

And if you're in that space, those are the kind of words that you're going to be using.

If you're in a victim mentality, you're going to have empowering self talk.

It's going to be positive.

You might tell yourself like, I can totally handle this.

Whatever happens next, I'll be fine, I will find a way.

Those kind of things reinforce resilience and confidence in you.

It allows you to believe and trust in yourself that you will find a solution.

Okay, so tap into what is happening with your, your internal dialogue with your self talk.

Are you empowering yourself or are you just adding to the evidence that actually you're undeserving or incapable or it reinforces feelings of you're not worthy.

And I've been there.

You know, it's, it sucks when you feel like when you become conscious that actually you, that is what is actually happening here.

You get negative because you feel that you're not good enough.

At the very core of what this is all about, that negative talk tends to be that you don't have it in you.

And that is that you don't have to stay in that place.

You really don't have to.

So listen to your thoughts, listen to yourself talk and you know, go, hang on a second.

That's quite victim mentality.

And I would actually like to change that.

One of my favourite coaching questions when I'm working with clients on this and they're recognizing that actually that's their default is to go to negativity and harmful, harmful self talk is, how's that working out for you?

And it's always such a game changer.

It can really help make that flip into victim mentality.

So moving on, how we react to setbacks.

When setbacks occur, those with a victim mentality tend to feel, you know, squashed, defeated.

They see it as evidence that they've been so unlucky they are doomed to fail.

This kind of thing always happens to people like me.

Why has this happened to me?

And it can lead to you giving up or even avoiding future risks.

Now, in my line of work, I often work with coaches who have their own business.

One of the things that I've seen many, many times is that if you attempt something in business and you give it a go and it fails, this is where you decide which way you're going next.

And again, I'm not saying that if you go into the victim mentality, it's a bad thing because you can come out of it okay.

But say you've done something and you've, you know, put your website up and you've spoken to people and you've just had nothing but rejection or maybe a lot of people saying, you know, yeah, that Sounds really good, but that's not for me right now, or I'm not really sure coaching is for me.

If they're finding themselves in that space, when they start to have that feeling of like, I may as well give up, what happens is they're avoiding trying again.

Nobody ever finds the best way to do something without failing.

And whether that's finding a new relationship, growing a business, changing a job, you've got to fail.

You've got to fail often, and you've got to fail fast.

If you want to learn what you like, what you don't like, what does work, what doesn't work, you can't find out unless you keep trying.

They're avoiding.

Maybe, you know, looking at what needs to be fixed here, what needs to be changed.

It might be that you're just talking to the wrong people.

Same with dating.

You know, a lot of people give up.

A lot of people give up with dating, particularly in their midlife, because they're like, oh, I've been on.

I've been on loads of dates, and it's just not happening for me.

Well, maybe it's not meant to happen immediately.

Maybe there's some stuff you need to do yourself.

Maybe you need to really think about what is it that you want?

And ask yourself, are you going out on dates with people that potentially can give that to you?

Okay.

The victim mentality is where you view setbacks as temporary, or you look at them to see, oh, hang on a minute.

Then, so what actually went wrong here?

What, you know, what could I do differently?

They use the failures as stepping stones.

They use the setbacks as a way to just, okay, I've just found another way of not doing it.

Okay?

And they will persist until they reach their goal.

See, this as if you've had setbacks.

If you've had some rejection, if you, you know, if you are reacting negatively, is that the end of it?

Or is it a chance for you to say, all right, so you know what?

I'm not going to do it that way anymore.

I'm going to try something different.

Let's talk about energy.

I love this subject.

I am often told I have huge amounts of energy, too much by some people, which is when I know that they're not my people.

But energy levels and motivation, this is.

Yeah, when you've lost your mojo, right?

So many people say this, and I.

And I absolutely love it.

And I know when I've lost my mojo, I know I've gone into victim mentality, or, you know, well, let's just Say before I say that, it's like it's one of the aspects that I've gone into because it could be I'm not doing my exercise, it could be that I'm not sleeping well or eating well, all of those things.

But I have definitely found that being in that place with victim mentality, it's heavy going, it's hard work and it really can drain your energy.

If you're constantly thinking about things in the past, thinking about the problem, ruminating, going over it, you are using so much energy your brain uses, I think it's 25% of your energy in any one day.

So if you're going overactively on it, then clearly it's exhausting.

It's exhausting.

And there's often a belief that nothing is going to change it regardless of effort.

So the more draining it feels, you know, your mindset just creates this cycle of low morale, of passivity, of, you know, this.

Yeah, the victim mentality of, well, it's not worth the effort anyway.

So think about this in terms of like your mojo.

It might be your mojo for your business, your mojo to make whatever change it is you want next.

If it's feeling low, check in with some of the things that we've talked about already.

So where it, what's happening with your self talk and so on.

If you've got a few of these things, you're definitely in victim mentality.

Whereas on the other side of the coin, a victim mentality can be energizing.

If you're feeling positive, if you're looking at new opportunities, if you're seeking solutions rather than focusing on problems, you're going to find that your energy level is so much higher.

Where there's a belief in the possibility of positive change and improvements coming, it really does lead you to think in a more positive, more creative, more energized way.

It's incredible.

