Sure, we know vegetables are good for us, but sometimes it's a struggle to incorporate them into our lives on a regular basis. Boundaries can be the same way! Today we're discussing what boundaries are, why we need them, how to communicate them and how to enforce them when our boundaries get crossed.

We'll even discuss how Christ himself taught us about boundaries and how boundaries are a Christian, eternal principle. Understanding and implementing boundaries is one of the best paths to healthy, whole relationships with our loved ones, as well as thriving self-respect.

Register for the audio summit HERE starting November 27th!

Want to start a business but feeling overwhelmed? Join my Finding Your Side Hustle Course and learn the step-by-step process for starting the business you've been dreaming of.

Ready for one-on-one guidance? Schedule a free coaching call with me so we can make progress on your dreams.

listening to episode 30, four of burning

brightly boundaries are like broccoli.

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This is burning brightly, a podcast

for Christian moms who are feeling

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called to build a business and

share their light with the world.

4

I'm Bonnie Wiscombe, a life

coach, mom, and entrepreneur.

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And I'm honored to be your guide as you

face this business building adventure full

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of highs, lows, and everything in between.

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This is where we help each

other find the courage to shine.

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Welcome back to the podcast.

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My friends, before we get started,

I wanted to tell you about an

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awesome audio summit that I am

putting on starting next week.

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And it is going to be for any

life coach who is new or stalled

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and really struggling to get

their business up and running.

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I have six expert guests, including

myself talking about all the topics

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necessary to bust through those

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of launching our coaching business.

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Including how to find on-camera

confidence, how to balance work and

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family, how to find the right niche,

create the perfect offer, overcome

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tech overwhelm, all the things that I

see new coaches struggle with so much.

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So

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registration opens on

Monday, November 27th.

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Check out the link in the show

notes and make sure that you

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register it is totally free.

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And I And I want you to have access to

all these amazing experts so that you can

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finally get that business up and running.

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Boundaries.

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Boundaries are a real hot

button topic right now.

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Thankfully, I think more and

more of us are waking up to the

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importance of mental health.

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And we're understanding what

boundaries are, why we need

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them, how to enforce them.

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What happens when they break

down or we do not enforce them.

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And hopefully we're all

getting a better grasp of how

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important these boundaries are.

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So I hope it is obvious why I named

this episode a little tongue in cheek

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that boundaries are like broccoli,

because they are something that.

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Our minds desperately need it,

just like our bodies need broccoli,

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but they're not always fun to eat.

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Like vegetables, right?

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Now I almost called it boundaries

or like Brussels sprouts, but I

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actually love brussel sprouts.

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Why did they get such a bad rap?

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I don't know.

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They're one of my favorites,

but boundaries are similar to

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those vegetables that you could

take or leave, Not your favorite.

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You know, you're, they're good for you.

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And actually boundaries are not only good

for you, coincidentally, they are good

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for the people around you, but they're

not particularly fun to deal with.

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Kind of like how you're probably not

going to sit down with a plate of

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broccoli and just eat it for a snack

during an Netflix binge session, not

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your idea of a favorite snack, Not

the most fun, but very necessary.

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Also easy to ignore them but

they're critical for our health and

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the health of our relationships.

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So I have an analogy for you guys,

shocker, the queen of analogies.

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But I always have to have something

to compare these, concepts to, to help

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me understand it a little bit better.

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Think about the last time that you

went on a rollercoaster, one of those

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really crazy ones that shoots you 60

miles an hour and flips you upside

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down and does all these crazy things.

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You sit down in the seat.

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You pulled down the harness

and what's the first thing you

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do once that harness locks.

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You push against it.

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Now, why are we pushing

against the harness?

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we hoping the restraint

mechanism will fail?

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No, we're pushing back to

ensure that it is secure.

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We want to know 100% whether or not this

thing will hold us in because it's freaky

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and scary when we're flipping upside down.

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So the analogy was actually

first explained to me in terms of

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teenagers and how they push back

against boundaries and restrictions.

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Sometimes now they're not hoping

that those boundaries fail.

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They want to know where the line lies

so that they can feel safe in their

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relationship with us and in the big

wide world that they're exploring.

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So that's a whole other discussion about

how important boundaries are with kids,

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but the same holds true with boundaries

for others, for the adults in our life.

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People often push back, especially if

they don't know how to honor a boundary.

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Now, maybe you haven't taught them

how to honor your boundaries, or maybe

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you just haven't even communicated

with them that it is a boundary.

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So just notice that when there

is pushing back on the boundaries

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that you set up, it's totally okay.

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It doesn't mean you need

to drop the boundary.

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It doesn't mean that

you've done anything wrong.

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It just requires a little bit of

education, a little bit of adjustment

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in order for you to enforce it.

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Now, let me also point out here that

the looser, the boundary is just like

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the restraint on a rollercoaster.

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The more uncomfortable we are.

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Imagine going on a crazy flip

you upside down rollercoaster

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and the restraint is wiggling.

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I would be screaming my

head off more so than what I

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normally do on a rollercoaster.

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Same thing with boundaries.

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It makes everyone uncomfortable when

we're not sure where the line lies.

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So those tight boundaries

in our relationships, they

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keep us safe and comfortable.

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And keep everyone happy.

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Now before we go any further,

let's define what a boundary is.

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The best definition I've ever heard

is that a boundary is where one person

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ends and where another one begins.

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It's kind of like.

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Uh, personal space fence only.

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It goes well beyond just personal space.

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But part of what we learn as we grow

up where one person's personal space

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or desires ends and where ours begins.

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At the beginning when you're a child.

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That doesn't exist.

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Right?

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all over your mom all the time.

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You're in the bathroom with her.

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We all know as moms that, that

just kids don't get that, that

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kind of personal space boundary.

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But this is something that

eventually we all learn.

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Most of us actually don't realize

that we have, or need these

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boundaries until someone crosses one.

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So, let me give you a few examples

to make this a little bit clearer.

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Who is allowed to come into

your home without knocking.

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Is there anyone in your life that

can just walk in your house besides

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your immediate family members?

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So that might be an

extended family member.

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It might be a close neighbor or a best

friend might be one of your kid's friends.

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Maybe there's nobody

you allowed to do that.

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That is a boundary that you've created..

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Another example, who is allowed

to hug you without first asking.

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Another boundary.

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What pet names or nicknames

can people call you?

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Boundary,

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so all of these are instances of

boundaries and very often instances

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where these boundaries get crossed.

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And all of this is relative.

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Everybody has boundaries that are

different, which is why it requires

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some given take in a relationship to

understand where someone is comfortable

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versus where you're comfortable.

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Let's say for example, that in my mind,

once I have your number programmed

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in my phone, I think that means

I can just walk into your house.

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Or I can just call you anytime I

want and talk to you for an hour.

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Maybe my neighbor does nothing.

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That's the case.

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That I have to be friends with

her for 10 or 15 years before

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I can ever walk into her house.

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Then we're going to have

a little bit of a clash.

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We'll eventually have to come to

some sort of an agreement about what

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boundaries she has, what boundaries I

have and where we can meet in the middle.

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Now, I'll say here that very often,

we are surrounded for most of our life

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by people who have similar boundaries

as us, especially if we were raised

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in the same town, siblings were

raised in the same household with us.

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Very often.

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We grow up expecting people to

behave similarly to us because.

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They're just in our same

community in our same family.

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But I promise you that as the date

is long, eventually someone will come

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slamming through your boundaries.

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And very often they will have

zero clue that they are doing it.

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And that is when there's

a boundary problem.

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That is when your eyes open up

to this phenomenon of boundaries

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and you go, oh, hold on a second.

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That is not okay with me.

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Now think for a second about what

it feels like to have someone

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slam through a boundary like that.

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It feels a little violating Think for a

second, if a random stranger were to come

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up to you and hug you out of nowhere.

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Oh, violating.

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Or if you've ever been pregnant, a random

stranger come up and rub your belly.

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Happens all the time.

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Super awkward.

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Or somebody just hops in

your car without permission.

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Feels a little violating.

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So these are boundary violations

and admittedly, they are extreme

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examples, but a neighbor who may

be overstays her welcome could

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also be a boundary violation.

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Or a friend who calls over and over

and over and over on the same day.

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And doesn't seem to understand that

you have other things to do so these

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smaller, simpler, maybe a little bit more

innocuous, examples can still elicit that

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that same sort of response of feeling

violated, but maybe in a lesser sense.

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So pay really close attention

to the emotions that come up for

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you when you're around certain

people and certain behaviors.

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And then you'll be able to

acknowledge when someone is violating

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a boundary that you have, but

maybe haven't acknowledged before.

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So that has been what has

happened to me historically.

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It didn't really understand boundaries.

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I didn't really have stated boundaries in

my mind and to tell people, cross them.

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And I went, oh, okay.