So the other thing that I want to mention here is the impact that your mentality can have on others.

So let's just look for a moment on if it's draining for you, how you know and your energy levels are low.

How do you think it impacts others around you?

If you think about your immediate relationships, if you've got a victim mentality, it can actually put a strain on your relationships.

So let me broaden this a little bit.

I'm not just talking about your partner or your children, your immediate family and so on.

It's the wider things it might be, the impact it has on the people you work with, the clients you're trying to attract the new friends that you would like to make, the friends that you have already.

The ripple effect of being around someone who is blaming, who is complaining, who is negative, is so draining, you'll find you're actually repelling people and you may not even have a clue that you are doing it.

So this is why it's so important to be aware of these things.

Simply because you may not have been that type of person before this, let's call it a hard life event had happened to you and you being stuck in that place still with that victim mentality could actually be changing how people are viewing you now or how they feel around you.

It really is as simple as that.

So be aware of if you have this victim mentality, is it starting to make you a more bitter person, a resentful person?

Because that is going to have an effect on other people, especially if you weren't like that before.

There are many events, many things that can happen to us that can change us forever.

But if you lose the very core of who you are, that very essence of who you are, then it can be really destructive.

It can lead you to a place of anxiety, a place of depression, and you can really go on a downward spiral.

If you're able to start to identify problem isn't what happened to you, it's that you're staying in that place of victim mentality and that that's not a place where you want to be, then you can make some big changes.

So listen to those around you who care about you and it might take someone around you to help you see where you are and what it's doing to you by staying in victim mentality.

So this stuff has a big effect on your relationships.

It's worth being aware of it.

The Victor mindset fosters healthier relationships because it encourages accountability and personal growth.

You've got higher energy, your talk is more positive and so you tend to attract more of the right people that you want in your life.

These individuals who have a victim mentality tend to seek support rather than want to be rescued.

They're often much more uplifting to others around them and that can lead to new opportunities to attracting the right kind of people in all areas of your life.

So let's just summarise there.

The victim mentality is about feeling trapped, it's about feeling powerless.

It's about waiting for someone else to come and solve that problem or validate you as a victim and, you know, validate the fact that yeah, there's nothing you can do about this.

When you're in this space, you tend to look for external sources to solve the problem.

You're looking for outside influences to come in and make it all better.

Of course it needs you to go within.

As they say, no one is coming to rescue you.

Grieve it, feel it, heal it, and take on that victor mentality and start to see yourself as that person.

See yourself as someone who is capable of creating change, of course, correcting onto a whole new journey of really seizing the positive aspects of what this situation or what has happened to you, what opportunities is it opening up for you, what message is it giving to you?

You know, there are so many wonderful people have had terrible things that have happened to them that maybe as a, as a result of being a victim of something, have then gone on to start up a charity to help others move on from what has happened to them.

It's amazing.

And you just have to listen to them.

And they said, I would never have been doing this if whatever had happened hadn't happened to them.

So think about your own situation.

Are there some areas it might be that there's only some areas that you are actually you've slipped into victim mentality over.

And what can you do to get yourself into the victim mindset so that you can really look at things from a different perspective, Build some resilience, resilience, have some personal accountability, take that responsibility, react to the challenges as seeing them as new opportunities.

So many of the things that I talk about on the different episodes all come down to the system that you put into place.

When things happen to you, when you want to move forward, when you want to go in a different direction, when you want to let something go from your past, these things are so important.

How you approach approach things, the attitudes that you have, the perspective you come from, the ways of thinking, the actions that you take, these are all things that make the difference.

These are the things that take you from being overweight and unhappy to being fit and healthy and happy.

These are the things that take you from a business that is stuck and you just don't know what to do with it.

2.

Okay, maybe I'm going to change my business and make it the success it is meant to be.

It needs to come into alignment.

For example, this is the difference between if you feel there's something missing in your life, there's something missing in your life.

Are you fostering a victim mentality in some areas of your life, in which case if you turn that into a victor mentality, you may just find the solutions to what is actually missing in your life.

It's incredible powers.

Now, I do a lot of this work in my new program, which is Start over and Rise.

So if this is something that you like, I don't know how to move from one thing to the other, to move from victim mentality into victim mentality.

Maybe you need some help identifying where you are right now.

What are the things that are missing?

You know, if that's you, then do check out the program and you can find more details about that at Sara Burton S A R A B U r t o n.co.uk capital letters so a R soar and I would love to see you on the other side.

Now.

If you're listening to this, it opens from the 11th of November and there's a special launch offer.

If you're listening to this episode way after that, the program is still up and running.

It's still that page.

You need to find out more details and you'll be able to join at any point.

You can come on in and come and join us and get started straight away.

All right, my gorgeous ones, you have a fabulous week and I'll leave you with these parting words.

Thanks for listening.

If you love this episode, don't forget to subscribe and follow the podcast.

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And if you're ready to go deeper and accelerate your personal development, your start over and rise in whatever it may be, then go check out saraburton.co.uk there you'll find resources and courses and ways that you can work with me should you be ready to do so.

And finally, remember, in order to start over and rise to win, you must first start over and rise within.

It's cheesy, but I love it.

Thanks so much for joining me.

I'll see you soon.

Take care.

Bye.