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That didn't feel great.

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Something's happening here?

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What is happening?

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And as I learned this work, I understood,

oh, that person crossed the boundary

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that I never communicated to them.

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I need to make sure they know this

is something that's important to me.

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And then to enforce it, which

we'll talk about in just a minute.

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Now, what does this emotional

response look and feel like

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when a boundary is crossed?

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Well, for me, like I said, it feels

a little bit violating depending

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on the severity of the boundary

crossing, my nervous system reacts.

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So I go into a little

bit of fight or flight.

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My heart spikes a little bit.

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Maybe I get a little bit sweaty.

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feels like I'm a little

bit under attack, maybe.

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But, like I said, those little lesser

boundary crossings, don't always

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elicit that kind of a response.

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Maybe more of an extreme boundary

crossing would make me feel really fight

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or flight, or if it's something that

was repeated over and over and over.

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Other emotions you can experience

when this comes up unexpectedly

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are things like anger.

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Or resentment towards the person

who's crossed the boundary.

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Maybe just annoyance and you

weren't quite sir closing down

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in that person's presence.

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So let's say you have a friend who

constantly gossips every time you get

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together and you hate it and you've

asked her not to, and she still keeps

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doing it, then you're going to probably

start closing off that relationship.

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Maybe not accepting phone

calls or lunch dates.

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You asked her to not gossip because

that made you uncomfortable.

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She kept doing it.

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You're probably gonna start

pulling away a little bit.

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So here is the crux of boundaries.

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It is so easy to blame another

person for violating your boundary,

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but it is not their fault,

especially not at the beginning.

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Why.

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Because likely you haven't yet told

them that is the boundary for you.

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You have likely not even told them

that that is a boundary violation

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and it makes you uncomfortable.

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You might feel anger, resentment,

annoyance, like we said, frustration

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with this other person, but if you

have not expressly stated that it's

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a boundary, it's not their fault.

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It's yours.

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Which is a little bit of tough love,

but I've had to learn this over and

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over and over that hurts to hear it.

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But expressing what a boundary

is and isn't your loved ones is

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a hard thing to do sometimes.

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I'm sorry to always call out us.

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Wonderful Christian women.

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But sometimes we struggle with

this because we don't like

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to hurt people's feelings.

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So many of us are people pleaser.

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We just want everyone to be happy.

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We don't want anyone to think.

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We don't like them, or we don't

like what they're doing or that

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we just want them to go away.

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We just want everyone to be happy

and smiling and sing kumbaya.

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Every time they come around.

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But the boundary is not for you.

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Okay.

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When we enforce a boundary, it's not

because it's going to make us feel better.

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Likely it's going to make us feel

worse for a short period of time.

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Although eventually, hopefully

it'll make you feel better.

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A boundary is for the relationship.

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How do we know?

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Because when we allow boundaries to be

crossed relationships, suffer every time.

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Every time, there's a boundary

that someone does not enforce

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and it gets regularly violated

that relationship suffers.

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I promise you, it happens every time.

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So if you are struggling to enforce

a boundary and tell someone.

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I love you so much, but I just can't

respond to your texts all day, or I'd

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prefer if you only called me on Fridays.

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Can we limit it to once a week, whatever

it might feel uncomfortable to do that,

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but the relationship will thrive because

then you will no longer show up with

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resentment and anger towards the person.

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Now let's, let's go back to

our dating days for just a

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minute to, to share an example.

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If you're a people pleaser, like

I am, you probably experienced

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this a lot when dating.

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You went out with a guy who was cute.

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Mildly interested in really nice.

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And then at the end of the day, you

realize I'm not really interested, but

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he is, and he wants to see you again.

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What do you do?

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Well, many of us.

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To our utter shame.

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Would you say yes to another date?

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Or even worse, we would just Dodge

phone calls over and over and over.

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Why do we do that?

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Why would we not just say, Hey,

I had so much fun, not really

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interested in another date.

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See around.

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Because that would make us uncomfortable

and make us feel like the bad guy.

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That's all we would have to say.

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And now that I'm sitting here as a

43 year old mom of a bunch of kids,

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it blows my mind that I didn't have

the courage to have a 15 second

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conversation with guys sometimes.

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To spare their feelings later on.

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seems so mean to me now, but in the time

I was just like, oh, I can't, I can't

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say that that would hurt his feelings.

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No, you know, it's going to hurt his

feelings is you constantly pushing them

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off, over and over and over thinking.

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He's not going to notice.

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He's going to notice.

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Now he avoids you forever

because you're a jerk.

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Because you couldn't just come out

right away and say, I don't want

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to continue a dating relationship.

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Now allowing someone to continue crossing

your boundaries is cruel and unnecessary

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to both you and the other person,

because you will not be able to control

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your emotions if they keep crossing it.

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Like I said it damages the

relationship every time.

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And one simple conversation

can change everything.

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It can ensure that people don't

waste time with you, like in the

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dating example, or it can help

you to cultivate a relationship.

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That is so much deeper because

you're not allowing that

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person to cross that boundary.

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Let's talk about the selfish aspect

now for a minute of requiring

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our boundaries to be honored.

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Ensuring that our own needs are

being met is the best way of

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having healthy whole relationships.

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Too many of us enter into relationships

and just thinking I'll just sit here and

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be a doormat so that everybody is happy.

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No.

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Sure fire way to anger and resentment.

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So, let me just repeat that

really quickly, ensuring our

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own needs aren't being met.

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Is the best way to make

sure we have healthy.

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A whole relationships.

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I know this because I'm a

mother to a bazillion children.

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If my needs are not being

met, I am a crappy mother.

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I have a terrible relationship with all

my kids because I am damaged in some way.

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I have to make sure that my

needs are being met first.

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I'm just yelling and freaking out

all the time because emotionally,

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spiritually, physically, I'm a mess.

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So we do not have to Harbor resentment

against other people because we get to

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communicate which behaviors are okay.

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And which are not.

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So instead of sitting here and

stewing about how Susie just

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keeps calling me over and over

and over and doesn't get the hint.

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You get to just say, Susie, I love you.

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But life is crazy.

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Can we hang out like once a

quarter, once every three months,

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I would love to take you to lunch

and we can just talk for hours.

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Isn't that so much better than you just

sending Susie to voicemail every single

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day until she finally thinks you hate her.

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Of course it is.

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Make sure your own needs are being met

first and then kindly and compassionately.

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I communicate that to the other person.

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Now we get to talk about my favorite

aspect of boundaries and that is the

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part that all the Christians bring up.

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Did Jesus have boundaries?

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And the answer is absolutely.

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He did.

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If we're going to look to Christ as the

ultimate example of behavior, we want to

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see where he enforced boundaries as well.

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So, this is a really fun activity.

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The next time you read the new Testament,

go and look for Jesus and his boundaries.

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There are quite a few examples.

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I'll share here with you.

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First one.

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He loved everyone.

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And he forgave the sinners.

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And then he told them

to go and sin no more.

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That was his boundary.

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I will forgive you.

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Now I'm commanding you

to not do this again.

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He calmly sat outside the

temple and braided a whip.

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And then he drove the money changers

out, not calmly, not peacefully.

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He drove them out of this temple

because the boundary was, you do not

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change money in my father's house.

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He taught and blessed and

loved the multitudes of people.

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And then he also regularly

removed himself from them to

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rest and to pray to his father.

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He took care of the things that needed

to be taken care of spiritually and

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physically, so he could show up.

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In his best form for the people.

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Isn't that amazing.

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I love showing Christian women that I

coach that boundaries are absolutely a

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Christian eternal phenomenon and something

that's so important for us to learn.

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Now, if you want to learn more

about boundaries, especially from

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a Christian perspective, I highly

recommend the book called boundaries.

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It's by two authors, their names

are Henry cloud, John Townsend.

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And the full title is boundaries.

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When to say yes, how to say no

and take control of your life.

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So go look that one up,

add it to your, to relist.

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It is a great one.

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And I'm so glad that they created

it from this Christian perspective,

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because I think Christ is just

an absolutely excellent example

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of boundaries as a human need.

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Just like food, water, and rest.

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We are not expected to be a doormat

that is not a Christian phenomenon.

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Okay.

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So remember boundaries are where we

end and where someone else begins.

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Please don't allow your

boundaries to be crossed.

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If they are, we have some work to do.

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We have to start enforcing them.

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We need to communicate our boundaries

very lovingly, and then we need

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to continue to communicate them.

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because it takes people time to learn.

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I'm sure all of us have been guilty

of doing this to someone else.

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And hopefully that person has taught

us lovingly and slowly and consistently

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how to honor their boundaries.

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If someone doesn't understand this and

continues to cross those boundaries.

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even if you communicated with

them, The most logical consequence

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to enforce is less access to you.

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if someone keeps walking into your

house without permission or showing

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up in a way that you've asked them

not to, then chances are good.

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You're just going to pull back.

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That's probably going to be the

best thing for the relationship.

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So you don't keep showing up

out of anger and resentment.

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Towards this person all the time.

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That is how we can do this with love and

kindness from this Christ-like place.

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And to better benefit the relationship.

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All right.

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So how do we enforce these boundaries?

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All right.

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Well, most of us want our

home to be a very safe place.

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So let's continue with this example

of someone just walking in your house.

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Let's take your brother loves

to do this and you have to tell

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them, Hey, but I love you so much.

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It's so fun when you

come over and hang out.

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But I just need you to know that anytime

you're coming, just shoot me a quick

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text and please knock before you come in.

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That makes me feel a little

bit more, more comfortable.

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He'll say.

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Yeah, totally.

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No big deal.

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I'll do it.

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Next time.

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He might not, he might forget to text.

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He might forget to call it's a habit.

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He maybe he just walks right in again.

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And then an a kind reminder is necessary.

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Hey, remember, I just really, really

need you to knock before you come in

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I really need to make sure I'm not

walking around in my underwear.

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Please knock.

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When you come over, I'd

really appreciate that.

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And then it gets to be up to you.

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How many times you allow that.

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boundary to be crossed before.

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Maybe you start limiting access to you.

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Maybe when your brother comes

over, you start locking the doors.

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Or maybe you just conveniently aren't

home on the times when he usually swings

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by, you need to communicate this boundary

first though, and give several reminders

423

before you start doing that, because

otherwise it's just passive aggressive.

424

Because then when your brother

wonders, why is she never home?

425

Or why are the doors locked?

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He'll realize, oh, she did ask

me to knock and I haven't done

427

that for the last four times.

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Maybe I should start knocking.

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That would be the respectful thing to do.

430

Hopefully the people that you love will

start honoring those boundaries because

431

they value the relationship as well.

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But you might have to do.

433

a little bit of education.

434

You might have to say, Hey, you know what?

435

When you just walk into my house.

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I actually makes me really

feel angry towards you.

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And I don't want to feel angry.

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I love you.

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And I actually love when you

come over, but I don't want to

440

be upset and that's not on you.

441

That's on me.

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So I'm asking you to please

knock so that I can be calm and

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rational when you come over.

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Now, let me be clear.

445

Here we are not.

446

Uh, delegating our

emotions to someone else.

447

With coaching week.

448

No, we can manage our mind, but if

at all possible, we want to change a

449

circumstance that is driving us crazy.

450

We don't purposely become doormats

and then just try to manage

451

our emotions when everybody.

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Crosses our boundaries all the time.

453

So that boundaries is circumstance work.

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It's where we go to our loved

ones and say, I would love for

455

you to honor this boundary.

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And if you don't, then I'm

not going to be available.

457

As much as before, because it's,

this is really hard for me.

458

So that makes sense.

459

So we're not delegating our

negative emotion to somebody else

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and telling them it's their fault.

461

It's still up to us and we can manage

those thoughts, but it's so much easier

462

to do if we acknowledge that our nervous

system doesn't love when people walk

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into our house without, knocking.

464

Hopefully that makes sense.

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You guys sometimes with a loved

one, this is very, very hard to do,

466

but I promise it's not impossible.

467

And by doing so and being really

vulnerable with the person and really

468

honest, it can make the relationship just

thrive if you are consistent with this.

469

So.

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That's it, this is how

boundaries are like broccoli.

471

They're So.

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good for you.

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And they can be.

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Painful to eat sometimes

painful to implement.

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So I hope you guys get your vegetables

in the form of enforcing boundaries.

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If this is a hard phenomenon for you, just

take a few minutes to do some journaling.

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Write down your thoughts about what

comes up for you when you need to

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enforce a boundary for someone and write

down some examples of boundaries that

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you have felt that have been crossed

and you've liked to have enforced,

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but maybe not had the guts to do so.

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And then make sure you are

protecting yourself from those who

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refuse to honor your boundaries.

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Even if you, after you've had

kind conversations with them.

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We want to have good relationships

with people, but some people, if

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they don't respect us, Don't deserve

a relationship with us, Okay.

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I want you guys to be honored and

respected in your relationships.

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I want you to have great thriving,

deep relationships with your loved

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ones and with your friends and

boundaries are the way to do it.

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I hope you guys had a

wonderful Thanksgiving This.

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week and enjoy your weekend.

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We'll talk to you next week.